Married for a year, constantly arguing due to the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship, how to cope?

Good day. I am Xin Tan, Coach Fei Yun. I appreciate your willingness to share your story. It is not uncommon for conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to escalate into marital discord. In your case, the situation has reached a point where the couple is contemplating divorce.

It is understandable that you currently feel helpless, hopeless, and unwilling to accept the situation.

Let us engage in a process of empathic understanding through physical contact, and then examine the genesis and evolution of these issues, as well as potential solutions.

1. It is important to gain an understanding of the nature of marriage.

A marriage is, in essence, the formation of a new family unit, comprising one representative from each of the two original families.

Consequently, the marital relationship must undergo three phases of adjustment: the alignment of the interests and hobbies of the two individuals, the harmonization of the living habits of the two individuals, and the integration of the two families.

You indicated that you have been married for a relatively brief period of time, approximately one year, and that the ongoing disagreements regarding the relationship between your mother-in-law and you have led to marital conflicts. There are numerous potential causes for such conflicts. Given the relatively short duration of your marriage, it is understandable that you and your spouse may require time to adjust to one another's personalities and expectations. The involvement of a third party, your mother-in-law, in your relatively small family has introduced additional sources of friction.

The specific cause of the argument between you and your mother-in-law is unclear. However, it is probable that the underlying issue was the unmet needs of one or both parties in the marriage, which ultimately led to the conflict.

The book Why Does Family Hurt? provides an in-depth examination of the three primary types of relationship misalignments observed in traditional Chinese marriages: misaligned husband-wife relationships, misaligned parent-child relationships, and misaligned relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law.

The term "misaligned relationship" as it pertains to mother-in-law and daughter-in-law dynamics primarily denotes a phenomenon wherein, following the marriage of their children and the subsequent establishment of a family unit, parents find themselves unable to psychologically disassociate themselves from their offspring. This can result in actions or behaviors that may be perceived as crossing certain boundaries. Even in situations where a family is engaged in shared activities, it is crucial to maintain a sense of delineation to ensure the comfort and well-being of all members.

The man in the middle is in the most painful position when the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not harmonious. On the one hand, he has his parents (filial piety), and on the other, he has his wife (love). As an immature man who does not know how to handle things, he will choose to prioritize protecting his parents over supporting his wife.

One can postulate that the pain he is experiencing is considerable.

It would be beneficial for this man to undertake a psychological separation from his parents. Ideally, he should be able to live independently, without further contact with his parents.

The idioms "passing the buck" and "keeping secrets" elucidate the distinction between an unwise and a wise man.

In conclusion, maintaining a certain distance and space is still an effective strategy for fostering positive family relationships.

?2. Meeting Needs in a Marriage

The relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is characterized by discord, and he does not receive the support and understanding he requires from his wife. His silence, despite his discomfort in the situation, contributes to a sense of hurt and distress.

Ultimately, his parents are his parents, and the family relationship is harmonious. Additionally, he plays a significant role within the family dynamic.

In a marital relationship, a woman desires to feel a sense of security, value, and care from her partner. His silence ultimately failed to provide the necessary comfort, understanding, and consideration in a timely manner.

It is inevitable that unmet needs will eventually give rise to conflicts between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, which in turn will lead to further conflicts between the husband and wife.

The anger and impatience that you currently experience may be the result of unmet needs. If you wish to continue the relationship, it would be beneficial to engage in honest and open communication with your husband.

A significant number of family conflicts can be attributed to a deficiency in communication or an unwillingness to engage in it.

Communication entails the conveyance of ideas and the articulation of emotions with the objective of reaching a consensus and diffusing emotional tensions in order to collectively identify a solution to the problem at hand.

It is important to communicate your genuine feelings about your relationship with your mother-in-law and your ability to manage your marriage. At the same time, it is essential to listen to your partner's views and feelings, particularly regarding their sense of helplessness and powerlessness in the conflict between your mother-in-law and you.

If both parties are committed to fostering positive outcomes and working collaboratively towards harmonious family relationships and a fulfilling marriage, effective communication can facilitate the resolution of any underlying issues.

It is imperative to refrain from accusing, criticizing, or complaining. Such actions often evoke a sense of powerlessness in the other party. It is crucial to recognize that this is a personal matter that concerns both parties and that it is therefore imperative to maintain a sense of wisdom and self-control in order to preserve the integrity of the marriage.

It is my sincere hope that the aforementioned advice will prove beneficial to you. I extend my warmest regards to you and to the world.

Should you wish to continue communicating, you are invited to click on the link entitled "Find a Coach," which can be found in the upper right-hand corner or at the bottom of the page. I will communicate and grow with you on a one-to-one basis.