My husband isPUA-ing me, yet he can't bear to part with the baby, I'm in a dilemma, what should I do?

Hello.

You and your partner are together, but you're torturing each other. You're wasting your life and energy. Your husband is controlling you. You're not growing or being nourished in this relationship or family. Life is torture and consumption for you.

You can't let go of your baby. I don't know how old your baby is, but you don't want your baby to suffer. This is why you're keeping your family together.

Your husband is a soldier, so you and your child are following him. Are you living together as military dependents, or are you living apart? Or are you in the same city and can still see each other often?

You also mentioned mental control and mutual harm. I don't understand the situation, so let me tell you about the child today!

You said you're afraid of your child suffering. Do you think you can't take care of them alone? Or are you afraid letting them grow up in a single-parent family will harm them?

Do you think it would be unfair to your child if you had to face a stepfather or stepmother in the future? Or do you think you would have no relatives or resources to support yourself if you really had to separate? Or are you simply unsure about whether or not to continue this relationship? You are confused about the future and unsure what to do. You will use this aspect of your child's situation as an excuse to continue to be disappointed and concerned.

Think about yourself. Reflect on your feelings. Then think about the relationship and what it means for the child.

If you have to separate, what impact will that have on the child? What are the child's needs?

Has the child been well cared for while your marriage is still going on? The child needs love and support, not a form of marital integrity.

Sometimes adults think about this. We need a good marriage, at least from the outside. I want to look like I have a happy family so I can show my child what a family should be. But what a child really needs is their own parents who love them.

Hello, dear questioner!

Hi, I'm Yi Ming, your heart exploration coach.

You have a good sense of it. You feel that your husband is mentally PUA towards you, and you don't want to hurt each other anymore, but you don't want to give up your baby.

I'd be delighted to go through this with you, and I really hope it will be comforting and inspiring for you.

1. Take some time to understand your own patterns of interaction with your partner.

It's so important to remember that how we start a relationship and how we interact with others doesn't depend on what kind of person he is.

It all depends on what we think he's like, sweetheart.

This is related to the experiences we have had growing up, sweetie.

Take a moment to think back to when you felt he was being a bit too pushy.

Do you two ever feel good together?

Or is there any evidence that you two love each other?

Take all the time you need to figure things out.

Sometimes, we may feel that the relationship is draining on us, or that we are being a bit of a push-over, when we face our husband's control, criticism, or suppression.

You're aware of this, and you're not just letting your husband get away with it. You're doing something about it! Are you fighting back?

It can feel like you're both torturing each other, can't it?

We might try to think differently, sweetie.

It might help to think about the specific things he does.

Or, you could try to communicate with him calmly.

I'd love to know what you do to take care of yourself, and what he can do to support you and praise you without beating himself up.

It might also be helpful to think about how he was brought up.

I'd love to know if he grew up in a loving environment.

I'd love to know what kind of efforts you're willing to make for your precious little one.

I have to say, I think PUAs who manipulate others are pretty awful and could even be dangerous.

On the other hand, if we don't cooperate with him, we can make sure he doesn't have as much influence.

When we're rejected or blamed, it can be really tough. But we can ask ourselves a few questions to help us through it:

It's always worth asking yourself: does this problem really exist?

I know it can be hard to hear, but I'm here to help. Does the problem that has been pointed out make sense to you?

What can I do to make things better?

I'd love to know where I can find some support and help!

It's important to remember that the person who rejects us is dealing with their own issues.

It's so important to remember that the person who rejects us has their own problems.

I'd love to know if this is just me, or if it's a pattern with everyone!

We can always learn more and reassess how to respond in a way that's best for us.

2. Babies can't get in the way of us making choices!

2. Babies should never get in the way of us making our own choices.

It's so sad when couples stay in a harmful marriage for the sake of their children.

There's now lots of evidence to show that a family in conflict isn't necessarily less harmful to children than a divorced family.

It's so important to remember that not wanting your baby to suffer is something that many mothers consider.

This also shows that you are a responsible and wonderful mother!

At the same time, it might be helpful to take a step back and see if this marriage is really as we think, with no possibility of repair or change.

It's so important to remember that our feelings really do matter in a marriage.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on your husband's attitude.

I'd love to know what he's willing to do for the marriage!

And you know what? We have to ask ourselves: what are we willing to do?

Sometimes, what's right and wrong in a marriage isn't so clear-cut. There's no one-size-fits-all answer.

It's so important to remember that there's more to it than just the fact that our husband is a PUA. We need to think about why he's doing it, what he's trying to achieve, and what unmet needs he has.

It's so important to ask ourselves: what are our unmet needs?

How can you and your partner find your way out of this tricky situation?

I think it would be really helpful for you both to go to marriage counseling.

It can be really helpful to think in multiple dimensions, as it gives us a broader perspective.

And there's more! You can also get in touch with friends more often, participate in other social activities, and expand your circle of contacts.

And see how he is perceived by others!

Building your own support system is a great way to feel completely accepted.

Go ahead, give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done!

Don't ever doubt your own value, sweetheart.

This may be part of the relationship that allows us to grow and learn and become the best versions of ourselves!

In any situation, remember that you always have a choice.

I know it can be tough, but try to grow up in such situations, take responsibility for yourself, and also take responsibility for your baby. You've got this!

Take all the time you need, my friend.

I love you, world! And I love you, too!

We're here for you, my friend!

Hello!

I understand your pain.

Your husband is mentally abusing you. You're hurting each other, but you don't want your marriage to end because it would harm your children.

I don't know what your husband did to you, so I can't judge. Let's talk about your options.

If you're in an unhappy marriage, there are two options:

The first option is to get a divorce.

The second option is to improve the relationship by changing how you interact.

Let's talk about how to respond to these two options.

If you choose to divorce, you need to be brave and deal with the issues of ending the marriage, such as property distribution and child support. Tell me that although their parents are separated, the children's parents still love them most.

The most important thing is to build up your own strength. You can learn from your failed marriage.

Don't lose faith in the future or your self-confidence. A failed marriage is usually not the fault of one person. Attributing the relationship correctly and thinking about your past choices will help you look forward and make the right choices in the future.

If you stay in the marriage, you must make changes to improve it.

In a relationship with a pua, the pua is often mentally and psychologically disadvantaged. But if you make yourself stronger, you can get rid of your disadvantages and change the relationship.

Marriage is often not what we imagined. The two people have different thinking and emotional patterns. If the husband is stronger, it may be because of his upbringing and background. He may not intend to hurt you, but there will be differences.

Marriage is a process that requires constant adjustment. People from different families don't naturally integrate. No one can live in passionate romantic love forever.

When problems arise, don't consider ending the marriage. Invest in the relationship, get to know each other, grow and mature, and change yourself to drive the other party to change. Face each other's worst sides and learn to accept and tolerate each other to make the marriage happy.

If a marriage can't be saved, the children shouldn't be kept in it. A bad marriage is still better than a single-parent family.

To create a good family environment for children to grow up in, parents must learn to manage their emotions, communicate well, and get along.

Hello? Questioner, I can see from your description that you are feeling a little helpless and confused. Perhaps I could give you a warm hug?

1.

"Empathy" is an emotion, but it's important to be aware that incorrect "empathy" can sometimes lead to a self-doubting cycle, which is commonly known as "emotional PAU." His character may have been influenced by his family of origin or his military experience.

I admire your ability to recognize your own emotions and respond to them in a timely manner. It takes great awareness and self-awareness to recognize when you need to make a change.

2.

It would be beneficial for you and your children to consider protecting your emotions as a way of protecting your heart. You may find that expressing your enthusiasm outwardly and focusing on positive energy can help to naturally dispel negative energy in your heart.

3.

I would like to suggest that you read or listen to the book The Empathy Trap. The author offers insights on how to express and control one's emotions in a healthy way. It's important to remember that "refuse" and "no" are both expressions of emotions. While perceiving the emotions of others, it's helpful to maintain your ability to think independently and to not be easily disturbed or swayed by bad emotions. Taking the initiative in social interactions can also be beneficial.

4.

Perhaps it would be helpful to treat him with an ordinary heart and to make more friends.

I would prefer not to be left alone, thinking about things in a negative way. After giving it some thought, I realized that it was that particular person who made you feel embarrassed and in pain, which made you feel bad!

5.

I also worked hard to improve myself. I believe that only when you become better and stronger

I am confident that I can overcome any obstacle. First, there is the technical aspect of your studies.

You might consider using your free time to pursue a certificate in something you enjoy, or even attend night school. It may be helpful to set aside the things that upset you and the people who upset you, and focus on studying and working hard to improve yourself. Prioritizing your future is also a valuable step. Reading books that inspire confidence, and making people more cheerful and smarter, could also be beneficial.

6.

It might be helpful to remember that divorce is different from breaking up when you don't have children. When you have a moment, you might like to consider talking to him calmly about this in a coffee shop or somewhere else. It could be beneficial to use "I" statements to express your feelings and thoughts, and perhaps avoid "you" statements that might be perceived as accusatory and affect communication.

7.

If he truly cares about you, he will consider your feelings and reflect on his own actions. I also experienced depression for a couple of years when our child was young. He often stayed out late at night or came home in the middle of the night, and I was taking care of the child all day long and was feeling overwhelmed. I often shed tears. I told him I was depressed. He said he didn't think I was sick and that I should see a doctor. At that time, he wasn't as invested in the relationship as I had hoped. I had also mentioned divorce before, but after thinking it over, I realized that the cost of divorce was a bit high, so I slowly calmed down.

I feel less suffocated now. Perhaps we could have a constructive conversation to see what he thinks. If we want to make it work, it would be helpful to talk nicely and treat each other with more respect.

I don't mention divorce easily, and although it was a challenging process for me, I want you to know that I am not someone who cannot live without you. Even if it is difficult, as long as the divorce is final, there is no going back! Of course, our getting along together requires some adjustment, and people will mature and improve slowly.

I would like to extend my heartfelt congratulations on your success! It is my sincere hope that my sharing can be of some help and inspiration to you.

A child who grows up in a torturous environment is broken inside, regardless of material satisfaction.

It is wrong to use your child as a bargaining chip in your relationship. The choice to stay together or to separate is not the reason why the child is hurt.

It doesn't matter if you're truly apart or not. What matters is that you help your child grow up normally and never stop loving him. There's no way you'll regret that.

Everyone has their own unique character traits, both good and bad. When you met, your love for each other made you choose each other, but you failed to see the complete you and the complete lover.

The pressure of life and the long time spent together has made you realize each other's shortcomings. This is a natural consequence of a relationship that has been nurtured for a long time. However, there is no better way to deal with it, so the relationship has begun to develop in a bad direction.

You clearly can't bear to part with each other, but neither of you can see yourselves clearly. Love is about giving and restraint. It is because of love that you gain inner satisfaction.

Before you met, he was just the way he was, and you fell in love with him just the way he was. But as the relationship developed, love turned into wanting the other person to change, wanting the other person to become the perfect partner. You set aside true feelings, leaving only worries and pressures that constantly eroded the once-love.

It doesn't matter if you love someone or not, each person is still an individual. We build a fortress for growing together out of love, not to change the other person.

You must ask yourself: what kind of life do you want for yourself, and what kind of effort have you put into it? You need to decide whether it is your family that is forcing you to give up the real you, or whether you have always been swept along by life.

The past is in pieces, the future is unknown, and if you want your children to be protected, you must first take a good look at yourself, your partner, and your family. You have to take control of your life. If you just drift along aimlessly, the past will just keep repeating itself, but there are no second chances in life.

Your future and your child's growth are determined by what kind of person you are, what kind of mother you are, and what kind of love you show.

Emotions are always hard to come by and fleeting. You must decide how you want to deal with a rare relationship. Have a good chat before making a decision. Review the good and bad times. Make a choice about the past. Find a direction for the future.

Good day, my name is Huang Xiaolu.

From your brief description, we have gained the following insights:

1. You are in a marriage that is structured in a way that is similar to a military marriage.

2. You feel that your husband may be pushing you too hard, and you both feel that being together is a challenge.

3. You are concerned that your child may be negatively affected if you were to divorce.

How might you proceed?

We believe you have the ability to practice this specific method, but we understand that you may not yet have seen your own strength or truly seen your own needs.

Perhaps we could begin by looking at what you hope your marriage might be like if you don't divorce.

You might like to try finding a relaxing environment where you can lie quietly and imagine what you are doing, what your husband is doing, and what your baby is doing when all the problems in your marriage have been solved.

Take some time to consider the future and imagine a positive outcome. Record this vision and reflect on how you would act if you reached this situation.

In this situation, it is important to avoid judging and instead simply describe what we see.

If I might offer an example:

Given the circumstances, it's understandable that you're describing the situation as it currently stands. It would be helpful to understand how you, your husband, and your children should deal with the current situation, without using words like "chaos" or "a mess" to describe it.

I believe that, regardless of whether we choose to divorce or not, you would like to make an extra effort for the sake of the marriage. Perhaps it would be helpful for us to first consider our needs in the marriage. What are your needs? Do you need equality? Or perhaps freedom?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether your husband's actions are driven by support or something else. Once you have identified the underlying motivation, it might be beneficial to discuss it with him. It's important to remember that a husband is a soldier, and following orders is part of his role. However, he may not be aware that this is what is expected of him as a soldier, and that subordinates are expected to obey unconditionally. At home, his role is that of a husband and father, someone who needs affection, empathy, support, and discussion.

Perhaps we could consider teaching him and influencing him in a way that would be beneficial for all. How might we go about doing that? What are some ways to influence someone in a relationship? What can still be done now? Which method might be most successful?

Let's discuss the term PUA. We've defined your husband's behavior. Could you please tell me what exactly that behavior is, and how you respond to your husband's PUA?

Perhaps you could consider whether resigning yourself to it, fighting back, or telling him your thoughts and actions might be the best way forward.

It would be beneficial to view PUA as a habit formed step by step during communication between the two parties. It may be helpful to consider that your husband may have something that needs to be protected, which he may use as a way to demand that you do it.

It might be helpful to consider some ways of dealing with PUA. One approach could be to try to strengthen yourself, overcome your fears and desires, and understand that your shortcomings are something you have to work on yourself. It can be difficult for others to do this for you, so you might not need to give in. Another aspect could be to try not to indulge your husband when you feel that he is using PUA tactics. If you do feel that he is using these tactics on you, it could be helpful to tell him how you feel. You might want to say that you feel aggrieved, oppressed, and in pain, and that you don't want to do what he wants.

If your husband has not yet recognized the inappropriate nature of his actions and language, but has begun to change as a result of your influence, would you still consider continuing this marriage?

On the other hand, you are concerned that if you get divorced, your child may not be able to grow up with you. This makes you reluctant to do so because of your military marriage. Is this correct? It seems that you have no way to fight for custody. Do you think that a divorced family will make your child's life in an unhealthy family, which will be very miserable?

I don't want to reason here. I just want to ask you a few questions that I hope will help you think for yourself.

1. Do you think that your feelings for your child's mother might change after you leave?

2. Could it be that the child's father is not as attentive as he could be?

3. Could I ask which has a greater influence on a child: a sad-faced mother or a happy, independent mother?

4. Could it be that a harmonious and stable family that is not perfect is more likely to foster a sunny and happy character in a child than a family that quarrels all day long and is unhappy?

5. Could it be that the child's path is his own, rather than yours?

I believe that if you believe in yourself, find your own way, and pursue your own happiness, your child will be happier and healthier as a result.

I appreciate your attention and would be grateful if you could let me know whether you found this piece helpful by clicking on the "Useful" button.

We would like to cordially invite you to follow the WeChat account of Yi Psychology by Huang Xiaolu.

Hi, host. I'm DouDou, a psychological counselor.

What if you think your husband is cheating on you?

Is there a possibility of divorce, but reluctance to give up the baby?

I hope these two questions will be helpful.

"Mental pua" is when someone, on purpose or by accident, controls another person's mind for one of three reasons: 1. They grew up in an environment of privilege, 2. They've been in a position of superiority for a long time, where everyone flatters them, 3. Their job is also indirectly loved by society, which can make them feel proud. They might even feel that if you don't listen to them, you're not worthy of them.

What should you do when someone is mentally controlling you?

Let your husband know how valuable you are to the family. For example, if your husband is at home, you can let him see what your life is like (let him see how hard it is for you).

It's important to remember that you're both separate individuals, and that you're valuable people in this world. When one person constantly belittles your value and says you're worthless and inferior, it's not worth your time.

"I can't bear to divorce my baby" 1. You want to keep your baby close to you, but you don't have a job. Find a stable job. When you are financially independent, you will have more say.

2. You're concerned about how you'll respond when your child asks about your ex-husband in the future. It's important to remember that children aren't aware of the complexities of divorce and shouldn't be exposed to negative comments about their other parent. You can reassure your child that although mom and dad are no longer together, they still love them more than anyone else.

I'm also a woman, and I believe that what men can do, women can do too. Before getting a divorce, it's important to be financially independent. You are a perfect individual. When your husband starts to exert mental control, please make up your mind. If you don't want to lose your baby, you must be financially independent. I hope this helps!

Good day, question asker! I am delighted to have this opportunity to respond to your question.

First, offer the questioner some comfort in whatever way you can. It's clear that facing your husband's pua, hurting and tormenting each other, and also having to consider the newborn baby, has left you in a difficult position. It must be very painful for you. The questioner said in the description that her husband is mentally "pua"ing you, but I don't know in what specific way.

Could you please elaborate on the aspects of his behavior that you find difficult to accept, or even those that evoke feelings of disgust and a desire to separate from him? How did the questioner respond to her husband's "pua"?

Could you please elaborate on what they are and why the question asker feels that they hurt and torment each other?

It would be helpful to know whether the respondent's counterattack also hurt her husband. In the face of family disputes, it would be interesting to learn what concessions the respondent has made in order to maintain the relationship.

In family relationships, everyone has different approaches. I wonder if I might ask what the questioner has done to deal with her husband's mental "pua"? Has she fought back very rationally, deflected his attacks, or often accused each other?

In family relationships, it is important to be tolerant of each other's views. If you are constantly attacking and accusing each other, even if your child has good material conditions and you have not established a stable family environment, when they grow up, they may still have many problems to face.

Given the limitations of this platform, it is challenging to engage in a comprehensive dialogue with the questioner on a range of complex issues. I hope you will find these suggestions helpful, even if they are not exhaustive.

It might be helpful to try to find a solution to your relationship problems.

In light of the relationship between the questioner and her husband, have any solutions been considered? Have resources to address the current issue been sought?

Or perhaps you feel that the problem is too big to solve and that the only way forward is to get a divorce? Have you noticed any obstacles between you and your husband that might be preventing you from getting along?

If the questioner feels that they cannot resolve the issue on their own, it might be helpful to consider seeking guidance from a counselor or other trusted source within the family.

Perhaps it would be helpful to focus on the biggest problem between you and your husband right now, and try to use all the resources you can to communicate and see if you can solve it.

It would be beneficial to learn how to deal with emotional distress.

If the two people are engaged in a heated discussion and their emotions are running high, how might the question asker navigate the situation? Is it possible that they might accuse each other?

It might be helpful for the questioner and their partner to consider setting a time-out period of, say, 10 minutes or longer when both are feeling emotional. When both have cooled down, they can discuss the problem again. This could potentially make it easier for the questioner to deal with the problem without getting caught up in their emotions.

It would be beneficial to learn to express your emotions.

It is also important to have a correct understanding of emotions. They are an instinctive defense mechanism of the human body, which is triggered when a person encounters certain dangerous situations.

It may be helpful to recognize that the emotions we experience are not always accurate reflections of reality. In such instances, it can be beneficial to find ways to express our emotions in a constructive manner. The questioner might consider engaging in an activity they find enjoyable to help them shift their focus and express their emotions in a healthier way.

I hope my answer is helpful to the questioner.

Hello, question asker! I can see where you're coming from.

You said your husband is in the military, so your divorce won't be as easy as many people think. China's Marriage Law has special protection for military marriages. The spouse of a serving military member seeking a divorce must get the military member's consent, except in cases where the military member is at fault.

It'll be tough to prove that the military is at fault for the mental pua. That means your divorce will probably be harder to get, and even if it is, there's not much chance of keeping the baby unless your husband gives up custody.

If you're aiming for a divorce or custody, it'll put you in the situation you mentioned in your question.

I noticed that your questions are very concise. You said that you are suffering from your husband's mental pua, but you didn't go into detail about the process and specifics of the pua. You also directly expressed the idea of wanting a divorce. As a counselor, we can't directly advise you on whether to get a divorce or not, or on how to fight for custody after a divorce. The former is up to you, and the latter requires consulting a professional divorce lawyer. What I can do is guide you to realize your true inner needs:

I suggest you find a quiet place and answer the following questions honestly.

Did you leave out the details about the pua because it was too painful to think about, or for some other reason?

Who defined your husband's PUA behavior? Did you define it yourself or did you work with a counselor to define it?

How did you learn about PUA?

If your husband is in the military and you have to live apart because of work commitments, how do you usually interact with him? How do you arrange to visit each other?

How often do you two get together? Are you proactive in making plans?

Do you show each other affection? How do you demonstrate your care for each other?

If you're living apart and mainly responsible for taking care of the baby, how are you managing? Who helps you with the baby?

Are you a stay-at-home mom or a working mom? How do you handle it when you need someone to take care of you or when you feel lonely and helpless?

Do you ask for help from others or do you manage it on your own?

Has your husband ever shown any concern for you before? How did he show it?

Have you ever had a nice time together?

When you got married, was it an arranged marriage, an introduction by relatives, or did you fall in love? What was the initial spark that brought you together?

And what caused the discord and loss of intimacy?

Military wives are really admirable and courageous because they have to endure a lot. A military man is not only the husband of a military wife, but also a member of the country. Many small families must obey the will of the country. So, I'd like to ask, what made you pluck up the courage to become a military wife?

What's the reason for wanting to give up the marriage?

If he's been unfaithful, can you tell me a bit more about what happened? Did he make you feel worthless or belittle you in some way?

I have a question. Military personnel and their families usually don't spend much time together, and the spouse will try to stick around as long as possible. If he always belittles you, what's his motive? Is he trying to push you away or keep you? (By belittling your value, he makes you have no courage to leave.)

If it's the first reason, why does he want to push you away? Has he suggested a divorce?

If it's the latter reason and he wants to stay together, then there's a problem with how you communicate. Instead of expressing your true needs in a positive way, you're doing it in a hurtful way.

In short, you need to be aware of your own needs and those of your partner.

With little time together and busy military duties, it's likely that the two will have poor communication, especially in the first year after the birth of a child. The family is busy with the new life, and anxiety, panic, and depression fill the home. Couples in ordinary families are prone to emotional cracks, and military families will have even more misunderstandings and resentment because they cannot be with each other day and night to support each other.

If you really care about your baby (I assume that since you used the word "baby," your child must still be very young), I hope you won't set your goal as divorce too easily. Instead, calm down and be aware of your own and your husband's true psychological needs. On the surface, there may seem to be accusations and grievances, but deep down, there are more genuine needs.

See if you can work together to resolve conflicts and try to balance the psychological needs of both parties.

If you've done your best, you'll have no regrets. You'll have done your best for yourself and for your future child. Every marriage is a journey of self-development. The key to this journey is self-awareness and awareness of others. For now, let's call this "awareness."

If you have this ability, you'll probably have a smooth marriage no matter which one you enter. You'll also become more confident and won't worry about being belittled by others. Even if you don't get married, you'll still be happy, and the ability to "be aware" is really important.

If you're feeling physically exhausted from raising children, in a bad mood, or have a tendency towards depression, it's also a good idea to seek professional help from a counselor on a regular basis. Don't carry the burden alone, and don't be too hard on yourself.

I hope that every mother in the world has a happy heart, and that every woman who has made the brave choice to get married gets what she wants! Best wishes!

I hope my reply can be of some help to you.

I hope you don't mind me asking a few questions to clarify a few things. I just want to check whether you're sure that your husband is really a PUA, or whether it's the family environment that has made him not good at expressing himself, but still has feelings for you.

Secondly, if you were to divorce your husband, would you be confident that you would be able to live a better life?

Thirdly, I wonder if I might ask what problems your husband uses to put you down.

Fourth: Could your marital relationship potentially affect the baby? It would be helpful to understand whether divorce or remaining in the marriage would be more harmful to the baby.

Fifth: Could I ask you to consider whether there might be other ways of responding to your husband's behaviour?

Sixth: Could you please tell me what you do every time you face your husband's PUA? Do you also argue noisily?

Perhaps it would be helpful to reflect on the little moments in life and consider whether he truly didn't care about you at all, except for the way he expressed himself.

It might be helpful to remember that a person with a strong inner self will not be affected by the PUA of the people around them. Perhaps this is something to consider in order to love others better.

If you love yourself enough, you'll be better equipped to handle challenges. Divorce isn't the only solution. It's understandable that you're feeling low and depressed, but this state of mind might not be ideal for your children's development.

I would like to suggest that you take a moment to calm down, handle your relationship with your husband calmly, and continue to learn and improve your understanding. It might be helpful to focus on becoming strong enough that no one can hurt you. In time, your husband may also change a little bit, perhaps becoming less inclined to engage in PUA, and may even come to know how to respect you.

I wish you the best of luck.

Hello, host!

Have you heard about pua? It seems to be a very popular topic these days! In the workplace, there are workplace pua; in the family, there are family pua; and some middle school and elementary school teachers even use pua to control their students. From one perspective, pua is very useful!

So, what is PUA? PUA is all about undermining someone's self-confidence and making them doubt themselves. For example, you may be a very good, kind, and passionate person, but there are people who can't stand your goodness, kindness, and passion for life. They just want to make you unhappy, to make you feel tired, tired, and miserable. They get a kick out of seeing you tired and miserable. This is actually a form of PUA, and it is also a kind of psychological perversion.

Have you ever wondered where PUA comes from? Well, it actually has its roots in a gas lamp! It was first seen in an old movie where a lady was very rich and then married a poor husband. Every day, her poor husband would deliberately turn down the pressure of the gas lamp, so that it would flicker. Then, every time her husband left her, he would notice the lamp flickering and become anxious and nervous. As soon as he became anxious and nervous, her husband would start to control it mentally. So this is the principle of PUA! When you don't accept yourself, you will feel nervous and anxious, unsure of yourself, and then you will be more likely to fall prey to PUA.

So, to sum up, the first step to not being Pua is to be strong inside. No matter what others say about you, you must have a protective shield of your own. This protective shield is your own evaluation of yourself. You know that you are good, kind, and love life. You are not bothered by external evaluations. Sometimes external evaluations are just a disguised form of Pua. He just wants to control you through Pua and get that false sense of satisfaction that she wants to be better than you. If she wants it, let her satisfy herself.

At the end of the day, this sense of satisfaction is just his own, and it's not really true.

I love you, world, and I love you too, my friend!

All professions have different characteristics. For example, teaching is very controlled, while the military is very self-disciplined and strict with oneself and lenient with others. This is what our character requires, but many people cannot be lenient with others for various reasons.

Those in a superior position may be controlling. Consider if the other person has caused you instability and suffering.

Your husband is manipulating you, but you don't want to lose your baby.

♣You're conflicted and unsure.

♣Your husband is a soldier.

Manipulation

Suffering

We all have things we need to face. How is your husband manipulating you and abusing you mentally?

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Judge the other person's behavior.

When you make a decision, you gain freedom.

You don't want to continue with him because you might hurt each other again. This shows that he has harmed you.

Look at your own behaviors. Do you feel controlled? Those who control others often forcefully believe you have no memory, are no good at anything, cause trouble, or shouldn't disobey.

If the other person won't stop manipulating you, leave them. You still have things to deal with on your own.

People often stay in bad marriages because of their children. But this hurts them and their kids. Kids need a family that loves them, not one that's perfect.

You're torturing each other. Look at what your back road is. See if there's anything else you should stop for. Get help from parents and friends.

ZQ?

Good morning,

Take a moment to acknowledge your feelings of helplessness and confusion, as well as your desire to change the situation. Let me offer you a hug, dear.

From a practical standpoint, it can be challenging to end a military marriage. If there is no significant fault on the part of the military personnel, the state may prioritize maintaining the stability of the military marriage and may not allow divorce. It's understandable that you're hesitant to let go of your child.

From a psychological perspective, it's important to recognize that problems don't necessarily disappear with the breakdown of a marriage. In such circumstances, it can be beneficial to focus on personal growth and healing.

It is thought that pain and unease often originate from childhood memories.

It's important to recognize that it's not your husband who is causing you pain, but rather his behavior that has triggered painful memories from your childhood. This can make you feel like you're regressing to the helplessness of a child facing such a situation.

In his books, "Why Family Hurts" and "Why Love Hurts," Wu Zhihong posits that we may unconsciously gravitate towards partners who mirror our parents, as they offer a sense of familiarity and security.

I want to give you a hug. Now that you're all grown up, you can handle this kind of thing in an adult way in the future!

For instance, it might be helpful to consider approaches such as positive communication, rejecting his projections, and identifying behaviors that make you feel uncomfortable.

It could be said that relationships act as a mirror, reflecting back to us aspects of ourselves and our behaviour.

In this mirror, you may gain insight into how he responds to you and the resulting discomfort you experience. This could be a pattern in your relationship.

It might be helpful to consider whether this is a typical pattern of chasing and escaping, where you want to withdraw, but feel unable to do so.

Dear You: In this section, you may find it helpful to watch the TV series "The Woman Psychologist," which features two couples seeking counseling in different escape modes. It's possible that you may be able to relate to one of them.

It would be beneficial to acknowledge reality, accept yourself, and strive to be better than you were yesterday.

I believe emotions can be transmitted across a distance, and it's possible your partner sensed your unease. You might consider finding an opportunity to have a good chat with him.

Dear, it's important to remember that no one in this world has the power to hurt you unless you allow them to.

You might find it helpful to read the following books: "Talking to the Other Self," "Self-Boundaries," "Reconciling with the Inner Child," and "Embracing Your Imperfections." If you would like to talk to someone, you can go to the Listening Room at the top of the new section's homepage and chat with everyone. You may find it beneficial to listen to everyone's opinions.

I hope my answer is helpful to you, and I wish you well.

Hello, I'm Meng Xiaoxiao, your friendly heart listener!

From what you've said, it seems like you're going through a tough time in your marriage. It's so hard when we're torn between our love for our babies and our fear of seeing them suffer, isn't it? I can see you're struggling with how to handle your relationship with your husband.

It's so sad to see how this poor woman is suffering in her marriage. It seems like her husband is playing mind games with her, which is really hurting her. I can see how she's feeling disappointed and sad in the relationship, and I can understand why she'd want to end it.

I can relate to the part about "being afraid of their baby suffering." I think it's so admirable that the questioner is so loving and responsible! After my marriage ended, I was also worried about whether my child would get good care and a good education.

It's tough to choose, isn't it? It seems that in most families with unhappy marriages, the reason they don't choose to divorce is also to give their children a complete family.

But is this "complete family" really good for the child? This is another question I'd love to explore with you.

I wish I could help the OP solve practical problems in the short term, but I can at least share some food for thought based on my own experience:

I was lucky enough to be born into a complete family. My parents have been married for almost 40 years. They have many conflicts and are constantly arguing. After each fight, there is a cold war and neither one will back down. In the end, they have to speak to each other again for some objective reason. Their common reason is that because of me, they choose not to divorce and continue in an unhappy marriage.

But as a child, my parents' relationship had a big impact on me, especially when it came to my studies, my work after I grew up, and my romantic relationships. When I faced challenges, I often felt like my parents' strength wasn't as strong as it could be, and I found it tough to bounce back.

I just wanted to say that every choice has its pros and cons, and its good and bad points. We can't control everything in life. It's really important to follow your heart and do what you think is right. If you need help, you can always speak to a professional counsellor.

Hello, host. I hope my answer can be of some help to you.

The host is concerned that the single-parent family environment may have an adverse effect on her baby if she leaves her husband.

I wonder if you've had a chance to watch the show "Brotherhood of Blades." I found it quite inspiring, not only in terms of the courage and perseverance they displayed in the face of challenges and difficulties, but also in observing the happy marital status of some of them.

In "My Brother the Hero," each brother comes from a different original family. Some come from happy and complete families, such as Zhang Jin, which has made him a confident, family-oriented, and dedicated good man. While some brothers are not as fortunate, three of the most popular brothers are from single-parent families: Zhang Zhilin, Chen Xiaochun, and Lee Seung-hyun. However, they all attach great importance to their families and have all reaped the rewards of a happy marriage.

It is therefore evident that single-parent families can also raise outstanding children.

In recent years, the proportion of single-parent families has also increased year by year, in line with the rising divorce rate. According to statistics from the Women's Federation, in 2010 there were already more than 20 million single-parent families, 70% of which were single-mother families.

It is possible that some people may have the perception that children growing up in single-parent families may face certain challenges or difficulties. This could potentially lead to feelings of anxiety among single-parent parents. However, it is important to recognize that with the right approach and guidance, parents in single-parent families can still nurture their children's talents and potential.

In ancient times, Confucius, Mencius, Yue Fei, and Ouyang Xiu, among others, were all raised by their mothers, and their character and talent are well known. In real life, there are also many children from single-parent families who are both virtuous and talented.

It is clear that single-parent families have an impact on children. The question then becomes whether that impact is positive or negative, and this depends on the education and guidance of the parents.

Professor Li Meijin once observed that, in the context of criminal psychology, the crime rate among children from single-parent families is not particularly high. Interestingly, the highest crime rate is among the youngest child in the family. This may be because parents tend to shower the youngest child with love and attention, which can sometimes lead to a lack of self-awareness and an inability to discern boundaries and rules.

It is also worth noting that in some single-parent families, children may sometimes become the "culprits" of their mistakes because their parents may not fully understand the "right amount of love." For example, we can look at the cases of Wu Yifan and Huo Zun. Similarly, in some wealthy and complete families, children may also end up going astray due to excessive indulgence from their parents. For example, we can look at the case of the famous "Li Tianyi incident." The parents were both well-known singers, and the family was well-off, but they had a child at an old age and spoiled Li Tianyi constantly, which eventually led him astray and caused a tragedy.

It is therefore possible to suggest that if parents can give their children just the right amount of love, so that the children feel loved and yet constrained, then even if they are divorced or a single parent, they can still lead a happy life.

It would be beneficial to consider what parents in single-parent families can do to help their children grow up healthily. We can refer to the following points:

1. It is important to discuss the divorce with your child openly and honestly. It is also crucial to avoid badmouthing the other parent in front of your child. Additionally, it is essential to reassure your child that they are not responsible for the situation.

2. It may be helpful to discuss the new life with your child and reassure them that although mum and dad are separating, they will always love and care for him.

3. It would be beneficial to your child to help them adapt to their new life as soon as possible, and to ensure they feel supported.

4. It is important to give your child appropriate love. It is also important to remember that you do not owe your child anything because of the divorce. Additionally, it is crucial to avoid overindulging or spoiling your child because of it.

5. It is important to remember not to be an overbearing parent, and to focus on fostering your child's sense of independence.

6. It would be beneficial for your child to have plenty of contact with elders of different genders, so that they can learn from people of different genders and their different ways of dealing with problems.

7. It would be beneficial to encourage your child to venture outside the home and form friendships. As they grow into adolescence, it is important to learn how to let go and allow them to navigate this new phase of life.

8. Single parents have the opportunity to set a positive example for their children.

I would also like to extend a message of support to those friends who grew up in single-parent families and are experiencing difficulties as a result.

First and foremost, it is important to recognize that we cannot deny or attack ourselves. It is essential to understand that the influence of one's original family on a person is actually limited. With dedication and effort, we can become who we aspire to be.

It is important to believe that although we may suffer some harm from our original families, these harms are limited and can be remedied. Just like the three brothers mentioned above, we can also overcome obstacles and achieve our own success.

The renowned developmental psychologist Bronfenbrenner was the first to propose the "ecological system theory." This theory suggests that while the "original family" plays a significant role in an individual's development, it is not the sole determining factor. There are other influential subsystems, such as school, society, and the workplace, that can also shape our experiences and growth.

It is important to recognize that the influence of any given subsystem on an individual is not definitive. While the original family plays a significant role, it is not a determining factor in an individual's life.

Indeed, a multitude of factors influence an individual's growth and development. In addition to the original family unit, we interact with other social circles, including educational institutions, peer groups, and professional networks. We also gain knowledge through various channels and continue to grow. It is important to recognize that we possess inherent psychological resilience, which serves as a vital source of strength, enabling us to better repair and grow ourselves.

If I might make one more suggestion, as a parent, regardless of your marital status, it is important to provide your child with an appropriate level of love and support. This can be a valuable gift as they navigate their journey of growth and development. While circumstances beyond our control often shape our family dynamics, we can take steps to foster a positive and independent outlook in our lives, which can contribute to a sense of well-being and happiness.

It would be beneficial for the host to believe that a happy parent can help their child to feel happy.

I wish you the best of luck!

Hello!

I am a heart exploration coach, and learning is the treasure of the body!

From your description, I can feel your inner conflict, dilemma, hesitation, pain, and helplessness. But you can overcome these challenges!

I'm so excited to give you three pieces of advice! The distress caused by your life situation with your husband will not be repeated here.

First, I suggest you think about why you feel that separating from your PUA husband will cause your child to suffer.

In your description, you said that your husband is in the military, but you are PUA mentally. You don't want to hurt each other and waste your life and spirit, but you can't bear to see your baby suffer. So why do you have these thoughts?

Is it because you feel that if you and your husband separate, the baby won't have a complete family? Or that it will be a kind of harm to the baby to be without a father or a mother? Or that after you and your husband separate, the baby may not follow you, and you are worried that the baby will suffer without you by its side? Or are there other reasons? In short, you have to figure out why your separation from your husband will make the baby suffer.

Once you know the reason, you can get out of your current situation!

Second, I suggest that you take a deep breath and think about the reason you found.

A rational perspective is a great way to gain a deeper understanding of yourself and the reality around you!

To gain a rational view of the situation, you simply need to do two simple things:

First, remember that a family atmosphere without love is not good for the child, even if both parents are around.

You said that your husband is mentally abusive to you, which shows that your relationship with your husband is not good. But there is hope! A family atmosphere like this can be transformed into something much more positive. The child will benefit from a family atmosphere that is warm and secure. Your and your husband's bad mood will be felt by the child, but you can choose to transform this into something positive.

Second, here's the good news: whether a child suffers or not is not necessarily related to whether they are separated from their parents. It's all about the love their parents have for them!

In other words, if you and your husband separate, as long as your love for your child remains, your child will not suffer. I think your husband will always be the father of your child, and he should love your child, so even if you separate, he will still love your child.

In addition, marriage is a matter between you and your husband, and you get to make decisions based on how you feel! This is not to say that the feelings of your children should not be considered, but rather that if you are unable to be happy in your marriage, your children are suffering.

When you look at it rationally, you can absolutely resolve those various negative emotions in your heart!

I have one more suggestion for you: focus on yourself and think about what you can do to feel more relaxed!

When you rationally consider your situation, you may also know what to do. At this point, you focus on yourself and try your best to do it.

For example, you can think about whether you really can't live with your husband anymore. Here, you can use a pros and cons analysis to make a decision. What will the family atmosphere be like if you don't separate from your husband? Is there any harm to the children? If you separate, what are the chances of providing a good family atmosphere for the children? Once you have made this judgment, you will likely know what to do. In this way, you will no longer be so conflicted. Of course, you also need to understand that a good family atmosphere is the only way to prevent your children from suffering.

If you decide to separate from your husband, you can try to get custody of the children. For the children, if they can stay with their mother, you will most likely not let them suffer. Of course, when deciding to separate, you also have to consider financial issues, division of property, and public opinion, etc. In short, you need to think rationally before making a decision.

If you can't get custody of your child, don't worry! You can still make yourself better as soon as possible, take care of yourself, and then you can make your child's life better; and so on. In short, you can do something to change the situation!

Once you start taking action, you'll be amazed at how quickly those negative emotions start to disappear. It's incredible how action can be the best way to overcome them!

And remember, no matter what you decide, you've got this! You're the one making the choice, so don't regret it. Own it!

I really hope my answer helps you! If you want to chat some more, just click on "Find a Coach" at the bottom and I'll be in touch!

Hello, question asker! I'm glad we're meeting here.

Let's go over what you told me:

Your husband is being passive-aggressive towards you.

If you carry on as you are, you'll only hurt and torture each other more.

If you separate, you won't be able to leave your baby.

The current situation is making you feel pretty tangled up and you're not sure what to do.

From reading your message, I get the impression that you're feeling a bit stuck in a rut. Let's see if we can work together to find a way out.

When did you first feel like you were being treated unfairly, and how long has it been going on now? How have you managed to keep going this whole time?

What can you do to feel a little better?

&The reason why the baby will suffer.

You say you don't want your baby to suffer. What do you mean by "suffer"? Is it because you won't be able to be with your baby after the separation, so you're worried that your baby will suffer?

Or is there a chance the baby will suffer because it'll have to be separated from the father after the separation, or that the baby will be able to stay with you after the separation but may suffer for financial reasons? Is there another reason for your suffering?

Is there anything you can do to make things a little easier on the baby?

Is it really true that the baby will be more comfortable if we just let things continue as they are?

The atmosphere in your home is far from warm and harmonious, and you and your husband are now torturing each other. Can your baby be happy in such an atmosphere? Babies are very smart and sensitive; they can sense changes in the relationship between their parents.

In this situation, you believe that your child isn't experiencing the suffering you perceive, but they are facing other challenges.

And make some changes in yourself.

If you don't want your baby to suffer, you're in the best position to help. You can try making a few changes now. For instance, when you feel like the other person is picking on you, remind yourself that they're belittling you and demeaning you, and that you're not that bad.

It's important to keep yourself aware of your strengths and weaknesses. You might want to consider counseling to help boost your self-confidence and inner strength.

You can also make yourself better off financially, at least to ensure that you can provide for your child materially. It doesn't matter whether you stay together or not, the baby will suffer in the current state. You can choose a decision that causes less suffering.

I'm just me. I hope my answer gives you a different perspective and is useful to you.

The dilemma that you are currently experiencing can be attributed to a lack of courage.

A marriage devoid of love can have adverse effects on all family members, including children, who are also victims of this situation.

Raising a child in an environment lacking love and affection can have a detrimental impact on their physical and mental health. This form of harm is often more significant than the harm caused by the parents' divorce.

You lack the fortitude to pursue a divorce. You harbor doubts about your ability to improve your circumstances and believe that your child would be better off in a different environment. Consequently, you use your child as a rationale to postpone the divorce, yet you remain reluctant to take the initiative to alter your circumstances.

The individual who initiated the process is ultimately responsible for seeing it through to completion.

In many cases, divorce is not the optimal solution to marital problems. The unhappiness observed in a marriage may be a consequence of underlying issues. It is essential to identify the root cause of the problem to effectively address it.

The question then becomes: why is your husband treating you this way? And why is your situation so bad? The answer lies in the fact that all of this is actually an image projected from within you, and you are the source of the projection. If you do not like this image today, you must work on the source of the projection. It is only by changing the source of the projection that you can change the image.

It is not possible to change another person in reality. The request being made is for the husband to become what is imagined of him, which is impossible unless the wife first becomes what is wanted of her. The only way to influence the husband is by changing oneself, which is the principle of changing projection imaging.

Identify the fundamental nature of the issue and then make a decision.

This does not preclude the possibility of divorce. If there are compelling reasons for dissolution of the marriage, the presence of a child is not a sufficient reason to justify the continuation of the marriage. It would be more beneficial for the child to be removed from an adverse environment and placed in a positive one.

It is not necessary to obtain a divorce. The responsibility for a failed marriage lies with both spouses. It is essential to engage in self-reflection during this process. A failed marriage is merely a symptom, a topic that requires attention in one's personal life. The underlying purpose is to facilitate learning and personal growth. Otherwise, if one continues to make selective choices, one may remain in a state of stagnation. In such a case, remarrying may lead to the encounter of significant challenges that are difficult to overcome.

The preceding sentence may be summarized as follows: one should be open to oneself, accept others, change oneself, and influence others.

I extend my sincerest condolences to you.

I must admit that I'm not entirely sure I understand the connection between not wanting to be with your husband and not wanting to part with your baby. It seems to me that not wanting to be with your husband does not necessarily mean that you have to leave your baby at the same time and make your baby suffer.

"My husband is in the military, but he mentally abuses me. I don't want to keep hurting and torturing each other with him anymore, wasting our lives and spirits," this statement seems to indicate that there may be some mental abuse occurring on both sides. Otherwise, there would be no "mutual harm and torture" as you describe.

In this process of being pulled in different directions, it is possible that not only your life and spirit may be wasted, but also your husband's own life and spirit.

I'm not questioning the original poster's words, but I think it's important to consider that perhaps the two of you are "unconsciously cooperating" with each other to play a certain "game" that makes the other person suffer and makes yourself suffer. It's possible that neither of you is aware of this dynamic, only feeling that "yourself" is the "victim" among the two.

If this is the case, it may be beneficial for both parties to recognize this and move on from the relationship. This could be a way to show kindness to each other and to oneself, especially if one has tried their best to live harmoniously with their partner but has been unable to do so.

With regard to the child, your relationship is still a factor, but not in the way that you are currently involved. You are still the child's parents, and you have the option of continuing to care for the child as a father and mother, should you so desire.

Perhaps it would be kinder to the child if you didn't break up and lived together in a way that was harmful to each other.

I truly hope that my reply has been helpful. Wishing you well!

Hello, question owner. It's like meeting someone face-to-face when you see their handwriting.

Ultimately, PUA aims to control you by constantly ridiculing, suppressing, denying, and criticizing you in the name of love and under the guise of doing what's best for you. Those who are subjected to PUA often experience significant mental distress.

My husband is mentally unstable, so he's wasting his life and energy. He doesn't want to give up his baby or see his baby suffer. It seems like the original poster is caught between her own needs and her child's.

I can say with certainty that children are affected by their parents' emotions. Whether you choose to divorce or compromise, if your child sees your struggle, it will undoubtedly impact them. The best approach is for both parties to calmly discuss the issue and find a solution.

Pua can have a long-lasting impact on your life. Some people recover quickly, while others take a while. I'm not sure if the questioner's current situation is typical.

Given that the questioner has already recognized that he has been pua, it's important for him to also consider the other person's actions in a logical manner.

The OP mentioned mutual torment. Does that mean the OP will retaliate? You should ask yourself what the loss to both parties would be if this continues and whether leaving is the best option.

What are your plans for your new life after leaving? At the end of the day, isn't our life all about pursuing happiness?

④Take as much time as you need to think it over. You can become braver and clearer every day. Whatever you decide, you'll need to let go of what's draining your energy, move on from the negative, and give yourself a chance to start over. Your life will shine again.

I hope the original poster has a happy life and that the baby grows up healthy.