Lately, I've stopped talking to my mother, and at 23, do I not even have freedom?

Good evening.

From what you've said, it seems like you've graduated from university and aren't currently working. You're studying at home and sometimes going out to play. Your mother will probably encourage you to come back to study.

Your mother always wants you to study more, but you feel like you've already studied enough. Young people want to go out and have fun, and it's normal to score 90 points. You're all grown up.

You have no freedom at all, don't know how to get along with your mother, and feel pretty down when you go home.

I'd like you to put yourself in your mother's shoes for a moment.

You haven't shared much about your situation. I don't know about your studies, work, family, etc.

I imagine your mother is more concerned about your future.

You've already graduated from university and are studying at home, presumably for a civil service exam or something similar. Your mother might be concerned that you're not studying hard enough and that you won't pass.

If you don't pass the exam, they'll be worried about your job prospects, marriage, and future stability.

She doesn't know how to express her concerns. In her view, the more you read and study, the greater the possibility of passing the exam and the better your future will be.

That's why she keeps pushing you to study.

I don't know if you're a boy or a girl, but if you're a girl, your mother will also worry about your marriage and your reputation. This is especially true in a small place where everyone knows each other. In that case, finding each other may be very concerned about each other's reputation.

Of course, this is just a guess, and I don't know the specifics of your situation.

As a general rule, your mother may be taking the wrong approach.

Let's talk about you. You're a 23-year-old university graduate who's embraced individualism, gender equality, self-expression, and the infinite possibilities of the future.

Given these differences, it's understandable that you and your mother have such different views. When you clash, it's like a collision between the Earth and the Moon.

The truth is, there's no right or wrong in what you and your mother want. It's just that you're looking at it from different angles.

I think you should have an honest chat with your mother. Listen to her concerns and tell her about your plans and your needs.

If your mother feels that you can manage your own life, she may worry less. But remember, parents will always worry about their children.

You have to accept that.

Also, when you're heading out to play, give your mother a quick call to let her know where you're going and when you'll be back. She just wants to make sure you're safe. If a quick phone call can put her mind at ease, then why not do it?

Have a quick chat with your mother. If you both compromise a little, she'll be less worried about you, and you'll feel more at ease.

I tend to be a bit of a pessimist, but I also try to be an optimistic counselor. I love the world and I love you.

Hello friend, I hope I can be of some help to you.

From what I can gather from your description of the problem, it seems that the questioner may be experiencing some emotional distress as a result of difficulties in her relationship with her mother.

[Problem analysis]

The questioner is already an adult in his 20s, but at home, his mother still treats him like a child and even hits him. This can cause feelings of disrespect.

In traditional Chinese culture, there is a great deal of emphasis placed on filial piety. As a result, many people find themselves facing the process of psychological separation from their parents as they grow up.

[Challenges of the independence process]

However, this separation is not always straightforward.

On the one hand, there are cultural and moral constraints to consider. For example, when our parents scold us and we want to express our anger, we may be told that we are ungrateful and that we have been raised for nothing, which can cause a great sense of guilt within us.

In order to avoid feeling guilty, they may choose to suppress their anger, which can be caused by unmet real needs. This can create a dilemma for them.

On the other hand, personal coping mechanisms may also play a role. As we often say, we tend to stay within our comfort zones. As mentioned above, obeying our parents can prevent us from feeling the moral punishment of independence.

On the other hand, living according to our parents' wishes can help us feel less anxious and fearful about facing an uncertain future. It can also help us avoid feeling responsible for growing up. When we fail, we may find it easier to blame our parents.

Without having to face the challenges that come with self-determination.

It is understandable that we all want to grow up and be independent, to live according to our own wishes. We all want to be free from the care and control of our parents.

On the other hand, we have an expectation that our parents will take better care of us. We hope that they will treat us in a way that is respectful and considerate, and that they will support our emotional well-being.

In short, there seems to be an assumption that all my problems are caused by my parents, and that they are wrong to hit and scold me, and that I have no choice.

I'm not sure what I can do.

Could this perhaps not be true?

I wonder if, when they beat us, we really had no choice.

"How others treat me is often influenced by the way I interact with them."

In the film "Human World," there is a poignant dialogue between the characters played by Lei Jiayin and his father. Through this conflict, the two engage in a lengthy conversation as equals for the first time.

My father finally said, "When you grow up, your mother and I will be happy to listen to you..."

Sometimes, the process of becoming independent may require a certain degree of assertiveness and emotional honesty.

It is possible that if you treat yourself like a child, your parents may feel the boundaries from when you were a child and naturally treat you like a child.

[Advice]

1. It might be helpful to try talking to your parents in a sincere manner, as an equal, and expressing your feelings and needs. You could also consider telling them your boundaries and how you would like them to treat you.

2. It might be helpful to think about what it means to be an independent person. While playing games and using your phone are fine, it's possible that if you act like a child, your parents may treat you like one.

3. It might be helpful to consider whether it would be beneficial to move out and live on your own, if necessary, in order to facilitate your growth and independence. If you find yourself relying on your family for financial support, it may be challenging to transition into adulthood while remaining close to your mother.

I hope my answer is helpful to you. I wish you the best of luck!

From your description, it seems that your mother may be a very controlling parent. Children who grow up in such a family environment often feel the need to suppress their thoughts and may be reluctant to communicate with their mother about things.

I was raised in a family where I was expected to adhere to certain standards and limitations. I did attempt to communicate and even explain my perspective, but the feedback I received did not always align with my expectations.

Sometimes I would be scolded or punished more severely, and sometimes my mother would feel sad and ignore me because of my defiance. Both forms made me feel very sad.

After numerous attempts at communication that unfortunately did not yield the desired results, I came to the conclusion that attempting to alter my mother's behavior was an extremely challenging task.

I believe that in this situation, it would be beneficial for you to consider adjusting your behavior and attitude to better cope with the circumstances.

1. Be open to the idea that some things are simply out of your control.

It would seem that there are certain limitations in place that prevent you from making phone calls at home or coming home late. It is perhaps worth considering why your friends and classmates are able to do these things, when you are not.

In comparison, you may feel a certain sense of injustice.

Perhaps you don't have to do any housework at all, while your friends have to wash the dishes after eating at home. When you want to eat fruit, your mom will cut it up for you, but your friends don't get that kind of benefit at home.

Every family has its own set of rules and limitations. Since your family's rules include not staying out late and not making phone calls, it would be helpful to let your family know when it's time to head home in the evening and say goodbye to your friends. If you're unable to make phone calls, you could consider using WeChat to communicate, which might help avoid any misunderstandings or frustration.

It might be helpful to consider adjusting to the deep-rooted restrictions, giving up resistance, and deriving the greatest happiness from the restrictions.

2. It would be helpful to try to understand where your mother is coming from and meet her needs.

It seems that your mother is encouraging you to study at home and find a job because she wants you to get a job offer. If you were to find and go out to work, it might help to ease your relationship with your mother for a while.

A mother who is controlling may make more and more demands of you. Once you get a job, she may well want you to find a suitable partner.

Once you find someone, they may eventually want to marry you and have children. It could potentially go on from there.

If you are able to meet your mother's immediate demands, you may also find that you can temporarily ease the feeling of being strongly bound and improve your relationship with her.

Nevertheless, it is my hope that your interactions with your mother are based on mutual respect and that you are not compromising your own needs and desires just to meet her expectations.

3. It would be beneficial to let your mother feel cared for and loved.

Perhaps it would be helpful to try to break the ice, despite the current situation. I hope you will consider taking this step.

You have been taken care of by your mother since you were little, and now that you are 23 years old, it might be helpful for you to be the one to comfort your mother, who is troubled and sad.

Mothers are the closest family members in our lives, and we are destined to depend on them for the rest of our lives. We are troubled because we love them, we don't want to hurt them, and we can't completely ignore their feelings.

Perhaps the best way to improve the relationship is to show love and affection.

It is important to find your own way to live in peace with your mother. This may mean accepting her limitations, trying to meet her expectations as best you can, and showing her love and care.

Good morning!

Perhaps you could offer her a hug and comfort her in her distress, worries, and anger.

It can be frustrating when a mother still has concerns about her child even though they have reached adulthood. It may be helpful for the mother to recognize and address any underlying issues she may have, as they could be affecting her perception of the situation. If not handled well, this could potentially impact the mother-daughter relationship. How can we approach this in a constructive manner?

1. It might be helpful to work through your emotions.

I hope that you will be able to avoid letting these negative emotions affect your life. Learning to deal with negative emotions is an important aspect of growing up.

It would be beneficial for her to work through any negative emotions before communicating with her mother. This will allow her to devote herself better to her studies and make her life more enjoyable.

It may be helpful to consider that the key to dealing with negative emotions is to remain aware of your own emotions. When you find that you have some emotions inside you, such as anxiety, anger, or irritability, you might like to try consciously accepting or resolving these emotions. For example, you could look at these emotions and let them pass slowly, without dwelling on them for a long time. Or you might like to try using distraction methods such as listening to music, exercising, chatting with friends, etc., to slowly resolve these emotions.

2. It would be beneficial to try to be more understanding, tolerant, and patient with your mother.

While it is not ideal for a mother to exert control over her adult child, and it is even more concerning when that control takes the form of physical violence, there may be underlying issues that she is struggling to address. For instance, she may still be grappling with the transition from parenting to a more independent relationship with her child. This is particularly prevalent in the case of girls, whose mothers often express a persistent concern for their wellbeing. It's important to recognize that your mother's actions may stem from a place of love and concern, even if they seem excessive.

Mothers may not always know the best way to spend time with their daughters at different stages, but their initial intention is usually out of concern for their daughters' well-being. If you can understand this from this perspective, you may find it helpful to be more tolerant and patient with your mother, communicate well with her, and slowly she may be able to understand you better.

3. Strive to enhance your capabilities in all areas and demonstrate to your mother through tangible actions that you are capable of taking care of yourself.

While you are already 23 years old, it is understandable that you may not yet have the ability to do so. You are still in the process of learning and finding a job, and you may still require your mother's assistance and support, both financially and in your daily life. From this perspective, it is reasonable to accept some of your mother's restrictions.

If you were to gain financial independence, you might find it easier to live separately from your mother and escape the current situation.

If you are able to demonstrate your ability to be independent in all aspects, it may help to reduce the constraints you currently face. From your psychological resistance to your mother, it seems that you have the personality and desire to be independent, so you may wish to consider focusing on improving your financial ability, for example, doing your best to find a job and have your own income, so as to reduce your financial and living dependence on your mother.

It's possible that when your mother sees that you have found a job, have financial independence, and the ability to live independently, she will be more understanding.

If you would like to gain independence and freedom sooner, you might like to consider complaining less and working harder.

I hope that Hongyu's reply will be of some help to you. Thank you for asking!

Dear questioner, Thank you for your question.

After reading your question, I understand why you're frustrated with your mother.

1. About the questioner having graduated.

You haven't spoken to your mom recently. You've graduated. Sometimes you go out and play until 9 or 10 pm. That's not late for kids nowadays.

The questioner is 23 but still has a mother who controls her like a child.

You may have noticed that children your age have more freedom. They can choose when to go home.

Your mom will rush you home.

2. About your mother's overbearing control.

Why is your mother so overbearing with you?

Maybe your mom has always been controlling. It's likely that this is a habit for her.

Maybe you're an adult, but you're still the baby in your mother's heart. So, she feels the need to take care of you.

You haven't shown your mother that you're an adult who can take care of herself.

We need to see that we have choices in how we interact with our mothers. How do we make choices?

What should you do?

She needs to deal with her own emotions and realize she isn't responsible for her mother's.

Second, we can be free in our hearts, but not in real life.

We live in relationships. The big one is with society, and the small one is with our family.

We need to maintain public order and good customs in relationships.

Furthermore, you think your mother controls you too much, but you have not realized that controlling and being controlled is a two-person dance. Once one of the parties stops, the dance ends.

You can stop playing this game of control with your mother. If you are independent, your mother's interference won't feel as controlling.

If you want to become independent, it may be difficult at first. You can try to establish a boundary by moving out and taking care of your own life.

If you show your mother you're an adult, she may let you go more.

I hope the above answers are helpful. You can always refuse to be treated roughly, including by your parents.

We are born to be treated gently.

Hello, I'm Emily, a psychology OH card consultant.

You have the same experience as I did in the past, and I feel the same way. I am 27 years old, and my mother is still just as worried about me as your mother is.

My mother is my physical caregiver, but I am her emotional caregiver. She is unaware of this, so she transmits her anxious emotions to me.

She controls me. If I don't listen, she belittles me with negative comments like "unfilial" and "white-eyed wolf." I can't assert myself because we're adults with freedom to make our own choices.

I define this type of mother as the control-anxious type. They inherently lack a sense of security and project this insecurity onto you. The mother has not yet learned to detach from you.

I will give you two ways to do this from two perspectives: one is physical separation, and the other is psychological separation.

1. Physical separation means being apart in terms of distance. You need to create a certain distance so that your mother perceives that you no longer belong entirely to her. She needs to learn to feel this loss, otherwise the love between you will always be very sticky. Move out and rent your own place if your financial situation allows. This is how I have gained a certain degree of freedom.

2. Psychological separation. I am certain that psychological separation for this type of controlling mother is based on physical separation.

I believe there are two reasons for this psychological distress.

You care about her emotions because she is your mother who gave birth to you and raised you. You cannot ignore her, so you take the initiative to bear her sadness.

You must accept the fact that you can disregard your mother's emotions. You are the one living your life, and your mother gave you life of her own free will. You must mentally separate your emotions/thoughts from your mother's.

You care about and pay attention to your mother's love, attention, and support because every child needs this kind of strength. If you fail to satisfy her, you will lose that strength.

You need to find strength in your friends. While your mother's love is powerful, you are not alone. Once you lose her energy, build a reliable support system.

Finally, I have two tips to share with you, which I am also currently practicing.

1. Accept others – accept your mother as she is. Read Hellinger's "Who's in my family?"

2. Put others before yourself. Your mother's perception is limited, and it is difficult to change her. However, you can change yourself and communicate with her in a way she understands.

I wish you the best.

Hello, question asker. It's nice to meet you. Let's dive into this topic together.

She's already graduated, but her mother treats her like a child. She feels different from other people.

The atmosphere at home is tense, and she's afraid to answer the phone.

Your mother hit you, and you haven't spoken to her recently.

Hugging you, I see how frustrated you are at not being understood. I also see how your mother is overly anxious and harsh in her treatment of you.

First, it seems like your mom is really hoping you'll get a stable job and study at home or find a job. You've graduated, but it seems like she's more anxious than you are.

It seems like she's been influenced by outside information, and more importantly, she's really worried about you. But she has two main issues.

Firstly, she didn't listen to what you needed and didn't give you enough freedom.

Secondly, hitting people is wrong, and you didn't manage your emotions well.

Second, I can see that the questioner is feeling pretty tense and helpless since graduating. I don't know if she's had a long, serious chat with her mother in a calm and peaceful manner. To resolve conflicts, you need to communicate and put yourself in each other's shoes.

If we don't communicate, we'll never resolve the issue.

It's also important to avoid saying anything that could hurt your family. If you're too embarrassed to say it to their face, you can use WeChat to communicate. There are emoticons, and you can express yourself more clearly through text.

During graduation season, our family members are feeling just as anxious as we are. It's important to face problems together with our family, rather than opposing them, as this can create even bigger problems.

I hope this helps.

Greetings, My name is Peilü.

First, I would like to offer you a hug.

Communication difficulties with one's mother

Individual Needs

Data interpretation

The subject indicated that the relationship with their mother has recently been characterized by a lack of harmony. The source of this discord is the mother's persistent demands for the subject to engage in academic pursuits at home and to secure employment. Even when the subject is engaged in social activities with friends, the mother's insistence on their return home limits their ability to enjoy these interactions. The subject, however, perceives that they have attained the status of an adult and asserts their right to autonomy in their personal affairs. Nevertheless, the mother's continued interference in their life choices has led to feelings of depression and irritability.

I empathize with the pressure and anxiety you are experiencing.

After the subject attempted to assert their independence by refusing to return home at night, the mother responded with verbal abuse and physical violence. This led to a period of estrangement between the two. It is evident that the subject is experiencing a range of negative emotions, including sadness and a sense of powerlessness, in response to the current situation.

A reason analysis is required.

Inconsistent Positions

There are numerous reasons for conflicts between family members, many of which are due to differing positions. The conflicting parties are unable to comprehend each other's perspectives, adhering rigidly to their own opinions and refusing to concede.

Your mother is described as somewhat controlling, consistently requiring that you study, secure employment, forego social engagements, and limit your autonomy. However, from her perspective, you have already completed your university education and should be focusing on future planning and appreciating the time and youth you currently have. You believe it is not too late to return home at 9 p.m., yet your mother may be concerned about your safety.

The following section will present a number of strategies for problem-solving.

When confronted with pressure from your mother, you resorted to a confrontational strategy (staying out all night), which may have intensified the conflict between you. Previously, your mother had only nagged you to come home early; however, on this occasion, your action was a direct declaration of war against her.

Had you taken a detour to express your attitude or simply listened and gone home, what would have been the outcome?

Communication Style

Communication is an art of speaking. When both parties are able to remain calm and reasonable, they are better able to deepen their understanding of each other, enhance their relationship, and resolve problems and conflicts in a more constructive manner.

You indicated that your mother struck you. It is probable that you were not sufficiently rational or calm when you spoke.

Personal advice

It is advisable to adopt the perspective of the other party in order to gain a more comprehensive understanding of the situation.

While one's own needs are undoubtedly important, it is also essential to consider the conflicting issues that arise in such situations. When there are opposing views, it is crucial to empathize with the other person's feelings and perspectives. This can be achieved by placing oneself in the other person's shoes and attempting to view the situation from their point of view. This approach allows for a more comprehensive understanding of the problem, leading to more effective problem-solving.

The optimal method of communication

In the presence of conflict, it is common for individuals to seek the release of their emotions and the defense of their position. It is, however, crucial to recognize that such a response may exacerbate the situation. In such instances, it is advisable to maintain composure, engage in respectful communication, and strive to achieve a resolution that balances the interests of all parties involved.

To resolve the current impasse, it is necessary for one party to take a minor step and adopt a more proactive stance.

The concept of independence is multifaceted and encompasses various dimensions of individual autonomy.

I comprehend your aspiration for autonomy. However, autonomy encompasses more than merely a spiritual quest; it also entails financial independence.

If one desires autonomy and the freedom to pursue one's own goals without external influence, then attaining financial independence is a logical and expedient strategy.

The question remains, however, as to whether this is the optimal solution.

I extend my affection to the world and to you.

Hello, I'm Gu Yi. I'm modest and unassuming.

The 23-year-old wants freedom, while the mother wants stability. This causes pain for everyone.

Choose the right way to communicate.

A 23-year-old is curious and eager to try new things. You may feel you can make your own decisions, and you can. But life isn't simple, and we all face challenges.

You feel like you've grown up, but your mom doesn't see it that way. This makes you unhappy. So, you should tell your mom you can face life and socialize maturely.

This approach is not arguing or being cold. It requires communication and the support of our hearts and minds. Every time a kite flies up into the sky, the string it wants to hold onto breaks, so that it can fly far away. But look at those kites that end up hanging from books and no one wants them.

Try to understand each other.

Maybe your mother is going through menopause and is a bit anxious. This is normal. Choose a good time to communicate.

Be patient with your mother. We all learn as we go. Help her become a better mother, and help yourself become a better you.

Asking for help shows you want to solve the problem. You're a good child who doesn't like the situation and wants to communicate more with your mother.

Best wishes!

Hello, question asker. I can see the confusion you are facing, and I'm here to help.

You are experiencing some family problems. I'm here to support you.

You don't talk to your mother because she hit you, right?

You're 23 years old. Your mother still treats you like a child. Ignore her.

You have to live with your mother, so you have no choice but to listen to her.

You're 23, right?

You have a job, right?

If the answer is yes, then you should strive for your financial independence as soon as possible.

When you become financially independent, you will move out and no longer be controlled by your mother.

You can go out and come home whenever you like.

Take some part-time work home and let your mother do it. Let her earn some pocket money.

Your mother will stop paying you all her attention when she has something else to do.

I am confident that the problem you are facing will be resolved soon.

That's all I can think of.

I am the answer, and I study hard every day. I hope my above answer is helpful and inspiring to you.

I love you, and I wish you all the best.