My boyfriend deleted it out of anxiety. We are in a long-distance relationship. How can I reassure him?

Hello, dear questioner! I hope you're having a great day!

I can see your grievances and powerlessness. You want to express yourself, but it seems like others don't give you the chance to do so, which can make you feel blocked. It's understandable that you can't take his anxiety, and it's also understandable that he can't even take his own anxiety (nor can he take your powerlessness: "I don't want this kind of you").

I'm really sorry, but the truth is you can't reassure him. You can't change a person, and the source of his problems isn't there. He's only provoked by you. But here's the good news: you can change yourself and influence others!

I'd love to know what you think you can do to help yourself.

Please, please, please, tear off the label! (I really, really beg you, because many people like to stick a few seemingly professional terms on it.) The observer effect is a thing, and it can cause problems because you see it as a problem. Always remember that a person is vivid and dynamic, and their attachment status is not singular. Discover the new you, and see his safe side.

He deleted you, which means he's actually running away. It seems like his real wish is: "Please don't get close to me, I need to be calm/safe." If you were him, would you resist or accept? What you need to deal with at this moment is not his problem, but your problem – your fear and anxiety about losing him.

It's so important to remember that you both have your own needs in this relationship. Let's take a look at this description together: he is aggressive (he is expressing his needs), you are against it and say you don't like it (you feel his accusations and so begin to resent it) – he runs away, thinking you hurt him (he also feels your accusations and negations).

It's so hard when you can't see the real other person or their real needs, isn't it?

"He himself is not confident that I like him." - Don't worry, from now on you'll have all the confidence in the world! You'll be able to say with total confidence that he likes you.

It's time to let go of the helping plot and respect the other person's destiny. Let him make his own choices.

It's totally okay to gently express your needs and feelings. I can see that you're not at ease with the fact that he has deleted you, and you need to know what to do.

If you feel uneasy, you can express your thoughts directly, but don't be surprised if he doesn't respond.

Let me give you an example of how to express yourself well. If you feel hurt, I'm sorry you feel that way. If you need to calm down, I won't disturb you. I'm also a little sad because you've blocked me and I feel rejected.

(Express feelings) I'm here for you if you want to talk. (Express needs and support/acceptance)

— This incident happened, and I feel that some communication is necessary (even if it is unilateral), just to let him know that you accept him as he is. But now he has stereotyped you as "prevaricating," which means that he must feel that you are arguing about something. So, let go of your own agenda (such as wanting him to feel at ease—wanting him to be by my side—wanting to feel at ease yourself), and just be open and sincere. I know you'll be able to work it out!

Once you've made your position clear, you can let go of the matter because the rest is out of your control. Go out with your sisters, work hard, and be happy! This is trusting yourself and him.

Take care of yourself and love yourself!

With love,

Hello there!

I'm a heart exploration coach, and I believe learning is the treasure of the body.

From what you've told me, I can really feel how anxious, worried, in pain and helpless you must be feeling.

I'm not going to get into the nitty-gritty of your problems because I know you're not sure how to reassure your boyfriend. Instead, I've got three tips that I think you'll find really helpful.

First, I really think you should have a good, honest talk with your boyfriend.

I really believe that sincere communication is one of the best ways to resolve any kind of problem in a relationship, including a partnership.

I know it can be hard, but try to communicate sincerely. This means expressing your true thoughts from the heart. I'm sure you'll find that reassures him.

If he deletes you, don't worry! You can just give him a call. And if he doesn't answer, you can always find other ways to contact him, such as email or private messages on Weibo.

However, it's important to pay attention to the methods and approaches when communicating with him. I'd suggest doing two things:

One thing you can do is try to put yourself in his shoes and see things from his perspective.

As you mentioned in your description, he received little emotional care as a child and is quite vulnerable inside, like an anxious attachment personality. Moreover, you earn more than him, and he is not confident enough in your affection for him. So, his aggression towards you may be an attempt to appear stronger, but in fact it is a cover for his inner vulnerability. Therefore, you need to understand him first and empathize with him.

Second, it's a good idea to start sentences with "I" and talk about your feelings more. Try not to use sentences starting with "you" too much, because it might make him feel rejected or accused, which could make it harder for you to communicate.

For instance, you could explain to him why you got into a disagreement. If you were at fault, you could apologize sincerely and tell him that you still want to be with him and that you like him. You could also be specific about what you like about him, as this will boost his self-confidence. This way, he's likely to calm down and be willing to continue being with you because he sees your sincerity, and sincerity is the most difficult to impress people.

Secondly, I suggest you give him some time. In the meantime, try to calmly and peacefully express your true feelings to him.

After you've had a chance to chat with him openly and honestly, he might not change right away. It's okay! This is a great time to give him some space. It's a way to show him you respect and understand his feelings, and it'll also help him feel heard and at ease. While you're doing that, it's also a good idea to share your true feelings with him. Let him know you love him and that you're there for him.

Of course, if you feel like it, you can always go to him if you have the time and energy.

Also, when you patiently communicate with him, you can also talk to him about your future together. It's totally normal that he's still a little unsure of himself, especially since you're in a long-distance relationship. Talking about the future may reassure him and give him confidence in himself and your relationship.

I really think you should focus on changing yourself and doing your own thing well.

After you've had a chance to chat with him in depth and given him some time, and you've also had lots of calm, productive chats with him, but he's still feeling angry, it's okay to accept the situation as it is and not expect him to change right away.

When you stop expecting him to change, he may change instead. It may sound a little strange, but it's true! Change is based on allowing no change. And what you are giving him at this time is unconditional love, with full respect and understanding. Then he is likely to see your sincerity and reconcile with you.

I truly believe that when you communicate with him sincerely, give him enough time and respect, and accept him for who he is, he will feel at ease. It's so important to show him that you love him with your actions, and I'm sure he'll be able to feel it.

I really hope my answer helps you! If you'd like to chat some more, just click on "Find a coach to interpret – online conversation" at the bottom and I'll be happy to talk to you one-on-one.

Dear Questioner, Thank you for your inquiry. Best regards, Kelly Shui

Good day.

My name is Kelly Shui, and I am a heart exploration coach.

I am grateful for the opportunity to analyze this invitation together.

[A studious boyfriend, but his family did not provide adequate emotional support during his upbringing. I believe he is actually quite vulnerable.

[Anxious Attachment Personality]

Your boyfriend is a model student, yet the family environment lacks emotional support. Could you please elaborate on this?

It is, however, the case that many parents lack the capacity to provide emotional care. This may be due to a number of factors, including parental work commitments or a lack of emotional literacy. In such instances, it is not uncommon for parents to ignore their children.

As an example, please describe any instances where he was belittled.

Additionally, do they compare him to other children as he matures?

Another possibility is that he was neglected by other siblings in the family.

Another possibility is that he internalizes his parents' emotions, particularly given the frequency of their arguments.

To gain a deeper understanding of this individual, it would be beneficial to listen to him at a slower pace, allowing for a more comprehensive comprehension of his thoughts and behaviors. By demonstrating patience and a willingness to invest time in the relationship, it may be possible to foster a sense of trust and reliability.

In a secure relationship, he may exhibit regression behaviors.

For example, the way his parents treated him will continue to affect him, perhaps even unconsciously.

In regard to the anxious attachment personality as referenced by the questioner, it can be generally stated that anxiety is focused on the future. Is he primarily concerned about his future life situation, or is he anxious about potential future events that have not yet occurred?

Anxiety is often inherited from the original family, for example if his parents are anxious, or one of the parties. Growing up in such an environment will have a basic impact on the individual's sense of anxiety and insecurity.

An acute anxiety episode may manifest as excessive worry or nervousness in anticipation of an imminent event, such as an upcoming examination.

Anxiety is a common human experience, varying in intensity from person to person.

If you invest time in getting to know him better, you will both benefit from the growth that comes from a stronger relationship.

A positive relationship can gradually address some of the issues present in the original family dynamic, but it also necessitates an acknowledgment of the discomfort caused by certain tensions.

The questioner indicated that they had read a book entitled "Growing in Relationships."

The other person can be used as a mirror for each other.

The day before yesterday, we had a disagreement, during which he became somewhat anxious and aggressive. I informed him that I did not want to engage with him in such a manner.

As we are unable to ascertain the specifics of your interaction and the underlying cause of the dispute, we are unable to determine the source of his anxiety and unease.

This is an ideal chance for you to gain deeper insight into his position and to build a stronger rapport with him.

You were concerned that your comments might have triggered his insecurity.

Additionally, the man may be experiencing issues with self-esteem and inferiority.

Let us assume that the reason he deleted your WeChat account was...

1. He is insecure and attempting to ascertain whether you truly love him.

2: In the communication, he feels that he has lost face and is relatively inferior, perhaps thinking that you no longer wish to pursue this relationship. How about I have decided to end this relationship?

This also allows him to see that he is safe with you and can act in a more assertive manner.

3. He is eager to wait for your text message to explain, and he is sure that he knows you love him. This satisfies his own inner insecurity.

4. The deletion of your WeChat account suggests that he may still exhibit childish tendencies.

(You may find it challenging to handle emotional issues. This presents an opportunity to engage in a constructive dialogue, in line with your commitment to communication and problem-solving, even in challenging circumstances.)

I will provide him with an explanation via text message. He may perceive my actions as evasive.

Furthermore, the message indicates that the individual in question desires to avoid further harm. Given the challenges inherent to long-distance relationships, how should an apology be conveyed?

You have two options: write a letter or fly over there.

Your text message demonstrates your initiative in communicating and your ability to handle problems. It also illustrates your tolerance, your ability to identify problems, and your willingness to resolve them promptly.

Furthermore, your actions have conveyed your attitude to the other party.

He believes you are being evasive and allows you the opportunity to clarify your position on specific matters that have led him to this conclusion.

Perhaps the next communication can be more productive, and you can gain a better understanding of his feelings (e.g., which words he dislikes, or which topics elicit negative emotions).

Furthermore, it is evident that the questioner holds a profound affection for him. An individual can discern when they are loved. My recommendation for an apology is to address the matter and express remorse if you believe you have caused hurt to the other person.

If you are sincere, I am confident your boyfriend will accept it.

The questioner wants to move forward. Please take a moment to reflect on your feelings for your partner. Are you able to recognize the depth of your love for him? You have the option of expressing your affection on a regular basis, based on your mutual understanding. Disagreements are also an opportunity to strengthen your relationship.

(Please note that you are welcome to evaluate this yourself, should you have the time.)

As is the case with many couples, a marriage without arguments can be a daunting prospect.

"I earn more than him at work. He lacks confidence in my regard."

Please advise on the best way to reassure him.

If you both love each other and intend to marry, then marriage is a relationship of mutual cooperation. It is possible that you are currently the higher earner, but if you get married and have children, you may need to rely on your husband's income.

You may wish to inform him that your current high income is not a guarantee of future financial stability and that you may require his support in the future.

It would be beneficial to encourage your boyfriend more, allow him to recognize his own merits, and facilitate his potential growth. A supportive partner can serve as an invaluable source of guidance and inspiration, particularly in the context of future family planning.

Naturally, the prerequisite is that you love him and that he is worth investing in for the future.

It is important to be honest with each other and communicate effectively.

This approach may help to alleviate any pressure he may be feeling.

It is important to acknowledge your positive feelings towards him, to appreciate his qualities, and to recognise that men appreciate being admired. It is also important to be aware that you may occasionally display behaviours that are less mature, such as being overly protective and overbearing.

It is often the case that boys are less mature than girls, which may make emotional stability an important factor in maintaining a healthy relationship. At the same time, it is important to learn more about your own needs.

It is important to maintain your personal space and actively listen to your partner. While external factors such as academic performance or financial status may play a role in the relationship, they are not the most crucial aspect. The most essential element is the genuine love and respect between the two individuals.

Should you require further clarification, please do not hesitate to communicate.

Best regards,

Should you wish to continue the dialogue, you are invited to click on the "Find a coach" link, which you will find in the top right-hand corner or at the bottom of the page. This will enable me to communicate with you on an individual basis.

Dear Question Asker, My name is Evan.

You are in a long-distance relationship with your boyfriend, and you can't see each other often. The communication methods are also limited to a few options. Given the proximity of the relationship, the questioner perceives her boyfriend as vulnerable and anxious about the relationship. In a long-distance relationship, frequent contact and status updates are not possible, which can lead to feelings of insecurity. Communication with your boyfriend is influenced by your own family of origin and the impact of your boyfriend's family of origin.

It is important to understand how the questioner typically communicates with her boyfriend. Do they share the same goals and worldviews? If there are differences, how do they communicate them? The questioner needs to carefully reflect on these issues. In the questioner's narrative, she mentioned that when she and her boyfriend communicated, she told him not to be like that. This suggests that in her boyfriend's understanding, whether good or bad, it was all about him. If she didn't want the bad him, it meant that she didn't want him anymore.

It is understandable that the questioner's boyfriend deleted her contact information. It is important to note that when communicating with the questioner's boyfriend, it is essential to focus on the matter at hand rather than the person. Otherwise, the original communication pattern will remain, which is not conducive to the development of the intimate relationship between the two.

The current approach of the questioner is, in my personal opinion, perceived as aggressive towards her boyfriend. This is particularly problematic given that her boyfriend grew up in a family with a negative emotional climate. This approach is therefore detrimental to the development of your intimate relationship. In light of this, I would like to suggest some ways in which the questioner could deal with the current situation and how she could approach long-distance relationships more effectively.

As the question was posed on this platform, I would also like to offer the questioner some brief advice.

It is important to keep each other informed of your respective situations.

When problems arise in an intimate relationship, it is often the result of both parties' actions. In particular, the questioner and her boyfriend are in a long-distance relationship, and their work and leisure time are not aligned. It is also important for the questioner and her boyfriend to communicate and keep each other informed of their respective situations.

In addition to keeping the other party informed about your situation, it is also important to provide reassurance that you have not abandoned the relationship and that your decision to end it was not a hasty one.

For a relationship to be considered ideal, it is essential that both parties contribute equally. Attempting to achieve this through unilateral efforts is not a sustainable solution, as it can lead to fatigue. It is therefore advisable for the questioner to first discuss her concerns with her boyfriend and observe his response and perception of the relationship.

Additionally, it is recommended that each party provide a daily or biweekly status update, contingent on their availability.

Please express your feelings.

Long-distance relationships, where the two parties are currently separated, are not conducive to the survival of the intimate relationship. Apart from negatively affecting the questioner's emotional state, they also present challenges in maintaining a healthy and supportive intimate relationship. In such cases, it is beneficial for the questioner to initiate a conversation with their boyfriend about their expectations and desired behaviors in an intimate relationship. This can help to clarify any misunderstandings or discrepancies in expectations, and facilitate a more constructive and supportive dynamic moving forward.

It is only when the questioner is dissatisfied with their current intimate relationship that they will vent negative emotions on their boyfriend. In such instances, the questioner can attempt to express these feelings to their boyfriend. Should they wish to maintain the relationship, it is important for them to pay attention to their own ways and methods.

From the questioner's account and the boyfriend's response, it appears that the boyfriend's family may be emotionally detached or rejecting. In such a situation, it is important for the questioner to understand that boys from such families are prone to paranoia or anxiety. When communicating with a boy from such a family, it is essential for the questioner to focus on the matter at hand and not the person. It is also important to pay attention to their words. When faced with pressure from the boyfriend, the questioner can respond by stating, "I understand your current lack of confidence and anxiety, but your behavior of pressuring me like this makes me very uncomfortable and I don't like it. I hope you can talk to me properly and tell me your true thoughts, and I will respond with my thoughts as well."

In the face of her boyfriend's anxiety, the question asker is in a position to communicate with her boyfriend and inquire about his thoughts on the current situation and his desired course of action. It is important to be as sincere as possible and avoid attacking your boyfriend when he is already not confident in himself, as this will only negatively impact the relationship.

Discuss the relationship or future plans.

The questioner can often discuss various aspects of the relationship with her boyfriend, including current concerns and future aspirations. To initiate a conversation, it may be helpful to inquire about the evolution of the relationship over time.

It would be beneficial to have further discussions about the relationship and the future. Perhaps you could start by asking your partner what made them think we should start dating in the first place. You may also find it helpful to ask them what the biggest change they have noticed in you since we started dating.

What are my strengths and weaknesses as a girlfriend? How can I improve?

"What are your thoughts on our future? What are your plans for the future?"

"I have some thoughts about the future. Would you like me to share them with you?" "I feel that our current situation is uninspiring. Do you have any suggestions for improvement?"

"

Engage in a calm discussion with your boyfriend about the state of your relationship.

When the relationship between the questioner and her boyfriend is experiencing difficulties, it is important to maintain an objective and calm tone when discussing the relationship. If you notice that you are having problems as a couple, it is essential to keep an open mind and avoid letting your emotions influence your decisions.

It is advisable to focus on your intimate relationship, with occasional displays of passion, rather than remaining content with the status quo.

If the questioner wishes to inform her boyfriend that being pushed around is an issue for her, she can say, "Please do not assume that I am trying to hurt you. I care about you and our relationship, and I just want us to be closer."

"Your actions have made me feel insecure, so I would like to express that I do not approve of your behavior. I hope you can understand my perspective. I would like to request more time to consider our future."

It is essential to address the emotional issues on both sides.

It may appear more straightforward to avoid discussing challenging topics, but this approach can actually exacerbate the problem.

Instead, take the time to discuss the issue at hand. The questioner could say, "I am aware that my actions were inappropriate and caused distress. However, they were a reflection of my commitment to the relationship."

"I would be grateful if we could find some time to discuss this matter."

It is important to remember that avoidance of these difficult questions will only serve to exacerbate the situation and potentially lead to the deterioration of the relationship. It is advisable to address the issues between you in a calm and honest manner.

"If you still value our relationship, I must discuss some issues with you. I hope you will listen objectively and keep an open mind."

Please be patient.

Should any issues arise, it is advisable to communicate in a patient and constructive manner. The questioner should endeavour to be compassionate and convey their thoughts to their boyfriend in a clear and concise manner.

In the event of a conflict or problem, it is important to remain calm and attempt to understand the other party's perspective. You could say, "I understand that I may have caused you discomfort."

I hope we can communicate about this matter patiently, and I hope you can listen to me patiently. I will do my utmost to facilitate a frank and calm discussion.

"

Be transparent about your objectives and intentions.

When discussing emotionally challenging topics, it is important to address the subject directly. Regardless of whether the topic is about enhancing the relationship or resolving a conflict, it is essential to be transparent about your intentions.

As an example, you could state, "I would like to discuss the long-term prospects of our relationship. Do you have any concrete plans for our future married life?"

"How can we maintain consistency when we are in different places?" "Please discuss with him your views on the current intimate relationship."

At times, I feel that you are pushing me too hard, and I am reluctant to make a hasty decision. Given my concerns about my future, I hope you can provide reassurance and take my feelings seriously.

"

Long-distance relationships can be challenging, and often the issue is a lack of clarity regarding each partner's situation. Providing your partner with a daily schedule can offer a sense of security. Your boyfriend's pressure may be a sign of his lack of confidence in the relationship. It is important to give him confidence. If the above methods and approaches are ineffective, I recommend seeking the guidance of a professional counselor. These trained individuals can assist in repairing internal behavior patterns, leading to a more stable and sustainable relationship.

I hope this information is useful to you.

Hello, I'm Fei Yun, a heart exploration coach.

From your perspective, it seems that your boyfriend has expressed concern and deep love for you, which could even be described as "compassionate love." Given that your boyfriend may have lacked emotional care from his family during his upbringing, you may have also felt a sense of responsibility to treat him better. This argument has led to him deleting your WeChat, which has understandably caused you anxiety and worry about how to appease him.

My dear, I hope you will forgive me for having to offer a somewhat unwelcome perspective.

I'm wondering where you are in this relationship. This time, in a minor conflict, he deleted you, and you are still thinking about the "injured" him, even though it seems like you might be the one who is hurt.

Love is pure love and should not be mixed with other emotions. As a bystander, I can sense this. Could it be that a sensitive boyfriend like him might not feel it?

Could I ask you to consider whether you can accept a sudden counterattack from the other person, given that you are clearly tolerant, generous, and carefully protecting his fragile heart? This is similar to the situation we are discussing.

In such a situation, it would be wise to prepare mentally in advance, even if reconciliation is a common occurrence in your relationship. How long do you think you can support him?

Could I suggest that you try to be tolerant and understanding every time, even when you are also emotional?

If you have thought it through thoroughly and still wish to remain in the relationship, then I am sure it will be for the best. I have a few suggestions that you might like to consider.

1. Perhaps this conflict could be an opportunity to take some time to reflect and consider the future of your relationship. It might be helpful for you to think about the direction you would like your relationship to go, while he could think about ways to improve his anxious attachment in the relationship.

2. It is not our place to wake someone who is pretending to be asleep. The trauma brought about by the original family is something that he will have to face on his own, with our support and assistance.

3. Intimacy is based on equal love. Even if one partner gives more out of love, it can sometimes become a burden for the other. Many people long for an "ideal parent" from their partner, but such relationships are not always the most long-lasting.

I hope these words are helpful to you. The world and I love you.

If you would like to continue the conversation, you are welcome to click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom. I would be delighted to communicate and grow with you one-on-one.

Hello, questioner! I am Jia Ao, and I'm here to help.

I have carefully read the problems and confusions you described on the platform. You are confused about how to manage your relationship. Let me be clear: your boyfriend is a good student, but his family is not very good. His family did not pay much emotional attention to him during his childhood, and he is very fragile inside. He belongs to the typical anxious attachment personality type. He is not confident enough when he is in a relationship with you. When you argued, you said, "I don't want this kind of you," and he deleted you so that you would not hurt him anymore. You need to reassure him and give him enough security.

Your boyfriend is not secure in your relationship. He is not confident and cannot handle criticism. He is afraid of being hurt and would rather delete you than fight for your relationship. You are also in a difficult situation. Reassure him.

I'm going to tell you how to reassure an anxious attachment boyfriend.

I will help you analyze and sort it out.

1. I am going to tell you what an anxious attachment personality is.

[Anxious attachment] is an emotional state in which one cannot feel love and trust for a partner. Instead, there is a kind of "emotional hunger," a hope that the other person can save oneself or make oneself more "complete." The fear of being abandoned leads to fear, and this fear leads to anxiety and desire for control in a relationship. This puts a lot of pressure on the other person. [1] (Theory quoted from Baidu)

[Specific manifestations of anxious attachment]: "It is an attachment type in which "self-torment" and "tormenting others" coexist. People with anxious attachment desperately crave intimacy, and they are right to do so. However, they are also always suspicious and fearful that the other person does not want the same level of intimacy, which is an unreasonable assumption.

People in this pattern have one major issue: their needs are excessive. When they realize the other person can't meet them, they're consumed by fear and anxiety. "Hesitation and loss" is the most common result.

2. I want to know how to get along with someone with an anxious attachment.

[Be more tolerant and understanding.]

Anxious attachment partners are prone to emotional outbursts due to their lack of security. They will constantly seek reassurance from you, asking, "Do you love me?" "How much do you love me?" "Will you always love me?" "Am I the most important person in your heart?" etc. They need to feel your love all the time to feel at ease. You may feel impatient and think that these questions are like a broken record, but for an anxious attachment partner, they are everything. He will only truly feel at ease and be able to be with you when he has received your affirmative response.

Therefore, you must be more tolerant and understanding of him when you are together in your daily lives. He doesn't mean to be like this. I'm sure he just can't help it. It's because he is a very insecure person, a child who didn't get much attention growing up. All he wants when he grows up is the wholehearted care and attention of his partner. You need to be more patient. He will love you a thousand times more if you lose your temper and distance yourself from him. Your relationship will only get worse if you don't.

[Express your love clearly.]

People with anxious attachment styles act anxious and fearful because they don't get the attention and affection they need from their partner. You need to reflect on whether you have expressed your love to him during your time together.

If you don't, you should tell him clearly and directly that you love and care about him. This will make him feel more secure and reduce his anxiety. You might think a remark like this is insignificant, but it can be damaging. If you understand how your remark has affected him, you need to show your sincerity and make it clear to him that you're sorry. This will help you resolve the misunderstanding.

[Lower your expectations]

If you understand the personality traits of this type of person, you will understand why they are insecure. It is likely because they have not received enough love, or perhaps because they are perfectionists prone to daydreaming and worrying, always wanting their partner to do what they want and afraid of separation.

If you want to stay with him for a long time, you need to lower your expectations and stop being so harsh on him. Give him a sense of security, consider his feelings more, and guide him slowly. Show him that you care about him.

If you want to cherish him, you have to go to him and tell him your true thoughts. If there's a misunderstanding, explain it; if there's a conflict, resolve it. Let him know you don't want to lose him. In the future, you can discuss and solve anything. Open up and have a good chat. Reconcile soon. Your relationship will become more harmonious and last a long time.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful. The world and I love you.

The anxious attachment type boyfriend has been deleted, and the subject is now engaged in a long-distance relationship. The subject is contemplating methods of reassuring their partner. It is evident that the subject cares about the relationship and the individual with whom they are in a relationship.

Facing deletion and being in a different place, you are uncertain about the most effective way to convey your love for him in the shortest time, which has become a significant challenge for you. It is my hope that the following information will provide some support for you to navigate your emotional confusion to a certain extent.

First, recall the pleasant moments you have shared in the past or the warm images of you reconciling after a disagreement. Consider whether the current situation is similar or different from past experiences. Accompany your boyfriend as you recall your fond memories together.

First, recall the affectionate moments you have shared in the past or the warm images of you reconciling after a disagreement. Consider whether the current situation is similar or different from past experiences. Accompany your boyfriend as you recall your fond memories together.

When individuals engage in conflict, they tend to recall negative aspects of their partner's behavior and overlook positive attributes. As you strive to retain your boyfriend and repair the relationship, it is beneficial to take a step back and recall instances of mutual understanding and respect. Similarly, assisting your boyfriend in remembering these moments can help to break the current impasse and facilitate a deeper exploration of underlying issues and inconsistencies in your relationship.

2. The resolution to this dilemma rests with the boyfriend, and following an open and honest exchange, it is evident that a certain degree of autonomy is permitted.

2. The attainment of peace of mind is contingent upon the actions of the boyfriend. Following an open and honest exchange, it is evident that the extent of one's own agency in this regard is also clear.

Given that the boyfriend is an anxious attachment type, it is possible that he may exhibit a tendency to over-claim in the relationship. This does not necessarily indicate that he is doing so intentionally; rather, it may be a reflection of his inner world, where a younger, vulnerable self may persist. This younger self may be guided by a sense of unease and a fear of abandonment, influencing his thoughts, actions, and emotions. Consequently, it is important to recognize that these factors may shape the dynamics of the relationship.

Subsequently, after providing comfort to the inner child, who may be perceived as helpless and insecure, it is possible to ascertain the genuine desires and needs of the studious boyfriend, who has reverted to an adult state of mind. Through negotiation, a plan can be devised to address any potential future occurrences.

It is important to note that the inner child of the boyfriend may periodically emerge to disrupt the equilibrium and test the boundaries. Consequently, the proposed plan may not be entirely equitable. As the other party in the relationship, it is essential to consider whether to accept the plan as is or to negotiate a more balanced arrangement based on mutual understanding and acceptance.

Once love is imbalanced, it becomes challenging for a relationship to endure.

3. One may choose to invite one's partner to engage in individual counseling or participate in couple counseling together, with the aim of addressing relationship challenges.

If one relies solely on unconditional and tender love to repair damage caused by one's boyfriend's family of origin, it will present an extremely significant test and challenge for both the individual and the relationship.

It is preferable to refrain from undertaking actions that may result in undue risk and instead seek the guidance of qualified professionals.

The boyfriend may opt for individual counseling to address the personal issues caused by his original family, or both partners may engage in couples counseling to address the relationship-specific challenges posed by insecurity.

It is my hope that the aforementioned information will prove inspirational.

As a psychologist, my focus is not on the exploration of human nature but rather on the examination of the human heart. I extend my best wishes to you.

Gaining insight into the mind and fostering a culture of sharing are key to success. I'm speaking to myself here.

From a male perspective, a woman who identifies shortcomings in his performance may be perceived as demeaning and as an individual who lacks confidence in his abilities.

It is in a woman's nature to provide assistance when needed and to offer constructive feedback. If they care about someone, they will point out what they believe to be areas for improvement and how they should be addressed. A woman's approach is that offering advice or constructive criticism is driven by a genuine desire to help.

As stated in the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus,

A statement such as "I don't want you to be like this"

Some individuals may perceive this as innocuous and dismiss it as a jest. However, if conveyed to an individual with a fragile inner world and anxious attachment, it can become a significant impediment.

Individuals with weak inner strength and anxious attachments are particularly susceptible to feelings of low confidence.

For an individual with low self-confidence, this statement can have a significant impact.

In this situation, regardless of whether you choose to write a letter or proceed directly, the outcome may differ from your expectations.

Please explain the rationale behind this decision.

The question you ask is an accurate reflection of your sentiments: How can you reassure him?

What is it? It is to provide assistance when needed and to enhance his happiness in the name of love. It is to demonstrate your care for him. You appear to be capable of doing anything for him, provided it helps to ease his mind.

All of this is driven by your genuine affection for him.

Is that correct?

Your response must be affirmative. However, your internal thoughts may differ.

The information provided is contradictory.

It is accurate to conclude that you care about him. However, it is also accurate to conclude that you want to help him develop ideas and strategies to overcome his inner vulnerability, anxiety, and attachment.

Consider a scenario in which you have identified a solution to temporarily reassure him.

What is the perception of a man in this situation? A man who lacks the confidence to develop feelings for someone he desires and relies on a woman to provide reassurance – how is this viewed?

Is this a charitable act, or a display of pity?

It is possible that the man in question will not think this way initially, but when he has had time to calm down, this thought will still come to the fore.

If you truly wish to assist someone, you must first identify an individual who is willing to take the initiative. If you are unable to ascertain where he is, how can you possibly extend a helping hand?

If you truly wish to assist him in enhancing his confidence, I believe that two words are sufficient:

I would like to conclude by emphasizing the importance of encouragement.

It is important to recognise that perfection is not a realistic expectation in any relationship, whether in the context of falling in love or in the individuals involved in the relationship.

It is essential that both men and women in a relationship accept and understand their partner's shortcomings. This is particularly important when one partner believes they are more skilled than the other. In such cases, it is crucial for the more skilled partner to recognize the other's efforts and provide constructive feedback. Only when the less skilled partner receives consistent encouragement and praise will they be motivated to improve.

In conclusion,

Even if you believe you are more qualified than the other party in every respect.

Even if you believe he can accomplish many tasks independently.

However,

For male employees

Not being needed by others is indicative of

This is a sure path to failure.

If you would like him to become more confident,

Please be advised.

It is important to encourage him.

It would be beneficial for him to seek assistance.

Furthermore, it is important to demonstrate appreciation for his contributions.

First and foremost, it is evident that you hold your boyfriend in high regard, are invested in preserving your relationship, and are concerned about the prospect of losing him. I truly value him, particularly given his description as an "academic genius boyfriend."

Indeed, when addressing an anxious attachment, one's verbal approach may not be optimal. Asserting that one does not desire the other's behavior may evoke feelings of abandonment. An alternative would be to express one's own feelings, such as, "Your assertiveness makes me feel uncomfortable." It is crucial to convey one's emotions, rather than directing them at the other person.

It is my personal opinion that the conflict inherent to long-distance relationships is an enduring phenomenon, and that even if it is resolved in the present, it will likely resurface in the future. Given that your boyfriend is experiencing significant anxiety, it is evident that the most effective means of providing him with reassurance is to be in constant physical proximity.

Please describe how you learned about the anxiety associated with separation. Was this information conveyed to you directly by the individual in question, or did you discern it through other means?

The experiences he had as a child evoke a desire to provide assistance, yet it is unclear how this can be achieved. Given that the past is the past and that one was not involved in his childhood, it is difficult to know how to proceed.

This matter appears to be a private issue for him to resolve. As a girlfriend, one can choose to provide assistance or not. As a boyfriend, his childhood trauma is a personal matter. He may choose to address it independently or seek professional help. The ultimate decision regarding change is up to him.

The ultimate outcome of your assistance, whether it be positive or negative, is beyond your control. Similarly, the decision to forgive or not forgive is also his prerogative.

It doesn't matter if he's a good student or a bad student, he's still your boyfriend! It doesn't matter if he's anxiously attached or mature and equal, that's all part of who he is. For you, there's really only one question: is such a boyfriend suitable or acceptable?

It seems like you're really trying to adapt and improve, and it's clear that you want to reassure him to some extent. I can see that you're hoping to show enough relaxation and flexibility in your relationship, especially with your girlfriend, to be more in line with your expectations.

You see his behavior as a personality or emotional problem. As the old saying goes, you can see a person's character at the age of three. I know it can be tough, but can you remain submissive and compromise when facing conflict? After all, the other person will always have a logical explanation for their words and actions. For example, if they are aggressive, they are only arguing strongly for their position. If they cut off contact because their girlfriend threatens to break up, they are just deleting the contact.

Of course, it's great that you're willing to apologize or make sacrifices for the relationship. Love is a two-person thing, and it's so important to have mutual affection and compromises in a relationship.

If we don't keep an open dialogue, our emotions can run high and lead to conflict.

Emotions are fundamental, and getting along is a compromise. This is something that both parties need to be aware of. It's natural that both people will have different ideas and feelings, but it's important to be open and honest with each other.

But we all know that no one can accept perpetual compromise. This is just an example, and it can't be used to illustrate anything. In a larger context and with more examples, you'll have a clearer understanding of each other's demands and sensitivities.

I really think that for the other person, the best attitude and approach is to be straightforward and honest.

I mean, is being patient or reassuring him the answer to all his problems? Is his restlessness or aggressiveness only limited to certain topics?

Could there be other reasons, like how we see things, think about things, or even feel things? And remember, personality is a pretty complex idea.

Let's chat! We can talk about love, getting along, reality, and the future.

It's totally okay if you can't find answers to all the questions. It's great that you have some consensus on many basic emotions, principles, approaches, directions, etc. I'm sure this is really important and reassuring for him and you.

I really do wish you all the very best and a lifetime of happiness.

My child, let me give you a hug. I can tell that you always say that your boyfriend is anxious and vulnerable, and I think your current state of anxiety is quite serious. I have read about the things you described, and I want to remind you to think about some questions. Once you have figured them out, you will know what you should do.

1. You say the boy is a good student, but he has little care at home, so he is prone to anxiety and has a fragile personality, and is very attached to you. This is your own judgment.

You have a foundation in psychology, so I'm going to ask you a direct question. Before you had a fight, did you and your boyfriend have a formal exchange on this issue?

2. Anxious attachment and fragility are often underpinned by a deep-seated lack of security and a lack of self-confidence. You say that your boyfriend is a good student, but his income is not as good as yours. It's clear that, in addition to the personality factors brought about by his family of origin, there is also the anxiety brought about by the reality of your current relationship.

The impact of the original family may take a lifetime to heal, but you need to talk about the practical issues in a positive way. Make sure you encourage him that your higher income than his is temporary and will not affect your future lives.

3. Despite your arguments and your insistence that you didn't want things to be like that, he was the first to delete your contact information. Was it just a moment of anger, or had he been planning this for a while? You're in different places. Do you really understand his daily life?

4. You still love your boyfriend, and you want to reassure him. The best way to do that is to not live apart.

Tell me, have you made any substantial plans regarding this issue? And how long will you be apart?

You need to know how long it will be until you get married and start a family. You also need to know what you will do if you still have to be apart. And you need to know how you can avoid being apart.

You need to reassure your boyfriend. Discuss this realistic problem together. You mentioned that you can't fly there. Find another way.

You know in your heart that if you don't move to the same city, you will definitely ask your boyfriend to come to yours. And you're right. It's really hard to feel secure if you don't agree on which city to settle down in.

My child, calm down and decide if this is a sign that your relationship is over or just a bump in the road. Discuss the practical issue of living apart, rather than sweet nothings and promises.

In the process of discussion, you will know whether you can go on. Is your love for each other enough?

I hope you are happy.

Hello, question asker! I'm Jiang 61.

First of all, thank you for trusting us and being willing to tell us about your situation so that we can help. You asked: My boyfriend, who is anxious and clingy, has deleted me. We are in a long-distance relationship. How can I reassure him?

Let me introduce you to some methods. One of the best ways to reassure your boyfriend is to give him a hug.

1. Arguments

You said, "The day before yesterday, we had a fight, and he became a bit anxious and aggressive towards me. I just said that I didn't want this aggressive side of him."

1⃣️ Reason

You said your boyfriend is a bit anxious and agitated, and he is also aggressive towards you. You don't like this kind of personality and you told him so.

2⃣️, delete

You said, "The next day, he deleted me. I went to explain and sent a text message."

He just felt that I was being evasive. He also said not to hurt him anymore. Oh my god, long-distance relationships are tough.

What's the best way to apologize? Should I write a letter or fly over there?

Your boyfriend has blocked you and won't forgive you for what you said or did. He thinks you're being evasive.

And suggest that you two stop hurting each other.

? Hurt

Your boyfriend thinks you've been hurting him and making excuses to avoid the problem. He also thinks you could be more honest about your own issues.

Treasure

You're sad about what your boyfriend did, but you also know you have some problems. You want to explain everything to him face-to-face and reconcile because you value your relationship.

Since you're in a long-distance relationship, you feel like finding a soulmate is even more important. So, you're thinking about ways to save the relationship. Should you write a letter or just fly over there?

3⃣ Reality

You say, "I make more money than him at work. He's not sure I like him enough."

In this situation, the woman is in a stronger position than the man, especially when it comes to money. This will make the man feel inferior and anxious, which will also make him doubt your affection for him.

If you keep denying his insecurities, he'll probably crack.

2. Personality

Your boyfriend deleted you because of a few words and your relatively low income. It seemed pretty decisive and paranoid to me, and like he was self-centered. Because he didn't think about how you usually interact and handle relationships, I think he should be a melancholic type with an anxious attachment.

People with a melancholic personality tend to have these characteristics:

He's thoughtful, highly sensitive, idealistic, and in pursuit of truth, goodness, and beauty.

He's got a lot going for him: he's delicate and perceptive, loyal and reliable, talented, and insightful.

Downsides: He's stubborn, indecisive, self-centered, pessimistic, and passive.

So, he's really sensitive to what you say and do. He'll see your actions through his own lens, not yours. This includes your explanations, which he'll probably see as sophistry. He'll get stuck in a mindset and be unable to get out of it. This is a hallmark of a melancholic personality.

It's evident that your boyfriend's attachment style is anxious.

People with an anxious attachment style tend to invest a lot of emotion in a relationship. However, they often find that their partner isn't interested in developing the relationship as much as they would like. This lack of intimacy can make them feel uneasy and even worry that their partner doesn't value them as much as they value the other person.

People with anxious attachment styles are always very vigilant in intimate relationships. They're constantly pondering every move the other person makes, afraid of the instability of the relationship and feeling insecure. So they repeatedly confirm the relationship with you, showing doubt, being aggressive, speaking rudely, and covering up their inner fear and anxiety.

3. How can I reassure him?

You ask, "How can I reassure him?"

From the moment you started to express your desire to reconcile with your boyfriend and to find him to explain, you also felt your anxious and restless mood. You really value this relationship, so it's time to sort out your relationship because of what your boyfriend has done to create an irreparable situation, a situation that is completely incompatible with his character.

1⃣️, Expectations

Start by looking for his true needs, which you haven't met yet.

Here's what he's really asking for:

When he says you're being argumentative and you feel he's being aggressive, what he really wants is what I hope for, but you're not giving it to him.

Give him what he needs.

Make sure you understand what he's asking and then do it.

2⃣️, Effective Communication

It seems like you're arguing because you're both talking about things from your own perspective and feelings, which leads to a lack of understanding. If you use effective communication to resolve the misunderstandings, you can reach a consensus.

Communication is basically the exchange of information. It's the whole process of sharing a message with someone and hoping they'll respond the way you want. If you get a positive response, you've got effective communication.

Communication includes both verbal and non-verbal messages, with the non-verbal part often being more important than the verbal part. Effective communication is really important when it comes to dealing with people and complex social relationships.

There are four steps to effective communication:

Step 1: Talk about your feelings, not your emotions.

Step 2: Speak up about what you want, not what you don't want. Let your feelings show.

Step 3: Don't just complain, tell the other person what you need.

Step 4: Talk about where you want to go, not just complain about where you are now. Think about the end result, not just the current situation.

Have you ever had a conflict with your boyfriend or had a disagreement with him in the past? Have you ever noticed that one of these four steps was missing or that the wrong method was used in your communication, which caused today's conflict and misunderstanding? It's really important to use effective communication if you want to establish a good intimate relationship and grow as a person.

3⃣, Expressions of love

Love needs to be expressed and shown. This is how you build stronger relationships, more love, and deeper understanding.

We all express and receive love differently. Dr. Gary Chapman has identified five "languages of love": "affirming words," "quality time," "gifts," "acts of service," and "physical touch."

Affirming words are a great way to show your appreciation and support.

No matter if you're friends, colleagues, partners, or married, you need to hear praise and affirmation. Giving more positive feedback can really help your relationship.

Special moments are great times and memories you share with your partner. They could be something as simple as a candlelit dinner or something more meaningful. Whatever they are, make sure you give your full attention to the other person during these times.

Special moments are those wonderful times and memories you share with your partner, like a candlelit dinner or doing something meaningful together. Make sure you give your full attention to the other person during this time.

Be open to accepting gifts.

Giving and receiving gifts on special occasions is a great way to strengthen the bond between you and your partner. The ritual of exchanging gifts, as well as the gifts themselves, can create a sense of connection and shared experience.

Acts of service

In short, do what the other person wants you to do and make the other person happy through the services you provide in life. These service actions are often the little things in life.

Physical contact

Holding hands, hugging, and other forms of physical contact can increase the affection between you and your partner. It's a way of showing love and communicating without words.

If you use the five languages of love effectively, your boyfriend will truly experience love and his uneasy heart will be put at ease. Your relationship will grow as you become more adept at expressing your love. His capacity for love will also increase as a result of your interactions.

Dear Questioner, Believe in the power of positive thinking. You'll get a good result, thanks to all the love you've put in.

Hello. I'm going to give you a 360-degree hug.

From your question, it's evident that you love your boyfriend and understand him. You know he didn't receive emotional care from his family as a child, and he's anxious about attachment.

Let's not talk about professionalism. I'm sure you know a bit about it. Let's talk about how you can reassure him.

First of all, tell me why you got together in the first place.

Tell me what you liked about your partner at first. How did your partner impress you?

And what about you?

From this, it is clear that the most important value you can provide to each other is emotional.

I don't know your ages, but I'm certain it's mostly emotional value.

You're rational and not the type to fall in love. It's the emotions that move you. You earn more than him, and you say, "Oh my god, long-distance relationship."

Anxious attachment means giving up your own needs to please others and gain their "love." In a relationship, this manifests as being available at all times and attentive.

It's still very confusing.

These individuals are driven by a desire to reduce their own fear and insecurity. They seek to exert control over the other person, for instance by clinging to them and maintaining constant contact. When they are unable to do so, they experience feelings of sadness, distress, anger, and anxiety.

I want to know what made your boyfriend choose you in the first place. Was it your tolerance and empathy?

He may be compensating for emotional deprivation he felt as a child by projecting his anxiety onto you. He may see you as stable, but he is internally unstable, so he needs your stability.

These are just guesses, but they're based on what I've seen. The specific situation may not be like this, but you can still apply this advice. Think about why you got together in the first place and what the greatest value each of you provides to the other.

Now go and maximize this value.

For example, if you used to be tolerant, then you must be even more patient and tolerant of the other person. This will show them the value of the relationship and help them change their mind.

You will undoubtedly return to the old path. If you encounter similar problems in the future, I am certain it will be even more difficult to reconcile.

The relationship involves two people, so it will always be exhausting if it relies solely on the efforts of one person. You can't bring your boyfriend along, especially with his anxious attachment.

He needs to grow on his own.

Second, we cannot and should not try to lead others to change.

Your boyfriend's anxiety is rooted in an attachment pattern formed with his caregiver during childhood. It's likely that he has no other positive attachment experiences.

You cannot simply create a new and positive experience for him on your own.

There is a way to change his anxious attachment, but first, you are his girlfriend, and he is inherently not confident in liking you. This determines his state of mind and makes it difficult for him to accept the changes you want. It's simple: if you tell him to change, he will feel that you look down on him.

Second, he needs professional help. You can't take him anywhere.

Psychological counseling often says, "Do your own thing. Don't interfere in other people's business. Leave the rest to God."

Anxious attachment is your boyfriend's own business. If he's not willing to change, no one can help him. Even if you're willing to support him, the causes of anxious attachment are complex and beyond the abilities of ordinary people.

It doesn't matter whether you want to continue or your boyfriend wants to continue. Either way, your boyfriend needs to grow up and solve his own problems. Otherwise, the reunion will only be temporary. You can't control your partner by doing whatever they say. They need to feel secure and in control.

But that's too much to ask, isn't it? You're in different places.

Therefore, when it comes to this relationship, it's not about reassuring him. It's about reassuring him all the time.

You can find a way to reassure him this time. You will be able to do the same in similar situations in the future.

If your boyfriend doesn't fix himself, there's no way you'll ever be able to set his mind at ease.

I am a Buddhist and a pessimist, an occasionally positive and motivated counselor, and I love the world.