Newlywed and family relationships: After marriage, there were two months of continuous quarrels, which almost extinguished the relationship.

Hello!

I'm a heart exploration coach, and I truly believe that learning is the treasure of the body.

From what you've told me, I can see you're going through a lot. I can feel your inner turmoil, worries, anxiety, pain, and helplessness.

I'm not going to get into the nitty-gritty of your struggles with your wife's emotional issues here, but I'd love to share three pieces of advice with you that I think could really help.

I think the best thing you can do is have a good, honest chat with your wife.

It's so important to let her know what you really think.

You mentioned that you and your wife have been married for two months, and you had a long-distance relationship for two years before that. At that time, there were some challenges in the long-distance relationship. She felt that you were not with her, which I can imagine was really difficult for her. After getting married, due to family relationship problems, she felt like an outsider and would argue with you. You feel that she is fearful and sensitive when dealing with interpersonal relationships, and feels that others are saying things behind your back, which I can imagine was really hurtful for her. She wants to seek psychological counseling, but the conditions do not allow it, so you are worried that your relationship will be worn out because of the arguments, which I can imagine is very painful for you both.

I think you could be her "psychological counselor" here. You'd be helping her deal with her internal fear and sensitivity, which would improve her interpersonal relationships.

It's so important to have a good chat with her. Try to stay calm and collected, keep your emotions out of it, and use the word "I" a lot to avoid her thinking you're accusing or rejecting her. Let her know you care about her and that you don't want her to suffer. You could also try telling her your analysis of the situation, and then she may also tell you her innermost thoughts, including why she is fearful and sensitive. This way, if she speaks out, it will also be beneficial for her to improve the current situation. The important thing is that your relationship will become closer because of your in-depth communication with each other.

Secondly, I think it would be a great idea to give her some time and be there for her as a supporter.

After you've had a good chat with her, she might not change right away. She might still have a few arguments with you. In that case, just give her some time and try to be supportive and understanding. If you give her a little positive attention, she'll slowly start to feel better.

While you're at it, why not have a nice chat with your family members, including your parents and sister? You could even ask them to support your wife, too. This might help to smooth things over with them, which would make your wife feel more relaxed and improve your state of mind.

It can be really tiring being the one who has to do all this work, but it's so important to keep your marriage strong.

I know it's tough, but I really think you should try to accept that your wife isn't going to change right away. Instead, focus on yourself and think about what you can do to make yourself feel better.

If you've had a good chat with your wife and given her some time, but she still feels uncomfortable living at home and still argues with you, it's okay! It might be that she won't change, and that's okay too. Take a deep breath, and focus on yourself for a while. Think about what you can do to feel better.

For example, if you bring up the idea of moving out, you can chat with your wife about it and weigh the pros and cons. If she's okay with it, then go for it! It's better to put up with a little discomfort for a while than to argue all the time, right?

You can also ask your wife what else she would like you to do to make her feel better, and then do your best to do it. This way, you'll be helping to lift her mood, and you might even find yours lifts a little too!

Think about all the good times you had together at the start of your relationship. You were in a long-distance relationship for two years before you finally got together! This will help her to complain less to you and to face her inner fears and sensitivities. When she faces her inner self head-on, her change will begin, and this may also improve your mood!

It's also a great idea to take note of what she usually does when she's in a good mood. Then, you can make some conscious adjustments and changes to show her that you're willing to change for her, and in turn, she'll be more willing to change for you. This is all part of the love and mutual understanding that makes a marriage work!

I really hope my answer helps!

Hello, I'm Fei Yun, your heart coach.

They understand you very well. Life seems happy and blissful. You just ended a two-year long-distance relationship and are still in the honeymoon phase. You live with your parents, and your sister often looks after you.

You don't understand why your lover feels "suffering" when it is obviously a happy family, and this is not her home? You don't get why your lover always "makes trouble out of nothing" and lets all kinds of unhappiness go by?

You are exhausted both physically and mentally by her fussing, and you have even lost your enthusiasm for the relationship and marriage. There is no hope. Let's take a look at what the problem is:

1. Your lover has a stronger need for your company.

As you mentioned, your partner often had a hard time in your long-distance relationship because they couldn't be with you as much as they would have liked.

The book The Five Languages of Love states that there are five ways to express love: affirming words, loving companionship, thoughtful gifts, concrete actions, and physical touch. It is clear that the way your lover wants you to express your love is "companionship."

Furthermore, women's needs in marriage are different from those of men. Women want to feel more secure, valued, and cared for by their men. Your companionship makes her feel safe when you are around.

A woman's heart is like a bottomless well. This means that women are really hard to figure out. However, men and women are inherently different. Women are more sensitive and emotional than men.

Let me illustrate this with an example. Women pay more attention to the emotional aspect of a situation, while men focus on the matter itself. Life is full of surprises, and a happy marriage is not something that just happens. It requires the joint efforts of both parties to create.

You should still spend time with the woman you love. Of course, you can't satisfy all her demands and caprices. We're focusing on the second aspect.

2. Marriage requires adjustment, so give yourself and your partner time to adapt.

We often believe that once we experience love, we can seamlessly transition into marriage and begin living a blissful life together. However, the journey is just beginning. A perfect love and happy marriage require three crucial stages of adjustment:

You must get used to each other's interests and hobbies, living habits, and families. Marriage is not just a matter of the two of you; it is also a matter of the two families and clans.

You've been in a long-distance relationship for two years, and you're still getting to know each other's interests and hobbies. Your habits are a matter of experiencing the details of real life. Even things like smacking your lips when you eat, not washing your feet before going to bed, or the way you squeeze toothpaste can affect your relationship and your life.

The most important thing here is the integration of the two families. You need to understand this.

The union of the two has brought the patterns of their original families into their marriage, whether intentionally or not.

Your lover's relationship with your parents and the dynamics of your original family are starkly different from her interactions with your in-laws and the patterns in your in-law family. As a woman, I can fully empathize with the feelings and emotions of your lover.

In your lover's perception, you, your parents, and your sister are your family. Only you are her family because in the current situation, only you and she have an emotional connection.

Your parents and family have a relationship with her because of you.

In the heart of a loved one, she will make comparisons. She will compare her parents and family to her relationship with you, and she will also compare you to her family.

Here's a suggestion:

1. Give yourself, your partner, and your family plenty of time to adjust.

Your interactions with them are the norm for you, but for your loved one, her interactions with your family are just beginning.

2. Put yourself in your partner's shoes more often and communicate with them sincerely and listen to them.

Suppressing emotions will only make conflicts worse.

The wise you knows that she just wants to feel more secure with you. There are more simple solutions apart from moving out.

You must be patient and loving, and listen to her. You must understand and accept her.

I am confident that the above will be helpful to you. The world and I love you.

If you want to continue the conversation, click "Find a Heart Exploration Coach" in the lower right corner to chat.

Dear questioner,

From what you've shared, I can sense the challenges you're facing. It's clear that you're experiencing a range of emotions, including pain and anxiety.

Two months of marriage have left you feeling conflicted, and you may even feel miserable. It's important to remember that love is a spiritual life that follows ideal principles, while marriage is a social life that follows realistic principles.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider that your reflection of reality in your marriage may have shifted somewhat. It's possible that you've left behind your former happiness and ideals, and are now facing some challenges in the day-to-day aspects of life, such as cooking and cleaning, which can sometimes lead to disagreements.

From what you have shared, it seems that your wife has been experiencing some negative emotions since the marriage. It is possible that these emotions are rooted in different perceptions.

Love and marriage require effort, and every family life benefits from some ground rules. The following are the laws of love:

The law of mutual attraction suggests that in love and marriage, people tend to gravitate towards those who express positive feelings towards them. It is thought that if we are more sincere in our feelings, the other person will feel happy and satisfied with their self-esteem, which can be an effective way of fostering positive relationships.

It is important to be mindful of the tendency to judge others harshly, particularly in the context of marriage. It is crucial to refrain from judging your partner's actions based on your own thoughts and to avoid projecting your own emotional characteristics onto their actions.

Perhaps it would be helpful to try putting ourselves in the other person's shoes, empathizing with them from the heart, and feeling for them as if they were ourselves. When the other person expresses negative emotions, it might be beneficial to try to find the source and put ourselves in their shoes, taking an active role in their emotional release.

It is worth noting that the proximity effect may play a role in how we perceive and respond to emotions in long-distance relationships. When there is a lack of companionship, it can lead to a buildup of negative emotions in the other person. This is particularly true among people who are familiar with each other. While this may be a biased way of perceiving things, it is helpful to be mindful of the proximity effect in our married lives and to avoid mistakenly blaming the other person for expressing negative emotions.

It might be worth considering that the other person's bad mood could potentially be influenced by your own actions.

Perhaps a solution could be found in the following way:

I believe that most of what you described was still an emotional expression.

It is only natural to experience a range of emotions in response to the many challenges and unexpected events that life presents. It is important to recognize that while it is normal to feel unhappy, angry, worried, or sad, it is also essential to maintain a healthy emotional balance. Prolonged exposure to strong emotions such as heartbreak, anger, or restlessness can have a negative impact on our physical and mental well-being.

There are three main ways to improve our emotional well-being:

1. It would be beneficial to avoid frequently showing bad emotions.

2. It would be beneficial to try not to dwell on negative emotions for too long.

3. Consider ways to reduce the intensity of negative emotions.

You had a disagreement with your loved one, which led to a period of silence. You may have felt the need to take a step back to cool off, but unfortunately, this didn't lead to a resolution. It's understandable that you might feel hurt and upset, and it's natural to have a lot on your mind when you're trying to process a difficult situation.

I hope this provides some direction and is helpful to you. I love you and the world!

Question author

I'm Kelly, the heart explorer.

I've read your question several times. I can see you're struggling.

I'm glad you can solve problems as they arise.

Newlyweds and family relationships: The two-month quarrel has almost worn away the relationship.

Let's analyze it together.

1: You live in a five-story house you built. You live separately from your parents, and your sister is married with a two-year-old child who is unemployed. She sometimes stays for a month.

Your wife has come to this family because she loves you. You are still unfamiliar with each other.

She has to live with your parents, your sister, and her children. She may find it difficult to adapt.

Psychological pressure: You, your parents, and your sister have lived together for decades. She is new and still adjusting.

She feels miserable living with you after marriage. Especially when your sister comes back, she feels even more like an outsider.

This makes me think of the past two months when she was trying to get used to her relationship with you and your parents. Now that she is back, she feels like an outsider.

Let's sort this out:

1. Your sister is married and often comes to your home. Does this make your wife feel like she doesn't belong?

Is it hers or her sister's?

If you lived with your wife's family, her brother would always come to stay for a month and get along with her parents. He might even criticize you.

How would you feel then?

Who owns the home when your brother brings a two-year-old?

If your sister comes to your home,

Can your wife refuse her sister a place to stay?

Will my sister's visit cost more?

Is she the hostess? Or is the mother?

Or is she the older sister?

My sister gets close to my mother when she arrives and feels like an outsider. What kind of reaction would you like her to have?

How can you help your wife if she wants to be alone, spend time with you, and not involve others in your marriage?

2. Talk about your family.

The nuclear family is you, your wife, and your kids.

Two months after marriage, there were arguments 3.4 days a week on average. There were also frequent arguments during long-distance relationships. The point of contention was that it was a long distance and he didn't go to be with her.

She cares about you and wants to be with you.

If she doesn't love you, why would she put up with loneliness?

I don't mean to complain. I just want to spend more time with you. She's not complaining about other things. She just wants you to spend time with her.

1: She loves you and wants to spend time with you.

2: Maybe she was neglected as a child, so now she's demanding love and companionship.

3: Give her security, tell her you love her, listen to her, and let her feel protected and accepted.

4: If your sister gets married and wants to live at home, she needs to respect your wife.

5: Learn about the boundaries between your biological and nuclear families.

You can be your sister's brother, your parents' son, your wife's lover, and the father of your future children. Your identity needs to be clear.

After marriage, you are your wife's husband. Is it okay to chat with your family, talk to your parents, and have your sister live with your parents?

If your wife is affected by your sister's behavior and future arguments, will she be upset?

She needs your help to get through this period after her marriage.

Let her learn to get along with your parents first, and then with your sister.

If she doesn't want to, it's her choice, and you should respect it.

We've thought about moving out and renting, but it'd be tight financially. Buying a house now would also be expensive.

The original poster has a good idea. Family relationships can cause conflict, and mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law can affect the relationship between husband and wife.

Distance can make relationships closer.

Plan the future with your wife.

1. Couples should discuss and plan for the next three to five years.

2. How will you handle a new life?

3: Respect your wife's choices. She will respect you. Respect your joint decisions. Trust each other.

4: A good relationship takes work. You need to have a common goal.

My wife is fearful and sensitive in relationships. She feels others are saying things behind her back and is afraid of making her look bad. She has considered counseling, but is unsure about the reliability of it in this small city and feels uncomfortable doing it online.

1: Get to know her better. If she had some issues in her childhood, your relationship can help her work through them.

2: Understand her more and be more tolerant. Support her unconditionally and argue less.

3: Online counseling: Yixinli has online counseling and has also recently held events. If she is willing, she can talk to a counselor. You and your wife can consult together.

4: It takes time to build a marriage. You're just getting used to each other.

You stayed together despite your long-distance relationship and arguments. It's been hard, and you feel like your love has faded. You can see that she loves you, and you love her. You want to change the situation and seek help.

The original poster can also grow as a person and be a good partner.

Families have life cycles. The first period is falling in love and getting married. Then there are children, studies, and a long future together. You can only settle down and make your family better if you understand yourself and your wife.

Solving problems and facing uncertainty are part of marriage.

I believe there are solutions.

A lifetime is long and there is always more to learn.

We grow together and explore marriage and family.

Best wishes!

First, take a step back and look at the problem. Don't get caught up in it.

It is clear that your problem stems from the lack of clarity in your boundaries and the differing perspectives between men and women.

It's normal for a woman to be sensitive. There's nothing wrong with that. If she feels insecure, you need to give her more security. Show her you care about her and agree with her. Don't argue with her and make her feel like she's wrong. And don't try to change her. That's never going to work.

Second, she married into a family, which is a strange environment for her. Your own home is very familiar, comfortable, and safe.

Everything is unfamiliar and strange to her except you. People who lack a sense of security are fearful when they encounter the unfamiliar and an environment that they cannot control. They argue with you constantly to sense your presence.

However, conflicts often arise because they do not understand the essence of marriage management and are immersed in their own values and perceptions.

Finally, it's time to set boundaries with your family. You have formed a family, and it's time to stop letting them interfere in your married life.

Your family has no right to interfere with your marriage. They should not ask too many questions about your relationship and they should not interfere. If you have any doubts about this, read more books on the topic yourself.

Read books on intimacy, the differences between men and women, and relationship management. You can change your relationship. It starts with you. If you change, the world will change.

Hello, question owner!

From what you've shared, it seems like your wife is feeling pretty insecure, cares a lot about what other people think, and feels like her position in the family is being threatened. It's possible that because you have so many family members and you're not as close as you'd like, she's feeling insecure, which can lead to negative emotions and, in turn, cause conflicts with you.

It's possible that you haven't communicated as well as you could have with each other. What are the specific issues that have come up? Have you taken the time to observe how your family members interact with your wife on a daily basis? It's possible that you're not aware of some of these behaviors and opinions, but as women, we're sensitive and can understand what each other's expressions, words, and actions mean to us. This isn't something we tend to think about much, but it's worth considering.

For example, when I was not married, I went to my ex-boyfriend's house, and his sister did not like me. I could actually feel it, but I told my boyfriend about it, and he didn't care. He said it wasn't a problem. In the end, after we broke up, he told me about the fact that her sister did not agree with us being together and did not like us. In fact, her sister just did not like me. I could sensitively feel that unfriendly side from her sister's expressions, words, and actions. Men and women are different, and women's minds are sensitive, unlike men. Men cannot see it, so you may not have seen or noticed the problem, and you have not found the essence of the problem in your communication.

It's totally understandable that your wife is afraid of people saying bad things about her. It's a natural response to insecurity. It seems like you might not be giving her the sense of security she needs to feel safe. When we feel insecure, our psychological defense mechanism kicks in, and it can trigger an emotional response. It's totally normal for her to argue with you when she feels threatened. It's something you'll have to navigate together as a couple.

It's possible that your wife's insecurity started when you were living apart, but you didn't notice or address it, so it's continued to the present. She may have a lot of fear, sensitivity, and fear in relationships. She might not have the ability to handle relationships. You can lead her to seek professional counseling, or you can also find a professional counselor on the Yixinli platform. Through counseling, you can see the problems in your marriage, communicate actively and effectively, and face the conflicts rationally and sensibly.

It's also important to reassure your wife, avoid getting involved in her problems, and give her a sense of security in her life. Many women feel this way: after getting married, they feel like this isn't their home because their husband isn't on their side. Even if they live together, they may not feel as if they're together. After all, they have a different surname, so it's understandable that they don't feel safe. This is why most families choose not to live with their mother-in-law and father-in-law, to avoid many conflicts.

I truly believe that the best intimate relationship is to separate two independent people to form a complete family unit. It's so important to have your own space and identity outside of your original family.

I really hope this is helpful for you. Please forgive me if it causes you any discomfort.

I really hope this is helpful for you! Please forgive me if it causes you any discomfort.

Hello! You've been married for two months and argue a lot.

You've tried to fix it, but you haven't found a way. You're feeling desperate and don't know how to face this marriage. I understand!

There's a period of adjustment after marriage.

Love is between two people, while marriage is between two families. Even the best relationships face challenges after marriage.

After marriage, differences and conflicts will emerge. It's normal for marriages to take time to adapt.

You were in a long-distance relationship for two years before getting married. Long-distance relationships make it harder to get used to each other after marriage.

Your wife will face more difficulties after you get married and live with your family.

You see marriage as an addition to life, keeping your family together while spending time with your loved one. But your wife may feel differently.

She's leaving her family and adapting to a new lifestyle. She's also facing an extended family that was previously close.

Your family may feel uncomfortable with your wife's sudden addition. This will make your wife feel like an outsider, especially compared to your sister.

Your sister goes back to her family home, where she feels at home. Your parents and relatives also feel close to her after their long separation. In contrast, your wife feels strange and awkward. When your sister comes back to live, she feels even more like an outsider.

Run the marriage with tolerance.

Your wife is fearful and sensitive in relationships. She feels others are saying things behind her back. She is afraid of what others will say about her. You care about your wife and know her well.

Have you thought about how to meet her emotional needs?

Dealing with interpersonal fears and sensitivities may be a sign of low self-worth. She probably didn't get enough attention and affirmation during her upbringing, so she feels unworthy of attention and care from others.

She will take in negative information from others and misinterpret it.

You said that you often had conflicts in long-distance relationships. The point of contention was that you didn't go to be with her. She lacks a sense of security and seeks reassurance that you love her.

The more she argues, the more she's afraid of losing you.

Such a partner will make you feel tired and helpless, but it's not a sign she doesn't love you. It's just that she tests you, demands things, and seeks proof.

It's important to accept each other's shortcomings in a marriage. You love your wife and don't want to give up your marriage, so you need to be more accepting and tolerant.

Find a way to get along.

Your marriage just needs to find a better way of getting along.

First, communicate well. Understand both sides, don't hide your thoughts, and don't jump to conclusions.

First, communicate well. Understand both sides, don't hide your thoughts, and don't jump to conclusions.

Your wife is under a lot of pressure adjusting to the new family life. Have a good chat with her and listen to her feelings. When she gets her feelings out, the problem may be half solved. She just needs someone to talk to. All you have to do is listen.

Second, give her a sense of security. For your wife's personality type, be more proactive when expressing your feelings. When she feels secure, she will not show negative emotions.

Third, protect the boundaries of the nuclear family.

Third, protect the boundaries of the nuclear family.

You have to handle this because you live with your family.

The small family comes first. Don't let the extended family affect your wife's feelings. If there's a conflict, defend your wife.

You need to tell your family you are now the husband of the nuclear family. This will help avoid conflicts.

I'm Teng Ying, a counselor at One Mind. I hope this helps.

The objective of your inquiry is to preserve the stability of your marriage. I believe that at this juncture, it may be beneficial to consider a temporary relocation and the provision of care for your wife's needs, thereby affording her a period of respite. This approach would effectively shift the immediate pressure of marriage into a more manageable pressure of survival. During this transitionary period, you may wish to consider a brief excursion to a larger urban center, where you can both unwind and subsequently engage in psychological counseling. This can be followed up with online counseling sessions.

Once she has a better understanding of her own issues through psychological counseling, you can gradually guide her during the period you are renting a place. This should enable her to listen more effectively. It is important to remember that moving out is only a temporary arrangement. Once she has accepted the idea and made the necessary adjustments, you can return to your hometown. It is not a permanent situation. The key objective is to resolve your current issues.

If your relationship is experiencing a decline, it is important to take steps to revitalize it. One effective approach is to take your partner to a major city for a few days. Additionally, you can enhance your daily interactions by demonstrating greater thoughtfulness, maintaining traditions on special occasions, and offering small tokens of appreciation. These actions can help rekindle the bond in your relationship. You can also engage in activities together that align with your partner's interests and goals, such as personal growth or pursuing shared interests. These strategies can help foster a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.

In summary, this entails engaging in appropriate pastimes and entertainment, paying attention to the sense of ritual, and doing things together to enrich life.

I would like to conclude by recommending the book A Happy Marriage: The Way Men and Women Get Along in the Long Term. It is important to understand that maintaining a marriage requires nurturing and learning. If you wish to preserve your marriage, it is essential to invest more effort and dedication. It is also important to recognize that short-term methods and "capsules" have their limitations. I encourage you to take the time to read this book, as it will be beneficial for you.

The text really shows how worried the questioner is about his wife and their marriage.

I'd love to know how the questioner and his wife met! And what made you decide to get married after two years of long-distance relationships and frequent conflicts?

I'd love to know more about your respective living environments before marriage!

"My wife feels miserable living in our home after marriage and doesn't consider it her home, especially when my sister comes back to live with us, she feels like an outsider even more." It's so lovely to see how open and honest the questioner and his wife are with each other. It's clear that they're both really sincere and truthful.

It's so important to let things out instead of bottling them up!

"We've thought about getting some psychological counseling, but we're not sure if it's reliable in our small city, and online counseling just doesn't feel right for us." Is this something you've thought about, too?

The questioner can even accompany his wife to the consultation!

From what I can see in your text, it seems like it's totally normal for you and your wife to have some disagreements now and then.

This is just a continuation of your past relationship model, which is totally normal! You also used to establish relationships and communicate through "arguing," and that's okay!

It's totally normal to feel stressed when you're adjusting to new situations. For example, you might feel stressed about moving from living in different places to living together, or from being unmarried to being married, or from living in your parents' home to living in your in-laws' home.

There are so many places to adapt to, and if your wife really is "fearful, sensitive, and feels that others are saying things behind her back when dealing with interpersonal relationships," as you say, then it's totally understandable that she'd feel some fear in her heart.

She has to face so many people at once and so many new places that require adaptation. It's so hard! Perhaps the only thing she can "hold on to" is "arguing," because arguing is both familiar to her and can help her relieve stress, while also maintaining an "intimate" connection with you.

I really hope the questioner knows what to do after reading this, but if not, psychological counseling might be helpful.

I really hope my reply helps you out! Best wishes!

The marriage in question involves not only the two spouses, but also the in-laws of the wife, her older sister, her nephews, and sometimes her brother-in-law. The wife is the sole individual managing relationships with so many people, and she still lacks the understanding and support of the husband, particularly when there are disagreements and conflicts.

She lacks the mental capacity to address and resolve these issues. Her arguments and outbursts with the questioner are a manifestation of her fear, but they are also a plea for assistance, a hope that her husband can intervene and resolve these problems, providing her with a sense of security. Instead of analyzing her character and interpersonal skills, it would be more productive to focus on the immediate problem at hand.

I believe this is the most important objective that most women seek to achieve through marriage and from their husbands, even more so than financial gain.

Please consider the following scenario: You are required to live with your mother-in-law for an extended period due to work-related reasons, not just for a few days during the Chinese New Year.

The mother-in-law's family is also well-off, with a three-story house. The questioner and his wife reside on the third floor. His wife also has a younger brother who is married and resides on the second floor, while the two elderly parents live on the first floor.

The father and mother-in-law are cordial and accommodating, preparing meals according to the questioner's preferences and assuming the cost of living expenses.

At mealtimes, they naturally begin discussing their uncles' grandchildren and their aunts' cousins. The sister-in-law has a tendency to become angry and engage in heated arguments with her brother, even in the absence of her brother-in-law.

Can the OP envisage the psychological and emotional impact of residing in such an environment on a daily basis?

The environment is highly depressing and makes one feel like an outsider. It is natural to perceive one's sister-in-law as being unfriendly or disrespectful.

This is how your wife currently feels. I appreciate that this is a rather uncomfortable situation for you both.

This is a sentiment that many individuals will likely experience, not because the wife of the question asker "essentially fears dealing with interpersonal relationships."

Securing a rental property may prove challenging from a financial standpoint, but it is not an entirely unfeasible proposition.

The questioner must decide whether to prioritize financial stability, marital harmony, or both.

Hello!

Patting on the shoulder: Just as in marriage counseling, it's better for both partners to participate together when facing problems. This helps us see each other's problems and difficulties and helps us build a stable relationship.

Should you have a big or small family? How can you make your family happy?

I've been married to my wife for two months. We were in a long-distance relationship for two years before that.

Our house is a five-story house that my parents and I built. My sister lives on a different floor. She has a two-year-old and is unemployed. She sometimes stays with us for about a month.

After marriage, my wife felt miserable at home. She didn't think it was her home, especially when my sister came back to live with us.

Two months after marriage, we argued three days a week. We also argued a lot when we were in long-distance relationships. The argument was about me not going to be with her.

We've thought about moving out and renting, but it would be expensive. Buying a house would also be expensive.

When people first get married, they are like new students. They don't know much and can't think clearly. This makes it hard for them to avoid problems. But people who have been around a while know how to avoid problems and make their partners feel safe.

If the couple is overwhelmed by the situation and the extended family interferes in their business, they will be unable to focus on the issues that need to be addressed. Their energy and patience will be unintentionally diverted, and they will not have the extra energy to solve their own problems. This is also a source of conflict between the small family and the extended family.

The questioner has an advantage over his wife because he can understand the extended family better and is more rational. He has proposed moving or seeking counseling to help his wife. This is a rare display of thoughtfulness and attention.

A woman in a long-distance relationship wants to get married because she needs companionship. But marriage is not just about the two of you. You also have to think about how to fit in with your in-laws. If your husband doesn't understand you, you'll feel isolated and unhappy. This will make it harder for you to fit in with your in-laws.

The wife is likely to be a woman who doesn't know how to express herself well, is sensitive, and can't be emotionally independent.

How to ease family conflicts and the sense of division they cause

It's not easy to start a conversation. Sometimes, there's a reason why it's hard. It might be because of a conflict between family members. When there's a problem, they might not know how to talk about it. This can lead to frustration and anger. This is also why some couples feel like they've lost hope for each other.

Why not be honest and express your thoughts? Things can't be undone. Miracles happen when you face the truth. If you let go of your doubts, trust more, let go of your preconceptions, and listen to your wife, you may hear a different voice and understand your partner's expectations.

The wife will let go of her blame and fear and try to move past her self-imposed limitations.

If we know how to communicate, we can work together to distinguish between the problems of the small family and the extended family. We can then decide the best way to divide the boundaries. If we have enough money, we can move out and be independent. If not, we can first communicate with our parents and suggest a boundary division. Parents may not fully understand boundaries, but if we explain them, they will try to make an effort.

The wife needs more self-confidence and security in her role as hostess. The questioner can increase companionship and often talk with his wife to help her slowly enter her role and build self-confidence. Marriage is a growth process. We can allow ourselves to have shortcomings, but we cannot choose to sit back and do nothing.

If the wife is not severely depressed but the couple is on the verge of breaking up because they can't get along, we can learn to interact healthily and increase trust and intimacy by putting ourselves in the other person's shoes, reflecting on ourselves, and listening to the other person's needs.

Learning to accept each other's differences is an important first step for any couple.

Best of luck!

Hello!

You've been married for two months and argue a lot. You're not sure if you can make it work.

You and your wife were in a long-distance relationship before. You didn't have time to accompany her. Now that you are married, you are together, but new conflicts have arisen. She feels like an outsider in the family. She always feels like the family is talking about her. You argue with her a lot.

She's living alone in your home, which is unfamiliar to her. She's afraid of doing something wrong and attracting attention. She's very sensitive, which is normal.

If you moved in with your wife and her family, would you worry about how you act and feel pressure? Would you understand her situation?

Your wife's main problem is adapting. Here are a few suggestions.

Understand your wife and help her adapt.

It's hard to adapt to new places and people. You can help by telling your wife about your family and reassuring her.

Long-distance relationships also have problems like different living habits. You have to work through these problems slowly.

2. Good communication

Since you're living together, you need to resolve some conflicting views. Ask your wife why she's uneasy. Show her love and care, and resolve the conflict. Good communication can resolve most conflicts.

Three for the price of one.

You said you'll be under financial pressure, but if this helps, go for it. Once your wife is settled, you can tell her things will be better.

I hope this helps. Best wishes!

Hello, My name is Yu Hengbo, and I'm a psychological counselor. It sounds like your wife doesn't feel a sense of belonging when she's with your family because of the extended family relationship. She also seems to have some difficulty handling interpersonal relationships, which makes her worry that others will say bad things about her. So in this environment, you feel like a piece of wood sandwiched between two sides, needing to please both.

On top of that, it seems like she really needs your company, but your family's financial situation right now makes it tough for you to move out. This has led to some issues in your relationship and even thoughts of divorce. You're feeling a bit confused and frustrated, and you're hoping to find the right counselor or professional help to get out of this tough spot. Based on what you've shared, I'd like to offer a few perspectives for your understanding and reference. I hope they're helpful.

1. It's good to have some distance between the extended family and the nuclear family. This helps people feel like there's still a sense of novelty and friendliness. Some scholars have even suggested that the best distance is "the distance of a bowl of soup."

To put it another way, the soup is served to the other person while it's still warm—neither too hot nor too cold. This is because the living habits and thinking of the two generations are quite different. Living separately can help avoid conflicts between the two different living habits.

So, if the two generations maintain a distance of a bowl of soup, they leave each other some space, which reduces conflicts while still maintaining the tradition of "family joy."

2. It's totally normal to feel a bit out of your comfort zone in a new environment. Your wife is going to feel a bit strange and need to get used to the way your extended family does things. Some things will be easy for you to understand, while others that you consider natural and commonplace may be very unfamiliar to her and require her to adapt again.

During the adjustment period, it's important to have patience and support from your family, especially your husband's! Family systems theory also shows that when someone joins or leaves a family, it can change the entire family system environment. Your wife is still getting used to the family environment since she just got married, and the arrival of your sister has made it even more complicated.

So, if you can be firm but fair, you'll understand her better, speak up for her with your family, and she'll feel loved and adjust more quickly. I went through something similar when I married into the family. My husband always spoke well of me to his parents, and he wanted them to be kind to me and accept me as part of the family. I gradually became part of the extended family, and because I loved my husband, I loved his family too. This interaction developed in a positive direction.

So, the attitude of the husband is really important in helping the wife to settle in with the extended family.

3. You said that your wife is fearful and sensitive, always worrying that others are saying bad things about her. It sounds like she doesn't have enough self-confidence. When a person has trust in themselves and a clear idea of what kind of life they want to lead, they won't care too much about other people's opinions, and they won't let other people's thoughts and opinions influence their goals in life.

If you want to help your wife, you can work with her to figure out your future plans as a couple. You can also support her as she learns more about herself and what kind of person she wants to be. You can help her learn to set "mental boundaries," so that she can ignore other people's thoughts and be responsible for her own emotions.

Even if you can't make any changes right now, you can still talk about what you can do in the short term and what you'll do in the long term. This will give your wife a sense of being involved in your home and making decisions. She'll also start to feel more confident and look forward to the future. You can also learn communication skills with her to improve your ability to understand and resolve conflicts, and she'll become more confident.

4. How do you see your relationship with her? It seems like she's always needed your company, and she might not feel secure. Have you talked to her about this?

What kind of companionship does she need? Are you willing and able to satisfy her?

What do you appreciate about each other? What made you attracted to each other and eventually decide to get married?

From passion to marriage, you two need to work through it together, learning to feel and give to each other, so that your intimate relationship can get better and better. Currently living in an extended family relationship, you and she still need to create some romantic life that is limited to the two of you together, such as going out to dinner, watching movies, exercising together, etc. Even just going for a walk together every day can help. If you ignite the passion and intimacy between the two of you, you can overcome many difficulties.

If you think there are too many differences between you and your wife and that you'll never be able to resolve them, then discussing divorce might be the best option. But it seems like you still love and care for her, so as long as you can find a way to work through your issues, you can continue your relationship.

We can usually learn from the successful experiences of friends who get along well together, and we can also gain more life wisdom by reading books. Of course, you are also welcome to make an appointment for consultation services on the Yiyi Psychology platform or call the listening hotline. There are many professional listeners and consultants on the platform who can provide you with professional psychological support and advice. I believe that as long as you and your wife understand that your abilities have improved, you can find ways to resolve relationship conflicts and harmonize the family's system environment, you will eventually mature and grow sweeter and happier.

Thanks, and best wishes!

I'd also suggest reading "Intimacy," "The Five Love Languages," "The Courage to Be Disliked," and "Boundaries."