My friend was incredibly polite, and I didn't even know how to respond. What are your thoughts?

Hello, I'm happy to answer your question.

From what you've said, I get the feeling you feel helpless and powerless, like no matter what you do or say, you'll still be rejected.

☞ Communication styles

As we all know, interpersonal communication is essential for human interaction. In general, communication styles can be divided into six main types: the pleasing type, the interrupting type, the ultra-rational type, the blaming type, and the consistent type.

Let's start with the first type: the pleasing type.

It's often seen as a good thing to be liked, and people tend to accept it. But there is a downside to being too accommodating.

On the one hand, they feel unimportant; on the other, they feel like a victim. Their approach to human interaction and conflict management is to do whatever it takes to keep the other person happy.

Type 2: Accusatory

Blame is the opposite of appeasement. They're constantly disturbing, accusing others, and the environment to protect themselves. Blame-oriented people often experience anger, frustration, dissatisfaction, and distrust of their surroundings. At the same time, they're vulnerable and lonely inside, but they're just unwilling to admit it.

The third type is the hyperrational type.

People who are hyperrational usually act in the following ways: they're bossy, inflexible, cold, and always like to give others advice, which makes those around them feel that they're impersonal and boring. People who are hyperrational isolate their feelings, so they often feel lonely and isolated.

Type 4: Interruptive

People who interrupt often avoid the important issues and prefer to tell jokes, change the subject, or speak inadequately. They don't like facing conflicts or emotions. So, others may think they're happy, but they're actually lonely and feel like they don't fit in.

☞What to do: If you want to help your friend improve this part of their behavior and habits, you can:

It's always best to be consistent in your communication, as it ensures that your verbal and non-verbal messages are aligned.

From what the questioner said, it seems like your friend is someone who likes to communicate in a way that makes others feel good about them. As long as you can help others, praise them, and make them happy, it seems like communication is going well and others like you.

On the other hand, the questioner also said that he is this type of person too. So, if you don't like this part of your friend's feelings, are you also thinking about yourself?

What can you do?

Making deep-rooted changes to the ingratiating type requires a complete overhaul of self-perception and a sense of security, which is easier said than done. If you want to help your friend improve this part of their behavior and habits, you can:

1. Make sure you and your friend agree in advance who's going to pay for the meal.

2. Have some fun with her. The idea is that you're the person she trusts the most. Start with something simple and small, like ordering food or buying trinkets. Then, say no to her ideas until she can handle your rejection without feeling guilty or self-blame.

The above represents only my personal opinions, and I hope you'll find them helpful and inspiring.

Thanks!

Hello!

Two people become friends when they share the same outlook on life and are similar in personality. From your description, it seems you are together because you are too similar.

The other person is used to paying, which is why they offered to pay. They may have offered to pay to avoid feeling guilty or to please you.

If you belittle yourself and praise the other person, it shows you're insecure and trying to make them happy. Your friend is more proactive and flatters them actively, while you're probably passive.

When a friend takes the initiative, you accept it.

People who please others want to be recognized and cared for. They lack self-confidence or fear conflict, so they try to please others to gain recognition and care.

If the other person is happy, they won't make things difficult for you. It's in your interest to please them.

How should you respond?

(1) Praise the other person for specific things they do well.

Empty praise is just flattery. When we praise someone for specific things, they can appreciate our sincerity.

This is the only way to boost someone's self-confidence.

Tell them, "If you think there's something good about me, I'm happy. But why belittle yourself? Are you worried about us?"

We're still good friends who care about and help each other. Saying this shows the other person that your relationship is reliable and trustworthy.

(2) Set limits

Even though you're good friends, you should still be clear about money. You can agree on paying for things together.

(3) Know yourself

Knowing yourself helps you handle criticism.

These suggestions are just a reference.

I hope they help you. Best wishes!

Hello, I'm a heart coach. I'll listen to you with warmth and sincerity.

You understand and care about others' feelings. You feel uncomfortable being overly polite with a friend with low self-esteem.

I see your kindness and compassion.

Let me explain human "natural temperament."

Temperament is the innate character tendencies that humans are born with. It is like gender: four siblings may have the same education and environment, but they can be very different.

There are five types of temperament: sanguine, melancholic, choleric, phlegmatic, and sanguinary. Everyone has all five to varying degrees, and the most dominant is our ruling temperament.

A person's character is shaped by their natural temperament and upbringing.

If you give and achieve for others, you have a compliant personality. Your high school classmates lower themselves and praise others. These patterns are inherent and related to life environment, growth experience, education, and parenting style.

Knowing our natural temperament helps us understand how it affects relationships with our parents, our careers, and our spouses.

Today, we'll focus on the natural temperament of the giving type.

Dedication-oriented people are gentle and kind. They care about others and are happy to serve.

He needs to be thanked for his service and sacrifices.

People who give want to be needed. Saying "thank you" is not enough. You have to say "I need you" to make them feel valuable.

Dedication-oriented children also want to be seen and heard. We often pay more attention to the naughty one and ignore the quiet and obedient one. If dedication-oriented children are not valued, they will become very emotional and conflict with their parents.

Dedication types are not valued and are prone to mental illness. They are sensitive and prone to jealousy.

They are humble, not confident, and try to make you feel important by serving you. The selfless person says "no" when they really mean "yes," but they are too afraid to express it. By doing a lot for you, they hope you can repay them.

Once you understand this, you can use your strengths and work with dedicated people.

Let's look at how low self-worth is formed.

Boost your confidence and feel good about yourself.

Pleasing others doesn't mean giving up on yourself. Respect yourself to gain respect from others.

Self-confidence is the foundation of self-esteem. A person who is used to pleasing others lacks self-confidence.

True self-confidence means having confidence in yourself and your future. You don't doubt yourself because of what others say.

Self-worth is how you evaluate yourself.

People with a strong sense of self-worth want to improve themselves and do good.

People with low self-esteem care a lot about what others think. This makes it hard for them to get along with others. They often get in the way of marriage and business partnerships. This can lead to missed opportunities, bad relationships, and ruined lives.

A low sense of self-worth is often caused by criticism, rejection, and blame from important others (mostly parents) when you were young.

People with high self-worth feel secure.

Self-worth is the cornerstone of mental health.

For more information on enhancing self-worth, please see my article on the root cause of psychological problems.

Start with simple things like giving yourself positive feedback, affirmations, praise, and acceptance.

I hope this helps you and the world. I love you.

To continue the conversation, click "Find a coach" in the top right or bottom. I will communicate and grow with you one-on-one.

Hello, questioner! My name is Zhang Xiyuan, and I'm an intern listener on the Yixinli platform.

Your question took me back to my high school days, the rainy season of '97. At that time, my heart was like the summer sky, clear, bright, and hot, and sometimes it would pour with rain.

Every day, we spent time with our classmates, studying together during class, walking home together after school, eating together on the way, playing together during breaks, and helping each other with our studies. These were the main activities of our high school lives. It was also then that our lifelong friendship began to be built and set sail!

It sounds like this friend you mentioned might be the start of something great! You can talk to each other and are willing to spend time together, but there are a few things about being together that make you feel a little uncomfortable.

This is totally normal! When two independent people get close, there's bound to be a bit of a clash of energies and personalities.

So, we say that everything has a process of getting used to.

True friends can weather any storm, no matter what life throws at them. As long as you're sincere, friendly, and attracted to each other, you've got a great foundation to build a beautiful friendship on!

As we get to know each other better, we'll naturally start to trust each other more. And who pays the bill will become a non-issue! We'll also find ourselves complimenting each other or joking around, and we'll all feel happy, interested, secure, and warm.

I'm also a giving person. When we meet people of the same type and become friends, it's so lovely! We get to spend time together and get to know each other, and we end up liking each other more and more. We get along so comfortably and happily!

I just want to wish you the very best of luck in life! I really hope you find a friendship that will last a lifetime and bring you so much happiness.

Greetings,

The host begins by introducing themselves and providing context for their involvement in the situation.

My name is Zeng Chen, and I am a heart coach. I have carefully read the post, and I empathize with the complex emotions that you are experiencing.

Additionally, it is noteworthy that the original poster has exhibited courage in articulating his distress and proactively seeking assistance on the platform. This will undoubtedly facilitate a deeper comprehension of his friends and an optimal approach to communication.

Subsequently, I will present my observations and thoughts in the aforementioned post, which may assist the original poster in adopting a more nuanced perspective of themselves.

1. Individuals are more likely to perceive problems from their own perspective.

In the aforementioned post, the original poster indicated that your personality is somewhat flattering. She is consistently pleased to praise you. You do not object to her praise, but you have observed that she will "belittle herself" to elevate you, which is an unwelcome phenomenon. Based on your assessment, she is also a commendable individual with numerous admirable qualities.

I am disinclined to approve of her self-presentation, which includes statements such as "I took a lot of good-looking photos of her" and "she is ugly."

After perusing this information, I am inclined to accompany the original poster in her pursuit of understanding why her friends do not reciprocate her compliments, instead offering self-deprecating remarks.

From a psychological perspective, external behavior can be seen as an external manifestation of internal processes. Therefore, it is possible to infer the existence of an internal logic behind the actions of your friend.

The objective of this discussion is to consider the following:

It is perplexing why an individual would reject another's praise. It can be postulated that subjectively, she does not believe these things to be true.

It is possible that her past experiences have led her to believe that she lacks positive qualities and that she is not attractive. These experiences have shaped her fixed understanding of herself. Consequently, when you praise her and she perceives it as incongruent with her self-image,

It is therefore probable that she does not accept this assessment, as people are inclined to view matters from their own perspective.

It is more straightforward for individuals to be persuaded by their own perspectives. This is a fundamental aspect of human nature.

It is important to note that the praise in question was not unreasonable. However, subjectively, the individual in question may not fully align with the praise, leading to a lack of confidence.

2. One possible approach would be to attempt to express one's feelings.

As observed in the aforementioned post, the host indicated a lack of understanding regarding the appropriate response to this particular classmate. It is understandable that the host might be uncertain about how to proceed in such a situation.

This situation may present a challenge for you. Therefore, we will now examine how we might respond to her.

It is recommended that the original poster attempt to express their feelings. Linking their feelings to the situation at hand and attempting to express them to a friend may prove beneficial.

I posit that this will facilitate a more nuanced understanding of one's authentic self. It is recommended that one allow the other party to gain insight into one's genuine thoughts and sentiments.

At this juncture, she may also express her feelings and thoughts. This should facilitate a deeper mutual understanding.

Furthermore, the act of expressing one's thoughts and feelings provides an opportunity for friends to gain insight into one another's perspectives and experiences. It also allows for the expression of how certain actions may affect one's emotions. When a friend also expresses their thoughts and feelings, it can facilitate the identification of potential areas of conflict and the development of strategies for navigating them in a mutually agreeable manner.

It is therefore recommended that you express your feelings, listen to her, and then discuss a comfortable way of getting along together. This may result in a new experience for your relationship.

It is my hope that these suggestions will prove beneficial and inspiring to you.

Hello, question asker.

I am currently an intern at Yixinli, where I have the privilege of serving as a listener.

From what you've shared, it seems that two girls of a similar age and worldview, despite their differences, have the potential to become good friends. However, it's understandable that your friend's politeness and compliments might have left you a bit uncertain.

It appears that she may be attempting to elevate others by "belittling herself." This could be indicative of the "pleasing personality type."

Could I just check with you about the "pleasing personality type"?

This type of personality refers to a personality that may be perceived as blindly pleasing others while ignoring their own feelings. It is a potentially unhealthy behavior pattern, rather than a personality disorder. (From Baidu Baike)

Their characteristics include a tendency to be particularly sensitive, to pay attention to the feelings of others, and to ignore their own feelings. They may belittle themselves in an effort to elevate others, and they often find it challenging to make requests of others or to refuse them. In severe cases, they may even lose sight of their principles and boundaries.

For many people in this category, it can feel as if they are living in someone else's sunshine, and they may be reluctant to embrace their own unique qualities. They may also be fearful of losing things, which can lead them to prioritize maintaining relationships over pursuing their own needs.

It would be fair to say that this type of person is not an isolated case, and there are many such people nowadays. There is a possibility that this may be related to the original family, or it may have been caused by something in the past.

It would be beneficial to consider the following insights from psychology:

From a psychological perspective, it seems that this type of person may have difficulty seeing the real self, one's desires, and one's needs.

If you would like to change this situation, we could perhaps try to enhance her sense of self-worth. When a person's sense of self-worth is high, she will feel that she is needed, worthy of love and respect, and will no longer need to always please others.

How might we help her to change?

We can help her gain a sense of self-worth by supporting her in knowing and accepting herself, dealing rationally with her "flaws," and recognizing her positive qualities.

Perhaps the best way to see the real self is to accept that self unconditionally, accepting both the good and the bad. This may be the only way to truly see one's own value.

There is a saying that I find particularly insightful: "We are not here to please others, but to be true to ourselves."

Our whole life is not about trying to be a green leaf in someone else's life, but rather about being the rose in our own life. It's possible that the people who come and go in our lives are simply passing through.

And perhaps pleasing her is just adding flowers to someone else's already gorgeous life. It might be the case that if you meet someone who doesn't know how to cherish, the relationship may not last.

As her friend, I wonder what I can do to help.

It might be helpful to gently remind her next time she's being self-critical that she has many good qualities.

You might consider telling her the next time she offers to pay, "You don't have to offer to pay every time; we can take turns."

You might consider telling her, "I really like you and I treasure our friendship. I hope you don't feel you need to try to please me. Regardless of who you are, I hope you know that it won't change our friendship."

Let's cheer on the OP from afar!

Now, let me tell you about the questioner!

My high school classmate is a girl who always wants to pay the bill. She's polite to me and happy to praise me. She'll even "belittle herself" to raise me up! For example, if I take a lot of good-looking photos of her, she'll say that I took the good ones and that she is ugly. I also want to convey compliments to her!

I'm excited to hear everyone's opinions!

I'd absolutely love to hear everyone's opinions!

A message to the original poster!

Each of us treats relationships differently, and it's a beautiful thing! The other person uses ways to please you by belittling themselves and praising you, perhaps carrying some unknown pain in their heart, which they are unwilling to show you.

As friends, we have the amazing opportunity to communicate with each other in an equal, supportive, and respectful manner. While it can be challenging when the other person always does more and is better than you, it's also a chance to learn and grow.

You know what you should do? You should tell him directly that our relationship is that of close friends, and that you hope to communicate openly with him. Don't maintain your relationship with these superficial things! This time you pay, then next time I'll pay, and you're not allowed to compete with me.

We can choose not to respond in the same way to each other, and we can focus on the positive things we have to offer and also identify where we can improve. This way, we can evaluate each other more objectively and help each other grow. This is what friends should do!

I truly hope your friendship lasts forever!