What is the deal with being jealous? How do I change it?

Dear Question Asker, From your question, it is evident that you are inclined to experience feelings of jealousy. You have also formulated a series of hypotheses about yourself, such as the possibility that you may be overly possessive.

It is evident that you will experience feelings of sadness and loss due to the neglect of others, which is an unpleasant experience. However, you have transformed these emotions into feelings of jealousy, likely due to the unmet emotional needs within your life.

As a result of this process, you will gain a heightened sense of cognitive and self-awareness abilities. In this exercise, you are invited to reflect on your interactions with your mother during your childhood. It appears that your mother was more engaged with and invested in the lives of other children, which may have led you to perceive a lack of care and attention from her. You may have experienced feelings of emotional deprivation at an early age, and this sense of deprivation was potentially reinforced or even intensified when you felt that your mother was more invested in and concerned about other children than you.

During childhood, the inability to resist the loss and lack of attention, coupled with an inability to communicate with one's mother in a timely manner to express needs and feelings, resulted in the formation of an insecure attachment to the mother figure.

As a result of various factors, individuals often fail to express their genuine emotions in a timely manner when their emotional needs are not met. This can lead to a lack of attachment in intimate relationships and, in some cases, perpetuate an incomplete attachment to a mother figure from childhood. However, as individuals mature, their emotional experiences become more complex and nuanced. They are no longer solely defined by helplessness and sadness. Instead, they possess the capacity and circumstances to regulate their emotions and the strength to resist helplessness and loss. In response to this loss, they may transform it into anger, which manifests as "jealousy."

It is not inherently challenging to implement changes. As long as one is able to identify the source of their emotional needs, learn to express their feelings in an appropriate manner, verbalize them, and allow the other person to comprehend and acknowledge them.

The capacity to recognize and articulate one's emotions, to be acknowledged, observed, and cared for, and to experience the catharsis of emotional release, can facilitate the resolution of dissatisfaction and jealousy over time.

It is recommended that you begin this process today. You should endeavor to learn to articulate your true feelings by saying things like, "I'm a little upset, I feel like you're too far away from me, I need you to care about me a little more," and so on.

It is my sincere hope that this information will prove beneficial.

Dear Questioner,

Greetings!

First, I will offer a warm embrace and reassure you that you are deserving of the best things in life and the love you desire.

Secondly, we will address the issue at hand.

1. You experience distress when your friend engages in social interaction with others, and you feel a degree of discomfort when you observe your friend engaged in conversation with other individuals, despite being aware that your friend cannot exclusively rely on you as a source of companionship.

The questioner is distressed that their feline companion may exhibit a preference for another individual, despite the fact that the animal in question is a cat.

It appears that you are aware that love can be a selfish emotion, yet you question whether your possessiveness is a cause for concern.

As a child emotional intelligence coach, I am compelled to acknowledge the appeal of the questioner, who not only attracts the affection of others but also that of animals.

The reason for this phenomenon can be found in the question itself.

The subject displays a notable deficiency in the experience of love. The primary causal factor for this deficit is a form of childhood trauma.

1. During one's formative years, parental attention was lacking. Emotional needs were not met, time was not spent together, communication was minimal, and understanding of inner needs was absent. This has resulted in the development of a character that borders on depression.

2. The concern your mother displays for other children has resulted in a psychological gap in your upbringing. Your mother may outwardly demonstrate care and warmth towards the children who visit, which creates a discrepancy within you, leading to the assumption that your mother's affection is not exclusive to you. You may even find yourself longing to be the child of a different family, one where your mother's care is more readily available. This discrepancy has a profound impact on your emotional well-being, leaving you with a sense of being unloved.

3. As a consequence of this prolonged emotional deprivation, an individual may experience feelings of insecurity and unhappiness, a reluctance to engage in communication with their parents, and a lack of a reliable outlet for self-expression. This can lead to a withdrawal from social interactions, an increasing tendency towards introversion, and a reluctance to communicate or interact with friends, which in turn may result in the formation of communication barriers.

The question thus arises as to how these problems can be solved.

1. Demonstrate your affection for your mother. Offer your mother a hug and verbalize your love for her. You will likely receive a positive response. Your mother may be so delighted that she becomes emotional, or she may joyfully reply, "I love you too!"

The long-lost expression of your mother will dissipate the accumulated doubt and worry that have accumulated over the years. It is important to note that your mother is the individual in your life who holds the greatest degree of love for you. She has consistently presumed that you are aware of her affection, and has been awaiting your demonstration of love in return. It is evident that your mother's love for you has never been absent; it is merely a matter of verbal expression.

From the moment of physical contact with one's mother, the individual experiences a profound sense of emotional and physical well-being.

2. It is imperative to cultivate genuine self-love. Rather than being a person who lacks love, pursues it, or seeks it, it is essential to become the very embodiment of love.

It is imperative to love oneself, to read more in order to enrich and improve oneself, to exercise more in order to maintain one's health and activity, and to give more in order to allow love to flow. When one is full of energy on a daily basis, one is the essence of love, a person overflowing with love. There is no reason to seek love elsewhere when one will attract more people and more love.

3. It is recommended that you engage with society. This may be achieved by communicating with friends and exchanging ideas, joining different circles and groups to enrich your social experience, expressing yourself in a courageous manner, and living your true self.

Following a period of practice, it is likely that you will become a person who is liked by all. Your sense of humor and joy will also have a positive effect on many people, and you will enjoy the benefits of harmonious social relationships.

It is recommended that students follow their instructors' guidance and advice. Each piece of advice is designed to be effective, and students are encouraged to test its efficacy.

Hello! I'm giving you a 360-degree hug.

I like to be jealous. It's a lack of security and a lack of control over uncertainty, plain and simple.

For example, if you play games with a friend and that friend only plays with you, you feel safe and secure. You feel in control because she is with me. But if your friend plays with other people, you might think, "I'm not the only one. She might not play with me anymore."

You are afraid of the possible future changes in this relationship.

You stated that when other children from grade 4 come to your house, your mother is very welcoming, and you are unhappy. You even believe that if you were someone else's child, your mother would care about you warmly.

Frankly, I am more enthusiastic towards other people's children who come occasionally. This is a kind of adult social routine. The more enthusiastic you are, the more distant you are.

You get closer by being casual.

My child also complains that I treat my nephews better than her. Let me be clear: my nephews only come occasionally, and when they do, I give them toys, buy them treats, and play with them.

I do all these things for her too, but I can't do them without her every day. She knows where the toys are and can play with them whenever she wants.

She knows where the good food is, and she can eat whatever she wants. As for playing with her, I can't play with her all the time because I have to work.

The child doesn't understand this, and she thinks you're not playing with her. She thinks you don't love her anymore. Every time you cry and make a scene, you don't love her anymore. You love XXXX, and it's driving her crazy.

I told her, "Look, when you go to your uncle's house, your uncle and aunt give you delicious food and toys, and your younger brother is willing to give you his old things. I'm just as capable of giving them something to eat when they come to our house.

I tried to reason with her, but she wouldn't listen. So, I told her firmly that we wouldn't go to Uncle's house and that Uncle wouldn't come to our house. I made it clear that I loved them both, but that I loved her more.

She has made some progress on this front as she has gotten older. When there is something good, I tell her to share it with her brothers and sisters. She may take more for herself, but she is willing to share some.

She will understand when she grows up.

I am certain that when I was a child, similar things happened. However, children and adults have different perspectives. Adults respond to other people's children coming to their home as a matter of social etiquette, and because they are outsiders, they are more polite.

The child sees their parents as very enthusiastic about other people. This enthusiasm is concentrated, while the parents' enthusiasm and care are scattered throughout their daily lives.

In that situation, the child is unable to think of the usual parental love, and it is inevitable that they will be unhappy.

It is, in essence, a crisis of uncertainty.

Let's get back to your jealousy. This is a bit of a digression.

Think about what your life would be like if you really lost this friend. What catastrophic consequences would there be? How would these consequences affect your life, and do you have a way to deal with them?

If you're afraid, it's because you don't know how to handle these problems. Uncertainty is the answer to a sense of security.

If you can cope with uncertainty, do so. Accept it cognitively. Improve your abilities.

Cognitive acceptance means accepting that uncertainty is the norm. There is nothing in this world that is completely certain. The only certain thing is that the world is uncertain. For example, there will be earthquakes. Things may not fall from the sky, but they may fall into traps or be thrown from a great height. In other words, there are many things that are beyond our control.

These things are completely out of our control as individuals. There is no other way than to accept it.

You can try to win them back, but you can't force someone to stay. It's the same with uncertainty.

Accept the uncertainty of people and things.

You have the ability to feel secure. You can handle rare events.

If a friend breaks up, you think, "I can still find other friends, and even if I don't have any friends, I still have myself."

Let's take job loss as an example. Many people are afraid of losing their jobs, but what they're really afraid of is dealing with the consequences of losing their jobs. If you lose your job, you will no longer have an income, and you will have to find a new job. You will have to worry about whether you will be disliked during the interview, etc. In short, they do not have enough psychological resilience and work ability to quickly recover from unemployment.

You give yourself a sense of security, and others can give it to you or take it away. Only what you give yourself will last. Accept that you are afraid of others leaving you and of uncertainty. Then improve yourself in terms of your knowledge and abilities so that you can calmly deal with the uncertainty in your life.

Life is a gift, for better or for worse.

You should also talk to a counselor.

I am a counselor who is both Buddhist and pessimistic, but I can also be positive and motivated when I need to be. The world and I love you.

Hello, questioner!

You feel your distress and confusion, as if you were saying, "What's wrong with me? Let's figure it out together!"

Oh, how old are you? And do you have any other siblings?

Oh, I'd love to know how many siblings you have! And I'm really interested in how you were brought up.

I'd love to know how parents get along with each other and how they get along with friends and colleagues!

I'm so excited to learn more about how you get along with your parents! By asking so many questions, I mainly want to understand why you are troubled.

Guess what! Based on my analysis, I've come up with the following points:

I'm so excited to tell you that, based on the problem you're experiencing, it seems you're in the "dual relationship" stage!

Psychoanalysis has revealed that children develop in three amazing stages according to three types of relationships before the age of six. The first stage is the symbiotic relationship, which lasts from birth to six months. During this time, the infant feels physically and psychologically one with the mother.

The period from 6 to 36 months is a truly fascinating time! It's when the child becomes aware of the other person as an independent being with their own feelings and will. This marks the beginning of the child's separation from the mother, which is a huge step in their development.

The main characteristics of relationships at this stage are control, who is in charge, and loyalty to each other. This is an exciting stage where you can really explore your relationships and see who you can trust and rely on.

In a binary world, children think of their mother as a better existence and are good to their mother, while projecting badness onto their father. This makes the father the prototype of the "enemy" of all children. But there's hope! As a father, you can be tolerant and convey goodwill to your children so that they can slowly integrate their views of their father. The father has both good and bad sides, and children have both good and bad sides too. When children can integrate and see themselves in a ternary relationship with their parents, all three parties have both good and bad sides, but are basically good and have their own independent will. This means that the child has truly entered the ternary relationship stage!

To wrap up, let's look at the big picture.

When you feel that you are the only good person in the world, it's a monadic relationship!

When you feel that you and another person are basically good, it's a binary relationship!

When you feel that you, the people you love, and the people who compete with you are basically good, this is a ternary relationship. The basic characteristics of this stage are competition and cooperation—and it's a wonderful thing!

People in this stage have rich and full interpersonal relationships, showing vibrant vitality, enthusiasm, and infectiousness. This is the ideal relationship model for everyone, and it's a great one to have!

Tension can be high in binary relationships, but there's no need to fret! It's simply a matter of accommodating the "bad" part of them. And who better to do that than a third party? In your interpersonal relationships, this third party is the "other friends" of your friends, the "other people" that your cat prefers, and the "other people's children" that your mother entertains enthusiastically.

You are upset because you seem to have no control over these relationships, and your friends, cat, and mother seem to have betrayed your loyalty. But don't worry! This is an opportunity for growth and learning.

2. I'd love to know more about your family situation and how you were raised!

(1) It's very likely that one of your parents was your main caregiver during your upbringing. Chances are, it was your mother (we'll use the term "mother" in the following). Your father was probably less involved, which means you often became an excuse for resolving conflicts between your parents. Or, in the three-person relationship, you were forced to constantly choose sides, which is known in psychology as "triangulation."

(2) There's another possibility! At least one of the parents might be very controlling, perhaps in the "dual relationship stage," and demand that the child be loyal to them. The child also learns this relationship model.

3. The good news is that you can escape from a "triangulated" relationship! All you have to do is establish an intimate relationship with others. Triangulation is just a ternary relationship that tries to deal with the badness that a binary relationship or even a unary relationship cannot handle. When you feel that you, the person you love, or even the cat, and the third party related to you are all good, you naturally move from the "binary relationship stage" to the "ternary relationship stage"!

4. I'm thrilled to offer a few suggestions that I hope will be helpful!

(1) Take a good, long look at your own relationship patterns at home. Then, establish your own independent boundaries, take no sides, and leave other people's relationships to others. You've got this! Handle the relationships related to yourself alone, and watch your life take off!

(2) Interacting with different people is a great way to learn from other people's patterns and thinking in relationships. It'll help you think more rationally and learn to think from other people's perspectives! Plus, it can enrich your interpersonal relationships and help you break away from a single binary relationship.

(3) If you can, find a professional psychologist to accompany you on your journey of growth. It'll be one of the best decisions you ever make!