My son is in the third year of middle school, and he has refused to go to school for over a month. What should I do?

Hello, landlord. I really hope my answer can be of some help to you.

I totally get where you're coming from as a parent. I've seen this happen with my own kids. It's not just about school, it's about so many other things too. We need to find out why they're acting this way and it'll take time to change.

I've met so many children who love to learn! They tell me that learning is a happy and interesting thing. I've also met children who don't like to learn. They find learning to be a hard and stressful thing.

If a child doesn't enjoy learning, it can be hard for them to feel enthusiastic or motivated to learn. So, how can we help children find pleasure in learning?

When we feel a sense of pleasure and accomplishment while learning, we'll find learning interesting and enjoy the learning process. Learning is learning, and it does require us to overcome difficulties through our own efforts to feel a sense of accomplishment. But don't worry! Mobile phones can easily provide us with these needs.

Let's take games as an example. Have you ever wondered why we're all so addicted to them? It's mainly down to the characteristics of games.

The game design follows three simple principles:

1. Have a clear goal.

Games usually have clear goals, which is great because it means you know exactly what you're working towards. Take Plants vs. Zombies, for example. The goal is to defeat the zombies and protect your territory. Then there's Digging for Gold, where you're trying to dig for gold and accumulate wealth. And Tetris is even simpler: just avoid "death" as long as possible and score more points!

When there's a clear goal in sight, it's easy to feel like you're on a mission. You know what you're working towards and what you'll get in return for putting in the effort. It's no wonder people are willing to give it a go!

2. Make sure you match the difficulty to the ability.

It's so true that having the right goals can really motivate us! And it's especially good to have goals that we can reach, like moderate-intensity goals. They're the most motivating!

Have you ever noticed that in games, there are usually different levels with different difficulties? It's so interesting how when people play games, they usually start with the initial level!

The first level is really easy and has simple tasks. Once you've completed that, you can move on to the next level!

That's why in games, the difficulty is always just right for you. You can totally achieve every challenge with a little effort, and you'll feel so good when you do!

So, people will be totally immersed in the fun of levelling up and killing monsters, and they'll be really happy doing it!

3. And last but not least, timely feedback!

With just a single click of the mouse, you can fire a bullet, mine an ore, or even catch a fish! These are all examples of instant feedback in games that can really motivate people.

In real life, we don't get as much timely feedback. For example, in school, you can't see an improvement in your grades just because you read a few pages and memorized a few words today. So, it's important to give kids lots of encouragement and praise when they do something well!

However, the wonderful thing about timely feedback is that it produces a much greater effect than delayed feedback, according to the characteristics of the "feedback effect" in psychology.

So, they're more likely to enjoy the happy feeling of getting instant feedback after putting in some effort in the game world.

Games are great because they use these three characteristics to give you a sense of purpose at each level. This way, you can achieve success through your own efforts and get immediate feedback. Then, you can move on to the next level and keep repeating this reward loop. Before you know it, you'll be completely immersed in it and unable to extricate yourself!

It's because of these three things that when people play games, they get really into it and lose all track of time! It's a state of deep concentration, which is known in psychology as "flow."

When people are in a state of flow, they feel happy and fulfilled. This is because the brain secretes several hormones during the process, which give people a sense of pleasure. It's no wonder people who have experienced a state of flow are happy to try it again!

And there's more! Playing games also helps us meet some of our social needs, which is great for our mental health.

So, since we know that games are so attractive because of these three characteristics, we can learn from them and apply them to learning. Wouldn't it be great if learning was as attractive as games?

If children become totally hooked on learning, they'll be thrilled to bits!

How can we make that happen?

First, it's super important to have a clear goal.

From what we've learned about games, we know that it's important to set specific goals for children. For example, saying that they should read every day is a bit vague. It's more helpful to be specific and say that they should read for half an hour every day, or read one book a month. This way, it's more targeted and meaningful.

The second thing to remember is to match your goals to your child's abilities.

It's so important to remember that the goals we set for our little ones must match their abilities.

It's important to set achievable goals. If it's too ambitious, you can break it down into smaller goals, just like levels in a game. You can start with something simple and easy to implement to build confidence in learning. Then, gradually increase the difficulty and complete one learning task after another in a step-by-step manner.

This will help your child feel like they're doing a great job and that they can do anything! It'll also give them more motivation to keep learning.

And third, don't forget to pay attention to timely feedback!

You can make a daily list of things to learn, writing down all the learning tasks that need to be completed each day. When your child completes a task, they can tick it off. After ticking it off, don't leave immediately, but take a moment to guide them to feel the sense of accomplishment after completing the task. This way, they can praise themselves in their hearts and affirm themselves, which is so important for their self-esteem!

You can also give your child a big reward after accomplishing a big goal, such as going on a trip, having a big meal, or buying something they like. Let these become positive feedback for his learning.

It's so important to remember that whether it's school refusal or playing with the phone, it's just a way for the child to cope with the problem.

If you want to know why your little one is losing interest in school, it's important to take a step back and try to see things from their perspective.

It's so important to remember that when children lose interest in school, they can often start to suffer from a range of other issues. These can include insomnia, irritability, mood swings, seeing things in black and white, and even self-harm. As a parent, it's natural to want to protect your child from pain and discomfort. But it's also important to reflect on when your child started to change and to try to understand what might be causing it. Is it possible that you're still controlling your child too much and using academic performance as the only way to measure their success?

If we can't see our kids' needs, or don't understand, respect, accept, and support them, they'll keep rebelling. They need our love and attention, and they'll get it by acting out at school or playing with their phones.

So, I'd like to suggest that you spend more time with your child, take him out more often, communicate more, support and encourage him more, find the good in him, help him build up his self-confidence, and help him experience more pleasure, achievement, and a sense of worth in real life.

I know this is tough, and it takes some work on our part, but as parents, we need to learn how to love our children. Love isn't about controlling or changing kids, nor is it about making them into our own clones. True love for children is about respect, understanding, and acceptance. It's about spending time with them, encouraging them, and guiding them. It's about not controlling, not criticizing, and not beating them. Only in this way will children feel happy and loved, and they'll know their parents understand them. When they feel safe and receive lots of love, they'll blossom with their natural radiance. Everyone has the potential for self-realization.

If your child is a rose growing on a balcony in Guangdong, his genes and the environment in which he grows will determine his appearance. But if you always want him to grow as tall and strong as a redbud tree, and you work hard in that direction, it can often be frustrating and painful. Of course, the desire to grow into a redbud tree is just the wish of your elders. But if we can see that he is actually a rose, and that he is growing in a pot, he is unlikely to grow as strong as a redbud tree, but he can bloom beautiful and fragrant roses. This requires us to see the talents and potential of our children and help them become themselves, rather than becoming the "perfect expectation" in our hearts.

I truly believe that as long as your little one feels your respect, care, understanding, and acceptance, he or she will flourish and grow in the way that is best for them.

Wishing you all the best!

Hello, I am a heart exploration coach, Fei Yun. I can empathize with your concern for your child.

If you could take a deep breath and calm yourself down as much as possible, there are always more than three solutions to every problem. Let's take a look.

1. Consider letting go of your judgments:

It is understandable that you are anxious about your child being at home for over a month. It is natural to have concerns about their wellbeing and academic performance.

Perhaps you are concerned that your child may develop an aversion to learning, or that their academic performance and future prospects may be negatively affected by their absence from school. You may also be worried about what has happened to your child or what negative experiences they may have encountered.

If we are to solve a problem, it would be helpful to first resolve the emotions involved. Similarly, if we are to help our children, it would be beneficial to adjust our mindset as parents.

It may be helpful for parents to consider that letting go of these judgments could allow them to see the problem more clearly.

It may be helpful for parents to consider that letting go of these judgments could allow them to see the problem more clearly.

I believe there is a cause for every effect. I think we can only solve a problem more effectively if we have found its cause.

I believe there is always a cause and effect for everything. I think we can only solve problems more effectively if we find the cause.

It would also be helpful to ascertain whether the child's academic performance is relatively strong or relatively weak.

If a child does indeed become unmotivated, it may prove more challenging for a child with good grades to resume their schooling. This is because, once the underlying cause has been identified, the initial step is to rebuild their confidence, which can often be a delicate process.

For instance, you might consider helping him redefine the concept of "success" in a way that is not solely based on academic performance, but also on his willingness to put in 100% effort to achieve good results.

It might be helpful to try using the five steps of "stop, watch, listen, and do" to empathize and accompany your child in finding the cause of the problem.

2. You might like to try using the five steps of "stop, watch, listen, and do" to empathize and accompany your child in finding the cause of the problem.

It would be beneficial to take a moment to pause and fully engage with your child's emotions and the challenges they are facing.

It is important to avoid judging and labelling situations as "school refusal" or similar.

It is important to avoid judging and labelling the situation as school refusal or similar.

It would be beneficial to observe the child's reaction in order to gather more useful information to facilitate a final judgment.

Listen: Listen with your ears, your eyes, and, most importantly, your heart. It is important to let your child feel safe and protected with you. Try to understand your child's emotions and needs.

It would be beneficial to show him respect, understanding, trust, and support, whether through words or actions (a pat on the shoulder, a hug, an encouraging word, etc.). It is important to let him feel the strength you give him.

It may be helpful to consider guiding your child first and then finding a way to solve the problem yourself.

It might be helpful to consider guiding the child first and then finding a way to solve the problem yourself.

I can fully understand your feelings at the moment. I believe that, compared to learning and grades, the physical and mental health of your child is of greater importance.

If you feel it would be helpful, you can also consider seeking professional psychological counseling. It is important to remember that your own emotions can affect your child, so it is essential to take care of yourself first to ensure you are in a position to support your child.

If you feel it would be helpful, you can also consider seeking professional psychological counseling. It's important to remember that the most crucial thing is to first adjust your own emotions as a parent, so that your child is not affected and disturbed again.

I hope these suggestions are helpful to you. I also want to express my love for you and for the world.

If you would like to continue the conversation, please click on "Find a Coach" in the top right corner or at the bottom of the page. I would be delighted to work with you one-on-one as we move forward.

Hello. It is a fact that parents are troubled when their children do not go to school, particularly at the crucial point of entering high school in the third year.

I need to know why you're not going to school.

Has the child expressed any difficulties with learning?

Is it academic pressure or a relationship conflict?

Tell me, why do you think you can't get into high school? Is it because of your grades? Or is it for some other reason?

Parents should first try to calm down without judging or criticizing and talk to the child to find out what's on his mind. All behaviors have a reason behind them. Only by understanding the reason can we start to help the child. If we only see the child's behavior of not going to school without understanding the reason, we can only worry about it.

How should it be dealt with?

As previously stated, the first step is to identify the underlying cause. If the reason is unclear or the child is reluctant to communicate, it is crucial not to become anxious or force the child to return to school prematurely. Instead, it is essential to provide the child with the necessary space and time to adjust on their own. However, it is vital to maintain a clear and consistent approach.

If you don't go to school, your parents don't know what's going on. If you have a good reason for not going but haven't told them, give them time to adjust. Then go back to school. But tell them what you're thinking. They worry. If you're having a hard time, tell them. They'll help. But if there's no clear reason, they can't agree you keep not going. After a period of time, tell them what's going on. They'll decide how to deal with it. Follow our agreed-upon method.

I would like to know how I can help my child to understand.

It is important to communicate with your child calmly. If your child is reluctant to express themselves, you should find out what's going on at school through the teacher, what's going on with their peers through their friends, find their peers of the same age to communicate with them, and find relatives and friends at home who have a good relationship with them to communicate with them. Sometimes it can be difficult for children to express themselves verbally, but they can also express themselves through written interactions.

However, it is crucial to avoid rushing things, take a step back, and allow more space and time.

Tell me how you get along at home.

If the child is not going to school and is at home, parents should not take special leave to stay at home with the child. They should not let the child's non-attendance affect the normal life of the family. They should maintain a normal routine. Parents should not be overly anxious, overly critical, or accusatory. They should find an appropriate time to talk with the child, starting with everyday life. They should mainly share about their work, life, and interpersonal relationships. If the child has already clearly refused to discuss the topic of going to school, they should first return to the parent-child relationship. They should care for, pay attention to, and accept the child with warmth and tolerance. They should wait for the child to express themselves.

Finally, if a child stays at home for a long time, is reluctant to go to school, has a poor emotional state, and has irregular eating, sleeping, and other habits, you must seek help from a doctor or counselor immediately.

I need to know how to guide my child to seek counseling.

Children at the junior high school stage will have their own thoughts and preferences. They are also more willing to accept the help of psychological counseling nowadays. Tell your child that if he finds it difficult to communicate with his parents, he can talk to the counselor. Ask the counselor to find a reliable institution or several counselors for your child to choose from. (Do not tell your child that the counselor is your friend. This will make it easier for the child to feel that the counselor is on the same side as the parents. If he is not willing to communicate with his parents, he will not be happy to communicate with their friends.)

The idea that the counselor is a friend of the parents is only reassuring to children in kindergarten or the early years of primary school. It is of no benefit to children in adolescence.

There is no need to ask the child to cooperate with the counselor or listen to the counselor. The child's willingness to meet with the counselor is sufficient. Parents should not be involved in whether or not the child listens and cooperates.