Married for 6 years, childless, with a history of infidelity, how to continue the marriage?

Good morning,

From your questions, I can discern a certain inner conflict. It appears that you are constrained by certain thoughts and beliefs, unable to express your views, hesitant to act in accordance with your convictions, uncertain of the appropriate course of action, and unable to resolve the impasse.

I believe that, at your core, you want to give your partner a chance and also give yourself a chance to work on the marriage again. You can feel your partner's acceptance and love for you, and you can feel that your partner still cares about the relationship and wants to make the best of it.

Furthermore, my personal circumstances over the past few years have been challenging, and I lack the energy to effectively manage this marriage. To re-manage this relationship is to provide your partner with an opportunity, and also to provide yourself with an opportunity to re-manage and give.

What is preventing you from taking action? You say, "I am still affected by the infidelity that occurred during our marriage. Even my unit and relatives were aware of it at the time of the divorce. I feel ashamed. Living happily with him is like knowing that people who know about us are laughing at the joke. I have observed others being cheated on and still maintaining a positive outlook. I am unsure where this belief originated, but I am unable to move past it."

You appear to be aware of the factors that impede your progress. Do external perceptions, particularly those conveyed through glances or comments, frequently influence your actions?

While your heart desires to forgive your partner and provide him with an opportunity to make amends, you are unable to move forward due to the potential comments from your colleagues. These comments consistently lead you to believe that if you and your partner become happy, you will be perceived as inadequate or unwise by others.

I believe that excessive concern about the opinions of others, a tendency to internalize external judgments, and an inability to break through these barriers and pursue one's goals may not only hinder personal relationships but also contribute to depression. Depression can result from an inability to express a range of inner needs, emotions, vitality, and enthusiasm.

What is the obstacle preventing you from expressing your true self? Is it the numerous thoughts and beliefs about how others may perceive you? It may be beneficial to take some time to reflect on the thoughts and concerns that often impede your ability to be your true self.

Are you prepared to discard these thoughts, attempt a solution, and gradually allow yourself to act in accordance with your own thoughts? Despite the potential for discomfort, are you willing to give it a try?

Perhaps, over time, you will come to recognize that these fears are unfounded. Thoughts that cannot be surpassed are merely illusory.

I encourage you to give it a try. If it doesn't work out, it's better than never taking the first step. You may find that you feel more relieved and at peace with yourself.

I hope this information is useful to you. Best regards,

Hello, friend. From what you've shared, it seems you're facing some challenges in understanding your situation. There's a saying that's been circulating lately: marriage is a woman's second rebirth.

You mentioned that you had depression before marriage and that you married your husband because you felt that he was a good person and you tolerated him. It seems that you still have a certain emotional foundation, or there is something about him that attracts you. You didn't describe your husband's appearance or qualifications in detail, which shows that you don't place too much emphasis on his other qualities. Perhaps it would be helpful to value his character and temperament more. The unsatisfactory sex life after marriage may also be due to the long-term lack of understanding between the two of you, which has caused dissatisfaction in this matter. As a result, your husband's infidelity has become a significant challenge, and your life has been affected ever since.

First, it might be helpful to consider whether you still believe it would be beneficial to give the other person a chance. Marriage is a partnership, and it's important to remember that you are willing to give him a chance to turn things around. It's also important to consider whether he is willing to accept this.

Second, you feel that you could have managed the marriage better in the past few years, which may have contributed to the difficulties you are facing. In the future, what aspects could you change, including your personality and behavior patterns, as well as some of the other person's behavior patterns, etc.? (Of course, this also includes whether the other person will cheat again.) Third, after the other person came to understand that cheating is intolerable, why do they seem so calm?

His attitude may be a significant factor in determining whether you can continue to move forward in the future. If you wish to do so, it is important to consider whether you are prepared to accept the other person's unrepentant behavior, or whether the other person sincerely apologizes to you. Additionally, it is essential to reflect on whether you can forgive the other person from the bottom of your heart and let bygones be bygones.

It might be helpful to let go of your worries and calmly consider these three points. Your heart may be able to provide some guidance in this situation.

I hope you find these suggestions helpful.

It's okay to feel hurt and angry about what happened. Even though two years have passed, it's still there in your heart, and it's natural to feel it when you're feeling negative.

You've been married for six years, which is quite a long time. There aren't many six-year periods in life. You've already paid too much of a cost, my dear. I don't know why he cheated in the first place. I hope he doesn't try to pass the buck. I also see that he has impotence. Is he receiving treatment?

You're both over 30 now, and I know you have a lot on your minds about the future. It's so important to remember that your partner still loves you, and that's something to be grateful for. There's still a chance for you both to live a happy life together.

It doesn't matter what other people think, your marriage is still for you two. Infidelity is becoming more and more common, but that doesn't mean it's normal. You will still have some trauma in your heart, but you will get through this together.

And the good news is that these traumatic connections can also be healed through psychological counseling. This allows you to talk about the past, think about how to create a romantic atmosphere with your husband, and warm up the relationship. You can enjoy life, let the past become the past, and break through the shackles. Give each other a chance, and also give each other a chance. Both parties can talk about the rules of engagement like adults, and add some spice and understanding. The days can still continue, so let's do this together!

ZQ?

Good day!

As a heart exploration coach, I believe that learning is a valuable process that can bring about positive change.

From your description, I can sense a certain inner conflict, hesitation, anxiety, and pain, as well as a strong desire to change.

I don't intend to delve into the specifics of the challenges you're facing due to an unsatisfactory marital status. However, I would like to offer three suggestions for your reflection:

If I may make a suggestion, it would be to try to accept your current situation.

I believe that doing so will help to ease your mind a little, which in turn will help you to think about what you should do next.

You mentioned that you have been married for six years, have no children, and two years ago, you discovered that he had been unfaithful to you. Despite your differences, you continued to live with him until now. Now you want to reconcile, and he loves you, and you want to give him a chance, but you are concerned that others may view your happiness as surprising given the circumstances. This has led to feelings of sadness and conflict. It is understandable that you are experiencing this, as most people care about what others think of them. Additionally, when you fought over the divorce, your colleagues at work and relatives were aware of the situation. It is important to try to accept your state of mind and "see" the somewhat overwhelmed you right now. This will give you extra mental energy to think about other things, otherwise your mind will always be surrounded by all kinds of negative emotions.

It may seem counterintuitive, but allowing yourself to accept your current situation can actually make it easier to promote change. After all, change is based on allowing for no change.

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to try to view your own state of mind in a more rational way.

It may be helpful to consider that rational thinking can assist in gaining a deeper understanding of oneself and of reality.

To gain a more rational perspective on the situation, it would be helpful to consider the following two steps:

It would be helpful to remember that the marriage is your own and that your feelings are the most important.

It is understandable that you care about what other people think, but it is also important to remember that your marriage belongs to you and that your feelings are what matter most.

Take a moment to reflect. Who truly cares about the state of your marriage? It's likely that it's someone who cares about you deeply. Would someone who truly loves you laugh at you? It's unlikely. They want you to be happy in your marriage. So, it's important to make a choice based on your true feelings.

It would be helpful to understand that a marriage that has been unfaithful needs to comply with these four principles in order to be maintained:

It is important to recognize that the first principle is that the individual who has engaged in infidelity should be able to recognize the harm caused to their partner.

It would be beneficial for the cheating party to take the initiative to repair the relationship.

The third principle is that the party who has been cheated on should set a limit on their response.

The fourth principle is that both parties should work together to address the issue and improve the marriage.

From what you've shared, it seems that the first two principles are largely aligned. You've expressed that you can see that he still has feelings for you and wants to build a life with you. This suggests that the next step is for you to take the initiative.

Perhaps, if you consider the situation rationally, some of the negative emotions you are experiencing might begin to dissipate.

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to focus on yourself and consider what you can do to feel better.

When you take the time to think things through, you may also be able to identify a solution. At this point, you focus on yourself and try your best to do a good job.

For instance, when you find yourself dwelling on the thought of being laughed at by others, you can gently remind yourself that your marriage is your own, and that your true thoughts are of the utmost importance. It may be helpful to remind yourself that a person who truly loves you will support you, and that being laughed at is not something you should take personally. This kind of suggestion is likely to make you feel better.

Once you have made up your mind to make it work, it would be helpful to set limits on your reactions. It might be unproductive to hold his infidelity against him or use it as a moral advantage in other areas of your life. This could inadvertently push him away.

It may also be helpful to reflect on past mistakes and strive to do better in the future. This can contribute to a sense of improvement and more effective management of the marriage. Additionally, your efforts to change and become more responsible may be noticed by your partner. This could lead to a collaborative approach to managing the marriage, which might also enhance your sense of well-being.

It might also be helpful to communicate with him well and tell him what's on your mind. This could potentially lead to a positive development in your relationship, including his impotence and your depression, which might gradually resolve. You might even consider having a child, which could further enhance the happiness in your marriage. Ultimately, it's important to understand that as long as you want to manage your marriage well, you can take steps to change the status quo.

When you take action, you may find that the various negative emotions in your heart gradually dissipate, as action can sometimes be an effective way to overcome these feelings.

I hope my answer is helpful to you. If you would like to communicate further, you are welcome to click "Find a coach" at the bottom, and I would be happy to communicate with you one-on-one.

Hi, thanks for the questions! When someone shows you they love you, but there are problems with the emotions because of something you did, we know it's partly our fault.

Once we've calmed down and the other half has been honest, we can give each other and ourselves a chance. But because the previous incident was so big and well-known, we'll be caught in a dilemma and feel anxious.

A nuclear family is built on the foundation of both the wife and the husband. The influence of the two parties' respective original families and children on the nuclear family is far less than the above two factors.

So, when a wife and husband have a conflict, they need to sit down together and work out what the root cause of the problem is and come up with a solution. There are two main reasons why a husband might be unfaithful: he might need more sex or he might need more emotional intimacy.

Based on what we've discussed and the landlord's description, it seems that the wife is "depressed," which isn't to say that she can't meet her husband's needs. It seems that the husband is a bit "impotent" and blames us for it. It's pretty clear that there's nothing wrong with the need for "sex," and the problem lies in the emotions. The need for "sex" is also based on emotions. If there's no emotional "sex," it's undoubtedly numb and without tactile experience.

Given the wife's psychological barriers, it's likely that her mental disorder has led to poor handling of family relationships or neglect of her husband's feelings.

What should we do?

First, we need to know and accept ourselves. We have psychological barriers in certain areas, and the root cause of these barriers is the inconsistency between psychological needs and realistic needs. All of this is closely linked to our childhood memories and some family changes. As long as we can overcome the psychological barriers, we can break through them.

Secondly, we communicate deeply and negotiate together. We'll be working on all our ideas and practices together with my husband.

So, we first need to understand ourselves, sort out our emotions, and then have an open and honest exchange with our husbands. At the same time, if the communication goes well, we need to satisfy our husbands' daily needs and work with them to run our family well.

You can also plan some little surprises along the way. As they say, "What goes around comes around," which can really help to improve communication between the two of you.

Ultimately, we just let things happen and let nature take its course. For our past misstep, it's likely that someone will understand, even if it's not everyone.

But at the end of the day, life and marriage are our own, and my husband's are too. So we go our own way and let others talk! At the same time, while we're working on repairing the relationship, we need to make sure we're balancing work and family. And we need to give time a chance to work its magic and help us move on.

I hope these answers are helpful to you!

Hello! I read your post and I can totally relate to your situation. I'd love to share some perspectives with you:

1. Let's dive into the current state of the questioner's marriage! It's been six years, no children, and the couple has been through some tough times. The husband has been dealing with depression, and there have been some challenges in the relationship. But here's the exciting part: the husband was found cheating, and after a divorce, they got back together! The reason you compromised was that you were afraid that after the divorce, you would have difficulty finding a suitable partner again. During this time, you were able to feel your husband's love, but you cared a lot about what other people thought. It seemed that you needed to give an account to others about how your marriage was going.

2. I can feel the anger and hurt of the questioner after learning about her husband's infidelity. I also feel from the questioner's description that she has had to compromise a lot and feels helpless in this marriage. This is an amazing opportunity for her to reflect on her purpose in choosing to get married!

Do you love your husband? Who do you think you need to be responsible to in your marriage?

I feel that your choice and persistence in marriage have been influenced by the so-called general social values and the opinions of others. So, have you asked yourself what you really think? I'm excited to hear your answer!

3. From what you've told us, it's clear that your husband loves you. He chose to marry you despite knowing your physical condition. He was wrong to cheat on you, but he's made up for it by treating you well since you reconciled and wanting to spend time with you. I'm sure your husband has also made a lot of efforts and concessions in this relationship.

You also mentioned that you actually want to give him a chance, and I think that's great! After all, I was in a bad state for a few years after getting married, and I didn't manage the marriage very well. So there is actually a good foundation for managing this marriage, and I'm excited to see what the future holds!

4. The core of a family is the relationship between husband and wife. Intimacy can be cultivated by both partners! The wounds of infidelity definitely take time to heal, but they are more about how you feel about the marriage than what others say about it.

I feel that you and your husband each still have some things that you haven't opened up to discuss and face together. If you are constantly filled with doubts and worries, you might as well find the right time and the right atmosphere to discuss your own affairs together, respecting each other's feelings and choices most importantly. This is an amazing opportunity for you both to come together and work through these issues.

Hello, and thank you for your question.

Your question shows you are in pain and depressed. You doubt yourself and feel bad about yourself.

1. About the questioner's depression.

We've been married six years with no kids because I've been depressed. He knew when we got married because he could accept me.

Depression is when you can't be seen, understood, or accepted by the people you love.

Over time, you've formed a pattern of self-criticism. Even if others like you, if someone says or does something you don't understand, you might doubt yourself.

Depression can be cured. At that time, you were grateful that the other person accepted you even though they knew you had depression.

Be grateful to yourself. You save yourself.

If you're in pain, you can find a counselor or psychiatrist to help you love yourself again. Many people have said that if you do, you'll feel better.

You can always start loving yourself and stop attacking yourself. You just have to be ready.

Your depression is there for a reason. You need to find out what that reason is.

2. About finding out your partner has cheated.

He said my depression caused him to cheat on me. I argued with him about getting a divorce, but I stayed because I was 32 and I'm 34 now. I'm afraid that if I divorce him, it will be difficult to find someone because I'm depressed and I'm also older. I just continued living like this until now. He still loves me and wants to live a good life with me, but I still can't get over his cheating. I feel ashamed. Living a happy life with him is like someone watching a joke, seeing that you have been cheated on by someone else.

It's not your fault if you're cheated on. It's not because of your depression. Most people cheat for their own reasons. It's not your fault.

Psychologist Miki Mizusawa said:

Infidelity is a defense against low self-esteem.

If you let down your guard, he will suffer in the marriage. His marriage and he and his partner will also have real problems.

3. About managing the marriage again.

Tell us, how many marriages that have been unfaithful have improved? I want to give him a chance. I was in a bad state for the first few years of marriage and didn't manage it well.

Although Liu Dong cheated on her, she's become more beautiful. Many people think she's getting better. She doesn't care what others think. She knows her husband hurt their marriage and accepts it.

If you want a good marriage, you have to manage yourself first. Your self is where all stories begin.

Your true self will guide you on how to have a good marriage.

I hope this helps. I love you.

Hello! Let me give you a hug.

Your husband's infidelity hurt you, but you're doing well to reflect on your relationship and what you could do better.

Your husband's infidelity hurt you. You felt unloved, disrespected, misunderstood, betrayed, rejected, and let down. You didn't tell him your true feelings. You needed him to treat you better. You needed him to provide more emotional value. You told him what your bottom line was.

You didn't handle your feelings well. You were carried away by your emotions and expressed them emotionally. Let him bear the guilt because of this.

You handled this badly, but you did the best you could at the time. It was wrong of you to humiliate him, but he has since shown he cares. This is why you feel he has always loved you.

You haven't left him because you were hurt. You've also seen how sincere he is. You both want to live well, love each other, and be together. You've grown up and matured. You've realized you have shortcomings in the relationship. You're willing to grow up because of this.

You can't let go of this because you feel you handled things badly. You can't accept that moment of yourself and put yourself in the position of a victim to relieve your guilt.

Find a time when you and your partner are in a good mood. Set the scene, tell him you're sorry, and express your love and expectations for the future. Your honesty will guide him to express himself.

I'm Lily, the listener from the Q&A. The world and I love you.

Hello, question asker. From your words, I can sense that you're feeling confused about your situation and experiencing some discomfort. I'll try to describe my perspective and hope that it will be helpful for you.

You mentioned that you have been married for six years without children, and that after choosing to marry her, he himself had impotence and rarely had sex with you. However, his claim that it was caused by your depression may not be entirely accurate. It may be helpful to consider the various reasons for this, rather than generalizing. What I can see more clearly in your description is that you have needs in this relationship, and you are nourished by it. However, because he cheated, it made you feel very painful. This situation may require you to examine the relationship in your marriage. You may find it helpful to speak with a marriage counselor or therapist to help you provide specific methods and solve problems.

In a relationship, we often seek to fulfill our need for love and support. When we choose to build a family with someone, it's because we need them to be a reliable source of love and stability. However, as time passes in a marriage, it's not uncommon to find that the relationship may face challenges and difficulties.

As intimacy deepens, it is not uncommon for two people to find common ground in their differing experiences and upbringings. If he has developed a subtle sense of shame about your infidelity, it might be helpful to reflect on your own family of origin or how your parents' relationship was like. In particular, it could be insightful to consider how your mother viewed your father's actions, given that he was unfaithful to her, which may have contributed to your feelings of shame. It might be beneficial to explore the underlying reasons behind this sense of shame.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider what you are really afraid of. It could be said that the breakdown of a relationship is more about facing our inner demons.

Secondly, it might be helpful to consider your relationship from a developmental perspective and to believe that it will continue to improve.

I wish you the best.

I would like to extend my love to the world and to you.