Often irritable, moody, impatient with my mother, not sure what to do

Dear question asker,

I admire your courage in expressing your true feelings.

I would like to express my gratitude for your willingness to take the initiative to discover and actively improve your parent-child relationship.

And offer a warm embrace to help you feel at ease after your actions, whether towards your mother or her towards you.

The parent-child relationship in a family is undoubtedly one of the most significant relationships in family dynamics. Their influence is mutual, and everyone has their own unique way of expressing love for their family. However, the various forms of expression may not always align with a unified platform. It's akin to saying, "I enjoy sweet apples, but you purchased a sour apple with the money in your pocket." It's not as straightforward as simply stating that you enjoy sweet apples and that the sour apple you bought is wrong. In reality, this is often the case. We love our parents sincerely, and our expressions of love may not always align with their preferences.

I believe that the highest level of filial piety is to make your parents proud of you. Therefore, it is important to never give up learning and growing yourself. At the same time, it is valuable to show your mother your growth, guide her to see more of your bright spots, and become her pride. This kind of harmonious win-win situation is a joyful one.

When we were young, we had a deeper understanding of our parents than they had of us. Because we relied on our parents for essentials like food, clothing, and shelter, we often tried to discern their preferences. When we grasped their needs, we naturally did and said things they liked, and they rewarded us with praise. The same dynamic exists now. It's important to proceed with patience and understanding. Pay close attention to your mother and express your love in a way that resonates with her. When you do so, she will accept and understand your love, and she will support you. I believe that, as a result, you will feel confident and happy.

Perhaps it would be helpful to view your mother from a different perspective and consider her point of view as well. It might be beneficial to reflect on whether your actions are right or wrong and on your own strengths and weaknesses. It's possible that your subtle changes could also influence your mother's way of thinking. This process may take some time, but as long as you have a clear goal and keep going, you will be happy with the results of your efforts and proud of your wonderful mother and outstanding self!

Hello, dear.

Our relationships with our parents can often evoke a range of intense emotions within us. Many of us probably have a lot to say about this. In particular, I feel that our relationships with our parents in Chinese culture are often characterized by a unique blend of love and conflict, where we experience a complex interplay of emotions, including both admiration and resentment. I recently came across a story that I found particularly insightful in this regard.

The story goes something like this: Once upon a time, there was a man who embarked on a spiritual journey, working diligently and conscientiously. After a few years, he felt that he had made significant strides.

In terms of cultivating one's character, it would be beneficial to remain calm and composed in the face of all kinds of people. Before he was ready to leave the mountain, his master gave him one final task.

Perhaps it would be helpful to tell him that once he gets past this, he can really make his mark. I wonder if you know what this ultimate challenge is?

I believe you may have guessed that the ultimate challenge for the practitioner is to go back and live with his parents for two weeks.

Ultimately, I don't recall whether this practitioner passed the challenge or not. What I do remember is that this ultimate challenge left a profound impression on me. In my later life, in my interactions with my elders, I became acutely aware that this ultimate challenge is indeed a significant one.

Our interactions with our parents and elders often bring to the surface emotions that have been buried in our hearts for a long time, as well as some negative beliefs that have deeply imprinted themselves in our minds and formed a strong inertia. If we lack clear awareness, it can be challenging to navigate these emotions and deep thinking relationships that have accumulated over a long period of time. It's important to recognize that we have the freedom to choose how we respond to these feelings and thoughts.

I believe you may have experienced a tendency to become irritated when spending time with your mother. Despite your best efforts to be kind and patient, your mother's words and actions can sometimes evoke a strong reaction within you. This can lead to internal conflicts and, on occasion, you may find yourself regretting your actions afterwards. It seems that you may have entered a cycle that requires some reflection and adjustment.

When you were younger, did you and your mother have a good relationship? Did your mother often give you orders and judge you?

Do you feel that your mother rarely truly sees you, respects you for who you are, and supports you in making decisions according to your heart's desires? Or do you often feel that your mother is impatient with you and irritated?

Or perhaps she sometimes becomes upset with you?

It is likely that the way you get along with your mother now is influenced by the way you got along with her when you were young. For example, if your mother was irritable with you when you were young, it is possible that you felt aggrieved and angry inside at her bad temper.

As a child, you may not have had an outlet to express your feelings of grievance and anger, which may have led to their suppression. When you grow up and spend time with your mother again, if she accuses you, acts irritable, or doesn't do what you want, you may feel irritated.

It is possible that the feelings of anger and dissatisfaction towards your mother that have been accumulating in your heart for a long time have suddenly come to the surface. These feelings may have been present for a long time and have not been fully acknowledged or addressed, which could contribute to their intensity when they emerge. This may also lead to feelings of anxiety and unease in your heart.

It might be the case that irritability arises when you feel anger, but are unable to hold onto it or deal with it effectively. This could mean that the source of your irritation is not your mother, but your own anger.

I understand this may be a lot to take in.

It's not necessary for you to experience this in your own situation. However, you might find it helpful to observe what your true feelings and emotions are when your mother touches you.

Perhaps you would like to be at peace when facing your mother. It may be helpful to focus on your ability to truly face and capture your true emotions, so that they can flow and be released within you.

It would be helpful for you to take some time to understand your true feelings for yourself. Once you have a clear understanding of these feelings, you can accept them and allow them to be seen, released, and relieved through you. This process can help to relieve the emotions that are causing you distress and return your heart to a state of peace. It is also important to be mindful of how these emotions are expressed, as they can inadvertently affect your relationship with your mother if you are not aware of them.

Additionally, the challenge you're facing in your relationship with your mother may stem not only from the emotions you've accumulated towards her, but also from some of your perceptions of her. Could you kindly share which aspects of your mother you find challenging?

Could I ask for your thoughts and opinions on these points? Do you feel that your mother may have a different perspective?

Perhaps you are caught in a dilemma. Do you feel the need to correct your mother and make her change? It's possible that falling into the "I'm right" myth might trap us very deeply and cause us a great deal of distress.

If we see words and deeds that differ from our own, it can lead to a desire to reform others. This can result in pain.

I'm curious to know your thoughts on this. We are who we are, others are others, and everyone is free to be what they want to be.

It's important to remember that nobody is right or wrong. We can only control ourselves to become the person we want to be, and we cannot control others to conform to our preferences. If we can see through this and let go of our own standards of judgment, just being ourselves is a great freedom.

I just wanted to let you know that what I'm saying may not necessarily apply to your situation. I saw your description and had some feelings and speculations.

I hope this is helpful, and I wish you well.

Hello, question asker!

You're on the right track!

You've already identified this discomfort, which is a problem that many people face.

I am happy to share what I know with you. I am confident that you will find it enlightening.

1. Identify the main areas of conflict between you and your mother.

Living with your mother makes you irritable and your emotions volatile.

You felt better emotionally when you left this environment.

If a relationship makes you feel uncomfortable, it is not your fault or the other person's fault. It is a problem with the relationship.

From here, we can then look at what we want our mothers to do.

Your mother wants the same things you want.

We can only have a harmonious relationship when we understand each other's needs.

You are gentle and filial. However, you must have an unmet need.

For example, we want our mothers to keep their distance from us. We need to keep our own boundaries.

If your mother doesn't interfere with you, she must also want you to stop interfering with her.

Our emotions are excellent messengers. They tell us exactly what our unmet needs are.

So, at this time, stop blaming yourself and start taking control. Be gentle and patient with yourself, and then see your needs and your mother's needs.

2. Be aware of your practical and emotional needs.

Every need we have has two aspects: a practical, surface-level need and an emotional need that is often overlooked.

For example, you can identify the situations in which you lose your patience and address them.

Tell me what happened between you and your mother.

Tell me what you felt.

Tell me what you want your mother to do.

What practical benefit would you gain if she did?

Tell me how you would feel loved by your mother. Give me examples of how she would show you that she understands you, notices you, and accepts you.

If mom can't do it for the time being, we need to figure out how to help her satisfy herself.

You can also learn how to take care of your own emotions.

Record this. You will see where your emotions come from.

Ms. Cong Feicong offers a free class on "Discovering Your Deepest Needs." If you're interested, learn more.

This requires constant practice, step by step.

Don't blame yourself. Understand yourself and know your inner needs.

You must understand your mother's needs as well.

At that point, we will be at peace.

3. Break out of the old pattern of getting along.

3. Break out of the original pattern of getting along.

We are stuck in a cycle of interaction.

We are stuck in a cycle of interaction.

You need to stop feeling bad about talking about her. You can't stand it if you don't talk about her, so stop feeling bad about it. Try changing a little bit without expecting it to change all at once.

For example, when there is a big difference between the two generations, they must decide which to listen to: their mother or you.

In what situations should each party be listened to and differences respected?

Let me be clear: solving a conflict is never a solution.

Let me be clear: solving a conflict is never a solution.

We will find a way that makes us both comfortable.

If you're used to the current way of doing things, practice the other way.

For example, when you are unhappy, think about what you would like your mother to do.

Do something that makes you happy!

Tell your mother how you feel and make your needs clear.

Refer to the methods of non-violent communication.

Also, respect the differences between you.

Share these.

Read Nonviolent Communication if you want to know more.

I wish you the best!

Greetings, question asker. My name is Jia'ao, and I have no intention of causing any trouble.

The issues and confusion you outlined on the platform are evident. You stated that you currently reside with your mother, and due to the contrasting values between the two generations, you frequently experience frustration with her. Additionally, your emotions exhibit significant fluctuations. Indeed, you are cognizant of the fact that this is an unfavorable situation. You do not wish to be disloyal to your mother, yet you also feel immense distress, uncertain of how to respond. You seek a means to tranquilize your mind and rectify this irritability.

The following suggestions are offered for consideration in light of the circumstances presented:

1. It is important to accept one's emotions.

1. It is evident that a generational divide exists between you and your elders. While it is commonly asserted that a generational gap emerges annually, it is crucial to ascertain the extent of this phenomenon in your case. It is notable that your perspectives, beliefs, and lifestyle choices diverge considerably from those of your parents and grandparents. The proclivity towards anger may be attributed to the perception that your mother exerts a more pronounced influence over your actions, which can readily impact your emotional state.

2. On occasion, the positive conflict between children and adults may manifest as a form of rebellion. A history of rebellious behavior during the teenage years increases the likelihood of conflict with parents. It is therefore not uncommon for individuals to experience these emotions. It is possible to accept negative emotions, recognize feelings of anger, and avoid emotional distress. It is important to recognize that this situation is not uncommon. In some cases, a mother's approach may be to impart knowledge from her perspective, which may not align with her child's preferences. The desire to detach from a relationship may be a psychological phenomenon known as the breakdown of attachment relationships. The pursuit of independence may be accompanied by a mother's continued teaching methods, which may involve control and attempts to influence behavior in accordance with her preferences.

3. Additionally, the subject displays deficiencies in emotional management. When confronted with conflict, he frequently experiences a loss of control. He is unable to effectively express his emotions and is not particularly adept at resolving his own negative emotions. This dynamic is not conducive to the formation of a positive parent-child relationship, resulting in a state of heightened complexity and distress.

2. Implement appropriate adjustments.

1. A generation gap is not a cause for concern. If necessary, adjustments should be made, and methods of controlling irritability, improving communication with one's mother, and moderating extreme responses to situations should be employed. It is possible to resolve any issue through discussion. By adopting a more measured tone and demonstrating patience, it is possible to avoid conflict.

2. One possible approach would be to attempt to adopt your mother's perspective and consider her point of view. This may help to reduce the frequency of arguments, as such conflicts tend to be particularly hurtful to one's feelings. It is important to remember that she is your elder and that it is not appropriate to lose your temper with her. Such behaviour is also unfilial and disrespectful. However, you have already recognised this, which is a positive step forward. It is now essential to take action and implement changes. It is crucial to address these issues promptly and effectively.

3. To transform a change of mind into practical action, it is recommended to begin with the relatively minor aspects of life. When challenges arise, it is advised to avoid hasty actions and engage in constructive dialogue. Speaking in a gentle and composed manner can help to avoid the perception of conflict. It is important to note that a lack of effort to improve the relationship may result in a deterioration of the dynamic. By taking the initiative to make changes, your mother will be able to observe your efforts and may be more likely to understand and respect you. She may also become less inclined to impose her wishes on you, which could otherwise lead to feelings of rebellion and resentment.

3. Effective communication is a crucial aspect of any relationship.

1. Discrepancies and inconsistencies between two generations are often the result of inadequate communication in daily life. The more communication is lacking, the less there is a way to understand what the other person is thinking. Over time, a generation gap may emerge. It is not realistic to expect two individuals from different generations to have no differences in every aspect. Each generation has unique ideas and concepts. It is therefore unreasonable to expect your mother to consider things exactly as you would in your generation.

2. However, if there is a genuine affection between the two parties, integration is possible. Young people can endeavour to comprehend the perspectives of the elderly, while the elderly can attempt to integrate into the social circle of the young and endeavour to align their thinking with contemporary norms.

3. However, this is a challenging aspect of the relationship. Typically, individuals tend to adopt an evasive stance, refusing direct communication and alienating others. If this is a consistent pattern, it can be difficult to improve the relationship. Nevertheless, there are strategies that can be employed to enhance communication with one's mother. These include actively listening to her thoughts, discussing her concerns, including academic and professional challenges, and addressing personal issues in a constructive manner. Over time, these efforts can foster a more harmonious parent-child relationship.

If two individuals are able to interact in a manner that is akin to that of friends, it is implausible that they would experience a state of tension on a daily basis. Furthermore, the individual in question will also undergo a gradual improvement in their irritable mood and a concomitant relaxation of their demeanor.

4. It is essential to establish a sense of boundaries.

It is important to note that while a harmonious relationship between mother and child is desirable, maintaining a certain degree of distance is also essential. Alienation on either side should be avoided, as it can lead to a breakdown in communication and a deterioration in the relationship.

Excessive control will inevitably result in a further distancing of the parties involved. The optimal relationship is one where distance fosters mutual respect and understanding, leading to a harmonious and carefree environment.

2. In any relationship, if the line is crossed, it will result in pain and suffering for both parties. This is analogous to the current irritable and angry mood. The more painful the situation, the more one desires change and hopes to control their emotions effectively in the future, thereby becoming closer to their mother.

It is my sincere hope that my response proves beneficial. The world and I extend our affection to you.

Let's cheer on the OP from afar!

The way the questioner describes it is really interesting!

My mother has a lot of mood swings, and I'm learning to be more patient with her. Living with her is a unique experience, and I'm excited to grow and learn from it.

It's a challenge for me too. I have to admit, I don't always handle it well when I'm not talking about her. And when she gets upset, it's hard not to feel bad. But I'm working on it! I want to be a little gentler and more patient. I know it'll take time, but I'm excited to see how I can improve.

The questioner's doubts

How can I keep my cool?

Words to the questioner:

The questioner's behavior and reaction are actually very normal. And that's a good thing! After all, no matter who you live with for a long time, there will be more or less conflicts.

We will be with other people, our concepts will be different, and we will have friction with each other over small things, which is a great way to learn and grow!

This is totally normal! We're all independent individuals, and it's impossible for two people to be exactly alike.

And guess what? We don't need to completely tolerate each other in life, either. Some of the other person's actions and thoughts may exceed our bottom line, and that's okay!

This is a great sign of your independence!

This is especially true in parent-child relationships, which are a truly special bond!

On the one hand, we can feel totally at ease and argue boldly with our parents because deep down we know our parents will never leave us. We can feel more at ease!

So it's totally normal to have negative emotions! Most people are like this, so there's no need to worry about it.

All emotions are incidental results—and that's a good thing!

It's caused by something and leads to a certain emotional outcome. And guess what? It's not a problem that needs to be dealt with! The problem is the thing itself, as well as the questioner's perception.

But the questioner also didn't mention it. That's OK! There's still the option of talking to a psychological counselor. That way, the questioner can find out why they feel the way they do.