My mother and grandmother are always fighting. It's quite a tiring family. What should I do?

Hello.

I'm sending you a warm hug. I can only imagine how unpleasant this Spring Festival must have been for you. When I think of a book by Wu Zhihong, "Why Family Hurts," I am convinced that every family has its own difficulties.

[Blessed is the one who can enjoy both good fortune and hardship]

The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is an eternal problem. The Chinese symbiosis has taken root in people's hearts. While people enjoy the sweetness of symbiosis – the grandmother of the questioner takes care of the housework and prepares three meals a day, and the mother has enjoyed the fruits of her labor for the past 20 years – they also experience the suffering brought about by symbiosis: the family lives together, sharing everything, including not only the food but also their personal opinions. This is mentally painful for people who deeply pursue independence and individuality. In the book "Love and Order: Hellinger's Life Wisdom Aphorisms," I read the following passage, which explains the relationship between giving and power very well:

In a relationship, giving too much is destructive. It puts the giver in a position of power and pushes the other person. If I give too much, I'm like a mother.

The questioner's grandmother is a very traditional housewife. She handles the household chores and prepares meals three times a day, just as she has done for the past 20 years, without a day off. This kind of selfless dedication has given her supreme status and power in the hearts of her family members. You yourself said that you usually take your grandmother's side. Your mother usually doesn't know how to get along with people, and she is not liked by her in-laws, her children, or her husband. She also feels that she is not accepted in her husband's family and has no status, right?

Your mother may not know much about psychology, but as the old saying goes, "With great blessings come great trials." I'm sure your mother is not magnanimous enough while enjoying such blessings. Being in charge of the family finances is also a benefit, in addition to not having to do housework.

I would like to clarify with the original poster: does the family income go to the mother? Does the mother have any income of her own? The money lent to her sister is it within the scope of her income, or is it the family's shared property?

If it is the result of her personal labor, she has every right to dispose of it as she sees fit. You must respect her rights. If it is the family's common property, she has indeed deprived you of the right to know and has not respected the other family members.

A mother who knows the wisdom of palace battles and knows how to properly occupy the position of matriarch of the family and share out the family responsibilities that grandma has shouldered will gain the recognition and approval of the family members.

The family is also a battleground.

There are four levels of human desire. To truly understand the ultimate human ideal, we must understand the deeper desires. The desires Russell talks about are possessiveness, competitiveness, vanity, and the desire for power.

The war between the two women in your family is driven by competition and the desire for power. You and your father have unfortunately become the prey of their covert and overt struggles. Before you were born, this kind of covert and overt struggle mainly focused on your father. After you were born, your grandmother successfully included you in her plans. As you said, your mother is very strong, but she has not yet learned the wisdom of water. Her position in the family is unstable, so she has to support the influence of her family of origin to increase her own strength.

Watch a palace drama. You'll see why all dynasties forbade the empress to meddle in politics. It was to prevent evenly matched rivals from emerging and the ensuing power struggles that would bring unrest to the court. Dictatorship has its advantages, and democracy has its drawbacks. It all depends on the awareness of the masses. In a family, it depends on the degree of maturity of each family member.

You are caught in the middle of a war between two women. It is impossible for you to remain neutral. You have already taken sides with Grandma, so it is even more difficult for you to be value neutral. Unfortunately, both women want you to take sides and judge. This is a difficult position to be in. If you are also keen on the game of power and can be absolutely fair and just, that's good. But if you are also involved in their war, it is indeed very tiresome.

[Do a good job of separating issues]

All interpersonal conflicts arise from a failure to establish good boundaries and to respect each other's boundaries. "Subject separation" means first distinguishing whose subject something is (whose subject it is to bear the consequences of doing it). Then you should neither interfere with other people's subjects nor let other people interfere with your own subjects. If they insist on interfering, you don't need to care.

Read psychologist Adler's book, "The Courage to Be Disliked." It's an authoritative guide to separating issues. Learn and practice, and you'll understand what issue separation is all about.

First, you must learn how to separate issues when the outcome affects both parties. The first step is to determine who will bear the consequences of the outcome of this matter. If this step cannot be determined clearly, then you must decide who will do this matter.

It's their problem, whoever does it.

Second, you must understand that separating issues does not mean letting go and doing nothing. It means becoming more aware of your own issues and taking responsibility for them, so that you can live with a clear conscience.

Third, I want to be clear that separating issues is not apathy. Interacting with others, good and effective communication, empathy, and compassion are also your issues.

My name is Zhang Huili, the Sunshine Dolphin. I am here to help you. Learn the wisdom of life from your household chores. I wish your family harmony, happiness, and prosperity.

Dear question asker,

Perhaps we could try to sort out the issues you mentioned?

My mother and grandmother often had differing opinions, but my grandparents loved the family very much. The questioner also feels that perhaps my mother's strength and sometimes unreasonable behavior have caused constant disputes in the family. However, the three generations have lived together for more than 20 years, so it's understandable that there might be some challenges.

My mother and grandmother also had their fair share of disagreements, despite living in the same extended family. My mother was particularly fond of her grandmother and would often buy her clothes for New Year's Eve and occasionally cook her a delicious meal. It would be interesting to know if the original poster has seen the positive side of her mother.

In addition, we may also discern some of the underlying conflicts within this family, such as:

"My mother and grandmother often had differing opinions. My mother didn't always show the same respect and appreciation for my aunts as she did for her own family. She often gave them the good things and told my grandmother negative things about my aunts, which caused my grandmother to feel upset and they often argued. My mother is very assertive and speaks her mind, which I also find challenging.

My father would often leave when we had a disagreement and did not intervene. My grandmother also frequently expressed her concerns about my mother's behavior, suggesting that she could be more respectful and helpful within the family.

"

It is possible that a woman leaving her maiden home to live with her husband's family may experience some difficulties in adjusting. It is also possible that her mother may have desired care, love, and attention from this family, but that she may have received little of it. In such a case, it would be understandable if she felt the need to become strong and protect herself. It is possible that we have overlooked this possibility.

It seems that in this family, there is a general consensus that Mom is not always right. I can only imagine how Mom feels inside.

It is understandable that my mother may not have the best interpersonal skills, and it may seem as though she has made some mistakes along the way. My father and I are on the same page, but we find ourselves in a difficult position, unsure of how to proceed. Currently, it seems that both sides have to navigate this challenge. It is essential to consider the feelings of both parties and speak positively about them. For instance, we should speak well of my grandmother to my mother and speak well of my mother to my grandmother. It is likely that a lot of tact and diplomacy will be needed in the middle.

We had a disagreement with my mother. It's important to remember that we shouldn't be influenced by the actions of the entire family or the fact that we tend to focus on the negative aspects of my mother's behavior. She has also invested a great deal of effort in raising us. Life is short, and the time we have with our parents and loved ones is limited. It's crucial to maintain a positive and supportive relationship with each other, considering the circumstances.

I hope this message finds you well. I just wanted to send my best wishes to you and yours for the new year. I love you.

I hope you will accept my apologies for the delay. I wish you a happy new year.

I extend a warm embrace from a distance to you.

I am gratified to have read your request for assistance and hope that my contribution can provide you with some degree of support and aid. From your account, it is evident that the longstanding discord between your mother and grandmother has resulted in considerable distress and exhaustion, both physically and mentally.

Given the long-standing discord between your mother and grandmother, and the fact that your grandmother, as the eldest member of the family, has assumed the majority of domestic responsibilities, it is understandable that you would align with your grandmother and express feelings of resentment and discontent towards your mother. While you may conceal these sentiments towards your mother, it is evident that she is aware of them.

In the familial structure, the marital relationship between parents represents the primary bond. The relationship between children and parents constitutes the next most significant aspect of the family dynamic. The relationship between grandparents and other extended family members, such as aunts, does not possess the same level of intimacy as that observed between parents and children. While grandparents may reside in the same household, they do not possess the same level of decision-making authority as parents. The proximity of the relationship between other individuals and the father will always be secondary to that of the mother. This implies that the father must first fulfill the role of a competent husband in order to prevent the perpetuation of family conflicts.

The fundamental source of the conflict between mother and grandmother is rooted in feelings of anger and dissatisfaction stemming from a perceived replacement as the primary family figure. Grandmother's significant contributions to the family, at times, represent an unconscious attempt to demonstrate her indispensable role and assert her authority over the family. This can manifest as an invisible passive attack on mother, leading to feelings of rejection and resentment. When mother fails to recognize this aspect of her resentment and anger, she may resort to expressing her painful emotions through resentment, criticism, and scolding towards those around her.

At this juncture, the mother requires substantial support, understanding, and affirmation from the father. However, it is evident from the description provided that the father is a relatively passive figure within the family unit. His inaction has a profoundly detrimental impact on the mother, engendering feelings of profound loneliness, helplessness, and desperation. As the father's love and support serve as the foundation for the mother's confidence to assert herself within the family, a significant portion of her discontent with the grandmother and aunt can be attributed to her anger and resentment towards them for projecting the father's neglect, lack of understanding, and lack of support.

Therefore, any inappropriate behavior or emotional state has an underlying need. It is important to recognize that your mother's unfriendly attitude towards your grandmother and aunt is driven by a desire to be seen, affirmed, understood, accepted, and supported.

Once the detrimental impact of the prolonged conflict between the mother and grandmother on the individual's physical and mental well-being is acknowledged, an effort can be made to comprehend and identify the nature of familial disagreements. This process of understanding and recognition can facilitate the healing of this aspect of the trauma through the active pursuit of self-awareness and personal growth.

It is also possible to attempt to communicate one's genuine emotions to one's parents. However, it is crucial to refrain from evaluating their actions or behaviors. Instead, it is essential to express one's authentic feelings and needs while simultaneously conveying one's profound affection for them. By openly sharing one's genuine sentiments with those closest to us, we can influence and encourage our parents to engage in open communication and express their true inner needs and feelings, rather than suppressing or concealing their emotions.

Concurrently, a profound affection exists between you and your grandparents, and they hold you in high regard. Consequently, you may persuade your grandmother to relinquish some of her domestic responsibilities. Having invested a lifetime in labor, they have already fulfilled their obligations. They have nurtured their progeny, and it is now the parents' duty to foster your growth and development. They must provide you and your parents with the opportunity to learn and expand your knowledge. When your grandparents perceive your love, respect, understanding, and consideration, they may recognize that they have assumed an excessive burden and may be amenable to relinquishing some of it.

The cornerstone of a harmonious and happy family is the primacy of the husband-wife relationship.

It is this author's recommendation that you read The Order of Love.

Hello!

From what you've said, it seems like there's a pretty bad relationship between your mom and her aunt and grandmother. This might be because they had some issues when they were younger, and there might still be some issues now, but you haven't noticed them.

It seems that your father also struggles to regulate this aspect, which can result in arguments. It's important to understand your feelings in this situation.

How can we solve this?

(1) You can talk to your mother about the reasons.

There's a reason for everything that happens. It might be helpful to figure out why your mom has these thoughts and see if what she's saying is true.

(2) Learn to recognize your emotions.

When we feel emotions, we can see what emotions we are feeling, and the reasons are always what needs are needed to be stable. Maybe if we look at it from another person's perspective, we can see why they feel this way. Then, the emotions that arise must be needs that are easy to satisfy or conflicts.

(3) People can influence and change each other.

There are lots of ways this can happen because how people get along with each other can affect change. But if a pattern keeps repeating, it's pretty unlikely things will change. I think there are some issues with my mother, mother-in-law and aunt, and they're real, but we just don't understand what's really going on.

(4) Learn to separate issues and think from another person's perspective.

For instance, mom and dad should work together to resolve mom's issues. We need to discuss any conflicts and problems. Maybe we can consider what mom's actions truly mean from another perspective, learn to see things from other people's points of view, and gain insight into what mom is thinking.

Wishing you the best!

Thank you for answering!

How old is the questioner? Is he or she a boy or girl?

Do grandma and mom avoid each other when they fight?

"My grandparents are nice to me, my parents, and my siblings. Do your parents and I think the same? Ask your mother what she thinks.

"My grandmother does all the cooking and housework, and I usually prefer my grandparents. Why does the questioner prefer his grandparents?"

The questioner favors the grandparents. How does the mother feel?

"My mother doesn't like or respect my aunts. She often gives them the good things and tells my grandmother about my aunts' bad behavior, which makes my grandmother angry. My mother is strong-willed and speaks harshly.

"I'm not sure if this is objective."

"My father leaves when there is a fight and doesn't care. How does the questioner see this?

My grandmother says my mother is useless. I agree and argue with my mother.

The original poster has become Grandma's helper against Mom.

What do you think will happen when you help your grandmother like this? Will they argue more or make up?

It's exhausting being in a family like that. What should I do?

"Yes. Don't be the one who feels tired."

You shouldn't be the main person responsible for solving problems.

In a family with three generations, parents should be in charge. This means grandparents should play a supporting role.

Your mother's strength can be used positively without arguing with your grandmother or taking sides.

Then Mom can argue with Grandma and say Auntie is no good. She competes with Grandma for control.

The questioner can step away from the fight between Grandma and Mom and act as an "invisible mediator." You can try it. When Grandma and Mom fight again, you can leave and do nothing. See if they calm down.

Family systems have many dynamics. If the questioner thinks the problem is serious, they can ask a family counselor for help.

I hope my reply helps. Best wishes!

Hello there, question asker!

After reading your question, I can see how things might get a bit tense and damaged in families when relationships aren't handled properly.

However, in many cases it can be tricky to know right from wrong and give specific, clear advice.

I'd love to help you with some analysis and suggestions!

[Family members have an unclear sense of boundaries]

The questioner describes many problematic details, such as "I often tell my grandmother that my aunt is no good, and she gets very angry and we often argue," "My mother is dominant and speaks sharply," and "My grandmother also often complains to me about my mother, saying that she is not filial and useless."

Psychologically speaking, it means that family members might not have a clear sense of their mutual boundaries and are happy to get involved in each other's judgments, which can unfortunately create a lot of problems in daily life.

[Find a solution through detailed analysis]

The psychological butterfly effect is a great way to pay attention to all those little details!

Your mom and your grandmother's relationship as mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and many irreconcilable conflicts in family relationships, initially come from small details that, when added up, can seem huge.

It's so true that the little things can make or break a family. Sometimes, the person saying something doesn't even mean to, but the other person can take it the wrong way.

It would be really great if the younger generation, the questioner, could improve their own understanding and learn to stand in the other person's shoes, consider their feelings, and make them feel respected.

Let's find a way to break through from a sense of trust!

It's so sad when there are conflicts and struggles between family members. It just goes to show how fragile trust in human nature can be.

It's so sad when your mom and grandma feel like the other won't support them or stand by their side.

So, it would be really great if the younger generation could think of ways and techniques to establish a sense of trust between them. They could start with a little understanding and then gradually accept and accommodate each other.

At the end of the day, building trust is the key to making everything better.

I really hope this helps you in some way.

Hello, I am a heart coach. Fly free. 2023 will be happy.

You feel the happiness and love you get from the extended family, but the "conflicts" between your grandmother and your mother always make you feel like you have to choose between them emotionally, which is very difficult for you and also causes a lot of trouble. Give you a warm hug. "Mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship" is a problem that many families face. Let's share and discuss it together:

1. "Each side has a point."

There is no single truth to a matter. It is like "even an impartial official has difficulty resolving family matters," and "each side maintains that they are right." Why? Because different perspectives naturally lead to different results.

For example, if you stand there and look at the number "6," the person standing opposite you will see a "9." There is no right or wrong. You are both seeing the "truth." You are just looking at it from different angles.

A mother-in-law and mother, who originally had no blood relationship, have formed a deep and intimate bond because of the same man. Family is about love, not logic. Family members are often used to reasoning but neglect love.

Since we are talking about reason, we will naturally argue about who is right and who is wrong. There is no question that "right and wrong" is "judgment." We are used to measuring a person or an event with our own values and feelings. There is no doubt that within our own perception, there is a deviation whenever there is judgment.

The incidents you describe are common, trivial matters in life. They include favoring the mother's family and disregarding the father's family, as well as buying clothes for your own mother but not your mother-in-law. These trivial matters make up real life.

From the grandmother's point of view, Dad and aunt are her own children, so she will defend and protect them. Every mother feels the same way. You can hit and scold your own children, but not "others," including your husband.

This is motherly love.

You need to stand in your mother's shoes. She is related to your father by marriage, but not related to your grandmother or aunts by blood. She is your "relative," and it is your job to get along with her. As the saying goes, "distant relatives are no better than close neighbors," which means that relationships are built through getting along with each other.

There are many factors that contribute to conflicts between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. One party is prone to "crossing the line," which destroys the sense of boundaries between people and affects the relationship.

The role of "dad" is also crucial. He is the key mediator between the two "women." However, dad always leaves, which shows he is avoiding his responsibilities. Grandma needs dad's filial piety, and mom needs dad's understanding and love.

Then there are the conflicts between family members, which often stem from financial disputes. It's not simply a matter of whether Grandma is right or wrong, or whether Mom is right or wrong.

You just stand there watching.

I say this because the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law and family conflicts are part of their life's work.

And you have your own responsibilities and missions at different stages of life.

Grandma and Mom are your closest relatives, so they both share and vent to you. It doesn't matter who it is; they just want someone to listen to them as they pour out their emotions and feelings.

But their "over-sharing" puts you in a difficult position, because "both sides of the coin are equally dear." They are both important people in your life. Unconsciously, the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has plunged you into a "power struggle." Grandma and mom both want to "gain" your understanding and support.

Your father has chosen to abdicate his responsibility and made you the de facto leader. Family values emphasize order, with everyone in their place and doing their job. When the family hierarchy is out of order, family conflicts will arise.

Go back to your original position and leave these matters to them to deal with on their own. They must complete this work, and they will face consequences if they fail to do so.

I am confident that the above will be helpful to you. The world and I love you. ? "Why does family hurt?" is recommended for you.

If you want to continue the conversation, click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom. I will communicate and grow with you one-on-one.

Hello, I'm Gu Yi. I try to be modest and unassuming, and I do my best to remain true to myself.

It can be challenging for an impartial official to judge family matters.

I can appreciate the sentiment behind the question. When faced with such a situation, it's natural to be eager to find a brand new solution. Ultimately, we all hope for harmony and peace in our families, with fewer arguments and more tranquility.

It can be challenging to find a consistent standard for evaluating the merits of different approaches to household matters. It's not uncommon for individuals to have their own unique perspectives on these issues.

It's wonderful to want to solve problems, but it's important to recognize that the methods and approaches we choose may depend on our own hearts. In psychology, there is a requirement that visitors to one's own counselor cannot be one's friends.

It can be challenging to maintain objectivity in these situations.

If I might offer a suggestion or two:

It's important to recognize that we all have a strong emotional tendency. Our grandmother does the housework, and there are other factors that cause our personal subjective emotions to be biased in favor of our grandmother. Our first reaction to the same thing will also be to help our grandmother.

This can make it challenging to maintain objectivity, and regardless of our position, we may find ourselves becoming hostile. While a solution like "laying flat" may have its merits, it may not be the most optimal approach. It might be beneficial to explore a balance between the two.

It might be helpful to consider using different communication methods to establish a bond of communication and understanding and increase overall understanding. Some behavior patterns have become fixed and are not easy to change, but it's important to believe that no one in the family wants more arguments. As long as everyone is on the same page, it can be achieved.

I hope this message finds you well. Please accept my best regards.

Hello, question asker!

From your description, it's clear that you're caught up in a lot right now. It's understandable that you're feeling a bit overwhelmed and tired. Is that right?

You describe a family of five, with your grandmother making a great contribution to the family. You also like your grandparents better, because your mother does some things that you don't like. Your aunt is like your grandmother, complaining about your mother's wrongdoings, often taking things from your mother's family. Even when your grandfather was sick, did your mother care about him? Instead, she lent money to her sister in her family. This means that there's room for improvement in the relationship between your grandmother and your mother. You also think that your mother did not do the right thing, and you feel that the family atmosphere is not very good. This is something you can change! Do you expect a happy and harmonious family atmosphere like this?

I admire your wisdom in perceiving this uncomfortable family pattern and your courage in talking about it. You're actively looking for ways to solve the problem and adjust to this uncomfortable feeling, which I think is really admirable.

The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a problem that has been around since ancient times. But it doesn't have to be! It just requires mutual tolerance and mutual forbearance from both sides to achieve a harmonious state, because everyone has their temper and everyone has their needs.

You are eager to see positive changes in your grandmother's behavior and the way she treats your mother. You also hope that your mother can get along with your grandmother and treat the family well. Is this correct?

Also, in your description, you said that you and your mother went to communicate, and even had a fight with him, which made you feel very tired.

So, if a miracle happened and your uncomfortable feelings disappeared, and your mother devoted herself to the family and got along with your grandmother, what would be different about your life? What would you have to do for a miracle to happen?

Just imagine for a moment that the miracle happens. What would be different about your life? What would you have to do for this to happen?

I'm excited to share some advice based on how I feel about your problems. I truly believe it will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel and create a relaxed and happy family atmosphere.

First, adjust your mindset and watch the magic happen!

What can I say? Every family has its own unique set of challenges. Life is full of twists and turns, and it's all part of the journey! When you feel that the family atmosphere is not as positive as you'd like, it may bring you a few bumps in the road. But, you can power through! It's important to adjust your state of mind, not let it get you down, and keep searching for solutions. You've got this! I want to say, do you agree?

The second thing you can do is learn to establish good boundaries.

You and your family of five depend on each other, and each person is still linked to their mother and grandmother in some way. As a grandson or granddaughter, you have the amazing opportunity to grasp the extent of this dispute and mediate it. It may be impossible to resolve it, but that's okay! What we have to do is establish a sense of boundaries. Because the sense of boundaries between your mother and the rest of the family is not very strong, do your own thing. We can't change our mother, but we can influence her through our own changes. This is much better than arguing with her. Do you agree?

And then, you can look for the reason behind your mother's behavior!

Absolutely! Everyone's behavior patterns are related to their family of origin and life experiences. We need to look for the reasons, to find out why mom did that, what her needs were, and so on.

What does mom want? You can absolutely help to resolve this uncomfortable feeling if you keep looking for the reason behind it!

You can also communicate effectively with your mother! For example, when she is in a better mood, calmly ask her what she is feeling. First, accept her feelings. Then, describe your feelings. We all want others to fulfill our expectations and satisfy others' desires. This is the best way to establish a way of communicating well! Do you agree?

And finally, you can seek help from a professional counselor!

You came here to talk and find answers to your questions, and I can see that this problem has been bothering you for a long time. But you're not helpless! There's still something beautiful and hopeful inside you, and you can use it to release these negative emotions. When we're caught up in something and unable to extricate ourselves, we can seek help from professional counselors, who will use their professional skills to guide us and adjust our perceptions.

Absolutely! If you can, you should definitely learn more about psychology to guide your mother and help her. That way, you can avoid arguing with her and help her instead. Everyone has a different perspective, so it's important to understand that. Do you agree with what I'm saying?

We can achieve harmony in our family and get our mother and grandmother along together harmoniously! We just need to communicate, guide, and find the underlying reasons. This is the only way we can prescribe the right medicine, help our family, and calm our own minds so that we no longer feel so uncomfortable.

I'm so happy you came here! You'll get through this. As long as you don't give up and keep looking, you'll achieve what you want!

Hello, I hope you will accept this hug from me.

In your question description, you wrote about what you observed in your family.

Grandparents: They are very kind to you. Grandma works hard, and she handles the cooking and cleaning. Grandma and Mom have a few disagreements, but I think it's mostly because of the aunt, or perhaps because Mom isn't as attentive as she could be.

Dad is not particularly invested in the situation and tends to withdraw when conflict arises.

Mom tends to favor her own family, which sometimes leads to a perception of her looking down on her sisters-in-law. There have been instances where she has shared concerns about her children with their mother, which has occasionally led to disagreements. Mom is a strong-willed person who speaks frankly.

It would seem that there was a misunderstanding and that Mom lent her sister money.

You are the child of a family of five, under 20 years old, with a fondness for the grandparents. You have a differing opinion from your mother and tend to align with your grandparents' views, as they have engaged in discussions with your mother on more than one occasion.

This is your account of your family, as seen through the eyes of a child.

I wonder what this story might be like if it were told by someone else.

For instance, if Dad were to recount the tale, he might say, "My parents have striven mightily to provide for us and rear our children. However, my wife has been somewhat ungrateful and prone to disagreements with my mother. It's rather trying."

They are entitled to express their opinions as they see fit. I will simply withdraw from the discussion.

If it were my aunt speaking, she might say, "This sister-in-law doesn't do any housework, and it's all my mother who does it. My mother is so tired, and she could perhaps be more grateful."

Perhaps I should teach her a lesson and show her how to respect the elderly.

I wonder if it might be the grandmother speaking. It's possible that I'm working hard doing housework and looking after the children for my daughter-in-law, and she might not be as grateful as she could be.

It's possible that her approach is influenced by our marital status and the fact that our income is shared with our family. Regardless, she consistently prioritizes the well-being of her own family. My daughter has attempted to guide her towards a more respectful relationship with the elderly, but unfortunately, her comments about my daughter were less than kind.

This daughter-in-law could perhaps be more filial and useful.

Let's switch roles again and hear from the mother this time. She might say that living with her in-laws, her husband acts like a child who never grows up. Her in-laws may seem to be doing the cooking, the housework, and looking after the children, but she might find it challenging to look after her own children.

My sister-in-law and sister-in-law have a similar approach to the other two mothers-in-law, offering guidance and advice. My mother-in-law also shared some thoughts about me in front of my child, which unfortunately led to some misunderstanding and tension.

My husband tends to avoid problems, perhaps because he is close to his mother.

This role-reversal can continue. For example, if you switch roles and look at it from the perspective of a neighbor, it may be that three generations are living together in the same room. Although the in-laws are serving the family's needs and living a hard life, they may be exerting a bit too much influence. They seem to want to control everything their daughter-in-law does, and they even badmouth their daughter-in-law in front of their grandchildren.

My son is simply seeking a way out.

I should mention that I made all this up. What I'm trying to say is that it might be helpful to look at your family's story from the perspective of a child, but it seems like this story is only seen from your perspective.

It is possible that a different person may tell a completely different story. As the saying goes, "From a distance, a mountain looks high; from close up, it looks low. So, there is no such thing as the truth. Everyone only sees what they believe to be the truth from their own perspective."

I believe this is a very common situation.

You might consider trying to stand in the shoes of different characters to gain a better understanding of the story and the family.

Let's continue our discussion about how you should approach this situation. You are almost 20 years old and are currently in college.

Perhaps it would be helpful to take some time to re-examine your family story from an empathetic perspective.

In English, there is a phrase, "in your shoes," and in Chinese, there is a phrase, "put yourself in someone else's shoes." Both phrases convey a similar idea: to empathize with and understand another person's perspective.

It is also said that one cannot persuade others to be good without having experienced the same suffering oneself.

It's important to remember that everyone has a different perspective and experiences things in their own way. One way to gain more understanding is to try to step into the shoes of others and think about how they might feel when faced with the same situation. It can be helpful to consider how your perspective differs from theirs.

This may help you to understand family conflicts more objectively.

Secondly, it is important to recognise that these conflicts, whether they be between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law or between a husband and wife, are a result of their own issues. Given your age, it may not be feasible for you to change them.

It may be helpful to consider that the key conflict in your family is the marital conflict between your father and your mother, rather than the so-called conflict between your mother and your grandmother.

It is important to remember that conflicts are between two people and that it is not always possible to control the way they interact with each other.

Thirdly, it is important to remember that you can only control yourself. At this stage, it may be helpful to accept the current situation, accept the conflicts between them, accept that you cannot change them, and then focus on doing what you need to do at this stage.

It might be helpful to consider looking at these conflicts more objectively, as this could potentially lead to a decrease in anxiety and internal conflict.

You might also consider speaking with a counselor.

I am often a Buddhist and sometimes a pessimistic counselor. I believe in the world and in your capacity to love it.