My younger brother is getting married, and my father wants me to lend him money. I'm furious. Who's lucky, Fan Shengmei or me?

I'll give you a hug. Let's figure out the reality together and see if I can give you any helpful advice.

You mentioned your parents are adoptive. You're really grateful to them and want to repay them.

2. It seems like you think that foster parents' love is not as great as biological parents' love. You even said that you want to repay your foster parents for the rest of your life. I'm not sure if you wrote that backwards. You also think that getting married and living close to your parents will make it easier for you to visit them in their old age. 3. They never ask you for money, and they care about your life. 4. Every conversation you have is about how much money is needed for what family event, how much is missing, and how much you have borrowed.

It's possible they're not aware that money issues have caused you stress. 5. They never turn down the money you give them.

From my perspective, it seems like the issue boils down to money. As an outsider, it appears that their actions are driven by financial considerations.

This is just my take on the situation, so it might not be totally accurate.

What should you do in this situation? After all, they raised you, and from your description of how you grew up, it seems like you haven't been treated unfairly, abused, or treated coldly. In fact, you even want to get married soon. It's clear that you have feelings for them.

But I can't imagine that every time you call, the message you get is that there's not enough money at home and that money is needed here and there. Making money is tough, so if the only thing you can talk about is money, I get why you're sad about it. So I'll give you another hug.

I've looked into your situation, and I'm open to making changes if you think I've made any mistakes.

1. You were raised by foster parents, but you seem to have a certain degree of psychological lack of love. You've always emphasized that they love you, care about you, and never ask for money. The reality is that they always talk about money and never refuse to accept money from you.

This is a bit contradictory. If this is the situation for a long time, you might start to doubt their love for you. You might even start to remind yourself that they love you because you're afraid of losing them.

As I'm writing this, I feel a little sad, so I'll give you another hug.

2. You seem to be the eldest daughter, and you have a strong sense of responsibility towards your adoptive parents and two younger brothers. Whenever they talk about money, you think it is your responsibility to find ways to earn money for your parents and brothers, without even thinking about saving some for yourself. I don't know if this is a success or a failure of education.

I'm sure your foster parents are happy that you've taken on the role of eldest daughter, even if it's not technically your responsibility.

3. You didn't say what you do, just that you work hard to save money. I think you are a hardworking child who is willing to work very hard to earn money and even use it to bring peace of mind to your family and reduce their burden. What a good child! Give me a hug!

But your sense of responsibility and their invisible, insatiable needs have caused you confusion. We need to solve this problem, otherwise you'll always live in such confusion in the future, which is hard to think about. So I'm going to give you the following advice, hoping to help you.

1. Your foster parents' family: The parents shouldn't be too old to get around easily, and the two younger brothers are both adults. How well can they earn money?

If they're both working, what are their incomes and how do they spend their money?

I think it would be a good idea to find out about their savings. That way, you'll know why they're short of money.

Is it really a lack of money? Or is it that they just want you to give them that much, even though there's no actual lack of money?

2. Try to communicate with your parents in a positive way and do things within your abilities, rather than borrowing money for everything and then telling you about it. In the end, the pressure is still on you. As for how you can solve it, it seems like they don't care. They seem to care about your physical health, but they never said you don't have to work so hard to earn money.

3. Your adoptive parents are pretty clever, even if they don't mean to be. They never ask you for money directly, but they do report to you in great detail about their weaknesses and the family's financial needs.

The more they do this, the more you may feel the urge to help them lighten their load, right? But my friend, not every responsibility can be shouldered by you.

If it's something like a family member being ill, then you should try your best to help out. But if it's something like getting married or getting engaged, if you have money, you can throw a big party. If you don't have money, you can only do what you can afford. Why borrow money to throw a big party? Because you'll pay it back anyway, right?

This isn't your responsibility. It's important to clearly define what you can and can't do to help.

Of course, there's a trade-off. When you stop giving them as much as they want, you may have to put up with their accusations and complaints, and even the breakdown of family ties.

But if you don't draw a line, you'll be stuck like this forever. You might lose your identity and become a tool for them to make money. I might be being a bit harsh, but I still believe that people are kind at heart. They raised you and must have feelings for you, so I believe you can distinguish between responsibilities. Although they may be unhappy, they shouldn't go to extremes.

4. You can also show weakness constantly. Every time they tell you what they spent money on,

You can also mention how much you spent when you got sick, how much you borrowed, and how much you need to buy a house. There will always be many reasons to spend money. The reason for mentioning this is to see if they really care about you. When you show weakness, they will probably be at a loss.

If they want to give you money instead, that's a good thing. It shows they really love you.

Sometimes I feel pretty down. As a family, money seems to have changed the nature of our relationships. If there's no calculation involved, that's fine, but the worst that can happen is that they do something beyond their means because they have you as their backing. If there's only calculation involved, how sad is that?

5. Kids, the last thing I want to say is that it's better to place your hope for love in yourself than in others. No matter how much someone loves you, they'll eventually leave. You're your own best friend. Love and accept yourself, and you'll have the strength to love others. Guard your own inner three-mu-three-fen plot of land and wait quietly for it to blossom.

You'll find that the happiness you feel after breaking free from the shackles is enough to support you as you go deeper into life.

You are a commendable daughter and sister, but you have incurred significant costs to obtain these two attributes. It is crucial to recognize that girls must first learn to love themselves, particularly in your family's circumstances. It is imperative to plan for yourself, as your parents and younger brother are unlikely to do so on your behalf.

I will now share my own life experience in the hope that it will be of some help to you. I am one of four siblings. I am the third child and a girl. Since I was young, I was neither my father's nor my mother's favorite child. From an early age, I could only occasionally gain my parents' attention by being well-behaved and hardworking.

Due to my exemplary conduct, my parents never perceived me to have any needs. However, when the family required financial assistance, they consistently considered me.

I recall that in the initial post-graduation period, my monthly income was 3,800 yuan, while my younger brother had recently been accepted into graduate school. My father then informed me that we lacked the financial resources to support my brother's education, and that I would henceforth be responsible for covering his tuition and living expenses.

My initial response was one of inquiry, prompting me to inform my father that I lacked the financial means to provide the requested assistance. I explained that my monthly income was limited, and that after meeting the costs of rent and other living expenses, there was little remaining for discretionary spending.

"If there is a genuine issue, I can provide assistance, but if I am expected to bear the entire burden, I am unable to assume that responsibility." I recall my father's disapproving expression, as if he perceived my actions as rebellious.

Nevertheless, I am reluctant to assume this financial obligation. While I am willing to utilize my credit card to cover my parents' living expenses or medical costs, I am not inclined to do so for my brother. I have been raised by my parents, and I recognize that I am indebted to them. However, I do not perceive the same level of obligation towards my brother.

During my younger brother's postgraduate studies, I paid his tuition fees for two or three semesters and also provided financial assistance for his living expenses, which amounted to several thousand yuan. My younger brother is aware of the financial situation of our family and engages in part-time tutoring to supplement his income. When I transfer money to him, I inform him that if I can transfer it to you, I will not request repayment. This is to repay the kindness of my parents. When you become successful in the future, you can provide financial support to your parents.

Consequently, my brother does not resent me for not assuming full responsibility for his educational expenses. In fact, he is grateful when the subject is raised, as he understands that I am under no obligation to him.

Subsequently, when my brother married and purchased a residence, he was aware that we would provide support if feasible and refrained from requesting assistance if it was not. Consequently, my brother learned to limit his expenditures to his financial capabilities, avoiding excessive spending. As the siblings' obligations were clearly defined, they maintained harmonious relations and avoided significant financial disagreements.

Over the course of 18 years, my mother was hospitalized on two occasions due to illness. The total cost of her care was between 50,000 and 60,000 yuan. Both my elder brother and younger brother asserted that they lacked the financial resources to contribute, so I personally paid 5,000 yuan, and the remainder was divided equally between my elder sister and me. My elder sister and I are grateful that we have not become the primary financial burden on our parents, as our actions could have resulted in significant financial hardship for our entire family.

Over the years, my sister and I have been regularly sending our parents a monthly allowance. However, we do not give them a significant amount, as we are aware that regardless of the quantity we provide, it will ultimately be spent on the two sons. Despite the absence of any deliberate intention, we find it challenging to comprehend the predilection of the older generation for their sons.

My parents have been raising my brother and me for many years, so they certainly do not have to worry about money. Consequently, I am not concerned about providing them with less than usual, as it will not affect their quality of life. When individuals reach an advanced age, the most expensive expense is hospitalization when they become ill. This is why my sister and I have an unspoken agreement that we cannot provide our parents with money in advance, even if we have it. We must save it for a critical time.

Following my mother's hospitalization, we came to recognize the crucial role that financial resources play in navigating familial obligations. If we were to claim a lack of funds, as my brother did, it would inevitably lead to disputes over my mother's medical expenses.

In light of the aforementioned points, it is crucial to underscore the importance of maintaining transparent financial relationships within family units, particularly between siblings. It is essential to ensure that all members are aware of their financial obligations and responsibilities, and that they are not dependent on others for financial support. Parents, in particular, are the primary recipients of familial support, and it is therefore vital to communicate clearly with them about the boundaries of financial assistance. As a younger sibling, it is your responsibility to provide assistance within the limits of your ability.

If the elderly individuals are unable to discern the distinction, it is preferable for them to perceive you as selfish rather than as a brother who provides assistance. Given that circumstances may arise when you are unable to assist your brother or sister, it is crucial to consider the potential implications for your parents' financial needs. Ultimately, you may find yourself bearing the responsibility for the expenses of multiple families, a scenario that is arguably more challenging than that faced by Fan Shengmei.

Hello, question asker. I'm Evan.

From the questioner's description, it's clear that they feel their parents take advantage of them and prefer boys to girls. The questioner is not as confident as Fan Shengmei, who knows her own strengths, limitations, and how to handle the burden placed on her by her family.

The questioner, like Fan Shengmei, has a lot on her plate for her family. However, I'm unclear on what the questioner wants. The questioner's self-description doesn't help me understand how to alleviate the pressure brought on by her original family.

These behaviors are a result of the original family's education and the parents' personalities. The parents are adoptive parents, and although they may not have asked the question asker to do anything, their words and actions reveal what the question asker should do.

The OP's adoptive parents exert control over the OP in various ways, to the point of exploitation. They make the OP forget about himself, treating him like an ATM machine. When the family runs out of money, someone always steps in to take care of everything, because that's the price of being raised. The OP must repay his parents, and he knows it.

The way the parents treat the questioner is undoubtedly related to their upbringing in the original family. It's a fact that children are influenced by their original family and believe that boys are the future and pillars of the family. This often results in parents pouring all their resources into their boys.

As the eldest sister, the questioner has taken on more responsibilities in the family, and even the responsibilities of the parents. This is the expectation in many Chinese families. The eldest sister is responsible for helping her parents care for the younger siblings.

It's important to understand that parents' control of their children is not always malicious. It's often a result of an educational trend, a common practice in today's world. However, if you ignore the feelings of the questioner, you may end up behaving in a controlling manner. Regardless of your parenting style, you cannot be in control of your child every moment of the day.

Since the question was asked on a platform, I will also give the questioner some simple advice here:

It is crucial to identify the controlling behavior of parents.

It's important to understand that just because parents have high expectations, it doesn't mean they're controlling. It's also not a sign that they're bad parents. A truly controlling parent will use specific methods to exert control over others.

Some of these methods are obvious, while others are more subtle. Control behavior can take many forms, from outright criticism to veiled threats.

The following signs in parents indicate a strong desire for control:

They will always criticize you for trivial things, such as your appearance, attitude, or the choices you make.

They might even threaten to hurt you or themselves, saying, "If you don't come home right now, I'll kill myself!"

They exploit your sense of guilt to force you to do things you don't want to do. For example, they'll say, "We spent so much time raising you, and this is how you repay us?"

It is crucial to understand the motives of the parents in treating the questioner.

The parents of the questioner must be held to account for their behaviour. It is vital to establish whether they treated the questioner this way when they were young. It is also important to ascertain whether the parents were taught this way by the older generation in their family when they were young.

The mother learned how to communicate with children from her parents' original family. This model is imprinted in their hearts, and it will influence the family they form.

They believe this is how parents should treat their children, and they see nothing wrong with it.

You should understand your parents' motives because it will help you to release your emotions, deal with them more calmly, and remain composed.

The questioner understands the motives of his parents. The questioner knows that parents can only continue the model given to them by their original family to treat their children, and cannot perceive themselves. Is there anything worthy of sympathy? In the past, parents had to bear many responsibilities for the family at a young age in order to survive and to be able to live better at home. Therefore, they also believe that the questioner should bear these responsibilities for the family.

Express your feelings.

When faced with inappropriate or controlling behavior, don't confront them. Instead, express your feelings when they're happy. If your parents make you uncomfortable, tell them directly and calmly without affecting communication.

The questioner can and should express their inner thoughts. If they are tired, they can say so directly. If things are done to the best of one's ability, they can say so. There is always a limit to human strength, and the questioner cannot possibly bear the weight of everything in the family. The questioner's parents are still alive and can still make many demands on the questioner. If they were to pass away, the questioner would still have to take care of the family.

The questioner can and should carefully observe this.

The questioner is a member of the family and should enjoy the rights and interests of being a member of the family. They should not have to take on all the obligations and responsibilities of the family. If a person in the family can only take on responsibilities and has very few rights and interests to enjoy, they will become very tired. The questioner can also tell their adoptive parents how they feel. This is not to make the questioner unfilial to them, but to express their feelings and emotions. It is also to let them understand what you are thinking and what you want.

You must learn to deal with your parents' behavior.

Your parents may control some of your actions, but you decide how to respond. Do you let your parents control your every word and action?

Or face it bravely? Of course, to deal with your mother's controlling behavior, you need to learn to control your emotions and maintain a respectful attitude at all times. This is not to say that you are not filial to your mother, but just that you can face some of their controlling behaviors more calmly.

Speak to a mirror with a respectful attitude and behave appropriately in response to your parents' controlling behavior. Practice responding to various scenarios based on the different responses your parents may make.

This will help you feel more at ease in the heat of the moment.

You must accept the reality.

The questioner cannot change the behavior and thinking of their parents. This is a reality you must accept. While the questioner and their parents cannot control each other's feelings and thoughts, they can change their attitude towards each other. This will change the other person's attitude towards you.

Don't expect your parents to change their behavior easily. They'll change when they're ready. It's hard to change other people's minds, especially when they don't realize they're wrong and don't want to change.

Be strong.

Parents control the behavior of the questioner because they are taking advantage of some kind of inner desire.

If the questioner cannot let go of certain feelings, they will make concessions. But if the questioner's desire is not that strong and they are strong enough, they can get rid of their parents' controlling behavior.

In the face of parents' controlling behavior, limit your time with them and set clear boundaries for yourself and for them. If the mother attempts to control the subject with words, speak up. Tell her how you feel. You have the right to be heard.

Tell them, "I feel like I'm not your child. I want to know that I can get the love I want from you, not just when the family needs you."

Accept yourself.

If the questioner feels that they cannot get a positive response or care from their parents, then they can affirm and care for themselves. Affirm that they are worthy of love, rejoice in their small achievements, and reward themselves whenever they earn money. Hug themselves, give themselves a butterfly hug, and tell themselves that they are loved.

Do more of the things you like and find the meaning of your life in the things you like. Accept your own state. When you are in a low mood, do something to please yourself.

Make yourself happy, and eat something sweet. It's that simple. Sweet things make the body happy, and they'll make you happy too. It's important to make yourself happy without harming others.

Don't allow negative emotions to take over your life.

I am confident that my answer will help the questioner.

Dear Ms. Wang, I am writing to commend you for your hard work and resilience. It is evident that you possess the ability to support yourself through your own efforts, and you have also demonstrated remarkable dedication in assisting your family. This is a commendable quality. Best regards, [Name]

When your younger brother got married, your father requested a loan from you once again, and you felt strongly about the situation. I can appreciate your perspective.

What was the cause?

Please describe the root cause.

Please describe the root cause.

You stated that your younger brother had insufficient funds for his wedding, so you secured a loan, a credit card, and your 20,000 yuan salary to provide the 130,000 yuan and transferred it to your parents. What were your considerations when you made this decision?

You stated that on the day of the engagement, your parents were pleased to call you and inform you of your efforts. You expressed your willingness to repay the hundred thousand yuan, which you deemed a manageable amount. When I heard this, it appeared that you assumed responsibility for financing your brother's wedding and proceeded to do so, receiving praise from your parents in return.

What if you hadn't provided the additional funding? Would your parents have been justified in holding you accountable and expressing disappointment?

Is this what your parents expect from you? Or is this a long-standing concept that your parents have instilled in your mind?

Is this what your parents have requested of you? Or is this a concept that your parents have instilled in you over time?

Do you believe that your parents expect you, as the older sister, to assist your younger brother in marrying now that you are able to earn an income? Is this financial support no longer just a way to help in an emergency, but has become an obligation for you?

If you accept this situation at face value, it is not difficult to comprehend why it is so natural for your parents to request a loan from you. Have you observed that you have been acquiescing to or cooperating with your parents, assuming responsibility for paying for your younger brother's wedding?

It would be beneficial to establish clear boundaries in this situation.

Please clarify the boundaries.

You indicated that you are 29 years old, possess a positive attitude, demonstrate a strong work ethic, and are content with your personal situation. I commend you for this assessment.

You have demonstrated the qualities that young people should possess: self-reliance and energy.

When you are satisfied with yourself, you can see that satisfaction comes from being able to stand on your own two feet without relying on your family. Being independent is certainly a skill and quality that young adults should have after they come of age. Have you noticed that neither you nor your parents have made this a requirement for your younger brother?

It appears that there is a discrepancy in the way you and your brothers are treated by your family with regard to adult responsibilities and obligations. Could you please elaborate on the reasons for this discrepancy?

Please provide your thoughts on this matter.

When you assume responsibility for your adult brother's family, it appears that the distinction between your role and that of your original family is not clearly defined.

It is the responsibility of every adult to take control of their own affairs. You have demonstrated this in your own actions, and it is now time for your brother and your parents to do the same.

In light of the above, it is recommended that a clear and definitive bottom line be established.

Parents may provide financial support to their children in the event of a major life event such as marriage. If they exceed their financial capabilities, taking on debt to support their children is their prerogative. As adults, they are responsible for their own financial decisions.

Filial piety does not include bearing the financial burden of your parents' irrational decisions. When they are irrational, provide a clear rationale, demonstrate your principles, and do not allow them to hold unrealistic expectations. This approach may be the most responsible way to be filial to them.

Filial piety does not include bearing the financial burden of your parents' irrational decisions. When they are irrational, it is your responsibility to clearly explain the reasoning behind your position, state your principles clearly, and avoid allowing them to hold on to unrealistic fantasies. This may be the most responsible way to be filial to them.

What is the recommended course of action going forward?

Please advise on the best course of action going forward.

In order to prevent a recurrence of this situation, it is essential to clearly define your boundaries and expectations.

You have repeatedly demanded anger from your parents. To prevent this kind of thing from happening again, you should clearly define your bottom line.

It is unnecessary to compare yourself to Fan Shengmei. We are already aware that Fan Shengmei exists. Would you simply stand by and allow yourself to become a second? Your parents instruct you to take a break, eat something delicious, and remember to buy clothes when it gets cold. You can see that they love you very much and care about you. This kind of thing happens because of a long-standing misconception.

It is unnecessary to compare yourself to Fan Shengmei. We are already aware that there is a Fan Shengmei. Would you simply stand by and allow yourself to become a second? Your parents advise you to rest and consume nourishing food, and to remember to purchase appropriate attire when the weather becomes cooler. It is evident that they care about your well-being and want what is best for you. This kind of situation arises because the long-held concept is flawed.

It is challenging to alter an individual's mindset. It is essential to maintain resolve from the outset and adhere to your decision, ensuring it is taken seriously. Your attitude will influence the perceptions of others.

It is crucial to avoid repeatedly tolerating and giving in to unreasonable demands, as this will only exacerbate the challenge of navigating the complex dynamics of a relationship where one's personal wishes are constrained.

Initially, your parents may be disappointed and accuse you of being unfeeling. However, you can demonstrate your respect for them in other ways to improve your relationship with them. For instance, you can show more consideration for their daily needs and provide them with essential items.

Provided you are able to persevere, your parents will eventually accept the boundaries you set.

My name is Teng Ying, and I am a psychological counselor. I hope this information is helpful to you.

Money is a resource that modern people value. It can be exchanged for many things as a medium, and in this family it seems to have become an important factor in connecting and maintaining you and your family.

If there's no family involvement in where the money comes from and you're asked to borrow, it seems like your 29 years have been sunny and bright. But that's not the case.

It's only natural to feel angry when you're faced with the dilemma of the warmth and care your family gives you and the need for you to bear the burden of large expenses from time to time.

But family ties must be maintained. Do we have to choose to give endlessly?

I hope this sharing can help you find some comfort and give you some new insights into how to handle this situation.

1. Maybe anger comes from giving without being treated well.

The idea of "male superiority" has been around for thousands of years. As the eldest daughter, you aren't legally required to help your two younger brothers, but morality will take over and drain your already limited resources.

If you don't help, you'll feel guilty. If you do help, you'll end up in a vicious cycle of endless debt.

It can be really tough when no one really understands what you're going through. It's natural to feel helpless and confused when you've been drained of your resources. Anger can be a way to express all those feelings, even if it comes out as a scream.

2. If no one else is there for you, be there for yourself. Only by loving yourself can you have the strength to say no or say yes.

Even family members can't give each other endlessly. You're only 29 and you've got limited resources. You're building your own life through your own efforts.

It's not selfish to decide whether or not to give something to someone else. It's a way of setting boundaries with others. You can only give as much as you have to give if you're taking care of yourself. If you try to give too much and then run out of energy, your family will feel bad about it.

3. Take the initiative to create your own happiness through action, and show your family members how to get along with each other in a healthy way.

A lot of people look to their surroundings for guidance on how to act. Family members will ask how you're doing, and chances are they care.

However, the idea that you should subsidize your family and become a "foster demon" is also influenced by local cultural customs.

However, you can't wait for things to change. You have to take the initiative and make things happen. This process is bound to be difficult and will be challenged and questioned many times.

But the toughest challenges can lead to a rewarding outcome. Building resilience comes from consistently and positively engaging with yourself and others.

I hope this sharing is inspiring for you.

I'm a psychologist, not a human behavior expert. I just care about the human heart. Thanks for listening.

Hello, question asker!

It seems that the family member who is the subject of the question has indeed suffered from emotional blackmail in the family, similar to Fan Shengmei. The parents kept asking for money so that their younger brother could have a good life. The difference is that Fan Shengmei's mother asked directly and blamed you if she didn't get it.

Your family is pretty tactful and doesn't blame you. I'd say you're luckier than Pingshengmei in that regard.

Why do you feel stressed when you give your brothers money to help them out? And why do you also develop stress disorders and uncontrollable crying? I think it's important for us to pay attention to what we're thinking when we cry.

Could it be anxiety, helplessness, or sadness and unhappiness?

"I used to call every week, but then I blocked them, and then I would break down and cry after hanging up." Why did you act inconsistently? What did your parents say when you called them, and what did you think, that made you stop talking to them, block them, and break down and cry?

From what I can tell, you feel like no one appreciates what you do for the family, and you see a lot of emotional blackmail going on. You want to repay your foster parents for all their kindness, and the way you do this is by helping them with practical problems.

But you have limited abilities. To be precise, you also need to be emotionally nourished and receive their love for you, not just give it. But you don't get what you want in your interactions with family members, so you feel crushed and cry.

From what I've seen, you exhibit the following behaviors:

(1) You feel you have to give money to your family, and on the surface you seem to be helping them. But deep down you may be thinking "paying back a debt" to them for raising you.

(2) You only feel secure when you're earning money.

(3) Worries about the family's future. There are so many places where the family will need money in the future, so many that it's enough to make you feel fearful and angry.

(4) Doubt about self and family: Do they really love me? Do I really love them?

Why are we so tied to our families and unable to live our own lives? Some psychologists say it's because of a sense of "inadequacy." When your parents, siblings, etc. aren't doing well, you subconsciously feel like you're not worthy of doing better than they are.

If you feel unworthy, you'll keep trying to meet your family's needs indefinitely.

Given the same upbringing, why can you be self-reliant while your younger brothers cannot? They still rely on their parents as adults and cannot become financially independent. This shows that you have earned your own life.

Similarly, your brothers are responsible for their own lives. This includes things like getting married and having children. You can help them out of love, and it's something you can afford to do. This is just a small part of your life, not your whole life.

In other words, know the difference between your own responsibilities and those of others, and don't take on other people's responsibilities. To do this, I think you need to try to refuse the other person's intangible requests.

For instance, if they call you and say they need money for something, you can start by listening to how they're handling it. If they can figure it out on their own, great. If not, you can share how you're feeling and explain how much you can help, so they understand your limitations.

Similarly, when you call your family, you can talk about your work and the pressure you are under. You can also tell them what you've shared here—your breakdown—so they can understand you too.

We can only love ourselves when we learn to have compassion for ourselves. When we love and cherish ourselves, we feel the most secure. Money can give us a sense of security in our material lives, but to feel secure spiritually, we need to love ourselves.

Similarly, money can help family members overcome difficulties, but it can't solve their desire to be independent or their spiritual pursuits.

When we learn to love ourselves, we'll realize we're worthy of love. We'll meet someone who loves us.

Also, trust that the people in your family love you for who you are, not for your money.

From a personal growth perspective, when you're financially independent, you have to eventually separate from your parents, both materially and spiritually. Your younger brothers also need to separate from their parents.

When children become independent, parents can enjoy a happy old age, and they are then able to support their parents.

When you're feeling stressed at home and having emotions, it's important to accept your feelings and take a deep breath to relieve them. At the same time, remind yourself that you've done your best and believe in their ability to take responsibility for themselves.

Just a heads-up, the above suggestions are for reference only.

I hope these tips are helpful. Best regards!

I hope this helps.

You seem to be using money to maintain family relationships. You say you find it difficult to feel love because "love" is not expressed with money. Love is a feeling of warmth, care, and happiness.

Have they ever shown you this kind of love?

You feel you can repay them by solving their "money" problems. They mainly connect with you through "money." So, you feel frustrated and anxious if you don't earn as much as they need. This makes you feel they will abandon you. Just like when you were a child, you paid extra attention to their needs because you were afraid they would abandon you.

Also, did your parents connect with you through money? Did they say things like, "We've spent a lot of money on you"? Look back on your childhood to understand yourself better and see why you've always used money to connect with them.

How can you change this?

First, believe you can change. Then, see that your family issues cause this. Next, strengthen your sense of self-worth, accept yourself, love yourself, and become strong.

It's hard to accept and love yourself. But it's important and the first step to change.

Many people are just like you. They were born not knowing how to love and accept themselves. But they learned to do so through practice and growth. You can too!

Here are some ways to accept yourself:

1. Set a goal of self-acceptance.

Psychologist Jeffrey Zimbardo says self-acceptance begins with intention. We should set a goal to transform a world of blame, doubt, and shame into one of inclusion, acceptance, and trust.

Psychologist Geoffrey Sumner says self-acceptance begins with intention. We should set a goal to transform a world of blame, doubt, and shame into one of inclusion, acceptance, and trust. Self-loathing does not lead to a satisfying life.

Sambur said, "If I accept myself, I'll live a better life."

Record your strengths.

Write down one of your strengths every day. Affirm your value and play to your strengths.

Today, we can make up for our weaknesses through cooperation. Our strengths show our unique value.

3. Get support from others.

Spend time with people who love and accept you.

4. Talk to yourself.

Imagine your best self is looking at your current situation. What would it suggest you do?

This visualization helps you move beyond your current self and access your inner wisdom to promote healing.

This exercise teaches us to be our own best parents and show love and compassion for ourselves. You can do it when you need some guidance or comfort.

5. Be like the person you want to be.

If you don't think you're valuable, make yourself valuable. Only when we accept ourselves can we forgive our mistakes and stop needing others' approval.

We all make mistakes. But our identity is not defined by our mistakes.

Believe that you are worthy of love. You are valuable and important, even if you have shortcomings or if your parents are adoptive. The sun shines on everyone, but you need to come out of your cave to feel its light and warmth.

Stay strong!

My family loves me, right? They never ask me for money. They just tell me who I owe and how much I still haven't paid. It's not like they have to tell me. I'll ask them myself. And then I'll earn the money and give it to them. But I don't remember how much I've given them. Probably not much. I don't remember at all. I just remember that I got my credit card approved for 50,000 yuan in the early 20s and gave it to my family. I just want them to be happy and to be able to help them. Logically, they love me very much, and I love them very much too. But I don't have any love in my heart. I can give them money, I can go into debt to give them money, as long as they need it. But I can't give them love. I used to call them every week, and then I blocked their number. After that, I'd break down and cry after I hung up. In 2011, I even developed post-traumatic stress disorder because my family needed money.

I had no control over my crying and breakdowns. Once I had earned some money, though, things improved. I have to learn to tolerate things better. I was taught from a young age to do so.

Xiao Chan's response was as follows:

1. [Your needs] This is not a matter of luck. The problem is not caused by external factors or others; it is a matter of personal need. If the problem is caused by external factors or others, it can be considered unfortunate. However, if the problem is a result of personal initiative, it cannot be classified as unfortunate.

The family never requested financial assistance, yet the subject proactively inquired about their financial needs and offered to provide loans. The father merely stated that they would assist in repaying the 20,000 yuan borrowed from the uncle.

You did not indicate that you would repay the loan, yet you are expressing discontent. Your father stated that your brother is still short of 40,000 to 50,000 yuan, but he did not request that you provide him with the funds.

It is evident that you are the individual who inquires about the utilization of the funds, while exhibiting a discernible degree of satisfaction. It is apparent that you possess this particular desire.

Your father is providing you with the opportunity to satisfy your needs.

2. [Stay true to your original intentions] Your parents call to thank you, and you say, "It's only a hundred thousand yuan." What this signifies is that you are not grateful for their gratitude and that you are not willing to contribute more than the aforementioned sum of money to the family.

Subsequently, your parents will immediately perceive that their concerns were unwarranted.

Given your penchant for assuming a grandiose persona in the presence of others, it is imperative that you adhere to your initial resolve and remain steadfast in your convictions. Attempting to portray oneself as a prominent figure while simultaneously eschewing the associated responsibilities and subsequently refusing to provide assistance when the family is in need, is a morally reprehensible act.

You have already established a persona for your family: an individual who possesses considerable wealth but lacks discernment, thereby assuming the burden of responsibility. This is the established narrative.

3. [Pay attention to yourself] As you have already assisted these 130,000 individuals, this endeavor is now concluded. Additionally, you have involved your younger brother in this undertaking. Consequently, your younger brother, who originally owed you a favor, now harbors only feelings of animosity and resentment towards you.

My younger brother also exhibits a lack of appreciation. He views your actions as meddlesome and intrusive.

Those who are unable to manage themselves will attempt to manage others. Those who are unhappy in their own lives will seek to make others happy. Those who require assistance will consistently attempt to provide help to others. Those who lack love will demand it. It is your demands and your dependence on your family that allow them to exert control over you.

Those who are financially disadvantaged are less likely to receive love and affection from their loved ones, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and distress. Conversely, those who are financially secure may receive a modicum of love and affection from their loved ones.

Therefore, it can be concluded that the family does not love the individual because the individual does not love themselves. It is unlikely that anyone would love someone who does not love themselves. If the individual feels that the current relationship is positive and enjoyable, they may choose to accept the status quo.

In the event that one experiences discomfort and a sense of being constrained, it is imperative to prioritize self-care. What, then, constitutes self-care?

For example, the capacity for self-awareness and the ability to maintain an independent space entail a greater degree of attention to one's own needs and interests.

It is important to develop self-awareness and to view others as individuals with their own perspectives and boundaries. It is also crucial to recognize that personal actions and decisions should be driven by one's own self-interest. This can entail a shift away from traditional family structures, where individuals may feel constrained by familial obligations and expectations.

It is recommended that individuals cultivate their own interests and hobbies and form their own social networks. It is also advised that they direct more attention towards themselves, including matters such as career advancement, interpersonal relationships, and romantic partnerships.

Hello! From what you've told me, it seems like you're carrying a lot of stress right now. Before you took out the loan, you were happy with yourself as a sunny girl. But now, you're dealing with debt, and it's changed you. Your younger brother wants to get married, but he doesn't have the money. It's something he and his partner need to figure out. You might want to think about changing the financial situation. Your parents could help by encouraging your younger brother to get married sooner. You said that your family has never asked you for money. In fact, your father's silence is probably better than asking you for money. And your father's words seem to be staying out of it. It feels like you're playing the role of your father, or the situation in your family. Your younger brother once committed a crime and owed a debt. Your elder brother lent 90,000 yuan, which made you feel sorry for your parents. You're very thoughtful and cautious. Given your age and the two younger brothers, you gave the money to your elder brother but not the same amount to your younger brother. There will always be a gap between the brothers. So you held a family meeting to arrange the work. The parents are in charge, and you bear the debt.

Your parents are thrilled to see you're such a great daughter. You came to help raise money for your younger brother's engagement, and you did a great job. Your parents called to thank you again, and you were happy to hear them.

Your father's words changed direction, and the responsibility of your brother's wedding money was once again pushed onto your shoulders. When you're worried about where to get the money, your two younger brothers announced that they would raise funds, thus showing that your younger brothers are capable and have ways. Your family knows that you owe debts and are repaying them, but they don't know how heavy the pressure of repaying your debts is. Don't look at the easy loan package and see the number of hundreds of thousands of dollars being credited to your account and transferred instantly. What is left is the repayment process where you have to pay high interest every month. Even if you choose the minimum repayment amount when repaying your debts, the twists and turns of repayment will make you unable to afford it. Have you ever thought about the money you borrowed rolling downhill until it crashes? Hearing your father say gently to you that you should eat well, dress well, rest well, and feel good inside, the problem is that when you think about facing debt, you may be afraid to rest well, eat well, and buy clothes.

Dad also said he wanted to pay back the 20,000 yuan he borrowed from Uncle Guan. You're upset because this money was borrowed by Uncle Guan for his own use and has nothing to do with your family. Plus, Uncle Guan has his own family and can handle his own debts, so it's not up to you to settle them. Have you noticed that you're similar to your father in this way? You're both worried about things between brothers but are getting too involved and making yourself tired. Your younger brother has already helped repay 90,000 yuan, which shows he's capable. In your younger brother's marriage, you've added too many ideas, which made you get involved and suffer. It's fine for you, as an older sister, to pay for your younger brother's wedding, but you're harming yourself by going beyond your financial means. Have you thought about how long this debt will take to pay off and what method to use? When there's a problem with repaying the credit card and loans, the loan collection agency will notify you, and it may even alert people you know and your workplace.

When it comes to credit issues, should you focus on protecting your credit record or on how to "survive"? I hope you can pay attention to these issues, which shouldn't be ignored. Only by making

Hello!

I am a heart coach, and learning is the treasure of the body.

From your description, I can clearly see your anger, discomfort, disappointment, grievance, pain, and confusion.

You are upset because your father asked you to lend him money for your brother's wedding. I'm going to give you three pieces of advice.

First of all, you need to understand that in an intimate relationship, it is the person who is suffering more and changing first, including parent-child relationships.

From your description, it's clear you're distressed because you came here for help. You mentioned you're angry, and your family has always been like this. They only ask you for money, so you need to change first. You can do it. It'll be easier for you to change first, and when you have, your family members may be more likely to change, so you'll feel better.

Second, you need to have an honest conversation with your family, especially your father.

Honest communication is the most effective way to resolve relationship problems.

You have to be sincere in your communication.

However, when you communicate with them, you must do the following two things:

First, try to think from their perspective and understand them. This will help them "hear" what you are saying.

Try to understand your parents' difficulties. It's not easy to support two younger brothers and set them up with their own families. They have limited abilities and always expect your help. This doesn't mean you agree with what they're doing, but put yourself in their shoes to communicate.

Second, start sentences with "I" and talk about your feelings. Avoid or minimize sentences starting with "you," as this makes them feel rejected and blamed, which is counterproductive.

Tell your father, "Dad, I know you and mom are under a lot of pressure because of my brothers' weddings, and you want me to help. I'm limited in what I can do. I've already taken out 130,000 yuan this time, and that's a lot of pressure. You're asking me to borrow money, but I really can't do it. I hope you can also think about me. I'm almost 30 years old, and I have my own life. I hope you can understand and appreciate that I can't keep contributing to the family."

After you've communicated with him honestly, he'll likely realize his demands are inappropriate. If you don't say anything, he may not even realize it. He'll stop asking you to contribute financially to the family.

I strongly suggest you give your family some time and learn to communicate in a "firm but non-hostile" manner.

After you have communicated with your father in depth, he may not change because he is used to relying on you, and so are the rest of the family. This is you giving them some time because it takes time to change habits. In the meantime, you have to learn to communicate in a "firm but non-hostile" manner. This means refusing them and not doing what they do with a firm attitude, but remaining non-hostile.

If your father asks you for money again, tell him, "Dad, I've already told you, I can't help you now. I'm under a lot of pressure, and I can't help you."

After you communicate with him in this way many times, he will change. You will feel better.

Be prepared for the fact that your family members will not change. No matter what you say, they will still expect you to raise the money. They may even use emotional blackmail or threaten to cut off ties with you. Accept the reality and tell yourself that this is just how your family members are. When you have no expectations of them, you will not be hurt.

If you don't do what they do, you are establishing a sense of boundaries and separating issues well. You are protecting yourself because the sense of boundaries in your family is too weak. You are not responsible for your younger brother getting married. That is your parents' business. You need to live your own life.

Stop expecting them to change. It's time to focus on yourself. You can only take care of other people when you've lived your own life well.

I hope my answer is helpful. If you want to communicate further, click on "Find a coach to interpret – online conversation" at the bottom, and I will communicate with you one-on-one.

After reading your request for help, I feel a certain frustration. I understand that you are also angry at your parents. I wonder what circumstances led them to push you so hard. It seems that you are unable to refuse. Perhaps it would be helpful to consider that many things are attracted to you due to your own nature.

You possess many admirable traditional virtues, such as filial piety to your parents, solidarity with your siblings, and the capacity to create a better life. You are positive and optimistic, and God has bestowed so many virtues on you. However, you find yourself repeatedly crossing the line. It is important to recognize that everyone is ultimately responsible for their own life, and even your biological parents are beyond your control.

Your inner conflict: You want to help your parents, you don't want them to suffer, and you want to help them within your own limited abilities, because she raised you. However, the best way to repay your parents is not with money, but by giving them a sense of security and making them feel valued.

You support your younger brothers with your credit card. They may not fully understand the challenges you face and may perceive your life as easier than theirs. They may take for granted your ability to earn money and perceive you as superior to them in various ways. Parents naturally protect the vulnerable. Traditionally, girls often marry, so it's understandable that they seek attention. They raised you, and that's a challenge of their generation.

It would be wise to remember that if we focus solely on defending our own rights and interests, it may prevent others from infringing on yours. If you repeatedly give in, it could potentially lead to challenges within your family. The situation between the eldest and second eldest brothers provides an interesting comparison. You are currently experiencing fatigue, and assisting others is a natural part of your role. You are fortunate to have the resources to provide help, and it can be highly effective.

When the younger brothers become aware of your current situation, they may feel a sense of guilt and even accuse you of being silly. All your hard work is to prove that you are a filial child and a responsible individual. In fact, there is no need to prove anything, as you are already a responsible person. As long as you have a deep love for your family and set a good example, you will be positive and optimistic in life, constantly surpassing yourself. This kind of spirit is already very commendable.