Sometimes I feel comfortable, sometimes I feel conflicted when I'm with my husband. Why do I have these internal conflicts?

Hello, I see you're in a bit of a rut.

From what you've said, I get the feeling that you're not totally happy with your husband and that you feel like your marriage could be better. It seems like you're always looking for something more from your relationship and that it's not quite what you expected from marriage. I'm not sure if I'm right about this, but I'll base my answer on this assumption.

First, I'd like to invite you to think back to why you chose this person as your husband. What part of him made your heart flutter, and what characteristics attracted you in particular? Looking back at this part of the story will not only help us to put some energy back into our marriage, but it will also help you to work things out. Are the parts that attracted you to him still there? Are your current grievances against him due to the disappearance of his advantageous parts, or because he has revealed more of his true self?

When we're in love, we're attracted to each other because the other person has certain qualities and behaviors that satisfy our desires. These can include being valued, being the most important, being noticed, being the only one, and so on. As a result, we'll also unconsciously magnify the other person's strengths and "selective blindness." We'll also fail to see or ignore certain parts of him that we don't like.

Once you're married, the relationship settles down and the daily grind of life makes it more realistic. The parts of the relationship that we exaggerated during our courtship also return to reality, and the "defective" parts are more exposed. We'll feel that he has changed and that he doesn't love me. This is a universal law. If we first understand this spell of love and marriage, perhaps we'll feel less disappointed.

Just to be clear, marriage and him aren't deliberately targeting you.

Second, compare your partner to your father. How similar are they? How similar is the state of your interactions to your parents' marriage?

We need to deal with this because we tend to project our expectations of our parents onto our loved ones. When we're not satisfied, our past emotions come up, and we start to think, "It's not a big deal, why am I angry?" Then another voice says, "Why did you do this to me? I feel aggrieved!"

If there's an impact in this area, we need to deal with our past complexes first. Otherwise, we'll keep getting hurt and trapped in a cycle.

Finally, the behavior you mentioned your loved one displaying is probably just his personal issue. Look at how he gets along with his mother. There doesn't seem to be anything we can do about it, but we can try to tell him how we feel. When he does this, how do you feel emotionally, and what are your needs?

Of course, this doesn't mean that if we express ourselves in this way, he'll change right away. It's just that we choose not to respond to his behavior directly with our emotions because our emotions will reinforce his behavior. However, the clearer our feelings and needs are, the more slowly he may be able to retreat to an appropriate boundary.

Marriage is a living reality. The advice and ideas I give come from my idealistic brain, so there will be twists and turns in implementation. We still can't control our emotions. So what? If we can do one thing at a time, we will do one thing at a time; if we can't, we can just be in this state.

First, give yourself permission and acceptance. When you're in a stable state, you can practice deliberately. When you're tired and irritable, just let it go!

Ultimately, I hope we can learn to love others while also taking care of our own true feelings.

Dear friend, I am honored to have been invited to answer your question. My answer will help you, enlighten you, give you new insights into your relationship, help you understand yourself and your partner better, and help you get along more harmoniously.

It is normal for two people in an intimate relationship to come from different families of origin, have different growth experiences, and have different emotional and emotional needs.

When you talk to him, you want to share your thoughts and feelings with him. You also expect a response and understanding from him. In other words, you need his praise, comfort, support, etc.

If you don't get a response from him, or not the response you want, then your emotional needs are not being met. You will feel a sense of loneliness and loss. You can't help but make some guesses, and you feel like he's doing it on purpose.

If he takes good care of you and does whatever you ask, just meeting your emotional expectations, and your loneliness and sense of loss are just warmed by his response, you will know he is very special.

Look at it from his perspective. Is he clinging to you, pestering you, and begging for attention because he wants you to respond to him, understand him, and support him in his own way? You've grown up with different experiences and express yourself in different ways.

The next time you feel lonely and lost, stop guessing and start expressing. Tell him how you feel and what you need. He should respond with understanding and love. Be clear about what you want from him. When he's taking good care of you, tell him. Show him your love and gratitude.

Similarly, when he clings to you, is obsessive, or begs for attention, you can ask him directly if he is in a bad mood, if he feels lonely, if he needs you to be there for him, to understand him, and to support him. Tell him what kind of response would make him feel better, and make it clear that you are willing to respond in that way.

When spending time together, you must understand your own emotions and those of the other person. You must also meet the other person's needs in the way they expect. At the same time, you must give the other person affirmation, encouragement, and support. You may not always be able to respond to the other person in time, but that's okay. You can't be glued to each other all the time. You also have your own work and things to deal with. As long as you care about the other person and try to be more aware, these will not be a problem. Your relationship will form a virtuous cycle and become more and more harmonious.

Everyone wants to be loved and respected. This is true for everyone, no matter who they are or what they look like. Marriage is one of the most intimate relationships in the world. It is also one of the most challenging. Most people have high expectations for their partners.

This is especially true for newlyweds.

You and your husband have been married less than three years. You're probably in the "honeymoon period."

You say, "When I talk to him, I feel uncomfortable when he doesn't respond or responds indifferently." You expect him to respond warmly, and when he doesn't, it's natural to feel unpleasant.

Those thoughts are scary. You say, "Is he doing it on purpose? Is he ganging up on me?"

"He's ignoring me on purpose..."; I said "scary" because it's bad to think badly of someone.

If we change our thinking, we might ask ourselves, "Is he feeling sick? Is he having trouble at work?"

Is he tired? What will happen?

How do you feel when you think like this?

Maybe you'll say, "This is just self-deception. He's targeting me, and I'm supposed to think about him?"

The law of attraction is important in relationships. If you think negatively about someone, they will become that way.

If you change your thinking, even a bad person will change!

There's still a lot to think about. You said, "When he takes care of me and accommodates me, I feel that he is really nice," and "At the beginning, he was a stalker who got me." I can't go into detail due to time constraints.

You said at the end, "It's just a trivial matter, but why am I so conflicted?" That's good self-awareness! Your thoughts are too complicated. Read one or two books on marriage management.

Zhao Yongjiu, Five Love Skills.

The Happy Practice of Love by Barbara A. Angelis.

A Happy Marriage by John Gottman and Nan Silver.

I hope you can live a happy, simple life in your marriage. If you can, you will be much happier and more at peace!