The dead cannot return to life, but what should I do if I can't let go?

Dear Question Asker, I am honored to have the opportunity to address your question.

First, provide a reassuring gesture such as a pat on the shoulder to offer the questioner a sense of support and encouragement. It is important to recognize that the experience of losing a loved one can be a traumatic event, potentially leading to negative emotions.

For reasons unknown, the questioner assisted his grandfather in making a phone call during the final stage, which resulted in his grandfather missing the opportunity to seek medical treatment. This action caused the questioner to experience feelings of remorse and guilt.

The closer an individual is to another, the more profound and robust the emotional bond that forms between them. This bond is characterised by the exchange of love, emotional dependence and attachment, and the intertwining and integration of each other's lives. It can be likened to a tree growing in one's heart, intertwined and connected by its roots.

The pain of losing a loved one is akin to having a tree uprooted, resulting in the tearing away of flesh and blood.

Currently, the questioner is consumed by the grief of a loved one's passing. As a result, they are unable to fully appreciate the joy of life or feel the vitality in their own lives. Everything has become very poor and empty. This bond of love has affected their current life, causing them to experience depression, unhappiness, guilt, and regret. It appears that the questioner is using their own pain to mourn the deceased.

The loss of a loved one is a significant event that can have a profound impact on an individual's emotional and psychological well-being. Those who have experienced such a loss often undergo a series of psychological reactions, which can be broadly classified into five stages.

The initial stage is characterised by denial and isolation.

It is not uncommon for individuals to find it difficult to accept the reality of the death of a loved one. This can result in a range of stress reactions.

Emotionally, the following symptoms may be experienced: sadness, anxiety, loneliness, helplessness, shock, guilt, and self-blame. Physically, the following symptoms may be experienced: fatigue, sighing, insomnia, restlessness, crying, appetite disorders, chest tightness, and even suffocation. Cognitively, the following symptoms may be experienced: thoughts of disbelief, confusion, and being immersed in thoughts of the deceased.

In light of these physical and mental reactions, many individuals will develop defense mechanisms to avoid and deny reality. For instance, some may avoid situations that trigger memories, while others, even after witnessing the departure of a loved one, may still refuse to accept the reality of the situation.

The second stage is characterised by anger.

The initial shock of the situation begins to recede, and the reality of the situation and its associated pain resurface. This is an unanticipated and challenging development for many individuals, and strong emotions manifest outwardly from a vulnerable core, often taking the form of anger. For example, we may question why our loved ones have passed away, why medical professionals were unable to save them, and why our loved ones had to leave us and cause us so much pain.

Stage 3: Bargaining

It is not uncommon for individuals to attribute the death of a loved one to their own actions or inactions. This can lead to a cycle of self-doubt and self-blame, making it challenging to move forward.

Stage 4: Depression

At this juncture, it is clear that our actions cannot alter the circumstances, and the pain will be compounded. There is no longer any rationale for avoidance. We will become highly vulnerable, depressed, out of control, and lose sight of our own aspirations, as all hope and vision for the future are destroyed.

This is the most challenging stage of the five, and in severe cases, individuals may even consider suicide. It is therefore understandable that the questioner would have suicidal thoughts and feel anxious. The most important thing is to communicate your feelings to your living relatives and not face such emotions alone.

If the issue remains unresolved, it is advisable to seek the assistance of a professional counselor.

Stage 5: Accepting the truth – expressing grief – relief

It is important to accept that our loved ones have passed away and to express our grief through appropriate means. With time, the grief will gradually fade, allowing us to re-embrace life.

Grief is a natural response to the loss of a loved one. It is important to remember that everyone has the ability to heal themselves. While loss is painful, grief is the channel through which we grieve.

When individuals are able to acknowledge and accept their painful emotions, and allow themselves to grieve fully, they are often able to move through this process successfully.

The length of the grieving period varies from person to person. In general, most people's grieving periods are less than six months. Some individuals may continue to grieve for an extended period and experience difficulty moving on.

If the situation persists for more than six months, it is advisable to seek professional assistance, including grief counseling if necessary.

For those who have lost a loved one, the first step is to accept the emotions that accompany grief, including fear and guilt. It is important to recognize that these feelings are normal and to avoid trying to fight them or make assumptions in order to avoid them. It is beneficial to express the full range of emotions that accompany grief, including self-blame and anger. Seeking support from family and friends is also helpful. Sharing needs with these individuals and allowing them to support you in navigating grief can be beneficial. The love and support from family and partners can also be a source of warmth and healing during this time.

It is recommended that the questioner seek the assistance of a professional counselor to share their feelings and express their grief. The counselor will provide guidance to help the questioner strengthen their mental energy, adjust their perception, stabilize their emotions, and release this heavy emotion, thereby reducing pain and minimizing the impact on other aspects of life. As the trauma and real-life troubles are resolved one by one, the questioner will gradually move out of this stage, rebuild their confidence, and regain a sense of meaning in life, eventually returning to a normal state of being.

I hope this response is helpful to the questioner.

Good afternoon!

From what you've told me, you've realised you made a mistake and feel really bad about it. You also feel pretty helpless. Your family has not given you the warmth and love you need, and you want to get away from them, but you can't. I've got a few suggestions for you, but I don't know if they'll help.

First, let's talk about your grandfather.

It's possible that the death of your grandfather has filled you with remorse and conflict, but in reality, this is just the last straw that has crushed you.

When people grow old, they eventually pass away. There's no going back, and no amount of regret will help. So focus on the living.

I imagine Grandpa was pretty sad before he passed away. His youngest son was sick, his daughter-in-law didn't understand him, and they didn't get along. As for you, you also didn't understand him and didn't get along with him. Your uncle could tell from the time you told him that you wanted Grandpa to go to a nursing home that you didn't get along very well either.

So, the old man's last few days weren't very good.

Now that we're feeling distressed, we also want to ease our conscience about what we've done. So let's help this poor old man and do something.

First, make an effort to visit your father more often. After all, he is your father.

Second, try to be a little more comforting to your mother. She's old, so don't always complain. You don't want her to end up like your grandfather, and that would make you feel bad too.

Then, do your best to educate your younger brother and help him stay on the right path.

Ultimately, it's about you. You need to learn to grow up. You need to become strong so you can grow up healthily in this family environment, stay positive, and pray for the deceased in your heart.

Second, let's talk about your mother.

First, you need to understand your mother. Your father is seriously ill, and she's the one holding the family together, so her mood is understandably not good.

It's also worth noting that not many mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law have a good relationship since ancient times. With the loss of a communication bridge between the two sides of your blood relationship, she naturally feels even more sad.

Next, you need to teach your mother to be content and grateful. Grandpa did it for the good of the family; otherwise, he wouldn't have been earning money for your younger brother at his age. You need to persuade your mother to be content and understand.

If your grandmother or grandfather were still doing such things at such an old age, she'd be pretty distressed, I'd say.

Furthermore, you need to give your mother some support and attention, communicate more, and help her feel more comfortable. Once Grandpa passed away, your mother actually felt uncomfortable too. No matter how much they argued, the reality is that they have lost another breadwinner.

And nobody is heartless. She may not say it, but she is still a little sad about your grandfather's passing.

Thirdly, there's you.

First, go back to this family and think of it as a chance to learn and grow. Take responsibility for your actions and don't avoid it. If you avoid dealing with even the people closest to you, how can you go on living in the future? Will you still be able to enjoy every day with a clear conscience?

You definitely won't!

Second, you need to start growing from within, become stronger, and learn to accept the difficulties of real life. If you are optimistic, you will find unforgettable happiness even in difficult situations.

In addition, list the areas where you feel you could improve and start with the things that are easiest to change. You will gradually become a better version of yourself. Nobody is perfect, so don't get too caught up in the details. Since the past is set in stone, then face the future with an open mind. Just think of it as your grandfather coming to wish you well and to let you understand the importance of family and awaken your feelings for it.

Finally, family happiness is something we learn from watching adults when we're young, and then we have to learn it for ourselves when we grow up. So hang in there. I hope you can be happy too. In fact, there are many people facing problems like yours, and I am one of them.

I've got a little trick for you. When you're feeling down, try not to think about anything, don't make any decisions, find something you like to do that's simple and repetitive, and do it for a while. It'll help to ease your emotions.

The toughest part is growing up! I hope you can live a happy life with an open heart.

Hello. I'm Shushu, and I'm honored to have met you at Yi Xinli.

I saw your question. Let's talk.

Your grandfather looked for you before he died, but you refused. He left, and now you regret it. Tell me how you feel.

You didn't help your grandfather in time because you didn't want to be bothered by him anymore. But you didn't want him to die, did you? The death of an elderly person is related to external factors, but ultimately it is related to the length of his own life cycle.

You need to accept help from those who trust you. Don't let this happen again. Loving and being loved is the most precious emotion, but it's sustained by little things.

You live in a family where people complain and blame each other. You've been influenced by this, even though you don't want to be like this. The arguments with your mother and pushing your grandfather away show how much pain you feel.

You don't want to hate the way people act, but you have started to.

You love your grandfather and know how hard it is for him. But you are also afraid of shouldering the family burden alone.

You are also unhappy. You can manage this in your own way. Go to the cemetery, write the old man a letter, or express your feelings to your grandfather.

Think about how you want to treat yourself and others and what kind of life you want.