Sometimes I feel especially cold towards my family. Why is that?

Hello, To the person who asked the question:

Why do people seem indifferent to their family members, even though they love them very much? I think there are a few reasons why this might happen.

[1] When we don't get enough care from our original family or when our relationship model is based on excessive indulgence, this can happen.

Most people think that if you don't get enough love, you'll become apathetic because you won't feel loved. But excessive coddling can also make you apathetic. If you feel like your family has protected you too much, you'll be vulnerable or want to be protected all the time. So it's normal that you won't learn to care for your family under this model.

[2] We're afraid to show our true love from the heart because our psychological defense mechanisms won't allow it.

When we say that our family loves us, we're really talking about the meticulous care they provide for our clothing, food, housing, and transportation. But true love also requires emotional and feeling needs, care and commitment to another person, etc. If we don't know how to express our true love, or if our inner defense mechanism is also afraid of being hurt, we might become cold-hearted.

How can we solve this?

[1] It's important to understand what true love is.

As the previous paragraph mentioned, most parents probably taught us about the superficial love of things like clothing, food, housing, and transportation. But true love requires emotional support and the ability to feel the power and capacity of love. This means we need to learn before we can show our love to others.

[2] Learn to communicate effectively.

Any relationship requires some level of interpersonal interaction. Even family members are a step closer to friends, and we need to communicate more effectively to strengthen our relationships and deepen our feelings.

[3] Try to be more empathetic.

To enhance your empathy, you need to understand the meaning of emotional actions and your own language. You also need to be able to see the emotions of others, listen to them and listen to yourself, give positive responses, change your position and perspective to analyze problems, view the actions of others, pay positive attention and express yourself.

Finally, there are a few things you can do to improve your current situation. For example, you could try getting in touch with more people, communicating and listening carefully, feeling yourself and also feeling an emotional connection with others, experiencing emotions and thoughts, and slowly opening your heart.

I hope you find these suggestions helpful.

Hello! You love your family, but you feel you don't get along with them. You think your approach is selfish and cold. I understand!

How to understand your question

You say you love your family, but sometimes you feel indifferent towards them.

You might care in your heart but not show it.

If you say you can ignore them, what do you ignore? Do you not want to hear from them or do you pretend not to know when they need help?

If indifference is cold and selfish, what is the opposite? Is it being in regular contact with family, caring about them, and offering help?

There's a line in the TV series: talking about toxicity without considering dosage is nonsense. It's true in other areas too.

Passion, indifference, selfishness, and kindness depend on the situation.

A clear sense of boundaries is the best protection for everyone and prevents disputes and friction among loved ones.

Sometimes enthusiasm and friendliness are good, but getting too involved in other people's lives can be bad.

Think about your feelings.

You were the youngest in a big family. Your family paid a lot of attention to you, so you felt loved and warm. This may have made you rich and sensitive inside.

You were the only child in your family. Your mother was short-tempered and scared you. A child needs a mother. You were loved by your extended family, but your mother was cold.

Your mother never took your feelings into account. Kids crave their mother's attention.

A short-tempered mother makes a child feel unloved.

Other family members can make the child feel loved, but not the mother. The child will think the mother doesn't love them and will blame themselves.

Growing up with this label, they may be reluctant to connect with loved ones and hide themselves to avoid being seen as bad. This may make them think you're indifferent.

You can try to change.

When you asked this question here, you showed you love your family and want to connect with them. You could try these areas:

First, you need to feel good about yourself. Don't say bad things about yourself, but find something good about yourself and say it.

Your family loves you, and you love them. This is beautiful, and you shouldn't doubt it.

You need to accept yourself. If you're not harming your family, but you're not good at communicating with them or you don't interfere in other people's lives, that's okay.

Third, you can consider building more connections with your family. Growing up is a process of learning and reconciliation. Sometimes, when we let go of what bothers us and make changes, we'll see that it helps us the most.

I'm Teng Ying, a counselor. I hope this helps.

Good day!

Please don't be too hard on yourself. Just because you are indifferent to others doesn't necessarily mean you have a sociopathic personality.

If you are truly concerned, it might be helpful to seek professional guidance.

Let's focus on your question: sometimes I feel particularly cold towards my family. Could I ask why that is?

Perhaps we should start with your childhood experiences.

You live in a large family, and the warmth of the people in this family makes you feel loved inside, which may be why you sometimes feel a lot of love for your family.

And on occasion, they may appear indifferent to them, potentially due to the smaller family structure, also known as the original family.

In your original family, the father is absent. This may mean that there is a piece missing from the love you received as a child, and that piece could be paternal love.

Perhaps if your mother had been more patient and considered your feelings more often, she could have helped you cope with your father's absence.

It seems that your perception of family affection is somewhat complex. On the one hand, it can bring warmth and improve your quality of life. On the other hand, it can also evoke a sense of pain and distress.

Perhaps, at your core, you hold conflicting attitudes towards family.

You desire it, yet you are also apprehensive about it.

It might be helpful to try to let go of the part that scares you. It seems that your wounds may have stemmed from your father's absence and your mother's irritability and neglect.

I am happy to say that your relationship with your mother has eased considerably. Things are developing in a positive direction.

It seems that your efforts to find answers have helped you to gradually let down your guard.

You might find it helpful to take a look at the many articles on the platform about the original family.

I believe that things will gradually improve. Please be patient.

Greetings.

I am Kelly, a heart coach.

Let us now turn our attention to the issue that was previously raised.

The question then becomes: Why is this the case?

The questioner demonstrates perceptive insight. The subject reports experiencing fluctuations in affect towards their family, oscillating between feelings of intense love and indifference.

Let us now turn our attention to the underlying causes of apathy, which are based on a number of assumptions.

1. Causes of apathy

The initial stages of psychological development

We are born into a state of complete dependence on our caregivers, and for an extended period of time, we require the care and support of our family.

This period is of great consequence for the development of our personality.

To illustrate, the child may exhibit behaviors resulting from a lack of emotional regulation on the part of the mother. This could manifest as a tendency towards short-temperedness or a lack of emotional responsiveness to the child's needs. Additionally, the mother may demonstrate a lack of engagement in the child's upbringing, which could manifest as a lack of attention to the child's emotional and developmental needs. Some parents resort to physical punishment or verbal abuse, which can have a detrimental impact on the child's psychological development. The child's young age makes them particularly susceptible to such influences, as evidenced by the fear of the mother that was previously mentioned.

The psychological scars from those early years, and the emotional interaction of wanting to escape contact with family members in the future, are also among the factors that contribute to the development of indifference.

Secondly, the formation of indifference can be attributed to a number of factors.

The original poster stated that she perceived herself to be selfish.

It is my contention that there are few, if any, individuals who are completely selfless. Selfishness, too, has two sides. In certain instances, it can serve as a beneficial boundary that protects an individual in an appropriate manner.

To illustrate, if an individual were to marry and demonstrate selflessness by devoting themselves and their resources to their original family,

Should my husband express a desire for me to cease these actions, or should they prove detrimental to our marriage, then I must consider the potential consequences of my continued involvement.

If I persist in providing assistance to my family of origin, my husband ultimately stated:

"Let us proceed with the dissolution of the marriage."

The question thus arises as to whether it would be more beneficial to continue selflessly devote oneself or to adopt a more selfish approach, focusing solely on one's immediate family.

As long as it does not constitute a serious manifestation of apathy and selfishness, many individuals exhibiting selfish tendencies are self-centered and will consider all factors from their own perspective in order to advance their own interests.

This mentality can result in individuals disregarding others, viewing them with disdain, and even causing harm to others' interests for their own benefit. Such behavior can lead to feelings of hatred and may even impact one's career. Consequently, selfishness can also manifest as indifference.

Furthermore, the questioner has matured and is consistently striving to rectify interpersonal dynamics, exhibiting a notable shift in their demeanor.

Therefore, it can be concluded that the subject in question is not a selfish individual who is entirely self-centered.

The question remains, however, as to why, despite feelings of love, a sense of selfishness and indifference persists.

3: The influence of the original family and ourselves. When considering the concepts of coldness, indifference, and a coldness that seems to be intrinsic to the human condition, one is inevitably reminded of Eileen Chang.

Both her novels and her attitude toward her loved ones demonstrate a pervasive indifference and lack of affection.

The question thus arises as to whether a cold-hearted personality and a heart of ice are innate or acquired.

Psychologists posit that this personality is predominantly associated with a history of childhood mistreatment, as well as the parenting style, family dynamics, and parent-child relationship within the original family unit.

4: The field of psychology posits that individuals undergo a continuous process of change from the moment of their birth until the end of their lives.

During the formative period of character, individuals often undergo rapid and drastic changes.

Furthermore, personality can be enhanced through lifelong learning.

The questioner is experiencing a certain degree of confusion. As we explore our past experiences and gain a deeper understanding of our present selves, many of us confront a similar array of confusing and contradictory emotions.

Additionally, I sought assistance from Yixinli due to familial challenges. Through structured counseling, I undertook a comprehensive psychological study, gradually developing a deeper comprehension of my inner self.

5. Acceptance of the self

It can be argued that love and hatred are both products of reason. Some individuals may be perceived as "heartless," and it is often the case that the more unfeeling they are, the more indifferent they appear to be. This phenomenon can be attributed to adverse experiences in childhood, particularly when the individual is still developing and the memory of such experiences is particularly vivid.

To truly alleviate the indifference and ruthlessness brought on by childhood trauma, it is essential to learn to love and utilize love as a means of reconciling the harm caused.

Additionally, the questioner indicated that the extended family provided positive memories and affection. The questioner may consider attempting to document these experiences in writing.

1. Please describe the happiest memory you have from your childhood.

2. Please describe the individuals and objects in your childhood memories that elicited the greatest emotional response.

3. Provide a written account of the strengths and weaknesses of your parents.

4: It is recommended that you be candid and engage in discourse with your parents regarding certain disagreeable occurrences from the past.

5: It is also recommended to consult with a professional counselor. Through counseling, one can identify and address emotions that may have been previously overlooked.

I empathize with the original poster's sentiments of resentment, indignation, turmoil, entanglement, and internal reluctance. The assertion is made that if one can be unflinchingly decisive, then these emotions can be effectively disregarded. At times, however, this approach is perceived as being detrimental to one's well-being.

Children are inclined to be loyal to their parents. There is a popular adage that encapsulates this sentiment: "Love and hate at the same time."

The notion of absolute good or bad people is a fallacy. One's own capacity to act badly is constrained by the recognition of the bad things in oneself and in one's parents. As one grows older, gains experience, learns, and understands, one realizes that everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses.

Furthermore, accepting these aspects of oneself allows for reconciliation with the past, comprehension of one's parents, and the ability to allow emotions to flow freely, recognizing that these feelings are authentic.

Upon recognizing one's own emotions, it becomes evident that they are intertwined with the underlying wounds and traumas that reside within the self. This realization illuminates the path towards healing.

One may also find solace in the belief that professional counselors can facilitate the gradual healing of emotional wounds.

It is my assessment that the individual in question does not exhibit the characteristics of a sociopath. Instead, it seems that they have internalized moral constraints.

It is unwise to apply labels indiscriminately.

Our emotional states are also genuine, encompassing a spectrum of feelings such as joy, anger, love, hate, indifference, and passion.

Such sentiments are similarly beneficial in that they facilitate a deeper comprehension of one's own being.

It is therefore imperative to embark on a process of self-healing.

In his work, Donald Winnicott posited that the true self represents the core of identity.

In other words, individuals will manifest behaviors that are innate to their physical and biological makeup.

Together, we engage in introspective exploration and facilitate personal growth.

May you have a joyous day.

I extend my affection to the world and to you.