Terrible love aftermath, shattered intimate relationships, loss of security?

Hello there!

It's clear from your questions that you've been in an unhealthy relationship for three years. It's understandable that you're feeling fearful and insecure about romantic relationships. It's great that you're ready to make some changes and work through your distress.

After the breakup, it seems like you've been hiding out in your room a lot. I get it. It's tough to open your heart to others again when you're still processing everything that's happened. I'm here for you, and I'm ready to listen to whatever you need to say.

It's totally normal to feel this way after being hurt in an intimate relationship. It's like you've taken the idea that "contact and communication with others is likely to cause harm" as a given, and you're projecting your past experiences onto your current relationship. It's only natural to feel insecure sometimes, and it's totally understandable to feel confused and helpless about establishing an intimate relationship. But have you also explored and considered the differences between the people you later come into contact with and the people who have hurt you in the past?

I have a suggestion for you:

1. Accept yourself and establish a sense of self-worth. It's so important to remember that we can't control other people's thoughts, so we need to learn to love ourselves just as we are. When we can improve ourselves in all aspects and establish a stable internal self-evaluation system, the love we give ourselves can nourish us in a stable and lasting way.

2. Take a moment to think about the good and bad things from your previous relationship. When you're ready to find your next partner, think about what you'd like to see in a relationship and read some books on effective communication to help you express your needs. When you communicate well, you can meet each other's needs and build a happy, long-lasting relationship.

3. Your pain is shared not only by yourself, but also by a group of people: your psychological counselor. They really understand you and empathize with you about the difficulties you are experiencing. So when you feel that you cannot be helped by yourself or by the people around you, you can seek help from a professional psychological counselor. Let them accompany you, help you uncover the root causes of your emotional conflicts and fears, release them, and adjust your state of mind.

Wishing you all the best!

Dear questioner, I extend my support and encouragement to you.

I am grateful to have had the opportunity to connect with you on this platform.

A careful reading of the questioner's description of his personal experiences and feelings reveals that his request for help can be summarized in the following title: "Bad love aftermath, intimate relationship shattered, loss of security?" This title contains several key words, including "love-aftermath," "intimate relationship-shattered," and "loss of security."

It is possible that our sense of security was not established on a solid foundation, which has led to difficulties in interpersonal relationships and intimacy. Alternatively, the issue may be more complex and may be closely related to our "object relations."

I would like to express my gratitude for your decision to seek assistance from this psychological platform. By doing so, you have created an opportunity for a greater number of perspectives to contribute to your understanding of the issues you are facing. I am also pleased to share my reflections and thoughts with you for your reference.

The preceding text is incomplete.

Let us first delineate the particulars of the situation described by the questioner and then proceed to interpret and analyze it.

The preceding three years of romantic involvement were characterized by unhealthy levels of attachment and emotional investment. Following a complete breakup in July 1987, a new romantic interest emerged in 1989. Upon his initial visit to my residence, I experienced a sudden and profound emotional breakdown. I subsequently retreated to the privacy of my room, allowing him to pursue me sexually. The motivation behind my behavior remains unclear.

In such a brief account, it is unclear whether the questioner perceives the relationship as pathological, unhealthy, or overly romantic. It is possible that such a relationship is destined to end in a breakup.

It is evident that the questioner has identified an issue in the relationship. To gain a more comprehensive understanding, it would be beneficial to delve deeper into the specifics of the situation.

In 1997, when I was the host and was being pursued, she came to my house once, which caused an "emotional breakdown." What was the reason behind this emotional response? Alternatively, was it this "emotional breakdown" that prompted us to consider our inner desires and the "real reason" for the repeated failures in intimate relationships?

For approximately 21 years, about three months, my best friend's mother visited our residence. During her mother's visits, I typically avoided the living room. I was often fatigued, and upon entering the house, I promptly sought solitude in a room. I recognized that I was not adequately warm, and I attempted to be cordial to my aunt. However, upon entering the house, I once again sought seclusion in a room. I even consumed snail noodles, which had a strong aroma. I also ate in the room and did not open the door or eat in the living room.

Upon the arrival of my best friend's mother at the house, I came to recognize that I had not been sufficiently warm towards the aunt. This realization, coupled with the questioner's "avoidance/escape" behavior, raises the question of whether the questioner is attempting to "deliberately avoid" "human relationships" with people of the same sex. At what point did such situations first emerge?

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether the phenomenon of "withdrawal/avoidance" in relationships with the opposite sex exhibits similarities. Could you kindly provide a suggestion if someone exhibits symptoms of interpersonal/social phobia?

In the final month of 2021, I was involved in a romantic relationship with a male partner. I was highly proactive in the relationship and held a strong emotional attachment to him. I believed that I had overcome my previous inhibitions and was capable of engaging in romantic relationships with men. As a result of this belief, we engaged in sexual intercourse on three occasions. The first time, I did not sleep for the entire night. The second time, I took a taxi back to my residence at 3 a.m. The third time, I remained awake until dawn with my eyes open. After this, we terminated the relationship.

In late 2011, the questioner initiated another intimate/romantic relationship, which proved to be short-lived, lasting only three instances. The questioner expressed the belief that he had overcome his capacity to accept men. Could it be that the questioner has become aware of his attachment pattern as avoidant/ambivalent?

It is imperative to ascertain whether the attachment type is secure. If this is determined through formal healing, there is a possibility of facilitating change.

It would be beneficial for the original poster to consider implementing a change for this reason.

In 2022, my best friend's friend came to stay for a few days. The dog at home was still young and had been raised by my best friend, so it needed someone to keep it company. Her friend, a girl, was afraid of dogs, so I left the door open to make it easier for the dog to come in and out. As a result, my normal daily routine was to go to bed at 3 o'clock and wake up at 11 o'clock. However, since my best friend's friend came, I have been waking up at 6 o'clock and remaining half-awake until 11 o'clock.

This year, my best friend's friend came to stay at my house for a few days. In order to address my friend's fear of dogs, it has affected my rest and sleep to a certain extent. This situation has also demonstrated that my body has reacted at a physical level. Over time, it will have a more significant impact on my body and mind. Indeed, any physical or psychological reaction we have has a deep-seated reason that indicates that we need to pay attention, care for, and nurture it. Otherwise, once ignored, it may cause even greater problems. Because the body never lies, it is essential to be aware of the underlying issue behind this "insomnia" and to address it.

In response to the question posed and based on my expertise, reflection, and understanding, I suggest the following approach:

Firstly, it is essential to accept one's own experiences and feelings of loss in the context of love and intimacy. This acceptance, coupled with an understanding of the underlying factors, is a prerequisite for change.

[1] Given that the frustration of love is now an objective reality, the key is to accept the diverse experiences it has brought us and then undertake a serious investigation into the underlying causes.

[2] Alternatively, can our upbringing and "object relations" influence the formation of our initial interpersonal relationships and interaction patterns, which in turn shape our current situations in "intimate relationships/romantic relationships"?

[3] The formation of cognitive patterns of love and attachment is related to each of our early attachment patterns with our mothers/primary caregivers. These patterns will affect the patterns we establish with others when we grow up. As in the case of the questioner's pattern of falling in love a few times, which the questioner compares to "the aftereffects of love," perhaps this has made the questioner "once bitten, twice shy"?

In practice, the three main categories of attachment patterns are typically distinguished as secure, avoidant, and ambivalent.

A secure attachment is defined as a positive and stable emotional bond, marked by care, intimacy, support, and understanding in a loving relationship. Individuals with this attachment style tend to view themselves as friendly, kind, and lovable, as well as perceiving others as generally friendly, reliable, and trustworthy. They exhibit comfort with intimacy and consistently feel secure in relying on others and letting others rely on them.

They typically do not experience concern about being abandoned or exhibit apprehension when others attempt to establish an emotionally intimate connection.

Avoidant attachment is an emotional connection that resists commitment to others. Individuals with avoidant attachment often begin to withdraw before the relationship can improve. They are suspicious and indifferent about love, believing that others are unreliable or overly eager to make commitments. As a result, they find it challenging to fully trust and rely on others. As soon as someone attempts to become emotionally close to them, they become nervous. Fundamentally, they are avoiding intimacy.

The third category of attachment is ambivalent attachment, which is a complex emotional bond that mixes conflicting feelings of love and anger. It is characterized by mixed emotions towards interpersonal relationships, which puts people in a state of conflict between love, hate, suspicion, indecision, and inability to let go, resulting in an unstable and contradictory psychological state. Individuals with this attachment style tend to believe that they are misunderstood and unappreciated, that their romantic partners and friends are unreliable, and are unwilling to establish lasting relationships with others.

It is essential to ascertain the type of model the questioner adheres to and the nature of the "emotional attachment" model that has been formed during the growth process. This information is crucial for understanding the underlying causes of the current avoidance of interpersonal and intimate relationships. A comprehensive exploration of the specific traumatic experiences that have led to this avoidance is also necessary. These experiences must be addressed in a targeted manner to facilitate healing and facilitate the development of healthy interpersonal and intimate relationships.

Secondly, the author should seek the guidance of a professional psychologist specialising in intimate relationships and romantic relationships. This will facilitate targeted exchanges and in-depth discussions aimed at identifying the underlying cause and assisting the author in understanding their attachment patterns in romantic relationships. Additionally, it will enable the author to modify their interaction patterns in relationships.

1. It is recommended that the topic owner seek the assistance of a qualified psychological instructor to assist in the clarification of their social forms, interpersonal relationships, intimate relationships, and emotional attachment patterns. Once these aspects have been identified, targeted coping strategies can then be employed.

2. Indeed, a sense of security is directly related to the attachment relationship established with primary caregivers during childhood. It is possible that we carry some form of trauma from this period. Consequently, when entering a relationship as an adult, we may experience a lack of security. Once in a relationship, we tend to demand security from the other person. This is an issue of self-awareness that must be understood before establishing a relationship. Only by recognizing our own problems can we be aware of and learn to provide ourselves with a sense of security in a relationship.

3. Once an individual has acquired the ability to confront their early experiences, traumas, and fixed patterns, and has established their position within the interpersonal relationship model, they may be able to achieve a deeper understanding of themselves and others. This process may necessitate the guidance of a professional instructor to facilitate a more comprehensive understanding of the self.

4. Once the individual has identified their own interpersonal relationship patterns, social patterns, and intimacy/emotional attachment patterns, they can then care for their own psychological growth in accordance with reality and reconstruct their own psychological boundaries. This is the only way to ensure that they can be "at ease" and be themselves in any relationship.

5. Prior to entering a relationship, it is essential to cultivate a healthy relationship with oneself. The ability to love and empower oneself is a prerequisite for mastering one's psychological defense strategies in a relationship. For further insight, I recommend the following readings: "Meet the Unknown You," "When You Start to Love Yourself, the Whole World Will Love You Back," "Love Yourself Back," "The Trap of Love: How to Give Intimacy a Second Chance," and others.

In conclusion, this is my interpretation and response to the original poster's inquiry. It is my hope that it will provide the original poster with positive and constructive guidance and assistance. I pray that the original poster will prioritize self-love and personal growth, enabling them to become the primary decision-maker in their relationships.

I am a unified entity, a harmonious convergence of heart and mind, embracing the world with unconditional love.

Hello!

I'm a heart detective coach. Learning is the body's treasure.

From your description, I can tell you're feeling uneasy, anxious, worried, in pain, and helpless.

I won't go into the problems you had in your unhealthy relationship. I have three pieces of advice for you.

Think about the negative effects the last three years of relationships have had on you. Be specific.

You said your last three years were terrible. You're still affected by them. Think about what that means.

For example, you could say that because you loved too much, you can't love others. So now if someone courts you, you're afraid to really be with them. You could also say that because of the bad relationships you've experienced, you're afraid of being hurt again. So you're afraid to trust men again. You could also say that because of the failed relationship, you were very frustrated. You wanted to get to know someone better, but you were afraid that if the other person saw your true self, they wouldn't like you. So you didn't want to get close.

Knowing the negative effects is the first step to getting out of your current situation.

Second, think about the negative aspects you've identified.

Rationally, you can understand yourself and reality better.

To rationalize, do the following two things:

You are different now than before. So is the guy you are seeing.

If you're worried about whether you're liked for who you really are or afraid to trust and love, you need to understand the difference. This may help you escape the "aftermath" and change the situation.

You need to learn to view yourself with a developmental perspective because you are young and have time to learn how to manage relationships.

You can change the status quo.

You can change. You can start a new relationship.

You need to learn to love yourself, give yourself a sense of security, and affirm yourself. This will make you stronger and more confident, so you can find true love again.

If you think about it, some of your negative feelings might go away.

Focus on yourself and think about how you can feel better.

When you think about the negative effects, you may know what to do. Focus on yourself and try your best.

Ask yourself what your true thoughts are and think about those emotions. This will make your heart feel a little easier because you are identifying your negative emotions and reading the message behind them.

Look back at the past three years of bad relationships. See what you did wrong. Then make changes. When you improve your ability to love, you will manage the next relationship well.

Get in touch with other people, like your best friend's mother, and other members of the opposite sex. They are different from your ex-boyfriend, and your relationship with them is different from your previous relationship. This will help you become confident and sunny.

You can learn to love yourself, pay more attention to your feelings, respect your feelings more, and satisfy your needs more. This will help you feel more secure and improve your mood.

Taking action can help you feel better.

I hope this helps. Click "Find a coach" at the bottom to talk one-on-one.

It is clear that your past romantic experiences have had a negative impact on you. The bad relationships you had in the past have caused trauma, and you are right to feel that you are becoming more sensitive and uncomfortable with interpersonal relationships. This is causing you a lot of pain.

You will realize that you were once very sick. You will also realize that you will have a kind of reflexive breakdown when you meet a guy in the future. You just can't bring yourself to get close to people. And you will meet a guy you like, but the relationship will only last three nights before you break up. This is also very unbelievable.

We must slow down the pace of entering into relationships. This will allow us to become more aware of what we want now and understand whether something has happened that requires a period of time to heal our wounds.

You rarely stay in the living room when other people come over. This indicates a certain degree of social withdrawal and a desire to remain in a safe, protected space. If this continues, it could have a negative impact on your personal confidence.

The recent events are about your best friend. Since this friend came over, your sleeping time has also decreased, and the quality of sleep is poor. If no changes are made, it will have a longer-term impact on you. You must seek counseling to heal your wounds.

You must process the trauma cognitively. What happened at the time may not have been your fault. As a dedicated heart coach, I recommend that you read some books on trauma healing, including "What Have You Been Through: Conversations on Trauma, Healing, and Resilience," "You Are Your Own Psychologist," and "Growing Again: Embracing the Child Within." Keep growing and doing your best.

ZQ?