Hello, my name is Liu Quanyan, and I'm a psychological counselor and heart exploration coach. I hope you're having a great year and that the new year is treating you well so far!
I totally get where you're coming from. We all have different living habits, and it can be pretty uncomfortable when they're different from those around us. It can lead to a lot of internal and interpersonal conflicts. We can get pretty frustrated, and it can be hard to understand why these things happen. When we were teenagers, it was tough to persuade our parents to change our family's habits, right? I'm not perfect, and my views and suggestions have their limits, but I really hope I can offer you some perspective. You've got this! Be brave and determined to grow up.
1. Opening your mouth to eat, even making slurping sounds, or drooling, is actually a habit, and correcting this habit is not difficult. What is difficult is that everyone's attitude towards this habit is different. Because we hold different attitudes, we will have different psychological positions, which is totally normal!
I can imagine that the first thing that crosses your mind is why no one in the family, big or small, has been persuaded to do the opposite, since the reform costs are not great.
Oh, goodness! This should not have been a confrontation.
It's like a friendly debate!
From your perspective, you're a very perceptive person who's open to other perspectives. Even though you used to eat with your mouth open, when someone close to you told you that this habit wasn't ideal, you were able to make adjustments. You've come to recognize that this is also a form of social etiquette and a way of showing respect for others. You understand the value of developing good habits early on.
And the habits of the people around you are very different from yours. It can be tough when your family's behavior affects your life and makes you feel uncomfortable and difficult.
From your mom's perspective, she's been eating this way for decades, and no one has ever told her to change it. To her, this habit is no big deal. She's happy with her quality of life, her relationships, her work, and her career.
That's why her mom said, "It's no big deal." It's not that she can't change, but she just doesn't feel the need to.
From your brother's perspective, it may seem that the younger the child, the easier it is for them to adjust their habits. But in fact, he doesn't understand why he has to do it, poor thing!
It's also really important to remember that young children are super sensitive to the different attitudes of family authority. He's not going to change his mind about anything, and now that he's an older brother or sister and you're his mum, he'll probably feel really confused about the different views you two have on the same thing.
He's also watching and learning, but he's still young and doesn't fully understand the importance of this. He thinks he should listen to his mom but also have some freedom, and your rules are a little more relaxed than his mom's, which has led to the current situation.
I'm sure we can all agree that the key to this game is...
It can be tough for folks with different views to admit when they're wrong. They might try to prove they're right with words or actions. So, you might find your mom is a bit indifferent, and your brother is acting out more.
It's totally normal to want to change your family members' habits. They're trying to influence you too!
2. You seem like a very mature person, based on your description. I think the key to this matter is that you're feeling some psychological pressure because of it.
It can be a bit uncomfortable when people around you are eating with their mouths open while you're eating with yours open. It's totally normal to have different habits in a family, and it's important to respect each other's boundaries.
Absolutely! Even among family members, it's important to set boundaries. If some family member's habits are affecting your mood when eating, we really hope that they'll be able to see their own discomfort and that you'll be understood and respected.
(1) I think what we're really hoping for when we say we feel uncomfortable is that our family members can offer some cooperation and assistance.
Everyone has their own habits and their own sensitive areas. Some friends get scared when they hear thunder, while others feel physically and mentally uncomfortable when they hear someone slurping at the dinner table. It's totally fine if it's just classmates and colleagues, after all, they're not together every day.
The family should be a place where we feel most relaxed. I truly believe you are not a selfish person. I think you just want to reduce your anxiety.
I think that when you encounter such "resistance," it's probably because you're feeling a little down and frustrated.
(2) You want your brother to change, not just because you find it annoying to listen to, but also because you feel a sense of responsibility as the eldest child.
Think about all the wonderful things you learned from that special person in your life. Think about all the amazing things you learned from them, and think about how important it is to be yourself and to have your own personal habits. When you go to school and start living in society, you'll see that these eating and drinking habits will also influence how people see you.
You understand this, which is why you want your brother to develop good habits too. You don't want to indulge him because you want him to have good habits too! But children can be rebellious.
3. Based on your situation, I would love to make the following suggestions:
(1) I totally get it. I know it can be scary to talk to your mom, but if you're open to trying, you can change the way you communicate with her and then talk to your family. Your mom is a great role model, and if she sees that you're willing to work through this, it might help your brother too.
I have a little suggestion for you. It would be really helpful if you could change the focus of your communication into two parts. The first part is that you feel very anxious about this, which affects your state of mind. At the beginning, you can tell your mother that you understand that this is a trivial matter of living habits. Then, you can explain that you are therefore uncomfortable and you have tried to suppress it, but you are always very nervous.
It's totally understandable that you're feeling confused. It's so great that you're hoping your family can help you. I know you're trying to close your mouth and chew at home as much as possible to relieve your anxiety. When you're communicating, you can be gentle instead of strongly demanding from them.
This will help make it easier to negotiate.
I know it might not work, but you can definitely try!
(2) When chatting with your little brother, it'd be great if you could help him understand why it's not a good idea to do this. He might be a bit rebellious because of all the interruptions and strict supervision, and might even do it on purpose.
Before you do anything, it's a good idea to talk to your parents. It's important to remember that this is not just about you, but also about your younger brother. Even though it's just a small habit, your younger brother will have to interact with different people as he grows up. You could say that you heard it from a teacher or in a class. When you're eating out in the future, you'll also want to be mindful of your manners. Not slurping and not chewing loudly is a simple way to show respect and make a good impression on others. This is something your younger brother can learn too.
It might be a good idea to have a chat with your parents and explain that changing this habit could really help your child. They might then be more open to adjusting their perception.
Then, when you're talking to your brother, you can first try to make him more open to what you have to say. For example, you could buy him some snacks or small gifts to show him you care. Then, when he's feeling calmer and more relaxed, you can gently explain that you didn't mean to be so harsh with him, but that you just want him to do better. Use analogies to talk to him, for example, everyone likes polite children. When you're in class, if you're eating with your classmates, do you eat with a loud voice and open mouth, or do you drool a lot? Things like that.
In addition to punishment (such as reprimands), you can also establish a reward system as a way to cultivate behavior. You can try communicating with your brother. If he does well, is better than before, or is quieter and more polite, you can try praising him and giving him some rewards.
Let him know that this will get him some encouragement, and he'll be so happy!
Remember, you're a teenager. It's normal if things don't go as you'd like. You've done a great job, and you're already amazing. If things are tricky to change right now, just take care of yourself first.
It's totally normal to not always get things right. We all find ourselves in tricky situations sometimes, especially when we're dealing with adults in the family or kids who are younger than us. If mediation doesn't help, it's OK to take care of your own emotional needs.
If you feel aggrieved, you can always talk to someone you trust or a professional teacher. Even if it's just to talk things out, it's better than bottling it up!
You are already an independent person, and it is difficult to change others. It is already very remarkable that you can maintain yourself without being changed. If they continue to eat like this, you can silently tell yourself, "I want to eat my own food well," and try to focus your attention on your own food. Try not to look at their actions as much as possible, and when you feel uncomfortable, try to take a deep breath on your own initiative. You've got this!
If you still can't change your brother, don't worry! You can also try to reduce the probability of being irritated. For example, when your brother is snacking, you can distract yourself by going to your room to listen to some music or read a book.
We all want to change sometimes, but it's not always easy. It can be really painful when we can't. It's also important to remember that everyone is different. One way to build resilience is to try to focus on ourselves, without letting other people's actions affect us.
You have your own wonderful life!
I just wanted to let you know that in the future, you will also have your own world.
That's all I've got to say on the matter.
Please, don't hesitate to talk to me, ask questions, and analyze and assess the situation through the channels of confiding and exploring the heart. I'm here for you and I sincerely wish you well.
Comments
This situation sounds really frustrating. I can totally understand how it makes you feel. It's hard when family habits bother you this much, especially when attempts to change them don't work out.
It seems like a communication issue more than anything else. Maybe everyone needs to sit down and talk about mutual respect in the household.
I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. Have you considered speaking with your parents again, maybe asking them to help set some ground rules for meal times? Sometimes it takes a team effort.
Your frustration is palpable. Perhaps finding a moment when he's not eating to have a calm conversation could be more effective. Let him know how it affects you without putting him on the spot.
It must be tough living with this daily. If talking hasn't worked, perhaps leading by example and hoping he follows over time might be a gentler approach. Also, try to find moments to bond over other activities that don't involve eating.