We have been together for three years. Should we go to my boyfriend's family for the New Year?

Hi, I'm Xin Tan, Coach Fei Yun here.

You're feeling a bit anxious about the upcoming Spring Festival. For you, it's a time when you feel the pressure to get married. It doesn't matter whether you go back to your family's home or your boyfriend's home, you still feel nervous. Let's share and discuss together:

On the one hand, you want to get rid of the label of "leftover woman."

In other words, deep down you still want to get married. Your parents are pushing you to tie the knot, and your friends and colleagues are concerned about your single status.

You've got two good options. Going to your boyfriend's place for New Year's is a great way to show your parents and everyone else that you've found someone.

On the other hand, you're still a little worried about intimacy.

Going to your boyfriend's home for the New Year is a great way to officially confirm your relationship and take the next step towards getting married.

Even though you've been together for three years, you're not quite ready to deal with what might happen after you get married.

And going home for the New Year, you don't want to have to deal with your parents' various questions about marriage.

3. Your need for security makes you crave control.

It doesn't matter if it's your parents pushing you to get married or the unpredictability of your future marriage—it undermines your need for security and stops you from taking the next step.

Ultimately, our relationships are about fulfilling unmet needs from our parents. It's possible to be aware of what emotional needs you want to get from this relationship.

Is this a way to temporarily escape the feeling of loneliness? Or to show your parents that you can find a lover?

In love, we're all looking for our "ideal parents" and getting our various emotional needs met by the other person.

So, you're longing for intimacy but also afraid of being separated again.

We spend our whole lives learning to "detach" from our mothers and parents. Not every relationship in our lives is permanent. They're all relationships that have accompanied us at certain stages of our growth.

4. Be your own biggest supporter and nurturer.

There's a difference between love and need. When we love ourselves enough, identify with ourselves, and accept ourselves, we'll be able to love and accept others.

It all starts with our parents' unconditional acceptance of us. As we grow up, we learn to love ourselves and accept others.

Even in a close relationship, it's important to maintain your own identity while staying connected to your partner. This helps you to avoid losing yourself in the relationship and to keep your emotional wellbeing intact, no matter how far the relationship has progressed. You need to be your own strongest support.

You can share your views and feelings with your boyfriend and be sincere. Express yourself with emotion, but also listen to the other person, giving him the chance to get to know you better, get closer to you, and protect you.

I hope this is helpful for you and for the world. And I love you.

If you'd like to keep the conversation going, just click on "Find a coach" in the lower right corner to chat.

Hello, questioner!

From what you said, I can tell you're facing some inner self-contradiction, as well as a very good ability to perceive and actively seek a breakthrough in the problem. This is the beginning of change.

You described the uncomfortable feelings you have when your boyfriend of three years invites you to his home for the New Year. On the one hand, you know that your parents will have to wait for you to come home. On the other hand, you don't really want to go home and face their forced marriage and nagging. But you are also worried about her invitation. You don't know how to get in touch with his family, which may even affect the marriage in the future.

I'm also often confused, but I want to tell you that we can't give you an exact answer. All the answers are inside you. When you're in conflict, you need to be more aware of why you have such contradictory feelings. Or you can clarify which part you want the most.

First of all, I think your boyfriend shows that your relationship is still stable by inviting you to his home for the New Year after three years together. He's probably more likely to introduce you to his family this way. You're worried about going to his home and feeling awkward or worrying that marriage plans will keep you apart.

I'd like to ask you about this question: When you realize that going to his house will feel strange, what kind of feeling is it? Does this feeling have anything to do with your usual personality?

Do you feel secure enough?

If you had to rate this embarrassing feeling on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being a very common feeling and 10 being the most unfamiliar, where would you place it? What would your ideal score be?

What have you done to help yourself feel less unfamiliar with this situation?

You said you were worried that in the future, the details of your wedding might drive you apart. When you feel this way, is it because you don't have more confidence in your relationship? Or are you just overthinking things?

You can get more details here.

If you're set on going to your boyfriend's house, how do you feel about that? And what are your feelings if you don't go?

Second, you say you know your parents are waiting for you to come home for the New Year, but you don't really want to face their nagging about getting married. I think a lot of people will have this conflicted mentality, and of course, this is normal.

You mentioned that you know your parents are waiting for you to come home, and that this feeling of guilt makes you uncomfortable. At the same time, though, you also said that the thought of them pressuring you to get married makes you feel very uncomfortable, which makes you even less inclined to go home.

It's important to be aware of this. How much do you dislike the idea of your parents pushing you to get married? Apart from that, do you think your parents have other feelings towards you?

If you're sure you're not going home, what are your feelings?

You can decide for yourself whether going home will make you feel better or not.

Ultimately, life is full of choices, and there are many ways to approach any given situation.

If you're not comfortable spending New Year's at your boyfriend's house, you can go home first to celebrate and then go to his place before work. It's also fine to spend more time with their parents.

If neither of those options feels right, there's another one: you can go on a trip by yourself or with your boyfriend.

No matter what you decide, you and your boyfriend need to communicate and tell him your thoughts. This will help keep your relationship stable.

No matter what you decide, just follow your heart and make sure you're comfortable and at ease.

Hello, friend in deep emotional distress!

First of all, congratulations on having a boyfriend who has invited you home for the New Year. This is a clear sign that your relationship is moving towards marriage!

Your boyfriend and his family have recognized your existence, which is something to celebrate in your relationship.

Next, I want to discuss with you what you think of the New Year. You said you're not going anywhere for the New Year. What did you think of the last New Year?

If there are any factors related to your feelings, think about them clearly before responding to your boyfriend's invitation.

Third, you need to plan for your relationship. You've been with your boyfriend for three years and you described yourself as an older woman left behind.

You need to decide if you're ready to get married. If you're not, you need to figure out what's holding you back. After all, three years of a relationship generally gives you a good idea of whether the other person is a good match for you, and being older is a factor that encourages entering the marriage hall early.

You need to think it through.

Finally, you should know that you can negotiate marriage issues with your boyfriend. You and your boyfriend should agree on things like the bride price based on your customs and economic conditions. The ceremony should also be respectful of each other. In short, you and your boyfriend should negotiate everything related to marriage.

This is between you and your boyfriend. You must agree, then work together to persuade your parents to minimize disagreements. Your future is what matters most, so you can make the necessary compromises.

These are my personal opinions, and I stand by them. I hope you find them helpful!

Hello! I'm Jiang 61.

Thank you for trusting us with your worries and seeking our advice. You're unsure about going to your boyfriend's family for the New Year.

Let me explain.

and is hesitant

1⃣️, in a difficult situation

You say, "I'm an older woman who has been with my boyfriend for three years. He wants me to go to his family's home for New Year's, but I don't know if I want to."

When your boyfriend invites you to his family's home for the New Year, you seem unsure. You haven't figured out what kind of life you want.

You reveal a few things.

Your boyfriend wants to be with you.

and introduce you to his family.

You've been with your boyfriend for three years. He wants to introduce you to his family and invite you to spend New Year with them.

I hope we can stay together.

Meeting the parents is an important part of getting married. My boyfriend invited you to meet his family because he wants to make you his girlfriend.

hesitation

After your boyfriend invited you, you said you didn't want to go because your parents were waiting for you to celebrate the New Year. This shows you haven't thought about your future.

You don't know who you'll marry.

2⃣️, I don't want to celebrate the New Year.

You said, "I don't want to see you or go to your house for New Year's. I don't want to go home either because my parents will pressure me to get married."

I feel strange going to my boyfriend's family home for the New Year. I'm afraid our relationship will break up over marriage.

I don't want to celebrate New Year's.

You don't want to celebrate the New Year anywhere. You're afraid of being pressured to get married, of being uncomfortable at your boyfriend's family's home, and of a relationship breakdown due to disagreements about marriage.

Afraid to face everything.

You're afraid of relationships. You think about the worst and worry about it.

3⃣, doubts

You said, "I don't know what to do."

You don't know how to make decisions or handle relationships. You want to see what others think.

2. The reason for the doubt

1. Don't know yourself

Unconfident

You don't know what you want. You're not confident in yourself or your ability to handle relationships. That's why you don't want to go anywhere.

You don't understand yourself.

You don't know yourself, your abilities, or what your future looks like. You don't have a fixed idea in your mind. So you don't dare make a rash decision.

2⃣️, worrying too much

You always think, "If I can't get along with my partner when we talk about marriage, we'll break up."

You think the future will be bad, so you don't want to get married.

3⃣️, due to your personality

You are sensitive to others, have a lot of thoughts, and strive to be perfect. You are indecisive, afraid of what's ahead, and tend to be pessimistic and passive.

These thoughts are probably due to your personality. You seem melancholic.

A melancholic personality has the following characteristics:

Characteristics: thoughtful, sensitive, idealistic, and in pursuit of truth, goodness, and beauty.

You are sensitive, loyal, talented, and insightful.

Disadvantages: stubborn, indecisive, self-centered, pessimistic, passive

4⃣️, the influence of your original family

You can't make decisions. The indecision you're feeling now is a reflection of your life in your original family.

Parents who do everything for you.

Your parents took care of everything and rarely let you make decisions, so you are not good at making decisions.

Critical parents

Your parents were critical and made you feel like you were always in the wrong. This has made you lack confidence in yourself.

3. What to do

1. Understand yourself.

To get out of your current situation, you must understand yourself better.

Know who I am.

Knowing who you are means you won't look outside for it. You won't try to determine your worth through others' opinions. You know what you're capable of.

You know where I come from.

Knowing where you come from and how you became the person you are helps you handle life's dynamics. You're not nervous or scared when you have to go to your boyfriend's house, worrying you won't handle relationships.

You can manage your emotions and stop worrying.

Know where I'm going.

Know yourself. Know your abilities, interests, strengths, weaknesses, and what you can and cannot do. You will know where you can go. You will not give up your future happiness just because you have to help your parents.

You won't worry about what you're missing or losing, or the future of your marriage.

2. Build self-confidence.

You know yourself, your strengths, and how to play to them to achieve results.

With self-confidence, you will not be afraid or worried. You will be in control of yourself. You can be your true self.

3⃣️, Think positively and speak up.

Think positively.

No matter what, think positively and look for solutions. If one solution doesn't work, there are others.

To solve problems with confidence.

Speak up.

When you need help, speak up. This is the best way to get support.

4. Effective communication

Effective communication

Communication is sharing information with someone in the hope that they will respond as expected. If they do, it is effective communication.

Verbal and non-verbal messages are both important in communication. Effective communication is important for dealing with relationships on campus.

Steps to effective communication

Effective communication has four steps.

Step 1: Express feelings, not emotions.

Step 2: Express what you want, not what you don't want.

Step 3: Express your needs, not your complaints.

Step 4: Express where you want to go, not where you don't. Look at the end result.

Effective communication helps you escape emotional problems and gain understanding and support. When communicating with elders and colleagues, mastering effective communication helps you establish good relationships, intimacy, and personal growth in the workplace.

You know yourself and what you want. You have confidence, self-awareness, positive thinking, and effective communication. You know what you can do. Take the first step with confidence.

Happy New Year to the original poster!

Hello.

It's time to make a decision. You can't keep going back and forth between your boyfriend's family home for the New Year and your own family's home. You don't want to go anywhere. So, first of all, I want to give you a hug, and also a little strength and support. Let's analyze the situation together:

You are facing a dilemma for a reason.

1. Going back to your parents' house may result in pressure to get married, and going to your boyfriend's house means that your boyfriend will formally confirm your relationship in front of his family. You may also have to face the matter of getting married next. In other words, whether you go to your boyfriend's house or go back to your own parents' house, the final result for you may be the confirmation of your relationship with your boyfriend.

You don't want to go anywhere. In fact, you're afraid of the certainty of this relationship. You're not ready to marry your boyfriend.

2. At the same time, you care a lot about this relationship. You want to get rid of the label of "leftover woman" and you know you can do it. You want to let yourself, your parents, those around you, and even yourself, be satisfied. Your relationship with your boyfriend satisfies this need and gives you this sense of security.

This creates a conflict in your mind. On the one hand, you want to maintain this intimate relationship. On the other hand, you are afraid to take the next step and become even more intimate.

Your desire for intimacy and your need for distance are clear signs of your inner insecurity.

Your desire for intimacy and your need for distance are clear signs of your inner insecurity. This insecurity likely stems from your uncertainty about your boyfriend.

You may have experienced trauma from separation in the past and are therefore reluctant to get any closer for fear of repeating that experience.

?

My advice is this:

My advice is this:

You need to take control of your emotions and analyse the situation.

1. Take a deep breath and take a good look at your relationship with your boyfriend. You'll see where your insecurity comes from.

First, take a deep breath and take a good look at your relationship with your boyfriend. You need to figure out where your insecurity is coming from.

(1) If you are unsure about your boyfriend as a person, you have been together for three years, and you should know him well enough to know what you can and cannot accept.

If you feel that your boyfriend is fine and the relationship is harmonious, then your insecurity likely stems from a previous trauma of separation. The trauma of the past has made you afraid to get too close to your boyfriend, and you are afraid of facing the trauma of separation again.

In either case, the sense of security of an adult is ultimately given by oneself. You must understand that you are now capable of giving yourself a sense of security and that you don't need to rely on others or be afraid of separation.

This is not something that can be resolved in a single sentence. It will take time. If you need help, find a psychologist. Psychological counseling is the best way to get better.

2. Be honest with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel. He needs to understand your insecurity and be on your side. A good intimate relationship is crucial for nourishing and healing people.

Your boyfriend's understanding and tolerance will give you a sense of security now and help you heal the wounds of the past. Don't expect too much from him, though. He's not you, and he may not be able to understand and tolerate you as much as you'd like. Take your time.

I am confident that my analysis and suggestions will be helpful to you. The world and I love you.