My mother often speaks ill of her relatives in front of me. Is social interaction all about exchanging benefits?

I'm so glad you found this helpful! I hope you'll share it with others, too.

The world is a busy place, full of people coming and going for various reasons, often for the sake of profit.

I think that, at least in part, human interactions are based on "interests." But there are so many other things mixed in, too! For example, social relationships based on family ties and friendships.

It's okay to feel this way, but every social circle has its own value.

In our relationships with others, we sometimes feel a bit envious of those who are able to enter the social circles we aspire to. We wonder if, if we can enter such circles one day, our own connections will become stronger.

As the saying goes, people tend to flock together and things tend to group together. This is the rule that most social circles follow, and it's a good one!

I'd say the same goes for actively making friends, as the original poster mentioned. Not everyone is willing to become friends with you if you want to, and that's okay! Most so-called friends are formed because of shared interests and mutual value. For relatives with a certain degree of family ties, when everyone was having a hard time a few years ago, everyone had a strong family bond.

It's all the same, really. There's no such thing as who's doing better. You can see that nowadays, a family that is thriving is often very harmonious, and those who are full of petty squabbles are often poor family members.

We often think that relatives won't be as powerful as outside friends. But the reality is that this pattern of relatives going after "benefits" is no worse than outsiders, and it is even more serious.

We're all in this together, and the rules within our circle won't change for you or me, whether you like it or not. All we have to do is be aware of our social circles and the ones we want to be in, and remember that we can't force ourselves into a circle that doesn't value us. Even if we try to fit in, we'll only end up feeling like we don't belong.

Friends are so valuable for getting to know each other! It's the quality, not the quantity, that really counts.

In this life, we get to meet so many wonderful people and become friends with many of them because of a certain event or person. Among these friends, there may be one or two who will become close friends. If you do meet them, then you should absolutely cherish this friendship and treat each other with the utmost sincerity.

If you haven't met someone, don't be upset! It's great to have friends, and it's okay if you don't have any. Just don't make friends for the wrong reasons. Most friends you make this way are friends of friends, and it's hard to get to know each other's hearts.

So, there's no need to put in any extra effort when it comes to making friends. Just go with the flow and follow your heart!

And finally, the last word:

You are you, a one-of-a-kind person, and you don't need to live in anyone else's world.

Hello, I'm Strawberry.

The problem the questioner is facing comes from her deceased mother, who often spoke ill of the relatives in front of the questioner, making the questioner resent them. And without the questioner knowing, she spoke ill of the questioner in front of the relatives, leaving a bad impression on them. With relatives on one side and her own children on the other, what was her goal?

? Establishing one's image through others

In theory, if she is dissatisfied with herself, her mother could just tell her directly and see what methods can be used to change her. However, her mother did not do this. Instead, she told her relatives behind her back about her various faults, making them think that she is a good person. Perhaps they also feel that she would rather be unhappy and accommodate others, but in return cannot get children who accept her.

Her mother has a lot to say about her relatives, and the questioner resents them for it. She's more likely to believe her mother's words than her own relatives. When she hears bad things about them, she feels more anger towards her mother for saying such things.

The questioner's mother has two faces: one she shows to others, and one she shows to herself. She slanders others behind their backs. This is her way of gaining attention and establishing her own persona in front of others.

Defend yourself.

Her mother's behavior has left a bad impression on her relatives. The questioner has tried hard to mend their relationship, but has found that the effect of maintaining it with her current strength is not obvious. This makes the questioner begin to doubt whether her hard work is still necessary.

The relatives' impression of the questioner is shaped by their mother's persistent criticism. Their understanding of the questioner is constrained, and they rely on their mother's insights to form their opinion. Despite recognizing the limitations of their understanding, the questioner is currently unable to influence their opinion.

The questioner has also tried hard. They know that since they are more willing to believe the questioner's mother, they only need to do what they normally do and leave everything to time. When they begin to get to know the questioner, they will find that there is still a big gap between the questioner and their impression of them. At that time, they can choose to get closer or stay away, and the questioner does not need to care too much. After all, it is unwise to judge a person based on what others say about them.

Be self-sufficient.

The questioner wants to repair the relationship with their relatives. They cherish these family ties and want their care. They care, and they care a lot. Their actions affect them. Not everyone in this society is like this, and true socializing is not maintained by interests.

Don't be discouraged by the fact that your efforts are being ignored. There is a difference between socializing with relatives and socializing with friends. Relatives are only with you because you are a mother, which is why they can't change their impression of you in a short period of time. Be confident and be yourself. When you are more proactive, your friends will come closer to you.

☀️ Learning: Psychology is closely related to life. The questioner should persist in learning social psychology to enable them to face problems more rationally and find solutions from different perspectives. The books "Communication Psychology" and "The Courage to Be Disliked" are recommended. The questioner must accept that they cannot please everyone and learn to be courageous in the face of being disliked by others.

☀️Accept yourself. I'm not sure what the questioner's mother said about the questioner in front of her relatives. If she said that the problem doesn't exist, then reality will always clear the questioner's name. If she said that the situation does exist, then the questioner can also think deeply about why these aspects of themselves become shortcomings in their mother's eyes, and whether these shortcomings are really so unacceptable. No one is perfect; everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. There's no better way to learn to be confident than to learn to accept yourself.

I'm confident my answer will be helpful to the original poster. Best of luck!

The original poster is really nice.

I'm Kelly Shui, a heart detective.

He's worried about you and gives you a hug.

You miss your mother in another way and try to understand her relationship with her relatives, while also feeling a bit resentful towards her.

You're a sentimental person who really wants to maintain good relationships with your relatives, but there are some conflicts.

Let's take a closer look and see what we can figure out.

[Mom often says bad things about relatives in front of you]

As a married woman, as you get older, if you don't live independently, you'll end up living with multiple relatives.

Your mother often speaks poorly of your relatives in your presence, which makes you resent them. He, in turn, often speaks poorly of you in front of your relatives, which gives them a bad impression of you.

It might just be her way of complaining, but the other relatives are the same. It's something that happens in every family to some extent.

Maybe kids will agree with their mom more, be loyal to her, and love her, so you'll be loyal to your relatives.

If you didn't care about your mother, would you agree with what she said?

Just a quick note of advice:

1: We can also try to communicate with our relatives on our own to build our own relationship with them.

Given that Mom has passed away and people are at their most vulnerable, they can especially understand how you feel. At this time, people are also more vulnerable and long for love.

I feel like my relatives have never cared about me, given what my mother has said about me.

It's possible that relatives don't care what your mother says about you at all.

Could this also be a personal feeling, or is it something else?

2: The same goes for friends.

If you have a good relationship with a particular relative, you can try to interact with them more and choose a few relatives you have a good rapport with.

You want to improve your relationship with a relative, and maybe the relative keeps saying that Mom is a good person, and you want to hear more about Mom?

3: I want to talk to you about good people and bad people. Psychologists have said that as long as certain conditions are met, even good people can turn into "bad people" at any time.

For instance,

Can you tell me why you don't think your mother is a good person?

What if a child has been scolded and beaten by their parents? Do you think they'd have love and hate in their hearts?

Often, we can't see the love in our hearts, or we don't want to show it, so we show it with hatred and resentment.

On the other hand, would we resent and hate someone we don't like? Someone we don't know well?

Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin. Hating behind love is a very complicated emotion, so we understand that even if we like someone very much,

We also hate sometimes.

Sometimes we hate someone very much, perhaps because they helped us up after we fell down on the street one day. The person we hate helped us up, so we kind of like each other a little.

You said that even if you were given another chance, you wouldn't want to meet such parents again in the next life.

I get it. Your mom didn't get along with her relatives, so they all say nice things about her. Maybe she left you with some bad memories. Our relationships with our families of origin are often very complicated.

As a child, your feelings are just as real as anyone else's. So you can express your feelings, your emotions, your thoughts.

Or you could try writing about your parents' shortcomings and their strengths.

So, there's no simple definition of good and evil. Try to understand:

1: When something bad happens to you

When something bad happens to you or someone close to you, it's natural to blame the world. Even if no one is at fault, you might later become angry at someone you don't trust.

For instance, if your mom complains to her relatives or makes demands that are her own, it could be that she has limited abilities, which causes conflict.

2: When faced with injustice, good people are often the first to turn bad. As the old saying goes, "If something is unfair, speak up."

This saying comes from Han Yu's "Preface to Sending Meng Dongye" in the Tang Dynasty: "If something is not right, it will speak up; if you are angry, it is hard to let it out."

Your mom is gone, you're lonely, you feel like you don't have any friends, you always want to keep your distance from people, and you feel like no one values what you do.

Right now, you're still feeling pretty uncomfortable and in a bad mood, and you're choosing to do nothing.

When you have a chance, think about it.

Is it possible for a good person to remain good for the rest of their lives?

Do they have their own emotions?

If you could choose for yourself, what kind of good person would you want to be?

Some good people and kind folks in life, after encountering injustice, not only speak up, but some even act worse than the boy who became the dragon killer.

This is what I mean when I say that people change based on their environment, events, emotions, etc.

Similarly, many people who have gone through a lot will also change their character and become a "bad person."

3: In his book, "Inferiority and Transcendence," the famous psychologist Adler said that people are born with a sense of inferiority, and that having a sense of inferiority is not a bad thing.

On the other hand, an inferiority complex can drive people to pursue a sense of superiority and the motivation to succeed. Only when the inferiority complex is serious to a certain extent can it be called a disease.

So, try to be confident in yourself, challenge your own perceptions, and understand that only when you become stronger and your emotions improve will everything get better.

There's also a book called "The Courage to Be Disliked." I'd suggest reading it, growing yourself, and surpassing your past self. You'll see that the essence of social relationships is the relationship between yourself and yourself.

When you love yourself, you'll see that other people are connected to you, but your most important relationship is with yourself.

This applies to everyone, and relatives and friends can only do so much.

Is social interaction just about exchanging benefits?

When we talk about topics related to adulthood, it's clear that responsibility is a key factor.

Once you reach adulthood, you have to face the consequences of your actions and take responsibility for your decisions.

The world of adults is straightforward but also quite complex, because so many things are related to interests.

Adult friends are often a combination of interests, or rather a mutual exploitation of temporary partners. When you step back from this relationship of interest, you'll find that these people will eventually disappear.

Maybe after you've moved on from this, you'll enter into the next relationship that's right for you. These relationships are endless and unbroken.

Adult friends all follow the relationship of interests, and are connected from the four points of financial relationships, work relationships, life relationships, and future relationships, maintaining the corresponding relationships of interests.

So first, take some time to explore yourself and your relationship with yourself. You can also seek help from a professional counselor to explore yourself and grow yourself.

If we grow ourselves, we can overcome many difficulties and stop fearing pain, difficulties, and setbacks.

I love the world and you!

It's so sad when kids are seen as unsociable and have few friends. But it's often because of the way they're brought up, like in your case with your mum. Why is that?

Your family environment plays a big part in how you act and how you deal with things. Your family and friends are there for you from the very beginning of your life. The more encouragement and recognition you get from your parents, and the more often you are encouraged and praised in front of your family and friends, the more confident you will become.

It's so sad to see how your mother doesn't consider your feelings. She speaks ill of you in front of relatives, which affects your public image. Or perhaps relatives and friends have some negative opinions of you. This may also prevent relatives and friends from treating you kindly.

It's also worth noting that your mother tends to complain about her relatives and friends in front of you. This could be a sign that she struggles with conflict resolution and has made you her confidant. It's natural for children to feel the unfairness suffered by their parents first and feel unfair for their parents. They may also feel resentful towards their relatives and friends, which can make it difficult for them to get along with them in a friendly manner. This can create distance in the relationship and make it challenging for the child to learn how to better handle interpersonal conflicts.

I can see you're feeling angry with your parents and disappointed.

They were the first people to teach and raise you, but they have also created obstacles to your growth. I get the feeling you might not be that accepting of your own personality, and I don't blame you! Sometimes you are also disappointed in your social skills?

I can see you're even doubting the meaning of social interaction.

Maybe you also feel a bit helpless and powerless sometimes. But it's great that you're here asking for help! It shows you're aware of your situation. You've also described the efforts you've made in your relationships, and it's clear you want to do well.

You're young and have so many opportunities to break through the limitations imposed by yourself and your family of origin. What are your plans for yourself?

I encourage you to keep learning and improving your cognitive abilities. Confucius said, "I examine my conduct three times a day," and I strive to improve my awareness through learning. I think you'll find it really helpful too!

If your finances allow, I really encourage you to seek psychological counseling. It's a great way to improve yourself, and it's less strenuous than you might think. Just ten to twenty sessions of counseling will help you explore yourself and grow in ways you never imagined.

Hello, I'm Jialan.

After reading your account, I'd like to share my thoughts and hope they'll be helpful to you.

First, in answer to your question, "Is social interaction only about exchanging benefits?," I believe it exists, but it is not absolute.

Secondly, your mother often speaks ill of you and your relatives to each other. However, your relatives say that your mother is a good person, and you cannot accept this evaluation or this behavior of your mother. It bothers you.

First, you need to accept your mother as a person and her actions.

We need to be clear that accepting something or someone doesn't mean we approve of everything about them. For instance, we don't necessarily agree with or support different religious beliefs and customs, but we can accept them and embrace a new difference, a different point of view, a different way of life, and a different category of people.

We can practice this by doing some professional process work. By accepting our mother's behavior, we can see the reasons behind it from a different perspective. Maybe it was caused by our mother's childhood family environment, or perhaps she thought she was being affectionate, or maybe she unconsciously developed this speaking habit. Just because we accept our mother's behavior doesn't mean we approve of it.

You're in a good position because you've already started with yourself. You've discovered the difference, broken with the past, and opened up a new way for the family. Accepting your mother from the heart allows us to not fight in our subconscious, to be a person who practices what they preach, and to live the rest of our lives with ease and joy.

You need to work on your relationships with your relatives.

It's possible that relatives say that mom is a good person because they truly feel that way, or they may just be being polite. Regardless of what relatives say, mom is mom, and we accept her shortcomings and pass on her virtues.

It's not that different getting along with relatives than getting along with people outside the family, but it is different. We need to find the right balance and maintain the appropriate distance and boundaries. Visiting each other during the New Year and other holidays, and helping each other out when we have different needs in our daily lives, is how relationships are strengthened.

It's important to find a more relaxed way to make friends.

This is also true in social situations. We don't need to pour out our hearts to the wrong friends, or put ourselves in a difficult position, because friends won't let us suffer, and they don't need us to try to please them. In social situations, being sincere and clear and making your boundaries clear to friends will get you sincerity in return. People with the same magnetic field are a kind of people you can get along with, and if they're not, there's no need to force it.

Finally, we can look at the word "interest" in this way. For example, getting along with family and friends is also beneficial. In exchange for the benefit of companionship, we get the warmth we need. So, "interest" isn't so cold. We can exchange it for more warmth.

Wishing you a happy new year, happiness, and good health!