My boyfriend is an avoidant, and I feel so much pain. I can't leave him, but what should I do?

Dear

Men and women get along well together, and when they don't, there are endless problems. In the current situation, you've already identified the problem. The key to solving it is whether you're willing to face the situation and find a solution.

Don't expect to change others by yourself. Instead, think about whether you can accept such a boyfriend.

It's not our own efforts and sacrifices, or even self-sacrifice, that can make others change. It's all about them from beginning to end. If they don't intend to change or are determined to remain the same, then no matter what you do, it will be futile.

It's time to face the root of the problem. Your boyfriend's avoidance is making you suffer, but you can't live without him. If he's willing to change for you, then everyone will be happy. If not, what can you do yourself?

If the pain lasts for a long time, people's senses will become numb. It's like the frog in the pot of slowly boiling water or the girl being pursued by a PUA. She knows she's being persecuted but still goes after him like a moth to a flame just because of the brief moment of contact with brightness. What you need is a choice. You can choose to block out the pain, resign yourself to suffering, or step out of that suffocating space and find a new living space that makes you feel comfortable.

If you want the freedom to choose, you have to be independent.

Life is about coming together and going apart. If it's a good fit, you work together; if not, you go your separate ways. Sometimes you hitchhike or carpool because that's already been figured into the cost, or you barter goods for free, which isn't an option here. The most efficient and cost-effective way may be to work together, with priorities and tasks, but always keep in mind your role and responsibilities, to ensure that you are not replaced by a new hire, or eliminated from the team because your skills are outdated.

The sooner you tackle the issue, the more likely you are to find a solution and the less it will affect you in the long run. I wish you all the best.

Hello, my dear friend! I am the place of peace of mind.

It seems like your boyfriend isn't the best at expressing himself, and you're having trouble communicating deeply. This is making you feel pretty miserable, but you're not sure if you want to break up. It's totally understandable to feel torn, frustrated, and helpless in this situation.

How long have you been in love? I'd love to know what qualities in your boyfriend attract you!

I'd love to know more about your relationship with your boyfriend when you first met. What was his attitude towards you? Or perhaps you could tell me about the pattern of interaction between you?

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. From the beginning to the present, do you feel that your boyfriend's attitude towards you has changed?

If so, I'd love to hear more about what happened. What were your feelings and reactions?

If not, I'd love to know what started your current feelings. What happened at the time that made you feel this way?

I'd love to hear more about your relationship with your parents when you were young. What was your parents' attitude towards you?

I'm just wondering if your folks were the type to worry about your safety and often ask about your whereabouts, and were they only relieved when they received a definite answer?

You can do it! Look deep within yourself for the answer.

It's totally normal to want your boyfriend to reply to you in a timely manner and to want to know where he is and what he is doing. It's only natural to have these needs. If he can't do it, it's okay to feel a range of emotions.

You know what you need to do, my dear. You could try calmly and directly telling your boyfriend your true feelings and needs, while sincerely expressing your requests to him.

The pain of being unable to leave him shows that you care about him and the relationship. I totally get it! Does my understanding of this match your feelings?

This is what motivates you and gives you the drive to solve problems.

If you're ready to take charge of your life and realize that you're the captain of your ship, you'll see that you have the power to change your situation and, even more importantly, to change yourself.

We all have our own unique challenges, but the good news is that we all have the potential to grow and become the best versions of ourselves. With love as our guiding light, I truly believe that we can rely on our own strength to find the answers we seek.

Oh, another avoidant type!

"Avoidant" can be a bit mischievous, don't you think? I've already answered several avoidant family members here, so you're not alone in this! I also started researching attachment types after encountering them, so I understand your situation.

I just have one more question for you. Are you absolutely sure he is an avoidant attachment type? I might be wrong, but I think avoidance is "loving and hiding." If "love" is no longer mutual, then there's probably another topic that needs to be discussed.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. It can be really tough when we feel like our partners aren't expressing themselves or paying attention to the little details in our lives. It's natural to want to know where they are and what they're up to, and it can feel a bit lonely when they don't ask about our day either. It's so hard to communicate deeply when we feel like we can't, and it can hurt a lot. But it's also important to remember that we can't always leave each other. Let me just quote your question here so I can give you a bit more context. It's always tricky to make sense of things when we don't have all the information.

For instance, "not sharing daily life" could be a sign that you and your partner have different ideas about boundaries. But if you feel like "there's no way to communicate deeply," it's probably because you've got a gut feeling about your relationship. You might want to ask yourself: "Does he still love me?" Everyone has "avoidant behavior," which doesn't mean he has an "avoidant attachment personality."

If there's still love in the air and he happens to be a high avoidance type, the questioner can do the following:

• Show him some love and respect during this temporary withdrawal. Try to communicate and understand gently. After all, we want to improve this ineffective communication pattern.

• Treat yourself well and lower your expectations. We all have this thing where we want to know "why?" when we're faced with our partners.

Oh, what do I do? Why are you treating me like this? But there's no right or wrong in an intimate relationship, only communication and cooperation. It's okay! He has the right to choose to remain silent and not communicate, and that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. You just need to take care of your emotions, and you will often be able to see the real needs of your partner and yourself.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you win or lose in a relationship. Love is what matters most, and it's there to guide you through everything. I'm sending you both lots of love and hope you can get through this period successfully ?

Hello.

It's a brief explanation, but it's clear that if you want to understand the real situation in a relationship where trust is lacking and there's a lack of love, you must first confirm whether your boyfriend is highly avoidant and whether he is a true avoidant personality or a "fake" avoidant personality.

My boyfriend is not expressive and does not pay attention to details. For example, he does not share his daily life with me, does not like it when I ask him where he is and what he is doing, and does not ask about my life either. The two of us cannot communicate deeply, and it is painful, but we cannot leave each other.

True avoidant types who are attached long for a stable relationship that makes them feel safe. However, in reality, they are afraid and find it hard to trust, so they always keep their lovers at a distance. This shows the fear and unease they feel about intimacy.

However, if he is a "pseudo" avoidant, then the real situation is that he does not need this relationship; he just needs a relationship to maintain his life. Otherwise, a person would not have no desire or expectation for life at all.

This relationship may seem contradictory, but it's clear that avoidant codependents vacillate and linger in relationships, fearing the harm that relationships can bring. Pseudo-avoidant codependents, on the other hand, just try to satisfy their own needs and maintain a relationship that is not "in love," which is essentially selfish.

If you can get a clearer answer through self-analysis, you'll know whether your boyfriend is a true or pseudo-avoidant. Either way, you can take more beneficial actions that will help you, rather than avoiding yourself.

If your boyfriend is a true avoidant dependent,

1. Communicate your feelings and express your support for the other person.

If a baby doesn't get a timely response and sufficient care from his mother, he will show anger and ignore her. This will lead to avoidant attachment when he grows up because he can't identify with himself internally and has difficulty trusting his partner in relationships. This is because of the influence of feelings of "not good enough" and "unworthy."

He needs a genuine response and support to regain the information and strength to rebuild a stable relationship with his partner. Maintaining good communication and exchanging information in a timely manner gives the other person a sense of security and a positive response, and thus a willingness to face the current problem head-on.

2. Understanding the other person's defense mechanism will help you manage your anxiety.

If a child encounters a problem, it is likely that he will cry. An adult, however, will not cry but will use denial and rejection to acknowledge his current feelings. This is due to the other person's defense mechanism coming into play. It is important to understand that this is just a strategy on the other person's part. When the other person feels that facing the current problem head-on will bring him threats or overwhelm him, he will pull back to the real present moment. This can be achieved by gently patting his shoulder, giving him the same response, walking over to him and listening carefully, and giving him a hug to show support. This will make the other person feel a gentle response and restore trust between the two sides.

3. Express your needs to increase intimacy.

Intimacy is a relationship that goes further than others. There is also an inner need to be "noticed" and "loved" in an intimate relationship. It is reasonable and understandable to express one's normal needs, rather than repressing one's feelings and needs.

If the other person always avoids and treats intimate relationships coldly, the questioner can and should express their feelings and thoughts normally to make the other person aware of the real problems in the relationship. Only when the other person truly realizes the root of the problem will it be possible to gradually solve the problem through the joint efforts of both parties.

For example, you need to make the other person pay attention to your needs and respond positively. Only then will the boyfriend truly return to the normal channel of intimacy. Take small steps each day to gradually improve feelings of security and trust, and the relationship will develop steadily.

You've got this!

Hello, I'm Jia Ao, and I'm on a mission to find something amazing!

I can totally relate to your situation! I read your post and I can see that you're going through a lot. It's clear that your boyfriend has an avoidant personality: "He doesn't like to express and share, doesn't care about your life, and doesn't want you to know about his. It's hard for the two of you to communicate deeply." It's so tough when you're in a relationship where you're constantly feeling pain. I know it's hard to leave him, but I'm here to tell you that you can get through this!

In response to your question, let me help you analyze and sort it out!

Learn to love yourself!

From your description, I can tell that you are ready to make some positive changes in this relationship! I don't know when you first realized that your boyfriend has an "avoidant personality," or if you knew from the beginning that he was like this. How long have you been dating, and what is your usual mode of getting along? Are you the one who takes the initiative?

Indeed, most people know that it can be very difficult to get along with an "avoidant personality," let alone fall in love with them. They are always passive in intimate relationships. But here's the good news: no matter what type of person you fall in love with, you can absolutely put yourself first! You can learn to love yourself well before you have the energy to love others and be less vulnerable to harm. You can think carefully about whether you are really happy in this relationship. And you can make the choice that's right for you!

Take an objective and calm look at the "avoidant personality" and see what you discover!

People with an "avoidant personality" or an "avoidant" tendency are fascinating!

Introverted, passive, and like to avoid problems.

They also tend to lack the ability to express love.

They may not be the easiest to get close to, but they're worth it!

They are also very passive and avoidant in relationships, which makes them unique and intriguing!

They're not the type to initiate communication, that's for sure!

And they don't care about where you've been or why you've come!

They're not the most romantic, and they might not always show their feelings, but they're still great! They might not always remember special days, but they're not bad people!

...

Now, let me tell you what these specific manifestations of an "avoidant personality" are!

If they don't take the initiative to find you or reply to your messages, it's because they're not ready to love you yet!

If they always make you doubt and feel uneasy, it's because they don't love you enough!

If he treats you coldly, it's because he's got his eyes on the prize and is focused on loving himself more!

If you feel particularly insecure, it's because he doesn't know how to cherish you yet — but he will!

…………

Psychologists have identified three main types of attachment patterns: anxious, avoidant, and secure. These patterns are shaped by our childhood experiences, and while there are very few truly secure people, there's hope! You might be secure but anxious or secure but avoidant, but either way, you're on your way to becoming your best self. (Source: Baidu Baike)

? And remember, nothing is absolute. There's always room for change! Who knows, maybe your boyfriend will also change to a secure attachment one day. It all depends on how you get along and communicate with each other. Do you want to continue moving forward, or do you want to stop in time?

The choice is yours to make!

Ask yourself: What do you love about him? Why did you get together in the first place? Can you accept him as he is? Are you confident that you can continue to be with him? Think calmly before making a decision. If you want to continue with him, get along well with him in a way that suits both of you. If you don't want to continue, then say goodbye after having a good talk. In any case, put yourself first.

It's time to establish a healthy pattern of getting along with each other!

If you're ready to keep going, it's time to start compromising! The best way to move closer together is to adjust and find common ground. You've got to be willing to change for each other to avoid conflict. If you're truly committed to being together, it's not enough to just be calm on the surface and get along with each other. You've got to learn to discuss and solve problems together when something happens. As long as you have needs and expectations for him, it'll be tough to make up your mind to leave. You know this better than anyone. If you're not stuck and not in pain, you wouldn't have come to the platform to seek help!

For example, when you encounter a situation where he doesn't reply to messages or take the initiative, you should take the initiative to find topics to share your daily life and the little details of your relationship again and again. You should also be more understanding and tolerant of him. You should know in your heart that even if he doesn't take the initiative or express his feelings, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. It's just a matter of personality differences. You need to mature and be rational in your emotional management. You can't be overly anxious or uneasy. You should do more of the things you like in your spare time to distract yourself, so that you can get along a little more easily. The prerequisite is that you must be sure that he has always loved you very much, otherwise it will be meaningless to do more and more. I hope you can find a suitable way to get along with each other. I wish you all the best!

I really hope my answer helps! Sending you all my love ?

Good morning, host.

My name is letmefly, and I'm here to offer my support and welcome your feedback.

It seems that the host is experiencing a certain degree of distress. On the one hand, it appears that her boyfriend does not seem to care about her, and on the other, she is unable to leave the situation. It is understandable that she might feel anxious, powerless, and confused. I would like to extend my support to the host in this difficult situation.

It seems that your boyfriend may not be very comfortable expressing himself, which is understandable. Not everyone enjoys posting on social media, and that's okay. It seems that the main issue is the communication between you and your boyfriend. I'd love to know more about how you two met and how your relationship has developed. Could you please share more about the communication you've had and when it started?

I believe the original poster is seeking reassurance about her boyfriend's feelings for her. If he still has feelings for her but is struggling to express them, that's a valid concern. However, from the original poster's description, it seems that her boyfriend may not be as invested in the relationship as she would like.

It's also possible that he truly does love you.

It might be helpful to remember that relationships are a matter for two people and require the effort of both. Perhaps the poster could try several methods of communication, such as writing letters, direct communication, or through mutual friends. There are some things that ultimately need to be confirmed.

While it may be challenging, it is important to make a decision. I hope the original poster can set a deadline for herself, just a deadline for making a decision, and within that deadline, decide whether to leave or not. Before that, it might be helpful to try to repair your relationship and communication.

I hope this is helpful, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Please follow and like us if you would like to stay up to date with our latest content.

Hello, question asker!

From your narrative, it's clear that the interaction between the two of you is one-sided. Your boyfriend doesn't give emotional feedback and tends not to give feedback at all, which makes you uncomfortable. There are a few questions you should think about:

Tell me what you can't live without. Nobody wants a one-way relationship, a purely one-sided, self-abusive relationship. That's an unequal relationship in terms of value.

He seems to be unwilling to commit, but the relationship somehow manages to survive. What are you craving or fearing?

2. His lack of participation in your daily life makes you feel like you've lost control and a sense of involvement. His lack of interest in your daily life makes you feel neglected and abandoned.

Tell me, what are the complementary personality traits of you and your boyfriend in the relationship? And if he has narcissistic personality traits, do you have a mentality of giving in to please him?

Tell me, were you deprived of love and close interactions in your childhood?

3. You and your boyfriend need to have serious discussions about your respective lifestyles, ways of expressing yourselves, and expectations of the spiritual dimension of the relationship.

4. Have you experienced similar pain in previous relationships with other people? Tell me about your existing familiar attachment pattern.

You need to ask yourself whether you lack a sense of worth and belonging. Do you get angry when your boyfriend ignores you? Or do you swallow your anger?

In terms of relationship needs, you need to decide whether you prioritize yourself or your boyfriend.

5. Relationship gain refers to whose needs are being met in the relationship. If the needs are not being met, you are identifying the offender as the victim.

He is avoiding his inner fears in a fugitive manner, the fear of intimacy or the kind of passion you crave for intimacy. He will lose something by interacting intimately with you.

6. Don't rush things. You can't change the other person, so start by changing your own attitude and approach to your relationship. Learn to respect boundaries and interact flexibly. When you understand your own personality and behavior patterns better, you will also understand your boyfriend better, and your relationship will change.

If it's beyond your control, stop now and stop the loss.

The above are my personal views, and I encourage you to refer to them as appropriate. I wish you happiness!