School is about to start, I hate that roommate, I'm afraid of getting along with people when school starts, what should I do?

Hello, my child. I am certain my answer will be of help to you.

It is a fact of life that when you live in a dormitory, you will encounter people with whom you have conflicts and contradictions. I understand this very well. So, when we encounter these conflicts, should we compromise?

You know it's true. When you compromise, you feel uncomfortable, and the other person won't change. You suppress your anger, but it won't go away. It will find an opportunity to erupt, which will have an even more negative impact on the relationship. So what should you do?

I advise you to:

Understand the reasons behind their actions. Accept them for who they are and adjust your expectations accordingly. When your expectations match reality, you won't be easily angered by their actions.

You say your roommate is grumpy, has argued with you, slams doors and shouts, is moody, and you haven't forgiven her. You get annoyed when you see her and don't know how to get along with her. You've had conflicts before and are worried they'll arise again.

Now, step out of your own roles and look at things from a third-party perspective. You'll see that her pattern of behavior isn't always like this. She's not just like this with you; she's like this with other people too. This is her mode of existence. If she doesn't want to change, no one can change her. She's grumpy and likes to yell. When she has conflicts with others, she's prone to emotional outbursts. Admit it: she's just like this, and it's difficult for her to change.

A person's upbringing, genetic traits, living environment, and educational background all play a role in shaping who they are today. It's important to understand that these factors don't suddenly make someone who they are. Everyone is complex and influenced by various factors, which is why everyone's behavior patterns are unique and everyone is different. We all have expectations of others. We hope they won't be short-tempered or yell at themselves when conflicts arise. However, the reality is that the other person is not such an existence. They will become very fierce when conflicts arise and speak louder.

As the saying goes, "A single thought can change everything." There are only three things in the world: our own affairs, other people's affairs, and the affairs of heaven. People are troubled because they don't take care of their own affairs and worry about other people's. Other people's actions and thoughts are other people's business, and we can't control them. Otherwise, if we want other people to become a different person, we will be very troubled.

You can control your own affairs by adjusting your expectations of her and accepting her for who she is. When you accept her for who she is, you won't be angry when she behaves similarly next time because you know this is her, this is who she is, and this is difficult to change. Of course, you can also communicate and express yourself, although it may not necessarily change her. But it can promote the development of your relationship and allow you to release your inner emotions and feel more relaxed.

2. Express your feelings and needs, as well as requests to the other person using non-violent communication. This will prevent the creation of new conflicts and facilitate the development of your relationship.

Read the books "Nonviolent Communication" and "Crucial Conversations" when you have time. They will help you communicate and express yourself in interpersonal relationships. The purpose of communication is not to prove who is right and who is wrong. It is to enable you to understand each other better through communication, which can resolve many misunderstandings in the relationship and enable you to have a deeper connection.

For example, as you said, a roommate installed a lamp on the bed frame below you, and sometimes when you were about to go to sleep, it would suddenly go off. You told her not to do that after 10:30 pm, but you still felt uncomfortable when you were lying in bed. You need to find a suitable time to express your feelings, needs, and specific requests to her.

It is crucial to choose the appropriate time and atmosphere for communication to ensure effective results. Attempting to communicate when neither party is in a positive frame of mind will inevitably lead to suboptimal outcomes, with both sides resorting to irrational arguments.

Choose a time when you're both relaxed and calm to express and communicate.

When communicating, follow these principles: don't judge, don't accuse, and don't make assumptions. Just state the facts. The steps are as follows: state the objective facts, express your feelings, express your needs, and make your request to the other person.

For example, regarding the installation of the desk lamp, you could say, "X, you installed the desk lamp under my bed after 10:30 p.m. that day, which made me feel uncomfortable and made it difficult for me to sleep. I expect you to respect me and my needs. In the future, can you install the lamp before 10:30 p.m.?" In fact, you can also listen to her feelings, thoughts, and needs. Perhaps she wasn't being ununderstanding and disrespectful, but she had a very important matter to attend to that day, which is why she went to install the lamp so late...

When you can really communicate in this way, you can feel each other's inner needs more, and you won't just argue about superficial things. Through expression and communication, the other person may not change, but you will find that when you can express your feelings and needs, you won't feel suffocated and will feel more comfortable and relaxed.

3. Adjust your emotions by adopting some ways to do so. You can also use good interpersonal relationships to "detoxify" bad ones.

You have a lot of emotions inside, and you need to release them. Emotions can only flow through release. Neither erupting nor suppressing them is a good way to release emotions. Use these methods to release your emotions:

Writing therapy is an effective way to release your emotions. Write down your feelings, emotions, and thoughts every day for 15 minutes. This will help you release your inner feelings of depression, anger, and unhappiness.

Release and relieve emotions through exercise. Go and do your favorite sport. Exercise will make our body produce endorphins and dopamine, which will make us feel happy both physically and mentally. In particular, exercise will relieve and release some angry and suppressed emotions.

Seek support from your relationships and find the right people to talk to. It's a simple fact that no matter what kind of being we are, there will always be people who don't like us and people who do.

It is essential that we selectively socialize, spending more time with those who can understand, support, and respect us. We must also find people with whom we feel comfortable talking and expressing ourselves. These kinds of relationships can bring us warmth, support, and nourishment. They also give us the strength to deal with the troubles in other bad relationships.

Use the empty chair technique to release emotions. In a safe space, find a quiet, safe time, set an empty chair, and pretend that the person you want to talk to and express yourself to is sitting in that chair. Then, express anything to the person in the chair, whether anger, grievances, dissatisfaction, gratitude, etc. This is an effective way to release emotions.

You may find the above useful as a reference. Best wishes!

Hello!

It's okay to feel down.

Emotions are like the weather: there are sunny days and rainy days. They're not fixed. Learn to accept emotions with an open heart, and you won't feel scared or inexplicably nervous when emotions fluctuate.

If I'm right, the questioner is probably living in a dorm for the first time. When we live together for the first time, we'll find that our perceptions, values, and ways of thinking differ because of our different life and growth backgrounds. Sometimes these differences are so great that we seriously doubt whether we can adapt to our environment anywhere.

However, if you change your thinking and put yourself in the other person's shoes, you'll see that your words and actions may also seem strange from their perspective. If you look more closely, you'll find that it's just a matter of different living habits. For example, some families are strict and parents are very controlling, so their children naturally develop a cautious and conscientious personality. However, some parents adopt a more relaxed parenting style, so their children grow up to be very laid-back and may inadvertently cross boundaries in their words and actions. This may seem strange to others, but they're just being careless.

If the differences are just due to different habits, we can minimize their impact and accept them selectively. The other person will then reflect on themselves and be grateful for the respect and tolerance shown by others.

Of course, there are also situations where people lack interpersonal communication skills, conflicts and disagreements arise, and they cannot be dealt with in a timely manner. All of this can lead to negative emotions building up inside, making it even more difficult for people to get along with each other harmoniously.

Then you need to learn some communication skills and ways to avoid conflict so you can live together as harmoniously as possible under the same roof, without personal attacks, misinterpretations, or behaviors that hurt others and yourself.

First, try to communicate calmly and learn to express your feelings.

While "non-violent communication" is a great way to communicate, it might be tough to implement right away. We can learn some simple communication skills to bring into our conversations, which can help to unblock the energy in the discussion.

For instance, if a roommate always leaves the light on at night and makes loud noises, we can say, "Excuse me, I'm a little sensitive to noise. Could you turn it down a little when you turn on the light?" A neutral tone can make the other person more aware of what I need.

Deal with aggression in a healthy way and don't suppress anger.

When we feel upset and our boundaries are crossed, the first thing we feel is anger. If you're someone who is used to keeping your anger to yourself, you might not listen to what the other person is saying. When you keep your anger inside for a long time, it can come out in ways you don't expect. It's important to deal with your anger in a healthy way and be aware of it.

So, whenever we feel angry, we can try not to suppress it, but express it in a timely manner. For example, if the roommate in the clinical setting always likes to buzz around my bed with a massage gun, I can express my discomfort in a timely manner: "I notice that your massage gun is always buzzing around my bed, and I can't rest. Is there another way?"

This approach is just a way to achieve a balanced relationship, which means that both sides need to make concessions. It's like she's shifted down a gear, but I may still not be able to accept it. When I make the request again at this time, I need to be more tactful and express my feelings and needs from an objective position, so that the other person doesn't think I'm deliberately picking a fight and causing confrontation.

③ Distract yourself and calm down.

Basically, I don't like arguing. But because of differences in interests or other disagreements, conflicts are bound to happen. It's not necessary to confront the conflict every time to relieve emotions. Instead, you can distract yourself by focusing on things that make you feel relaxed and happy. This requires us to remember our goals and beliefs.

It's like always worrying about a wife who argues and has a negative influence, and being unable to manage a close relationship. When we focus on information that makes us feel worse, we're actually neglecting what's important and won't be able to achieve what we really want.

Overall, conflicts with others are not inevitable. When they can't be resolved, we still have the choice to understand and face them in a way that makes us feel better. That is, we can respect our own feelings, respect and understand others, maintain an appropriate distance, and not cause trouble for the other person. This is the greatest tolerance.

Best of luck, and keep at it!