My father is very controlling and we can't communicate. What should I do?

Hello?

From your written account, it is evident that your father has a strong inclination to exert control. However, you have already completed your university education and have formed your own opinions. Your father has not effectively "detached" himself from you. It is important to recognise that we are all born as independent individuals and that we do not live for our parents, but for ourselves.

You have indicated that your father is highly controlling and employs a repressive approach to education. This parenting style has the potential to negatively impact a child's self-esteem, leading to feelings of internal negativity, insecurity, and inferiority. Constant rejection can also impede confidence development. Attempts to control a child may, in fact, result in a loss of control for the parent, creating a vicious cycle.

Your father may not be supportive of your desire for independence. You are striving to be your authentic self, but your father is not allowing it and is pushing you to align with his expectations. Your father is unable to accept the prospect of being separated from you. As you are nearing the completion of your college education, you will be embarking on your own independent journey, which will likely intensify your father's concerns and fears related to the potential loss of control.

In Chinese families, many people actually approve of this kind of repressive education. It is likely that their elders also used this kind of education, and they may therefore subconsciously believe that this kind of parenting method is healthy.

It is essential for the questioner to establish a clear "spiritual boundary" with their parents.

It is probable that your father is accustomed to the traditional parenting style. In his perspective, you are still the child he raised, and he believes you should continue to heed his guidance.

However, this kind of parenting style, which relies on control through a perceived sense of love, is likely to be resented by the questioner.

Based on the background information, the questioner can immediately indicate a desire to distance themselves from their parents' control. However, when we cannot control ourselves, the more we seek to exert control over others or circumstances. For instance, as the questioner matures, their parents may perceive a growing loss of control over them, leading to feelings of fear. Consequently, they may attempt to exert greater control over the questioner to offset this psychological state.

In such an instance, the questioner may wish to discuss the matter with their parents.

The most effective way to communicate is to discuss the matter from your father's point of view. It is important to avoid violent communication, as it can evoke negative emotions such as anger, anxiety, and depression. Prolonged exposure to violent communication from parents can have a detrimental impact on children's personality and character development.

The father in question exhibits a tendency to stifle the questioner's individuality, discourage independence, and exert control through the guise of love. This dynamic is characterized by a lack of acceptance regarding the questioner's autonomy. As the questioner asserts their independence, the father tends to intensify his actions, driven by a fear of losing control. This underscores the underlying challenge of navigating a relationship where one party seeks to maintain control over the other.

As an adult, you have the capacity to think for yourself. There is no reason to allow your father to control your life. First, you need to protect your own mental boundaries and not be influenced by your father's negative comments.

You have the option to refute your father's statements, which will diminish his influence. Additionally, you can leverage this opportunity to gain insight into your own character. We are, after all, the most knowledgeable about ourselves. The key is to establish a clear mental boundary with your father and to recognize your independence.

From the evidence presented, it can be reasonably assumed that your father is experiencing internal conflict. It is possible that he may still treat you in a childish manner, indicating a conflict between maintaining control and relinquishing it.

Your father has developed a tendency to exhibit "separation anxiety." Those who seek control often fear the independence of the individual being controlled. Independence ultimately represents the end of the control relationship.

The initial step in effecting change is to gain an accurate understanding of and respect for your own feelings. To illustrate, when your father scolds you, tells you you're wrong, or says you're good at nothing, you should conduct a logical analysis to determine whether these statements truly imply that you are not good at anything and are not outstanding in this area.

It is not accurate to say that everyone is without flaws. We all have our own strengths and weaknesses. However, in this case, it seems that the father in question is suppressing his daughter in order to prevent her from leaving him. This suggests that he is not concerned with her strengths and advantages.

It is important to develop self-confidence, even in the face of external pressures. One can distinguish between genuine shortcomings and those that are deliberately overlooked by others to maintain control.

Subsequently, you can mentally refute your father's assertions, affirm your individuality, and prioritize self-development. Establishing your own independent personal space can mitigate the influence of your father on you. In cases of extreme abuse, such as physical harm, it may be necessary to temporarily avoid contact with your father.

Best regards,

To whom it may concern

I am Kelly Shui, a professional who specializes in the field of emotional intelligence.

It is evident from your statements that you perceive your father to have exerted a controlling influence over you, particularly in relation to your education.

Despite the fact that your father was a strong figure and your mother was unable to comprehend your needs, you have forged an independent path in life, as evidenced by your enrollment in college.

Furthermore, your graduation from college signifies your capacity to assume responsibility for your own actions.

Adler posited that individuals who are happy spend their entire lives working to overcome the effects of their childhood experiences, whereas those who are less fortunate dedicate their lives to the process of healing from the wounds of their past.

Despite the desire of fathers to provide love and assistance, and the inclination of parents to arrange their children's lives, the fundamental aspiration of individuals is to live their own lives, free from the constraints of parental control.

[Parents' Life]

Lindsay Gibson, the author of A Life Without Parental Control, has spent over three decades conducting research and developing solutions to the challenges posed by emotionally immature parents to their adult children.

In this publication, the author posits that individuals who were raised in dysfunctional families and who remain immature as parents often exhibit a range of immature behaviors in parenting. These behaviors include emotional instability, control of their children's lives, avoidance of responsibilities, and rejection and alienation of their children.

For example, the subject's father displays a lack of emotional control, exhibits anger, speaks harshly, and forcefully imposes his own ideas upon the subject. Additionally, he demonstrates a lack of active listening skills and exhibits a high level of control over the subject.

It is also possible that your father was instructed by his own grandparents to adopt this approach when he was a child, and that he then used it with you when you became his child.

For example, a mother may choose to "obey" her father for the sake of maintaining familial harmony, which also indicates that their marriage is highly functional.

[Learning to Set Boundaries]

Upon reaching adulthood, it becomes imperative to develop the capacity to express and recognize one's emotions and needs within the familial context.

In the absence of appropriate boundaries within the family unit, individuals may become susceptible to the influence of those who exhibit emotional immaturity.

Parents may still be attempting to dictate and control their children's emotional needs, disparage their personal lives, and restrict their autonomy.

One might then inquire whether it is possible to learn to establish boundaries.

One might inquire whether it is possible to ascertain the meaning of one's life.

The question thus arises as to whether parents can exert control over their children for the duration of their lives.

One must inquire as to who is responsible for one's life. Have you learned to set boundaries and become independent since you became an adult?

It is advisable to seek alternative sources of support. One may, for instance, cultivate one's own social circle, pursue interests that align with one's personal values, and maintain emotional distance from one's parents. It is important to recognize that their emotions are their own and that one has the autonomy to refuse being influenced by them.

I would like to suggest the following books for your consideration: Be Myself, Self-Boundaries, and The Courage to Be Disliked.

The question thus arises as to how one might escape a life of restrictions and lack of self.

1. Reflect on the process by which you became independent during your college years and articulate your current goals and plans.

2. It is imperative to refuse any attempts at manipulation by your father and to express gratitude for the financial support he provides.

Furthermore, it is imperative to explicitly convey to your father that you are opposed to his psychological oppression.

3: It is important to recognize that your previous tolerance and acceptance of your father's behavior has now reached its limit. This raises the question: What can you do today to prevent your father from further worsening the situation?

4. In the event that one's parents exhibit immaturity, it is possible to mature oneself and influence them through learning.

5. One may seek the assistance of a professional counselor.

Additionally, there are five strategies that can be employed to more effectively navigate interactions with immature parents and safeguard against their emotional manipulation and distorted beliefs.

(1) Renounce the role of "savior." (The business of parents is their own.)

(2) It is advisable to be tactful and to avoid confrontation. Joking with one's parents can help to relax the family atmosphere.

(3) Guide the interaction. As previously stated, your maturation can facilitate your parents' maturation as well.

Additionally, one can employ a kind smile and a sympathetic nod, express gratitude to one's father for raising them, discuss his positive attributes, and develop the ability to observe their parents. It is beneficial to utter statements such as, "Perhaps there is some truth to that, Mother and Father. I must strive to do my best," when the atmosphere is particularly strained.

This may prompt your parents to reconsider their perspective and engage in introspection.

(4) It is important to create space for oneself. This can be achieved by developing independence and forging one's own social connections.

(5) Interrupt the behavior. When your father is controlling you, articulate your feelings, inform him of your maturation, and indicate your discomfort with this conduct.

6: Express your love for your parents, offer them praise, and demonstrate to them the changes you have undergone. This will help you to feel respected and recognized within the family unit.

For example, one might posit the following to encourage the other person to exchange ideas: "Some people disagree with that. They would say... What is your opinion on that?"

Your father will continue to engage in monologues, focusing on himself. However, you can recognize the opportunity to enhance and invigorate family discourse by taking the initiative to contribute to the conversation, rather than passively absorbing the discourse of others. This is also a form of growth.

The aforementioned suggestions are intended as a point of reference.

I wish you the utmost success.

I extend my affection to the world and to you.

Hello, question asker!

From your description, I can see that you are angry and feel helpless, but you are also able to face these feelings head-on, recognize them in yourself, and actively and bravely seek a breakthrough.

You describe how your father's repressive upbringing made you feel very uncomfortable and very strong. You wanted to turn to your mother for help, but she told you to obey your father. You are grateful to your father for his financial support, but you dislike his mental repression. You have always endured it, but it has only gotten worse, leaving you feeling especially secretive and helpless. Is that correct?

After reading your description, I feel very sorry for you because my mother is very similar to your father. I'll give you a warm hug.

The damage done to us by our original families is irreversible. As the famous psychologist Adler famously said, "The lucky ones are healed by their childhood, the unfortunate ones heal their childhood."

You did the right thing by coming here to talk about it and find a solution. You were already on the path to change when you became aware of it.

Parents are often influenced by their own family of origin. There's no changing them. The only way to influence them is by changing ourselves. Now that we've grown up, we can protect ourselves.

If a miracle happened and your uncomfortable feelings disappeared, your life situation would be completely transformed. You would have taken action to make the miracle happen.

After the miracle happens, you will be different from what you are now.

Based on your description, I have some suggestions for you. I am confident they will help.

First, you must learn to establish a sense of boundaries.

First of all, parents are the people we love most. However, they control us and hurt us in the name of love, which is very detrimental to our growth. At this time, we must clearly establish a sense of boundaries and maintain a certain distance from them. We only need to do our best and be filial to them in the future. There is no need to live according to their rhythm because your father's suppression and your mother's indifference have caused you harm. At this time, you can directly tell them your principles and bottom lines, and you can choose not to love the answers and not to interfere.

And learn to love yourself.

Your father's suppression has caused you a lot of harm and made you less confident. It's time to love yourself and hug yourself. Learn to love yourself first, no matter who you're with. Only when we love ourselves can we love and be loved. If we don't love ourselves, how can we ask others to love us? This includes our parents. If we don't adopt a firm attitude and stop blindly obeying them, they will continue to suppress us. Learn to love yourself and make yourself strong!

Second, find positive experiences and adjust yourself.

The oppression of our fathers is like the hypnosis of some fathers, making us feel very powerless. We must find positive experiences, adjust ourselves in time, and get rid of this spell. We can use positive mental suggestion meditation exercises to find those things that make us happy through our own experiences, and the feeling of pleasure in doing those things. This will help us adjust our state of mind in time, and we will become more and more powerful to change. If we also increase our motivation,

Next, find hobbies to improve yourself.

You know that your father's words have made you feel powerless. It's time to take back control. Improve yourself through your interests and hobbies. Become strong. When we become strong, we can have a say, and we can also distance ourselves from our fathers. This kind of mental torture from being hit will hurt us less. When we improve ourselves and become strong, our father's words will be insignificant and will not hurt us.

Seek help from a professional counselor.

In life, confusion is inevitable. When we're unable to extricate ourselves, we can seek help from professional counselors. They use professional techniques to delve deep into the roots of our subconscious, pick out our perceptions, and provide a safe environment that helps us grow with strength.

I want to tell you something important: it's okay. When you become aware, it means you have gained some insight. Just coming here is the beginning of change. At this time, we need to adjust ourselves, establish a sense of boundaries, and improve ourselves. We can also seek professional help. One thing is for sure: as long as you don't give up, you will definitely get better and better.