Struggling to compromise without affecting relationships when dealing with conflicts?

After reading the text, it is clear that the questioner is torn between defending his or her rights and interests and maintaining a fair position with others. He or she is afraid of being called "selfish" for defending his or her rights and interests, which arouses the "outrage" of those around him or her.

"Every time there is a big clean-up, there will be a student in charge on Monday. Today, I had to clean the classroom quickly, so I went to buy some flour to eat back in the dormitory. When I arrived, they were still cleaning. The person in charge of hygiene in the dormitory saw me come back so quickly and said, 'You can take out the trash now.'

The person in charge of dormitory hygiene clearly didn't realize you had already cleaned the classroom. After you finished your "share of the work," you returned and they thought you weren't working, so they assigned you to take out the trash. This was a way to balance the situation so everyone else in the dormitory would feel "fair."

"I was originally supposed to take out the trash in the dormitory today, so I didn't say anything because I had to wait until they were done cleaning before I took out the trash. I ate some powder first, reading a novel while I ate. At this time, the person in charge of cleaning in the dormitory was dissatisfied with my laid-back attitude and insisted on assigning me other cleaning duties. I refused, and she gave a loud huff,"

Your silence is seen as tacit consent. The person in charge of arranging the dormitory's hygiene may think you are silently protesting, refusing, or even provoking.

You didn't act according to her demands. You were leisurely eating powder and reading novels. She may feel her authority has been challenged. She may also be afraid of complaints from the other people in the dormitory. Your behavior forms a sharp contrast with that of others.

The person in charge of arranging the cleaning schedule "insists on arranging other cleaning tasks for you." She thinks that if you are unwilling to take out the trash, you are willing to do other things. When you refuse again, she may realize that "you just don't want to do it," or that you "don't want to listen to her arrangements." She announces "the end" by "loudly making a sound" to express her own helplessness and dissatisfaction and to "account for it" to the other people in the dormitory.

"It's very annoying, and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not being a good friend." The questioner feels angry, but she also feels the pressure of the person who arranged the cleaning. Perhaps she still represents the "more authoritative and moral" side? This makes the questioner a little worried and afraid of causing "public anger."

"If I agree to this, she'll definitely ask me to do other things next time, and if this continues, I'll have to clean the classroom and dormitory every time I do a big clean. I'm not going to do that." The questioner inadvertently believes that "if I agree to this, it's the same as giving her permission to keep asking me to do things in the future," which is a "very big power to give."

I can't do it myself, and no one else can either. This way, the questioner can feel "more at ease" and give others a "reasonable explanation." If they criticize you, they'll just have to deal with it.

"I am someone who is particularly affected by interpersonal relationships. If someone in the dormitory has a conflict with me, I will be very depressed, pessimistic, and even unable to study, but I don't want to give in." This is a characteristic of adolescence. On the one hand, you want to integrate into the "larger outside world," but on the other hand, you are worried that you will lose yourself because of this integration. You need to do something to protect your rights and boundaries. Your three values and self-identity are shaped in the midst of these "collisions"...

You should be able to express what you want to say so that those around you know what you mean. For example, when the person in charge of cleaning tells you to take out the trash, you can respond to her: "I know, I'll take out the trash after you're done cleaning. I'm going to eat something and take a break, I'm tired after cleaning the classroom."

This way, you show that you are not lazy and respect the person who arranged the cleaning. It also eliminates any misunderstandings or misinterpretations that others in the dormitory may have.

I am certain that my reply will help you. Best wishes!

Hello!

Host:

After reading the post carefully, I can feel the internal conflict you are experiencing. At the same time, I also notice that you have bravely expressed your distress and actively sought help on the platform, which will undoubtedly help you to better understand and understand yourself and human nature. I'm so impressed by your courage!

And adjust yourself accordingly!

Next, I'm thrilled to share my observations and thoughts in the post, which I'm confident will help the poster view the current situation from a different perspective.

1. Think about it: What does it mean for you to have a conflict with someone and to refuse them?

From the post, I can feel that the poster is the kind of person who feels bad when they say no to someone. Right? You must be very sensitive and have a hard time in interpersonal relationships!

When faced with unreasonable demands from others, you have the opportunity to choose! On the one hand, you don't want to, but on the other hand, you are afraid of affecting the relationship. These two voices will fight within yourself, and you will also have a lot of internal conflict.

So let's dive in and explore what it means to refuse someone together!

In fact, many people around you are not very good at refusing others — and that's okay!

I think this may have something to do with culture. It's fascinating how in traditional culture, if you refuse someone's help, you'll seem like a "bad person."

And people who ask for help will also think we are "bad people." This is because in traditional cultures there is a perception that the weak have reason.

Let's say you're the one eating powdered noodles and reading a novel while your roommates are busy with their own things. Your roommates will see you as the "weak" party. So if you don't help, they may think you're not a reliable friend and are selfish. But you can turn this around!

And when we accept their evaluation of us, we get to doubt ourselves and think that we may have gone too far. So, what an amazing opportunity for the landlord to think about whether he has been influenced by traditional culture and agrees that whoever is weak has the right!

On the other hand, there's also the chance that they're afraid of being seen as a "bad guy" by others. This is something the poster needs to explore!

2. Everyone wants others to understand their feelings!

This is a great section to explore why others treat us badly after we have rejected them. The simple explanation is that they're angry at not getting what they want.

I'm weak, I'm right, I'm busy, you're there enjoying yourself, it makes me feel uncomfortable, so I'll use an arrangement to get you to do things, rather than asking. And I hope you can do what they expect, so that their minds will be balanced.

It's just that when you refuse, then the feelings in their hearts will be even more upset. Then this upset must always be expressed.

People are amazingly creative in how they think and feel. They tend to think from their own perspective, and they may even think it's your fault! This can lead to some pretty intense reactions. On the other hand, people want others to understand their feelings. When others don't understand, they may act childishly, thinking that if you make me feel bad, I'll make you feel bad too.

The host can carefully observe the children around him. It is like this: if you make him unhappy, he will make you unhappy too. This has nothing to do with being objective or not; it is just the way it is on an emotional level. But here's the good news: you can choose to be happy!

This is human nature!

3. The most important thing is to take care of your own feelings!

When faced with the two voices inside ourselves, we have the amazing opportunity to learn to listen to our own voice! The most important thing is to take care of ourselves.

The famous psychologist Wu Zhihong said in a speech: "The most important thing for us is to take care of ourselves." And so, when the host has two voices in his heart, we must learn to listen! We must listen to our doubts about ourselves, to what others say about us, and also to our own inner voice, to what we feel about this, and to respect the inner voice.

When faced with outside voices and other people's comments on us, we have the power to examine whether what they say is true. If it isn't true, we have the freedom to choose a different path! Why should we sacrifice ourselves? Why should we sacrifice our own needs to satisfy other people's needs?

We should never let someone else define our lives! The more objective we are about ourselves, the less we care about what others say about us.

4. Refusal also requires attention to manner — and it's an exciting part of the process!

In the second point, we explored a little bit of human nature. So in view of human nature, let's find a better way of saying no!

The post only mentioned rejection, but not how to reject. So here, let's explore if it would be better to reject in this way!

For example, playing the weak one. I just finished cleaning the classroom, and I'm ready for a break! I'm exhausted, I need to recharge my energy, I need to rest for a little while, I don't even want to move.

Absolutely! There's a division of labor for these tasks. Remind them that they can enjoy themselves only after they have finished their own tasks, and also remind them to finish their own tasks.

You can also praise them in a joking manner. Do you still need me when you have each other? You are fast and good at what you do, and you are capable. I am clumsy and don't want to cause trouble and upset you. Learn to play Tai Chi!

You can also be straightforward and say that there is a division of labor in the big clean-up, and I have finished my part. You also arranged for me to do things, and I feel some unfairness, but I'm excited to see what we can do to make it fair and comfortable for everyone!

I really hope these words will be of some help and inspiration to the original poster! My name is Zeng Chen, and I'm a psychological coach.

Hello, sweetheart! I can sense your amazing integrity (adherence to your principles) and conscientiousness (responsibility for your actions). The big clean-up has caused you some relationship problems, but I know you can work through them!

Let's start with a warm hug! And there are always more than three solutions to everything. Let's take a look!

? 1. Feel your own emotions:

There is no such thing as a good or bad emotion! We often think that "negative" emotions such as anger, sadness, and jealousy are not allowed, but they are!

Emotions are all energetic, and to a certain extent they also serve to protect us. For example, anger can make the other person aware that they need to pay attention to their sense of boundaries, while fear can keep us away from danger.

Here you see your anger and anxiety.

Anger: Let it out! You can hurt others if you vent it, but you'll only hurt yourself if you repress it. You said it yourself: if you give in, there will be another time, and you can only continue to suffer. So, let it out!

Let's dive into three situations that trigger anger:

1. When in danger!

2. When experiencing pain from injury (when you are actually hurt).

3. Feeling pain or injury (a psychological feeling of being hurt).

And your anger is a sign that you feel psychologically hurt: not being respected, being bullied, etc.

Behind every emotion is an unmet need, and the subconscious mind is full of memories and experiences of anger just waiting to be discovered! When a specific situation arises, the deep-seated anger can be reactivated, and it's an opportunity to learn more about yourself.

When anger comes, you should greet it as you would an old friend, and experience the anger fully. At the same time, you can identify what your unmet needs are: to be respected, to be treated fairly?

At the same time, look at things from more perspectives. The other person didn't mean to offend you! He just didn't see the bigger picture (as you described it: the cleaning is done, waiting for everyone to finish before you take out the trash).

By broadening the scope of your thinking, you can embrace a whole new world of possibilities!

When you encounter conflicts with other people, you have the opportunity to practice self-control, embrace a more positive outlook, and even make adjustments to your studies. These are all due to the anxiety caused by interpersonal relationships, which you can turn into positive growth.

Anxiety is the fear and dread of what might happen in the future. But here's the good news: fear is not a problem!

The best way to deal with anxiety is to focus on the present! This involves taking action, for example by asking yourself: What is the worst that can happen if you say no?

And can you handle the best-case scenario? What can you do now to make this happen?

Instead of worrying about the future, you can do something about it now! This involves methods and techniques for dealing with other people.

?

2. Methods and techniques for interpersonal relationships:

2. Methods and techniques for interpersonal relationships:

We absolutely love those with high emotional intelligence who are well-rounded and comfortable in any situation!

You're already off to a great start as a second-year high school student! You're still relatively innocent compared to your peers, which means you have the opportunity to learn and train your emotional intelligence in advance. This will be of great help to your interpersonal relationships at this stage, as well as when you enter society in the future.

In your belief system, there is no middle ground, only black and white. This makes you a person who is very principled, has your own bottom line, and is serious about things—and we admire that!

However, "black or white" is a "two-part" approach in early childhood, a sign of immature thinking, and a refusal to accept the gray area. Nothing less than 100% is acceptable—and you can do it!

When something happens, it's a great idea to think from other people's perspectives and not jump to conclusions!

It's so important to be able to see things from other people's perspectives! She is responsible for the entire hygiene and needs to coordinate with various personnel, which is a great opportunity for her to learn how to work with different people and make things happen.

She didn't see that you had already finished your homework, and she didn't know that you had plans in mind. "I'll take out the trash after everyone has finished cleaning."

She doesn't see that you've already finished your homework, and she doesn't know that you have plans in mind, like "I'll take out the trash after everyone else has finished cleaning."

Here's where the magic happens! You get to communicate effectively with the other person. You get to express your views, listen to the other person's views, and at the same time show your sincere emotions. You get to achieve an emotional flow between you and ultimately reach a consensus and work together to find a solution to the problem.

A good relationship with others can help and add color to our lives! "The more friends you have, the better your life will be," but having a good relationship with others does not mean blindly pleasing others and ignoring your own feelings.

Having good relationships with others can help and add color to our lives! "The more friends you have, the better your life will be," but having good relationships with others does not mean blindly pleasing others while ignoring your own feelings.

Expressing yourself directly and communicating effectively is a great way to build good interpersonal relationships! Make the most of high school life and get ready for the college entrance exam.

If you encounter something annoying, you can write down your feelings and thoughts! This is also a process of "dialogue" with yourself. During the "dialogue" (writing), the answer will basically come out. If you don't get stuck on things, happiness will always be with you!

I really hope the above is helpful to you! And I just want to say that the world and I love you! ??

If you want to continue the conversation, just click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom. I'm excited to communicate and grow with you one-on-one!

Hello, question asker! I'm so happy you're here.

Let's take a look at what you've said together:

& Currently in the second year of high school, something unfortunate happened with your roommate over cleaning.

You were quick to jump in and help out! After cleaning the classroom, you bought food and returned to the dormitory. You know what your task is.

But when they saw you reading a novel and eating powder, the person assigning the tasks wasn't too happy.

&You refused to do extra work assigned to you by the other student. The other student then made a loud noise.

It's totally understandable to feel like you're not being loyal. I get it! And it's natural to worry that if you do this time, they'll keep asking you to do extra work next time.

And you're even worried that this classmate might affect your future relationships with others.

Classmate, I can totally relate to how you're feeling! Let's take a look at how to deal with this problem.

& You have a division of labor.

You were able to quickly return to the dormitory after finishing your work because you wanted to do what you liked, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that! There's a division of labor between you, and it's great that you're taking care of your own responsibilities. The student assigned to clean the dormitory seems to want everyone to be busy, which is a display of her authority, and she has also forgotten the division of labor between you.

Your refusal was very reasonable, and there are many things that you don't yet have the ability to refuse. So, in the future, you should continue to leverage this strength of yours. You're doing great!

It's okay to say "no" to things that aren't your responsibility.

And you can also work together!

We know you bought the instant noodles to eat, and if you don't finish them quickly, they'll go stale and become unpleasant to eat. So, at that time, apart from your decisive refusal, there was another way for you to do it, and that was to tell them you were hungry and would eat the noodles first, and then do the work with everyone else.

If the person who assigned the task ignores your reasonable explanation, don't fret! You can still eat your noodles with a clear conscience, because taking out the trash is the last step in cleaning. If the other person understands, everything is fine.

Of course, there is another way! You could share snacks with everyone and then work together after eating. Or, you could finish the teacher's work, take your time, and then go back to the dorm to finish your own work.

And now, let's talk about relationships!

You said that interpersonal relationships affect your mood. How would they affect you? From what you have told me, and the influence that feelings have on you, it seems that you have added a lot to the story. I'm so glad you shared that with me!

I'm really sorry to hear that your roommate didn't listen to you. It's so frustrating when people don't take responsibility for their actions. It makes me wonder if they have any sense of right and wrong or if they have a position of their own. I don't know why they work so slowly, but I wonder if they were slacking off when you were working in the classroom earlier.

It'd be a shame not to get to know your roommates better just because you're feeling a bit isolated.

And we can't forget about conflicts between roommates!

For boarding students, dormitory relationships are really very important. We all want to return to a warm and welcoming dormitory, don't we? But you can consider this: would your roommates be the kind of people you'd be happy to live with?

You're already a sophomore, which means you've been hanging out with them for a while. Surely you must know your roommates' character by now!

I'm just me, and I'm here for you. I hope my answer helps you see things a little differently and that it's useful to you in some way.