What if you feel tired all the time because you can't be honest even when you're in a relationship and always look your best?

Hello, host! I'm July.

After reading your description, I understand your question better. I'm here to give you a hug in four dimensions.

You want to show your best self to your partner, and you demand the best from yourself. You dress appropriately and behave appropriately every time you meet.

However, in the long run, you will also have high expectations of yourself, which will make you feel bad in the moment because you will always be concerned about how you look in the eyes of the other person. At the same time, you are also afraid that you will do something wrong and have a bad influence on your partner.

Let me be clear: the psychological and behavioral issues you have are more related to your family of origin. You were a good child who rarely made demands. So, when you grew up, you became someone who took on everything yourself and rarely told close people about your problems. Deep down, you were afraid that if you told someone about your problems, they would reject you. So, you stopped confiding in others and chose to suffer on your own.

I have also summarized some methods to help you alleviate the current situation. I am confident that you will find them helpful.

(1) Express yourself and show your true self. Don't be afraid. Be brave. Do it.

(2) It's normal to want to show off the perfect version of yourself at the beginning of a relationship. We always idealize ourselves and the other person, and it's fine to do so. However, the longer it goes on, the more flaws in us will be revealed, which is a process of disillusionment. We should treat it with a normal heart and not be overly afraid of not doing well.

(3) The harm caused by the original family has already been done, but we can minimize this harm by changing our own attitudes and behaviors.

(4) You are great, so don't stress. If you want to eat something, just say so. Don't hide your thoughts too much, but speak up more. People who love you will not gradually grow apart from you because you express your feelings.

(5) Relax, take it easy, and don't stress yourself out too much. I'm telling you, stressing yourself out too much will make the present self feel very bad.

The world and I love you.

Take care.

Hello!

The question mentions "very tired" and "too tired" quite a bit. This kind of tiredness could be a sign of shame, guilt, boredom, distress, or depression.

Your body is telling you it's tired because it's your most loyal friend. It won't deceive you, and it can't. It wants to help you.

It seems like the questioner is looking for some psychological analysis and help to enjoy a relationship properly.

Having your own taste in makeup and clothing feels great. But the questioner suddenly changed the subject and used the word "fully armed." This is what you're really thinking.

It seems like you don't want to keep being "fully armed," but you'll probably end up that way because you have these shackles on you. It's not really a choice, it's more of a habit.

This habit has already made you feel pretty uncomfortable.

You might feel a little bit of "security" in the shackles, but this "security" is not real. It was instilled in you through education. You want nourishment from within, which is why you have discovered that wearing shackles inside will only make you weaker and weaker.

You feel a little shy about expressing yourself, so you offer an explanation: "I always choose to be especially kind."

If you're tired, the other person will pick up on that. So no matter how "kind" you are, the other person will first feel "tired."

As society has developed, there's been a growing emphasis on self-acceptance and self-expression. This could be an opportunity for change.

It's interesting to note that while the Gregorian calendar birthday is celebrated, the lunar calendar birthday is observed. This detail is worth paying attention to. If you search Baidu for well-known artists, you'll see that their actual age is displayed. This shows that the current culture fully accepts the Gregorian calendar birthday.

The lunar calendar uses the traditional Chinese method of calculating age, which is based on the year of one's birth. This may be related to the family culture you grew up with. It may be more rigid and overly conservative, requiring you to "be tolerant," but there is a big difference between this kind of "tolerance" and true "modesty and courtesy."

It's worth thinking about.

Small details can have a big impact on people.

I'm not sure if you'd be up for telling him that you mark your birthday according to the lunar calendar and chatting with him about why. Let him know what you think.

Then give celebrating your birthday according to the Gregorian calendar a try. You might find you're a lot more open and accepting of yourself.

Life is diverse. When you're tied down, it's easy to reject other possibilities. The more you hold on to them, the more you fear them.

To be sincere and courageous, you have to be willing to face your own vulnerability and your own past.

I suggest watching the Indian movie "Toilet: Ek Prem Katha" (2019) on Tencent Video. When isolation affects quality of life and both people in a relationship are tired, what attitude is justified for the sake of love?

Hello!

I'm worried and sad for you. In a relationship, you suppress your needs and give in to others.

Even if you are angry, treat others kindly. You don't want to share your favorite restaurant or even your birthday. This must be exhausting.

You should feel uncomfortable with these patterns. You want to break free and express yourself. I can help you find a way to break your current state.

Let's figure out why together. This can help you more. I'll tell you about a visitor my teacher met. Her situation is similar to yours.

This woman would help a colleague with a task even if she was tired. She would drink with others even if she couldn't. She suppressed her needs to cater to others. She realized that behind her habit of catering to others was a fear of conflict. She saw conflict as punishment because her parents punished her for it. She developed the habit of catering to others to survive.

Think back to your childhood. Did you have a rough time? It's possible you learned to please others to survive.

You dress up because you're afraid not wearing makeup will disappoint others. You don't say which restaurant you like because you're afraid others will be disappointed if they go to a restaurant you don't like. You don't speak your mind because you're afraid the other person will be disappointed. Constantly repressing yourself out of fear of disappointing others is painful.

You've worked hard to get to this point. You can believe in your ability to dispel such beliefs. Not catering to others doesn't mean you'll disappoint them. Start with a close, safe relationship. Record your feelings and thoughts.

Speaking your mind can be a liberating experience.

A good relationship is like a strong cloth that wraps us up. During moments of tension, we express our thoughts and emotions. This process of expression is like stretching the cloth. The cloth will become bigger and contain us in the relationship. Some relationships are like a cloth that will tear if stretched. Once there is a moment of tension, it will become unstable and unable to contain us.

If this inflexible fabric bursts, let it burst. This moment of tension can bring us benefits.

First, we can face conflict head-on, letting strong emotions and thoughts flow out. Second, conflict has two functions: enhancing and screening.

Tension helps us see what's wrong in a relationship and decide which ones are worth keeping.

I hope you can get out of it soon. I hope my answer helps.

Hello, I am Zen Tea for Life, and I see you as I see myself.

It seems that the questioner has given a great deal of thought to their questions. They appear to be a girl who lives a very meticulous life. While pursuing perfection can be a personal pursuit, excessive pursuit of perfection may result in severe restriction and prevent one from living life to its fullest. I empathize with the questioner's efforts and feelings of helplessness, and I send you a warm hug from afar, reassuring you that the natural you is actually very perfect!

I'm in my thirties and in my second relationship, but I've noticed that I still carry a heavy "idol burden." When we meet, I always make sure that I look my best, from my makeup to my clothes. I try to be mindful of maintaining a positive and engaging presence at all times.

The questioner highlighted their age and the number of times they have been in love, and then brought up their "idol burden." Could it be that they are trying to express that they are old? That they have been in love before and are a little insecure?

Or am I afraid that my boyfriend won't like me for being my true self? Could it be that I have to compensate for this by dressing up elaborately and not daring to show the slightest slack?

In a relationship, dressing appropriately for the first meeting shows respect for the other person. However, as the relationship grows, you naturally begin to show your true self to the other person. You are a couple who enjoys the warmth and romance of your free time and savor the sweet and sour taste of love. I suggest that the questioner consider dressing casually when going out with her boyfriend. Just be clean and comfortable. This way, you will be more down-to-earth, more in touch with reality, and more relaxed. This approach may help you enjoy the sweetness of love.

Additionally, I tend to be indirect in my communication. I'm often hesitant to speak directly about my needs and requests, and I try to be as kind and gentle as I can with others. I don't always directly express my preference for a particular restaurant, and I'm sometimes reluctant to tell him that I don't celebrate my birthday according to the Gregorian calendar, but according to the lunar calendar.

I often find myself hesitant to make requests, perhaps because I've been taught to be a good child and to rarely make demands of others.

I tend to keep things inside and often find myself lacking the courage to speak up when I want to say something. I'm really feeling the fatigue. How can I improve?

It's important to remember that relationships are a two-way street. Neither person should feel like they have to put themselves through the wringer to excessively accommodate the other. It would be helpful to understand why the questioner is reluctant to "speak directly" and "dare not speak." Is it because they feel that the man is very good and they like him very much, and they are afraid of losing him?

Do you still feel there's a gap between you and the guy, and that you're a little inferior? Or is it just a habit from being a good girl for so many years?

Being in love is a process of getting to know each other better. The process of understanding is more of an exchange through words and deeds. Communication is an important part of getting to know each other's preferences, letting the other person know your basic living habits and preferences, and understanding each other's values. It's important to consider whether you and your partner are ready to join hands and walk into the beautiful marriage hall and grow old together. There are many ways to communicate. For example, if you say that you don't celebrate the Gregorian calendar birthday but the lunar calendar birthday, you can ask him, "Do you want to celebrate the lunar or the Gregorian calendar birthday?" After he tells you, you can say, "Here, we don't celebrate the Gregorian calendar birthday but the lunar calendar birthday." If you want to express that you don't like the restaurant, you can just tell your boyfriend next time, "I don't like the food here, can we go to another restaurant?" It's important to consider how your boyfriend will react. I believe that if your partner truly loves you and treasures your words, he will be very happy to wait for your answer and discuss with you where to eat better.

Consider opening your heart to your boyfriend. Allow him to come in, get to know you, and share in your joys and sorrows. I believe this is an example of what love can look like.

I hope this is of some help to you. I and many others around the world hold you in high regard.

Hello, question asker! I'm Jiang 61, and I'm going to answer your question.

I understand that you want to look good and make a good impression. But you are also afraid of expressing your true feelings and deliberately hiding your personality, which affects your interpersonal relationships. You want to know how to break through.

Let's take a look at the strengths and weaknesses of your personality and find a breakthrough.

1. Your personality

1⃣️, someone who is serious and strives for perfection

You have been in two relationships and dress up carefully every time you meet, because you know how important it is to make a good impression. You are a very conscientious person who strives for perfection in everything, including how you speak to people.

2⃣️, Care about what others think

You meticulously groom yourself, wear rimmed glasses instead of contact lenses, and project an image of academic excellence. You likely also deliberately select your attire, demonstrating a keen awareness of your appearance and a reluctance to make a negative impression. Simultaneously, you are hesitant to speak up and express your needs when interacting with others, concealing your true self.

All of this shows that you care a lot about what other people think. You are insecure inside, and you're afraid that other people will stay away from you.

3⃣ Habits cultivated since childhood

Your conscientiousness and concern for other people's opinions were formed by your family environment when you were young and have become part of your character. The other part is your innate character.

Character is formed by the family environment. It's a simple fact. People who are cautious in what they say and do have developed this character after being suppressed by their parents for a long time.

I believe that at least one of your parents is short-tempered and dominant. You are often scolded and told to obey your parents.

As a young person, you were too afraid to rebel, worried that you would offend them and be met with even more rebuke and rejection. You feel insecure around this person. At home, you will do everything carefully and cautiously, trying to win your parents' approval or praise and affection.

You don't speak up much because you're afraid of being criticized or questioned by others. You hide your true self because you're afraid of losing friends.

As you grew up, you developed a cautious and prudent character.

Your partner's character is something you were born with. You are naturally sensitive, perfection-seeking, pessimistic, passive, and prone to dwelling on things.

You can quickly pick up on the messages your parents send you and quickly conform to their expectations. You hope that your parents will value you and not give up on you, otherwise you will feel uneasy. You really want to be yourself, but you rarely do because you are afraid.

When parents are strong, children tend to fall into two categories: those who are strong and confront their parents, and those who are submissive and do as they're told. Given your character as a good boy who rarely made demands when you were young, you clearly fall into the latter category.

4⃣ The inner child

You care about what other people think, which means you still have a child inside you who is afraid of losing the attention, love, and approval of adults. You deliberately cater to others, close your heart, and are unwilling to let yourself grow up.

2. Strengths and weaknesses

Your meticulous nature and pursuit of perfection help you avoid mistakes. You see things others don't, giving you a competitive edge.

You don't make many friends because you are cautious. You only have a few close friends. You care too much about what other people think. You lack the ability to express your own thoughts. You often agree with others, which makes you feel lost and insecure. You don't have many friends because you lack confidence.

3. Break through

You want to change the status quo. You need to break free from caring what others think and learn to be yourself.

1⃣️, understand your true inner feelings.

You're already feeling tired and want to change, which is great. You've got my support. To change your current situation, you must first understand the true feelings you experience every time you are afraid to speak your mind:

You're afraid of being rejected, aren't you?

Are you afraid that no one will talk to you?

Don't be afraid of not being noticed.

Don't be afraid of not being linked.

Don't be afraid of being looked down upon.

Don't be afraid of losing face.

You should be afraid of not being close.

You're afraid of not being loved.

Don't be afraid that others won't accept your love.

Don't be afraid that others won't see what you've done.

...

When fear arises, one must act. One must please others and show oneself in order to gain links, love, attention, and to be seen.

Once you know how you feel, imagine what will happen if you don't do this. You will not lose connection and love.

I refuse to believe that I will not get any attention or be seen. What will happen to me if I am wrong?

Is it more difficult? Are you depressed?

Or do you feel relaxed? You can focus better on what you want to do.

Write down your feelings.

2⃣️, express yourself bravely.

After noting your feelings, change yourself. First, face people, things, and objects with courage and express your thoughts and feelings.

Afterwards, experience your own feelings, whether you are happy or sad, and understand why you are happy or sad. Then decide what to do next: continue to try or adjust your strategy.

3⃣ Be your own master.

Once you've tried to express yourself, you'll find yourself. You'll see a grown-up child who doesn't care what others think and has learned to control his emotions and his mind.

Dress the way you want to be seen. Don't create psychological obstacles for yourself. Be the master of your own life.

4⃣️. Deliberate practice

Change doesn't happen overnight. Deliberate practice is key to shifting your focus from the feelings of others to your own. Persist, and it will become a new habit, forming a new character of yours. Your life will change qualitatively between deliberate efforts.

You will see the results of the changes. Good luck!

Hello! I can see that you've put a lot of thought into our meeting. You value your interactions with each other and have a good impression that you can continue to interact in the future.

But this preparation sometimes makes you feel tired and you want to relax a bit. You want others to understand the real you.

When it comes to your true self and your true thoughts, you see that you've always made compromises, that you've been a good child since you were little, and that you've rarely made demands.

You also want to make some changes.

Yes, interacting with people and telling them your true thoughts is the only way for others to get to know the real you. The more you get along like this, the more enjoyable it becomes.

If you don't tell him directly what you want to eat in a restaurant or what dish you want to eat, he won't know what you really like. He can only guess, but if he guesses wrong, you pretend to still enjoy it, and others think he makes you happy that way, when in fact you are not happy inside.

If he truly understands that you're not happy, it'll probably affect your relationship.

In any case, you now understand yourself, and you've grown up in an environment where you can't express your true thoughts straightforwardly. And if you suddenly let yourself change now, it's still unlikely because long-term habits can't be achieved overnight.

We can take it slow. Why don't you try putting your thoughts down in a letter or in some other way?

Greetings. I am the place of peace.

It is imperative that you dress in a meticulous manner each time you encounter your partner. It is crucial to avoid any form of negligence. From a logical perspective, it should be an enjoyable experience for a woman in love to dress in an exquisite manner. However, you seem to experience fatigue when confronted with this expectation.

I would like to propose a few questions for your consideration.

During childhood, one's expressions of thoughts and feelings were not understood or supported by parents or other relatives. Instead, such expressions were met with criticism, being labeled as wrong or bad.

Such actions would result in a loss of positive regard from others.

In order to be perceived as a "good child" by one's caregivers, it is necessary to abandon one's authentic self and instead present a facade of compliance and perfection. Have you ever experienced this phenomenon?

As a result of the unconscious processes that occur during the course of maturation, these thoughts have become deeply ingrained in the individual's cognitive processes, leading to a cessation of self-expression and the suppression of one's authentic self on a repeated basis.

In the text, you indicated that you are in your thirties and in your second relationship. It may be inferred from this that you attach great importance to this relationship and hope that you can find happiness this time.

Thus, one must present oneself at one's best, while simultaneously exhibiting obedience and refraining from expressing one's genuine thoughts. This is believed to facilitate the growth and stability of the relationship. Have you ever considered these thoughts?

One might inquire, however, whether consideration has been given to a potential outcome. Should the relationship progress in a favorable manner and culminate in marriage, what would be the course of action?

Do you wish to persist in maintaining the pretense of a persona that you have constructed in order to uphold your previous image? If so, for how long do you anticipate that you will be able to do so?

Although it is commonly asserted that individuals should be encouraged to express themselves, it is evident that this is a challenging undertaking. The transformation of deeply entrenched beliefs and behaviors can be arduous without a robust commitment to change and a persistent belief in the necessity of that change.

However, when one raises this issue on the platform, it indicates that one is already aware that this is a problem that requires resolution and seeks assistance in doing so.

Attaining this level of awareness represents a significant milestone in the process of personal growth and development.

It may be beneficial to take a moment to calm down, reflect on past experiences, identify the "inner child" within, and provide her with understanding and support. Affirming that you see her, understand her feelings, and will be there to support her in expressing her true self can be a helpful step.

Henceforth, it is no longer necessary to attempt to please others by suppressing one's true thoughts and feelings. One has the right to express these thoughts and feelings.

It is imperative to maintain the conviction that, regardless of circumstances, one is deserving of comprehension, acceptance, respect, and affection.

It must be acknowledged that this is not a process that can be completed in a short period of time. However, if one is willing and believes in the possibility of change, one can begin with small steps. These steps might include, for example, having a cup of milk tea, eating a small snack, or selecting a few trinkets.

When one begins to make deliberate, incremental changes, one's self-awareness will concomitantly increase, and one's inner strength will concomitantly grow stronger. As one's inner strength grows, one will have the courage to express oneself.

It is imperative to recognize that external sources cannot provide salvation; it is intrinsic to the individual. When one attains the awareness to assist oneself and acts with fortitude, the fruits of a transformed self will undoubtedly manifest.

It is my sincere hope that you will embrace the opportunity to live your life to its fullest potential.

Hello, question asker!

Reading your words, I feel as if I am seeing my former self. I can especially understand your helplessness and confusion, and I'm here to help! I feel so low, so low that I feel like I am in the dust, but I'm ready to help you get back up!

There are two main things you can work on to help you feel more confident!

First, in front of your boyfriend, you have a heavy "idol burden." You have to dress up very nicely when you meet, which is a great opportunity to show off your style! It seems that you care a lot about what others think of you, that you care a lot about other people's opinions, that you care a lot about what others say about you, and that you want to show others the perfect version of yourself, someone who is beyond reproach. However, there is no such thing as 100% perfect, and that's okay! You try so hard to present the best version of yourself, and it makes me feel so inspired to see you putting your best foot forward. You are afraid that if others see your true, imperfect self, they won't like you and will start to dislike you, right?

You are afraid of being abandoned, which triggers an internal fear. This is a feeling you have known since childhood. When you were little, if you didn't do something well, you would be criticized, scolded, and even told that your parents no longer loved you. But you learned to be careful and cautious, doing everything well enough to meet other people's expectations. And you learned that you could feel worthy and worthy of living in this world!

Second, you say that you are someone who is not good at speaking up and who dares not express his needs directly. You have been a good boy since you were little, and you rarely make demands. In fact, as long as you are alive, you will have your own needs. It is not because you were born to be good, but because you were never seen since you were little. The needs you have proposed have either been ignored, not responded to, or blamed by your strict parents for being unreasonable. Or maybe you just think that you can only do what the adults want in order to comply with their intentions. Over time, you learn that you are not allowed to have your own demands, and even if you do, they will never be met. So you stop making demands and just obey the arrangements of others, losing your own subjectivity. But now it's time to turn that around! You can be the best version of yourself. You can have your own needs and express them. You can make your own decisions. You can be your own person. You can be good, and you can be bad. You can do whatever you want!

My dear, it's not your fault. You've grown up. It's time to embrace your inner child! You can protect it now. Tell it, "I'm worth it. I can satisfy myself. I can be myself even if I'm not perfect."

Thank you for your invitation. Many people who enter counseling feel this way. They know what they want, but they also have beliefs and requirements that make them act a certain way. This causes conflict.

Our wishes and the world's expectations often clash. We must consider both.

For example, you can talk to friends or check online sources of information. We also need to be skeptical and curious about the demands we believe in. If you find that there is a difference between the two, it often means that the demands we believe in may have not been re-examined and adjusted for a long time. These were strategies we used in the early years to deal with the external environment. As use causes loss and non-use causes gain, they have been preserved and believed in.

We need to adapt to a new stage in life. If you're ready to try, great. We can find ways to adjust.

If you still feel trapped and in pain, it may mean that there are more complex beliefs that have not been touched. This may mean that you need to explore your thoughts to face the unknown part of your heart.

Hello, I hope this message finds you well. I just wanted to send you a quick hug from across the miles.

After reading your question, I would like to offer my thoughts and insights.

It could be said that it is human instinct to present one's best self when in a relationship, and this seems to apply to both men and women.

In the book The Evolution of Desire: Human Mate Selection Strategies, the author offers an insightful analysis of the evolutionary history of human mate selection strategies, drawing upon insights from a range of fields including psychology, sociology, anthropology, demography, and biology. This book represents a significant contribution to the field of evolutionary psychology.

In essence, this book explores the underlying principles that shape our mating strategies and the criteria and requirements that guide our mate selection.

For instance, it could be said that the male looks at the physical appearance of the female for the sake of future generations, so that the healthiest offspring can inherit his genes. It might also be the case that a physically healthy female often means stronger fertility.

For example, the old saying that women with big hips are good breeders may be seen as a biological guarantee of healthy inheritance.

It is thought that women value the ability of men to provide resources because women need to spend a lot of time getting pregnant and taking care of children. This would suggest that they want men to provide the necessary survival materials for themselves and their children during this time.

It would seem, then, that both sexes will establish and demonstrate their advantages during the courtship stage. Women may demonstrate their youth and health, while men may demonstrate their abilities.

It is also worth noting that as time goes on, both sides consider not only survival and reproduction, but also a number of social factors. For example, a woman's beauty is a scarce resource, and a man may wish to marry a beautiful wife as a way of demonstrating his ability.

Even now, our biological instincts remain with us, deeply ingrained in our subconscious. When seeking a partner, we may be hesitant to mention some of our primal biological needs, instead disguise them in ways that seem more socially acceptable, such as saying "interesting soul" or "more about the heart than the appearance." This is often driven by a fear of being laughed at and looked down upon if we are too direct.

It is worth noting that even if no request is made, this is the default option. It is understandable that men are drawn to women from 18 to 80. It is a simple matter of attraction based on youth and health.

If I might make one more observation, it seems that when we are in a relationship, we instinctively feel the need to dress up and present a version of ourselves that is more appealing to the other person. This applies to both men and women, and it is not necessarily about actual beauty or ugliness. We all try to show the side of ourselves that we believe is more attractive to the opposite sex.

From your question, it seems that your confusion extends beyond simply dressing nicely in a relationship and being unable to speak your mind. It appears that you also have difficulty making requests.

From your description, it seems that your reluctance to make requests may have its roots in your upbringing. You mentioned that you feel afraid of being rejected if you make a request, and that you've always been a "good boy." It's possible that when you were a child, your requests were not met, and you may have received criticism. This could have led to a pattern forming in you, where you feel that your requests will never be met.

This becomes your experience, and even as an adult, you still arrange to be rejected, because you have no experience of not being rejected when you make a request, and no new experience to show that the old experience is wrong. This makes it challenging to develop new experiences. This becomes the paradox of your situation, which can limit your potential for growth and advancement.

I believe that, over the course of a lifetime, there are still instances when a request is met. While the likelihood may be low, there are also times when requests are not met. It's possible that you may have missed these instances of success.

Perhaps it would be helpful for you to learn to ask for things and tell the other person your needs simply and directly.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider all the times in your life when your needs have been met. For instance, when you asked a colleague to pass you a pen and they did it for you. Or when you were out and your package was delivered to the post office, the delivery guy left it there for you.

Perhaps you desired to eat a specific meal, and your mother prepared it for you.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider that you are, in fact, making a request and that someone else is fulfilling it. It may be a small request, and it may seem insignificant to you.

It is also encouraging to see that not all requests are rejected.

You might also consider taking note of which small requests have been met.

Then, if you feel comfortable doing so, you might try making small requests that you were afraid to make before, or that you were afraid to make to a certain person. You can then see how it goes and, if it is really rejected, you can mention it again in a few days. If it is not rejected, you might then consider asking for a little more next time.

It might be helpful to take small steps, one at a time, to accumulate positive new experiences.

You might also consider speaking with a counselor.

I am a counselor who tends to see the world through a lens of optimism and realism. I believe in the power of love and positivity.

Hello, question asker!

It's fantastic that you can ask questions and realize the psychological burden of idolizing someone!

Let's sort out your situation together! 1. You're in your thirties, in your second relationship, and you're ready to take it to the next level. This is shown in the way you dress from head to toe.

2. You're so afraid to make demands and express your needs and emotional responses correctly and reasonably. But you can do it! You can start by choosing a restaurant, celebrating your birthday according to the Gregorian calendar, and facing your current boyfriend with a kind attitude.

3. Psychological motivation: You are worried that if you make a request, you will be rejected. You have been a good boy since you were a child, and you're ready to be more assertive!

4. You know it would feel great to speak your mind, so why not give it a go? You've got this!

Dressing up carefully for dates is a great way to start! In your original family, your parents may have dressed you up like this, dressing you up exquisitely and perfectly, as pretty as Barbie. Positive encouragement is a wonderful thing; after all, it is human nature to love beauty. If you pay too much attention to your appearance, you may develop obsessive symptoms, such as the need to look exquisite from makeup to clothing.

Once you know your own problems, you can start to pay attention to your appearance in a way that feels good to you. You can reduce external attention a little, focus on feeling confident and excellent on the inside, and then your external appearance will naturally become less deliberate.

Your consciousness is stuck in the persona of the good boy from your adolescence, and you are maintaining the consistency of this persona. You think that good boys don't make random demands, so you are afraid to express your true thoughts. But you can change this!

On the one hand, you love being the good boy. It's brought you a lot of pleasure over the years, and you don't want to lose it. On the other hand, you've realised that maintaining this persona is exhausting. This isn't the life you want, so you need to find a new balance. The best way to do this is to say to yourself in the mirror, "I'm the best!"

"I am confident!" Then say what you want! You can even make a wish list. I want to have my birthday according to the lunar calendar and I want to go to ❌❌ restaurant for a feast!

Once you can say what you want without fear in the mirror, it's time to tell your boyfriend what's on your mind! This is a great step to take if you want to change your situation.

You can do it!

I am your guiding light, the world, and I love you!

Hello, question asker!

Being in love is a wonderful thing, and being able to be with someone you like is really great! But this relationship also seems to have added a little burden to you, and that is your "idol burden," which you can easily overcome!

You say that every time you meet your lover, you demand that you look exquisite, from your makeup to your clothes. You want to look your best for them! Besides, you are not someone who dares to speak the "truth," and you dare not speak directly about your needs and demands. You always choose to treat the other person in a particularly kind and gentle manner. Finally, you also say that you have been a good child since you were young and have rarely made demands.

From your description, I can feel that every time you meet your lover, it's like going to war! But even so, you can't seem to get yourself into a different state for the meeting. I think there must be a reason for your persistence!

Let's look at it this way: what are the benefits to you of getting along with the other person?

Dressing up well is a great way to make a good impression and make the other person remember you as beautiful and charming. And choosing to get along with people in a kind manner is a wonderful way to give the impression that you have a good temperament and are very approachable, and therefore more likeable!

If you don't want to be so tired, it may mean you have to give up these benefits. But at the same time, we can also think about it. Do we have to do this if we want to make a good impression on others? Absolutely not! There are plenty of other ways to make a great impression.

Absolutely! There is a way to impress the other person while also allowing us to express our true selves.

I'm the camera-loving Kaka T, and I love you all!

Greetings, question asker. My name is Lingxi.

From your inquiry, it is evident that you are experiencing a profound sense of exhaustion and helplessness. I extend a gesture of support and encouragement from a distance. It is imperative to prioritize self-care and self-love, regardless of external circumstances.

In a relationship, both truth and beauty are of significant importance.

Your meticulous preparation for each date demonstrates your regard for and commitment to this relationship. You consistently strive to present your ideal self to your partner. While love is inherently beautiful, it is also susceptible to fragility in its nascent stages. We often endeavor to meticulously safeguard the image we have crafted, apprehensively anticipating that any misstep might jeopardize the relationship. It is crucial to recognize that, in addition to its outward manifestations, love's genuine essence is equally vital. For a relationship to flourish, it is essential that your partner fully comprehend and accept your authentic self. Only then can this bond mature and flourish. Genuine love is not easily shaken; it can withstand the vicissitudes of life and eventually emerge transformed.

In a relationship, individuals are often reluctant to reveal their authentic selves.

From your description, it appears that you have not yet developed the confidence to express yourself fully, nor have you shared details of your personal habits, such as your favorite restaurants or birthdays. This raises the question of how your boyfriend can possibly know your interests and hobbies and thus gain a deeper understanding of who you are and build a stronger connection with you.

There are numerous reasons why individuals may be reluctant to express themselves. Some are fearful of being rejected, and thus unable to accept this kind of feedback, and thus choose to remain silent. This can be viewed as a form of self-defense. Others are concerned about losing something after expressing themselves. Generally, we are cautious about those or things we value, and thus reluctant to express ourselves freely, for fear of losing or damaging the relationship.

Additionally, there is the fear of being rejected and an inner sense of self-disapproval, or the belief that one is not good enough. There is a perception that making a request will result in feelings of being a nuisance and disobedient. This is likely influenced by the manner in which one interacted with their family of origin. Children who were raised to be obedient from an early age often become accustomed to following their parents' instructions and suppressing their need to express themselves. Over time, this develops into a conditioned reflex and a negative way of thinking. As a result, they may become afraid to express even normal needs and desires, which can lead to a sense of learned helplessness.

Fortunately, you have now become aware of it and have come here to seek answers. With time, these issues will gradually improve.

It is necessary to eliminate conditioned reflexes.

One may consider the practice of meditation as a potential avenue for addressing the issue at hand. By engaging in visualization techniques, one can begin to conceptualize the potential outcomes of expressing the issue at hand. It is essential to ascertain whether these outcomes align with one's personal values and expectations. By confronting the issue directly, one can gradually overcome the associated fear and anxiety.

Hello, question owner!

From your description of the situation, it's clear that you're a sensitive soul with a big heart.

You have an amazing ability to sense other people's emotions, which makes you really thoughtful about your words and actions. You're just so careful not to give off the wrong impression to others.

But overall, you are also more introverted, which gives you the opportunity to really think things through and come up with creative solutions. You lack a certain amount of self-confidence, which means you're open to learning and growth. And you are used to resolving conflicts and problems through internal thinking and giving up your own needs, which shows your resilience and determination.

This is not a good phenomenon. Solving problems by denying one's reasonable needs may protect psychological feelings, but it is not conducive to personality growth. Over time, it is easy to fall into an inferiority complex and always be in a disadvantaged position in real life. But there's no need to worry! You can easily overcome this challenge and start growing your amazing personality.

The questioner mentioned that "wearing glasses instead of contact lenses" and "feeling too tired" seems to be a bit counterintuitive, because wearing contact lenses is actually more of a hassle.

The questioner probably wants to use the frame glasses to show a serious attitude towards the meeting, and wants the other person to feel that they are taking it seriously. This may also imply that the questioner has some appearance anxiety, but we can help with that!

In short, it is recommended that the questioner make some exciting improvements in the following areas:

1. Take your attention away from yourself. Whenever your mind starts thinking about "what haven't I done well?", actively stop this thinking and think about something like "what else haven't I done today?" to distract your attention.

2. Build your self-confidence with a simple mental suggestion! When self-doubt arises, repeat in your mind something like "I'm fine, I'm confident."

3. Make reasonable demands of yourself. When communicating with him, once the idea of a proposal arises, seize the opportunity to put it out there first in an "inquiry" manner, without doing any internal thinking.

And the best part is, even if the other person doesn't agree, you'll still respect them fully and won't have to worry about affecting the relationship!

I wish you the absolute best of luck in your relationship!

I can see how you are meticulously safeguarding your relationship with your partner, maintaining a constant vigilance and avoiding any lapses in commitment. I empathize with your situation.

Being in love is a positive experience for all parties involved. During the initial stages of a relationship, it is common for individuals to strive to impress their partner and exercise caution to ensure the longevity of the relationship. However, as the relationship matures, most couples tend to embrace their authentic selves. This phase often presents a heightened level of vulnerability, as issues that were previously overlooked may emerge. For instance, a formerly attractive partner may display a lack of personal care.

It is important to note that if you desire a stable, long-term relationship, it is essential to discard your idol image as soon as possible and return to being your authentic self. Maintaining an idol image in everyday life can lead to significant fatigue.

I am unsure if your concerns are rooted in past experiences that have led you to believe that your true self will not be loved or accepted, potentially causing the other person to be cautious in your relationship.

To avoid fatigue, I recommend implementing behavioral experiments. Communicate your feelings and desires to your partner by highlighting specific observations made during shared experiences. For instance, prior to the next meal, you could inform your partner of your preference for Restaurant A. Observe his response. Will he demonstrate respect for your feelings?

As couples are typically considerate of each other, simply mentioning your preference is usually sufficient. If your partner is not amenable to your suggestion, you can discuss other options together. These minor adjustments and experiments are unlikely to cause any issues. You can proceed with confidence.

Consider this a preliminary experiment. Best of luck!

I am Qu Huidong, a psychological counselor who employs imagery as a communication tool.

In response to your inquiry, I am prompted to liken the subject in question to a fragile glass doll.

In order to guarantee the idealization of her image,

Such vigilance is imperative.

It is a challenging and exhausting process.

From the perspective of depth psychology,

This phenomenon is referred to as the "personality mask."

The identification of a personality mask is regarded as an integral aspect of typical developmental processes.

It is indicated that the initial half of an individual's life is primarily focused on the formation of a personality mask and the development of the self.

The formation of personality masks is a consequence of the necessity for communication and the subject's adaptation to the social environment.

Its function is twofold: to safeguard the mind from harm and to obscure a person's essence.

As the "mental interface between the individual and society," it represents the individual's social identity.

Personality masks are entities that are not an accurate representation of reality, yet are perceived as such by oneself or others.

The questioner stated that, from childhood onwards, he has consistently demonstrated characteristics of obedience and sensibility.

The mask of the "good boy" is so firmly in place that he is unable to remove it.

The question thus arises as to whether we wish to assume ownership of our masks or allow them to assume ownership of us.

Indeed, it has been acknowledged that the capacity to be possessed by one's personality mask has been lost.

Identifying one's own masks is a relatively straightforward process.

However, it requires greater courage and awareness to discern the underlying shadows beneath the persona.

This is the aspect of the self that we are most reluctant to engage with and become.

A considerable amount of this suppression occurs at an unconscious level, beyond the scope of conscious awareness.

The shadow can be defined as the hidden or unconscious psychological dimension within an individual that encompasses all those aspects of the self that the individual is reluctant to acknowledge or accept.

As the personality mask becomes more decent, the shadow becomes darker.

To illustrate, beneath a seemingly agreeable persona may lurk anger, disparagement, and estrangement.

This may also be an opportunity to discern the complexes and desires that are associated with one's "disliked appearance."

What kind of complexes and desires are there? It is a fundamental tenet of psychology that no feeling arises from nothing.

Every emotional state is underpinned by a narrative that has been repressed.

These unrecognized desires can be considered the shadows of our psyche.

Furthermore, it is the capacity to transform oneself.

I am eager to learn more about the deeply buried stories that you have experienced.

The process of integrating one's shadow and personality masks is facilitated by this approach.

One should endeavor to enjoy life more freely and abundantly.

I wish you the best of success in your endeavors.

Hello, question owner!

From what you've told me, it seems like you approach the opposite sex like you're going into battle, fully armed to fight them. This kind of battle is a battle of the mind as well as a battle of actions. It's totally normal to be afraid that the other person will dislike you, but it seems like you're also struggling to accept your own behavior.

It's totally normal to want to show the good side of yourself to others. But if you're not accepting your true self, it can end up making you more tired than you need to be. Try to remember that everyone has good and bad sides, and that's okay!

It's totally normal to have insecurities about yourself, including your actions and words. But here's the thing: your thoughts don't define you. You are so much more than the things you do and say. So, take a moment to look at yourself with kindness and see if you feel confident in who you are.

It's totally normal to feel unsure of yourself sometimes. We all have doubts, and that's okay! The good news is that there are ways to boost your confidence. Try doing things that nourish you and build your courage, like reading, exercising, or anything else that brings you joy. When we take care of ourselves, we naturally become more confident. And with confidence, we can learn to accept ourselves and others. So, don't be too hard on yourself. Just try to be kind to yourself and show the world your true, beautiful self. You've got this!

I really hope my answer is helpful to you!

Hello! I can totally relate to what you said. I know how tiring it can be to feel this constant tension in a relationship. It's natural to feel worried when you're constantly on your guard. If this situation persists, it's only natural to be afraid of saying the wrong thing or coming across as lazy when interacting with others. We've all been there!

This kind of situation can happen a lot, because if we're always feeling this way, we might accidentally do something that makes things worse.

1

I'd say this kind of situation is pretty common in relationships. It's a win-win! You get to spend time with someone you enjoy, and you get to take care of their needs.

If this is more suitable for short-term interpersonal interactions, but in a longer-term relationship, the other person may also feel a bit suppressed. It's so important to remember that you will feel very tired and it will be difficult to satisfy many of your needs.

In a long-term intimate relationship, you may sometimes feel a bit aggrieved. If the other person doesn't know your needs, it can be tricky to feel nourished by the relationship. One day, when you're feeling tired, you might have to choose to give up. The other person may also feel frustrated because they often can't guess your thoughts, or simply stop considering your needs.

This can unfortunately lead to a period of indifference in the relationship, which is not at all conducive to the development and growth of the relationship.

In response to this, you need to remind yourself that everyone has emotional needs, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that! You can express your thoughts in the relationship and hope that the other person can meet your needs. This is an essential element of a mature intimate relationship—meeting the core needs of both parties.

2

Secondly, you mentioned that you rarely made requests when you were younger. It's totally understandable! We all get into the habit of doing things a certain way without even realizing it. You can try the communication method of non-violent communication to help you start making requests again.

It's so easy to get stuck in the "expressing needs" stage! We might say the wrong thing or not be able to express ourselves clearly. We might want to say "I love you, I miss you," but end up saying "It's up to you, it doesn't matter."

Have you ever wondered why this is? Well, it's because we express our needs with emotions.

We all have needs, and behind every emotion is a need. When we want to express our true needs, non-violent communication is a great way to do it.

Nonviolent communication is all about being open and honest with each other. It's a way of communicating that involves describing the facts, expressing feelings, stating needs, and making requests.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I didn't get any verbal blessings or gifts from you (describe the facts). I feel a little sad (express feelings) because I was hoping to have a little ritual during the holidays, like expressing my love with gifts, which would make me feel that you love me (state needs).

For example, yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I didn't receive any verbal blessings or gifts from you (describe the facts). I feel a little sad (express feelings) because I was hoping for a little ritual during holidays, such as expressing my love with gifts, which would make me feel that you love me (state needs). I hope that in the future, on important days such as Valentine's Day and anniversaries, we can receive gifts from you, which will better enhance our relationship and interaction (express requests).

I'd love to know your thoughts on this. Do you think that's okay?

I'd love to know how you think the other person will feel when we express our needs in this way.

I'd love to know how you think the other person will feel when we express our needs in this way.

In this exercise, there are two very important parts. When you're describing the facts, try to be free of judgment. This will help the other person to listen to your real needs. The other part is stating your needs. It's really important to know what you need, and it's something that the other person can do. This will help you both to find a way to compromise.

The wonderful thing about "non-violent communication" is that it helps us express our needs without judgment. This makes it easier for the other person to understand us and be more willing to receive the message we want to convey.

3

Third, you're worried that if you make a request, you'll be rejected. This might be related to your upbringing. Maybe you've had experiences in the past where you made a request and it was rejected, or you had some other experience that made you feel like you shouldn't make requests.

This part of the words may need to be dealt with separately, but in our grown-up relationships, if the other person rejects and dislikes us because of the reasonable demands we make, we can choose to reject such a relationship.

I really hope the above points will be helpful to you. You can also be a little bolder in the relatively safe environment now and make a little breakthrough. For example, start by making a small request and then gradually expand it to include your own needs and ideas.

Life is an adventure! It's full of twists and turns, but it's also a journey of growth and learning. We're not the same kids we were in the past. We're now adults with so many tools in our toolbox to navigate life's challenges.

Give yourself a little more love and kindness, and try a little more, and you might just find a whole new you! I really hope you can find tenderness in your relationship and be treated tenderly by the world.

Give yourself a little more love and kindness, and try a little more, and you might just find a whole new side of yourself. I really hope you can find lots of tenderness in your relationships and be treated with lots of love by the world.

Hello!

I can feel your worry and care when I read your description.

When in love, girls dress up carefully to show how important the relationship is to them. They are happy and don't feel tired while doing it.

When you're in love, you also get to know each other. You appreciate, respect, understand, and care about each other. There will be minor frictions and conflicts, which is normal. This is how you can have a more authentic experience! It's also essential in a relationship. If you don't show yourself authentically, it'll be fake and tiring!

Then, there will be unexpected things in this relationship. You can't hide it for a moment, let alone for the rest of your life!

I want to chat with you about this.

You said, "I'm in my thirties and in my second relationship, and I still have a heavy 'idol burden.' When we meet, I always demand that I look exquisite.

For example, wearing glasses instead of contacts. I feel tired when I'm all dressed up like this.

You don't like your "idol burden" and you're tired of dressing up so much! You have to keep doing this, even though this is your second relationship. You said "still," which shows that you were like this the first time, and it didn't go well. I'm not saying that your first relationship is why you feel this way, but it's probably part of it.

Have you ever thought about why you think this way?

Have you ever thought about the consequences of being a little negligent?

Did you always try to be perfect?

Are you always the "icon" image? Is this how you usually are, unable to face your true self?

Is it like that in a relationship?

You say, "I'm always worried that if I ask for something, I'll be rejected. I've always been a good child, and I've rarely asked for things. I always keep things inside, and I never have the courage to speak up. I really feel tired."

From childhood to adulthood, you have always suppressed yourself, afraid to express your feelings. You have tried to please others to be called a "good boy," but you are not happy.

You want to change, so you've come for help. Good for you! You've finally become aware, you're reflecting on things, and you want to change.

What are the benefits of being a good boy? What problems does it cause?

When I was a child, I was a good boy too. Being a good boy gets you recognition, praise, and compliments from others. Who doesn't want that?

I was a good child, but it caused me trouble. I liked clothes but was afraid to ask my parents for them. I suppressed my desires and didn't get new clothes. I was envious of other children's nice clothes and thought I didn't deserve new clothes. I also liked food but was afraid to eat it because I thought I was being inconsiderate. I missed out on delicious food. I was just a child, and being a "good child" made me afraid to be true to myself. I was timid, inferior, vain, and often felt guilty and blamed myself. I envied other people's "true appearance." I was conflicted and doubted myself. This feeling was painful! I don't know what kind of experience the original poster had.

Each of us has an inner child. She influences our growth. We are the same. Our inner child tells us to be good and not make demands. We don't like this and feel tired. This is a contradiction. We want to solve it ourselves. Fortunately, we have become aware and want to change. Let's heal our inner child. Let her grow up. The inner child and the real us will become one. We will feel comfortable being our true selves. We will feel relaxed and happy.

From now on, do the things you like, say what you want, dress for dates, and be comfortable with yourself. Have the courage to express your thoughts. I think he'll appreciate you more.

Everyone is different and deserves respect. If everything in nature was the same, there'd be no fun or meaning.

What do you think?

Listen to "Shi Qijia's Psychological Growth Class: Healing the Inner Child and Activating Your Inner Energy."

Embrace your inner child to embrace your true self. It's rewarding!

I hope my answer helps!

Good luck! Be yourself!

Love you! ?