My father is addicted to alcohol and cigarettes. When he is slightly drunk, he speaks negatively. How do I handle my relationship with my father?

Hello, questioner!

From your description, I can totally relate to your sadness and hurt from being scolded by your father, and your father's anger towards your mother being bullied by the matriarch. Your father has never praised you, and you should have been sad and hurt all these years. But guess what? You can change that! Give your father a hug from afar.

Your father has some issues with your mother and you. I think this is also related to the fact that your father never took care of the family. He was indifferent to your mother's father and would lose his temper if your mother made any demands. He is disrespectful to your mother and you and is self-centered.

I think your father and your mother should have had a lot of conflicts, but I can't judge what the conflict is. However, I can feel that your father never asked about your mother, and he was very male chauvinist. Perhaps your mother once told your father that she needed his care, but he thought he was the superior role and would not pay attention to or care about the two of you.

Or perhaps your mother often talks to your father about her feelings and needs, which could make him feel like you and your mother are trying to rebel against him. There might even be problems like feminism. Overall, it feels like your father is an incompetent father who doesn't respect you or your mother. In fact, he also has a very serious disrespect for women's ideas, so things like your talk of divorce have violated his anger mechanism.

No matter what, he is still your father. And that means you have the opportunity to learn from him and grow together! Your father also has his own system of beliefs, which is male chauvinism. We cannot change it, but we can choose to live our lives in a way that honors our own beliefs and values. If you cannot get along harmoniously, it is okay to leave. The key is to communicate well with your mother, understand what the conflict is and what she is thinking, and find the root cause of the problem. Only then will there be a way out.

I really hope this helps!

Hello!

It's hard to give advice on your dad in just 400 words. I hope I can help you see more possibilities when you're disappointed or angry with him.

Love her, but don't defend her.

You talk about your father a lot, but it's clear you love your mother. When your father ignores her, you get angry and argue with him.

"Do you care about our family, or do you want a divorce?" You say I'm being extreme, but I think you were speaking your mind. You love your mother and want to protect her. You feel her sacrifices are not worthwhile. You are her daughter, not her spokesperson or savior.

It's hard to choose between two parents.

When parents divorce, children often have to choose between their mother and father. If the parents don't get along, the child may have to make this choice early on.

This is too much for children, especially those who are not yet adults. It is hard for kids to show loyalty to one parent when they love the other. Kids need to feel connected to both parents. When they have to choose between them, it can make them feel confused and sad.

Sometimes, children can still have the love of both their father and mother after their parents separate.

Communication is key to rebuilding a relationship.

Your father treated you badly. When he was drunk, he said he hated you. When he argued with you, he swore at you and hardly ever praised you. This was violence. It must have made you sad.

You said this was normal after your father drank. What was he like when he wasn't drunk?

Was there a good time when you and your father got along? Would it be easier to talk to him now, or would a letter be better?

I hope the questioner can accept his parents, take care of himself, and live his life.

Everyone has the power to be a beacon, whether they're asking questions or answering them. Through words, they can shine a light in the hearts of others, and this is our shared energy.

Hello, I'm Fei Yun, your heart coach. I can see you're hurting. Your father's behavior has caused you to experience so much pain. It's so unfair that you've had to endure his negative emotions, accusations, complaints, and even insults because of his drunken behavior.

As a girl, you didn't get the love and respect you deserved from your father. You feel hurt and resentful towards him, and you feel sorry for and hurt by your mother too.

Let's have a warm hug first, and then we'll take a look at the problems that trouble you. I'm here for you, and I'm going to help you through this.

1. The influence of your family of origin and your parents' marriage on you

Everyone is deeply affected by the magnetic field of the family. After all, the family is made up of each family member, and the strength comes from the interaction between each other.

Your family situation was really tough. Your dad didn't care much for your mom and was pretty quick to complain and get angry. Your mom was sweet but also a bit helpless and innocent. All of this really affected you, and you often felt down and argued with your dad.

Marriage and spousal relationships are originally matters that belong to the parents themselves. This is their life's work, and they must complete it. As a member of the family, you are inadvertently involved in their "power struggle."

Your father showed hatred towards your mother, and you became a victim along with him. Your mother confided in you, and you were so sweet and innocent, so easily influenced by her. You developed prejudice and extreme emotions towards your father.

None of this was your business, sweetheart. It's because you've been so caught up in your parents' lives that you've become involved in family relationships and your parents' marriage. It's hard to get out of that, but you can do it!

It's so sad when dads hate their mums. It's like they don't know why! Intimacy is all about being able to show your feelings and needs to the person you love without fear. If this isn't there, it can mean there are problems in the marriage.

My dear, it's best to stay out of it. Try not to judge either party, and don't be biased. Let them work it out together. Regardless of age, whether child or parent, growth is a lifelong process.

Let's take a look at the father's behavior and needs together, shall we?

There's always a right way and a wrong way to act, but it's so important to remember that what's behind the behavior is what matters most.

When your father is drunk, he will always have negative emotions, and he will blame, complain, and abuse you. This kind of behavior does damage to his image as a father, which is really sad. However, by observing his behavior, you can understand his deeper motives. For example, he wants to get his needs met from your mother and from the marriage (to be seen, respected, understood, approved of, etc.).

It's so important to remember that behind every emotion is an unmet need. His hatred for your mother is something that can only be resolved between the two of them. If emotions aren't effectively released, they can attack the self. For example, your father often gets drunk, "borrowing wine to ease sorrow only to make it worse." In the long run, his health will naturally suffer.

For example, when he yells at you, he is expressing his negative emotions. In short, anger, irritability, and hatred are emotions that, when transformed into aggressive behavior, hurt both the person doing the hurting and the person being hurt. It's so sad to see your father's marriage on the verge of breaking up, just like your family relationship.

3. For you, achieving issue separation means learning to accept your parents' imperfections, which is something we all have to do at one point or another!

Parents are parents, but they're also only human. Just like your father, he may not know how to express himself, love, control his emotions, or get his needs met.

Like the mother, she's not quite sure how to handle her marriage, how to communicate effectively with her partner, or how to use the marriage to provide better protection for her children.

It's not entirely their fault, sweetheart. We all behave according to our perception, and our perception determines our behavior. With you, the only thing to do is accept. Don't try to change.

I don't know if you're married now, but it would be really helpful to use your parents as a mirror to reflect on your relationship as a couple and your respective growth as individuals, and draw on that in your marriage and partnership.

"If Fatherly Love Is Absent" is a great read if you're looking to understand the significant impact fathers have on their daughters' lives. It also offers helpful tips on achieving reconciliation with your father and re-evaluating him from the perspective of a stranger. Another book I'd suggest is "Beyond the Original Family." It's a fascinating read that helps you identify the positive and negative patterns your original family has influenced you. It's a great way to gain insight and start writing your own life story. I hope you find these books as helpful as I did!

I really hope these suggestions are helpful for you. And I just want to say that I love you, and I love the world too! ??

If you'd like to keep chatting, just click 'Find a coach' in the top right or bottom of the page. I'd love to keep talking with you one-on-one!

Hello, questioner! I'm Jiang 61.

Thank you for trusting us and being willing to tell us about your family situation. We can help you.

You are facing parental conflicts. You want to intervene but you can't, and you are often blamed by your father. Your character is developing in the direction of your father's, and you don't want to do the things he does. I can already sense this from your words, and I am here to help.

You have had a hard time, bearing the burden of humiliation, living in such a family for so many years. I hug you from afar and soothe your wounded heart.

After reading your account, I can also see other causes of conflict in your family. I will analyze them, and I am confident that you will find this helpful in understanding your parents and the causes of family conflicts. You will also learn how to get along with your father.

1. Get to know your father.

1. I know why your father gets drunk.

You mentioned your father, and I'm certain that he has always loved smoking and drinking and is addicted to them. When he gets a little drunk, he will undoubtedly say negative things, such as "I hate me (female) and I hate my mother."

Your father hates you and your mother because

Your father is not a person who expresses his inner feelings easily. When he encounters a strong person like your mother, he has thoughts and grievances, but in the face of her strength, he holds them back. With nowhere to vent his emotions, he lets them all out with the help of alcohol.

There's a saying that drinking alcohol helps you forget your sorrows. It gives you the courage to do things you'd otherwise be afraid of.

This is about people like Dad.

2. Dad's inner feelings

Dad says he hates you and Mom, but he only hates Mom's strength, which makes him feel like a man with no dignity. That's just a feeling when he's depressed or blowing off steam. He doesn't really feel that way.

Whenever you and Dad bring up the topic of divorce, you say, "After hearing this, Dad flew into a rage, pointed his finger straight at my nose, and questioned me about my intentions, whether I was encouraging my mother's feminist ideas, whether I regarded him as an enemy, and whether I was stupid. He said it was strange that he didn't know about my mother's affairs, that he was not afraid of getting a divorce, that he could let go of everything, that I hoped to see my parents fall out and get a divorce, that I was the black sheep of the family who had never respected him, that it was him who looked down on me, that I had been poisoned by the internet, and he flew into a rage and scolded me for ten minutes.

From what you have described, it is clear how your father feels.

1) Dad has absolutely no intention of getting a divorce and is strongly opposed to it.

2) By accusing his wife of being a feminist, he is making it clear that he feels he has no status in the family.

3) Even if divorced, he is not afraid (actually sarcastic).

4) He's made it clear that you and your mother have never respected him.

3. Dad's demands

The father desires power, status, and respect in the family. His mother rarely gave him these things, which has led to a great deal of resentment.

4. The influence of the original family

Dad's inability to express himself well is likely due to the living conditions in his original family. It's clear that, apart from verbal abuse, he was denied the chance to fully express himself, which led to his tendency to be verbally abusive and to hide his emotions.

2. Get to know your mother.

Once she understood her father's voice and demands, she was able to see her mother's image emerge.

1. Mom is a feminist.

This is the norm in parent-child interactions. Mum is unaware of it, and it deeply hurts Dad's self-esteem.

Mom has a kind and hardworking side.

You said, "My mother was also confused and asked me questions. She did everything for the family, so why was she resented? She was a good person, so why did my father say he hated her?"

Your description is unmistakable. Mom's strength has been perceived by dad, and he resents her strength, which has deprived him of his dignity and status.

My mother has contributed to the family with her kindness and hard work, and my father has experienced this too. This is the real reason why my father refuses to get a divorce.

Your father is more than happy to be bullied and argue with you rather than get a divorce.

3. You're wrong.

1. Your feelings about the family are not your parents' feelings.

You said, "I feel confused and painful about this kind of family. I can't remember how many times I've argued with my father at home. Some trivial matters seem to have touched his sore spot and made him fly into a rage."

You feel the discord in the family, confusion, and pain, but these are just your feelings. You can't see that they are used to this pattern of interaction. Otherwise, they wouldn't have argued for so many years and never discussed divorce. When you touch his bottom line—meaning there is no mother—he will fly into a rage.

2. Dad is concerned about mom's affairs.

You complain, "My mother's affairs are ignored. When I mention her, he says he doesn't know. Recently, I said, 'It's been almost half a month. You don't know what happened to my mother. Do you care about our family or not? Do you want a divorce or not?'"

Mom's feminism has made Dad feel at ease, and he trusts that she can manage her own affairs without his interference. This is the living space and boundary they have formed over the years, and it works for them.

4. Dad needs to give him what he wants.

1. Respect your father.

Dad said, "He has never respected him."

This is how Dad feels when interacting with you. If you want to have a good interaction with Dad, you must first learn to respect each other.

You respected your father and said, "Dad, both Mom and I understand how hard it has been for you over the years. We have tolerated the fact that we have not respected your character for so many years. Thank you for your tolerance and generosity. Whatever you want us to do, just tell us what you feel comfortable with, and we will do it.

If you had said this to your father, he would have felt understood and accepted. There's no way he would have lost his temper and spoken harshly. When the time came, he would have been unable to find the words to swear.

2. You misinterpreted what Dad was saying.

When Dad expressed his feelings, you reacted as if he thought highly of me, saying that I had been poisoned by the internet. In response, he angrily scolded me for ten minutes.

You mentioned the word "divorce," which, in his opinion, was a taboo word. You mentioned it so easily, and in order to express your anger, he resorted to swearing and blasphemy because he's not good at expressing himself in words.

3. What should you do?

You said, "I've never heard my father praise me since I was young, and I don't know what to do."

I am certain that Dad is not unreasonable. There will be sunny times in your interactions, and not just gloomy times. Think back. When was that? Was it when he was happy?

Choose the right opportunity to praise Dad first for being capable, and then for keeping the family together. Start with compliments like these, and Dad will feel embarrassed. Then ask him to say something about your good points.

You will be happier if you interact like this and find each other's good points.

I hope these thoughts I've shared are helpful. They're based on what I read in your description of your mood.

I wish you all the best!

Greetings, esteemed child.

I have carefully reviewed your inquiry and empathize with the pain and helplessness you have expressed.

Furthermore, I can empathize with the challenges you faced growing up in such a family environment.

I would be pleased to assist you in this process and hope that it will prove both comforting and inspiring.

1. Identify the emotions expressed by your father and learn to distinguish them from your own.

As a child, you were susceptible to your father's negative discourse, which was a consequence of his substance abuse and tendency to ramble on about negative topics when under the influence of alcohol.

I am unaware of your age.

You have a strong aversion to your father's actions and behaviors.

Have you ever considered the underlying causes of your intense emotional responses?

It is evident that the father's actions were inadequate. However, the primary reason for these feelings is the expectation of paternal figures and the underlying unmet needs within the individual.

For example, it is not uncommon for individuals to expect their fathers to express positive sentiments towards them, rather than negative ones.

It is an inescapable consequence of being confronted with negative words that an emotional response will ensue.

It is therefore an expected and typical response for an individual to engage in conflict with their father.

Such a reaction, however, can sometimes be even more painful, as if one were caught in a kind of cycle.

It is therefore of the utmost importance to be conscious of one's emotions while simultaneously considering one's inner needs.

When we are able to decelerate and refrain from precipitating an altercation, the situation may undergo a transformation.

Furthermore, recognizing one's own needs enables a period of reflection and observation regarding the needs of one's father.

For example, it would be beneficial to consider whether he desires respect and care from you and your mother.

One might inquire as to whether he desires to be respected, cared for, and understood.

The content of arguments between father and daughter can be seen as a manifestation of a fundamental human need for love and understanding.

It is important to take the time to ascertain the underlying sentiments that are being conveyed through the arguments.

At this juncture, it becomes evident that one should refrain from being unduly influenced by one's father's emotional state.

For example, when an individual makes a statement indicating hatred towards another person after consuming alcohol, it does not necessarily signify that they harbor genuine hatred towards that person. Rather, it may be indicative of underlying needs that the individual is typically reluctant to express.

One might inquire as to whether he would prefer to be respected.

Does he desire proximity and intimacy?

Alternatively, could it be that he harbors a secret desire to have a son?

His negative expressions are more indicative of his underlying needs, but it is often perceived as more straightforward to internalize criticism.

It is advisable to attend to one's emotional state before engaging in a dispute; doing so is not a prerequisite for resolution.

It would be beneficial to respond in a more measured manner.

It is important to learn to discern the underlying meaning behind the words that are spoken.

2. It is advisable to maintain a certain degree of emotional distance from one's parents' problems.

The family triangle theory posits that each family unit can be conceptualized as a circular diagram, representing a closed system.

The optimal familial configuration is as follows:

The family triangle theory posits that a healthy family unit is one in which the parents love each other, the children love both parents, and the parents love the children together.

From this vantage point, it is possible to discern the nature of the relationship between the three parties in this familial configuration.

The primary focus within the familial structure is the relationship between a husband and a wife.

This is about the relationship between your parents.

It is also important for children to learn to maintain a certain degree of emotional distance from their parents' relationship.

Regardless of one's age, it is not necessary to become involved in the conflicts between parents.

"My mother was once perplexed and inquired as to why my father harbored animosity towards her. She had provided unwavering support to the family unit, yet he exhibited a profound disdain towards her. This is not a concern that should be attributed to you, and she must confront this issue independently.

This does not imply a lack of filial piety; however, as a child, the more engaged one is in parental disputes, the greater the likelihood of destabilizing the family dynamic.

"Do you care about our family or not? Do you want a divorce or not?" When such statements are made, the father may perceive them as accusations and rejections.

It is also important to consider that the individual in question is in an emotional state.

It is imperative that children learn to refrain from interjecting themselves into their parents' disputes.

It is permissible to make suggestions, but it is not appropriate to speak on their behalf.

In a family relationship, the parents and children represent the three vertices of a triangle, with equal emotional distance and the same angle between them. This relationship is analogous to a pyramid, which is the most balanced and stable, and is conducive to the healthy growth of the child's body and mind.

3. The initial step is to implement personal change.

The aforementioned issues are, in fact, the result of inadequate communication with our fathers.

The objective is to alter the relationship with one's father, not by modifying the father or his treatment of the child, but by modifying oneself.

The process of self-change entails modifying one's own reaction patterns.

This is the fundamental issue.

It is important to be able to distinguish between issues that are the father's problem and those that are the child's own problem.

In the process of interaction, one can discern which elements belong to oneself and which belong to others, while simultaneously maintaining one's independence and autonomy while coordinating reason and emotion.

This necessitates a degree of practice.

To illustrate, if your father is displeased with your assertion, it is incumbent upon him to address the issue.

Furthermore, the discrepancy between our expectations and the reality of interacting with a father like that represents a significant challenge that we must address.

Please take as much time as you require, dear child.

This is referred to as subject-object separation in psychological literature.

In conclusion, the onus is on the troubled individual to take responsibility.

This is the extent of the information I am willing to divulge.

Should you be interested, you may wish to peruse the text entitled "Family Dance."

These insights allow for incremental change. There is no necessity to demand immediate and total transformation. Instead, one should simply observe the unspoken inner needs of one's partner when the urge to argue arises.

One should trust oneself to find a solution that is satisfactory.

I wish you the best of success!

Dear question asker,

After reading your question, I empathize with your situation. It must be challenging to endure verbal abuse and accusations from your father.

Furthermore, the subject reports a sense of disconnection from his father, noting a lack of praise since childhood. It is important to acknowledge these feelings and provide a supportive response. It is not uncommon for children to crave parental affection and a harmonious family environment.

However, in your case, these longings may be regrets, and they may well be an accurate reflection of reality. The most constructive response would be to accept this reality and consider how we might respond in a way that would improve our emotional state.

Let us first examine the subject of the father's behavior and emotions. Based on the provided description, it appears that the father's emotional state is significantly influenced by alcohol consumption. When he is inebriated, he tends to voice complaints about his family and engage in criticism of others.

The Chinese adage "drunkenness reveals the truth" offers a compelling insight into the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. When an individual is under the influence of alcohol, they tend to exhibit a greater degree of relaxation and often reveal truths that may not be readily apparent in their sober state. This raises an important question: What are the underlying reasons for the animosity that your father harbors towards his wife and daughter? It is plausible that there is a reason that he is not comfortable sharing with others and that he has been suppressing it for an extended period. Alternatively, it could be a repressed emotion that has been a part of his life for an extended duration.

It is unclear how the father interacts with other female family members and female acquaintances in society. If he also has a strained relationship with other women, it is often attributed to his upbringing. He may project his dissatisfaction with other women onto you and your mother, as you are the individuals he is most familiar with. He is aware that expressing his negative sentiments towards you and your mother will not pose any danger to you, and he is also accustomed to releasing pent-up emotions on you.

As the questioner describes, your father stated that you "encourage my mother's feminist thinking and say that I regard him as an enemy." This indicates that your father is seeking your support, not your questioning and accusations. If this is the case, the above-mentioned hatred of you and your mother may be a result of his feelings of loneliness and suppression within the family unit.

From the aforementioned description, it is evident that the questioner was compelled by his mother to divulge the underlying reasons behind her father's animosity. It is unclear at what age the questioner is, but it is undoubtedly challenging for an individual to find themselves situated between their parents, privy to their verbal altercations and accusations.

It is advisable to allow parents to resolve their own conflicts independently, as this is an essential aspect of their personal growth.

Despite the distress experienced by children in such circumstances, it is ultimately the responsibility of the two parties involved to resolve the issue.

What is the appropriate course of action in such a situation?

1. During childhood, children are able to express their genuine emotions and requests to their parents. For instance, a child might say, "Mom, why don't you ask Dad yourself what's going on between you?"

"What transpired?" "Father, I observed your demeanor to be sorrowful when you disregarded your wife."

It is my hope that you will demonstrate a greater degree of care and consideration for your mother and me in the future.

2. It is understandable that a child may experience feelings of anxiety and helplessness when confronted with conflicts between their parents. However, from a developmental perspective, children are not in a position to provide assistance in such situations. The traditional family structure posits parents as the primary decision-makers and children as dependents, and it is not within a child's power to assume the responsibilities and growth opportunities that should be experienced by their parents. In cases where parents are unable or unwilling to engage in constructive dialogue, it may be beneficial to seek the assistance of a local institution offering family therapy or a neighborhood committee capable of facilitating mediation.

3. When children are confronted with arguments or heated exchanges between their parents, they often feel most helpless. The individual in question can leave a message to express their distress and seek guidance. This is an important step in addressing their own needs and those of their family. There are numerous individuals on this platform who can provide support and guidance.

It is my hope that this reply will prove useful to the original poster.

Hello, thank you for your question. I did a great deal of reading on the subject.

After reading your question, I can empathize with your situation. Many of us believe that home is a source of happiness and our ultimate goal.

However, if the family dynamic is less than ideal or if the family treats us poorly, the resulting pain is also significant. It's possible that you've been experiencing this for many years.

I hope I can offer you some encouragement and affirmation. I believe that as long as you work hard, strive to find your own happiness, try to escape the influence of your family of origin, and live the life you want,

I truly believe that you will be happy in the end.

Words like these from your father, whether he is angry or you have done something wrong, are not ideal. They stem from his temperament and character.

I'm sure you've heard of the term perception. Perhaps it would be helpful to think of it as simply that.

It may come across as somewhat self-centered. It could even seem as if no one is good to him, only himself, or that he only loves himself, as long as he is doing well, everyone else doesn't matter.

It is possible that the person in the relationship with your father may experience great pain because they give unconditionally but receive no feedback. However, this is not your fault.

Listening to your father speak in this way on a daily basis can also have a negative effect on your emotional wellbeing. It may therefore be helpful to consider whether your family provides you with the sense of security and happiness you deserve.

Perhaps it's time to consider whether we're ready to work and leave the family home to live independently.

If you are still a student, this may be more challenging, as you may not have a clear path forward.

It might be helpful to talk less to your father, study hard, and try to get into a good university and get away from your original environment. If you work,

Perhaps it would be beneficial to consider moving out and working for yourself, allowing you to live your own life.

It is possible that, if they have the opportunity, they may start a family of their own. In any case, it will be necessary for us to establish our own lives outside of the original family.

It may be helpful to consider ways of gradually creating physical and mental distance from the original family. One approach could be to move out and live independently, while still maintaining a supportive financial relationship through alimony payments.

If there is an opportunity to improve the relationship, it would be beneficial to do so gradually. However, if it is evident that the relationship is no longer compatible, it would be best to fulfill our obligations. Spiritual independence entails recognizing that the original family is a separate entity.

We now have the opportunity to live our own lives and make our own decisions. Before we can fully detach ourselves from our original family, it would be beneficial to achieve a certain degree of financial independence.

It would be beneficial to apply yourself in school, strive to gain admission to a reputable university, and then seek gainful employment. If you are gainfully employed, it would be advantageous to rent a place to live independently. It is not uncommon for parents to be reluctant to change their ways, particularly in the presence of their children.

Many parents feel that I am your parent, and no matter what you do, you will always be my child. It can be challenging to navigate this relationship, and some parents may appear a little reckless. China is also a very traditional country. As long as you have children, I believe that if there is anything wrong with your children, it may indicate that they are not fully meeting the expectations of traditional Chinese morals, and they may be facing some form of moral pressure.

In China, we are expected to support our parents and be respectful towards them. However, some of the things our parents do can seem excessive. They often use filial piety as a way to restrict our actions, while they themselves have more freedom and limitations.

It can be challenging to change your parents, so it might be helpful to consider making changes within yourself. When we are in a state of suffering, we often find ways to adapt and evolve.

Perhaps a more effective way to escape from pain would be to stay away from the source of pain.

It may be helpful to consider limiting your exposure to environments and people who cause you pain. With time, you may find happiness in your own way.

I imagine you have experienced a great deal. It would be wonderful for you to start your own family and find someone different from your father.

Perhaps it would be beneficial to consider ways of modifying the influence your original family has had on you and seeking out a more supportive family environment.

Thank you for your question. I hope you find the answer you're looking for. I wish you well and hope you can find happiness.