Only arguments with my mother, how to mend the broken mother-daughter relationship?

Hello, question asker!

The first question that popped into my mind when I saw this question was: Why did the relationship with my mother change after I graduated from university? I'd love to know how the relationship was before that!

I'm really curious to know what happened to suddenly worsen your relationship!

Reading your question carefully, it seems that there was "warmth" before you graduated from university. I'd love to know more about where this warmth was before!

I'd love to know how your life was different then!

You say, "But just being in contact with your mother has a more than 50% chance of making you feel very uncomfortable, severely stressed, and irritated." And the other half?

I'd love to know what state you were in the other half of the time! And I'm really curious about why these two halves were so different.

Or could it be a different topic? Or perhaps a different way of communicating?

Oh, and are the people present different?

.

Or was there something else?

"After living with my husband alone for a few years, I thought I had calmed down a bit." I'm so excited to hear how you felt "calm" during the period between "living with my husband alone for a few years." Did you completely cut off contact with your mother?

I'd love to know how you managed to skillfully avoid your mother's denials and accusations!

I'd love to know more about your father too! How was he in the midst of your mother and you?

Did he defend your mother or you? Or was he neutral?

Or did they sway back and forth, playing the role of fireman? I'd love to know how you and your father behaved during this process!

And your husband? I'd love to know what role he played!

And what about the other siblings? (If there were any) I'd love to hear how you felt about that!

Did their behavior help to ease the tension between you and your mother? Or did it increase it?

Did it make you feel worse, or did it give you an outlet for your emotions?

…………

Okay, I've asked too many questions, like a curious baby. I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, but I'm excited to help!

I'm going to do my best to answer your question, even though it's so concise and lacks more details. I'm going to try to guess the state of your relationship with your mother and the relationship between your family members as a whole.

The relationship problem between two people may not just involve the two of them—it can involve a whole network of people!

The relationship between two people may not be unidirectional—it's so much more than that! It's the result of interactions between both (or even multiple) parties.

As the saying goes, "Those in authority are confused. But there's a simple solution! Just step outside your own role and look at it from a third-party perspective. It'll give you a whole new perspective and tons of inspiration!"

Of course, this is often difficult. But don't worry! If you have the means to get help from a professional, and if you can get a professional opinion, it may help you find an answer sooner.

Best of luck!

Dear Question Owner,

I empathize with your sentiments and circumstances. Despite the lack of detail in the question, the narrative suggests a profound unease when in the company of your mother.

It is important to recognise that there is an inevitable generational gap between the parents' generation and our own. However, it is possible to bridge this gap by seeking to understand each other and allowing the other person to understand us. Let us examine this further together:

It is important to note that a generational gap is an unavoidable reality. However, it is possible to bridge this gap through mutual understanding and communication. Let's examine this further together:

"After graduating from university, there were only arguments with my mother, and there was no warmth anymore."

The questioner's use of the term "after graduating from university" prompts me to inquire about the circumstances preceding this point in time. It is possible that an incident occurred during college that contributed to the current state of affairs.

The questioner's deliberate mention of "after graduating from university" prompts the question of what the situation was before that. It is possible that something occurred during college that contributed to the current state of affairs. The result is that the only thing remaining between the questioner and her mother is conflict, and there is no warmth left.

The questioner's deliberate mention of "after graduating from university" prompts the question of what the situation was before that. It is possible that something occurred during college that contributed to the current state of affairs. As a result, the only thing that existed between the two was arguing, and there was no warmth left.

The term "warmth" may appear straightforward, but it could prove challenging for the questioner and her mother. It would be valuable to understand whether the questioner has discussed this with her mother. In general, mothers tend to desire positive relationships with their children and seek warmth.

The term "warmth" may appear to be a simple concept, but it can be challenging for individuals to navigate. I inquire whether the questioner has had the opportunity to discuss this matter with her mother. In general, mothers tend to desire positive relationships with their children and seek a sense of warmth.

The issue requires further analysis.

"No matter what I say or do, I will be rejected and criticized from all sides."

Further analysis is required to determine the best course of action.

This issue requires further analysis on a case-by-case basis, depending on the specifics of the matter in question. This will allow for a rational, objective approach from the perspective of an outsider.

It seems that my mother's self-education is still largely based on criticism. It is possible that each parent has a different approach to child education. The questioner should arrange a suitable time to have a good chat with her mother. It is possible that she is afraid that you will be too proud and not liked by others in the future.

The issue at hand is that the questioner's mother appears to be overly critical of her daughter. This may be due to a number of factors, including differing parenting styles or a lack of confidence in the daughter's abilities. It is important to understand that criticism, when constructive, can be beneficial in helping individuals to improve. However, excessive criticism can have a negative impact on self-esteem and confidence. It would be beneficial for the questioner to have a conversation with her mother to discuss her concerns and find a way to bridge the communication gap. This could involve identifying common ground and working towards a solution that benefits both parties.

It would be beneficial to have a discussion with your mother to gain a better understanding of her perspective.

It is important to understand parents' perspectives.

It would be beneficial to analyze this matter on a case-by-case basis, depending on the specific issue at hand, in order to provide a rational response from the perspective of an outsider. It seems that my mother's education is still mainly based on

First, it is essential to comprehend the underlying motives of your parents. While it may appear that your mother is engaged in a dispute with you, it is likely that she is actually considering your well-being and may have differing perspectives from yours.

It is important to communicate more.

It is important to communicate more.

It would also be beneficial to communicate more frequently with your parents to facilitate their understanding of the thoughts and practices of the younger generation. Moreover, it is crucial to understand your parents' perspectives, as this understanding is essential for your personal growth and well-being.

It is advisable to calm down before engaging in a discussion.

In the event of a disagreement, it is advisable to take a moment to compose yourself before proceeding.

If a disagreement arises, it is advisable to take a moment to compose yourself before responding. One effective technique is to take a few deep breaths.

It is not uncommon for individuals to experience a shift in emotions following an intense argument. Once the initial surge of anger has subsided, it is often the case that the underlying feelings of frustration or resentment have also diminished.

I hope my response is helpful to the original poster. Best regards,

I hope my response will prove useful to the original poster. Best regards,

Hello, question asker! I'm thrilled to discuss your question with you.

From the description of the questioner, it's clear that the questioner's mother is a parent who likes to challenge her children. It must have been a fascinating experience for the questioner to grow up under her mother's guidance! Why does the questioner's mother always challenge the questioner?

Could it also be related to her own personality? I think it's very likely that the questioner's mother is a narcissistic parent!

Dealing with a narcissistic parent is a wild ride! They love to reject their child, and they'll often say that the child is wrong if they don't do what they want. So, what about a narcissistic mother?

I'm excited to answer each of the questions for the poster and help her get along with her narcissistic parent!

First, let's dive into the fascinating world of narcissistic personalities! How is this personality type formed?

Narcissistic personality disorder is a fascinating personality disorder that is often misunderstood. The basic characteristic is an exaggerated sense of self-worth. Paradoxically, despite this arrogance, narcissists often experience a fragile low self-esteem for a long time. They always think that they are superior, and if the other person does not meet their values, they will belittle the other person and even severely attack the other person with violence.

So how is this fascinating narcissistic personality formed? It's because parents with narcissistic personalities often have a judgmental atmosphere in their early family lives, and narcissists in their early years also feel that at certain special moments, they are the ones who are full of value.

Second, let's dive into the fascinating world of narcissistic personalities! How did she behave in the family?

Why?

A narcissistic personality often responds to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation. They love to boss people around and make them serve their own purposes!

She's got a big, bold personality and is always ready to show off her talents. She's got a strong sense of self and believes that the issues she cares about are one-of-a-kind.

They have big, bold dreams of unlimited success, power, glory, beauty, and ideal love. They believe they deserve privileges others don't have, and they're ready to go out and get them!

They crave constant attention and praise! They lack empathy and are highly jealous.

Now, let's dive into how she treats her children in the family. The narcissistic personality doesn't take children's emotions seriously and considers them unimportant.

They ignore their children's emotions or fail to share their emotions with them, hoping that their children's negative emotions will disappear as soon as possible. They make fun of or ignore their children's emotions, believing that their children's emotions are irrational and that they are not interested in what their children say.

They believe that their child's negative emotions are a sign of poor adjustment and that their child is bringing them shame.

Why does she behave like this? Narcissistic parents oscillate between omnipotence, exaggeration, arrogance, and inferiority. Usually one pole is stable, and the other pole will be expelled.

This is why the questioner often feels that their mother is cold and indifferent, and that her emotions are completely determined by her internal boundaries.

Because she can never get emotional feedback from her mother, the question asker will experience negative emotions such as irritability and stress. But here's the good news! These negative emotions have even affected the question asker's body, making her feel uncomfortable when she thinks about her mother.

In the family, the father could have paid more attention to the topic starter's emotions. This would have helped the topic starter to release her emotions properly. Fortunately, they did not cause significant harm to the topic starter. So does the topic starter understand the reasons for her physical condition?

Now for the big question: how do you get along with a narcissistic parent?

Narcissistic mothers have a negative attitude towards their children. If they cannot get what they want, they may even resort to violence. I don't know if the OP's mother is like this, so how do you get along with a narcissistic mother?

I've got a few more tips to share with you!

Absolutely do not confront her when she is being aggressive!

If your mother has aggressive behavior, don't confront her! For example, if she belittles you, don't argue back. Instead, think to yourself that she is sick and don't engage with her. You can even take the initiative to verbally admit your mistake to her. If she keeps negating you, you can leave the situation or pause the call until she calms down and then communicate again.

Be sure to praise your mother more and avoid commenting on her mistakes!

If the mother has done something wrong, don't worry about it! Just ignore it or take the initiative to say that she has not done a good job, so as to calm her emotions. Do not comment on the unreasonable things she has done, just praise her a little, and avoid conflicts with her.

Set some great rules and everyone will be happy to follow them!

Narcissistic personalities are pleasantly surprised by positive feedback and rules from the outside world. Once she has set the rules that she approves of, she will also abide by them. So it is best to negotiate a good agreement that everyone can abide by, so that the mother will not attack the questioner at will.

In short, when dealing with a narcissistic mother, she will often deny her children, have little tolerance for failure, and not look for the reasons in herself. All the mistakes are others' and the most typical character is Trump. Moreover, her character has already been formed. If she is not aware of her mistakes and has no desire to change, it is difficult for her to make changes. So the questioner just needs to be herself and live her life!

I really hope my answer helps!

Hello, question asker!

After reading your question, I really understand your dilemma. First, I'd like to give you a warm hug.

The challenges you're facing:

1. After graduating from university, I had a lot of arguments with my mother. She rejected me and blamed me for things.

2. After living with her husband for a few years, she thought she was better, but she still felt uncomfortable, stressed, and irritable when it came to her mother.

3. Running away makes things worse, so how do you do it?

Problem analysis:

1. When the questioner was young, his mother was quite controlling. She said that things were one way and that was the way they were, and never argued with her. She just got used to it. When the questioner became an adult, he slowly developed the ability to think independently, and realized that many of his mother's previous actions or thoughts were problematic and not objective or rational. As a result, he would inevitably have conflicts with his mother, who was used to being strong and controlling.

On the other hand, mothers are getting older, and it may not be necessary to argue about who is right and who is wrong. They just need companionship and a sense of existence.

2. After living with her husband for a few years, she seems to be at peace, but she's really just avoiding the problems she has with her mother. She just hides them and pretends they don't exist, but the problems are always there.

Mothers may also feel a sense of disappointment and loss because they feel that they are no longer relevant to their children. This is often because they have become less connected over time, and they feel that their children no longer listen to them because they are getting old.

3. The issue will always be there, so there's no need to avoid it. The key is to figure out what's causing the issue and how to fix it, and to pay attention to the differences between the two sides.

4. The questioner is feeling pretty depleted mentally, overthinking things, and is sensitive and vulnerable.

Here's the solution:

(1) Accept yourself and your mother unconditionally. There will be conflicts between the two sides, which may be due to differences in how they think.

(2) Think about your mother's behavior in a rational way. Her way of raising you is inevitable and has some limitations.

(3) Don't let the daily internal conflict with yourself get in the way. Think less and act more.

(4) Get a good grasp on your family's stance. Don't shy away from it. Accept it for what it is. Mothers are like that. Let her be.

(5) You can make a quick reference card to help you remember where the differences are in your arguments with your mother, understand them rationally, and find out where the problem lies.

(6) It's important to understand that no matter how they argue, their mother's motives are still out of love. She just sometimes doesn't handle things properly, and there are problems with the way she communicates.

(7) Use non-violent communication to describe what happened to your mother and yourself, express your feelings honestly, and ask for specific actions.

(8) Try to find a way to let off some steam. You could go for a run, play some ball games, go for a hike, or something else.

(9) You can cook your mother's favorite meal, prepare some of her favorite gifts, and apologize to your mother. Love always wins, right?

I hope this helps. Best regards, [Name]

Hello, question asker! I'm happy to connect with you here.

Let's go over what you said:

& I've had arguments with my mother ever since I graduated from university.

& Your mother will probably deny everything you say and do.

After living with my husband for a few years, I thought I was over it, but when we reconnected, it brought up old issues.

It's tough when you have a mother like that. You don't get the recognition you deserve from those closest to you, and you're also being denied and suppressed.

This is really tough for you.

Write about your experiences.

You might want to try writing down everything you want to say to your mother. In the process of writing, you can let out your emotions, such as wanting to argue with your mother or even scold her. Just write it all out, and you'll feel better.

Have a chat with your husband.

You can talk to your husband about what you've been through. In the process, you'll get the love and support he gives you, so you'll feel recognized and supported. This way, you'll feel like someone gets you and supports you, and you'll feel empowered.

It's also important to understand your mother's upbringing.

Could your mother's constant rejection and blaming of you be related to her upbringing? It's possible that when she was growing up, she was also blamed and never acknowledged or supported.

If that's the case, then your mother's interactions with you are a reflection of her upbringing. She hasn't been nurtured and hasn't experienced the feeling of being nurtured, so she's only able to do what she's seen and experienced.

& Look into counseling to help you grow.

If you can, you might want to look into counseling. There are counselors on the Yixinli platform and offline who can help you work through your issues.

Write your mother a letter.

You can also write a letter to your mother, laying out everything you want to say to her so she can see the harm she's caused you. Some parents think they're doing you a favor, not harming you, but this approach will help you confront the harm she's caused.

All right, I'm just me. Please let me know if my answer gives you a new perspective or is useful to you in some way.

A mother plays an important role in our lives, occupying a significant portion of our psychological space. A strained or even broken relationship with our mother can have a profound impact on our well-being, affecting our physical and mental health.

The current state of your relationship with your mother is having a detrimental impact on your physical and mental well-being. I hope the following information will provide you with the support you need and encourage you to think in new ways.

1. Please review your relationship with your mother and identify the factors that led to a change in the dynamic following your graduation from university.

The comment states that the only issue between you and your mother was conflict, and that the relationship had become cold, which occurred after you graduated from college.

This change in the time point allows us to consider two possible scenarios:

1. Prior to graduating from college, was your relationship with your mother still positive and relatively amicable?

2. Certain occurrences that transpired around the time of graduation may assist in identifying factors that contributed to the evolution of the mother-daughter relationship.

Please consider the following two points:

On the one hand, it can assist in recalling the details of your time with your mother when the relationship was more positive. Reflecting on these experiences can help to understand that the relationship was not inherently problematic from the outset, which provides the potential for transformation.

From another perspective, it enables us to comprehend how the relationship deteriorated to the point of being fraught with conflict and disagreement. Furthermore, these incidents and comments that give rise to discord and contention will assist us in gaining deeper insight into the underlying issues.

2. In the event of a deterioration or even a breakdown in the relationship, it is important to identify what aspects can be worked on and what aspects cannot be changed.

The breakdown in the relationship with your mother can be attributed to her adoption of a total rejection and blaming attitude towards your actions and words.

This attitude of being rejected has a direct impact on the relationship.

Initially, you attempted to achieve inner peace by distancing yourself from your parents. However, you failed to recognize that a single interaction had a 50%+ chance of causing discomfort, severe stress, and irritation.

This ultimately results in a state of stress when in the presence of your mother.

This is an attempt on your part, but it is not currently achieving the desired result.

This kind of effort is an attempt on your part. It is currently ineffective.

Please reflect on your previous attempts to navigate your mother's rejection and accusations. Which of these strategies proved effective, and which were less successful?

These interactions also assist in developing a more accurate understanding of our expectations of the relationship and our attitudes towards each other. This enables us to identify areas for continued improvement and those that are beyond our control.

3. Continue to work diligently and adopt a new perspective on the unchangeable aspects.

3. Continue to work hard and adopt a new perspective on the unchangeable part.

In this process,

One aspect of the approach involves the aforementioned element, which we believe to be effective and capable of facilitating a breakthrough in the relationship.

With regard to the unchangeable aspects of the relationship, it may be helpful to attempt to address them by accepting them as part of the current dynamic. This aspect may be particularly pertinent to the relationship with one's mother. It is important to note that these aspects do not solely belong to either party.

This is a characteristic of the relationship itself. Identifying and acknowledging the irreconcilable aspects of a relationship is akin to addressing the inherent imperfections in a person.

It is important to detach this aspect from the voices of negation and accusation. It is not your responsibility, but rather a matter for the relationship.

It is important to understand the situation, recognize it, and avoid becoming overly invested in it.

Please accept our best wishes for success.

Please accept our best wishes for your continued success.

Hello! I can see you're feeling confused. But don't worry, I'm here to help! When you only argue with your mother and your relationship with her has broken down, it can feel like a big problem. But I can help you work through it! From your account, I can see your pain and helplessness, and I know the root of the problem lies in your relationship with your mother.

Adler said something really interesting. He said that a happy childhood heals for a lifetime, while an unhappy childhood takes a lifetime to heal.

You say that no matter what you say or do, you will be rejected and blamed from head to toe. What is the reason for the unbearable sense of oppression in the hearts of children growing up in this environment?

I'm so excited to hear more about your mother and her upbringing! I'm curious, does your mother treat you this way? Could it be because of the patriarchal values in her environment, or because her own upbringing was like this? I'm really interested in learning more about what kind of education she received in her time and how it shaped the way she would later educate you.

And there's more! People will handle the same situation differently depending on their position and perspective.

There are three main types of parents, and each one is special in their own way!

One type of parent is the absolute best! They give their child love and support, but also freedom. Such a child is the luckiest!

Even if they can't give their kids enough love, less-than-ideal parents still give them the freedom to soar! They set boundaries and let their kids spread their wings, creating a path for them to explore and discover.

The worst parents are the ones who can't give love. They're missing the understanding, respect, trust, and appreciation that every child deserves. And they have a strong desire for control. They want their children to be the best, to outperform all the other children.

Have you ever wondered why you can't seem to get along with your mother? It might be worth trying to communicate with her to find out more.

You said you chose to escape and not live with your mother, which is a great decision!

It's so common to want to escape when we're facing a problem. We just want to get away from the situation at the time. But here's the thing: the problem won't go away!

Problems are not problems! The reason people are trapped is because they have not yet found a suitable solution.

We can't ask our parents to change, but we can start with ourselves!

Blaming and complaining will only make you more immature. But there is a better way! If you accept, understand, love, and appreciate your parents, you can accept the past and look to the future.

You may not be able to accept this, but you can!

Then, just let it all out!

You can try something really cool! Write down all the past events and the grievances you have suffered. Use ink, paper, and a writing brush to get those emotions out of you! Decades of emotional repression are buried deep inside, and only by speaking out can you escape this pain.

Or try the amazing empty chair technique! Simply put a chair opposite you, imagine your mother sitting in it, and pour out all your grievances.

If you feel that the above two methods aren't right for you, then choose an appropriate opportunity to directly talk to your mother and communicate with her.

You can't make a drum without beating it, and you can't make yourself understood without speaking! Parents may sometimes be surprised at why they are so emotionally distant from us, but there's no need to be!

Once you've adjusted your emotional bond with your mother, you'll see a change in your state of mind. And that's something to get excited about! It'll also have a positive impact on your children.

So, accept your mother's past behavior and adjust your self! If you lack energy, seek professional counseling and get back to your amazing self!

I am Yunqing, and I love you all so much!

Insightful sharing is a great habit to get into! I am talking to myself.

In light of your confusion, I'm thrilled to share with you today the topic of the negative impact of the original family on our lives. I truly hope that these insights will bring you some inspiration! The content shared in this article is excerpted from the book "Healing from the wounds of the original family."

Now, let's dive into the fascinating topic of family of origin wounds! The first step is understanding what they are.

Any behavior by a parent that is not nourishing or loving toward their child, or any parent who makes their child feel ashamed of their own nature, can be called a "primary family wound." But the good news is that we can overcome these challenges and create a healthy family!

So, what does a healthy family look like?

A healthy family doesn't need perfect parents, but they do need "good enough" parents! These "good enough" parents are perfectly imperfect, making mistakes and failing sometimes. But their mistakes are just right for us to grow up with. They don't exceed our physical and mental development and maturity, so their mistakes won't cause unhealed wounds in our growth.

At the same time, parents in a healthy family understand that we were born because our parents wanted us to be here! They brought us into this world, and we are so lucky to have them. Parents in healthy families cherish their children as a natural gift. They understand that children's self-worth is innate and that children don't have to do anything to "earn" their parents' love.

2. Being put on "the spot" in the family of origin.

Children are so lucky to have parents who love them unconditionally! They may not be able to choose their parents or understand their emotional changes, but they can adapt to their family and survive.

Children have a unique opportunity to learn and grow in a family setting. Unlike adults, they cannot seek help from other authorities. Their parents are the "authority." They cannot go out and rent a house to live on their own, nor can they move in with someone else. They can only rely on their nurturers, which provides a special opportunity for them to learn and grow in a family setting.

3. The price of the "mask," toxic shame.

Since masks help children adapt to the original family environment created by their parents, it would be great to find out why we are wearing masks and becoming increasingly miserable!

And that's why there's a price to pay for putting on a mask and becoming a false self. But it's a price worth paying! It's a constant, intense sense of shame.

We must embrace the endless shame of our true selves to let our false selves shine!

This sense of shame is not about feeling ashamed and guilty after doing something wrong. It's about something much more profound! It's about feeling that you yourself are a kind of mistake, a devaluation of your own value as a human being. And guess what? American psychologist John Bray Shaw calls this sense of shame "toxic shame."

So, what kind of impact does toxic shame have on us? Let's find out!

Avoidance is a fascinating phenomenon!

2. Loss of trust.

3. Learned helplessness.

So, should we allow ourselves to be angry? Absolutely!

In the Chinese culture of filial piety, we have the incredible opportunity to tap into a collective unconscious that

Our parents gave us life, so they have the right to do whatever they want to us. For most children who grew up in traditional Chinese culture, their parents are sacred and authoritative beings—and we love them for it!

Even though we know rationally that the original family wounds inflicted by our parents have plunged us into a bitter quagmire, we still feel responsible, bad, and "deserving" on an emotional level. This is our opportunity to shift our perspective! We can choose to let go of the anger towards our parents and embrace a new way of being. We can become the best version of ourselves and break free from the cycle of being "filial."

Sometimes we prefer to turn such anger inward, and we fall back into the vicious cycle of denial. But there's a way out!

Now that we've shared this, let's get back to your reality. I think you'll be really excited to hear why you haven't been able to heal this rift with your mother for so long. The wounds of the original family have had a significant impact on our lives. We no longer have to pursue who is right and who is wrong. Only when the interference of self-defense mechanisms is eliminated can we further recognize these impacts.

I'm excited to share this with you because I truly believe it will help you see the cause of your current state in a new light. Instead of dwelling on it and suppressing it, you can now clearly understand that this situation is not due to your lack of ability or doing. It's actually because you and your mother need to face together the pain of the relationship in the past.

And now for something really exciting! I'd like to share with you some psychological insights: forgiveness.

Psychologically, forgiveness is the key to a happy and fulfilling life! When we cannot get what we want, forgiveness allows us to face reality with equanimity and accept life.

Forgiving our parents is a truly liberating experience! It means that we no longer resent or complain about the wounds inflicted on us by our parents in our original family. We also no longer dwell on how to "do unto others as they have done unto us." Instead, we joyfully acknowledge and accept the wounds of our original family. And the best part? We no longer have hostile emotional reactions to these wounds!

Instead of dwelling on past pains, we believe it is more important to live in the present and imagine the future! We don't want to miss the beauty and kindness around us in the present because we are immersed in the pain of the past — so let's focus on the present and the future!

Forgiveness is not reconciliation, however. We don't have to shake hands with our parents or approve of their actions. Forgiveness is not denial either. We'll always face the wounds of our past head-on. Forgiveness is not condoning either. We'll keep protecting ourselves from the wounds of our past. We know that living a healthy, happy, and enjoyable life is the best revenge against the wounds of our past!

We really hope you understand: we are proving to the wounds of our original families with our actions that we are not controlled by them!

Best wishes for continued improvement! You've got this!

Dear questioner, Thanks for the question.

After reading your question, I can see how you're feeling. It's clear you're struggling with pain, depression, and irritation.

1. About the mother's denial and accusations.

Regarding the part about feeling like no matter what you say or do, you'll be rejected and blamed,

The book Healing Hidden Abuse says that psychological abuse is when someone uses long-term mental, verbal, and emotional violence to hurt you. This can cause serious harm to your mind and spirit through things like humiliation, disregard, isolation, cold war, belittling, cursing, threats, slander, and slander. This can happen in relationships between lovers and family members.

It can be a disagreement between couples or family members, or it can be a lack of respect between friends. It can also be a conflict between colleagues, superiors, and subordinates.

So, we need to understand that blaming and denying aren't love. They're a form of hidden emotional abuse.

2. Let's talk about conflicts with our mothers.

It's not the fact of having a conflict with our mother that's the issue. It's how we perceive that conflict.

If we think we shouldn't be in conflict with our mothers, but we are, it means we're actually in conflict with our true selves. This can lead to feelings of guilt and pain, which are normal emotional experiences.

It's easy to get angry when our mothers accuse and deny us. As adults, we need respect, and we need it a lot.

The conflict is actually a very important lesson in growing up.

3. What should I do?

Regarding the part about "running away didn't help, and it didn't improve things with her. It just made things worse. What should I do...",

My advice is to achieve a kind of symbiotic separation and establish and maintain good mental boundaries.

Marshall McLuhan said,

"We can only break free from the shackles of verbal violence by learning to listen to our own voices."

Please respect your feelings and accept that you are sad, frustrated, distressed, and even angry. We can always accept the good intentions of others, but we can also reject their "simple and rude" expressions, including our own mothers.

It's important to know how to get out of the victim's life script because there's nothing wrong with wanting to express love and gratitude to your parents.

It's time to let go of your expectations of your mother and take back control of your life. At the same time, protect your own mental boundaries, allow yourself to refuse harm, and believe that you are always worthy of being treated gently and can always experience more authentic and nourishing relationships.

Everyone is born a human being, and every life is inherently lovely and worthy of respect, including yours. The world and I love you.

Following my graduation from university, there was a notable shift in the dynamic between myself and my mother. Despite my efforts to communicate effectively and demonstrate positive contributions, I consistently faced negation and blame from her.

After residing with my husband for several years without my parents, I anticipated a greater sense of tranquility. However, as long as I maintain contact with my mother, there is a 50% probability that I will experience feelings of unease, stress, and irritability. Evading the situation did not facilitate healing, nor did it improve the relationship with my mother. Instead, it intensified the distress.

What is the recommended course of action?

From your description, I can appreciate the confusion, helplessness, and pain you are experiencing at the hands of your mother, who is your closest family member. I also went through a similar experience for quite some time.

I empathize with your situation, but I must admit that I lack a viable solution. From your description, it appears that numerous challenging interactions with your mother have led to a sense of discomfort. Conversely, it seems that your mother does not experience such difficulties when interacting with others. Is it also the case that your mother does not have many conflicts with you when she interacts with other individuals?

It is not a matter of changing oneself or one's mother that will solve the problem. The issue stems from the way in which one gets along with one's mother.

The issue at hand is a relationship problem, not a problem with a particular person. Therefore, it is essential to interpret these problems from a relationship perspective. To effectively address the issue, it is necessary to gain a comprehensive understanding of relationships. This process may require significant time and effort to achieve. Once you have reached a certain level of personal growth, you will be able to reflect on the present situation and recognize that any challenge can be overcome. At this stage, it is important to avoid rushing to improve your relationship with your mother. Instead, it is essential to accept the current reality and learn how to navigate a relationship with a mother who may not meet your ideal standards. It is important to understand that our relationship with our parents is not solely defined by intimacy. While intimacy is undoubtedly a valuable aspect, it is not the only factor that shapes our relationship with our mother. Your mother's treatment of you is influenced by her perception of you, which is not something you can directly change.

I would recommend reading some books by Li Songwei on the subject of relationships.

If I might make a suggestion, I believe that the best course of action would be to compromise and find a middle ground. I have recently come to understand the value of understanding and tolerance in these situations.

Often, we find ourselves in disagreements because we may not fully comprehend the inner workings of another person's mind. We may not fully grasp the underlying needs of a situation, and we yearn to be seen and understood.

It's akin to someone with a stomachache who is longing for someone to show them care and attention, even a kind word can make a difference. Similarly, a simple gesture like asking about their health can make a positive impact.

It is, however, not always easy to see things clearly, especially when we are angry. We may even find ourselves ignoring others' inner appeals in such moments.

It's understandable that you argue with your mother because you feel blamed and rejected. However, the more she rejects you, the more you want her to recognize you and affirm you. This is a common human experience.

It's natural to want more when we don't get what we want. When we want a little more, it can lead to some challenges. But at the heart of it, it's our desire that causes us to feel bad when we don't get what we want.

There are two possible courses of action. One is to try to work it out for yourself, forgive yourself, and not worry too much about what your mother says. Tell yourself from the bottom of your heart that what your mother said is simply not true.

Another option is to try to find a way to communicate and try to find a balance in communicating with your mother, a point where both parties are comfortable. When communicating with your mother, you might like to consider expressing your feelings and describing your emotions, for example, by saying that you were very sad, heartbroken, or that you blamed yourself.

It might be helpful to let her see your feelings clearly. I know it's not easy, but it does seem to work for some people.

There are many books on these communication methods that you can study and try to do as best as you can. Even if you do have another argument with your mother, you might find it helpful to pull yourself out of the situation. For example, if you want to argue back, you could say something like, "I'd like to calm down for a moment, and then I'll leave."

It would be beneficial to communicate afterwards, as this can help to avoid any misunderstandings. Otherwise, it's possible to say things in the moment that may not be entirely accurate, which could potentially lead to hurt feelings.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider why this is being done.

From the perspective of those outside the family, you are perceived as respectful and sensible. As the younger generation, you are expected to be polite when speaking to elders. This is because young people can often withstand a great deal of pressure, whereas the elderly may become more emotionally vulnerable as they age.

It might be helpful to try to identify what your mother disapproves of in you. It's up to you to decide whether this is right or wrong, but it's something you might want to think about.

It might also be helpful to consider whether you approve of yourself. For instance, if you believe you are a beautiful person and many people think you are beautiful, you may not be unduly affected by someone who comes out and says you are not beautiful, because you already have a positive self-image.

It is a concern that even if everyone says you are beautiful, if you don't think you are beautiful and your mother also thinks you are not beautiful, you may develop a negative feeling towards your mother for saying you are not beautiful. This could be the case even if you feel you are beautiful.

It may be helpful to listen more to the voice inside and learn to love the child inside you. It might also be beneficial to accept the fact that your mother criticizes you. If she criticizes too much, you could gently guide her, like a child, to correct this excessive behavior.

These methods can be guided by you or your father, and also gradually guided over the long-term process. It is important to remember that changing a person is not an easy task. It is best to approach it with patience and understanding, as it can only be diminished continuously, but not completely changed.

Perhaps it would be helpful to try to understand.

Everyone has areas for improvement. If you can accept other people's shortcomings, let go, and finally let go of yourself, and stop being overly concerned with how good you are and how amazing you are, then you can truly be free from worries.

Distract yourself.

Let's be clear: when it comes to arguments, it's you fighting me, and it's a matter of the two of you.

It's simply not possible to get along with everyone all the time, including our parents, children, or loved ones.

When you disagree, don't assume the other person needs to change their attitude. They may be thinking the same thing, and neither of you wants to give in. This forces the other to submit to you.

Whoever suffers changes. We cannot change anyone because we cannot control other people's thoughts. Even if the other person bows to you, it is not you who have changed them, but they who have convinced themselves.

Let me be clear: you and your mother are always arguing, which makes you feel confused. You have to try to change yourself because your mother will never change, at least not by you.

You must change yourself, become adept at self-adjustment, and recognize that those who change over time are wise.

Long live understanding!

Don't doubt your mother's love for you. She may make mistakes, but she loves you. Be more understanding of your mother. Avoid direct conflicts with her, and you will avoid many unnecessary conflicts.

You are young and have a career, so you are better than your mother in terms of both knowledge and ability. Don't argue with her. Be happy. If she argues with you, change the subject or pretend you didn't hear her.

It's time to remodel your relationships.

Everything in life is a relationship. Your relationship with your mother is a marriage, and your relationship with your father is a relationship with wealth.

If you repair and maintain these two relationships, your life will be happier and more fulfilling.

You are blessed!

Hello, topic starter! I'm sending you a virtual hug, too.

I've also experienced something similar to what you've described. The difference is that your mother will blame and deny you, while my parents always encouraged me to study and improve. They always reminded me that if I didn't advance, I would fall behind. Even though I've been working for many years, they still demand the same of me. Growing up in such an anxious and tense atmosphere, even as an adult, it's not easy to chat with them (no matter what the topic is). My body and nerves involuntarily tense up.

At first, I did what you did, which was to live alone with my husband in Beijing. I didn't go back to my hometown for a long time, which gave me a rare sense of peace. I just called my parents every once in a while, and I felt a bit tired after each call. In short, being with my parents was not relaxing.

When I think back to my husband, I feel really relaxed around him. He was my university classmate, and although he wasn't as academic as I was, he's a spontaneous, open-minded, laid-back person. He doesn't stress about grades, performance, success, or the meaning of life. He also takes life seriously and loves it. He just loves life and work naturally and without worrying too much.

I think you prefer being with your husband because he's more relaxed and you don't have to worry about him criticizing or rejecting you, which makes you feel more at ease. So first of all, I want to congratulate you on meeting a good husband. A good marriage can heal people, and it seems that you've met one.

If we think about the existence of such people, can we take a deep breath and feel that we are not that miserable and bad? We are not alone in this struggle, but we have love for our loved ones. We have resources to rely on to solve problems in life. Our loved ones are our resources. We can share our hearts when we are in a bad mood without worrying about being blamed.

Once you've had a chance to calm down, you can start thinking about how to handle your relationship with your parents. After all, they're your parents, and if you can't get past the issues you have with them, you might never be truly at peace.

I noticed you said that the warmth between you is gone. This is a very important piece of information. It means that: 1. You and your mother were once very close. This means that the foundation of your relationship is good. As long as you find the right way in the future, there's a good chance you can restore the warmth. We must have confidence. Once we are about to waver, when we can't hold on anymore, we can recall those beautiful times with our mothers and continue moving forward. 2. There must be a reason that has caused the warmth to disappear.

In this world, there's always a reason behind love and hatred. We just need to find out what that reason is.

The warmth disappeared after graduation from university. This is a very special moment. What happened at home that made your mother change so much? We can look at this from a few different angles:

Can you tell me what was going on at home at the time? Did your parents keep anything from you?

I don't see you mention your father. Could you ask your father or other relatives in the family or your mother's close friends?

Sometimes, special life events can also affect people. These events have caused your mother stress, anxiety, and even fear. Perhaps your mother is very strong-willed and is unwilling to share her feelings with you. She is suppressing her feelings inside, and after a long time of suppression, she will express them in various negative emotions. In fact, these are all signals from people asking for help.

Can you tell me how old your mother was when you graduated from university? And how is her physical condition, and how often does she have a medical check-up?

When was your last physical? What were the results?

How's her sleep? How's her diet?

Is her daily routine regular? Apart from your mood swings, how are her relationships with other people? Have they changed at all?

As a woman gets older, her body goes through some big changes, especially during menopause, when hormone levels drop a lot, which can cause a lot of physical and mental discomfort. I used to only hear about menopause syndrome. Later, I experienced something similar to a sharp drop in hormone levels (I'm 36). At 33, I had IVF and took hormone-lowering injections to quickly lower my hormone levels. This is a technical treatment, and I won't go into the details. I experienced the menopausal reaction in advance, and it was really unbearable. My body ached, I felt weak and faint, I sweated, and my mood was sometimes irritable and sometimes low.

I'd recommend keeping an eye on your mother's physical condition, as these changes can affect her mood.

Does your mother approve of your career or marriage choices? It's possible that she didn't approve of your career choice since this happened after you graduated from university and were about to start working.

Since you're getting married and moving away soon, does she disapprove of your spouse or the fact that you'll be moving away?

If this applies to you, you can try to talk to your mother about her concerns, be open and honest with her, and clarify your current work and marital status to reassure her. This may mean you need to call (from a different location) or meet in person every once in a while to chat about how your work is going and how your daily life is going.

It's important to avoid letting her keep guessing. When we guess, we often think irrationally, which can lead to conflict.

Once you've graduated from university, you'll start a family and build a career, becoming completely independent. You used to rely on each other, but now she can only watch your back. Perhaps your mother has been full of worry, loss and helplessness from that time on, but strong-willed mothers won't show these emotions. Instead, they'll express them in a critical and instructive manner, trying to prove that they're still valuable and needed by their children.

If we push them away, they'll feel even more worried, sad, and helpless. They'll show their discontent, accusations, or advice more often because they're afraid we're really going to leave and abandon them.

Once I had figured all of this out, I made an effort to improve my relationship with my parents. As I was living far away, I often called to "report" on my current situation and ask about theirs. Since my child was young, I asked my mother to help take care of my child as an excuse to invite her to Beijing. In fact, the family already had an ayi and a husband, so they didn't need my mother, but I still used this method to maintain a psychological connection with her.

I hope you and your mother can reconcile soon and get back to a good place. I wish you peace of mind and love!

I hope you find peace of mind and love!

It might be helpful to give each other hugs.

After years of inner peace, the connection with my mother once again brought up feelings of pain, stress, and irritability, as well as a sense of suppressed anger and powerlessness.

It may be helpful to recognize that avoiding your mother will bring you peace of mind in the short term, but that repeating the situation will likely lead to a recurrence of the painful experience. Avoidance may not be a sustainable solution, so it's important to find the courage to face the situation with bravery and openness.

It might be helpful to review the past and identify the underlying reason.

After you graduated from university, you and your mother only argued. Could there have been something that happened during this period that caused this? Perhaps there was a disagreement about something. If so, it might be helpful to identify the core reason and look for a solution.

It might be helpful to try to identify any patterns in your interactions with your mother.

If you feel uncomfortable in more than half of your communication with your mother, it would be helpful to consider what you feel is the usual cause of these uncomfortable feelings, as well as the content and method of your discussions when you do feel comfortable.

***Empathy

It might be helpful to consider your mother's life and perspective in order to gain a deeper understanding of her actions and motivations. By doing so, you may find that you can tolerate her actions and opinions with greater ease.

It would be beneficial to express emotions in a courageous manner.

From what you've shared, it seems like your mother may be more dominant, and you may feel like you can't resist or choose to escape. It's important to remember that there is no right or wrong in emotions. When you feel hurt, it can be helpful to express your emotions in a brave and honest way. If you find it challenging to do so initially, try expressing your feelings a few more times. I believe your mother will be able to feel your pain.

It might be helpful to learn to say no and to find ways to limit her interference in your life. For example, my mother and I would often disagree about my decision to leave my previous stable job and pursue a career in psychology. I recognize that she may not have the same level of education and knowledge as I do, and that this can make it challenging for her to fully understand my needs and decisions.

I found that the best way to handle the situation was to simply laugh it off and move on. Over time, we discussed the issue less and I was able to continue pursuing the things I enjoyed.

It would be beneficial for you to find a support system.

From what you've shared, it seems like you're the primary person dealing with your mother. I'm wondering if your other relatives and friends have a similar perception of your relationship. It would be great if you could find support from the resources around you.

I hope for your speedy recovery and that you and your mother can reconcile.

I would like to suggest that we consider the possibility that Wen Jun might have some insights to offer in this situation.

Good morning, dear.

You may find it helpful to consider becoming more self-aware in one of three ways.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider lowering expectations and demands in relationships, establishing self-identity, and finding a clear self-positioning.

Secondly, it may be helpful to consider separating your mother's life from your own. It is important to understand and respect her, while also seeking common ground and acknowledging differences. Focusing on your own improvement and growth could also be beneficial.

The three learn to communicate and express themselves, and find ways to replace arguments with more constructive forms of conversation.

It is possible that the mother's self-accusation and criticism of us may come from her ideal expectations for her children, as well as a part of the projection and transference of her own life failures. It is also important to consider the limitations of the mother herself, including her way of thinking, cognitive behavior, communication style, and education model, etc., all of which may have certain deficiencies and limitations.

The child may argue with the mother, defending himself with all his might, longing for her attention and understanding. He may also be fighting for the part of himself that wants to be seen, including the part that feels it is hurting the relationship and the part that feels the relationship with the mother is becoming distant. He may also want to mend the relationship, but in spirit and psychology, he may still be connected to his mother as an individual. He may not yet have realized that his mother's life and his own life are already independent individuals that need mutual respect, personal space, and differences. He may still be seeking that kind of closeness and attention and recognition from his mother.

Furthermore, it is possible that we may also take the attention and recognition that our mothers give us as the attention and recognition that we give ourselves. It is understandable that we may still see ourselves through our mothers' perspectives and evaluate ourselves based on the strength they give us. This could be a way for us to give ourselves affirmation and strength.

This is particularly relevant when there is a lack of affirmation and strength, support and recognition from us towards our mothers. In such instances, it is common for disputes to arise when the needs of both parties are not met and seen. This can result in prolonged arguments between the two parties, which can be damaging to both.

It would be remiss of us not to acknowledge the profound impact that our upbringing by our mothers has on us. This impact is deeply rooted in our subconscious, guiding our lives and the way we treat ourselves, and even affecting our relationships and every aspect of our lives.

Some mothers who are good at self-awareness and exploration may find that they have completely differentiated themselves from their mothers after having their own children. Mothers are often unconscious of their own behavior patterns, which can be difficult to recognize. After being treated in this way by their own children, and after developing greater self-awareness and exploration, some mothers may unconsciously repeat what their mothers said to them, particularly if it was a sentence that resonated with them at the beginning. This can lead to a sense of disconnect, as the mother may question how she is living more and more like her own mother.

This goes to show just how much our mothers can influence us.

It is important to note that this does not necessarily mean that they will repeat their mother's patterns and become like their mother. It simply indicates that the influence of our mother is still present, but that we will eventually have an independent and unique life. With regard to our own lives and marriages, including how we will treat our own children and families in the future, we will each have our own understanding and thoughts. We are two completely different people.

It is only at a certain stage or in a specific situation that we can begin to recognize the limitations we face as mothers, the challenges they have faced in their own upbringing and lives, and the expectations and hopes they have for their children. We can also gain insight into the ways they exert control over their children and project their own experiences of motherhood onto us.

At that point, it may become apparent that the mother's actions are not necessarily a reflection of a lack of love, but rather a manifestation of their own struggles and limitations. While the mother may have caused us pain and distress, it is possible that they are also grappling with their own pain and challenges.

It may be the case that by seeing and understanding the mother, we are also seeing our own wounds and ourselves.

It might be said that at first you saw your mother's shadow in yourself, and then, over time, you may have come to see your own reflection in your mother's body.

I believe you have done a commendable job of seeing and perceiving yourself and your relationship with your mother. It is possible that this stage of mother-daughter quarrels, along with many other parent-child relationships, has led to a situation where we see only harm between each other. It is understandable that this has made our relationship more stressful and even scarred. However, with time and patience, we can gradually adjust our attitude and approach if we want to achieve a positive outcome.

At this crossroads, children often take different paths. Some may gradually become more distant, while others may actively seek a relationship and mode of interaction that is more comfortable and free.

At the beginning of the relationship, there is an inclusive concession, for example, on a matter of opinion or a way to solve a problem. Your mother may have her way, and you may have yours. If the two are completely incompatible, then, thanks to our insight, understanding, acceptance, and permission of our mother, we will make an inclusive concession. This does not mean that we have lost ourselves, but rather that we have a clearer and more certain understanding of ourselves. And we will not change our position, our ways, or our behavior, but will even be more determined than before. But throughout this process, you will find that there will be no more conflicts or arguments between you.

Dear questioner, I came across your question again by chance, so I would like to contribute to the conversation.

I appreciate you taking the time to ask this question.

There were some disagreements with my mother.

With regard to the part of the question that reads, "After graduating from college, there were only arguments between me and my mother, and no more warmth. No matter what I said or did, I was negated and blamed from top to bottom,"

It might be helpful to consider the reality of most parents' situations. Could this be aligned with the family dynamics of the questioner, and might further investigation be beneficial?

I would like to suggest that we consider the possibility that many parents are subconsciously worried that their children will leave them.

It is possible that they may unconsciously seek to exert control, belittle, deny, and blame their children to a certain extent.

It would be remiss of me not to mention the words of the esteemed psychiatrist and psychotherapist Zeng Qifeng, who once said:

It could be said that love creates separation, while abuse creates loyalty.

In simple terms, this suggests that if parents can provide their children with more psychological nourishment, such as acceptance, tolerance, and understanding, their children will flourish even more. This is an example of the separation that love can bring.

It is important to recognize that abuse can manifest in both overt and covert forms. When our feelings indicate that we are in pain, it is essential to pay attention to and be vigilant about the situation.

Could I ask what the source of this pain might be?

So, the questioner, you have the option of respecting your own feelings. When your feelings are saying, "I have been blamed and denied by my mother," it may be helpful to consider that something must have happened that is not quite right.

This could be a good first step towards self-awareness and awakening.

Regarding your situation of living with your husband, you seem to have found a great deal of peace.

It seems that you feel much better and calmer when you live with your husband. This may be because your husband does not accuse or reject you, unlike your mother.

Even your husband can still nourish your relationship, so you will feel calm and comfortable. It would be beneficial to cherish such relationships and feelings.

3. Regarding the issue of not healing oneself after running away.

Regarding the part "Running away did not heal me, nor did it mend my relationship with her. It only deepened the hurt. What should I do...",

I believe this is actually very relevant to the real situation. I once read a story that I hope will provide some inspiration. It is about the account of an anonymous visitor.

This anonymous visitor shared that his relationship with his mother was marked by a great deal of tension. Initially, he found himself entertaining the notion that if his mother were to pass away, he would be better off and experience a sense of relief from his feelings of distress. However, when his mother did indeed grow older and eventually pass away, he found himself still grappling with a profound sense of sadness and despair.

So, he sought the guidance of a counselor. Why might this be?

Perhaps the answer lies in the fact that, at first, his mother treated him in this way. It's possible that, later on, he continued to treat himself in a similar manner to how his mother treated him.

It may sound quite abusive, but it's important to understand that we are the ones who never let go of ourselves.

It's important to recognize that this is a common experience. Even if we've only been hurt once, we may still be hurting ourselves in our hearts.

For instance, could I ask why we are still so unhappy about our difficult mother, even though she is clearly not by our side and has clearly distanced herself?

It may be the case that we have fallen into the trap of being a victim again, which could be seen as a self-imposed prison. In such cases, self-healing may be a helpful approach.

4. Could you please tell me how I can heal myself?

It would be beneficial to achieve a symbiotic separation from our original family, set boundaries, achieve emotional differentiation, and avoid becoming entangled. As adults, it may be helpful to learn to deal with your emotions and try to see your inner child.

With the passage of time, our wounded parts will eventually heal, evolve, and be reborn. This is the natural law of life.

When we are able to get along with ourselves and achieve self-coherence, we gradually begin to develop the ability and energy to influence our relationships.

I hope the above answers are helpful to you. I wish you well in all your endeavors.

Hello, host. I'm Sweet Melon, a social worker at Whale.

From what you've shared, it seems like you're longing for your mother's care. I'm sending you a virtual hug to offer you some comfort.

It seems that you and your mother have differing perspectives on a number of issues, which often leads to disagreements. This can be frustrating for you, and it has resulted in you and your parents living separately.

I wonder if this situation might be because your mother would prefer you to become what she wants you to be.

It's possible that you may not fully comprehend your mother's actions, and you may feel that she doesn't fully understand or support you. However, from her perspective, she has gained more experience and considers a wider range of factors, which may contribute to her initial rejection.

I believe she has good intentions, but perhaps she doesn't fully consider your feelings, which could contribute to the conflicts.

I believe that family relationships require mutual understanding and support. It may not be helpful to simply deny or indulge.

Perhaps the original poster could consider talking to their mother and expressing their thoughts and feelings in a constructive manner. It might also be helpful to speak with their father about the situation and seek his guidance in navigating it.

The host is now a wife and will be a mother in the future. It is understandable that you would want your children to understand you and not misunderstand you.

It would be beneficial for family members to try to understand each other better.

I hope this message finds you well. I am writing to inquire about the possibility of your being Yixinli Jingyu, a social worker.