My friends have too many demands, I'm tired, are we destined to never play together?

Good morning, my name is Qu Huidong, a psychological counselor who uses visual aids to convey information.

It is challenging to provide care for others when you are experiencing low energy levels. Consider self-care as a way to replenish your resources.

When faced with the necessity of making a payment, it may be beneficial to inquire of oneself, "Who instructed me to do this?"

You may be inclined to respond, "Of course it's them?"

Is that truly the case? To what extent do you believe that to be accurate?

When individuals in our immediate circle begin to make requests of us,

Consider the following question: "Who made me do it?"

You may find that, in addition to the external pressure, there is an internal tendency to comply.

It is understandable that it may be challenging to teach this agreeable aspect of our personalities to decline requests promptly. One effective approach is to try this simple technique:

Replace "I have to..." with "I choose to..."

This will allow you to regain control of the situation.

I choose to be cordial to you, not because I'm afraid of you or losing you, but because I want to be more valuable, I want to be seen, I want to...

I can also choose not to do those things because I have to take care of my feelings, because I'm currently experiencing fatigue, or because of other factors.

The above is an example of rewriting, which you may adapt to suit your own particular circumstances.

Please be aware that you always have the right to choose.

Hello! I can see your dilemma, and I'm here to help. Your friends have a lot of emotional needs, which can make you feel tired and irritated. It's understandable that you feel overwhelmed, but I'm here to support you.

I see that you say that your friends have very strong emotional needs, but they all get along well when they start playing together, which is great! I think the reason you can play together is because you have similarities and common topics, and you all lack love and want attention, which is something you can work on.

However, you haven't yet set appropriate boundaries in your relationship, and gradually a dependency has formed. Your friends want to always get your attention, and now that you are in love, you have love, and you need to allocate your energy to it! But your friends feel that their intimacy with you is being taken away, so they will feel jealous. Another male friend is also just as dependent on you, which is great because it means you have great friends who care about you!

Then I saw you say that you also hope that others will care about and pay attention to you. Have you noticed that the friends in your eyes have the same needs as you? You and your friends are both lacking in love, but they rely heavily on you and hope to receive your respect and attention even more.

Our earliest respect and attention come from our parents. If we lack respect and attention when we are young, we can easily overcome this by seeking it out in relationships. We can become independent and confident by learning to set boundaries and communicate our needs.

I want to tell you something really important! Each of us only needs to be responsible for our own emotions and have our own boundaries for getting along. I highly recommend you read a book called "Self-Boundaries," a book recommended by the Australian Psychological Association. It talks very deeply about boundary issues. Reading this book will help you deal with how to maintain a distance from others and the principles of interaction in relationships.

I really think you should express your feelings, whether it's to your female friends or male friends. If you feel tired and overwhelmed, you absolutely have to tell them! I know you are kind, and you are worried that rejection and accusations will hurt your friends, so you are so troubled.

You can express your feelings and your needs, for example, "I really want to help you, but I'm also tired. I also want to get love and attention. I feel that you are too dependent on me, and this is not good for you. I am in love now and need to allocate my energy to my love. So I can only play with you when I have energy, but I still want to be good friends with you."

You'll be amazed at how much better your relationship will be when you express your feelings and needs reasonably. Your friend will understand your needs and you'll both be happier. I'm sure you'll get rid of your troubles soon. Good luck!

It is important to recognise that other people constantly signal their needs to us, whether that be attention, reassurance, or simply a listening ear. As a general rule, we are willing to give our friends such care and help within our abilities. However, when the needs of others continue to grow, we may find ourselves unable to bear the responsibility and may not know how to express this sense of powerlessness. This state of mind can be analysed from the following aspects.

It is not feasible to accommodate the situation when your needs are not met.

When others signal their needs, it can elicit a range of emotional responses, including feelings of anxiety. Conversely, there are instances when we require care and support. Many of us have experienced the pain of unmet needs. When others signal their needs, if we fail to meet those needs, we may perceive that the other person will also suffer that kind of unmet pain. Many of us have experienced that pain deeply. If we cause the other person to suffer because we did not meet their needs, we may feel like sinners.

Although it may seem implausible, this response process should be occurring automatically at an unconscious level.

It is not possible to face the way others look when rejecting them.

When you determine that you are unable to meet the other person's needs, you are faced with the consequences of rejection. Do you anticipate that the other person will experience significant difficulties if they are rejected, or do you believe that they will be unable to cope and suffer adverse consequences? Sometimes, it is important to remember that you are not infallible and that you have limitations.

Furthermore, others will not be at a loss for ways to proceed as a result of your refusal to meet their needs. In fact, they will likely find alternative solutions and resources after being rejected by you.

It is not your responsibility to meet the needs of others.

There will always be many people relying on you and needing you. Perhaps you will unconsciously take other people's needs as your own, and you will feel compelled to take responsibility for this. When interacting with colleagues, this will become the pattern of getting along. However, it is not that we are not responsible for other people's lives. Other people's needs are just their needs, not our responsibility.

Greetings.

Pat your shoulder. You are currently experiencing stress. Are your shoulders tense at this moment? It is recommended that you learn to pay attention to your emotions, give them your attention, keep breathing, slowly relax the parts of your body that you feel are under stress, and when the anxiety subsides, address the issues at hand. At this moment, you will feel more energetic and in a better state to deal with problems.

1. An analysis of conflicts with friends:

My friend has a plethora of emotional needs. Initially, we had a strong rapport; however, her incessant demands soon became a source of contention. She desired my undivided attention, yet I was in a committed relationship, so I redirected my focus to my partner. This led to her becoming visibly disgruntled and adopting a haughty demeanor, which I found highly irksome. I was rapidly reaching my limit. On one occasion when we were out, she proceeded to voice her displeasure about various matters. In summary, her presence was decidedly unpleasant.

I have previously experienced similar situations. Initially, I felt fear, which prompted me to disengage from the situation. However, due to my lack of insight into the underlying causes of these issues, similar challenges resurfaced in subsequent relationships. Through a more profound understanding of myself, I came to recognize that I was partially responsible for these problems. In relationships, I tend to prioritize the other person's needs over my own, which can lead friends to rely on me subconsciously. When this sense of dependence intensifies, it can actually affect my personal space, or boundaries. This can result in feelings of violation, disrespect, and misunderstanding, and even a sense of being suffocated. By consciously maintaining boundaries, expressing genuine thoughts, and continuously adapting and adjusting, we can rebuild the resilience and health of our friendships.

2. An analysis of the conflicts with one's romantic partner:

Additionally, I have a male friend who has a pronounced emotional need. He frequently expects me to be attuned to his inner feelings and to provide him with comfort. This is a significant drain on my emotional resources. I was not happy in my own family, so I lack the capacity to unilaterally support other people's emotions. I am fatigued by this dynamic and wary of individuals who unilaterally demand emotional support. I am not at ease with this situation and, when we are on good terms, I seek to disengage. I hope that the relationship can provide me with care and support rather than demanding these things from me. I do not feel confident in my ability to care for others effectively, and I am lacking in love, so I am likely to have difficulty maintaining a positive relationship with this type of friend.

In a romantic relationship, there is a type of CP that is more attractive to both parties who lack love. They come together because they both long for love. The intensity of this energy is very strong, making it easier for them to be attracted to each other. However, when they really come together, they will discover that they are both very unloved people. Their inner energy is not sufficient to give to each other, leading to the emergence of conflicts. These conflicts manifest as accusations, complaints, and sensitivity and suspicion. This is an emotional problem caused by people who do not have enough love in their hearts. It is challenging to solve this problem in a positive and rational way. This approach often fails to provide the support, understanding, and tolerance that should be given.

3. Ultimately, are "I" and they both unsuitable?

Affirmative. Both parties are driven by a desire for attention and care. If neither individual in a relationship is aware of the negative impact their words and actions have on the relationship, the relationship is likely to be unsustainable. Both parties must consciously develop themselves and provide the other person with greater tolerance and support. Regardless of whether the relationship is romantic or platonic, although the energy is initially weak, consciously growing oneself and stimulating one's inner energy will gradually eliminate inner insecurity, enhance the value placed on the relationship, and facilitate the development of a healthy and harmonious relationship.

I would like to extend my best wishes and wishes for success to you.

Dear poster, I am Xing Ying, a national level 3 psychological counselor.

Your words make it clear that your friend is exhausting for you.

I am not afraid to say that I am scared of people who demand affection unilaterally. I feel uncomfortable, and when we are together, I want to escape.

It's so hard, and it makes me feel bad just watching it. I want to ask you directly: what is it about this relationship that makes you want to escape but stay?

When I'm in a relationship, I focus on my partner. She gets upset and puts on airs, which is really annoying.

Your friend's approach disregards your feelings and treats your efforts towards her as a kind of "obligation."

Tell me, how did you respond? When she displays behaviors that make you "disgusted," do you directly express your feelings and tell her, "I have my own things to do, and your demands are unreasonable"?

Tell me, what are your concerns?

Another male friend also has a strong emotional need, and he expects me to pay attention to his inner feelings and comfort him. It's exhausting!

Do you make it clear to the other person that his hopes are more likely to be fulfilled with you?

Has this situation gradually become the norm, as you have time and again shown him that you can meet his demands? If you keep appeasing him and he keeps getting disappointed, he'll stop expecting anything from you.

Why do you keep compromising to please him?

From your description, I can infer that

You keep giving in to these relationships, even when you feel tired and disgusted, and you keep giving until you are so tired you want to escape.

You are not bad at taking care of people. You are just too good at it.

I deserve a relationship where I can be taken care of and cared for, not one where I have to give. I am not good at taking care of people, and I am lacking in love.

The kind of relationship you want is what everyone secretly desires. We all want to be cared for and taken care of. Relationships are always two-way, and no one can remain comfortable in a one-way relationship.

You satisfy your friends' needs constantly, but you're not getting what you want in return.

You have labeled yourself as someone who is not very good at taking care of others, and you think your unhappy family is the reason why.

From the way your friends and you get along, it's clear you're too accommodating to others and forget to take care of yourself.

You can't simply refuse a relationship you don't like to your friends according to your own wishes. You always compromise so you don't make your friends feel bad.

You are perfectly capable of caring for others. In fact, you're extremely good at it.

The pain of the original family is real.

I didn't have a happy family either, so I don't have the capacity to provide others with one-sided emotional support. It's exhausting.

I can tell you've been through a lot. It's clear you've tried to maintain the relationship by restraining many of your normal needs. It's likely your parents were too strict or ignored you, leaving you feeling unloved.

As children, our parents were our significant others. To get their attention and love, every child develops a coping mechanism, such as patience, pleasing, and obedience. This forms the interpersonal relationship model we have when we grow up.

This is just my judgment, but I think it's safe to say that your pattern of getting along with friends is probably similar to how you got along with your parents.

[Repair the shortcomings brought about by the original family]

An unhappy family may not have given you enough love and attention, but that doesn't mean you don't have the ability to love. In fact, it makes you more able to understand the pain of those who lack love.

Be careful not to overcompensate and neglect yourself. That will attract people who want to take advantage of you!

If you feel lonely because your family wasn't able to give you enough warmth and love, then you need to give yourself some love. Start by refusing to let people and things make you feel uncomfortable, and start by bravely expressing your needs.

Tell them, "I also need to be cared for, and I need to set aside time for myself to do the things I like."

Tell them, "I need to take care of my own mood first."

Tell them, "People are responsible for their own feelings. My willingness to take care of you is a matter of affection, not obligation."

Do not be fooled: constant giving and patience will only fuel the desires of those who take!

Put your own feelings first. Don't be afraid to say no. Speak your mind and express your feelings and needs. Let those who are willing to love and care for you come to your side. Become good friends with those who are worthy of your love. You are worthy of love. The world is blessed to have you. I love you!

Have you perhaps reached a point where you're feeling a bit tired of the relationship and are looking for a way out?

If the relationship is comfortable, it may be beneficial to continue investing in it and allowing it to nourish you.

If you're not feeling well, it might be helpful to spend less time together or none at all. This could help you avoid being taken advantage of.

There are many ways to escape, and cutting off contact or breaking up with someone is relatively clean and quick. However, there is also the possibility that you may not be able to do it yourself or that you will miss an opportunity to grow through a challenge. With this in mind, I thought of a way to approach the situation: How do I go from being strangers to becoming familiar with this kind of friend? What is it about them that attracts me, and what is it about them that makes me want to escape or even break up with them?

From the beginning of the relationship, was he/she the one making all the demands? If so, I wonder if I should consider ending the relationship, as I'm finding it difficult to maintain.

If not, could it be that in this relationship, I have somehow "contributed" in a way that makes them feel more and more secure in unilaterally demanding from you?

You mentioned that you like relationships where you are paid attention to and cared for. Could I ask whether this is similar to the kind of care you don't want to spend time with, where you want to escape? Or is it a mature friendship where you clearly understand that friendship is a reciprocal relationship, where I talk about my troubles and you listen and comfort me, and where the other person talks about their happiness and I can share and appreciate it?

I recall someone suggesting that our desires may sometimes originate from within. Our actions may reflect a longing for care, but there may be underlying needs that have yet to be acknowledged. In seeking a friend who can provide a great deal of care, we may be expressing a desire for meticulous care.

I hope these personal views, which came to mind when I saw your question, will be of some use to you as a reference.