The eldest is a first-year female student who is unhappy every day, sensitive and suspicious, angry and resentful of everyone?

Dear questioner, I'm so excited to hear from you!

We totally get it!

You love both children, and you're doing a great job of it! The eldest's behavior might be a bit much at times, but you're handling it like a champ.

I'm so excited to share what I know with you! I really hope it will be comforting and inspiring.

1. In families with two children, more attention is paid to the eldest child, which is great because it means you love them both!

I know you love both children and pay close attention to the eldest, and I admire you for that!

It's totally normal for there to be some bumps in the road when it comes to the eldest child's studies.

At this time, it's so important to try to understand the eldest child's psychology.

The two children are several years apart, which is great because it means they have different needs and can learn from each other.

It's important to remember that before the younger child came along, the eldest was an only child.

Now, her feelings are totally different after the birth of her younger brother!

As parents, we may have tried very hard to take care of our children's psychological well-being, and it's so important to do so! But it's also important to remember that their thoughts are very different from ours.

For example, parents usually habitually ask the eldest child to take care of the younger ones, which can be very disappointing for the eldest child. But there's another way!

What parents see as fair may not be seen as such by the child—and that's okay!

And there's more! The child is entering puberty when she starts junior high school, and it is totally normal for her emotions to fluctuate greatly at this time.

She's also facing pressure at school and her parents' dissatisfaction with her grades. She'll have lots of emotions, which we think may be unhappiness, sensitivity, suspicion, and irritability.

We can learn to see if this is the case when she doesn't have a younger brother!

Absolutely! She'll be better off when there are fewer conflicts between her and her parents.

The child has so many ways to deal with her emotions! She wants to get attention, and she'll get it. Her parents are more concerned about her studies, but that doesn't mean they don't love her. They'll understand her mood, her need for understanding, and her need to be fully accepted.

So, as parents, we should first stop labeling our kids. Instead, we can take a deep breath and figure out what happened. We can even try to understand our kids better! We can stop thinking that our kids are wrong.

2. In two-child families, it's a great idea to try to understand the eldest child's psychology more!

In families with two children, there are so many wonderful things to discover!

For example, the eldest child was an excellent and sensible child when she was young. Since the birth of her younger brother, her temperament has changed a lot—and it's been quite the journey!

They will vent their anger on their younger siblings at the slightest disagreement, which is a great way for them to release their emotions!

As long as there are two children, there will be conflicts—and that's a good thing!

Professor Li Meijin says, "Focus on the older child, not the younger one."

And we usually have high expectations for the eldest child!

And remember, the eldest child is just a child too!

Some older children even subconsciously create a lot of problems because they feel that their younger siblings have taken away the love that their parents used to show them exclusively – it's a fascinating phenomenon!

It's not uncommon for the eldest child to deliberately fail at school, which is a great way to get more attention from their parents!

As parents, you have the amazing opportunity to be more wise! Sometimes, if you give your child more love, her learning problems may be solved.

In some families, there's a wonderful way to make the eldest child feel loved and important. They create time alone with the eldest child, for example, by entrusting the younger child to the care of the elderly. This allows the eldest child to feel special and important, which is a great way to show love!

Do things that make the eldest child happy and see how much joy that brings to everyone!

Children cannot express their negative emotions rationally, so they will do things like kicking their younger siblings that we don't like. But here's the good news! We can help them learn to express their emotions in a more constructive way.

Absolutely! We have to point out that what the child did was wrong, but we also need to understand the child's psychological needs behind it.

Because of the existence of the second child, the eldest child gets to enjoy even more love and attention!

So, parents should tell the elder child:

"You are our first child, and we love you 100%!"

"Guess what! Mom and dad love you both equally, but they love you two differently. And the love they give you will never be less."

Once the eldest child feels her parents' love for her is endless, she'll be ready to share it with her younger sibling and become the best big sister ever!

Be sure to encourage your eldest child's studies as much as possible and try to minimize conflicts.

I know it can be tough, but I'm here to help!

It's so important that we improve ourselves!

Just share these!

If you're interested, you've got to check out How to Say to Your Children in Order to Live in Peace!

Wishing you the very best!

Hello, I'm Strawberry.

From the questioner's confession, it is clear that she still values the eldest child's grades. When her grades could not keep up, she enrolled her in a tutorial class. This is a clear indication that you, as parents, are neglecting her when you treat your children normally.

After every conflict with her parents, the eldest child would vent her anger on her younger brother. This is clearly bullying, but is she doing it because he is too young to fight back, or is she using this as a way to express to her parents that the love they give is not equal? Is a child who uses violence to solve problems also imitating their parents?

It is essential to identify the child's inner needs.

When did your child start falling behind in school? The age difference between the two children is two years, so the age difference between the eldest child and the youngest should not be much. The questioner and her husband should be able to help with the tutoring. So, when the child first started falling behind, did the questioner and her husband immediately show concern for the child? What caused this situation? Did they patiently teach the child?

Children don't suddenly stop wanting to learn for no reason. As parents, you still have expectations for your child and hope that she can achieve a certain level. When signing up for tutoring classes, you should discuss it with your child and listen to her own ideas.

Children are young, but parents must respect them. It's not enough to think, "I'm the parent, so what I arrange for you is the best and right thing. Just do as I say." Sometimes children are willing to do what adults arrange for them, but they want the same respect in return. They will be more receptive if adults respond in a timely manner to their inner needs.

Pay attention to the small details.

Different thinking leads to different levels of attention to detail. When treating two children, parents must pay close attention to the details, or the children may perceive unequal treatment.

In families with multiple children, it is normal for siblings to fight or argue with each other, regardless of their age difference. This is how they build relationships with each other. As long as they can handle it themselves, parents should not interfere and should definitely not discourage the older child. This will only hurt the older child.

Children may even become hostile towards their siblings because of their parents' behavior. They may think that their parents' love has been divided among them and that this has caused their parents to neglect them. This makes them long for their parents' attention and love, but they are afraid to express it.

Rebuild intimacy with your children.

The eldest child's behavior towards the younger one is not a way of telling her parents that she doesn't like their arrangement. It's a form of self-comforting. The younger child is not a threat to her. He is incapable of stealing her parents' love from her or of fighting back against her bullying. The child's desire is for her parents to see her.

Re-establish intimacy with your child by trying the following methods:

☀️ Discussion: Respect your child in every aspect of life and discuss with them. If she wants to go to a tutorial class, discuss with her whether she wants to go. If she doesn't want to go, discuss with her what she thinks and what solutions she has for not being able to keep up with her studies. Give your child a voice and let her learn to express herself.

☀️ Parent-child interaction: Hug your child more often and kiss them more often. They need to know that they are just as important to you as their younger sibling. Arrange more parent-child activities and interactions to create more beautiful memories for your child.

Parents are their children's best role models. If they want their children to do something, they must set a good example themselves first. They should not say to their children, "I'm only studying here to keep you company." They should sit next to their children while they study, creating an atmosphere that encourages their children to study on their own initiative.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful to the questioner. Best wishes.

Hello, question owner! It seems like you're facing some confusion, and I totally get it. It's so common for family dynamics to get a little messy when the eldest child is going through some personal stuff. It's like they're dealing with a lot of different emotions, and it can really spill over into family arguments. I've read your description, and I've made a few general guesses based on what you've shared.

1. I'm wondering if the arrival of the second child might have left the eldest child feeling a bit left out?

From what you've told me, it seems like when you blame the eldest child, he gets angry at the younger child. I'm wondering, how was your relationship like before the second child was born?

If things were already good between you and your child before the arrival of the second child, it can be really tough when your eldest child is constantly blamed. It can feel like the parents are targeting them because of the younger brother. If there were no younger brother, the parents would not hate them and would not be mean to them. All the anger is directed at the younger brother.

As parents, we know it can be tough when our kids are going through a rough patch. So, we wanted to ask you, as parents, what would you do when your daughter bullies her younger brother?

I have a feeling you might be protecting your younger brother a little too much. When you do that and also accuse your daughter, I wonder how she feels.

This can become a vicious cycle, where the more rebellious your daughter becomes, the more conflict you'll have. It's so hard when this happens, but try to remember that it's a normal part of growing up.

2. Try to understand what emotional needs might be missing behind your daughter's feelings.

It's natural for children to become invisible competitors with each other. The arrival of a younger sibling is a kind of pressure on the eldest child, and the love that used to be all his or her own has to be shared. It's a process that they have to adapt to, and they'll get through it just fine!

It's clear that your daughter and son have a competitive relationship in your family. Your younger son is still so young, bless him, that he can win the love of his parents just by being himself. Your daughter, on the other hand, has to work hard to get her parents' love by doing well in school and being good at everything. She'll also be criticized by her parents for making mistakes, while her brother doesn't have to do anything at all!

3. Advice for you, my friend

It's so important to break the competitive relationship between the children and turn the two into a cooperative relationship. The elder sister will not have to protect the younger brother because he is younger and a boy, and the younger sister will not have to let the elder sister win because she is older.

Re-establish a bond of affection with your daughter. Instead of criticizing your child, you need to use a caring approach. Try to tell your younger brother that he is protecting his sister and being a man. Your sister also needs to protect her brother. The two of them need to work together. When conflicts arise, they should share the blame equally. There is no right or wrong. They will then establish a cooperative relationship and cultivate love between the children.

And then they'll be able to relax, knowing that the older sister won't be taking it out on the younger brother all the time.

And don't forget to guide your daughter to release her emotional pressure and find a suitable way to vent, in a way that doesn't harm herself or her younger brother.

It's so sad when kids bully the weak to vent. It's just not the right way to do things. As parents, we need to guide our little ones in the right direction.

Hello, worried mom with an angry daughter.

Your message reminds me of my friend's children. They are similar in many ways. We have guessed many times. I can imagine parents with two children at home, facing children in adolescence, being "tortured" to the verge of collapse, and also feeling sadness, helplessness, self-blame, and frustration.

I want to balance the relationship between the two children and the time I spend with them. But the age difference makes it difficult.

From what you said, it seems like mom and dad are trying not to get involved in their kids' fights. They're also trying to take care of their daughter's feelings. But their daughter's behavior is getting worse, which makes you worry and feel angry.

Your daughter's emotions may be a reaction to more than just the recent interaction. She's in seventh grade and going through puberty, which can cause mood swings. She's curious, uncertain, and worried about her identity. Your three-year-old son is also going through a sensitive period. He's learning about control and power, which can lead to competition with his sister.

This stage is hard for everyone in your family.

My daughter's sensitivity and suspicion are partly due to her being in adolescence and partly due to how I communicated with her before and after our second child was born. I suggest that the questioner can find a professional counselor to help their daughter through adolescence. Parents can also listen to professional opinions to understand their daughter better.

Read the books When I Met Someone and Tavistock: Understanding Your Child to understand how family interactions affect you.

I hope the original poster can see her intentions for her family and children, accept her powerlessness, and allow herself to lose control of her emotions. These are all stages we will experience as parents. I hope you can find a way to release your emotions so you can be more stable, wise, and in control of your children.

Mothers should also take care of themselves.

Hello, I am Gu Daoxi Fengshou Slender Donkey.

From my own experience as a former child (I am the eldest in the family), I can empathize with the feelings of children. Having become a mother myself, I can also understand why parents might feel frustrated when their children do not obey them.

From the child's perspective:

My parents tend to focus on my academic performance, which I understand, but I would appreciate more insight into why my grades are not as strong as they could be.

It seems that my parents are perhaps more focused on my younger brother than on themselves.

It seems that my younger brother has taken all the love away from me, which has unfortunately led to my parents no longer loving me and hitting me whenever I make a mistake.

My brother and I sometimes have disagreements over things like food and toys.

It seems that my parents' attention is primarily focused on my academic performance.

From the perspective of a parent,

It seems that they are primarily focused on their eldest child's academic performance, which may not be fully appreciated by her. This could potentially lead to occasional disagreements.

It seems that she doesn't listen and often bullies her brother.

It's important to remember that children often make mistakes, and this is probably because they want our attention. One of the BabyBus bedtime stories my daughter likes best is "I Want to Be a Baby." In the story, the protagonist, the fire-breathing dragon, has a younger brother. After the younger brother was born, his mother focused all her attention on him. The fire-breathing dragon felt that his mother didn't love him anymore, so he wanted whatever his brother wanted. When his brother drank milk, he also wanted to drink milk. As a result, his teeth were too sharp and he bit through the milk bottle. When his brother wanted to sleep in the cot, he took it away from him, and the cot collapsed. Both he and his brother fell to the ground, and he got a splinter in his hand. However, his mother only cared about the crying brother. In the end, his mother listened carefully to the fire-breathing dragon's feelings and explained the reasons, affirming her love for him. The fire-breathing dragon returned to normal and was willing to play with his brother.

It might be helpful for the questioner to try to calm down and think about what might be going on in her daughter's mind.

First and foremost, it is of the utmost importance to listen carefully.

1) It would be helpful to understand why her daughter's grades are not as strong as they could be and what might be affecting her grades and interest in learning.

2) It would be helpful to understand why your daughter is targeting her brother. Is it because he has taken her snacks and toys, or does she feel that her parents no longer care for her after the birth of her brother? (My daughter really wanted a younger sibling before, but after her cousin stayed with us for a while and fought with her for toys and snacks every day, she firmly opposed having a second child.)

3) It would be helpful to understand why your daughter is hostile towards everyone in the family. Could it be because of the way you treat your brother and her, which makes her feel like you are treating them differently, or that she is not the favorite? Or could it be because of the way her brother cleans up after her while she is studying, and that her expression of dissatisfaction is being refuted?

Secondly, it would be beneficial to empathize with your child's emotions. Empathy can be defined as the ability to experience the inner world of others. This information was sourced from the "Baidu Encyclopedia."

It may be helpful for the questioner to express understanding, acceptance, and tolerance for the emotions expressed by the child. This could help the child feel cared for, worthy of love, and loved by her parents.

It is important to remember that children of all ages can benefit from being soothed when they cry and hearing others laugh when they smile. This helps them to understand that the outside world responds to their emotions in a soothing way. From "The Power of Empathy"

Thirdly, it may be helpful to consider modifying your actions in response to your expectations of your child.

1. You might consider asking your sister what she would like her parents to do. If her request is reasonable, you could treat her in the way she wants. If it is not, it would be helpful to explain to your child why her expectations will be rejected.

2. It might be helpful to explain to your child why there seems to be a difference in the way you and your husband treat your younger brother, while there is no difference in the love you both have for them.

3. It may be helpful to express sincere apologies to your child for any mistakes you and your spouse may have made. This could help your child feel respected and engaged in an equal dialogue.

4. It might be helpful to approach the negotiation by making an agreement that everyone will abide by. This could help to give the child a sense of certainty.

5. It would be beneficial to talk to your child regularly. Summarize the positive behaviors and the ways to handle the negative behaviors that your child has shown during this period of time. Continue to make efforts to improve your own behavior as well.

If I might make one final suggestion, it would be to read The Power of Empathy.

I believe this book could be helpful for you in understanding and accepting your child's emotions, which might make it easier for your child to open up to you.

I hope this finds you well.

Hello!

Hello, I'm Kelly Shui.

I see a few things that might need some extra attention.

1: The eldest is a sweet girl, the second is a lovely boy, and they are three years old. (When raising a son, did you neglect the eldest child?)

I've also seen many families forget about their eldest child's feelings because of the arrival of a second child.

The questioner was on the ball and noticed her daughter's emotions in time, as well as her changes. It's so great that you noticed the problem! It shows you care about your eldest child and are an attentive parent. It also happens to be a good time to understand:

It's so important to pay attention to the psychological changes of the older child in families with two children. If there are tendencies such as emotional outbursts, the family must unconditionally care for and understand the child.

As first-time parents, we're also learning a lot about our child's mental health. It's natural to feel like you're constantly on the go with a newborn! We often don't notice when our child is in a bad mood or struggling with schoolwork. It's okay to lose interest in some things when you're adjusting to parenthood.

As parents, we can simply observe our children's emotions, try to keep a cool head, and remind ourselves: why is my child like this? What's going on with her emotions?

Approach your child with lots of love and care.

2: It's a great idea for the whole family to learn some psychology together! It'll really help them in the long run.

1. Has the eldest child's personality changed at all because of the birth of the second child? Does the eldest child long for the attention of adults?

2. It would be great to help the elder sister establish an authoritative image as the eldest in her younger brother's eyes. At the same time, through this unfortunate incident of hitting her younger brother, the family can have a family meeting together, allowing the elder sister to express her emotions. If the parents have done something wrong, they should apologize right away.

Be a good role model and show the older child how to say sorry to the younger one.

This way, the siblings can learn the family rules without any negative feelings or violence.

3. Parents can take some courses together at home, which is a great way to bond! The elder child can act as the teacher and the younger child can be the student, or the elder child can teach the younger child some things like drawing. This is a wonderful way for the older and younger children to learn together.

The eldest child is having a tough time at school and there are lots of arguments about studies. It would be great to understand more about what's going on for them at this age!

1: Many parents will overlook one thing: their older child was quite cute when they were young, but since the birth of their younger sibling, she has changed.

The younger child is not yet at school and is not under pressure. He is loved and cherished by his parents, and the siblings will always vie for their parents' attention. Parents cannot bear to see the older child look unhappy or criticize her.

If this is the case, the eldest child might feel that both parents favor the younger child. This could happen, for example, when the younger child is always given delicious food or toys. The eldest child might feel jealous and angry in this situation.

Often, the eldest child is just watching from the sidelines, bless their heart.

2: Children at different stages. Two- and three-year-olds sometimes try to please their parents, and parents can sometimes forget about their older sister's study pressures. As they grow up, they develop a lot of independence, and girls at this age can also become sensitive and suspicious.

For instance, when parents chat about the older child, it's also a good idea to keep an eye on whether the younger child is going to follow their parents' example and give the older child a bit of a hard time.

We all know how hard it can be for parents to supervise their older children with their homework every day. If the child is always procrastinating, the girl sometimes faces anxious parents and thinks that criticizing her means they don't love her. (I'm sure the older child would feel even more let down when they see their younger sibling being spoiled.)

So, it's important to remember that different kids need different kinds of friends at different times in their lives.

3: It's so important for parents to understand and accept their child's emotions.

It's okay to be relaxed. When the eldest daughter realizes that she's no longer the center of the family, it's natural for her to feel a little lost. It's perfectly normal!

It's possible that the eldest child's distress and resentment towards the younger child is an attempt to get the attention of their parents. It's important to remember not to overreact to this, as it's a natural reaction.

It's so important to understand the eldest child's current academic pressure and to criticize her less.

When she's in a relaxed family atmosphere, free from negative comments, the eldest child can feel her status at home hasn't been lowered by the arrival of her younger brother. This means she won't take it out on him, which is great!

4: Let your child feel loved!

It's always better to act than to lecture, to give the child a sense of security.

For example, you can often tell her, "Mum and Dad still love you the same, just in a different way. You and your brother are currently at different stages in your lives. You have already started learning, and Mum needs your help. I need you to take care of yourself and to organize your studies well, sweetheart."

Your younger brother needs more care in his daily life, and you are older, so be sure to praise your daughter for doing well. Also, don't hesitate to tell her to promptly express any requests or ideas so that mom and dad can spend more time chatting with you.

This will also give your daughter the chance to think about herself and to be understood without being harshly criticized for hitting her brother. I truly believe that your family will get along better and happier as a result, and I wish you all the very best for the New Year!

If you're interested, you can read about why families get sick.

Hello! I'm a heart exploration coach, and I'm here to help. It's totally normal for your eldest child to be going through a rough patch. I see that your girl is in the first year of junior high school, and she's struggling with some emotional challenges. She's sensitive, suspicious, angry, and resentful of everyone.

Your eldest daughter is in the first year of junior high school, and your second child is a three-year-old boy. Your eldest daughter has some emotional conflicts with you every day over her studies. It seems like whenever she has a conflict with you, she takes it out on her younger brother.

My younger daughter took one of her cookies, so she took a long wooden board and hit her younger brother. The sound was loud but it didn't hurt. Then she hid under the covers and said to her younger brother, "Come on!" You don't think that what your older daughter did will have any effect on disciplining her younger brother, so you told her that in the future she should punish her younger brother so that he knows what pain is, and not always joke around with him like she does, because he doesn't take it seriously.

Then your eldest daughter came downstairs, grabbed her younger brother, and dragged him into the room. Your younger brother was so scared that he started crying because the sweater was choking him. You and her father were both taken by surprise and couldn't understand what had happened. You said to her, "Oh, sweetheart, why did you do that? You need to deal with things as they happen. You shouldn't keep pursuing the past." You and your younger brother were sitting on the floor mat when your eldest daughter came over and kicked him. She also kicked you a few times. You got angry. The whole process made you feel terrible. She was acting like a crazy person. Then you punched her directly. You felt that you could no longer tolerate it. You and your wife had always been careful to take care of your eldest daughter's emotions, but still, something happened that you didn't want to happen. You felt very sad, angry, and helpless.

1️⃣ Understand puberty. It's a big change for everyone!

I can see how you're feeling. I can tell you're really worried about your eldest daughter. It's so hard to keep your emotions in check, especially when you're trying to be patient and understanding. I can understand why you sometimes feel like you've reached your limit and you're left with no choice but to punish her.

It's totally normal to feel unsure about how to get along with your daughter. It's also normal to feel like you don't understand her inner thoughts and actions. It's okay to feel like your eldest daughter is not right. It's also normal to feel like she is emotionally sensitive and suspicious, and full of resentment towards the family. The good news is that you can work through these negative emotions together.

My eldest daughter is in adolescence. She's a sensitive soul, and she's also quite suspicious and has a strong sense of self-esteem. She pays great attention to what others think of her, and she's in the period of initially establishing a sense of self-identity. She has a lot of internal conflicts and contradictions, which are projected onto the external world. I'm sure you'll find there will also be a lot of conflicts and contradictions in your relationship. She wants to achieve her own independent will and oppose her parents, but at the same time, she wants to be recognized by her parents. This is precisely the characteristic of the development of children at this age.

I really think you should read a book called "Reconciliation with Adolescence." It's so helpful to learn about the psychological development characteristics of adolescents. It really helped me! You'll be able to find out where your daughter's problems lie and adjust your and your husband's responses accordingly.

2️⃣️ Try to be more empathetic!

There's a wonderful term in psychology called empathy. It simply means putting yourself in someone else's shoes to understand their thoughts and feelings.

I can see that you pay close attention to your eldest daughter, and I admire you for that! However, I think you might benefit from taking a moment to reflect on what's going on inside her. You can review what happened. Before your eldest daughter suddenly acted violently, what impact did your words have on her? What did you want to convey? How did your eldest daughter perceive the situation and understand your words?

Is your eldest daughter really understanding what you're trying to say? If not, what's getting in the way? What's going on in her mind that makes her kick her brother and you?

My eldest daughter is a wonderful girl with so much love to give. But, like many of us, she has her own unmet needs. She hopes that you can see her needs and understand her. Children will vent their aggressiveness through violent behavior because my eldest daughter has a lot of dissatisfaction inside that you and dad don't see.

It might be a good idea for the questioner to put themselves in the role of their eldest daughter and use role-playing to experience what their eldest daughter is thinking and feeling. This can help them to empathize with their daughter and understand what is really going on.

You might like to read and study the title of the book, "Empathy." It's so important to remember that for children, seeing is love. If they don't see what they need, it can cause harm.

3⃣️ Using non-violent communication in intimate relationships

I'm happy to tell you that nonviolent communication has been proven to be effective in intimate relationships! There are several steps to this process:

1. Just share what you've seen, without any judgment.

2. Share your thoughts and feelings, being careful not to accuse the other person.

3. Let's talk about what you really need, deep down.

4. Make your request to the other person with kindness and understanding.

For example, "I saw that you suddenly kicked your brother and me a few times with all your strength. I saw that you were very angry."

"I'm a little scared and worried about you, sweetheart. I don't know why you're so angry."

"I really hope my sweet girl is healthy and happy."

"I hope you can tell us if something is wrong, sweetie. Is that okay?"

The questioner can change the content of the expression according to their actual situation. We highly recommend that you learn and improve your communication skills with Dr. Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communication."

We all know that patience and violence don't solve problems. What does work is reasonable communication and effective companionship!

I really hope you can get rid of your troubles soon. If you need to chat some more, you can click below to find a coach to interpret, ask a question or chat with a HeartExplorer, and communicate with me one-on-one. Good luck!

Good day. I am Qu Huidong, a psychological counselor who employs visual imagery in my practice.

I am grateful for the opportunity to respond to your inquiry.

As a mother of two children, I am able to empathize with your experience as an older sibling, particularly in the context of a significant age gap between the two. In addition to the inherent challenges of managing the dynamics of two children, we must devote considerable time and energy to ensuring the physical and mental well-being of each child.

You have indicated that your eldest daughter is currently in the first year of junior high school, while your second child is a three-year-old boy. I am curious as to whether the observed changes in your daughter's emotions and personality began three years ago.

The older daughter has been an only child for approximately a decade, and the emergence of a rival in her life is met with considerable distress. This is particularly evident in instances where there is a significant age disparity.

It may be hoped that the instinct of blood ties will result in siblings being infinitely close. However, this is closely related to the attitude of their common caregiver.

The younger sibling is still at the age when they are the most loved, and adults are therefore unconsciously drawn to them.

As an older sister, she has entered puberty, which is a critical period for self-identification. Deep down, she desires to be perceived as an older child, exhibiting the capacity for independent and autonomous actions, while simultaneously longing to remain in the state of a baby, receiving unconditional love from her parents.

Despite adults' attempts to provide feedback, such as informing the child that they have enjoyed their parents' love exclusively for a significant period, the child is still required to accept the reality that such unique love is no longer available.

This is distinct from the experience of having to share parental affection when a younger sibling is born.

It is important to recognize that what was previously considered one's own will never be fully reclaimed. The sense of loss is akin to the removal of a vital organ.

It is commonly assumed that having a biological sibling is a source of joy and companionship throughout one's life. However, for a younger sister who is still in the process of developing her identity, this can be a significant loss.

Specifically, when she is required to dedicate the majority of her time and energy to her studies, she is unable to engage in more effective interactions with her younger brother, let alone establish a close relationship with him.

When she has complaints about her parents, she chooses to suppress and avoid them. However, she is still in the process of developing the capacity to manage her emotions, which manifests as anger directed at her younger brother, who is still at a relatively weak stage of development. In psychology, there is an effect called the "kick-the-cat effect," which depicts the typical contagion of bad emotions.

It is notable that the terms "unbearable" and "cautious" were employed at the conclusion of the inquiry.

The younger sibling was the source of the latest provocation, prompting the father to reach the limit of his tolerance and resort to physical violence. This was in response to a prolonged period of tolerating the younger child's bad temper, academic concerns, and apparent lack of emotional responsiveness.

It appears that the parents are also experiencing a negative emotional state, which is contributing to the pervasive negative mood within the family and manifesting in various ways.

Second-time parenting is inherently challenging, particularly for parents with a significant age gap between their children. It is not merely a matter of providing care and support. Given the limited familiarity with your family dynamics, we can only offer general guidance.

From the aforementioned analysis, one can discern the internal conflict and cyclical nature of negative emotions within the family unit.

In order to interrupt this cycle, it is first necessary to implement a temporary cessation of the process.

As an illustration, in the incident referenced in the initial query, you indicated that the eldest daughter strangled her younger brother with great intensity. At the time, she likely lacked an understanding of the gravity of the situation.

In the presence of both parents, it is recommended that each hold one of their children. This approach is not merely a matter of controlling the situation; it is also about providing a sense of calm and security to an agitated child in an adult's arms. This strategy can prevent the younger child from experiencing a recurrence of distress and can also offer the older child a sense of support and stability.

One might be forgiven for assuming that if the child has misbehaved, she should be punished. However, it is clear that violence should never be used as a means of countering violence.

The older sister was unable to learn how to love properly, which caused the younger brother to become even more frightened. As he grew older, this lack of love and affection may have contributed to his becoming irritable.

If the mother had been present at the time, her instinct would have been to protect the younger child first. The older sister would then have calmed down gradually, as she had no one to vent her anger at.

In either case, once everyone has calmed down, it would be beneficial to discuss and reflect on what just happened. However, it is crucial to remember that you are the parents of two children, not a judge deciding who is right and wrong, nor a lawyer defending only your own client. As a parent, it is natural to feel distress when one child hurts the other. It is essential to acknowledge these feelings and emotions. You love both of them, and you are worried about them both.

It is possible that, in addition to her current activities of lecturing and supervising her eldest daughter, her mother may benefit from demonstrating greater physical intimacy with her, such as holding her hand or giving her a hug. Initially, she may resist such displays of affection, but with persistence, this behavior will likely change. It is important to note that the bristly fur of a small animal is a manifestation of its fear and insecurity.

This can be addressed through the provision of unconditional love and support from her parents.

It would be advantageous for your daughter to receive psychological counseling if circumstances permit. Such counseling can assist her in confronting her internal conflicts. Moreover, as previously noted, if emotional and academic difficulties emerged concurrently three years ago, coinciding with the birth of her younger brother, addressing the underlying traumatic experience may prove more beneficial than mere test preparation.

I wish you the best of success!

Hello, I'm Jialan.

I'd like to share my views and suggestions based on your narrative in the hope that they'll be helpful to you!

I didn't get a chance to mention whether I spoke to my daughter before and after my son was born or made any preparations.

When a daughter in a family grows up in a one-child environment, forming fixed habits and parent-child relationships, and suddenly has a younger brother, she is also a sister for the first time. How can she become a sister? How can we inspire a sister's love for her brother?

How can we make sure that the older and younger siblings get along harmoniously? We need to deal with these issues.

You can learn some practical methods from "Positive Discipline." We used to think that parents in a two-child family had to be fair to both kids. But that's not necessarily the case. Parents should give the eldest child some authority rather than tasks, and give the eldest child a sense of superiority rather than neglect. If the second child is going to have a good life, the eldest child should be brought up well, so that the behavior of the eldest and second child brings them their own sense of intimacy, liberating the hands of the parents while also better cultivating the eldest and second child.

Secondly, your daughter's emotions, whether they come from school or life, need to be dealt with immediately, as you mentioned. Otherwise, she might lash out at something or someone weaker than her. At this time, your younger son is another target for bullying, so she vents her emotions on him.

When the daughter is emotional, it's important for the father or mother to accept, affirm, share, and guide her through the four steps of emotion management as soon as possible. This helps her understand her emotions in a positive way and learn how to deal with them when she's emotional in the future, especially when dealing with her brother.

Once we've resolved the previous issues, we can discuss some ground rules, like not kicking people, expressing emotions in words, and then reminding and practicing with each other. We won't need to worry about carefully protecting the emotions of the older sister or fearfully protecting the body of the younger brother. The family can get along, talk about things when there's something to talk about, and enjoy each other's company when there's nothing to do.

Wishing you a happy new year, happiness, and good health!