Shouldn't you talk to your friends about more family relationship issues?

It can be helpful to talk to friends about your family problems.

It would seem that the outcome of such discussions depends on one's intentions.

Perhaps the goal is to identify areas for improvement and compare notes on who is doing better, or is it to gain a more positive view of each other's families?

It is one thing to talk about it, and another to perceive it.

Tolstoy once observed that while happy families tend to have certain similarities, unhappy families often experience their unhappiness in unique ways.

It is often the case that happiness and unhappiness are found in the different perspectives of different people.

It is often the case that a person who tends to think negatively will perceive the family as unhappy, while a positive and sunny person may feel more happiness.

It is also worth noting that our feelings play a role in this.

Discussing one's own family with friends can often lead to a realization of the many contrasts that exist between families.

Every family is unique.

It is possible that making a comparison may feel unfair to some people.

For instance, one person may have been born in a rural setting, while the other was born in an urban environment. It is challenging to make a direct comparison between these two circumstances.

Given that we cannot choose where we are born or our parents, it is perhaps unwise to make comparisons.

For instance, it might be challenging to make a comparison between individuals who live in the same city, the same neighborhood, and the same building.

It is also challenging to make a comparison because parents may work in different fields, have different levels of education, and possess different psychological qualities.

It is challenging to make comparisons between families that are not in the same environment, with the same parents, and on the same starting line.

It is likely that you will identify shortcomings in your family, but it is unclear whether this will lead to any solutions. It is possible that you may dwell on perceived mistakes or shortcomings of your parents, which could potentially lead to feelings of inadequacy or disappointment.

It is possible that without comparison, there is no harm.

It is worth noting that comparisons between unequal bases may potentially lead to unintended consequences.

It is also worth noting that focusing solely on the outcome of a comparison, without considering the underlying factors, can potentially lead to unintended consequences.

It is worth noting that constant comparison between one's own disadvantages and others' advantages can lead to significant harm.

If we fail to understand and forgive, it can lead to hurt feelings.

When you talk about your respective families, do you feel that your partner only shares the positive aspects of his family life?

Could I ask whether he has told you everything about his misfortune?

In addition to reflecting on the areas where you and your parents may have fallen short, it can be beneficial to consider the positive contributions you have made. Have you ever had the opportunity to discuss these aspects?

If the other person's goal is simply to show off, and your goal is to prove that there are people who are happier than you, it's likely that the other person will talk about things that they are proud of, which could lead to a comparison between you.

I have always felt that my family was very happy before.

I believe that happiness is a feeling.

If you focus on conditions, it can lead to feelings of discontent.

Perhaps it would be more helpful to focus on feelings rather than conditions when comparing with friends.

Perhaps you previously felt happy with your feelings.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider that comparing conditions or how each parent did things to see who did a better or worse job might change the nature of the comparison.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether talking to friends about family relationships might be beneficial.

I believe it is beneficial to discuss these matters openly. If the comparison leads to the conclusion that your family is not as strong as you would like, it may be helpful to learn from the experiences of other families and consider how you can improve your own family relationships in the future.

Rather than feeling inferior, blaming yourself, or resenting your family after feeling like you or your family is being compared, it might be helpful to consider other ways of responding to these feelings.

If I might make a suggestion, I believe this is the most meaningful topic to address in the context of family relationships.

I hope this is helpful.

My name is Yan Guilai, and I'm a psychological counselor. I hope that you and your family will always be happy together.

Good morning, my name is Xin Tan and I am coaching Fei Yun.

I can perceive your uncertainty regarding the delineation of boundaries in your relationships with friends. You experience feelings of inferiority and unhappiness due to the assumption that your family is happy, yet you find it challenging to refrain from comparing your family with your friends' families.

Let's take a moment to embrace each other and discuss the issue and potential solutions.

1. When interacting with others, it is important to maintain a sense of boundaries.

The common adages "Don't wash your dirty linen in public" and "Don't get too close to someone you don't know well" are, in fact, about maintaining a sense of boundaries in interpersonal relationships.

Even in the closest relationships, boundaries must be respected. For example, parents should knock on the door before entering their children's room and should not read their children's diaries without permission. This is especially true for friends, who should respect and trust each other while maintaining a sense of distance.

If we are pessimistic, we can say that there are no permanent friends. If you inadvertently disclose your private information, it may become a weapon used by others (colleagues, friends, competitors) against you in the future. Many people believe in the principle of "a gentleman's friendship is as shallow as water" when making friends, and it is also a need for a sense of security.

You stated that after discussing your family with the individual you were interacting with, comparisons would emerge, leading to a negative and belittling perception of yourself and your family members, and a sense of having done something wrong.

"Without comparison, there is no harm." It is important to recognize that every family has its own unique set of circumstances and that there is no single standard to which all families should aspire. "My honey is someone else's arsenic." Some individuals possess financial resources but lack emotional support, while others have emotional support but lack financial stability. Therefore, it is essential to understand that happiness is a personal experience.

Similarly, parents love and protect their children in their own way. There is no need to compare with other people's families, as happiness is a personal feeling.

2. If comparison is an unavoidable aspect of life, how can it be transformed into a constructive force?

In life, we often encounter comparisons. For example, a friend may be perceived as more attractive than oneself, a colleague's spouse may be taller and wealthier than one's own, or a child's classmate may perform better academically.

Comparing oneself with others often results in either envy or jealousy. If one does not possess or enjoy what others have, disappointment and even attempts to sabotage it may ensue.

Whether it is envy or jealousy, there is a belief of "limitation" behind it, that is, "I am not good enough." As you mentioned, after sharing your family with friends, it makes you feel as if you and your parents have done something wrong. "I am not good enough," "my parents are not good enough," and "my family is not good enough" are all limitations that arise from comparison.

How should one respond to this situation? One approach is to spend time with friends, maintain a sense of boundaries, and avoid becoming overly involved in family matters, particularly those pertaining to privacy.

On the one hand, comparing yourself to others is transformed into comparing yourself to yourself. Before comparing yourself, your family, and your home, it is important to assess whether you are more harmonious, loving, intimate, and happy.

Comparing oneself to others can lead to feelings of inferiority and shame, akin to the experience of "dampening one's own prestige by extolling the virtues of others." Conversely, comparing oneself to one's past self can foster a sense of hope and strength.

Each individual possesses distinctive qualities. Rather than engaging in a competitive pursuit of excellence, it is more beneficial to embrace one's unique attributes.

I hope the above is helpful to you and that it contributes to a better world. Best regards,

Should you wish to continue the dialogue, you are invited to click on the "Find a Coach" link, which you will find in the top right-hand corner or at the bottom of the page. This will enable us to communicate and work together on an individual basis.

Dear questioner, I hope you don't mind me sharing a little joke with you: guard against fire, guard against theft, and guard against your best friend. If this particular friend makes you feel bad every time you chat, it's probably best to avoid days when chatting makes you feel more and more inferior. Inappropriate listening, such as the other person's comfort and sympathy, will deepen your sense of powerlessness and shame. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you'd like to talk more.

It's often said that talking can help relieve emotions. But if you find that the more you talk, the more depressed you get, it might be time to take a step back and be extra vigilant. I know this might sound a bit like a provocation, but I'm genuinely trying to help. It's possible that your suffering is setting off the happiness of others, who are willing to listen (or consume) your suffering again and again.

I'm sorry, but I only feel sorry for my brother, hahaha. You know, you really need a professional listener for a chat.

Oh, I'm just kidding! Friends are better the older they are, don't you think? Learning to discriminate and establish good boundaries will help you build great relationships. Of course, there may be another version of this story.

It's not the person who makes you feel bad, sweetie. It's the situation.

When your friend is happy, do you feel jealous or do you wish them well?

It's totally normal to feel jealous sometimes. It's a complex emotion that can manifest in different ways. Initially, it might feel like pressure or disappointment when you compare yourself to others. Then, it can turn into frustration when you feel ashamed or humiliated. And in the later stages, it can even lead to anger, from resentment to hatred. So, it's possible that your friend's happiness was intended to make you feel a little happy, but it accidentally touched on your inner feelings of inferiority. We've all been there!

Jealousy can bring up feelings of anger and inferiority. If you're feeling these emotions in your relationship with a friend, it might be because something in your past is coming up. It's okay to feel this way! It's a chance to start a journey of self-discovery. If these feelings stick around, it might be because there's something else going on in your life. It's not just about your friend, but about other relationships and situations too.

I'd love to know if there's a standard for a happy family!

There's a famous saying that goes, "Happy families are all the same, but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." But I think there's a little more to it than that! Unhappy families are each unhappy in their own way. If your friend's story has made you think about your own behavior, your parents' behavior, and the behavior of your family, I'd love to ask you a question: how do you see yourself? Do external evaluations agree with your self-evaluation?

We all want our families to be happy and healthy, don't we? It's so important to have good support and relationships between family members.

If not, don't worry! You can absolutely make a plan to improve it.

Hi, I'm Zhang Huili, a listening therapist. I'm here to listen to you and help you feel safe, happy, and ready to embark on a journey of self-discovery and self-growth. I'll be your professional listening therapist, and I'm here to help you feel at ease and supported. You'll feel safe, your sense of well-being will increase, and you'll start to see how external people and events affect you in a positive way.