My mother must think me an idiot, isn't that what makes her angry?

Hello! I'm here to help you find peace of mind. I'm so grateful that fate has brought us together so I can support you through this.

From your description, I see a well-behaved, sensible, filial, and caring child. I also see a helpless, hopeless, and powerless child who makes people feel sad and pity.

I just want to give you a big hug and tell you that I see, fully understand, and accept your inner feelings of unease, pain, fear, and helplessness.

From what you've told me, it seems like you grew up in a home where your mother was constantly putting you down. It's clear that you feel like you're not doing well enough for her, and that you're to blame for her unhappiness.

But my dear child, is it really all your fault? Should you bear all the pain?

I really don't think it should be like this. Each of us comes into the world with our own mission and responsibilities, and it's so important to have these boundaries clear.

So, if you feel like it, you can try to set some clear boundaries between you and your mom. It's important to remember not to cross the line and take on the part of the responsibility that perhaps should be taken by your mom.

I just want to say that I'm not asking you to blame your mother. I'm just trying to help you clarify the boundaries between you and her. We can only take responsibility for ourselves. If we cross the line or blindly put the blame on others (from the description of the question, it can be seen that your mother may have such a tendency. Maybe she is not having an easy time, and she needs someone to take responsibility for her pain, and you have become her first choice. ) then it can only bring pain to both sides.

Reading your description, I have a question for you. It seems like the whole text is about your mother and you, but I'm wondering where your father is in all of this. Is he involved somehow?

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. If your dad has always been there for you, I'd love to know how he reacted to your mother's attitude towards you. And if for some reason he can't or can't live with you, I'd really like to understand what happened.

What did you bring to your mom and yourself?

If you like, you can think about it seriously.

The question also mentions the fear of doing things or saying things that others don't like, are not satisfied with, or are unhappy with in the process of getting along with others. This may be that in the long-term pattern of getting along with your mother, you have already solidified in your own consciousness the idea that you are bad, can't speak well, and can't do things well. So once something similar happens, you automatically lock it in as your own responsibility. It's totally understandable to feel this way! We all have things we're not so great at, and it's natural to feel like we're not meeting everyone's expectations. But it's important to remember that you are good, and you deserve happiness and success in life.

But my dear child, is that really true? Is it really as you think?

Take your time, sweetheart. Find a quiet place where you won't be disturbed, and put aside your self-blame and pain for the time being.

It's not about letting go, sweetheart. It's just about moving them aside, allowing them to exist, and just not looking at them for the time being.

Then, take a deep breath and explore. Trace the source of things back to find out what has caused today's self to be prone to taking responsibility for things that happen to her.

Find the courage to face your past experiences and feelings, and then find the wounded self within. Accept her, embrace her, comfort her, give her strength, and tell her that she did nothing wrong. She has done a good job, and she deserves the recognition, affirmation, and praise of everyone. She is good, and she deserves happiness and all the good things in the world.

I promise I'll be here for you if you need me. I wish you well and remember that you are really very good.

Your mom's not always the easiest to get along with, is she? But you're a sensible, filial kid, and you always speak and act in a way that will keep her happy.

Good day, host.

Per your description, I perceive a particularly oppressive atmosphere.

[The mother's belittling and scolding]

I would inquire as to what kind of feelings would prompt a mother to belittle and abuse her own child.

The child's behavior is not aligned with the mother's expectations. She anticipated that her daughter would contribute to her reputation and prestige.

The mother appears to be experiencing a sense of disappointment and blame regarding her daughter's behavior. She seems to be questioning her own role in influencing her daughter's actions, suggesting that her daughter's current behavior is a reflection of her own shortcomings.

I am not at fault.

The responsibility for this situation lies with you. You have not heeded my advice, and as a result, you have made a mistake.

I believe the mother is attempting to create a strong emotional bond with her child, while simultaneously attempting to distance herself from any negative aspects of the child's behavior.

[Retort or silence]

Your mother is able to accept your silence because she interprets it as agreement. She feels good about herself only when you agree with her.

When you begin to challenge her position, she experiences a sense of imminent catastrophe and begins to express herself in an emotionally charged manner.

This dynamic is emotionally challenging for the daughter, as it creates a sense of suppression and lack of autonomy.

This mother is also very helpless. It appears that she has become overly reliant on her child for validation and has not developed the capacity to be an independent and complete person.

A lack of response from you makes you feel powerless.

Providing a counterargument will be effective, but it will likely result in a more robust counterattack from your mother.

The mother's persistent questioning may lead the child to question the mother's intentions, prompting them to wonder if the mother is merely expressing frustration or genuinely attempting to provide assistance.

[Repeatedly being denied]

Repeatedly denying someone will make them feel inferior, angry, and want to escape.

Many parents, due to the prevalence of anxieties and fears in their lives, have become unduly critical of their children.

The parent-child relationship is irreparably damaged, and the child becomes self-conscious.

How to navigate the challenges of the relationship:

[Establish boundaries]

It would be beneficial to read more, learn more, and avoid involving your parents in tasks that you are capable of completing independently.

In many cases, when we lack personal strength, our relationship with our parents becomes complicated.

There is a desire on the part of both children and parents to maintain a balance between independence and dependence. However, this can be challenging for both parties.

Sometimes parents unintentionally impede their children's growth and development. In such cases, the responsibility for fostering a breakthrough in the relationship and bridging the distance falls on the child.

[Silence or rebuttal]

When it is evident that your mother is merely expressing anxiety,

Take a moment to collect your thoughts, disengage from the situation, and observe her emotional state.

A positive and powerful response is, "Mom, you're absolutely right." This does not mean that you agree with her analysis and logic. It means that you understand the value of expressing emotions and that doing so can lead to positive outcomes.

Engaging in a back-and-forth argument does not necessarily strengthen one's position.

Silence does not indicate weakness.

Perception determines emotion.

Please describe your view of the importance of exerting control over your children in the presence of your mother.

Please describe your view of the importance of independence in your relationship.

How might you facilitate greater independence between yourselves?

I hope you can find additional resources to assist you. It is important to develop your independent thinking and ideas as soon as possible.

Hello, I'm Lin Qing, and I'd like to talk to you about something.

01. Accept your emotions and focus on the positive aspects of them.

I read your account and noticed some phrases that stood out to me. "Can't tolerate any rejection," "do whatever you want," "blame," "just listen," "she's right," "keep scolding her until she's happy," and "she's awesome" all seem to paint a picture of a domineering mother with a spatula, her arms folded, giving orders. It seems like she made a lot of demands on you, and her authoritarian rule made you feel uncomfortable, stressed, and even oppressed.

It seems like you're trying to rebel against your mother's behavior. When she wants to "scold her to her heart's content," maybe you're trying to express your own opinions or do things you approve of. You said your mother wants to "turn you into a child" and "show her superiority." It seems like you're resisting her arrangements at heart. Does the fact that your mother has to suppress you to appear superior also mean you're already very powerful? You use a lot of exclamations, as if the suppressed anger in your heart is spewing out unconsciously. I feel your anger.

Anger is one of the most uncomfortable human emotions because it's so strong and real. But at the same time, according to Darwin, it's closely linked to the survival and evolution of the species. Human anger is often mixed with conscious thoughts, and it can also give an individual the courage to defend themselves.

When you wrote, "Yes, I don't like her," I could see you were being brave.

You're standing up to your mother and saying "no" to her inappropriate behavior.

02. Take a deep breath and face your situation. You've got this.

?

It seems like you see your situation this way: "She'll drain me, destroy my self-confidence and motivation, and even my existence." Is it really that bad?

It seems like you see your situation this way: "She'll consume me, destroy my self-confidence and motivation, and even my existence." Is your situation really that bad?

"She just wants to turn me into a child and show off how great she is by criticizing me for not being able to do anything right." Is it true that you can't do anything right?

"She acts like she's a great mother, but she's really trying to turn me into a stupid daughter." Is she really a great mother? Are you really a stupid daughter?

"She even said that whoever marries me will be jinxed. Is it true that whoever marries you will definitely be jinxed?"

"She'll eat away at my confidence and motivation, and even my existence." Do you think your confidence and motivation, and even your existence, are affected by her alone? Can a mother who achieves control through a mean daughter really consume you, and even make you non-existent?

When we get stuck in a tough spot, it's not just the facts of the situation that hold us back. Our past experiences, habits, and thought patterns also play a role. These can create an implicit assumption that limits our perspective and scope of thinking.

When we get stuck in a difficult situation, it's not just the objective facts of the situation that trap us. Our past experiences, habits, and thinking habits also play a role. These things can lead us to make assumptions that limit our perspective and scope of thinking.

It's as if all your misfortunes are caused by your overbearing mother. You are so pitiful, so weak, so helpless, and you are incapable of seeking change, so you can only passively endure "repeated and repeated rejection" and struggle in the vicious cycle of anger-retort-scolding-anger...

Is that really the case?

?

I can see that you're courageously expressing your thoughts, including your anger towards your mother, your helplessness in dealing with things, and your helplessness in protecting your confidence and motivation. You have your own thoughts, your own perceptions, and the strength to express and confront.

I can see that you're courageously expressing your thoughts, including your anger towards your mother, your helplessness in dealing with things, and your helplessness in protecting your self-confidence and motivation. You have your own thoughts, your own perceptions, and the strength to express and confront.

These forces are still a bit immature and reckless, but they're yours and can help you reach your next goal.

03. Topic separation

03. Issue separation

?

I got the sense that you were threatening your mother in your narrative: "You'll regret denying and undermining me. I'll lose confidence and motivation, and show you what your actions have brought about!"

I got the sense that you were threatening your mother in your narrative: "If you keep denying and undermining me, I'll destroy myself, lose confidence and motivation, and show you what your actions have brought about!"

?

This makes me really sad.

I'm really sad about this.

In this section, I want to talk to you about the fact that every individual, young adult (18-26 years old), has to go through a "separation" from their parents. This includes emotional detachment, behavioral detachment, viewpoint detachment, and the weakening of parental role models. You don't like your mother. You feel that she is negating you, that she is interfering with you and influencing you. A similar feeling is a necessary stage for every young adult. Perhaps compared to others, this stage of yours is more intense, but please believe that there are many people who share the same troubles as you.

Your mother is also going through a lot right now. She might start to think that things can't change anymore and start blaming her parents for being unhappy and critical of her kids. Or she might look for sympathy from her partner. (Gould's theory of adult stages)

So, you have your ideas, and your mother has her reasons. Putting you two

So, you have your ideas, and your mother has her reasons. Putting you together is like putting a drop of oil in a frying pan: it inevitably ends up splattering everywhere, burning your skin, and causing pain. It is something that you have to face. At this time, there is a way for you to consider, and that is problem separation.

?

This is something that's discussed in the book The Courage to Be Disliked.

The book The Courage to Be Disliked puts it this way:

Basically, all interpersonal conflicts come from getting involved in other people's issues or having your own issues interfered with. If you can separate the two, it'll have a huge impact on your relationships.

So, how do you know whose problem it is?

Think about it: who ultimately has to live with the consequences of a choice?

Let me give you an example.

Who's going to be left holding the bag when your mother keeps turning you down and making things difficult for you?

– Mom!

So, these are your mother's issues, and it's up to her how she acts and what she's happy with. Just as she can keep on accusing you no matter what you do, she can stick to her ways of dealing with problems no matter how you react.

Here's another thing to think about:

Who's ultimately responsible for the outcome of your career choices, your choice of partner, and who you marry?

— You!

So, these are your topics, and ultimately you will have to decide. No matter how your mother denies you and discourages you, you can choose to do the work you like and choose the person you like, no matter how she criticizes you.

Ultimately, you're the one who has to live with the consequences of your choices.

It looks like you've come back to the same problem. In this single-threaded cycle, if you don't separate the issue of you and your mother, your love and hatred will always be intertwined. It'll seem like you two are the only people in your lives and no one else matters.

?

But if we separate these questions, we get:

But if we separate these questions, we get:

You can respond to your mother's accusations in any of a number of ways: you can agree with her but not do what she says, accept her accusations wholeheartedly, vehemently resist, laugh it off, or just let her words fall on deaf ears.

And what she does when you do something that doesn't meet her expectations is her business. It doesn't matter if she has trouble dealing with her emotions, blames her daughter, or if their relationship becomes strained. Or if she starts to change herself or takes good care of you in other ways. You don't need to worry about any of that.

...

If you trust yourself, you'll be able to separate from the topic more fully.

Dear, your life is much more than just your mother. You can also have colleagues at work, passionate friends, and a caring partner. You can share your life with them, with us, and with thousands of internet friends.

You have a lot of options. You can gradually move away from your mother and start to be yourself again.

04. "I" description exercise

Since you brought up confidence, motivation, and existence, I'd like to make another assumption: What would you be like if you didn't have your mother's negativity, accusations, and suppression?

? Let's do a quick exercise under this assumption:

Please write 20 "If the assumption is true, I am a xxxx person."

For example, if that's true, I'd be a confident person. If that's true, I'd be a psychologist working at a psychology company.

Let's see what kind of person you can become together.

Come on, you can do it! The world and I love you.

Hello, question owner.

From your description, I can clearly see the depression, anger, and helplessness in your heart. Fortunately, you were able to identify the problem in the process of communicating with your mother and actively seek solutions from all aspects. This is a clear sign of growth. You are transforming from being angry at people to being angry at things, rather than simply being angry and frustrated.

First, whether your mother is guiding you or you are taking the lead, if the decision is the right one, you will benefit from the result. Therefore, start from the perspective of the task, adjust your mentality, and do the right thing excellently based on your mother's correct ideas and your own abilities. The result always has the final say. Prove the good things your mother and you have done in the process of pursuing a good result. Then, use the happiness of your good result to communicate effectively with your mother and reflect on what your mother did right and what you did well in the process of pursuing this result. Show your mother your changes and growth.

Second, you must have your own standard of measurement. This standard is what kind of life you want in the future, what kind of marriage you want, what kind of person you want to become, etc. These are all positive pursuits from the heart, not angry words. Use the standard to measure whether the decision you made with your mother is correct. Only do the right thing and you will succeed, even if it is slow. With a standard of measurement, you will have a deeper understanding of this matter, because you are the subject of the matter. Only if you sincerely accept it and pursue it from the bottom of your heart will you continue to approach our ideal state.

Third, adjust yourself and use the word "mom" throughout the entire expression process. This shows you are a sensible and filial child. No matter what words or actions your mother does that you think are angry or irritating, you know your roles are mother and child. In this process, adjust your perspective on your mother. See what good opinions or suggestions she has in the process of arranging things. Give her affirmation for these good opinions and suggestions. This will comfort your mother psychologically. At the same time, communicate with your mother about what is better and what is best to do. The process of doing things together with your mother is a process of mutual exchange and reaching agreement. The final decision is one that you and your mother can accept. Work towards the goal and you will become the best version of yourself.

Every parent thinks they're doing the right thing for their kids. But there's no objective standard for measuring whether a parent's decision is right or wrong. Kids who can face their parents and listen to them are at a disadvantage. So adjust your mentality, learn to love yourself, find a hobby like sports to vent negative emotions, face your parents, look at the bright side more, and focus on things to do. You'll get better and better. Come on!

Hello, I'm Dapeng.

"She is always right, and you should just listen to what she says, even if it's hard to hear. When she's finished, if you don't argue back, it means you've listened and agree that she's right. Otherwise, she'll keep scolding you until she's satisfied."

The mother keeps doing this for two reasons. First, she has been doing this since the child was young. She has to take care of the child and teach the child various abilities. Second, the mother also has a need to feel that she is very capable, that she can educate the child, and that she is valuable.

I don't know how old you are now, but you will get older and understand more and more. Your abilities will become stronger and stronger. When you reach puberty, you will become independent and separate from your parents. You will become a person with independent thoughts.

However, some mothers are unaware of this issue. They believe you are still a child and therefore expect you to obey their every command. They fail to recognize your growth and maturity.

Your mother may seem to love and care for you as she always has, but she is actually holding you back. She is discouraging you and sapping your self-confidence, as you said. What can you do about it?

You can and should make obvious changes in your words and deeds to remind your mother that you have grown up. You are no longer the weak child you once were, but an independent adult who is growing up. You need to decide for yourself and make your own decisions. Of course your mother can give you advice, but she can no longer make decisions for you.

You should reduce the time you spend with your mother. You could live at school or at the company, which would give you more space to make your own decisions.

When you make a clear attitude and take responsibility for your words and actions, your mother will see this and reduce the restrictions on you. It's simple: take responsibility for yourself and make the changes in your words and actions that correspond to this attitude.

My name is Dapeng, and I am confident this Q&A will be helpful.

Hello, I'm Flower.

The words show a conflict between the questioner and her mother. I want to hug the questioner and tell her it's okay to be happy.

Look for the reason behind the emotion.

She would accuse me of not getting good grades and say she was right and I should listen, even if some of what she said was hard to hear. When she was finished, you didn't argue, which proved you listened and she was right. Otherwise she would keep scolding you.

She just wants to show off by making me look like a child. She pretends to be a great mother, but she's determined to make me look stupid.

What emotions do we feel when we face accusations?

You may feel angry. You may wonder why you are always scolded, why you cannot argue back, and why you have to do what your mother wants. You may feel like there are two voices in your heart. One says you should fulfill your mother's demands and become the person she wants you to be. The other says you don't want to be that person.

These two voices can make us feel torn and pulled in different directions.

You may also feel irritated, frustrated, disappointed, disgusted, or uneasy. This may be because you were too close to your mother and took her words very seriously.

Think about what you really want. For example, you might want your mother to praise you, to affirm you, or to be able to do better. Write down your hopes.

Explore these expectations. Talk to your mother about them. If she doesn't understand, find out which expectations rely on others and which you can achieve on your own. We can't rely on others, but we can rely on ourselves.

When we stop trying to change our mothers

She doesn't understand me or have empathy.

I hate it when people deny and discourage me!

Parents need us to teach them how to be parents. It's impossible to change how they've behaved for decades.

Our mother's behavior is based on her life experience. We can accept this and try to detach from her comments. Perhaps she hopes we will be better, but she just doesn't know how to get along with us.

Her thoughts are not necessarily correct. She doesn't understand because she hasn't looked at the bigger picture.

We know ourselves best.

Forget her opinion and focus on yourself.

She said whoever marries me will be unlucky. She thinks I argue with her every day and go against her! I don't like her! She will destroy me!

If people close to us hurt us, we will feel frustrated. We need to know and praise ourselves. We should tell ourselves, "I really am great."

Make a list of your strengths. This will show you have many strengths. When you see your strengths, you will realize that other people's comments don't matter. You can ignore negative comments.

Focus on yourself, not other people. You'll be happier.

I recommend the book The Bond of Motherly Love, which has stories about daughters and mothers.

I hope this helps. Best wishes!

Hello. From reading your words, I get the sense that you're upset with your mother about certain things she's said and done, and that this has really affected you. It seems like you could really use some understanding and help from others.

I think it's important to recognize that both your emotions and your mother's emotions need to be relieved, and that both can be improved, including your relationship. I hope the following analysis can provide you with ideas and help.

1) About needs

Let's start by looking at your and your mother's behavior and reactions in terms of the theory of needs. Basically, needs are imbalances within an organism, expressed as desires for the internal and external environment.

We all have emotional needs and the need to dominate.

As a daughter, you need your mother's support, care, encouragement, and love. This is an attachment need that's been there since birth.

When you get opposition and rejection, it creates an inner imbalance that leads to negative emotions.

As a mother, she needs her daughter to understand, obey, and consider her wishes. Her desire for control is simply a way of expressing her needs.

Because you're her daughter, she thinks the need to dominate should be fulfilled in you. She's not aware of it herself.

She thinks this is a form of love, which is a common issue with "Chinese-style parents."

2) About how we think

An unreasonable belief is called an "absolute demand," which is when someone thinks something should or shouldn't happen because of their own wishes. It's usually expressed using words like "must" and "definitely."

The mother expects her daughter to act according to her own plans. She thinks it's wrong if the daughter doesn't achieve something. She also thinks it's wrong if the daughter doesn't find a husband and get married at a certain age. And so on.

The mother wants things to develop according to her expectations, but everything has its own development law. It's tough for her to accept and adapt, and she's caught in emotional distress.

Another irrational belief is "overgeneralization," which is when you evaluate the overall value of yourself and others based on one or a few things.

If a daughter doesn't do well at a job, her mother might worry about all of her future jobs. If a relationship isn't handled well, the mother might think that her daughter will never have a good relationship again. These sweeping generalizations are often expressed in blame, anger, and hostility.

It's easy to see why the mother's words were perceived as "insensitive" when they were spoken under the influence of negative emotions.

As a daughter, there's also a tendency to overgeneralize. For instance, she might say her mother "doesn't understand anything," "has never understood me," or "consumes and disintegrates my confidence, even my existence."

Mothers also praise their daughters and recognize their contributions. They express love in reasonable ways and don't argue with their daughters constantly. This is an objective fact.

Sometimes, our own negative thoughts can help us remember situations that make us feel pain and embarrassment because we feel hurt. This can then make us feel more anxious or depressed.

3) The unity of body and mind

Daughters and mothers are both women, and women all have normal biological cycles. From a biological perspective, we can also understand women's emotions and behaviors, and as adults, we need to take care of ourselves.

4) Interpersonal relationships

As members of society, we all have a need to interact with others. There are certain principles for interaction, such as equality, respect, mutual benefit, and self-worth protection.

It's only natural to feel angry when you're blamed, scolded, or denied.

One way to improve your relationship with your mother is to treat others the way you'd like to be treated.

If you want your mother to acknowledge you, don't say that she doesn't understand anything. If you want her to understand you, try to understand her better. Think about what pressures she's under at work, at home, and with friends. If you want her to stop treating you like a child, take on some adult responsibilities.

Finally, I'll give you a little recipe that I hope will help you build self-confidence, adjust your mindset, and improve your relationship with your mother.

Please grab a piece of paper and a pen.

1. Make a list of all the things in your life that make you happy, excited, or feel a sense of accomplishment, no matter how small.

2. Jot down the happy moments you've had with your mom, no matter how small.

I wish you all the best.

Good day, I am Yan Shiqi, and I am grateful for the opportunity to respond to your question.

In reading about your experience, I was reminded of a mother who is similar to this one, who is close to me.

She has her abilities. She married into a poor rural family, is not able to read or write, and her husband is honest and stubborn. She is a farmer herself, but because she is not willing to admit defeat, she started a small business selling goods at the market two years after marriage, raised a college student, and turned a poor rural family into a middle-class rural family.

However, one area where she could improve is in her approach to the family. She tends to treat the family like a company, or more precisely, a small group that she leads. She is used to taking on a lot of responsibilities, from her husband cooking, chopping and stir-frying the food, to packing, delivering and making phone calls, and even how to speak to other people, down to the smallest detail.

She also tends to engage in similar behavior with her child, inquiring about their attire, dietary preferences, and mealtime routines. She often provides directives, which could be perceived as commands.

Now, almost 30 years later, when her child encounters problems and is unable to find a solution, and needs to ask her for guidance, she feels a sense of accomplishment. However, for the child, not being able to handle the problem can lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration.

After reading the questioner's story, I believe you are courageous and have your own views. It seems that you become emotional when you interact with a mother who is strong-willed, and that the lack of harmony and stability in your communication with her has caused you distress.

I should mention that the example I just gave is the husband of my best friend, so I have some familiarity with the situation.

It is often the case that such a strong personality is also caused by the environment. It seems that your mother may lack recognition and praise from others, which may be why she tries to gain everyone's recognition and respect by arranging things. However, this approach may not always be effective.

I would like to offer the following suggestions for the questioner to consider:

If you believe you have made the best decision, it may be helpful to stick to it and focus on the positive outcomes.

It's understandable that strong mothers like to arrange things for other people because they believe their arrangements are the best choice. At this time, it's important to remember that she will likely respond as "mother" and not listen to your opinion. It's always best to do things silently than to argue.

Perhaps it would be best not to expend this power on arguments and emotions, but rather to focus on the results.

2. Consider learning to change and strengthen your own heart.

While she is strong, she is still your mother. It would be beneficial for you to try to think positively and strengthen your inner self, out of respect for her. Fortunately, she will not harm you.

While maintaining your own choices, it is important to focus on strengthening your inner self, remaining firm in your decisions, and avoiding being influenced by her opinions.

3. Offer her the praise and affirmation she deserves, which will allow you both to relax.

It might be the case that the mother did not receive the affirmation she needed, which may have led her to direct her energy towards her child because she was unable to control other people.

If I may suggest, you could consider offering her some affirmation and praise at this time. This might help her to notice your change and stop being annoyed by her arrangements. It might also give you more opportunities to take a break.

Such praise could be about her abilities or her personality. You might like to try it.

While we cannot change others, we can certainly change ourselves.

It is truly remarkable that our own changes can have such a precise influence on others, encouraging them to embrace transformation as well.

I hope this provides some insight and is helpful to you.

Hello. I'm Evan.

The questioner feels her mother belittles, rejects, and controls her. This is related to her mother's original family education.

Did the mother tell the daughter to listen to adults and do as they say? The daughter was taught many traditional concepts.

I think this is because of the author's mother's upbringing. When children grow up, they believe that parents have absolute authority at home.

Parents have different reasons for controlling their children's behavior. Some are perfectionists, while others are afraid their children will repeat their mistakes. These behaviors may seem protective, but they often cause depression and harm.

I'll give you encouragement by patting you on the shoulder.

I'll give the questioner some advice since the question was asked on the platform.

What is the mother's controlling behavior?

Mothers may be strict with their children, but that doesn't mean they're controlling. A controlling parent uses specific methods to control others.

Control behavior can be obvious or subtle. It can take many forms, from criticism to threats.

The parent wants to control you if they do the following:

She always criticizes you for little things.

Threatening to hurt you or herself, for example, saying, "If you don't come home, I'll kill myself!"

Make you feel guilty to get you to do things you don't want to do. For example, the mother might say, "I was in pain for 18 hours giving birth to you, and now you won't even stay with me for a few hours?"

Monitoring you or not respecting your privacy, like going through your room or reading your texts.

Understand why the mother treats the questioner this way.

Why does the mother treat the questioner this way? Was she treated this way by her elders?

The mother learned how to communicate with children in her own family. She will bring this into her future families.

This is how she thinks parents should treat their children.

It's important to understand your mother's motives. This will help you release your emotions, treat her more calmly, and be more composed.

Don't confront your mother.

If your mother is being inappropriate, don't confront her. Tell her how you feel without affecting communication.

Confronting your mother won't help.

Don't argue with your mother. When you're upset, leave.

Take responsibility for your actions.

Your mother is trying to control you, but you can decide how to respond.

Should you face it bravely? In dealing with your mother's controlling behavior, you should learn to control your emotions and maintain a respectful attitude.

Practice speaking in front of a mirror, being respectful, and responding to your mother's controlling behavior. Practice responding to different scenarios.

You'll feel more at ease and in control.

Take control.

The questioner still lives with his mother and can't get rid of her control. To deal with her, he needs to take control of things she doesn't care about.

For example, decide when to eat, when to come back, when to study, etc. The more you decide, the more you can control.

Accept reality.

The questioner can't change her mother's behavior or thoughts. Accept this. The questioner and her mother can't control each other's feelings and thoughts. But they can change how they act towards each other. This can change how the other person acts towards you.

Don't expect your mother to change. It's hard to change someone else's mind. The only person who can change them is themselves.

Be strong.

Why does the mother want to control the questioner? Is it because the questioner is not strong enough?

If the questioner is strong enough to do everything without her mother's help, will her mother's controlling behavior towards her friends become less intense? Sometimes children have conflicting feelings about their parents' dependence. They hate being controlled but seek their support. When this behavior crosses over to you, your pattern of getting along with your mother will also change.

The questioner can ask friends or family for help.

When your mother is controlling, spend less time with her. Set boundaries. If you need help, ask a friend. If your mother is controlling with words, tell her how you feel. You can say, "I feel like I don't have any rights."

"I feel like I'm still a child."

Set boundaries.

Set clear boundaries between friends and mother. Respect each other's boundaries. Agree on your mutual private space. If she doesn't respect this, it will only allow her to control you.

Verbal skills can help when problems arise in your relationship with your mother. The questioner's friend could say, "I respect your boundaries, but sometimes my boundaries are not respected by you."

How can we both get what we need?

If you can't make progress with your mother, you can seek help from a professional. Talk to your mother and hope she'll go to counseling with you. You can also talk to a trusted counselor, friend, or relative. They may be able to help.

I hope this helps.

Hello, dear questioner! Hugs to you!

I am Sunshine, reading the topic brought up by the original poster — "My mother must belittle me as an idiot before she won't be angry?"

It's as if this is a "control complex" that most Chinese parents have, thinking they are doing what's best for their children, but in reality they are hijacking their children's own ideas!

I can fully understand the patience and difficulty you are facing, but the good news is that you are self-aware! This is a great place to start!

I'm so excited to discuss this with you! I'm grateful that the original poster came here for help because it's opened up more perspectives and possibilities for changing your fate. Let's discuss together!

Let's dive right in and sort out this specific situation!

Let's dive right in and sort out the specific situation described by the questioner! We're going to interpret and analyze it together.

My mother is so passionate about everything! She can't stand the slightest hint of negativity. You say she doesn't understand anything, and you're right! She'll go crazy.

She just wants you to do well in the things she has arranged for you, like your job and your partner. She says she's screwed up everything she's arranged!

I said, "She's always interfering with me and preventing me from doing my best! It's like she's trying to hold me back from being the best I can be."

She'll scold me for not getting good grades. She wants to be right and she wants to be heard, so just listen, even if some of what she says is hard to hear. When she's finished, if you don't argue back, it means you've listened and agree that she's right. Otherwise, she'll keep scolding until she's satisfied, and you'll get to show her who's boss!

She just wants to turn me into a child and show off how great she is by complaining that I can't do anything right. She pretends to be a great mother, but she just wants to turn me into a stupid daughter—and it's hilarious!

And I just love it when people repeatedly reject and undermine me! They never understand me or show empathy.

Guess what? She even said that whoever marries me will be unlucky, that I argue with her every day and go against her! I don't like her, and I'm excited to show her who's boss!

She will consume me, destroy my confidence and motivation, and even my very existence.

From the questioner's narrative, we can glean some fascinating insights!

[1] In the eyes of the questioner, her mother is always right and does not tolerate the slightest hint of disagreement. "Self-righteousness" is her way of proving her existence!

In fact, this has caused a certain degree of psychological trauma in the child, but she is unaware of it.

[2] Mom has a strong desire to control, and she is the "king" of the family, controlling everything, such as work and dating! In fact, mom has lost her own life and devoted herself to her children!

[3] In the interaction between the mother and the questioner, the mother takes the reins and guides the conversation with a firm hand, offering a unique perspective that challenges the status quo. She's not afraid to be assertive and doesn't back down from a good debate. She's a strong, independent woman who knows her own mind.

But is it the way the questioner finds most unacceptable?

[4] It's so great to see how much the questioner has grown and changed! He's become very self-aware and has developed his own defense system/survival strategy in his interactions with his mother. I'm so grateful to him for taking the initiative to come to the Yi Psychology platform for help. It's been a fantastic journey of self-discovery and understanding. And now, he's ready to clarify the boundaries with his mother.

I'm excited to see how this unfolds! It looks like the questioner doesn't mention Dad in the family, which opens up a world of possibilities.

I have a suggestion for how we can deal with this specific situation.

First, recognize and accept your mother's limitations and recognize her immature/controlling behavior.

[1] When we were young, we had the amazing opportunity to receive our mothers' gifts because we did not yet have the ability to make our own choices. This allowed us to grow up feeling "controlled" by our mothers as children. Our mothers treated us with the life experience they considered to be the wisest, treating us like children. Such mothers may not have realized that they themselves have problems, and this is the limitation/imperfection of mothers.

[2] The book "Parents Who Won't Grow Up" is an absolute must-read! It explains how parents were also treated in the same way by their parents when they became adults. They simply did not know that people are actually independent individuals, and that every independent person can have their own thoughts and behavior choices. You can read it when you need it.

Second, it's time to gradually become independent and learn to establish a psychological boundary with your parents, that is, "topic separation."

[1] Because my mother controls everything about me, I feel dissatisfied, helpless, and confused inside. But I can change that! Perhaps I am also unable to confront my parents at the moment, so I suppress a lot of anger inside. But I can learn to change myself and grow my own brand new survival instinct!

[2] You have the power to follow your inner feelings, just as the questioner took the initiative to ask for help. When you realize that you no longer want to be controlled by your mother, and when you have emotions, you must realize that behind the emotions is a reminder that you can take responsibility for your own life and be independently responsible for your own life. From now on, let your inner needs be your first priority!

[3] Mom can control you, and she can temporarily interfere in everything, but whether or not you accept it depends on you. When you reach a certain age, just let mom control you, and quietly go your own way. I'm sure that one day you'll grow up and fly!

[4] Distinguish between the things of God, the things of your parents, and your own affairs. Of these three things, only your own affairs are within your control, right? Think about how you can be smart about being yourself in the future, and "not offend" your mother, "give your mother face," and satisfy her "need to control," which is actually a way to satisfy her sense of existence. You can do this!

That is, respond wisely!

[5] You can do it! Learn "issue separation."

Embrace your parents' imperfections! We all have our own unique challenges, and when we face difficulties, it's natural for our mothers to feel a little unhappy. But here's the good news: no parent is perfect. Accept their limitations and free up more energy to focus on your own dreams and aspirations. This shift in perspective will not only empower you but also pave the way for positive change. It's a stepping stone to becoming your own independent person, ready to take on the world!

So, your mother is willing to live this way, but you can have the life you want and you can leave your mother's affairs to her. You take charge of your own affairs, which means you get to cultivate your respective "life issues"!

Third, it's time to find the perfect moment to express your true feelings and attitude! Choose to be true to yourself and seize the opportunity when it arises.

[1] When the questioner and her mother often have conflicts because their views differ, she should learn to bravely express her true feelings. Even if she is not yet able to leave home for the time being, she can have her own firm and clear attitude and expression regarding the choices in her life.

[2] It's time to share your true inner thoughts with your mother in the way of "Nonviolent Communication" (if you're not sure how to communicate with your parents, this book is a must-read). Let your true feelings, thoughts, decisions, and expectations of your parents shine! If you share these things often enough, your mother will see your amazing attitude and perhaps her "control" will fail.

[3] Always reflect on yourself and independently choose the appropriate way to deal with your mother. Whenever your mother tries to control you again, remind yourself:

(1) My needs are just as important as my mother's!

(2) I absolutely have the right to make my own free choices without feeling guilty!

(3) Mom can make requests of me, but she can't threaten me.

(4) We are free beings, neither the property of our parents nor their servants!

(5) They can judge, control, blame, suppress, or deny, but I have the right to make decisions and take responsibility for my life!

I'm so excited to share my answer to the question asked by the questioner! I really hope it'll be a positive and helpful source of inspiration and help. I pray that the questioner will truly begin to take responsibility for their own life and also for the results of their independent decisions. Be a free person in control of your own destiny!

I am a person of one heart, sunshine, the world, and I love you! ??

Hello, questioner! I'm Su Qinghua, a listener at Yixinli, and I'm excited to be here with you today.

A life controlled by your mother is very depressing. But you know what? You can break free from that!

I can feel your depression and anger, as well as your helplessness and self-doubt. But I can also feel a force within you, and the restlessness that comes with it.

After repeated futile rebellions, you have considered giving up resistance, but the suffocation brought on by the high-pressure environment makes you breathe rapidly. You feel suffocated and aggrieved, and you feel that if you don't resist, it's the same as giving up on survival. But you know you can do it! You can survive this!

Your resistance is a beautiful thing. It's telling your mother that you are an independent individual, that you have grown up, that you are an adult, that you have your own thoughts and ideas, and that you want her to respect you. Absolutely!

A mother who is strong and in control is a wonderful thing! She makes sure you get to school and work on time, and she even chooses your friends! If you don't do what she says, she gets upset, but that's just because she cares so much about you!

She wants to pretend to be a formidable mother, someone who manipulates everything, a queen. Perhaps in your family, she is the supreme being, not to be contradicted. This makes your resistance to her increasingly fierce, and in return she exerts even stronger control, for example, she wants to scold you to her heart's content.

She senses your vulnerability, but also the rush of new ideas in your heart. You have never stopped fighting back, and you've been quietly but surely building up your strength.

My mother's accusations

My mother is so passionate about everything! She gets upset if you even hint that you're not totally on board with her ideas. You say she knows nothing about anything, and she gets really excited about new things. She wants you to do what she has arranged for you, such as work and a partner.

Guess what! She says she messed up everything she arranged! She'll even accuse me of not achieving results!

Guess what! She even said that whoever marries me will be unlucky, and that I argue with her every day and go against her!

You fight back!

I say that she interferes with me all the time and prevents me from doing my best!

She is always right, and you should just let her talk. Even if some of what she says is hard to hear, just nod along. If you don't argue back after she's finished, it proves that you've listened and that she's right. Otherwise, she'll keep on shouting until she's satisfied.

She just wants to make me feel like a child and show off by telling me I can't do anything right. She pretends to be a great mother, but she's just trying to make me feel like a stupid daughter.

I absolutely hate it when people repeatedly deny and undermine me! They never understand me and have no empathy.

I don't like her! She drains me, undermines my self-confidence and motivation, and even my very existence!

Let's dive into your conflicts!

Mom will deny you everything and feel that she can only rest assured about you if you accept her arrangements.

You say that your mother has affected your performance and suppressed your abilities, and that she wants to turn you into a useless person.

Mom says you've had a bit of a setback, including the job she arranged for you and the people she introduced you to. But don't worry! You can still turn this around.

You say that she's got this amazing drive to prove herself, without even considering your feelings. She's got this incredible vision of turning you into a child, into a silly daughter, and you feel that she's got this amazing ability to manipulate you.

She says you have no achievements because you don't listen to her and don't do what she wants, which has led to you accomplishing nothing.

You say that she is just putting on a great show, that her suppression and control of you is just to set her off, and that she is belittling you to elevate herself.

She says that apart from arguing with her and debating with her, you are doing something she considers to be treacherous and unethical. She hopes that you can be a good daughter and that she can be respected.

You say you hate it when people deny you. You hate being rejected. You want her to be empathetic. You want to be understood.

She says whoever marries you will be unlucky because you don't listen and you have no respect, which makes her unhappy.

You say you can't stand looking at her because you feel consumed and disintegrated, your motivation and confidence are slowly disappearing, and you've even lost the meaning of existence. But you know what? You're going to get through this. You're going to find your motivation again. You're going to feel confident again. And you're going to find the meaning of existence again.

When Mars collides with another Mars, it's a truly spectacular sight to behold!

Your mother wants to be respected as a daughter, and you want to be understood and supported by your mother.

You want to be able to do your own thing and don't want your mother to get too involved in your life, while she hopes to be able to help you.

Your rejection of your mother made her feel unwanted, and she was so scared that she sometimes said things without thinking. At this time, your mother actually looked a lot like a monster to you.

Mom says she only has my best interests at heart, and I believe her! You say you're just manipulating my life, but I think there's more to it than that.

Mom is a grumpy person who doesn't know how to show affection. She gives things to other people and expects them to accept them without saying no. But her daughter just shrugs her shoulders and tells her, "I don't need it, and there's no reason for me to accept it."

The violent collision created vibrations that were too much for both of them to bear.

Absolutely! Distance can create beauty, giving each other a little space so that both can breathe some fresh air. This is great advice!

Absolutely! Find an outlet for your thoughts, and you might even find a path to reconciliation as you write this.

Here at Yixinli, we love you and the world loves you too!

Hugs! From your words, I feel depression, anger, and helplessness.

If a mother is too dominant, she will not tolerate the slightest hint of disapproval from her child. She will always treat you like a child, expecting you to obey and submit to her arrangements, or else she will disapprove and suppress you. Such a mother really makes people feel oppressed, and they even feel that the mother must belittle her child to show how powerful she is. But there's another way!

A symbiotic relationship of dependence usually forms between mother and child. The mother's love for her child is endless, and she hopes that her child will always be her obedient little baby. However, children will eventually grow up. As the saying goes, all love points towards intimacy, except the love that parents have for their children, which points towards separation.

As the child grows up, when she no longer needs as much care, guidance, and criticism from her mother, the mother remains in the same place, which is indeed quite worrying. But don't worry, dear! Let's put aside our dissatisfaction with our mothers for the time being and explore together what emotions and needs are hidden behind this kind of behavior.

1. I'd love to know more about your mother's family! What kind of environment did she grow up in? Was she also strictly controlled by her parents when she was young?

2. Is your mother usually busy at work? Were you brought up by your mother full-time, or by your grandparents together?

How is the relationship between your mother and father? How much energy did your mother devote to you when you were growing up? Does your mother usually have her own circle of friends and her own unique hobbies?

3. When your mother is in a good mood, it's the perfect time to tell her what you really think and what you usually think about her. You can even tell her that if she really loves her daughter, she should give her some freedom, let her go a little bit, and encourage her instead of discouraging her.

It's time for a change! Let the mother realize that her daughter has grown up. It's time for the mother to shift her attention away from her daughter, encourage her to develop more interests and hobbies, expand her own life, and let go to allow the child to grow. The child is free, and so is the mother!

4. As a child, you can raise your own mental position in the best way possible! Sometimes, there may be an immature child living in the hearts of adults, who needs care and comfort.

It's time for a change of perspective! When mom is angry, treat her like an angry child. Calm her down, give her a hug, let her talk about why she is so angry, and what other reasons there are. Tell her that you have grown up and are willing to share with her.

I really hope this is helpful!