The ways I use most often are yelling and belittling. Emotional pain resolution?

Hello,

I want to praise you for seeing how your mother's behavior has affected you.

Your wife's shouting and put-downs hurt you and affect your relationships with women.

Normal interactions?

I don't know what your relationship with your mother was like when you were young or with your wife now. I also don't know how you communicate with others.

How communication works and makes predictions. When you interact with the opposite sex, you react too much.

This stops you from being able to feel empathy and makes you cut off from them.

Klein's theory of object relations says that when a person spends time with their mother in the early stages of life, they must establish a secure attachment to do well in life.

Attachment relationships help us trust society as adults and understand others.

If your mother is not emotionally stable, you will not have a secure attachment.

Pattern.

Kohut says that if a baby doesn't form a good enough sense of self, it can be hard for them as an adult.

If your mother had strong mood swings and was unable to empathize with you, it is difficult to empathize with others.

It's natural that you don't understand or empathize with others. You can't form close relationships.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Also, changing counselors and confidants shows that

You're always looking for an ideal mother, even if your therapist is good.

They may not be able to satisfy your needs because you are looking for the perfect mother inside.

Psychoanalytic theory says

A narcissistic client will change therapists often.

It's a kind of "empathy," but negative. He projects his early love-hate relationship with his mother onto the counselor.

If they can't deliver, end the counseling.

To satisfy your own narcissism.

Regarding your question about finding a book or two to help you understand yourself and grow, I would like to share my views.

These books are based on consultants' own experiences.

Some professional psychological techniques seem difficult to understand.

Reading books to improve yourself is limited.

You're right, you can't rely on the counselor. If I had to give you advice,

Consider books on self-psychology.

"The Healing Power of Psychoanalysis" and "Reconstruction of the Self."

You can also learn more about Lacan's books.

Knowing yourself is helpful.

I'm counselor Yao. I'll support and care for you!

Hello!

From what you've told me, it seems like your mother wasn't always the most gentle or tolerant when you were growing up. It's understandable that you feel like you often end up in a position where you're belittled or attacked in your relationship with your wife. It's clear that you've been trying to grow and improve, and I can see how difficult it is for you. I can also really relate to the pain, disappointment, and confusion you're feeling. I'm here for you, and I'm sending you lots of hugs!

It's totally normal to feel disappointed with your counselor. After all, psychological counseling is a process of helping people help themselves. Your counselor is there to help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself and see the subconscious dynamics behind your problems. This way, you can make your own choices and adjustments.

If you think, "I'll find a counselor, hand everything over to them, and let them solve my problems," it's going to be tough to make changes on your own.

So you finally realized very wisely that you cannot put all your eggs in the counselor's basket. This is a great realization! The root of change lies in yourself, in your own motivation and willingness to change. With this motivation and willingness, you will focus on yourself, rather than asking the counselor to solve the "top-level difficult" problems. You will also not have high expectations of the counselor, which is a good thing!

It's totally normal to feel like self-transformation is a long process and not an easy task. It's so important to understand yourself, but don't forget that professional help can also play a big role.

We really hope you can choose a counselor who's a better match for you. With the help of a counselor, you can continue to grow and learn and thrive! At the same time, it's important to remember that you don't need to be dependent on the counselor. You can take the initiative, work with the counselor, and get better help. Give feedback on how you're feeling, share your feelings with the counselor, and discuss them. You'll get better help that way!

I just wanted to remind you that you said you can't work or rest normally. If your emotional problems persist for a long time without improvement and have a relatively serious impact on your life and work, it might be a good idea to go to a psychiatrist for an examination and diagnosis, and if necessary, take medication. It may be more effective to have psychological counseling after your emotions are under control.

We're here to help! We've identified a few key areas that we think could be useful for you to focus on.

It's time to build an independent and stable self! Let's get rid of the influence of past emotions and misconceptions on yourself and re-understand yourself.

It might be helpful to adjust some irrational beliefs and thinking patterns that are unreasonable.

It's so important to learn to manage your emotions, not let them get the better of you, and to express and communicate in a way that builds more harmonious relationships with others.

I'd love to suggest three books that I think you'll find really helpful: "The Nature of Self," "Why Are My Emotions Always Controlled by Others?" and "Growing in Relationships." I hope you enjoy them! Just a heads-up, though: the above are just some personal opinions for reference only.

I really hope Hongyu's reply helps you! Thank you so much for asking!

Greetings. I extend to you a 360-degree embrace.

In response to your inquiry, three key terms emerged: pattern, system, and solution.

Let us proceed by discussing each element individually, beginning with the pattern.

In your initial query, you indicated that your formative years were spent in the company of your mother, and that following your marriage, you spent time with your wife. You further stated that the most common treatment you received was verbal abuse and belittling. This suggests that your patterns of behaviour may have been influenced by these experiences.

The manner in which individuals interact with others is typically established during their formative years. For instance, many individuals have had parents instruct them to complete their homework, yet they would not comply after being told only once or twice. It was not until their mother began shouting their names that they realized they were genuinely upset and that if they still did not complete their homework, they might be subjected to physical punishment. Over time, this pattern was established between the parents and the child, and the child would not complete their homework if their parents did not demonstrate their displeasure.

If the child fails to complete his homework, the parents must demonstrate that they are displeased. It is evident that everyone is striving to maintain this pattern of harmonious coexistence.

To illustrate, numerous children exhibit reluctance to rise in the morning when attending school. Despite their mother's persistent calls, they remain in bed. It is only when they are on the verge of being late that their mother must intervene and lift the quilt. At this juncture, the child realizes that remaining in bed is not an option, and thus, he rises. The child is highly adept at navigating this situation. After all, his mother will never allow him to be late. When he is on the verge of being late, his mother will come and lift the quilt.

If the mother lifts the quilt, the child will undoubtedly rise and avoid being late. This pattern has also been established.

The subject did not provide detailed descriptions of the specific instances of yelling and belittling behavior from their mother and wife. Consequently, it is challenging to ascertain the root cause of the issue.

From a psychological perspective, it is probable that you have replicated the pattern you observed with your mother in your relationship with your wife. Consequently, your wife has become a reflection of your mother. You and your mother may claim that you had no alternative, but in the case of your wife, you had the option to act otherwise.

If one can make it to marriage, it is likely that, prior to marriage, one's spouse will exhibit behaviors that are distinct from those of one's mother. Otherwise, these differences would likely have been identified at an earlier stage, potentially impeding the decision to enter into marriage.

However, upon entering into matrimony, you found yourself thrust into the mundane routine of a married couple. In the absence of the emotional filter that accompanies romantic love, your preexisting behavioral patterns reasserted themselves.

This is not a reflection of personal inadequacy; rather, it is a consequence of a lack of exposure to alternative communication styles during childhood. Additionally, post-marital dynamics often result in women assuming a more dominant and controlling role in their relationships.

This may evoke the traumatic experiences you had with your mother, leading you to replicate the same communication style with your wife. When individuals are seeking a partner, they often subconsciously seek someone who resembles their parents.

You indicate that your mother engages in verbal altercations with you. However, I posit that such behavior is not the sole defining characteristic of her interactions with you. There are instances of warmth and affection as well.

In essence, neither you nor your mother and wife are at fault in your respective interactions. It is possible that you simply lack the requisite knowledge to foster harmonious relationships with them.

I recommend two books: How Others Treat You Is What You Teach Them by Huang Qituan and Zeng Qifeng's Psychology Class.

We will now proceed to discuss the system.

In your inquiry, you have articulated emotional distress pertaining to your familial relationships. Despite your earnest efforts to effect change, including seeking the counsel of a listener, counselor, and answerer, it appears that these individuals have not provided the assistance you sought. Your feelings can be distilled into two words: disappointment.

Seeking external assistance is a consequence of disappointment, which will likely exacerbate the discord with one's family. This conflict motivates the continued pursuit of external support. It is a cyclical process: the individual, their family, external counselors, and so forth, are all engaged in a collective effort to sustain the current state of affairs. The mind is in a state of disarray, and the individual is unable to resume a normal routine, work, or a tranquil existence.

It is now proposed that you adopt a position outside the circle and consider the possibility of destroying it to the extent that it can no longer continue. The solution you arrive at is to continue seeking assistance from the answerer. For the time being, you choose to seek help from answerers at level 4 or above. At the same time, you are aware that you cannot rely solely on external consultants and that you still require the opportunity to learn independently.

Although the methodology remains consistent with previous iterations, there are notable differences. The potential for disrupting the cycle remains uncertain.

The decision remains at your discretion.

It is evident that you are amenable to change and are actively seeking a means to effect it. I am persuaded that a transformation will occur. As you embark upon this process, the system will gradually begin to unwind.

It is recommended that the reader peruse the book Why Families Get Sick, authored by Chen Development and encompassing the subject of systemic family therapy. The text presents a multitude of illustrative cases, facilitating an examination of the individuals and circumstances within a systemic framework.

In conclusion, a third solution is available.

You have indicated that these emotional distresses engender feelings of chaos, preventing you from maintaining a normal routine, functioning at work, or experiencing a peaceful existence.

It would be beneficial to consider the advantages that this emotional distress and confusion have brought about. It is possible that the individual may claim that there are no advantages and that the situation has caused significant distress.

Let us consider the opposite scenario. If there were no pain or confusion, what would your life be like?

In the field of psychological counseling, there is a concept known as "genius solutions," which refers to the idea that certain symptoms may serve a purpose beyond their immediate distress.

In the case of illness, for instance, expectations of the afflicted are often lowered. This may entail a relaxation of obligations such as attendance at academic or professional engagements.

In more serious cases, it may be helpful to seek the support of others in this process. There have been instances where individuals have feigned muteness for decades to avoid communication with their partners.

One cannot engage in argumentation with an individual who is mute. It is an uninteresting and unproductive activity to argue with a single person.

Over time, the act of arguing will cease to be a factor in the relationship, and the remaining dynamic will be one of mutual recrimination and discontent. However, the mute individual will remain indifferent to these complaints.

This method provides a solution to the problem of contention.

For you, the situation is one of emotional distress, emotional turmoil, inability to work and live a normal life, and potential inability to succeed and earn a substantial income. One alternative is to simply lie down. While this may be a challenging way of life,

Furthermore, it can assist in resolving other issues, such as avoidance and ability. The potential benefits of this challenging state depend on one's perspective.

I frequently experience a state of duality, oscillating between Buddhist and depressive ideations. At times, I am driven by a sense of motivation, akin to that of a counselor, and a profound love for the world.

Good day, My name is Jiang 61.

Firstly, I would like to thank you for allowing us to assist you in exploring potential solutions to your issues. Having read your description and understood your current situation, my main objective is to facilitate the receipt of love and care from your loved ones, while also eliminating the phenomenon of transference.

Best regards,

1. You

1. Personality

You spent your childhood with your mother and then long periods of time with your wife after marriage. The two most important women in your life employed yelling and belittling as their most common methods with you.

Your mother and wife frequently engage in verbal abuse and belittlement, and the two of them are essentially identical in their approach. You are interacting with your closest relatives, and you are unable to express your frustration with them. As a result, you often suppress your feelings of discontent, which causes you significant emotional distress.

It is important to note that your primary objective is to be treated as a close family member and to be treated kindly by your loved ones. From an observational standpoint, you can be described as a cautious, harmonious, gentle, stable, slow-paced, easy-going, meticulous, contented, forgiving, unexpressive, calm, and pleasing personality.

2. Family

The individual in question has two primary relationships: mother and wife.

As previously stated, you have described the manner in which you interact with your mother and wife, which often involves yelling and belittling. Given the apparent repression within your domestic situation, it is plausible that your mother and wife's actions may be influencing your personality.

The use of shouting and disparagement indicates a lack of patience and disdain for your actions and speech. This is somewhat contradictory to their personality. Although you do not say anything, you feel that you are not being treated with the minimum respect and care.

As a result, you are experiencing a range of negative emotions and challenges.

It is evident that there is an inner child and a projection at play.

I am unaware of the environment in which you grew up or the nature of your childhood. It is possible that you were raised in a household where your mother expressed anger and dissatisfaction through yelling and demeaning others. This could have resulted in a sense of being looked down upon and belittled by your mother, particularly through sarcastic remarks. This experience may have left a lasting impact on you.

Your tolerance, your attempts to please, and your mother's strong, outward-showing personality contrast sharply. It is evident that your desire to be loved, understood, and paid attention to has consistently been suppressed, manifesting as an obsessive tendency that persists within you. This has shaped your inner child, which never matures, accompanying you throughout your growth and influencing your subsequent actions.

I believe there may be some similarities between your wife and your mother, particularly in terms of expressing anger and dissatisfaction through yelling and demeaning others. It seems that you also desire her love but are unable to obtain it, which may be indicative of an inner child-like need for attention.

3. Demands

During this Q&A session, you indicated that you are seeking recommendations for one or two books to study and that you hope to walk on two legs to improve yourself through learning. Given your current role in consulting, you have reservations about the potential of consulting to improve your current state.

Your objective is to locate the inner child, facilitate its maturation, establish a peaceful coexistence, and eliminate transference, thereby enabling a normal life.

Secondly, we must address the dilemma.

As a result of your inability to express your emotions in a normal manner, both in the past and the present, you have decided to seek advice from a consultant. However, you have encountered some difficulties in this process.

1. Empathy

This has caused me significant emotional distress and triggered a number of emotional responses. It has proven impossible to maintain harmonious relations with the opposite sex when they are friendly and treat me as an equal. The shortest period of empathy is only three seconds.

Previously, I assumed that your emotional trauma and emotional buttons were caused by the depression and anger that had accumulated inside you, which finally erupted when triggered by an external factor. However, this does not align with your observation that you have difficulty maintaining peaceful interactions with the opposite sex, even when they treat you well and see you as a human being. It does, however, align with my previous mention of the desire for family members to be gentle with you.

Therefore, as long as others are kind to you, you will frequently experience empathy. I also understand the two points you mentioned later when consulting: moral condemnation of the self, and expectations of the consultant and the hope for more love.

You are correct in your assessment. This is the emotional trauma left by your childhood, namely the unattainable love you crave and the inner child that never matures, which instilled the emotional trigger in you. When you encounter the love you desire being demonstrated in front of you, it immediately activates your emerging capacity for love and empathy.

2. Dilemma

I began seeking out listeners, counselors, and answerers to assist with this issue. The process of seeking help from listeners is often chaotic due to frequent empathy. This kind of chaos should have two meanings:

This results in moral condemnation of oneself and further expectations of the listener.

You desire a more beautiful and loving experience.

The consultation was unsuccessful due to the attitude of the listener and the counselor towards you. This, combined with past disappointments and changes in realistic expectations, made it difficult for you to continue exploring the emotional issues along the lines of the consultation. You often felt emotional when you saw a familiar scene, your mind was very chaotic, projection occurred, and positive empathy appeared, which made it impossible for the consultation to continue.

I have consulted with three relatively senior counselors, and I am left with two words to describe my experience: disappointment. Despite my efforts to clearly articulate my problem, they were unable to identify the root cause. Instead, they engaged in lengthy discussions, offering ideas but failing to address the core issue.

Asking a question can often prove to be a significant challenge in this industry, and many individuals find themselves unable to resolve it.

You expressed disappointment after consulting with three senior counselors. You felt they lacked understanding of your problem, were reluctant to acknowledge their own professional shortcomings, and used concepts to circumvent substantive issues, focusing on the trivial.

You feel that they are not particularly professional or perceptive when asking questions, but they believe they are clever and believe they can achieve a high level of difficulty by asking just about any question. You have developed a negative feeling towards them, and there is a phenomenon of negative transference.

As a result, there is a sense of resistance, and the consultation is challenging to continue.

3. Impact

Due to the confusion, it is not possible to maintain a normal routine, work effectively, or live a peaceful life.

Your experiences of positive and negative empathy during the counseling sessions have led to feelings of confusion, and you have been experiencing persistent thoughts, which have made it challenging for you to concentrate, affecting your normal routine and work, and disrupting your peaceful life. It is evident that counseling has caused you to feel anxious and uneasy.

3. Eliminate

1. Self-help

I believe it is important to recognize that we should not rely solely on the guidance of a counselor. It is also essential to promote independent learning in order to achieve enlightenment and facilitate change in our thinking.

You have identified the value of learning and growth as a path to success, a direction you have already explored with positive outcomes. Your assessment is correct: a skilled counselor serves as a guide, assisting in identifying challenges but not providing prescriptive solutions. Instead, the counselor's role is to facilitate self-improvement and personal growth.

2. Identify and acknowledge empathy.

It is not uncommon for empathy to arise during the counseling process. Empathy can be attributed to unfinished emotional attachments within an individual.

The relationship with your parents' expectations from your childhood is reflected in your current reality. For instance, you may have previously desired your wife's love, which is a continuation of your childhood longing. Similarly, when you seek counsel, you may expect the consultant to provide more attention, which is also a replication of past interactions with the consultant.

There is no need to be concerned, but rather to understand empathy correctly.

Once you have a grasp on the concept of empathy, you can begin to identify the underlying reasons for it. This involves understanding your genuine feelings when you empathize, your expectations at the time, and whether these expectations are realistic. You can then interpret these feelings through a counselor or on your own, and accept those that are unreasonable.

I suggest you read the book Empathic Psychology.

3. Expressions of Love

Your desire for love is often unmet within the family unit. Family members may not fully comprehend your feelings and needs. By establishing methods of expressing love within the family, you can reduce emotional distress and enhance intimacy.

Expressions of love are also referred to as the five languages of love.

It is important to recognize that everyone has a unique understanding of love and that the ways in which they express and receive love may differ. Dr. Gary Chapman has developed a framework that categorizes the ways in which people express and receive love into five distinct "languages of love": "affirming words," "quality time," "exchange of gifts," "acts of service," and "physical touch."

Kind and encouraging words are an essential component of any successful business relationship.

Regardless of the relationship, whether it be between friends, colleagues, partners, or married couples, positive reinforcement is essential for fostering a strong bond. Providing more constructive feedback can significantly enhance the quality of the relationship.

Special moments

Special moments are defined as wonderful times and memories that are shared together, such as a candlelit dinner or a meaningful activity.

Accepting gifts

The exchange of gifts on significant occasions is a ritual that can strengthen the relationship between two parties. The ritual itself and the gift itself can serve as a bonding agent.

Service Actions

In essence, it entails fulfilling the other person's requests and ensuring their happiness through the services one provides. These actions often entail minor tasks in day-to-day life.

It is recommended that physical contact be made.

Physical contact, such as holding hands or hugging, can enhance emotional connection and serve as a form of non-verbal communication.

It is important to recognize the value of expressing love and affection in a relationship. Many families have transformed from a chaotic environment to a harmonious one through the practice of love and appreciation.

It is important to recognize the value of expressing love and appreciation in a family setting. Many families have transformed from a chaotic environment to a harmonious one through the establishment of a culture of love, consideration, and laughter.

I also recommend reading "The Five Love Languages" as a second resource.

4. About Counseling

There are numerous approaches to counseling, with varying methods used to address different issues. Your empathy has already indicated that your relationship with your parents during your upbringing was not optimal and requires restoration and enhancement.

Individual counseling may not be the most effective approach for addressing the legacy of childhood trauma. Family therapy could be a more suitable alternative.

When family members are involved in counseling, they are better able to understand the client's situation and interact with them in a way that is beneficial to the therapeutic process. By creating a supportive and loving atmosphere, family members can help the client to move forward and change their state of mind.

Topic Master, I sincerely hope that you can move past the emotional challenges you are currently facing and allow yourself to embrace a more positive outlook.

I wish you the best in your future endeavors.

Dear host, I hope my answer can be of some help to you.

I agree with the original poster that you should consider ways to help yourself grow. One option is consulting, and another is self-directed learning and growth. These can be pursued simultaneously. I empathize with the original poster's inner turmoil and am excited for the possibility of change, growth, and a reduction in pain.

Although you have been looking for a counselor and a listener, you may still feel confused. You say that this confusion of yours should include two meanings: moral condemnation of yourself and further expectations of the listener, as well as the hope for more beauty and love.

I just wanted to mention that change doesn't happen overnight. It often takes time and a process to make significant shifts in our lives. I also believe that during this period when you sought help, you actually grew and gained valuable insights, even if it didn't meet your ideal expectations.

It might be helpful to consider that if you don't seek counseling or a listening partner, the situation may not necessarily improve. Counseling is also a process. In the early stages, the counselor will focus on understanding your specific experiences and situation and on listening. Only in the later stages will they use techniques to intervene and adjust your psychology. For counseling to be truly effective, it depends on whether we ultimately realize the parts of ourselves that need to be adjusted. As you said, being able to enlighten and change our minds is the most important thing. The counselor is only in a relationship to help us reveal our interaction patterns, our limiting beliefs, and so on. But ultimately, to change, it is definitely going to be accompanied by pain, because breaking out of your comfort zone and changing your original patterns will bring discomfort and pain. These are also the obstacles in our growth process.

If I might offer a suggestion, it would be:

1. Consider learning and practicing self-acceptance.

I'm not sure if you've had the chance to discuss your feelings of moral condemnation with your therapist. It might be helpful to talk about the reasons behind your situation, explore your deeper inner needs, and gain a better understanding of yourself.

From your description, I can sense that the part of you that feels self-condemnation is an important part that may benefit from some attention. It's understandable to feel this way, as many people are influenced by early experiences and may find themselves feeling this way at times. Your inclination towards moral condemnation suggests that your superego is relatively strong and may require some adjustment.

I believe that learning and practicing self-acceptance is a beneficial approach to consider. I suggest exploring the books "Rebuilding Your Life" and "Accepting Your Imperfect Self." They offer a variety of exercises for self-acceptance and self-identification. Additionally, I have written an article on self-acceptance that you might find interesting. It introduces some methods of self-acceptance.

When you can regularly practice self-acceptance, your inner world will become more peaceful and stable. You may find that you can transform the negative thinking mode of self-condemnation into the positive thinking mode of self-acceptance and self-acceptance.

2. By accepting yourself and each other, you can foster more constructive communication and contribute to the growth of your relationship.

You mentioned that your childhood with your mother and your long-term marriage with your wife were similar, and that the two most important women in your life used yelling and belittling as their most common methods with you. This has caused emotional pain and emotional distress for you.

It can make it challenging to get along peacefully with the opposite sex, who are friendly and treat you like a human being. It seems that the shortest empathy record is only three seconds.

First, it would be helpful to understand why we are like this, as it is influenced by childhood attachment. The way you get along with your mother makes people similar to your mother have a strong attraction to you. Therefore, in order to repeat the attachment pattern of your childhood, you chose a wife with a personality similar to your mother's, which may have contributed to the continuation of this pattern of yelling and belittling you.

I wonder if perhaps your mother has remained the same over the years, and if your father has found ways to cope with her behaviour.

I wonder if I might ask whether they are still getting along, and perhaps also why your mother treats you in this way.

It might be helpful to consider that her behavior is not limited to you. It seems to be a pattern that she shares with everyone. It's possible that she benefits from it in some way, for example, by getting your attention. This might be something she's not aware of, but it's something you can gently point out to her. It's also something she can learn and grow into. Effective communication is one way you can influence her.

If they start to belittle you and yell, you might consider leaving first. You could tell yourself that their pattern has started again, that they are in the middle of an emotional outburst, and that it might be best to wait until they calm down before discussing things further. Then, when the mood is better, you can express your feelings and needs. For example, you could say to your wife, "The other day, you were very mean to me, saying that I... I really felt very uncomfortable, very sad, and very hurt. I really need your encouragement and support, your affirmation and recognition, and your care and love. In the future, if it really is me that has upset you in some way, could we try to avoid yelling at each other and belittling each other?

"Could you please let me know what I can do for you and how I can help?"

You might also consider inviting her to express her feelings and needs, as well as her requests to you. If you can communicate in this way every time you have a conflict or a disagreement, it may help you to understand each other better. Over time, your interaction patterns may change, and you may become people who support and recognize each other.

I would like to suggest that you might find it helpful to look into "Nonviolent Communication" and "Crucial Conversations." These could assist you in communicating and interacting better in relationships, which might in turn lead to the benefits of stronger relationships.

3. Consider learning to care for yourself and embrace the beauty in life.

I wonder if you might be aware of this famous quote by Zhang Defen: "Dear, there is no one else in this world but yourself."

In other words, if we can change our thoughts and our inner state, we can change our world. This is because in psychology there is a projection effect, which suggests that we may have a tendency to attribute our own characteristics to other people. We may project our own feelings, will, and characteristics onto other people. For example, when you don't like yourself, you may think that other people don't like you either.

It is understandable that we may have high expectations of others, particularly when we are seeking recognition, support, and love. However, it is important to recognize that these things are not always guaranteed from the outside world. External recognition, support, and love are all inherently unstable, and it is not realistic to expect them to be constant. When we seek these things from others, it can lead to disappointment and frustration if we do not recognize that we still lack these things within ourselves.

It may be helpful to consider that the best approach is to look within, learn to recognize and support yourself, and learn to care for and love yourself. When you recognize and support yourself enough, and love yourself enough, your inner self will become very full. At that time, external recognition and support may be a welcome addition. If you don't have it, you may find that you experience less pain, because you are inherently complete.

How might one care for oneself?

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to a few simple techniques for caring for yourself through language.

If I might suggest two simple steps, the first would be to stop judging yourself and the second would be to soothe yourself with words. You could say to yourself, for example, "I love myself and accept myself as I am," while hugging yourself.

I hope you feel better.

Another important aspect of self-care is the universality of human nature.

Perhaps it would be helpful to remember that nobody is perfect, and that includes us. We all have our own imperfections, and that's something we can all relate to.

You may find that you feel more connected and less lonely, and that you are able to embrace your special qualities. The English novelist Jerome once wrote that it is through our faults and mistakes that we touch each other and find resonance.

Given that nobody is perfect, we can offer each other warmth and support, which can help us feel a sense of belonging and security.

I would like to suggest the book The Power of Self-Care, which I feel may be helpful in providing practical knowledge to assist you in learning how to care for yourself.

I do believe that your problem is not just your problem, but the problem of most of us. I was once in a similar situation, where I was trapped in a situation where my mother and my husband were like that, yelling and belittling me. But when I was able to accept myself, I was able to upgrade my communication with them, and I continued to grow and improve myself. After that, they may still be themselves, but I am different. I feel more fulfilled, relaxed, and at ease.

I truly believe that you can do it too.

I wish you the best of luck!

Hello, question asker!

"How can I get along peacefully with the opposite sex who is friendly to me and treats me as a human being?" It seems that this problem has not been solved by seeking help from listening therapists, consultants, and answerers. Let's sort it out together, my friend!

I think it's really helpful to keep the following points in mind when you're looking for psychological counseling:

First things first! What is your goal? That is, what specific problem do you need the counselor to help you solve? This problem should be specific and singular.

2. You have complete trust in your counselor, and you know that the counseling will be very effective.

3. Time. I've spent more than 20 years getting to know people, and it takes time to change old patterns all of a sudden.

Fourth, working with the counselor: after each consultation, the counselor will leave some questions and homework for you to complete, which you'll need to do in order to get the most out of your sessions.

I've had the chance to work with three consultants who were quite experienced, and I have to say, I was left with a bit of a disappointing feeling. They were really good at talking around the issue and dragging their feet, and I felt like they were reluctant to say that they couldn't solve my problem.

It can be so hard to know what to ask for, right? It feels like just asking a question can reach the "top difficulty" level in the industry, and most people are unable to solve it.

It seems like you might have some reservations about the counselor, which is totally normal! We all have different experiences with therapists, and it's natural to have some hesitations. It's also good to remember that we seek counseling to gain insight and support, not to argue with our therapist about what's right or wrong.

Your counselor is there to listen and help you without judging you or telling you what to do. There is no right or wrong, and you don't have to be afraid to share your thoughts and feelings.

If you can let go of resistance, you'll probably get a better counseling effect.

"The process of seeking help from a therapist can be pretty confusing because of the frequent transference of emotions. This confusion should have two meanings:

"Self-condemnation, further expectations of the listener, and the hope for more beauty and care."

The questioner brought up "empathy," which is the hope that the counselor will treat you as you expect. During the counseling process, the counselor will show lots of empathy. Empathy means accepting your emotions and feelings and making you feel understood.

However, we can't always treat you exactly as you wish, and it's not always easy to help you solve practical problems in life, such as getting more love and affection (this has to be done in real life, and only your family and friends can do it). So, it's understandable if you feel disappointed.

I really don't think it's caused by empathy. If it is, there's absolutely no need to condemn yourself.

Don't worry, this is totally normal in psychological counseling. A good, experienced counselor will know how to handle this.

When you can talk openly and honestly about your confusion in the counseling room and reflect on your conversation with the counselor, I truly believe you've entered a state of counseling.

I'd love to share my thoughts on the question that was originally posted.

It's totally normal to get along with your mom and wife in the same way! It might not be something you're totally comfortable with, but it's a pattern you've grown up with. And that familiarity can give you a sense of security. When we get along with our family members, it often carries over into our close relationships. So, it's no surprise that you've chosen a wife who treats you the same way as your mom.

Similarly, this is also why it can be tricky to get along with people who are kind to you. It's because this pattern is unfamiliar to you, and you don't know how to respond. It can make you feel insecure, so you instinctively choose to escape.

To change this pattern, we just need to change our thinking. Instead of thinking "I am bad, I don't deserve it," we can start thinking "I am good, I deserve to be loved."

With this attitude, you can get along with people who are friendly to you, relax, and when you can't help but enter an uncomfortable experience again, give yourself positive mental suggestions, telling yourself, "You've got this! You can do it," and you will gradually get used to it.

My mom and wife often react to me by yelling and putting me down. This makes us feel bad and like we don't deserve to be treated well. When we think we're bad, we often feel inferior.

Your mom and wife's emotions can also rub off on you, making you feel a little confused and easily angered (which might be the pattern that triggers your pain and emotional buttons).

And now for something really important! We're going to talk about how you can take control of your emotions.

How can we be sure that our emotions aren't affected by others? Well, it's important to have a reasonable understanding of emotions. It's totally normal for a person to have emotions!

When you're feeling sad, it's okay to cry. When you're happy, it's okay to laugh. When you have emotions, it's okay to accept them. There's no such thing as good or bad emotions.

It's so important to accept our emotions, and to let them flow reasonably. Or, if we need to, to find a good outlet for them. This helps us to avoid acting on impulse in ways that harm ourselves and others.

When you notice that you are feeling an emotion, you can take a deep breath and leave the scene that caused the emotion for a moment. Then, you can calm yourself down and talk about the relevant issues when you feel better.

It's totally normal to feel a certain way about things. We all do! But, most of the time, it's because we're looking at things from a slightly different angle. It's okay to do that. In fact, it's a great way to feel better. So, if you're feeling frustrated, try looking at the situation from a different perspective. You might be surprised at how much better you feel!

I really hope this helps! I just wanted to share what I could think of.

Wishing you all the best!

My mother's disparaging education

I have been experiencing the same thing since childhood as the original poster.

This had a seriously negative impact on my self-esteem.

I was lucky enough to inherit my father's positive and cheerful personality.

I didn't live a difficult life.

I have been fighting with my mother since I was a child, and it has made me strong on the outside but weak on the inside.

I had to be strong because I wasn't recognized or protected.

I am strong.

I had no energy left to nourish the growth of my soul.

I had no energy left to nourish the growth of my soul.

Later, a series of coincidences made it clear to me that

I am suffering because I found it so hard to get my mother's approval.

I don't need what others can get easily after all the hard work I've done.

It has become a scarce resource. Because it is scarce, the desire is even greater.

The questioner, like me, has a desire for this scarce resource.

This is reflected in your other half as an adult.

I'm sure you've considered the possibility that the reason you chose your current wife

They are a kind of resistance or challenge. They have the same qualities.

You didn't get it as a child, and you want to conquer it again as an adult.

It is, in fact, a state of seriousness with oneself. The imaginary enemy makes you too nervous.

Your subconscious mind is calling for you to fight yourself!

You hold on to it too tightly.

Your attitude towards the counselors makes it clear that

This longing has consumed you.

This leads to you becoming doubly critical of everyone close to you, and the vicious cycle continues.

You will never get what you want because you don't really want anything.

Let me be clear: fleeting empathic experiences cannot fill your void because they are not scarce.

Your heart is empty.

It is, in fact, a desire that has been amplified since childhood because you were unable to obtain it.

It's not because you don't have it.

You are still in the cycle of rebirth.

Hello, friend! I'm Destruction and Regeneration, the Yi Psychology answerer. I'm honored to connect with you on the Yi Psychology platform. I hope my words bring you sunshine and warm your heart.

After reading your question, I can see that there's a lot of information here. Let me take a look at it and give you my thoughts.

I've spent a lot of time with my mother and my wife, and it's been pretty similar. The two women I've spent the most time with have always yelled at me and belittled me.

Your question made me think of a term Freud often mentioned: compulsive repetition. It seems that during your growth process, your subconscious mind has unknowingly adapted to the intimate relationship model of your mother's "yelling and belittling" of you. This has led to a replication of that relationship model between you and your mother in your marital relationship.

Furthermore, given that you say you can't get along with the opposite sex when they're friendly and treat you as a person, and that your shortest experience of empathy was only three seconds, it seems you've also replicated the unequal male-female relationship model from your original family in your daily relationships.

However, you were brave enough to seek help from a counselor, which shows you still have a sense of self-rescue. But, based on your feedback, these counselors and listeners haven't been very effective and haven't met your expectations!

I don't know the situation of those counselors and listeners you mentioned, nor the specifics of the counseling process. It's difficult for me to assess the professional level of these counselors or listeners.

If they're well-trained counselors, they should know what they're doing. But they often make the mistake of viewing your problems from their own perspective and not enough from an empathetic standpoint. This is something many counselors and psychologists do.

You also said, "You can't put all your eggs in the counselor's basket." That's right! Even if a counselor is great, they can't solve your problems for you.

The issue is that you're the one who needs to find a solution. A counselor can't do it for you. At best, they can provide some ideas and guidance to help you solve the problem on your own.

For your problem, it might help to be more aware. Has your mother or wife only ever yelled at you and put you down over the years? Were there ever times of love and encouragement?

Even if it's just a little, would you be willing to try to find out?

I think your mother and wife's yelling and put-downs are their way of showing love. They probably love you, but they just don't know how to express it, which has caused harm. Can you try to be aware of their love for you behind their yelling and put-downs?

One way to handle unequal relationships is to keep them within the family and prevent them from affecting other areas of your life.

Then, try to get along with a person of the opposite sex who treats you as an equal in your daily life!

It goes without saying that it takes time to build up a problem and time to solve it. The formation of your problem was a long-term process.

It'll take a little time to find a solution. Be patient!

Your problem is about intimacy, so have you tried group psychotherapy? It's about listening to other people's stories, thinking about your own life, and growing together in wisdom. In a group, there are often all kinds of people with different problems, but the deep-seated causes of many problems are often similar. By listening to other people's stories and problem-solving methods, you may also get inspired and learn how to solve your own problems!

Furthermore, brainstorming in a group is a great way to expand your thinking and horizons. Additionally, interacting with others in a group can also improve your communication and interpersonal skills. Before you know it, your family relationship problems will be "solved"!

I suggest you look for an offline institution offering group psychological counseling. My psychologist is particularly skilled in treating intimate relationship issues like yours. If your budget allows, I can put you in touch with him.

Ultimately, it's up to you. Best of luck!

Hello.

The questioner is facing two problems.

One is about how to solve emotional problems, and the other is about why therapists can't solve problems.

Listening therapists and counselors don't give solutions. They guide people to see their own feelings.

The questioner wants to solve their emotional problem, but a counselor can't tell them what to do.

The poor want money, but the God of Wealth gives them the method of making money.

This is an irreconcilable conflict.

We can't choose our parents, but we can choose our partners.

The questioner says that people yell and belittle them.

This sentence shows there's a problem with how they get along, but I can't see where.

I suggest the questioner and his wife role-play. The questioner plays the wife and his wife plays the questioner.

During role-play, you can experience and record your usual actions.

Then you can talk about it and adjust habits.

If you know what the problem is, you can find a solution.

That's my answer. I hope it helps.

"Asking a question can reach the 'top difficulty' level in the industry, and most people are unable to solve it." I concur with the original poster.

It is important to remember that what works for others may not necessarily work for you, and vice versa. Similarly, what is not a significant issue for others may become a challenging problem for you.

It is important to recognize that people have different needs and preferences.

A review of the text indicates that the questioner's primary objective is not to resolve the emotional distress caused by his wife but to address the confusion he experiences in seeking assistance. This confusion hinders his ability to maintain a normal routine, work effectively, and lead a peaceful life.

I began to actively seek out listeners, counselors, and answerers to assist me with this issue. The process of seeking help from the listeners was highly chaotic due to frequent transference. This chaos should be interpreted in two ways:

Further, the individual experiences self-moral condemnation, as well as the anticipation of listener expectations and the hope of receiving more beauty and care.

I must confess that I am unsure as to the meaning of this passage. The questioner sought assistance because he desired something different from reality. However, upon acquiring this thing, the questioner experienced internal conflict once more, this time between moral condemnation and the hope of acquiring more beauty and love. This internal conflict was so significant that he was rendered "confused" and unable to work or live normally.

This leads me to inquire whether you and your wife may be lacking in the quality of beautiful, loving moments. It is possible that you are subconsciously perceiving these moments as potentially dangerous, given their unfamiliarity and the resulting feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. This may be why you have chosen to prioritize security over other considerations, even at the cost of a less fulfilling relationship.

As an alternative, you could simply find a wife who is more like "Mom."

"I don't believe it's advisable to rely solely on the counselor. I should also encourage independent learning to achieve enlightenment and change my mind." From these words, we can see that the questioner still values himself. Even I "can seem to achieve the industry's 'top difficulty' by casually asking a question."

Indeed, there are only a select few who can assist the top experts, or it can only be the top experts themselves. This may also be a challenge for top experts, as it can be a lonely position to hold.

It seems that the questioner can only achieve their own enlightenment and change of mind through independent learning. As a respondent, I can only offer my best wishes for their success.

Hello, question asker! I'm sending you a big, warm hug from afar to comfort you!

After reading your question, I was really moved. It's so inspiring to see that you're ready to grow and change! You have a strong motivation to improve yourself, and that's fantastic. Keep up the great work! You're doing an amazing job!

There are nearly 7 billion people on the planet, but not many of them seek within. It takes courage, boldness, strength, and wisdom. After all, one has to open up one's inner wounds and slowly apply medicine to let them heal. Just thinking about this process is painful. It is tearing oneself apart. That is why many people are unwilling to explore themselves and are used to seeking outside. They just drift through life, which is simple and happy. You are different. You have embarked on a path unlike that of many people. This path is indeed hard and arduous, but you have come so far. That is really great. Keep it up!

I highly recommend two books I have read: "How Others Treat You Is What You Teach Them" and "Rebuilding the Soul." I don't know if you have read these books, but I absolutely think you should! They are so helpful.

Spiritual exploration and growth is a long and arduous path, but you can do it! May you continue to persevere and see it through to the end.

Topic Master, you absolutely rock! The world and I love you!

Hello, question asker!

I have read your question carefully, over and over again, described it many times, and also read the replies of the various respondents as well as your feedback. I can say with confidence that I feel a mixture of emotions! I admire you, disapprove, and definitely reject you. I am on the same side as you, but I am also the opposite of you, someone who accuses. I really feel that all these emotions are intertwined. Let me hug you, and also hug me at the same time. At this moment, I feel especially chaotic.

I have contradictory feelings, and I know why. My experiences have shaped me.

As a child, I was raised by a mother who was constantly negative. She told me I couldn't do this or that, which led me to doubt myself and my abilities. The difference is that I grew up with my mother's unconditional love. Despite her shortcomings, she was responsible for raising me, and she yelled at me because she was unable to do anything else.

When I grew up and wanted to get married, I was determined that I would never fight with my partner like my parents did. I would never blame my children either. However, I didn't realise that I was repeating my parents' pattern. My husband and I often fight, and it makes our children reluctant to go home. It's just like when I was at school: I felt so bad when I saw my parents fighting at home during the holidays. But I am not going to blame my children too much, unlike my mother. I can already feel this through their feedback.

I also question why I have ended up living my life in the same way as my parents. Why is it that we either agree or argue to solve problems?

Let me be clear: nobody is perfect. Perhaps this aspect of you is the one that your partner disapproves of, the place they want you to improve. But you yourself? You just can't recognize it, and you may even think that you're doing a very good job, feeling that you've already used your full strength. This is the root cause of the problem.

I think of this not only between husband and wife, but also between parents and children. So what about me now? I am going to persuade myself to change the current situation.

I am here to answer your questions. I have helped others while also sorting myself out. I have seen that there is no single way of life for every family, and that there are really a hundred different kinds of life.

I also read ancient texts like the Analects and the Tao Te Ching to gain wisdom from our ancestors. I focus on my own heart and strive for self-improvement.

I've gone on too long already, but I want to make it clear that I stand with you. I'm the unqualified consultant you mentioned, but I can listen and empathize. And I'm not just a listener—I'm a consultant, too.

This is how I feel. I have lived like this, struggling and fighting.

I now understand this truth: the meaning of our lives lies in the pursuit of a better life. As the saying goes, "the flower is not in full bloom, the moon is not yet full, but it is the most beautiful time." Every small change we pursue is the most beautiful and happiest. We should be most content with it. I saw your feedback about your relationship with your wife, and it has reached 50 points, much better than the dozen points a decade ago. Now is the time to face the most beautiful moment of "the flower is not in full bloom, the moon is not yet full" head-on, slowly moving forward along this path, slowly appreciating the scenery ahead.

I also expect you to apply the same methods you used to improve your relationship with your wife.

You have come here to talk to the counselor, and you have high expectations. You also have high expectations of your mother or wife. It's the same thing.

Let me be clear: you feel that your wife or mother is bullying you or yelling at you, which makes you feel unhappy and doesn't make you feel like changing. Do you really think that these views you have of counselors and listeners are the truth? They're not. This is a personal relationship, and it's really quite complicated. Our personal perceptions cannot be changed overnight. This is actually the charm of life!

Every day, we experience different things and have different feelings in our lives. This is the meaning of our lives. I admire your tireless pursuit of the most beautiful attitude. I agree with you that you cannot put all your eggs in the consultant, but must engage in self-directed learning. You feel good, and you should.

As I said earlier, I'm not a consultant or a listener, and I can't tell you how to change. I just want to say a few words about my true feelings. You know what? Now I want to say that you, who can casually ask a question and feel that you have reached the top difficulty in the industry, really hope that through your own learning, you can find some methods and form some theories that will not only help you get through this difficult time, but also help more people.

I have high expectations of you. Learn from others! The world and I love you!

Good morning, host.

First and foremost, they demonstrate a profound understanding of your situation, a genuine empathy for your struggles, and a desire to extend a comforting embrace.

From your description, I can sense your strong desire to find solutions to your own problems. It seems that even a senior counselor may not be able to fully address your concerns. Ultimately, the responsibility for finding solutions lies with you. Others can offer guidance and support, but the decision and action are yours to make.

Ultimately, it is up to each of us to decide how we act and what we do. While we can choose to listen to or ignore the advice of others, we cannot know whether they can solve a problem.

Perhaps what you need to do right now is to adjust your mindset. You're here to seek help and advice, not to ask someone to make decisions for you for the rest of your life.

I can appreciate that the two most important women in your life are important to you and that you crave their approval, acceptance, and care.

It is not uncommon for people to treat others in ways that are less than ideal. In your case, it seems that your mother and wife often appease and talk to other people, which may indicate that they do not recognize your value. This could lead to feelings of frustration and emotional pain.

It would be helpful to understand whether you have had the opportunity to discuss your concerns with your mother and wife.

It would be wonderful if they could treat you better, without yelling and abuse, and with respect. It would be ideal if you could get along peacefully.

✳️ If communication is ineffective, is it possible that your mother and wife are simply accustomed to interacting with others in a different manner? Or is there a possibility that they are genuinely unfriendly with you, but friendly with others?

I feel that this way of getting along may, over time, have a negative effect on the person you are talking to. We often reserve verbal abuse for our closest people and reserve that kind of polite smile for strangers.

It can be challenging when communication seems to be ineffective. It's possible that after such interactions, the other person may not realize there's an issue in the way they interact with you. They might perceive something about you as causing their dissatisfaction or as a trait in you, or as a problem you have. This could lead them to treat you in an unfriendly way.

It's difficult to say which one it is without more information. From your description, it's challenging to know exactly what you're referring to. I can only make an educated guess based on the limited information you've provided. It's possible that my interpretation is incorrect, but it might be helpful to consider the situation from a detached, third-person perspective.

Perhaps you could try stepping back from the situation with a third-person perspective and acting out a scene, as though it were how they usually treat you. It might be helpful to have your mother and wife see how they treat you. This could help them see more objectively that they may have done something wrong, always suppressing and belittling your self-esteem and confidence.

It is possible that those who constantly suppress and undermine self-esteem and confidence may cause them to rebel or become depressed. It would be beneficial for the original poster to try to fight back. It might be helpful to avoid being PUA. The two most important women in your life could be a good place to start. Using wisdom and a gentle approach to change could be beneficial, rather than the way you used to know and still owe money to each other. It would be helpful to consider when it will end and how you could really solve the problem.

It would be wise to consider that your self-esteem and self-confidence still need to be built up and given a stronger foundation so that they cannot be easily suppressed or undermined by others. Just like a paper tiger, they can be easily destroyed with one stab.

After all, we have grown to this age. As an adult, I believe that your self-esteem and self-confidence can sometimes be affected by the actions of others, even if there is no way to fight back. It is therefore important to look for problems in yourself as well as in others, in order to become stronger and better.

It seems that the original poster has a good grasp of this truth and is keen to continue learning and improving, as well as learning independently. With this in mind, it might be helpful to suggest reading these psychology-related books: "The Courage to Be Disliked" and "Inferiority and Transcendence". These books can offer comfort and insight, and they may help the original poster to navigate the challenges of the real world.

I hope the original poster can find a way to resolve the matter amicably and with compromise.

I have carefully read your statement and all the replies. It is reminiscent of the adage, "A happy childhood can heal a lifetime, while an unhappy childhood will take a lifetime to heal."

A happy childhood and a family atmosphere full of love and positive energy can foster the development of a gentle and open-minded disposition, the capacity to distinguish right from wrong, and the ability to face the various setbacks in life with resilience and fortitude.

Children who are raised in humble circumstances often strive to establish a sense of self-worth and seek external validation from others, which can result in a loss of personal identity.

You stated, "I spent my childhood with my mother, and after marriage, I spent a considerable amount of time with my wife, and the situation was largely similar. The two most significant women in my life employed yelling and belittling as their primary methods of interaction with me."

In other words, if the father figure was absent during your upbringing, then the root cause of your mother's behavior—yelling and losing her temper—is that she was unhappy in her marriage, and your presence caused her problems and distress.

One might inquire as to the nature of your wife's upbringing. Was she raised in a family where sons were favored over daughters?

Have you also experienced a lack of recognition and acceptance since childhood? Have you not had the opportunity to learn how to love and be loved?

Did you also grow up in an environment where you were belittled, and thus learn how your parents treated their family?

Have you been made aware of the concept of the "inner child"?

In the absence of sufficient love and comfort during childhood, a sensitive and vulnerable space is formed within the individual, which is referred to as the "inner child" in psychological literature. This inner child may have experienced abuse, neglect, or scolding at the age of two, three, five, or eight during childhood, resulting in unmet needs and trauma. When confronted with similar childhood trauma in adulthood, the mind may regress to a state of childhood, leading to feelings of fear, vulnerability, and withdrawal.

From a psychological perspective, this inner child can be defined as a projection of our complex inner landscape or a genuine expression of our core fixation points.

As you have indicated, your mother and wife's verbal abuse and dismissive attitudes have caused you significant emotional distress. It is inherently challenging to maintain harmonious relationships with individuals who are friendly and treat you as a human being, given the limitations of empathy. The shortest empathy record is only three seconds.

In other words, the subject was socialized in an environment where yelling was the norm, and the subject was once afraid inside. However, the subject has never had the opportunity to properly soothe that fear, communicate with their mother or wife, or identify the root cause of why they did that.

In the absence of healing, individuals may redirect their longing for warmth and care to external sources, such as counselors, in an attempt to find answers and alleviate suffering.

Indeed, each client who seeks counseling aims to identify a solution to their current issue. The counselor's role is to assist the client in discerning the underlying cause of the problem through an analysis of the client's statements, thereby enabling the client to address the root cause and resolve the problem.

In each counseling session, clients must repeatedly confront the emotional residue of their childhood experiences. They seek warmth and love from their counselors but often experience alternating feelings of hope and disappointment. This emotional instability contributes to a sense of transference, moral condemnation of the self, and further expectations of the counselor, with the hope of receiving more beauty and love. The chaos within the client's heart prevents them from maintaining a normal routine, functioning at work, or leading a peaceful life.

It is therefore recommended that the first book, entitled Embrace Your Inner Child, be read. This book can help the reader to see the fears of their inner child, teach them how to deeply heal their inner wounds, release their joy, creativity and vitality, and reshape secure attachments.

The second book, entitled Change Starts in the Heart, presents a synthesis of psychological research on the optimal management of emotions, stress reduction, and the attainment of physical and mental well-being, along with the cultivation of inner peace.

The third book, entitled "How the New Family Shapes People," provides guidance on how to prioritize self-care and cultivate a healthy family life. It offers strategies for effective communication within the family unit, as well as techniques for navigating past experiences and addressing negative influences from the family of origin.

Spiritual growth is contingent upon inner awareness and self-healing, as well as self-care. While the behavior of others may be resistant to change, the inner world can be altered. It is my hope that today's answer will prove beneficial to you.

I hope this message finds you well.

Hi, I'm Jianlin, a psychological counselor. From what you've told me,

From childhood to adulthood, the two women in your life have treated you roughly the same way, which is to yell at you a lot. This has caused you to develop a certain resistance to the opposite sex.

As a result, you can't communicate with normal friends of the opposite sex, and you're looking for lots of listeners to help you solve your problems. First of all, to solve a problem, you have to solve the root cause.

So, where does the root of your problem lie? It's in why they all have the same habit of yelling at you.

If your mother yells at you because you were inconsiderate as a child, then your wife yells at you because she loves you and should be gentle with you.

Why do you also get angry? You need to figure that out on your own. No one can help you.

I'd like to tell you that whether they're a mother and wife or a friend of the opposite sex, women like to be praised, cared for, and pampered. They also like people who understand them. Women are naturally like water, so why do they become tigers after spending time with you?

And you pass such a problem on to the listening teacher to help you solve it. I can tell you with confidence that no teacher can say that your problem can be solved through communication.

The thing is, you don't really know what the problem is.

As a listening teacher, he can only analyze the situation. Based on what you've told him, he can analyze it to help you relax and figure out the real issue.

It's clear that many of our teachers are doing a great job in this area, helping you to relieve stress and find the root of the problem. But you haven't done it, or you haven't done it seriously.

We all say that the root of the problem is the answer. If you really want to change things, the best way is to figure out what's really going on with you.

Maybe this statement is making you feel uncomfortable or even offensive. We all know that good medicine tastes bitter.

I hope this will help you start to see things differently and gain self-awareness. Can you be a person who is loved by everyone?

I hope I can be of help. Please forgive me if there's anything inappropriate in what I said. Thanks!

Being yelled at by a woman, feeling disrespected, unloved – it feels angry, ashamed, and sad!

If your mother was always critical and shouted at you when you were little, you may have thought the world was a scary place. Everyone was out to get you, no one loved you, and you were alone. So you became insecure and had low self-esteem. You thought you weren't good enough or worthy of love.

You won't find a woman who loves you and marry her because you don't think it's real. You don't feel safe with such a woman, always feeling that you will be abandoned. So you guard against her and control her to keep her within your grasp. You will sabotage the relationship with her.

Eventually, she leaves, and you realize she doesn't really love you.

Until you find someone who yells at you and scolds you, you'll think women must yell at and scold you to be with you.

This is obsessive repetition.

This pattern may be present in all your relationships. You have created your own world without realizing it.

You don't trust this world because you need it to love you unconditionally.

Hello, I am peace.

You argue with your mother about child-rearing. She gets angry, and you feel bad afterwards. I can sense your depression, frustration, and helplessness.

New parents often need help from the elderly to take care of their children. It is common for them to live together and have conflicts. You should not be anxious.

If this goes on, it will affect family relationships and the atmosphere.

We are all experts in our own problems. You are here to get help.

You may have to think about this question yourself, and I can help you.

What was your relationship with your mother like when you were a child? How did she treat you?

What are your feelings?

If you had to describe your mother in a few words, what would they be? Why not write them down? Think about whether your perception of your mother is fair.

Mom says, "I'm just not capable." How do you feel and respond?

Are you willing to listen to your mother? Invite her to sit down, forget your preconceived notions, remain calm, and have an open exchange of feelings.

Feel, listen, and speak up.

Mothers love their children and are willing to make sacrifices for them. I'm sure you love your mother too.

With a loving bond, take the initiative, be calm, be patient, and try to understand your mother's feelings while also expressing your own.

With love and understanding, I think my relationship with my mother will be happy. It will take courage, patience, hard work, and perseverance.

I wish you harmony and happiness.

Read the book "Nonviolent Communication."

Hello, question asker! I'm Evan, and I'm here to help.

From what you've shared, it seems like you feel like your mom and wife always put you down, yell at you, and ignore your actions. It's totally normal to feel this way! Why do you think your wife's behavior is so similar to your mom's?

I wonder if the questioner has ever thought about this? I think the wife the questioner chose was subconsciously chosen based on the model of his mother to a certain extent.

I can understand why the questioner's mother treated her roughly. It's likely that it was related to the behavioral patterns formed by her upbringing in her original family. It's perfectly normal for the questioner to empathize with the counselor and listener. What's important is how the counselor deals with the questioner's empathy, so that the questioner can grow during the counseling process.

I feel that the reason the questioner's mother treats her this way is more related to the education she received from her own family. When children grow up, they are influenced by their family of origin and believe that parents have absolute authority at home, which is totally understandable!

Of course, parents have different reasons for trying to control their kids' behavior. Some want to be perfect, while others are afraid their kids will repeat their own mistakes. These actions might seem like love, but they can actually cause depression and harm kids.

I'm here to give you a big hug and some much-needed strength so you can understand your mom's motives in dealing with you.

It's not always the case that parents reject their children on purpose. Sometimes, it's just a pattern that's been passed down from their own families. But how can parents communicate with their children and educate them in a way that's helpful to everyone? If parents don't realize that some of their old ways of doing things aren't helpful, it can be hard for them to change. This is because they might find it easier to use the same methods they've always used, even if they're not the best.

So, when the questioner grows up, if they can't take a good look at their own behavior patterns and understand the ideas that their family of origin has given them, they might find themselves caught up in the same cycle.

I'd also like to offer the questioner some friendly advice, since this question was asked on a platform:

It would be really helpful for you to find out the patterns that your mum picked up from her own family.

Sometimes moms can be a little strict with their kids, but it's not necessarily a controlling behavior. It doesn't mean she's a controlling personality or a negative parent. A truly controlling parent will control others in a specific way.

Sometimes these methods are pretty obvious, and sometimes they're a bit more subtle. We all know that controlling behavior can take many forms, from overwhelming criticism to veiled threats.

However, it seems that the OP's mother mostly shouts at and belittles her. It might be helpful for the OP to try to find out if her mother was also treated this way by the older members of the family when she was a child. When the OP's mother had her own ideas when she was young, the older members of the family made it difficult for her to even eat. This was especially the case in an era where men were valued over women, so it was normal for her to be belittled and shouted at! When the older members of the family treated the OP's mother roughly and suppressed her, she would grow up and bring this pattern of behavior to her own children.

It's so important to try to understand why your mum is acting the way she is towards you.

I'm sure you're wondering why your mother treats you this way. Perhaps she was treated this way when she was a child. Maybe she was taught this way by her elders in her family.

The way to communicate with children was taught to the mother in her own family of origin. This model is imprinted in her heart, and she will bring this model into the family she forms.

In her opinion, this is how parents should treat their children.

It's so important to understand your mother's motives! When you understand why she did what she did, it helps her to release her emotions, treat you more calmly, and make herself more at ease.

So, if the questioner understands the mother's motives, they'll realize that the mother is just following the same pattern she learned from her own family when it comes to her children. It's not that she doesn't see there's something kind and understanding about the questioner too.

It's probably best not to confront your mother-in-law.

When you're faced with some not-so-great behavior from your mom or wife, it's probably best not to confront them. If your mom makes you feel uncomfortable, you can always express your feelings to her in a way that doesn't affect the communication.

It's best not to confront them, as it might make things worse and make it harder to find a solution.

It's best not to argue with your mother and wife. When you feel hurt and angry, try not to fight back. Instead, just turn around and leave. If things get really bad, you can go to a friend or relative's house for a while.

I know it can be really tough, but try to avoid getting into an argument with your mum. It'll help you both stay calm and avoid damaging the relationship.

It's so important to learn to deal with your mother-in-law's behavior.

The way the questioner's mother and wife interact with the questioner is pretty set in stone, but how you respond is totally up to you! Do you let them control your every word and action?

Should you confront them? Absolutely! Just remember to control your emotions and always remain respectful. This will help you face their behavior more calmly.

It's a great idea to practice speaking in front of the mirror, maintaining a respectful attitude, and behaving appropriately in response to their derogatory behavior. It's also a good idea to practice responding in various scenarios based on the different reactions they may have.

This will help you feel more relaxed and in control when the time comes, which I'm sure will be soon!

It's okay to accept the reality of the situation.

It's important to remember that the questioner can't change their behavior or their way of thinking. This is something you and your mother and wife will have to accept together. Even though you can't control each other's feelings and thoughts, you can change your attitude towards each other. This will help change the other person's attitude towards you.

It can be really tough to change other people's minds, especially when they don't think they're in the wrong and don't want to change. The good news is that the only people who can change them are themselves. When the questioner makes a change, I truly believe that they will also change along with the questioner's change.

It's so important to set some clear boundaries.

It's really important to set some clear boundaries with your mum and wife. Make sure you stick to them, and respect each other's boundaries too. Agree on a private space you can all enjoy together, and respect each other's space there. If your mum and wife don't respect this, they'll just keep on doing what they're doing, and it'll be hard to have a nice, happy home.

When problems come up in your interactions with them, it might be helpful to use some verbal skills. You could try saying something like, "I respect your boundaries, but sometimes my boundaries aren't respected by you."

How can we make sure that both of our needs are met?

The questioner said that they are seeking counseling and the help of some listeners, which is great! However, I don't think that any counselor of any school can help the questioner. I personally think that if the questioner wants to heal the wounds brought about in the original family, they can try to find some self-counselors who are good at psychoanalysis and humanism to help themselves. At the same time, they can also learn some knowledge of psychology and communication skills to enhance their communication with their family. What I need to remind the questioner is that if empathy occurs, it is a very normal phenomenon in counseling. The questioner can generously bring it up during counseling and discuss with the counselor how to face such emotions, rather than suffering alone.

Once you've made these changes, you'll be able to understand your mom better and manage your emotions more effectively. This will help you feel stronger and more confident as you grow up.

I really hope my answer helps the questioner!

I highly recommend the book 20 Lectures on Life's Confusions. The first part, "Self and Growth," addresses the challenges that childhood and the original family can present in later life.

Your problems also stem from living with your mother as a child. This book introduces a lot of psychological knowledge and cases that will help you better understand yourself.

We are now going to analyze the causes of your current psychological problems and the methods you should use through some psychological knowledge.

1. Do you know that you exist?

Your parents had no choice, but your spouse definitely chose you before entering into marriage. Since the two important women in your life have the same attitude towards you, it's likely that your own actions tend to trigger the desire of family members to belittle you.

There are many problems that need to be solved in psychological counseling, and the first thing you must do is find the root cause of the problem. If you can't find the root cause,

You're wasting your breath. It's like a broken tooth. You can take painkillers, but they'll only ease the pain temporarily. The only way to solve the problem is to have it extracted.

Let's calm down and start introspecting. You need to figure out why the important women in your life all disparage you. Is it their problem, or did you make them feel that way?

First, we will examine whether you exhibit the following three behaviors:

1. You have a lazy attitude towards life and just get by. You find all kinds of excuses to avoid problems.

2. Arrogance and conceit. You think you are very capable, but you are just a pompous nobody.

3. Lack of responsibility. There is not enough dedication to the family.

They use all kinds of excuses to avoid dealing with their family members.

These three points are the main reasons why women often disparage men. If you have these problems yourself, you need to correct them.

If not, your family members are being too demanding on you. You need to communicate with them.

Make them realize their own problems and correct their attitude towards you.

Naturally, the solution to problems through good communication with family members is also part of family conflict mediation. We will not go into detail on this issue.

Conflicts usually arise on both sides, so one side must change to make things better. You either change or they change.

Otherwise, your life situation will remain unchanged. The key question, therefore, is to determine whether you need to change yourself or they need to change their attitude.

2. Understand Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory states that people will only have higher-level needs once their basic needs have been met. However, the hierarchy of needs can be skipped or even reversed due to the complexity of the human spirit.

Let me be clear: some people can temporarily give up their lower-level needs in order to pursue higher-level needs.

Your account makes it clear that you crave the approval of your family. When this spiritual need is repeatedly thwarted by reality, you fall into a vicious cycle of bad emotions.

As you said, spending time with your mother as a child and then with your wife for a long time after marriage is basically the same. The two most important women in my life have always yelled at me and belittled me, which has caused me emotional pain and emotional distress.

It's simply not possible to get along peacefully with the opposite sex who are friendly and treat me like a human being. The shortest empathy record is only three seconds.

When they disparage your actions, your negative emotions will affect the positive and enterprising side of your life. This will have a negative impact on your performance in all areas.

This kind of emotion is still fermenting, and it will increasingly affect your mental state.

Once you understand this, you must maintain a positive and optimistic emotional state to face life and work in the best possible way. This allows you to develop in a positive direction. You will change, and you will counter their derogatory comments with practical actions.

They will see that you have achieved results through your active struggle, and the derogatory situations will decrease accordingly.

This is how you break out of the vicious cycle and move in a positive direction.

3. You must understand the psychological impact of cognitive dissonance.

Humans experience cognitive dissonance. Aronson developed Festinger's theory and linked two basic human needs to it.

This theory explains two fundamental psychological needs of human beings: the need to understand the world correctly and the need to maintain a positive self-esteem. When these two needs are in conflict, psychological conflict inevitably arises.

You will damage your self-esteem if you try to understand the world correctly. To maintain your self-esteem, you must distort your perception. This causes psychological conflict and contradiction.

This psychological cause is reflected in your personal problems. Your family members disparage you because your actions do not meet their expectations.

When you are negatively affected by the derogatory remarks, you will feel negative emotions.

Admitting that you are inferior to others is agreeing that their derogatory comments about you are correct. This affects your self-esteem. Conversely, believing that their comments are wrong is defending your self-esteem on the premise of changing the public's perception.

Their disparagement of you cannot be completely groundless, so you will inevitably contend with the public's perception of what is right in the process of psychological resistance.

Your resistance at this time will make it clear to them that they are wrong, but they will still find reasons to justify themselves. This is why they resort to expressing their dissatisfaction through derogatory remarks.

Therefore, after clarifying this point, you must analyze the problem objectively. When you have a conflict with your family, you must step outside of your own subjective consciousness and objectively analyze the specific problem to determine whether it is your family member who is at fault.

You must decide whether the demands on you are too harsh or if you are not doing a good enough job yourself. If your family is being too demanding, you need to find an opportunity to communicate with them calmly.

Make them aware of their own problems. If it is your own problem, correct it.

If your family members feel that you want to change for the better from the bottom of your heart, they will stop criticizing you.

4. Break out of the vicious cycle of escapist thinking.

You are empathetic and have mentioned this many times in your narrative. This proves that you avoid problems and are not willing to face them head-on.

Empathy is a temporary way to achieve inner satisfaction by transferring one's emotions to another person, but it is not a fundamental solution to the problem.

As you said, "I started to constantly seek out listeners, counselors, and answerers for help with this problem. The process of seeking help from listeners is very confusing because of frequent transference."

This confusion has two meanings: moral condemnation of oneself and further expectations of the listener, hoping to receive more beauty and love.

You have only received temporary care from the counselor. This is an illusion and a temporary psychological consolation.

It's detached from reality. You're not talking to a counselor, you're talking to your family.

You have 24 hours in a day, not just a short consultation time.

Don't avoid the problem—solve it at the root. You can't be truly happy with just a little psychological comfort gained from empathy.

This is why you will be disappointed later.

5. Break free from the shackles of your own thinking.

From the title of your question, it's clear you have a serious problem with fixed thinking, which means your perception is too limited. You want someone with a minimum of a bachelor's degree to answer your question because you think people with a bachelor's degree or above are experienced and powerful.

But is that really the case? If a very capable psychologist just arrives on the platform,

He also doesn't have a trumpet. This problem clearly shows that you have a very one-sided view of things.

This kind of one-sidedness affects your judgment of many things in life. You must analyze and think about problems from an objective and holistic perspective.

You must grasp the root cause of the problem to solve it completely.

This is not the answer.

In short, your main problem is self-awareness and your thinking patterns. I am confident that my answer has been helpful.

I am certain that after reading the books I recommend to you, you will have a new understanding at the cognitive level.

You will find a way to live a happy life and build a good, intimate relationship with your family from a different perspective!