Living with my mother-in-law, there are constant family arguments. Am I really useless?

You haven't done anything wrong. You've done what you can. Don't doubt yourself!

Tell yourself you've done a good job. You have your own work and can help with the housework when you get home. We're not perfect and don't need to demand so much of ourselves.

1. Think about your relationship with your husband. Why is it so easily upset? Is it because of poor communication, or do you overreact to his accusations? Arguments don't start because of the matter itself, but maybe because you feel that he doesn't trust you.

2. Talk to your husband about housework. Don't doubt yourself because of your conflicts-between-mother-in-law-and-daughter-in-law-and-the-interference-of-my-sister-in-law-24560.html" target="_blank">mother-in-law's comments. Tell your husband you've done your best and feel aggrieved.

Talk to your husband calmly and honestly.

3. Figure out why your mother-in-law is unhappy with you. Does she take care of the baby, and is it hard for her to do so with a lot of emotions, or is it just because she doesn't want you to be idle? Some mothers-in-law think that taking care of the grandchild is for the daughter-in-law, and they're unhappy because they think it saves you trouble.

You have a job and help out when you get home, but she is still dissatisfied with you. Is it because she looks down on your work and blames you for everything? Or is it because the two families have unequal financial situations?

4. When your mother-in-law accuses you, do you have the confidence to say, "I help out as much as I can. Tell me what's wrong. Don't tell your son."

If you can't say this, it's because you lack confidence.

When confronted with conflicts and stress within the family unit, it is crucial to recognize that one is not alone in this experience. Many individuals have encountered or continue to navigate similar challenges in their family relationships. The dynamics between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law often present a particularly intricate and nuanced aspect of family interactions. It is not uncommon for individuals in these situations to experience distress and discomfort. To assist in managing stress and fostering improved family relationships, the following recommendations are offered:

1. Self-Affirmation: Initially, it is essential to acknowledge the intrinsic value and significance of one's contributions, whether in professional or domestic settings.

One must not allow negative comments from others to lead to feelings of doubt about one's own self-worth.

2. Communication: It is recommended that couples attempt to communicate openly and honestly with one another and with their in-laws. In addition to expressing their feelings and needs, they should also listen to the thoughts of their partners and in-laws.

Effective communication is a crucial element in the resolution of family conflicts.

3. **Set boundaries**: It is essential to establish clear boundaries with family members and define responsibilities and expectations. This will facilitate the reduction of misunderstandings and conflicts.

4. Seek Support: It is beneficial to share one's feelings with friends and family and to seek their support and advice. An outside perspective can often provide clarity regarding a problem.

5. Professional Help: In the event that the situation is of a serious nature, it may be advisable to seek the assistance of a qualified professional, such as a psychologist or family therapist. These professionals are equipped with the knowledge and expertise to provide effective strategies and techniques to enhance family relationships.

6. Personal Growth: It is recommended that individuals utilize their free time for personal growth activities, such as learning new skills or developing hobbies. This can not only enhance self-confidence but also provide a sense of accomplishment outside the home.

7. Transform your perspective: Attempt to perceive circumstances from an alternative standpoint and maintain a constructive and optimistic outlook. At times, a shift in perspective can result in unanticipated positive outcomes.

8. Time Management: It is essential to organize one's time effectively in order to ensure sufficient time for self-relaxation and recharging. This practice has been demonstrated to effectively relieve stress and maintain a positive mental state.

9. Self-Reflection: When an opportunity for reflection arises, consider your role and behavior within the family unit and identify potential areas for improvement.

10. Seek Common Ground: Identifying shared interests and values among family members can facilitate the resolution of conflicts, enhance mutual understanding, and foster a sense of cohesion and harmony within the family unit.

It is important to remember that everyone has their own unique set of strengths and weaknesses, and that nobody is perfect. One's personal feelings and values should not be defined by the opinions of others.

By responding in a constructive manner and implementing improvements, one can identify solutions to problems and enhance the quality of life.

I appreciate the opportunity to respond to your message. From your description, I can discern a range of challenging emotions, including anger, grievance, depression, and helplessness.

It is futile to attempt to satisfy your mother-in-law, regardless of your efforts. She even wants her son to instill her own ideas.

Your husband is just as dissatisfied with you as your mother-in-law, which results in daily conflicts. You begin to doubt your abilities, questioning your worth. You experience negative emotions such as anger, resentment, depression, and helplessness, and are unsure of how to proceed.

I empathize with your situation. It is challenging to maintain a comfortable lifestyle in such an environment.

The following are some of my personal views, which I hope will be of assistance to you.

➡️ Cultivate self-love and self-discovery.

Do not engage in self-justification. The more dissatisfied the mother-in-law and husband are, the more they will attempt to prove themselves.

In order to gain the approval and affection of your mother-in-law and husband, you are constantly overperforming and proving your value.

Do not doubt your abilities. Focus on doing your job to the best of your abilities. Do not concern yourself with the opinions of your superiors.

You must make a decision.

It is evident that your mother-in-law's presence causes you significant distress. However, she also provides you with substantial assistance.

Furthermore, it is important to recognize that your mother-in-law's behavior is unlikely to change. It is not reasonable to expect her to alter her approach or make concessions.

To resolve this issue, it is essential to assess whether you and your husband can independently manage your family without the assistance of your mother-in-law.

If that is not feasible, then the only remaining option is to continue with the current situation. If that is possible, then we can explore other alternatives.

➡️ It would be beneficial for you to consider allowing your husband to become your comrade-in-arms.

It is evident that your mother-in-law is lacking in understanding of appropriate boundaries. It appears that she is attempting to exert control over you and compete for family status by suppressing and denying you.

You and your husband are the designated leaders of this household. However, the current situation has resulted in your mother-in-law and your husband assuming control, which has negatively impacted your relationship.

Furthermore, it is evident that the husband and mother-in-law continue to maintain a symbiotic relationship, with the husband aligning fully with his mother's perspective. In addition to being unable to provide support and assistance, the husband is complicit in the oppression of his wife.

Given that your child is still young, your mother-in-law's approach will have a detrimental impact on their emotional development.

As the primary decision-maker in this household, it is your responsibility to advocate for your rights.

Your husband should be your ally, but he has now aligned himself with your mother-in-law and is working with her to impede your professional advancement. This is a highly disadvantageous situation.

It would be advisable to try to get along with your husband, then communicate with him. You, your husband and your child, the three of you, can go out alone. If your mother-in-law needs care, you can move not far from her, so that it is convenient to take care of her.

It is futile to dwell on the negative. You must make a decision. Frequently, it is challenging for others to assist, and ultimately, you must assess and decide for yourself. Best of luck!

Hello, my name is Coach Yu, and I would love to chat with you about this topic.

Let's start with relationships with other people. Alfred Adler, who created individual psychology, once said that all of our problems come from our relationships with other people. We're always afraid of being disliked and of being hurt in our relationships, so we can end up feeling inferior.

It's so important to remember that the feeling of being inferior is often not an objective fact, but a subjective interpretation. We might doubt ourselves and think we're good for nothing, but this is often because we have already set up scenarios in our minds, such as "My mother-in-law says I'm no good" and "My husband doesn't like me."

So, when we're having trouble in our relationships, it can be a great opportunity to go deeper into our hearts and discover our true selves.

As the questioner said, living with my mother-in-law, there are constant family quarrels. I'm sure we can all relate to that! Am I really good at nothing?

Let's ask ourselves: What did we think when our mother-in-law told us we were no good at this or that? What emotions and feelings did it bring up in us?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. When your husband tells you that you're not good at something, what comes to mind? What emotions and feelings does this bring up for you?

I'd love to know what your inner voice is trying to tell you. What is it that you doubt and question? And what is it that you feel you need to suppress?

We can also try to recall our childhood. When you put forward an idea or a demand, did your parents respond positively and encouragingly? Or were they serious and rejecting?

When kids get a lot of negative feedback, it can really knock their confidence and make them feel uneasy and anxious. This can have a big impact on how they interact with others when they're older.

We can make peace with our emotions. When we sense feelings of inferiority, we can try asking ourselves, "What does this remind me of? It's not true!"

When we start to accept our emotions and let them flow, we'll find it much easier to stay in control of our actions. It can also be really helpful to try to record what our feelings are at the moment.

It's totally up to you how you want to write. You can write about anything you want, and you can write it in any way you want. This is just for you, so please feel free to write about your feelings in whatever way you feel comfortable. This will help us understand the origins and effects of our emotions and also help us clarify the root of the problem.

Next, let's chat about boundaries. It's so important to know what boundaries are and to know your own boundaries. Your boundaries are what make you, you! Many of the emotional and interpersonal problems that we see in society today are related to the difficulty of maintaining appropriate boundaries.

When our boundaries are crossed, our bodies send out some signals, like a faster heartbeat, a feeling of heat all over, restlessness, and sweating.

Sometimes we worry about offending others, sometimes we're afraid of damaging relationships, and sometimes we avoid potential risks (such as bullying and retaliation), while ignoring signals that our boundaries are being violated. It's totally understandable! We're all afraid to establish and maintain our own boundaries and dare not protect ourselves. As the questioner wrote, living with the mother-in-law, there are constant family quarrels.

Let's be honest with ourselves. Are there certain things your mother-in-law says or does that make you feel uncomfortable?

Do you feel any physical reaction of being offended? It's okay if you do!

We can also ask ourselves, have we ever thought about responding to some of the things our mother-in-law says or does? If we do respond, what would we say?

And what should we do?

We can also ask ourselves some other questions. What would be the ideal relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law? And what would be the ideal intimate relationship?

I'd love to know what I can do about it!

It's okay to feel like you can't rely on others to protect you. Based on the principle of subject-object separation, we can't control what others say or do, and we can't expect others to know how to behave. But you can take the initiative to establish your own boundaries and clearly express to others when you're uncomfortable. If you need to, you can also take some warning words and methods.

It might be a good idea to have a chat with our husbands and use our feminine tenderness and love to guide them with some open-ended questions. What kind of feelings does he have about the relationship between his wife and his mother-in-law? What kind of feelings does he have about the remarks his mother-in-law and he have instilled?

It's also important to speak up when we're uncomfortable, whether it's about our mother-in-law's comments or our husband's views. It's natural to want our husband to navigate his relationship with his wife and mother-in-law in a way that works for everyone. After all, any relationship needs both parties to be invested in maintaining it.

Good communication is a wonderful thing! It can help us to let go of some of our emotional pressure, and it can also help us to understand our husbands and mothers-in-law better, and to improve our relationships with each other.

We can also seek help because this thing is bothering you, and it's totally understandable! It's not easy to overcome things immediately, so try to find a family member or friend you trust and who has always given you positive support to talk to. If you feel it's necessary, you can also find a counselor, because emotions must have an outlet to relieve the heaviness and blockage in our hearts.

Of course, we should also try to enrich our inner selves and discover our unique value. When your core is strong, your thinking patterns will change accordingly, and you can confidently show yourself and get along well with your family.

Good day.

From your question, it seems that you have ongoing disagreements with your mother-in-law. It's possible that your husband also listens to his mother-in-law, which could result in some differing opinions about you. This might lead to conflicts and feelings of anger, sadness, or even depression. I can appreciate your current emotional state.

It might be helpful to consider that living with your mother-in-law requires a sense of boundaries. This does not have to be an impenetrable wall, and of course you can get along like friends. If your mother-in-law is not satisfied with you, it could be an indication that she is not respecting you. And your husband's position on the matter might also be a factor. If he is taking his mother-in-law's side, it could suggest that he is not fully aware of your feelings. The husband plays an important role in the middle of the relationship. If he sides with either side, it could potentially lead to conflict or a breakdown in the relationship, and the couple's feelings will be more easily affected, especially by outsiders. In this world, apart from yourself, everyone else is an outsider, it's just a matter of how close you are.

It's also worth noting that her husband sees both sides as relatives, which may influence his decision to prioritize his parents' advice. After all, his parents played a significant role in his upbringing, and it's essential to recognize that when spending time with her husband, we need to gently guide him to focus on his own family, rather than paying undue attention to some of his mother-in-law's comments and her family of origin. It's understandable that conflicts may arise between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, given the unique dynamics of living together. The key is to navigate these challenges with understanding and compassion. It's not entirely our fault, so we shouldn't blame ourselves for everything.

You might consider finding a counselor. A counselor can help you identify the problems and conflicts. You can encourage your husband to seek help from a counselor together. At the same time, you can gently guide your husband to focus on your family. You can tell him that his wife and children are the center of his life. This does not mean ignoring his parents. It just means that now that we have a family, we have our own lives and family, so we need to consider all these things for our own family.

It might be helpful to try to be aware of your emotions and see what the causes and underlying needs are. It could also be beneficial to record and feel yourself, then understand and accept yourself. It may be useful to understand that the reasons for our current state are involuntary attempts to understand and care for ourselves. Believing that we are not wrong, but simply have some problems getting along with each other could also be helpful.

I hope this finds you well. Please accept my best wishes for a positive outcome.

Hello! I really hope my answer can help you in some way.

I totally get where you're coming from. I had a mother-in-law like that too! I used to agree with her that she was unhappy with me and try to do what she wanted, but it made me really unhappy. You're right, no matter what I did, she was never satisfied. I started to doubt myself and think I was no good at anything. But of course, that's not true! She just has her own standards and we don't always meet them. But we shouldn't let that define us. I've come a long way from feeling depressed to being happy when I get along with her now. I've also grown a lot on the inside. I'd love to share some of my experiences with you:

It's important to remember that your mother-in-law's dissatisfaction isn't a reflection of you or your abilities. It's likely driven by her own psychological needs and reasons behind her actions. Once you understand these, you'll be able to see why she's always "unsatisfied."

From what you've told me, it's clear you've done your best to do your part and you've done a great job! It's also important for you to recognize your own value and see yourself objectively, rather than agreeing with her assessment of you. It's also helpful to understand that her dissatisfaction with herself is driven by her own psychological motivation. Perhaps her subconscious mind wants to prove to herself that she is good enough and valuable by being dissatisfied with you. Then, after she admits that you are good and is satisfied with you, she may feel that she is worthless.

My mother-in-law is the sweetest lady. She always comes to stay from her hometown, and I try my best to please her. Sometimes I even feel a bit worn out, but it's worth it to make her happy. She does have a habit of complaining, but I know it's just her way. As I've studied psychology, I've learned that she's just looking for love and attention. She needs to feel valuable and seen, which is something she didn't get as a child because she was the middle child in her family. She's really trying to find her place in the world, and I'm happy to help her find it. Now that she's not working, she spends her days cleaning and cooking at home. She's looking for a way to make a living and feel useful. When I see her and give her affirmation, she feels loved and valued. She's starting to recognize my efforts, and her attitude towards me is changing. I'm happy to see her becoming more accepting of me.

It's also worth noting that she's not just dissatisfied with you, but with many other people who don't meet her standards. This is just who she is! She's used to affirming herself and demonstrating her value by negating others. But when her value doesn't need to be presented in this way, she'll also soften.

2. Come back to yourself. It's okay to admit that you're seeking her approval, but it's also important to recognize that she can't fully satisfy you. What you need to do is to love and accept yourself. You don't need to seek her approval to define yourself. When you're happy with who you are, her opinions won't matter as much, and you'll be less affected by her actions.

I don't know if you've noticed, but I think you're so miserable because you're constantly seeking her approval, but she's never satisfied with you. This makes you feel frustrated and hurt. But if we continue to maintain this direction, basing our self-worth on whether she's satisfied with us, then we'll always be stuck in this vicious cycle. As I said earlier, it's difficult to change her patterns. She may never be satisfied with you. To break this cycle, we need to return to ourselves and see that the root of our suffering lies not in how she is, but in whether we are internally satisfied with ourselves. Over the years, I've been practicing self-care and self-acceptance, and I've found that as my inner strength has increased, as my level of self-acceptance has improved, and as I've become more accepting of myself, I've become less and less concerned about whether she's satisfied.

This is because, in the past, I didn't give myself enough credit. I put these inner feelings of lack and need on her, hoping that she would be satisfied with herself and approve of herself. But it was obvious that she couldn't give me this psychological nourishment. Instead, she would bring me new troubles. Later, when I gained the approval of others in many other supportive relationships, and also gained enough approval of myself, I no longer felt so lacking inside, and there were not so many missing parts. I also didn't care so much about her approval, and her approval was not enough to completely define who I was.

There's a law in psychology that says when something's missing inside you, you'll look for it outside yourself. You might feel a longing for your mother-in-law and husband's approval and recognition. This is because you don't fully approve of yourself. What you need to do is stop trying to satisfy them and start learning to love yourself. Learn to understand yourself, see your own value, and affirm your own efforts. When you love yourself enough, their dissatisfaction won't make you doubt yourself so easily. You'll feel more peaceful because you won't live in their evaluation or have to live up to their expectations.

3. If you feel uncomfortable in a relationship, you can express it in a sincere and consistent way, rather than repressing it. Otherwise, as the repression builds up, the relationship will deteriorate. In addition, we need to put the husband-wife relationship first. From the perspective of family ranking, the husband-wife relationship will always come first. A good husband-wife relationship will also drive the relationship with the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in a positive direction. You can grow yourself in this area and learn some courses and related books on intimacy management.

I totally get it. I used to feel the same way. I was so uncomfortable in my relationships, but I was afraid to say anything. I didn't know how to handle my mother-in-law and my husband's dissatisfaction. But the anger and grievances were still there. Sometimes, I would even release my anger in my dreams. But the good news is that we can learn to express ourselves sincerely and consistently in relationships. We don't have to argue, but we can just express our emotions and feelings without being emotional. That way, we can achieve real communication.

For example, if I encounter some problems and disagree with my mother-in-law, I will express my true thoughts and feelings, as well as my needs and specific requests to her. I will also listen to what she thinks and how she feels. In fact, behind her dissatisfaction, there is often worry and concern. She worries that we cannot live our lives well, and she is also very concerned about the quality of our lives. So, she expresses herself in her own way. When there is good communication, the relationship will ease, and we can see each other. We can all grow in the relationship.

In addition, when it comes to family ranking, psychology has always said that the husband-wife relationship should come first, followed by the parent-child relationship (the relationship between your mother-in-law and your husband) and the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. It's so important to get this in the right order! If you can, try to value your relationship with your husband, manage your nuclear family well, and learn some courses on intimacy management and read some related books. There are actually solutions to all your problems!

I really think you'd benefit from reading "Nonviolent Communication" and "Intimate Relationship Management," as well as my article "How to Adjust to the Relationship Between Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law?"

I just wanted to send this your way in case it's helpful! Sending you lots of love and best wishes!