Many difficulties arise in dealing with friends, and are cold shoulders the result of discontent?

The questioner may have realized that they have a similar behavioral pattern as their mother, which is a great start!

"If you don't live up to expectations, you'll feel sad and you'll ignore people." This is a great opportunity to learn and grow! The person being nice to and ignored actually has their own needs, but they don't express them directly. This means there's room for improvement! On the one hand, they can't satisfy their own needs, and on the other, they base their own needs on expectations of others. We've heard the saying, "Learn to love yourself before you can love others." This is a wonderful chance to start!

Otherwise, the more you treat others well, the higher your expectations of others will be, and the more disappointed and hurt you will be, because you have not learned how to satisfy yourself and care for yourself. But don't worry! There's a solution.

On the other hand, we have the amazing opportunity to learn how to satisfy ourselves! We can choose to prioritize our own time and interests, confident that others will reciprocate in the same way or even more. By focusing on our own needs, we can create a fulfilling life for ourselves.

"When things don't go the way I want with friends, I hold it in and become cold and violent." This is also a kind of behavior pattern. But there's a way to get along with others! You just have to express and communicate what you want from others, and do it consistently to achieve results.

When we did not develop language in infancy, the caregivers around us would fully observe the needs of the baby. The reason we survived was because of the caregivers, the careful observation and care of important others. If we still do not use language to express our needs and communicate our needs as adults, it may be a regression to infancy. But we can do it! We must be fully aware and aware of this, and tell ourselves that we are not that child who cannot speak or communicate.

I really hope the above has been helpful!

Hello, host! I'm July.

After reading your description, I have a better understanding of what you're asking, so I'll give you a hug in the four-dimensional space.

From what you've said, I can see that you're facing a bit of a challenge at the moment. If you focus on the problem, you'll be able to find a solution more easily.

The issue you brought up is something many people have faced in real life, with varying degrees of intensity. It's okay to take your time, relax, and give yourself space to process the challenges you're facing right now. This approach might be beneficial for you at this moment.

As you mentioned in your description, when your friends don't live up to your expectations or when things don't go as you want with your friends, you'll sometimes resort to cold violence to get along with them.

I believe this is perfectly normal. Not everyone can solve problems through communication. Why do I say this?

It's tough for people in this situation to communicate, so they tend to shut down, which is basically cold violence.

This kind of cold violence is actually unconscious. It's tough for the person involved to get out of the situation, so they end up resorting to their usual defense mechanisms to deal with the problems they're facing in the moment.

But this kind of cold violence can also be felt by someone who has been with you for a long time. So, after the event, you can also communicate well with friends about this issue, rather than letting these small incidents affect your relationship.

In this regard, I've also put together a few suggestions to help you ease the current situation. I hope they'll be useful to you in some way.

(1) Take your time and relax. Now that you know what's going on, find a way to help yourself solve the problems you're facing.

(2) Try to communicate more to solve problems. While cold treatment can be useful in the short term, it can cause problems between you and your friends in the long run.

(3) Try to lower your expectations of your friends or of yourself. Having too many expectations can make you overthink things in a relationship. It's better to focus on doing your best and let the rest fall into place.

(4) It's a good idea to let your thoughts and feelings out in different ways, rather than keeping them all bottled up inside.

(5) Sharing your thoughts on certain things or people in a constructive way can be beneficial. It can help release pent-up emotions to a certain extent.

The world and I love you!

Take care!

Good day, my name is Hongyue from Beijing.

I can appreciate your situation.

I recall that this mindset was particularly evident during my junior high and high school years. Despite my attempts at explanation and communication, I felt that I could no longer be treated as I had been previously. Consequently, I decided to ignore those involved. The question of who owed whom remained unanswered. Over time, this became a defining characteristic of my personality. While it was initially tolerable, I soon observed that the two individuals were becoming increasingly amicable, while I was becoming increasingly isolated. I questioned why I was being held responsible for the situation when it was, in fact, her actions that were causing it.

I have therefore decided to cease dealing with them. I feel aggrieved, but I am aware that this is not my fault. As a result, I am becoming increasingly unhappy.

After completing my education and entering the workforce, I also engaged in reading. Subsequently, I encountered a colleague who is a counselor. On Saturdays and Sundays, I would often visit her studio to assist with tasks unrelated to counseling. I felt particularly at ease with her. I also had an experience with her during my childhood when I ignored her, but after each incident, she remained unaffected and continued with her work. After the incident, I once inquired about her approach, asking, "Why did you ignore me and just let it go as if nothing happened?"

She smiled and handed me a book called "Wisdom 100," which she had recommended to me. She said, "The reason we treat every problem as a problem is that we lack wisdom. When we can't face reality, that's when our troubles begin."

Upon hearing this, I realized that I had finally identified the root of my long-standing internal conflict. In essence, cold violence represents an internal struggle, while cold violence towards others is a means of avoiding reality, evading challenges, and failing to address issues in a constructive manner.

Upon returning home, I became engrossed in reading material. I would like to share a passage with you today, in the hope that it will be of some assistance.

Wisdom and worry are antithetical. Unhappiness stems from an overinvestment in one's own existence and the surrounding environment. This is a drain on resources. Compassion and resentment are antithetical. Unhappiness arises from an unwillingness to invest fully in oneself.

Those with wisdom understand that everything in the world is temporary and that everything comes and goes. With this understanding, it becomes clear that one should not invest too much emotional energy in any single outcome.

It is possible that you may interpret this as meaning that you are no longer required to be cordial towards him in the future. However, we are going to treat her as well as we did before, but the incident itself will not affect the relationship between me and my colleagues, and it will not affect my positive relationship with her. The key thing is to resolve this issue, and it has nothing to do with other people.

It is important to remember that regardless of whether circumstances are positive or negative, successful or unsuccessful, profitable or unprofitable, the consequences of one's actions will be reflected in the future. To achieve desired outcomes, it is essential to acknowledge and address the reality of the situation.