My own family was not a good one, and I am especially anxious about how to raise my child. How do I regulate my emotions?

Good day. I extend my support and encouragement in the form of a 360-degree hug.

After reviewing your inquiry, I would like to suggest a book for your consideration. The title is "Can a Child Who Has Grown Up Bruised and Scratched Recover on Their Own?" This book is also available in traditional Chinese characters. It has not yet been published in mainland China, but it will be interpreted at the Yixinli Reading Club. I believe it is an excellent resource for you, and I encourage you to attend the event to learn more.

This book is designed to assist individuals who have experienced childhood trauma in overcoming the challenges associated with it, understanding its underlying causes, and effectively addressing and healing it. It also serves as a comprehensive parenting guide, providing insights into the essential nourishment that young lives require for their optimal development. We believe this book will be a valuable resource for you. You can access an interpretation of this book at the Yixinli Reading Club.

Regarding the paperback edition, we have checked the major online retailers and are unable to confirm its availability at this time. However, it is currently available for pre-sale.

There are typically multiple avenues for recovery from trauma.

First, it is essential to rebuild positive interpersonal relationships.

Trauma is essentially a lack of stable, safe, warm, and controllable interpersonal relationships during the growth process. As a result, healing also occurs in interpersonal relationships, where new experiences are gained in positive interpersonal relationships, and the neural circuits of the brain are reshaped, thus achieving the desired effect.

If you require assistance in developing positive interpersonal relationships, we recommend engaging the services of a qualified counselor.

Secondly, it is advisable to seek social support from alternative sources.

For instance, volunteering provides the opportunity to engage in interpersonal relationships through service.

Join a support group to connect with individuals who share similar experiences, offer mutual understanding, encouragement, and warmth, contribute your own strengths, integrate, and engage in positive interpersonal relationships.

You are already married, and your husband will be a valuable source of support. However, it is unclear how empathetic and understanding your husband is. If possible, I recommend pursuing family therapy. With the guidance of a counselor, you can effectively manage your intimate relationship and leverage it as a robust support system for your healing process.

However, this will depend on your husband's cooperation.

Thirdly, it is recommended that you attempt to document the traumatic events in question.

It is recommended that you write them down, take a moment to step away from the situation, and then review them. You can remind yourself that at the time you were too weak to handle the situation effectively, and that was not a mistake. However, now that you are an adult, you have the ability to overcome the traumatic event.

We recommend the pocket exercises from One Psychology, which include a variety of exercises. These exercises are accompanied by guidance, theory, and interpretation.

Should you require further assistance, you may also engage the services of a coach or counselor.

I encourage you to give this approach a try. Accept the trauma, identify the root cause, and embrace the path to healing. When you understand yourself better, you can provide a different kind of nourishment for your children.

As a counselor, I experience periods of depression and periods of positivity. I extend my love and appreciation to the world.

A: Good morning. I am a licensed psychological counselor, and I am pleased to address your question.

The issues you are experiencing in parenting appear to stem from two key factors: the psychological impact of your upbringing, and the challenges of living with an in-law who lacks an understanding of parenting principles.

You have already identified the issues in your family of origin and are addressing them through learning and consultation, which is a commendable approach.

You have expressed concern that you are not performing to the best of your abilities and that you subconsciously fear causing your child distress. This is a valid concern, as even when we interact with others, even when our actions and words are motivated by good intentions, they may still be misinterpreted.

In particular, there is no standard answer to the question of parenting, which presents a significant challenge.

It is important to recognize that children are not as fragile as we often perceive them to be. When an error is identified, taking responsibility and making amends through corrective action can foster greater understanding and tolerance in children towards their parents.

If you are unaware that you have made a mistake, it is not truly a mistake. Accepting your current level of understanding is the best course of action, and allow your child to process this as they mature. It is essential to have confidence in yourself, as you have made significant strides compared to your parents.

It is important to note that making mistakes is not inherently negative. However, the constant anxiety surrounding mistakes may have a greater impact on children.

The second issue pertains to the differences in educational philosophies between the mother-in-law and the client.

The second issue is the discrepancy in educational philosophies between the parents and the mother-in-law. This is also a challenge faced by many young parents residing with their elderly parents.

Disparities in educational philosophies and the challenge of modifying the attitudes and behaviors of the elderly can indeed intensify conflicts within the family.

The most radical solution is, of course, to live apart. However, practical constraints often make this difficult to implement.

What is the recommended course of action?

I believe we can approach this from a different angle. As parents, our objective is not to create an unnatural environment for our children.

I believe there is another way to view this situation. As parents, our objective is not to create an unnatural environment for our children.

I believe there is another way to approach this. As parents, our responsibility is not to create an unwelcoming environment for our children.

In the existing environment, we endeavor to provide our children with sufficient love and support to instill confidence, security, and the knowledge that their mother is a reliable source of strength. This enables children to discern what is beneficial for them and what may cause discomfort, have the courage to challenge and protect themselves, and avoid being undermined by their grandmother's words.

Family conflicts and disputes are representative of social interactions. This provides children with an opportunity to practice navigating conflicts they will encounter in society. Those who adapt more effectively to social dynamics will possess greater resilience when they mature. (It should be noted that I am not suggesting that conflicts be allowed to intensify.)

It is important to note that I am not suggesting that you should directly confront your mother-in-law. It is also essential to recognize the love and dedication that the elderly person has for the family. This is a fundamental starting point for her, but the way she expresses her love is unacceptable to you. While fully affirming the intentions of the elderly person, it is crucial to communicate with them with an attitude of gratitude and understanding, while maintaining your own boundaries in a firm but polite manner. (Of course, there are some exceptions, so I will not discuss them without knowing your actual situation.)

I will conclude with a brief anecdote. It concerns a man who sought the counsel of a therapist. He stated, "My father was uninterested in me during my childhood, which has had a profound impact on my psyche. I now prioritize spending time with my son, even when it means foregoing professional opportunities."

Subsequently, after a few years, his son reached adulthood and sought counsel, stating, "My father consistently exerted control over me during my childhood, preventing me from developing independence."

It's totally understandable that you're worried about raising your child to be just like you! It's clear from your question that you love your child very much.

My family of origin wasn't the best. My parents were poor, and I was kidnapped by them. They were also very demanding, and I could only get their love and approval if I did well. As a result, I have an inferiority complex, am highly sensitive, demand perfection, and am prone to anxiety. I have read many psychology books and received a lot of counseling before I was able to heal some of the wounds in my heart.

I've also learned how to raise children in a way that's kind to them and helps them avoid experiencing the pain of the original family from one generation to the next.

It's clear that the questioner has a good understanding of herself and has made so many efforts to heal. She's also made a lot of efforts to avoid passing on her trauma to her daughter.

I'm really worried that I won't be a good mum and that I'll accidentally hurt my child, especially as my mother-in-law doesn't understand education and has some pretty old-fashioned ideas (she's very demanding and doesn't have much patience for mistakes). I'm especially worried about raising the next me (with too many internal traumas) in this environment.

This paragraph makes it seem like your past efforts and healing haven't helped you as a parent. It's okay to feel worried and scared. How does the questioner understand this?

It's so important to remember that trauma can bring harm or strength. And a bad environment can harm a person or make an extraordinary person.

As we all know, a person's growth is influenced by many factors, including the people around them, their environment, and, most importantly, themselves. We all have the power to make choices and learn from them.

Just as the questioner did, after realizing his "trauma," he didn't stay in the "trauma" but began to seek self-help. And he thought about not repeating his own mistakes in his daughter's education.

Similarly, the questioner should also believe that her daughter has this ability. It seems like the questioner has forgotten this, though, and inadvertently believes that her daughter is a "complete passive recipient."

Winnicott suggested that it's better to be a "60-point" mother than a "100-point" mother. This just means that when you're raising a child, it's good to leave some "space" for them to explore and grow on their own. This "space" is created by the caregiver's lack of care or mistakes.

It's possible that the questioner has unintentionally projected their own feelings of powerlessness and helplessness, as well as the role of the persecuted, onto their daughter. At the same time, they may have unintentionally exaggerated the role they played in their daughter's education.

And you didn't consider that your daughter's environment is totally different now, and that she's not the same person as you were at that time.

I really hope my reply helps you out! Wishing you all the best!

Good day, host.

You are an exemplary mother. Due to your personal experiences, you are concerned about potentially influencing your children in a negative manner, prompting you to engage in extensive reading and research on parenting techniques. This is commendable, yet simultaneously, you exhibit a degree of apprehension and concern regarding your ability to perform your role effectively. Let us examine strategies for addressing these concerns.

Firstly, as previously stated, you have already identified the influence of your family of origin on your child's development and have commenced studying psychology and reading books on parenting. This is commendable. As novice mothers, we frequently lack the knowledge and expertise to navigate the complexities of motherhood. Therefore, we can benefit from the guidance provided in parenting literature. This is a highly valuable resource. Consequently, it is essential for you, as a mother, to cultivate self-assurance. Your willingness to learn and your initial efforts demonstrate that you possess the potential to excel in this role. However, if you lack self-belief, it is crucial to embrace the scientific principles underpinning effective parenting.

Furthermore, given the influence of your family of origin and your own growth and development through psychology studies, it is reasonable to assume that you possess the capacity to heal yourself. If you are well, your child will have the opportunity to flourish in a healthy environment, free from the transmission of inherited wounds. This is not a matter of genetic inheritance. As long as you provide your child with a relaxed and happy environment, your child will likely experience a positive upbringing.

With regard to the matter of residing with one's mother-in-law, it is evident that the elderly and we may hold disparate perspectives. However, some of their ideas have been passed down for numerous generations and are challenging to alter. At times, they are not implausible, and the mother-in-law's initial intention is undoubtedly for the child's benefit. Consequently, if there are no significant concerns, it is possible to learn to accept the situation and refrain from excessive distress. Many matters are not mutually exclusive. Nevertheless, in the event of substantial issues that impact family harmony and the child's growth, it may be necessary to communicate with the elderly effectively and, in some cases, even to consider living separately from them. This is a significant transition that necessitates careful deliberation.

A child's life is a child's life. A mother's role is to provide the best possible care for her child. You have already demonstrated exemplary performance in this regard. The ultimate outcome is not within a mother's control. There are other environmental factors, the father's influence, and the grandmother's input to consider. It is therefore important to avoid placing undue responsibility and pressure on yourself. Doing so will result in an overwhelming burden. Instead, it is essential to perform one's role as a mother to the best of one's abilities and to allow natural processes to unfold. This requires a mindset of acceptance and joy.

A mother is just one of numerous roles that a person can assume. In addition to being a mother, one can also be a wife, daughter-in-law, friend, or colleague. There is no limit to the number of roles one can take on to enrich one's life. It is important not to become too constrained by a single role. Learning to maintain a healthy balance is an essential aspect of well-being. I firmly believe that the host's life will be more optimal and fulfilling if she is able to embrace a more diverse range of roles.

Hello, my name is Peng Chengfang, and I'm a psychological counselor.

From what you've told me, it seems like you had a really tough upbringing, with a lot of challenges along the way. It's so impressive how aware you are of your own mental health and the reasons behind your personality. You've used reading and counseling to heal yourself, which shows that you have a strong inner spirit and a desire to move forward, free from the chains of suffering and pain. I'm truly in awe of you and your resilience.

It's totally normal to feel anxious about parenting. We all worry that we're not doing a good enough job sometimes! It's also natural to worry that you might be hurting your child or causing them too much internal trauma. It's so hard not to think like that, especially when you've experienced pain yourself. But you're a great mum and your child loves you so much! You're trying to avoid passing on your pain to your child, and you're learning about scientific child-rearing to help you do that. You've already given so much, and I'm sure your child can feel your love for her.

When you do this, you're actually helping to stop the intergenerational transmission of trauma. The nurturing environment you provide your children is very different from the one you grew up in. You're actively growing and changing yourself, and you're constantly reflecting on and becoming aware of your words and actions. This is the process of turning the subconscious into the conscious. The intergenerational transmission of trauma usually occurs at the subconscious and unconscious levels, when the victim completes the identification with the identity of the perpetrator and transforms into a perpetrator.

I know it can be tough, but the most important thing you can do is try to regulate your anxiety. I really believe that the key is to increase your self-awareness. When we're not aware, anxiety can easily drive us and make us act on it without thinking. But when we slow down, relax, and reflect on ourselves, we can start to see the fears, worries, and thoughts behind the anxiety. When we can see these deeper parts, anxiety will start to let go of some of it. Mindfulness meditation, breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, and other methods can really help us relax better and enter a state of awareness.

Second, try to be a little kinder to yourself. Nobody's perfect, and you've already done a great job! Psychologist Winnicott came up with the idea of a "good enough mother," which basically means "a good enough mother" or "a 60-point mother." It's about understanding that a mother doesn't need to be perfect. If she is, it can sometimes squeeze the child out of the way, making it harder for them to grow. Kids will inevitably face challenges, and it's important to believe in their ability to heal and bounce back. Let them experience a few setbacks, but be there to comfort them when they do. This will help them build resilience. The most important thing is to be there for them when they need you, so they know they're loved and can return to a safe place to heal. This is enough.

I know it can be tough, but remember you also need the support and comfort of your husband. In the family structure system, the most important thing is the husband-wife relationship system. If your husband can accommodate his wife's emotions, it'll help you to better accommodate the emotions of the children. At the same time, your husband acts as a bridge in the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. If he can firmly stand by your side during conflicts with the mother-in-law, it'll help to keep the entire family system more stable.

I really hope these answers help you out! Warm regards,

Hello, host! I'm July.

You're worried your child will repeat your mistakes. You're anxious and want to change your educational philosophy. I admire your courage.

If you can summarize your current situation, you know it and have made changes. You can give yourself more time and energy to make changes. You are a first-time mother, and you will make mistakes. Don't expect to be perfect.

You can only know what to change if you ask.

I have also summarized some ways to help you. I hope they help.

(1) Accept your imperfections. Nobody's perfect. Don't stress about being perfect.

(2) Have lower expectations of your children. Don't impose your expectations on them. Say you can respect their choices and let them know they are responsible for them.

(3) Don't treat children like they're extensions of you. They're individuals. As parents, you should be more targeted in your approach, giving your children more freedom and space. Don't do things in the name of the children's good.

(4) You can ask children for their opinions when making decisions about them. Don't do everything for them just because they're young.

(5) Don't blame your child. They're innocent. Look at things from their perspective.

As an adult, you can sort out the relationship between your wife and her mother. If it is not handled well, it can affect the child's character. If the relationship is not handled well, it may make the child more divided and develop a two-sided personality.

I love you, world.

Best,

Hello! I'm an old-fashioned person.

I can relate to what the original poster said. My parents often fought and I grew up with my mother's strict parenting style. I was afraid to speak up if I made a mistake and I was beaten if I did something wrong. My grandparents favored sons over daughters. My younger brother could go out to dinner with them, but I could only cook for myself at home. I was sensitive, had low self-esteem, and was suspicious.

But as you enter the workforce and become more independent, these problems will gradually decrease.

The original poster said their child has an inferiority complex, is sensitive, demands perfection, and is prone to anxiety. They are probably more afraid of making mistakes, being ridiculed, and being embarrassed. I used to be the same way. Try not to worry about what other people think. The people around us don't pay that much attention.

It's hard to pay attention in today's fast-paced world.

As a first-time parent, don't worry too much about your child's education.

You need to learn to accept yourself and change your approach if you realize it is not right. We all make mistakes, but we can do better than we have done in the past.

There is no one-size-fits-all parenting method. The ancients believed in teaching students according to their abilities. Find an educational method that suits your child's personality, and you'll do a good job.

Your husband's attitude will affect your child's education.

If you and your husband communicate well and work together, and let him handle the ideological work with your mother, and make your views on child education the unified standard, then things can proceed smoothly. Your child's grandmother will not interfere with your views on child education.

In our family, the father of the child stands by my side.

A happy family needs effort from both sides. You can please your mother-in-law to make things better, or ask your husband to help his mother when they disagree.

Our fear of making mistakes comes from the unknown. But you'll be fine once you take that step. If you make a mistake, you can still fix it. This is a process of planning, doing, and correcting. I wish the original poster courage in setting out!

Hello, Evan.

From what the author has said, it seems like her main source of anxiety is her parenting and relationships. She wants to be able to do everything right, but when she can't, she gets anxious and worried about her child. I think a lot of her anxiety comes from her conflicting values regarding her relationship with her mother-in-law in her current family.

From what the author said, it seems like she managed to get over her family's influence through counseling and tried her best to raise her kids without letting them be influenced by her family. However, her mother-in-law has a different educational philosophy, which made her feel anxious. In China, it's not just about the couple; it's also about the two families.

If the two families have similar worldviews, then the questioner will get along with her mother-in-law pretty well and will easily get support for any decisions they make. If the worldviews are incompatible, then the questioner will not only find it difficult to integrate into the new family, but also find it difficult to get support from the elders in the new family.

Has the questioner explained their educational philosophy to their husband or in-laws? Do they understand your approach?

If the original poster just keeps working on one thing, will it be tough for their family to support them? The original poster was deeply influenced by their family of origin, so they understand the pain that their family of origin has brought them. They want to change the situation for their child, but it's not easy to get support from their family in their new home.

I'm here to give the original poster a little encouragement. Since they asked for help on this platform, we can't go into too much detail about their situation.

Since the original poster has a good understanding of her family of origin and is self-aware, I'm not going to go over it again here. Instead, I'll just give you a few simple suggestions based on the original poster's question:

It'd be a good idea to write down the possible outcomes.

If the questioner is feeling anxious about parenting and the relationship with her mother-in-law, it might help to write down the worst possible outcome. What would happen if the questioner fails to manage these relationships? The questioner could try writing down the worst possible outcome that comes to mind on a piece of paper and see if there is anything they can do to avoid the worst outcome.

For instance, if the child is raised by the mother-in-law, what kind of character and behavior patterns will it have? Is it possible to change these patterns?

The questioner can change through counseling after becoming an adult, so there's no need to worry about your child not being able to change for the better.

It can be tough to change other people. Could the question asker benefit from changing herself first? If she makes some positive changes, could her relationships with others improve too?

It can help to identify the source of the anxiety. What is the meaning of this emotion?

Make a list of the issues that are causing you the most concern.

When you're facing a tough challenge, be honest with yourself. Write down the three biggest problems you're facing right now. Pick the one you're most ready to tackle. Focus on that one problem, put all your energy and resources into solving it, and see if there's anyone who can help you solve it or what channels can be used to solve it. By doing this step by step, when these problems really occur, you can respond to them according to the plan you've already prepared. When the problems no longer trouble you, will this anxiety be reduced?

Have a chat with your mother-in-law.

The questioner can try to chat with her mother-in-law when she's in a good mood and talk about her feelings and thoughts. Even though the questioner lives with her mother-in-law, she can also put herself in her mother-in-law's shoes and see if her actions are also meant to take better care of the questioner's family.

The questioner can try to chat with her about how she feels about her mother-in-law's behavior. It'd be good to find out what her mother-in-law thinks and what her motives are.

Often, parents' views on their children are shaped by ideas from previous generations or patterns they picked up from their own families. These patterns and ideas can also affect the questioner's current family. To understand the situation of the mother-in-law, it's helpful to understand her views.

Be kind to your mother-in-law.

It's possible the questioner has a lot of opinions about what the mother-in-law has done. But for the sake of family harmony, the questioner has wronged herself by not directly confronting the mother-in-law, which is a difficult situation for the questioner. My advice is to not release your opinions easily if you want to maintain a good relationship with the mother-in-law.

Some older people have habits they picked up from their families, and these habits have become a part of them, so it can be tough to change them all at once. Show your mother-in-law kindness, even if you don't agree with some of her habits. Don't directly challenge her, but more often try to see things from her perspective and share your thoughts with her, so that she can accept you.

Let your husband know that you think you'll get along well with your mother-in-law. Tell him how you think you'll get along with her. If there's a difference in educational philosophies or if some of your mother-in-law's practices are outdated, you can also bring it up with your husband before bed. Try to get him to recognize your educational philosophies so that he can help you communicate with your mother-in-law.

This way, the questioner can get their idea implemented without having to deal with an argument with their mother-in-law.

Learn to express your anxiety.

It's also important to understand anxiety. It's a natural, instinctive way for our bodies to protect us. When we're faced with dangerous situations, it can trigger anxiety.

Once we realize that anxiety isn't the answer, we need to learn to express it. The questioner can do something they enjoy in their free time to distract themselves and focus on their usual way of expressing their emotions.

Everyone should have their own interests and hobbies, but there is one thing to keep in mind: if you are someone who works with your mind, your interests should be the opposite of what you do for a living. The same goes for those who work with their hands. The mind and body are connected, and you can't get used to manual labor without using your brain, and you can't use your brain without using your body. It's important to find a balance between mental and physical strength.

It might be a good idea to find a family counselor.

If you're still having trouble communicating with your mother-in-law and aligning your parenting philosophies, you might want to consider seeking professional psychological support. I would suggest looking for psychological counselors, family guidance counselors, or listening therapists on some psychological platforms and talking to them about your concerns. I believe they will have the communication skills to help you improve your relationship with your mother-in-law and the rest of your family.

I hope this helps the person who asked the question.

Hello, question owner! I'm in awe of you after hearing your description. It's truly not easy, but you're doing an amazing job! You've realized the trauma your original family has caused you in the past and are aware of your own behavior, fearing that your anxiety will have a bad influence on your child. It's not easy, but you're doing it! People like you really impress me. I admire you for clearly feeling a great sense of deprivation within yourself, yet still nourishing your child with love. When you fail to do so, you will feel a deep sense of guilt under the influence of anxiety, but you're doing great!

1. The incredible journey of healing from the damage of the original family

It's true that we've all been hurt by our family of origin. But here's the good news: the fact that we've been hurt is a fact, and facts cannot be changed. The even better news is that we can change our perception of facts!

There are so many exciting alternative paths to choose from! I usually tell my visitors that they have three fantastic options: 1. continue with the patterns of their original family, 2. reconcile with their original family and construct a new family culture, 3. learn to live with the hurt and lead a different life.

Each choice is different, and each choice is as exciting and challenging as the journey of the monk to the West for oneself. In your description, your current choice is the third one. The harm still exists, but if you want to live a different life, you can do it! You are fighting with a better self.

This is an exciting challenge that arises between the two of you during the process of different interactions and collisions. You are the only one who understands your pain best. You long to be loved on the one hand, and you want to love your children on the other. It's not easy, but it's also not impossible!

2. Regarding the differences between you and your mother-in-law

Your mother-in-law and you have different views on education, and that's okay! My opinion is that there is no way to say who is right or wrong. You say your mother-in-law is no good, but she has also raised a good son who attracts you. You say your education is good, but only the future will tell—and it'll be a great one!

There are boundaries and rules in this, and it's up to you to decide how to divide the rules and boundaries with your mother-in-law to deal with conflicts.

You can absolutely tell your mother-in-law to stay out of your child's education! And you can still manage her in other areas, such as meals.

With a gentle but persistent attitude, tell your mother-in-law why you are doing this!

You want your mother-in-law's support and encouragement, and you also hope that she can do her own thing!

As our children grow, it's natural for parents to feel more worried.

3. Treat yourself with care and accept yourself, and you'll be the best mom!

Parents can never do anything beyond recognition, and you have already done your best to be yourself!

Whenever you are unable to treat yourself kindly, your anxiety will surface. This is your chance to recognize when you need to take care of yourself! Driven by anxiety, you will become emotional. At this time, you will return to the hurtful self. After the emotion subsides, you will constantly blame yourself, thinking, "How could I have behaved like this?" This becomes a repetitive pattern of harm. But you can break the cycle!

Embrace your imperfections and accept yourself before you can accept everything else!

When you're feeling emotional, remember to stop and embrace yourself, care for your wounded heart, and find strength!

And when you come back to deal with the problem, you'll have a brand new perspective!

Before we can embrace new changes and experiences, we get to go through some growing pains. It's all part of the journey to becoming our best selves!

It's amazing how each time you are affected by anxiety, your inner world and behavior change. This is your progress!

Hello, this wise and intelligent mother! It's time to let go of your worries and embrace your anxieties. Let me guide you through them.

First of all, you are the mother of your child's original family. You have grown and healed yourself, giving your child a good mother and family that is aware, learns and grows. Although you had an unfriendly original family and suffered greatly from it, you have come a long way! "My original family was not good. I was kidnapped by my parents' love and they were very demanding. I could only be recognized if I did well. So I have an inferiority complex, am highly sensitive, demand perfection, get anxious easily and have a lot of psychological trauma." But I am also very happy for you because you are very aware of the harm this family has caused you, and you have healed your wounds through your own learning and growth and seeking professional counseling. You are amazing! "I read a lot of psychology books and did a lot of counseling before I healed some of the wounds inside."

Second, you have taught yourself about scientific parenting, which is great because it means you're already prepared to do a fantastic job of family parenting and education. You can be considered an intelligent mother. You are married and have an 8-year-old daughter, and you have also learned how to raise children scientifically, which is a great way to avoid passing on the pain of your original family from one generation to the next. You have done a very good job of preparing yourself, so you're ready to go!

You can be a great mother! You should have confidence.

The Bible also says that excessive worry is a curse. This may sound harsh, but it's not! It's according to the law of attraction, which means that what you think about and care about, and constantly reinforce these thoughts, may really hit the nail on the head. If we look at it from a different perspective, from all the efforts you have made, in fact, your worries are just the painful imprints you have left in your original family. But you're already on the road to change! There may still be some occasional influence of your original family, but you can eliminate that by continuing to learn and improve your mental energy. You will definitely get better and better!

Finally, your mother-in-law may have triggered your anxiety again. You're worried about your own inadequacies and you're also concerned that your mother-in-law's outdated educational concepts and other issues may have a negative impact on the child. It seems you're a bit over-worried, but there's no need to be! We all live in complex environments and we're all connected to the world. Even if it is not your mother-in-law, there may also be neighbors, teachers, etc. The good news is that as long as you, as a mother, are aware, observant and adept at coaching, you can solve the problem!

Good day.

Good morning. Given the challenging circumstances of your original family, you may have concerns about raising your daughter in the current environment. You are likely concerned about the potential for intergenerational transmission.

I believe that, on the one hand, you are striving to improve yourself and to be the best possible mother you can be. At the same time, it is important to trust your child's natural abilities and to recognize her potential for self-development.

The role of mother is considered to be satisfactory if the score is 60. Some studies have indicated that if the score is 100, there is no opportunity for the child to try, which hinders their development.

Your active study of psychology, extensive consulting, and personal growth will undoubtedly influence your child's perception of you as a role model for their learning. Your child will also be able to sense your love for them, which is a positive quality.

The power of life is very tenacious. As you are aware, the story of the power of a blade of grass is well-known. The human skull is very tight and strong, and a seed sprouting into a blade of grass can break through the skull.

Given that the child is already eight years old and has entered school, it is important to recognise that she is not only influenced by the family, but also by teachers and classmates at school. If you feel unable to rest assured, you may wish to consider adjusting the time spent at school and at home.

In summary, it is advisable to avoid excessive anxiety, as this can be transmitted to the child. It is therefore recommended to relax, place trust in the child's abilities and in your own capacity to perform as a 60-point mother.

You can be a great mom!

You want to create a healthy and positive environment for your daughter to grow up in.

You have two main problems:

The mother-in-law's views are old-fashioned and she doesn't want her daughter to grow up like that.

I worry that I won't be a good mother because I've suffered so many traumas. I worry that my daughter will suffer the same harm as I have.

If you can, live separately from your mother-in-law. Each generation lives in a different era, and there are huge gaps in living habits and child-rearing. Your mother-in-law's lifetime habits cannot be easily changed.

If you can't live separately, focus on spending time with your daughter and on her education. Children are more attached to both parents, so your attitude towards your child is important.

It's normal to feel anxious as a new mother. Believe in yourself and your daughter. She will feel strong because she has you as her mother. Don't worry, and be a strong support for your child.

Hello, I'm Gu Yi, and I'm proud to say that I'm modest and self-effacing! I always try to remain true to myself.

A mother who is eager to grow and learn!

From your description, I can sense some wonderful things in your personality, both good and bad. You are so sensitive and eager for progress! When we encounter difficulties attributing them, we tend to think that our own family of origin has created all this, and the difficult-to-change family of origin makes you feel anxious and miserable.

❀But dear questioner, have we ever considered that when facing our original family, apart from attribution, there may be other emotions? For example, we can find out the reasons why our original family created these disadvantages, whether it is the mode of getting along, family culture, language, or ability to make a living. And you know what? Once we understand these things, we can work on fixing them!

Correct attribution is the key to facing problems and finding solutions, which helps us become the best version of ourselves! If you're eager to grow, start by getting to know your own family. Finding the problem leads to a smooth solution and also heals your anxiety in front of your children.

♥Children are a continuation of their parents' lives, but not a continuation of their mission—and it's a wonderful thing!

As a mother, you want your child to be as confident and secure as you are, so you are always eager to face your child. You want to give your child the best material things and be the best parent you can be, but the more you do this, the more nervous we become, the more we realize we can show ourselves authentically, and the more we can strengthen our relationship!

Guiding and relating to children at different stages is a fun adventure! When they're young, children see their parents as the center of the world. As they grow, they start to make their own judgments and question their parents' authority. This is a great opportunity to assess the child's character and adjust our relationship model.

❀ The tighter you hold the sand in your hand, the more will leak out. The same applies to child discipline. From a genetic perspective, they are the continuation of our lives and genes, and have certain similar qualities. But from a growth perspective, they are their own individuals, independent, with their own thoughts. Respect, understanding, negotiation, and cooperation would be a better state of affairs. Of course, no matter what the state is, it is based on good communication.

Greetings. I am Strawberry.

In this society, many people are influenced by their own families of origin. Once an individual has identified their own personal issues, they can take steps to address them. This may involve learning more about psychology and seeking professional counseling to facilitate healing. It is commendable when individuals take the initiative to address the limitations brought about by their family of origin, as this can help them to break free from its influence.

It is imperative to engage in frequent reflection.

It is precisely because we have experienced the adverse effects of our original family environment that we are motivated to provide our children with a different upbringing. In the process of childrearing, the questioner expresses concern about her ability to educate her child effectively and acknowledges that her actions may inadvertently mirror those of her parents.

As individuals continue to develop and grow, so too does their understanding of appropriate scientific parenting practices. This demonstrates the questioner's commitment to fostering a nurturing family environment for the child.

Children are often in a state of anticipation, awaiting an apology from their parents. However, parents often fail to recognize their role in the situation and therefore do not offer an apology. The underlying cause of the distress experienced by many individuals in their original family is the lack of reflection on the part of their parents. Even when they are aware of their role in the situation, they often refrain from offering an apology.

As long as parents engage in frequent self-reflection regarding the efficacy of their parenting strategies and promptly identify areas for improvement, they can swiftly rectify any shortcomings and prevent them from causing significant harm to their children.

Educational methods should be implemented in accordance with the specific circumstances of each case.

The questioner stated that they have been acquiring scientific knowledge about parenting, and that because each individual's environment, social interactions, and personality are distinct, it is not feasible to replicate the parenting style they were exposed to. It is essential to observe children more frequently and select an appropriate approach to their upbringing based on their circumstances.

For example, I have three children at home, and they all have different personalities. Therefore, I can only use different educational methods according to their personalities. It is only after becoming parents ourselves that we realize how difficult it is to educate a child well.

Anxiety is a product of one's own thoughts and emotions.

In the process of educating children, it is of great importance to avoid the practice of multi-generational education and the use of disparate educational methodologies. The influence of a single individual's approach to parenting, whether characterised by strictness or indulgence, can have a profound impact on the formation of the child's character.

The questioner's family currently resides with her mother-in-law, and there are numerous aspects of her that the questioner finds difficult to accept. Due to the significant differences in their worldviews, the questioner is concerned that she may exert an adverse influence on the child, and is even more apprehrehensive that the child may adopt her own characteristics.

The questioner's excessive anxiety impairs her ability to respond to the present situation in a calm manner. An analysis of the text suggests that the questioner's anxiety is largely self-directed, driven by concerns about her ability to raise the child effectively, the potential discrepancy between her and her mother-in-law's views on child education, and her perception of being on the wrong track in terms of learning about child-rearing.

The questioner can engage in a reflective process to ascertain whether they have effectively disengaged from the influence of their original family on their own development. This process entails considering whether they possess confidence in their educational methods, self-belief, and the courage to express their emotions and thoughts when confronted with attempts to impede their efforts to educate their children in an optimal manner.

It is not possible to alter the behaviour of others, therefore the focus should be on developing one's own abilities and those of one's children. When children are too young to distinguish between right and wrong, it is important to teach them that even adults are not infallible, in order to encourage them to challenge and reject inappropriate behaviour.

Parents serve as the primary role models for their children. Therefore, it is essential for parents to cultivate inner strength and maintain composure in the face of various challenges. Parents can enhance their own well-being and simultaneously impart valuable lessons to their children. Self-confidence plays a pivotal role in enabling parents to navigate parenting challenges with greater resilience.

It is my hope that this response will prove beneficial to the questioner. I wish them the best of luck.

Dear Question Asker,

A mother of an eight-year-old child who sets such high expectations on herself, solely to prevent her child from experiencing any form of hurt, exemplifies the profound depth of maternal love. This exemplifies the strength and resilience of the maternal bond.

This also resonates with the adage, "once bitten, twice shy." You have been wounded by your parents since you were young, so the awakened you makes you work so hard. I comprehend your current state of confusion, powerlessness, and helplessness.

In light of these considerations, what course of action would be most prudent in the present circumstances, particularly with regard to the potential for conflict between your child and your mother-in-law? Allow me to offer my perspective, informed by my personal experience.

Firstly, it would be beneficial to examine the possibility that the number of internal traumas may be excessive.

As previously stated, are these internal traumas, such as low self-esteem, high sensitivity, perfectionism, and anxiety, truly exclusive to you? Were they genuinely formed due to your upbringing by your parents?

A survey would likely yield a result of at least 80% of respondents having experienced one or more of the traumas mentioned. This appears to be a common human experience. If these experiences are not excessive, but rather contribute to one's life in some way, it is important to understand how.

It is evident that you have acquired considerable knowledge about psychology and have also sought the guidance of a counselor. It is clear that you have experienced significant challenges over the years and have invested a great deal of effort in healing your inner wounds. If you are aware that many individuals in your surroundings also possess these types of inner wounds, it may be beneficial to extend the same compassion and understanding to yourself. By doing so, you can create a more harmonious relationship with your inner self.

Secondly, it is important to recognize that it is not possible to raise a child without any inner wounds.

It is not possible to be a good mother and raise a child without any trauma. There is no definitive method for achieving this. It is a process that requires trial and error, as we are all navigating this journey without the benefit of a controlled environment. There is a common saying that reflects this reality.

If the water is too clear, there will be no fish. It is, therefore, impossible to raise a child without any internal trauma. No one can do that. You stated that your parents were strict with you. However, if we are too lenient with our children, they may also suffer internal harm due to our leniency. Another point to consider is that for children, as long as we detect internal minor injuries in time and allow them to heal, unlike you who only allow them to heal when they are about to explode, then for the child, that is not a lesson, but a treasure.

It is therefore recommended that expectations regarding the cultivation of inner wounds, namely the lowering of perfectionist demands, will prove beneficial for both the child and the caregiver. It is hoped that this approach will be adopted and that the child will be given a chance to prove himself.

I am confident that you, who are actively striving to learn and seeking change, will be able to make your child better than you are and will be able to make your child's today better than his yesterday. I am confident in your ability to succeed because I can see your motivation. You are highly motivated to learn and have demonstrated this by studying psychology and even conducting psychological counseling. This is not something that just anyone can do. You have also studied scientific parenting for the good of your child. You have surpassed 80% of your peers in terms of your learning and seeking help. I can see that you are actively seeking solutions. With someone like you, I believe that you will be able to overcome any problems that may arise.

In other words, if the child has a minor psychological trauma and is preoccupied with past experiences, how might it be able to overcome these issues under your guidance? I have great confidence in your ability to provide a nurturing and supportive environment for the child, even if there are some perceived shortcomings on the part of the child's maternal grandmother. I believe you will also recognize these perceived shortcomings as potential sources of growth for the child. I am certain you will succeed in this endeavor.

Ultimately, it is advisable to begin without the expectation of attaining perfection. Regardless of one's actions, the child will continue to love the parent. It is important to recognize that all parents are loved by their children and that society at large holds them in high regard.

First and foremost, we are both new to the roles of both children and parents. Therefore, we should avoid placing undue pressure on ourselves to be perfect mothers. Instead, we should set ourselves the goal of becoming mothers who are qualified to listen to their children's hearts.

My child is now eight years old, and I am able to communicate with her in a manner that is both respectful and conducive to open dialogue. I can ask for her opinion, respect her ideas, guide her in establishing positive values, explain why I ask her to do things she doesn't understand yet, involve her in making decisions about family matters, and cultivate her ability to make independent choices. When she gets older, such as in high school or university, I will communicate directly with her and ask her for her thoughts on me, taking into account her actual maturity.

You can advance together with your children and learn how to interact effectively.

The childhood of many people is actually your childhood. The family education model is not optimal and not widely accepted. No family is perfect, as no one is a perfect person. There will always be advantages and disadvantages, but we can learn from our original family. We can learn the positive aspects of our parents and avoid the negative aspects. I believe that in your education process, you will not be a mother who "cries poverty" like a child. This is what we have learned from our parents.

The same approach can be used with the older generation's methods of education. You can inquire with your mother-in-law about the rationale behind her approach to teaching her children. You may even gain insight into the reasons behind your parents' methods of education. The older generation's educational philosophies are different from those of the present, but they have still raised our generation of children. There is, therefore, an opportunity to learn from them and avoid the unreasonable things.

It would be advisable to encourage your husband to communicate with your mother-in-law on this matter. It should be noted that your mother-in-law is not your biological mother, and therefore, there are certain topics that are not appropriate for discussion. It is therefore important to ensure that you and your husband adopt a similar approach to education.

Depending on your circumstances, you will be aware that your child is growing up and that their development encompasses more than just their physical needs. Their psychological state is also a key consideration. Additionally, your daughter is a girl, and her thoughts and emotions will be influenced by her gender. However, there are also advantages. We have grown up with our daughter, which has given us insight into her thought processes and feelings at each age stage. This allows us to pay attention to her needs without placing undue pressure on her.

In addition to studying psychology and self-improvement, it is also important to give yourself credit for your achievements. It is natural to have concerns about one's performance as a parent, but it is essential to recognize that you are already doing a commendable job and are consistently making strides towards improvement. With this mindset, you will continue to excel in the future.

Hello, I hope my answer can be of some help to you.

As a mother, I can especially relate to your feelings. We always want to give our children the best, but in reality, no matter how good the parenting, there will always be some shortcomings. We cannot fully control our children's living environment. Psychology suggests that we don't need to be a perfect mother; we just need to be a 60-point mother. You are also trying to grow and repair now, and you have become more complete through your own growth. Children are the same; they also have the need for self-growth and self-realization, and they also have their own vitality.

If I might offer you a suggestion, it would be this:

It may be helpful to accept your limitations and find ways to reconcile with your family of origin.

We all have our imperfections, and everyone is influenced by their family of origin to some extent. I used to be very self-conscious, striving for perfection, and vulnerable and sensitive. This is not only related to my family of origin, but also to my naturally high sensitivity.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider taking responsibility for our own lives. When we stop expecting too much from our parents and start taking responsibility for all the choices and changes in our own lives, we may find that the influence of our family of origin on us is actually limited.

It is not uncommon for people to have had challenging experiences in their families. However, many have gone on to lead fulfilling lives. Even if you have faced significant difficulties in your early years or been influenced by a difficult family environment, it is possible to change your circumstances and create a brighter future.

Perhaps the best course of action would be to accept our own imperfections. It is often through our imperfections that we gain the opportunity to grow and experience the richness of life.

Of course, we would never want our daughter to suffer the same way we did. But we also need to find a balance and believe that we can create a good family atmosphere and a good parent-child relationship for our daughter. Then, this will give her a sense of security and the nourishment of love, which is enough to give her the courage to face the various challenges in life.

Perhaps the best gift you can give your daughter is to be a good person. You don't need to be a perfect mother, but you can strive to be the best version of yourself.

It might be said that if you can live a good life and become happier and happier, becoming more and more satisfied with life, then your child will naturally be able to feel your joy and happiness, and sense your love for and enjoyment of life.

Psychologist Winnicott suggested that parents' love for their children should evolve from 100 points to 60 points over time. It's not about trying to mold our children into a specific person. It's about respecting them as individuals with their own growth patterns and rhythms.

Perhaps the best thing we can do is accept her as she is and let her become her own unique self. When she feels your acceptance and respect, she may well become more independent, brave, and confident in meeting the challenges and difficulties in her life.

Furthermore, psychological research indicates that children may benefit from experiencing appropriate setbacks in their development, rather than having a smooth and trauma-free journey. This could help them develop resilience when adapting to society in the future.

3. It is important to remember that your child's emotional state can have a significant impact on their development. By fostering a positive and nurturing relationship with your child, communicating regularly, and providing guidance and support, you can help your child thrive.

It is important to remember to relax. Having a stable emotional state can positively impact your child. When you can maintain a positive and healthy relationship with your child, you can communicate effectively with them regularly. You can observe and understand your child, be a supportive and guiding presence in their life, and provide them with support and strength when they need it. This can help your child feel loved and supported.

Furthermore, it is important to note that while love is undoubtedly a crucial element in a child's upbringing, the establishment of rules and boundaries is also essential. Traditionally, mothers tend to demonstrate a greater capacity for love and affection, while fathers often assume a more directive role in the guidance of their children.

It would be beneficial to consider the influence of the father on the child at the age of eight. It might also be helpful to involve the father in the child's education process. The father's support and encouragement could potentially foster confidence in studies and future career. When a child grows up with love and an understanding of rules, they may be better equipped to adapt to society, contribute to society, and realize their own value.

Please note that the above is for reference only. Wishing you well!

Hello, dear questioner, I can see that you're feeling a bit anxious about whether you'll be a good mother.

After reading your message, I felt a bit overwhelmed and frustrated. I can imagine how complex the emotions of the original poster, who is at the center of the anxiety, must be.

From what you've told me, it's clear you're a woman on a mission to save yourself and change your destiny. You've read tons of psychology books, sought out lots of counseling, and have made great strides in healing. I'm genuinely happy for you and deeply admire you. I know the counseling process isn't easy, and it's tough to capture the full range of emotions — from pain and sorrow to joy — that come with it in just a few words.

It's totally normal to feel like you can grow in a relatively stable state when you're alone. But when your identity changes from a woman to a woman + mother, it can feel like you're restless, uneasy, and anxious. It seems like you've put a lot of pressure on yourself to adapt to this change in identity. You've started to have higher expectations of yourself and your child's future, which is totally understandable!

As our little ones grow up, especially when they start school, we'll all face some challenges. When stressful things happen, our thoughts will take on the persona of an inner narrator, constantly pointing out faults and expressing opinions. What's more troublesome is that sometimes it will add fuel to the fire, exaggerating an ordinary stressful event into a catastrophe that seems like the sky is falling.

Our thoughts are like little stories that play in our minds. They're usually based on some facts, but they also include our mind's further interpretation and processing of facts based on past experiences.

I can see how your anxiety might be caused by the disappointment and unease that have built up in your life little by little, which in turn has led to you feeling like you don't deserve to be happy. You want to prove yourself better, and thus you're caught in a cycle of trying your best, feeling disappointed, doubting yourself, trying harder, feeling more disappointed, blaming yourself.

I can see that you are already actively strengthening your learning at the mental level, learning about scientific parenting. That's great! But dear questioner, I wonder if you've ever thought that what has a greater impact on our children is not the knowledge at the conscious level, but more the "experiential" part that we bring to them: how parents get along with each other, how they deal with emotions, how they respond to setbacks, how parents view me... This is not through our preaching, but what she sees and feels in life. At the same time, compared to what she sees, she is more willing to believe what she feels. You can think back on your own experiences to see if this is the case.

So, to get back to the question of problem solving, I truly believe that if we do a great job of being ourselves, accepting our positive and negative emotions, accepting our imperfections, and becoming more stable and internally more orderly, this in itself is a wonderful, positive influence on the child. She has a mother who knows how to love herself. We understand ourselves and understand ourselves, and accordingly, it will be so much easier for us to understand and see the child.

As mothers, we can be as good as 60 points! We can allow ourselves to make mistakes and be imperfect. We can be natural and relaxed, and give ourselves a tolerant space. This is the space we give to our children, and it will be greater. Children will naturally experience setbacks, make mistakes, be sad and upset, and blame themselves. When she fully experiences these things, it is in itself a wealth that belongs to her.

We can be there for her when she makes mistakes, give her a hug when she's feeling frustrated, and walk alongside her when she's feeling sad or upset. I truly believe that if we do these things, we'll be amazing mothers. But if we're too perfect and constantly criticizing ourselves, it might be tough for us to lower our expectations and demands on our daughters. At this time, we might even unconsciously put pressure on our children.

I know it can be tough, but I'm here to help. I've found that these methods really help me when I'm feeling anxious. When we feel emotions, we can pay attention to:

1. Physical sensations: For example, your heart might race, you might feel muscle tension, you might sweat, or you might tremble. These are all physical sensations that anxiety can bring. When emotions arise, try a body scan to pay attention to your body's sensations.

2. Behavioral responses: When we face stressful events, there are three common behavioral patterns: fight, flight, and freeze. You can pay attention to your own reaction when emotions come up to see which type it is.

3. The name we give to this series of reactions in our mind is our "naming" of emotions. In fact, this naming represents our way of generalizing our thoughts, physical feelings, and behavioral responses.

It's so important to bring an attitude of non-judgment and treat the emotions and thoughts you write down gently. There's no need to judge whether they are right or wrong, good or bad. They are just the body's normal response to stressful events.

Let's try to relieve our anxiety first, so that our emotions don't swing too much. We can observe our daughter with an appreciative eye. As for the rest, I think we can take our time. We have our own lives, and our daughter has her own life. We accept and love her just as she is. Perhaps this is in itself a way to block intergenerational inheritance.

I'd highly recommend reading "A Life Full of Misfortunes" by Joe Bacone, "Authentic Happiness" by Martin Seligman, and "Know Yourself, Accept Yourself." You can learn more about it and choose the right book for you.

And finally, I wish us all the best as we embark on our journey to becoming amazing mothers. Along the way, let's remember to love ourselves, warts and all!