My husband is a workaholic. Is it enough for him to just work and keep up appearances at home?

Hello. From what you've said, it seems like you have some negative feelings towards your husband and are wondering whether you should stay married. Before we get into the details, if you're open to it, I'd like to give you a big hug to show you some warmth and support!

You said, "My husband is a workaholic. He only works, and hardly ever eats at home during the year. He comes home after 10 pm every night, and there are no weekends, no May Day, National Day, or Mid-Autumn Festival. In your opinion, after six years of marriage, "apart from the time just after we got married when he would show affection for me, I have hardly felt it since then." You do all the housework, including taking care of the two children. This has really been a very difficult process. You must have sacrificed a lot and shouldered a lot of responsibilities during this process.

Yes, marriage is based on the feelings and common aspirations of two people. The process of running a good marriage is about the shared responsibilities and obligations of the husband and wife. If there's an imbalance, it can affect the development of the marriage in a positive or negative way.

I'm not sure how you and your husband communicate. What methods have you used to let him know your true feelings and expectations of him? Which of these methods have helped you, and which haven't? See if the methods that have helped you can continue to help you in the future.

I get the feeling you have your reasons for thinking about divorce. Losing confidence in a person or a thing is a big issue. It's the most energy-consuming thing and also the biggest stumbling block in a person's life.

So, to avoid this problem, which really requires careful thinking and analysis, I'd recommend finding a counselor to help you sort out your current and future life situation, get your thoughts in order, and find a solution to the problem.

This is just my two cents, for reference only. Take care of yourself.

Hello! As a woman reading your description, I can totally relate to your pain in this marriage that exists in name only and your worries about your child's future. Let me help you sort out the psychology of [the man who seems to be a workaholic but is actually avoiding marriage]. You'll see how important it is to take legal action to protect yourself and your child!

He's avoiding family life!

Guess what? He hardly ever eats dinner at home throughout the year!

Guess what! He doesn't come home until after 10 every night!

Guess what! He's not at home on weekends!

Guess what! He doesn't come home on statutory holidays like May Day, National Day, and Mid-Autumn Festival, which are perfect for family reunions and outings.

He doesn't care about anything at home!

Can you believe it? He has been avoiding family life for six years!

And he'll keep you guessing! He'll make you think he's just a workaholic.

It's time to embrace intimacy as a couple!

Apart from that magical, honeymoon period when you were head over heels, you haven't felt the love in years!

There is very little sex between the couple, and the frequency has dropped from once a month to once a year! It's like a physical compromise out of necessity, which is great because it means you can focus on other things in your life.

This is a classic example of [escaping from spousal intimacy].

Let's avoid the parent-child relationship!

The two children are not close to him, there is a lack of parent-child interaction, the man has not fulfilled his responsibilities as a father, and he avoids parent-child relationships in family life. But there is hope!

You have tried to solve the problem, and now it's time to try something new!

You have communicated with him, but it is useless. He promises to do things a certain way, but then goes back to his old ways. He would rather go out with friends and colleagues for tea and chat than go home to his wife and children. But guess what? You can do something about it!

You want a divorce, and you're ready to start a new chapter! But what about the two children? You've got big plans for them, and you're excited to see where life takes you.

You now feel disgust towards him and want to leave this person and end a marriage that exists in name only. But guess what? You're ready to tackle those practical problems head-on! Child support, accommodation, education, and growth after a divorce—you've got this! And not only one child, but two!

Over the past six years of marriage, you have experienced some challenges in the relationship, particularly in the parent-child dynamic. You have taken the initiative to address these issues, but unfortunately, your partner has not been as responsive as you would have liked. It's clear that this marriage is not working as you hoped, and you've made the wise decision to pursue a divorce. However, the practical matters of child support and education have left you feeling uncertain.

I'm so excited to support you in this! I think the best next steps are to seek legal assistance and also seek help and advice from a lawyer in your field of expertise. Take a deep breath, collect evidence regarding the marriage's existence in name only and the man's failure to fulfill his responsibilities, etc., and clarify your claims, such as child custody, child support, etc. The law is definitely on your side, and the counselors at Yixin will also help you overcome the difficulties along the way. Hugs and cheers!

Hello, it's like seeing a face when reading a letter.

From what you've shared, it seems like it's been quite challenging for you to maintain your own well-being in this isolated marriage.

It appears that the husband is not fully engaged in the situation. He has not yet fulfilled his obligations and responsibilities in the couple's relationship or the parent-child relationship. As parents, you are both responsible for caring for the children, the home, and also for experiencing the frustration of not being understood or seen.

It's understandable that you feel disgusted when you see him. We all have expectations of people, and it's natural to try to be patient and hope that things will change. However, after waiting for so many years, with your children growing up, it's understandable that your expectations have been dashed, and it's become challenging to leave.

Let's see if we can find a way through the chaos together. I can see that you have made a lot of efforts to maintain this marriage. If you are not extremely disappointed, it would be understandable if you felt disgusted and wanted to separate.

I would like to extend an invitation to you to engage in some work that may be repetitive. This does not imply that I do not recognize or cannot imagine the extent of your investment. On the contrary, I perceive that part of your inner struggle is the desire to remain in the marriage.

1⃣▶️I wonder if I might ask you a few questions. Since he's such a workaholic, he must be generating a pretty good profit. Would you say that he helps support the family? Does he spend money on you and the kids?

Perhaps he will give you a small or large share? It's possible that if he is generous with you, he may believe that you should take care of your appearance and he should take care of the money.

A great deal of work is often combined with more interpersonal complexity and coping, which can be quite energy-consuming. It's also worth noting that men and women often find emotional outlets in different ways, such as spending time alone or engaging in social interactions with friends and colleagues.

(This is just my opinion, dear, but I'd love to hear your thoughts.)

2⃣▶️It would be helpful to know whether there are any exceptions to your husband hardly ever eating at home during the year. When and in what situations do these exceptions occur?

I'm sure you have a unique perspective on this. Could you please share what you have done?

(Invite you to recall)

3⃣▶️It might be helpful to consider whether the husband's family has a similar model. Avoiding and isolating emotions could be a way of coping with or avoiding strong feelings.

This may also be a way to gain a deeper understanding of his behavior. It's possible that we unconsciously repeat the patterns of our parents' relationships. Even if you do decide to leave, it would be helpful to know what really happened in order to turn this experience into a lesson for next time.

4⃣▶️I wonder if I might make a bold guess that would need to be carefully verified with you. Could your husband be gay?

It might be helpful to consider whether there are any special circumstances in terms of sex that you haven't yet discussed. From what you've shared, it seems that you don't often talk about your sex life. Would you be open to reflecting on whether your husband has ever been resistant or reluctant in your past married life?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether you are fully committed to this marriage, or if you are doing it half-heartedly.

If there are no special circumstances, that's wonderful. However, if there are special circumstances, such as homosexuality, it's possible that in this marriage, despite your best efforts, you may not receive what you deserve. It's important to consider the situation carefully and decide when it's time to move on.

If it is a physical problem, it would be best to face it frankly and communicate with your loved one carefully and sincerely. After all, he is the one who is hurt and needs your support more.

(The above is also based on various assumptions and would benefit from further verification.)

It can be challenging to balance a family and be a good wife. It often requires a great deal of wisdom and self-reflection. While seeing what you have and what you may lack in the future can help you make a more informed decision, it can still be difficult.

This is a matter of prudence, and it would be wise to proceed with caution. I'm sending you hugs because I know it's not easy.

Good day. I extend my support and understanding to you from a distance with a warm embrace.

It is important to recognize the feelings of frustration, anger, helplessness, and powerlessness that can arise when you feel that your needs are not being met in the marriage.

Despite the lengthy period of neglect and lack of consideration and love in your marriage, your decision to seek assistance demonstrates a continued attachment to the relationship and a desire to maintain your family through your own efforts, with the hope that your husband will change.

From your description, it appears that you have attempted to express your needs on numerous occasions but have not received the desired response or satisfaction. This may be due to the fact that when you express your needs, you are immediately flooded with negative emotions, such as grievances and anger. This can lead your husband to perceive your needs as a form of criticism or rejection, which may trigger an instinctive defense mechanism. As a result, he may be unable to respond or satisfy your needs in the way you desire.

One possible approach is to alter the manner in which you express your needs. This entails attempting to sincerely and courageously convey your genuine feelings and requirements in the moment, without evaluating his words or actions. This allows him to feel accepted, understood, and respected, which in turn encourages him to lower his internal defenses and respond to and satisfy your needs. What are your thoughts on this approach?

It is important to note that individuals who are work-obsessed often have underlying fears and insecurities. They often define their inner value based on their professional achievements. Therefore, when faced with a work-obsessed individual, it is crucial to provide them with sufficient acceptance and understanding. This can help them feel at ease and allow them to be true to themselves.

My name is Lily, and I am the Q&A Museum's resident expert on all things audio. I extend my warmest regards to you and the entire world.