My mom always tries to intrude on my life, it's incredibly tiring being around her, what should I do?

Dear questioner, I'm Peilü.

First, I'll give you a hug.

Your mother's attention is exhausting.

I don't know how to get along with my mother.

Your mother wants to know everything about you.

The questioner's mother has a successful career and you love her. However, she always feels that you don't love her enough.

If her demands aren't met, she'll shout and attack you verbally. She makes reckless comments about the outside world and wants to control you.

I can tell you're tired and helpless.

Your mother wants to know everything about you, even your friends' private matters. She won't stop asking.

Your mother's excessive attention and lack of personal space make you feel suffocated. She also criticizes your friends and is hostile towards them.

I understand your mixed feelings about your mother. I give you a hug.

Causes

She's too controlling.

People have a natural desire to control. This can lead to a lack of boundaries, making demands, and wanting things to go a certain way. If things don't go as planned, people may try to force others to change.

Your mother wants to control you. We all want to be in control to some degree. This can be good at work.

However, too much control can cause problems in relationships. Parents often try to control their children.

Your mother thinks her children are part of her and pays too much attention to them. She thinks she has the right to know everything about her children, which is an invasion of their privacy.

Menopause syndrome

Your mother may also have menopausal syndrome.

Menopause is a series of changes that happen to women's bodies and minds before and after menopause. These changes can cause anxiety, depression, and sleep problems. Every woman experiences menopause differently.

Have you ever noticed when your mother's attitude changed? Her anxiety comes from her vulnerability and insecurity, and is probably also a menopause symptom.

Advice for you

Express your feelings and say "no" to things that are too much for you.

When you feel repressed again, tell her. Even if you are her daughter, make it clear that you can take responsibility for some things yourself.

Talk to her and understand her.

People who want to control others are usually weak and insecure. They try to gain security by controlling everything. Maybe your mother seems strong, but she may still be a little girl who needs love and protection.

She always wants to know everything about you.

Express your love.

Traditional Chinese culture makes us shy about expressing love. Even if we love someone, it's hard to say so.

Love is a two-way street. Learn to express and accept love. Love is not just words. You are one of her closest people. Say "I love you" more often, hug and kiss her, surprise her, care about her diet, well-being, and physical health, and understand her thoughts and state of mind. Show her you care with actions.

?

I love you, world.

Hello! I'm glad we met here.

Let's go over what you said:

She depends on you a lot.

& she's in your life all the time.

Your mother's behavior affects your life.

You have many views on your mother. You hope she will withdraw, so you can look after each other but also maintain your independence. Reading your description is oppressive.

Listen to the doctor.

Your mother's behavior seems a bit abnormal. When did it start? How long has it lasted? If you can, take her to see a doctor. If not, go to the doctor's office and talk to them.

Can you live alone?

You need space from your parents to think about how to get along with your mother.

Who can help you?

Who can help you with your relationship with your mother? You only see your complaints about her in the text. What do others in your family say about her behavior? You can also observe how she gets along with others.

How can you get your mother to develop her own interests and hobbies?

Your mother acts like a child.

What's going on in your family that makes your mother so dependent on you? It seems like your mother didn't treat you well when you were a child.

You always follow your mother's lead. She seems childlike, not an adult.

Your relationship is upside down. Your mother acts like a child, and you act like an adult.

Your mother wants to have you all to herself. You can't assess your friends or interact with them.

I'm here to help. Please ask me anything.

Good evening.

Your question makes me think of a mother who wants to grab her child and a child who wants to escape.

But what about the father? You didn't mention him.

A book called "The Disappearing Father, Anxious Mother and Out-of-Control Children" is a classic work of structural family therapy. It tells the story of an American family. The cases in the book are from the United States, but they are also relevant for Chinese families today.

From a family therapy perspective, the biggest problem is the relationship between husband and wife.

Your relationship with your mother affects your relationship with your spouse. Family members influence each other.

If the husband and wife don't get along, the father may focus on work. This can hide the problems in the marriage. Chinese men often see work as a way to support their family. This can lead to the father being absent from the family.

In a husband-and-wife relationship, the father is absent, leaving the mother alone. The mother is anxious, but she can't talk about her husband's work. To relieve her anxiety, another family member, usually the child, joins the couple, creating a triangle. The mother then puts a lot of energy into her children. If the child is a boy, he will play the role of the mother's husband. This kind of mother-child relationship is most likely to raise a mama's boy.

This is a digression.

If the child is only involved temporarily or the couple can quickly resolve the problem, the triangular relationship will not last long. However, it is usually difficult to resolve problems between the couple, and the triangularization between the wife and the child becomes a fixed triangularization.

You said you always followed your mother as a child, even when she was impatient. I think part of that was because of your father.

You don't know this.

In these families, people don't have strong identities or clear boundaries. If both people are used to this, it's fine. Many "mama's boys" are happy with this.

If one person wants out, the other may try to pull them back in.

You've grown up and want your own life, but your mother doesn't seem ready to let you go. She still wants you to play the role of her husband.

You're trying to set your own limits, and your mom is trying to keep you close. You're both tired.

This is a difficult problem to solve. I'm also worried that if your mother follows your boundaries, you won't be used to it.

What can you do?

Understand your relationship with your mother.

You didn't mention your father. This is more of an analysis of a common situation.

Your mother needs you to support her emotionally. She has a successful career, but she may have nowhere to release her emotions. She always has to find someone to take it on, and you are the most convenient and closest person, so you are the one who takes on and satisfies her emotional needs.

As a child, you probably liked the close relationship, but now you want to change it.

You both won't be happy. It's not your fault or your mother's. You want to change, but she doesn't.

Second, talk to your mother.

Tell her you've grown up and need your own life. It's not that you don't value her; you just need to develop your own abilities and friends.

Be prepared for her not to accept it and for her to keep attacking you.

You should let her know how you feel. You should also prepare her for her child leaving home.

Life is like this. You can't help but accept many things.

Third, find a way to release her emotions.

I don't know who she socializes with, but I suggest she develop interests outside of work.

The best solution is family therapy. Get the father back into the family. Let the husband-wife and parent-child relationships go their separate ways.

I'm a counselor who is sometimes depressed and sometimes happy.

Hello, I'm Gu Yi. I try to be modest and consistent in my interactions.

From your description, it seems that you are currently experiencing some anxiety and uncertainty.

It would be helpful to try to understand your mother's current situation.

From your description, it seems that you are eager to resolve this situation. You also mentioned that your mother said that when you were young, you followed her, and now that she is old, she has to follow you.

In this respect, it seems that your mother's life is very dependent on you, and she may find it challenging to accept the reality that you have grown up and have your own life and are no longer close to her.

It is also possible that the mother has reached menopause, which could be affecting her emotions, sense of insecurity and sense of loss. This may be leading to some challenging interactions between you both, which is understandably causing you a lot of stress.

How might we improve our relationship?

Perhaps it would be helpful to gradually withdraw from your mother's life and focus on building your own independent life with her.

It might be helpful to encourage the mother to interact with her peers and pay more attention to herself.

It would be helpful to show your mother through your actions that you have grown up and have the same rights as her to communicate with her. Perhaps you could also let her know that you have your own opinions about your friends.

Children will inevitably grow up.

Menopausal women often experience significant mood swings and a certain degree of emotional uncertainty. It would be greatly appreciated if you could extend more patience and support to your mother. Given your deep love for her, it's important to remember that minor disagreements or challenges in life shouldn't lead to undue distress.

I hope this finds you well. Please accept my best wishes for a wonderful day ahead.

Good day.

I'm grateful to be able to offer you some guidance.

From your description, it seems that your mother's tendency to overstep boundaries may be making you feel a bit suffocated. She has a strong desire to know everything and to have your attention, and she also wants to help you with things, which can create a sense of closeness between you that may feel uncomfortable at times and make you want to escape.

I can understand that she really wants you to spend more time with her. Even if she is successful in her career, she may feel that she lacks a part of the world that is hers.

It seems that your daughter's world revolves around you. Perhaps without your attention, she feels like she can't find a stable place to live in her world. This could be why she's trying to get your attention all the time now.

If you say that she turns the volume up on the TV or attacks you when you don't pay attention to her, it could be a sign that she wants to engage in conversation with you. Perhaps she's feeling anxious at that moment, or she's in a bad mood and needs company, but she may not know how to express it, so she uses these behavior patterns to show that she wants attention.

When we understand that these behaviors represent her inner desire for attention, we can express your views to her in a positive way. For example, you could consider asking your mother, "Have you encountered anything recently that requires my help?"

"Or perhaps you're feeling a bit down and would appreciate some company? Or maybe you're feeling a little bored and could use some time to relax with someone?

You might consider asking him questions like this.

Once she understands that her behavior is driven by an inner desire for your care, she will likely begin expressing her needs in a more constructive manner.

Her current state is reminiscent of our early years as babies, when we were unable to express ourselves verbally. We would make different sounds or movements in the hope that the other person would understand us. Perhaps your mother is not yet aware that she desires your love, or that the situation she is in could be alleviated by her actively expressing her needs.

Then, after we have discovered this, we hope to take the lead and come out and tell her what her needs are right now, and ask her what she can do to make her overall feelings better. In this way, we believe that her inner emotions can be effectively expressed, and her mood will gradually return to normal.

As you mentioned, she is very interested in learning more about you and your friends.

I believe it may originate from her inner sense of helplessness. Her excessive focus on many things may be a way for her to try to change the trajectory of her life. Apart from her career, she may not be very good at managing other aspects of her life, but you are better at it than your mother. You know how to create your own space and your own time.

Perhaps you could talk to her about your experiences, for example, what you do in your free time or what you like to do, and how you go about achieving it.

It's understandable that we might feel our mothers are perfect, great, and beyond our reach. After all, they grew up to become adults at the same age we were young. So, now that our mothers are in this situation, we can use what we've learned to help them.

He has recently faced some challenges in life. We have shared our thoughts and ideas from our perspective and offered suggestions, hoping that she might find some ways to improve her overall situation.

I hope things work out for you.

If you would like to continue the conversation, you are welcome to click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom, and I will be happy to communicate with you one-on-one.

If you're interested, there's a Psychology Q&A Community, World, and I Love You that might be helpful: https://m.xinli001.com/qa.

Hello!

I get it! I feel the same way. My mom is always there for me at work and in my relationships with others.

It's similar to when we were kids. We were used to following our moms everywhere, never letting go of their hands. When our moms were working, we'd pull on their hands, complaining that they only cared about their work and didn't play with us.

The child will innocently pout and ask their mother again and again, "Who is the person you care about most? Who do you love the most?" Then the mother will say, "The person I love most is my baby, and you are the person I care about most."

Kids never get enough of their moms. They want their mom's hand when they go to sleep and to be held. It seems like there's never an end to what they want to say to their mom at that time.

As we grow up, our horizons expand. We have our own things to do, our own work, our careers to attend to, our own friends, our lovers to spend time with, our own hobbies and pastimes. Our needs for our parents become less and less. What is often overlooked is that as we grow up and mature, our parents' needs for their children do become higher and higher.

As kids, our parents always said, "Why are you so clingy?" We'd just turn away, go to sleep on our own, do our own thing, and then go where?

How about this: You can manage on your own, and now leave me alone. I have some work to do, but I'll keep you company later!

It's also a rejection, but the child is rejecting the parent. Can you please stop calling me all the time?

I'm waiting for a meeting or I'm on another call. I'll call you back in a bit. Can you stop hovering over me and asking me questions? I know what I'm doing and I know how to handle it. Don't worry about my relationship with her. If you don't understand, don't make things difficult for us, okay?

And so on.

The original poster's mother is also a working mother with a career, but she's more willing to spend more time and energy on her children when she's busy with her work and career. She's even willing to spend all her time and energy on her children.

It's also because the mother hasn't psychologically accepted that you've grown up. She still treats you like the child you once were, paying attention to you, protecting you, removing all obstacles for you, escorting you, giving you advice on life, career, and friends, and even expressing her own opinions, even though she's not an expert, to show that she can integrate into your world.

At this point, the child looks at their mother, just as their mother looked at them when they were a baby. The mother is dealing with high demands from their child, as well as their own work commitments. The mother feels guilty for treating their child like this, but also feels annoyed by their clinginess. The mother tries to spend as much time as possible with their child and meet their needs, but when their work and other commitments pile up, they have to make a choice.

Then, in this process of choosing, you can either cut it off bluntly or use a mutually acceptable way to give your child enough security on the one hand, and on the other hand, give yourself the space to do your own things and develop your own career.

The same goes for the person asking the question. You can also push your mother away if you want to, but find a way to coexist that's more comfortable for both of you. It should be somewhere in between, not too close or too detached. This way, you can maintain your independence and freedom while still connecting with your mother and sharing love.

Hello. I am pleased to have been of assistance. When confronted with a mother who exercises excessive control over her child's activities, it is crucial to establish clear boundaries and discourage the perception that such behaviour is "controlling".

It is therefore necessary to identify the root cause.

From our individual perspectives, as we mature, our independent personalities become increasingly prominent. Consequently, even when interacting with loved ones, including parents and other relatives, we must respect and value their behavior without "boundaries." This must be based on the foundation of "boundaries."

What is the best course of action in this situation?

Firstly, it is essential to communicate effectively. It is unclear whether the original poster has had the opportunity to engage in in-depth communication and exchanges.

Communication is the foundation of expressing thoughts and feelings to others. It is a two-way process, requiring both parties to speak and listen. To ensure effective communication, it is essential to choose the appropriate time and setting. When the mother has the necessary time and is in a conducive environment, a mature tone of communication is recommended. This entails speaking in a logical and reasoned manner.

Secondly, it is important to increase the level of self-differentiation. This can be defined as the ability to deal with everyday matters rationally and without being affected by emotions.

It is therefore essential to remain rational and avoid letting emotions influence our responses when dealing with instances of perceived overstepping of boundaries by a mother in a daily context.

Ultimately, you must take responsibility for your own actions. A parent once said to his rebellious child, "Your concept of independence is contingent on the resources I provide. Your notion of independence is, in fact, an unattainable fantasy."

It is therefore recommended that we commence this process immediately, addressing all aspects of our lives that require our attention, including personal grooming, academic planning, and professional responsibilities.

I hope the above responses are helpful.

Greetings!

As a heart coach, I believe that learning is a valuable process for the body.

From your description, I can sense a range of emotions, including confusion, distress, fatigue, boredom, pain, and helplessness.

I'm not going to address the issues you have with your mother here, but I would like to offer three suggestions for your consideration:

I would like to suggest that you have an honest conversation with your mother.

The aim of the communication is to let her know your true thoughts.

You may feel that you have tried to communicate with her on many occasions, but without success. In that case, you might like to consider trying the following methods to see if they help:

Perhaps it would be helpful to try to understand her perspective by standing in her shoes and trying to see things from her point of view. This could help her to hear what you are trying to say.

You mentioned that your mother is very eager to attract your attention and wants to know everything about you. Could it be that she is "unable to let go" of you? Is she always around you, and do you feel like you are the center of her life? Now that you have grown up, she may be afraid that you will leave her and ignore her, so she clings to you (as you also mentioned in your description). She is eager to know everything about you, including everything about your friends. Is she afraid that you will make bad friends and ignore her because of them? So she wants you to tell her everything about you, in every detail. Of course, the reason for making you think this way is not to excuse her wrong actions of intruding into your life, but to encourage you to put yourself in her shoes, which will be conducive to communication between you.

Secondly, it may be helpful to start sentences with "I" and talk about feelings, and to avoid or minimise sentences starting with "you." This could help to avoid any feelings of rejection or accusation, which might make communication more difficult.

Perhaps you could say something like, "Mom, I'd like to have a good chat with you. I know you long for my attention and care. You are my mother, and of course I care about you and love you. I also know that you have done a lot for me and I am very grateful to you. But I hope you can give me some space because your approach sometimes makes me feel very tired, including everything about my friends. I hope you can respect my approach. What I want to tell you, I will share with you. I hope you can respect me and understand me," and so on.

After you communicate with her in such an honest way, she may be more open to change, as she may not realize that her actions have caused you discomfort. When she starts to change, your state of mind may also shift, and she may be more open to sharing her true feelings. This could lead to a positive improvement in your relationship, which may help you feel less stressed.

Secondly, I would like to suggest that you give your mother some time and, in the meantime, consider learning to communicate in a way that is firm but without hostility.

After you have communicated with your mother sincerely, she may not change immediately, as she may be used to getting along with you that way. Changing habits is sometimes not easy. At this time, you can give her some time and consider communicating in a "firm but non-hostile" manner, which would mean "refusing her and not acting according to her wishes, but remaining firm and non-hostile."

For instance, if she desires your attention once more while you are in class, you might politely suggest, "Mom, I'm currently engaged in class, so perhaps we could speak a little more quietly. If there's something you'd like to share, we can discuss it after class."

With time and repetition, she may come to recognize the inappropriateness of her actions and make adjustments.

Perhaps it would be helpful to view this as a way of establishing boundaries with your mother. When you have a sense of boundaries, your mother may realize that her actions are intruding on your life and change.

You might also consider suggesting to your mother that she focus on other things, such as her work and career, her intimate relationships, her interests and hobbies, etc. This could help to ensure that she is less likely to pay too much attention to your life, which might make you feel more relaxed.

I would gently suggest that you prepare yourself for the possibility that your mother may not change, and then focus on yourself and live your own life.

After you have had the opportunity to communicate deeply with your mother and given her some time, and you have used the communication method of "resolute without hostility" on numerous occasions during this period, and have suggested on many occasions that she focus more on her own life, but she still does so, always trying to intrude on your life and not wanting to change, you may find it helpful to accept the reality that your mother has a somewhat vague sense of boundaries.

It would be beneficial for you to focus on yourself, try not to be influenced by her, and live your own life. You may find it helpful to take the initiative to "separate" from her. It is important to note that this "separation" does not mean severing ties with her, but rather living your own life.

When you are able to lead your own life and become financially independent, you may wish to consider moving out. This could help to reduce the negative impact on you. If you are unable to move out for the time being, you might like to try to keep your distance from her (mainly psychological distance). This could not only help you to feel better, but also support your mother's growth and development. Ultimately, children do need to "separate" from their parents and grow up on their own.

I hope my answer is helpful. If you would like to discuss further, you are welcome to click "Find a coach" at the bottom, and I would be happy to communicate with you one-on-one.

Good day, question asker!

After reading your question, I can see that you are facing a challenging situation. I want to offer you my support and understanding.

It would be beneficial to consider the following difficulties you may encounter:

1. The mother may have a strong desire for attention and a need to feel needed, which could manifest as a tendency to seek control over others.

2. When they were young, they often sought their mothers' guidance and approval, even though they sometimes experienced impatience from their mothers. As they matured, their mothers began to express their own opinions and perspectives on various matters, offering constructive criticism based on their personal insights.

3. The mother is eager to learn more about herself and her friends, including some personal details. However, she may feel hurt when the subject expresses her own views in a way that she finds offensive, which can sometimes lead to communication challenges.

4. The mother may have the perception that the subject places a higher value on friendships than on her own needs, and that the subject may not prioritize her as much as she would like.

Problem analysis:

1. It is possible that the questioner was the apple of their mother's eye since childhood, the object of her constant care and attention. They may have been an only child, or the youngest of siblings. It is also conceivable that, under the influence of patriarchal values, the mother may have been preoccupied with the questioner's every detail of life, taking care of them in every aspect of their lives, investing a lot of their own emotions, and holding high hopes for them. Alternatively, it could be that the questioner was the mother's whole world, so it is understandable that they would have a strong desire for control.

2. When the questioner was a child, he was used to following his mother around, and his mother was also used to this mode of getting along with each other. It's possible that she may have always felt that the questioner could benefit from more guidance and support in order to achieve his full potential. Therefore, in her eyes, even though the questioner is an adult and independent, she may still perceive him as a child who requires ongoing support and care.

3. If the mother doesn't get a response, she may become emotional. It's possible that the mother is trying to convey a message to the questioner, which is that as she gets older, she may feel more isolated and less wanted by her children. This could lead to feelings of uselessness.

4. As the questioner grew into adulthood, his mother's attention shifted from his ability to care for himself to his ability to form friendships, study, work, and socialize. Her primary concern was that he might face challenges in these areas and require her support. The questioner should recognize that this desire for control stems from a place of love. However, his mother has not fully considered the importance of allowing the questioner to develop an independent personality and pursue his own path in life.

5. It might be helpful to consider that the mother's way of thinking and perceiving things may still be influenced by her era. This could lead to some perceptions that may be seen as limited or inappropriate in the present context.

6. The mother may perceive that the questioner values friends more and respond with hostility. However, this may reflect the mother's inner emotional needs, which the questioner has not yet fulfilled.

It might be helpful to consider that any hostility towards friends may be a superficial appearance. You also said that you are doing well at work, and your mother just needs a little attention and company, just like a child. The questioner may have little time to accompany her because of busy studies and work.

The following analysis and solutions are respectfully offered for your consideration:

You might consider expressing your love and gratitude to your mother for all she has done for you in the past.

(2) Try to accept your mother and yourself unconditionally, and tell her that you are still the same child who used to enjoy her company, but that you have grown and developed as an individual.

(3) Consider reducing the amount of time you spend ruminating and instead spend more time with your mother.

(4) You might consider using sticky notes to convey your love to your mother. This could be an opportunity to tell her that you can take care of yourself, that you have grown up, and that you also have your own privacy.

(5) Rather than rejecting your mother's behavior, you might consider using non-violent communication to describe things objectively, express your true feelings while fully considering your mother's feelings, and specify your requests.

(6) You might consider taking some family relationship courses and learning about communication methods to increase emotional communication with your mother and improve intimacy.

(7) You might consider expressing your love proactively, for example by preparing your mother with gifts and cooking her favorite dishes. Depending on your own situation, you could do this once a week or twice a month.

(8) You might consider putting a candy in your mom's bag every day when she goes to work. It's my belief that as long as there is love, companionship is everywhere.

I hope my answer is helpful. With love and best wishes,

Hello, host. Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm Yan Yan, a listening expert on this platform and a Samsung answerer. Hope my answer helps.

First of all, this behavior is a sign of a lack of security.

On the other hand, it's also a complete lack of boundaries. Maybe her success at work can't make up for her inner emptiness and helplessness.

How does she interact with your father? It's possible that she's projected onto you a lot of her expectations, relationships, and parts that should have been shown to your father because he wasn't around.

I've got a couple of suggestions for you.

1. You might want to try saying no to your mother. She can't get unlimited security from you.

You need to be brave and tell your mother that you need to set good boundaries, including with your friends, while you are studying. At the same time, tell your mother that you love her very much, but you also need to be an independent individual and live your own life.

2. Try to mentally distance yourself from your mother. If you can, keep some distance between you.

First, you need to create some space for yourself in real life and try to stay as far away from your mother as possible. This should help your mother to leave you alone.

3. Talk to your mother. Let her know what you really think and how you really feel.

Let your mother learn to respect you at her own pace.

4. I don't know where your father is, and you didn't mention him in your text. This is probably because your parents have some interactions. So I suggest that you can also have a good chat with your father about this part and see if he can guide the relationship between your parents from his perspective. In that case, maybe if your mother focuses more on your father, the pressure on your side may also be much smaller.

You can try the small solutions I just mentioned. It'll all work out. When you interact with your mother, there will definitely be constant conflicts, followed by constant exploration. Then, slowly, a new model and new methods will be established. I hope you'll soon find a better way to deal with your mother. Good luck!