What is the fundamental contradiction in intimate relationships and how can it be understood?

Good morning, I am Xin Tan, and I am honored to have this opportunity to discuss this issue of intimate relationships with you.

It's important to recognize that there are no absolute truths. Regardless of the person, thing, or situation, if we shift our perspective, we may find a different outcome.

It's important to recognize that there are no absolutes. Regardless of the person, thing, or situation, a different perspective can often lead to a different outcome.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider that being yourself and doing what he wants are not necessarily contradictory. They may, in fact, be two sides of the same coin. From your own perspective, it's indeed important to "be yourself." After all

It can be seen that there is a similarity between "being just as you are" and "doing whatever he wants." In essence, they represent the same "self." From your own perspective, it's indeed important to "be yourself." After all, from the perspective of "people," everyone is independent and autonomous. It could be said that pleasing others is more important than pleasing yourself.

It may also be helpful to consider meeting his expectations from the other person's perspective. Given the nature of intimacy and relationships, it is important to maintain a sense of self while also taking into account the relationship between the two parties and the other person's feelings.

However, this does not imply that one should give up one's identity or blindly cater to and please the other person. Rather, it is a harmonious relationship based on equality, respect, and trust.

It would be fair to say that intimate relationships are a significant aspect of many people's lives. They can also be seen as a field of study that requires ongoing attention and practice.

From the above, it can be seen that there is no contradiction between "be yourself" and "do what he wants" when viewed from different perspectives. It may seem as though there is a conflict when the respective evaluation criteria are considered, but this is likely due to an underlying obsession with these criteria.

Perhaps it would be helpful to take another look at judgment and stubbornness.

Perhaps it would be helpful to take a moment to consider the relationship between judgment and stubbornness.

Judgment can be defined as the act of using one's own values and standards to evaluate another person or thing. Having values naturally leads to the formation of judgments, which can be understood as beliefs.

Judgment can be defined as the act of using one's own values and standards to evaluate another person or event. It is important to note that having values naturally leads to judgment, and that judgment can be seen as a form of belief.

While judgment can be a valuable tool, if it becomes fixed, it can also lead to stubbornness. Holding on to obsessions may result from limited beliefs caused by limited cognition.

It could be said that stubbornness has the potential to make life less fluid, and may even distort relationships and ultimately destroy them.

It might be said that within the scope of one's own perception, there is judgment, and with one's own values there are standards, and with standards there is judgment.

It is important to recognize that within the scope of one's own perception, there may be instances where judgment deviates from one's own values. Having one's own values entails having standards, and having standards entails having judgment.

"I am who I am, and I believe that I should be able to maintain that identity without having to change it because of someone else's expectations. I think that this is something that can affect relationships, particularly intimate ones."

"I am who I am. For the sake of love and better relationships, and without going against my principles and feelings, I am willing to make the necessary changes." Judgments like this can be conducive to the development of relationships.

If a person is fixed, the world will remain at the stage of his perception, and he may lose his curiosity. A fixed person may lose the fluidity of life, and become rigid. In relationships, this may hinder communication. Once fixed, one may find it challenging to listen, and may label the other person. To listen, one might benefit from letting go of one's fixation.

It is therefore possible that fixation may limit possibilities. It may also be the case that it damages the relationship and makes one's life lose its fluidity.

While we cannot change anyone else, we can certainly change ourselves. When we make changes to become a better version of ourselves, the other person will naturally make changes to adapt to our new selves. This is a dialectical way of looking at "being yourself" and "changing."

How might one reconcile the apparent conflict between "being as you are" and "being as he wants"?

Love is a powerful force that can help us find solutions to many challenges. When we have mutual respect and trust, based on sincerity and love, we can maintain our individuality while also making the necessary changes for a close relationship and meeting the expectations of the other person.

I believe that everything comes from the heart, and that the word "willing" cannot be stopped.

It is my sincere hope that the above will be helpful to you. I also wish to express my love for the world and for you.

If I may make a suggestion, perhaps it would be helpful to consider the following:

If you would like to continue the conversation, please click on the link to find a coach in the upper right corner or at the bottom of the page. I would be delighted to work with you one-on-one to support your growth.

Hello, questioner!

It's a fascinating question! I remember when I attended a family therapy training course, our teacher said, "The most challenging and intricate relationship in the world is intimacy." She said that every couple, even the most in love, faces conflicts.

Family therapy guru Satir had an amazing insight: she believed that a person is inextricably linked to their original family, and that this link may affect his or her entire life.

I'm excited to share that the happiness of adult intimate relationships can also be traced back to the attachment relationship between the original family and the mother.

Before the training session began, our teacher told us something really interesting. She said that every time before a formal consultation, she would first ask the visitor about his or her family of origin. She asked about how happy the visitor felt in the family of origin, the relationship between the parents, the parents' personalities and temperaments, and even the mode of interaction between the parents!

That's because the influence of the original family on us is really very important. It subtly changes us and guides us in amazing ways. It is said that parents are a child's first teacher, and this is not wrong at all. I say this not to shirk responsibility, but many of the problems we have ourselves are projections brought about by our original families. Happy people are healed by their childhoods throughout their lives; the unfortunate are healing their childhoods throughout their lives. And it's so exciting to see how our original families can shape our lives in such positive and negative ways!

The questioner made an excellent point—the root of the conflict in intimate relationships comes from the attachment relationship when a person is young.

1. Secure attachment: These children see their mother as a rock-solid, dependable secure base. The mother's presence makes the child feel more secure and allows the child to play freely in an unfamiliar situation. There is no obvious sense of unease when the mother leaves or a stranger comes in.

2. Anxious attachment, also known as resistant attachment. These babies are full of wonder and curiosity! They may lack a sense of security, worry about their mother leaving, and feel distress when she leaves. They have a conflicted attitude towards their mother, wanting to be close to her but also exploring their independence.

3. Avoidant attachment: This is a fascinating phenomenon! It doesn't matter whether the mother is present or not, which actually shows that the baby has not yet established a particularly close emotional connection with the mother.

So, why talk about attachment? Well, because it's a fascinating topic that can help us understand how our early social experiences shape our personalities as we grow up!

Children with secure attachments are absolutely amazing! They have high self-esteem, trusting and lasting relationships, are great at seeking social support, and have a fantastic ability to share feelings with others. They are so much more likely to be able to establish a wonderful, strong intimate relationship with their partner.

The type of early attachment affects a person's internal working model in an amazing way! The attachment of young children can determine the basic model of an individual's internal working.

The amazing thing is that a baby's emotional, feeling, personality, social behavior, and basic attitude towards interactions with others are all directly affected by whether or not they form a high-quality attachment with their mother!

The conflicts in intimate relationships are definitely related to the fact that the two people grew up in different family backgrounds, which makes things really interesting! Each family has its own culture, background, education, and interaction patterns. Two people with completely different backgrounds come together, and there are many people who cannot differentiate themselves from their original families, without boundaries. This makes for some great opportunities to learn and grow!

So, if you want to reduce conflicts, the first thing you need to do is learn to differentiate from your original family, understand the boundaries between people, and respect each other. And if you want to cultivate the ability to repair relationships and have the ideal intimate relationship, you've got to be brave enough to face problems head-on and be willing to solve them through change and growth, rather than blaming either party.

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Hello, dear!

In an intimate relationship, it's like two people who can be together and also have their own lives. You can be independent and still be close to each other. In the case of the question you mentioned, it can be whatever you want it to be.

It's totally possible to have your own desires and her desires, and you can do it without any conflict or fighting.

A good relationship is a two-way street, where you both recognize each other, are tolerant of each other's needs, compromise, and support each other. In such a relationship, your thoughts and needs are respected, seen, and taken into account. At the same time, you can also listen and understand well, see each other's thoughts, perceive each other's feelings, and both can see each other and take care of each other.

Of course, on this broad foundation, both parties have to make some compromises and concessions. This also forms a more complementary aspect of each relationship, which is really lovely. For example, after two people get married, there has to be a more focused division of labor and cooperation in terms of social and family functions. This is great because it means that the father or mother will take on more of the social functions, and then the mother or father will take on more of the family functions. Then, at the same time, they can take care of the children together, accompany the children, and educate the children. They can be a family that accompanies and understands each other, can be a parent-child relationship, can be both parents, and can be tolerant of each other in family matters.

It's the same in a romantic relationship. For example, two people in a long-distance relationship may have to compromise and give in so that they can live in the same city. They might have to give up their job and development in their original city and come to the city where their partner lives to start over.

And, of course, there's give and take in this process, too!

I really hope that in every relationship, both people can give and take at the same time. If you can just be yourself and let the other person be themselves, then you'll see how tolerant and compromising they are, and you'll respect and cherish that.

Hello. The questioner sees your understanding of intimate relationships as flawed. You believe the fundamental conflict in intimate relationships is about maintaining your own identity versus giving in to your partner's wishes. Let's understand it in a different way. Is the essence of the conflict in intimate relationships really about power?

We will discuss the ultimate conflict between two independent people who want to live together.

1. The right to decide.

That is, for the same problem, we hold different views. We both want to have the final say on the matter, and we won't give in.

People will do whatever it takes to gain control. They'll accuse, reason, go cold turkey, threaten, and deny.

Spending a lot of time and energy on how to get what the other person wants is a waste of time. If one party wins, the other party will then say, "As you wished, you are satisfied."

But we rarely stop to think about why problems arise and how we can solve them.

2. Learn to separate.

A healthy relationship is one that is sometimes distant and sometimes close. Some things are distant, and some things are close.

The problem of wanting intimacy all the time is the pursuit of symbiosis.

This is what healthy relationships look like:

Sometimes, it's more important to be with him. I compromise myself for a while to fulfill his needs.

Sometimes, you have to put your own needs first and take a break from the relationship to focus on your own goals.

He knows the relationship is more important, so he compromises his ego for a while to fulfill your ego.

Sometimes, your things are very important. You do your own thing and go it alone.

It is essential that we communicate fully with each other, regardless of who wants what. We must give reasons and tell ourselves the reasons for respecting the other party, so that the other party feels that we love each other. Giving up something or a relationship is not the end of a relationship.

My name is Xiaona Xinxian, and I'm happy to discuss this issue with you.

The world and I love you! Come on!

Dear Question Asker, Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to respond to your inquiry.

You have identified the fundamental conflict in intimate relationships as being between "being yourself" and "being what he/she wants." Before proceeding, it is essential to define these two concepts.

In an intimate relationship, it is important to be true to yourself. This means being honest about who you are, your strengths and weaknesses, your personality, your preferences, and your characteristics. Regardless of whether the other person approves, you should be confident in your identity.

In an intimate relationship, it is important to understand that "doing as he (she) wishes" means trying to satisfy the other person's wishes and becoming the person they want you to be. This may entail a significant shift in your personal identity, and it is possible that you may not be entirely comfortable with this change. However, it is crucial to recognize that this adjustment is necessary to meet the other person's needs.

In an intimate relationship, both parties desire to be loved and accepted for who they truly are. However, as the level of love intensifies, there is a tendency to want to align with the other person's wishes and needs, or to pretend to be what they want you to be. When these demands cannot be met, conflicts arise between the two individuals. This highlights the fundamental conflict in an intimate relationship, which can be defined as the tension between "being yourself" and "being what he (or she) wants."

To resolve conflicts, you may wish to consider the following:

First, it is essential to respect each individual.

In an intimate relationship, each person is a unique individual. The reason for the initial attraction between two people is that they are both attracted to certain characteristics of each other. However, as the relationship progresses, some individuals may cross boundaries, encroach on the other person's life, and attempt to change them to satisfy their own desires. However, the other person may resist these changes, feeling that they are being forced to compromise their values and authenticity. This can lead to conflict.

In an intimate relationship, it is essential to respect each individual as an independent entity. Attempting to change the other person is counterproductive, as is allowing the relationship to affect one's own sense of independence. Maintaining these two aspects is crucial for maintaining harmony in the relationship.

Secondly, it is important to accept the other party in the relationship for who they are.

At the outset of a relationship, individuals typically endeavor to impress their partners by showcasing their best attributes and concealing their shortcomings. However, as the relationship matures, the two parties tend to shed this facade and gradually reveal their authentic selves. For instance, an individual may have previously presented themselves as a paragon of gentlemanly conduct, yet their true nature is that of a somewhat untidy person with little regard for personal hygiene. Similarly, an individual may have perceived their partner as driven and motivated, only to discover that their partner actually enjoys engaging in leisure activities. When these discrepancies emerge, individuals often begin to scrutinize their partners' behaviors and traits, using their idealized image as a benchmark to which they expect their partners to adhere.

To effectively manage a close relationship, it is essential to learn to accept the real you or the other person. Despite their shortcomings, it is crucial to love the other person for who they are, given that you love them.

Third, it is essential to develop self-love before extending that love to another person.

It is not uncommon for individuals in close relationships to experience disagreements. While it is not possible to eliminate all conflict, it is crucial to develop self-love and learn to accept and resolve conflicts when they arise.

This leads to a lack of understanding between the man and the woman. The man doesn't understand the woman and vice versa. This lack of understanding ultimately leads to the breakdown of the marriage.

Seeing is loving. It's about understanding, recognizing, appreciating, and respecting.

The man knows what the woman likes and dislikes, what she can accept, and what she cannot. He sees her for who she really is and supports and respects her.

2. We all have the dream of transforming our partner.

A significant source of conflict in intimate relationships is the desire to transform our partner into someone they're not. This inevitably leads to a loss of self and a sense of being unworthy.

Let me be clear: change means that you think I'm wrong and want to change me. It also means that you think I'm denying you something and want to change me.

If you change me, I will still have a sense of self. I will not lose myself or my soul.

If we lose ourselves, we will not be able to feel our sense of value or our sense of existence. And not being able to feel our value and existence is a very frightening thing.

So, will we reject change? [Of course, this excludes positive change.] You want to change me, and I want to change you.

This naturally leads to conflict.

3. Accept yourself, warts and all.

In a relationship, it's crucial to let go of our illusions and accept the other person for who they really are. This will undoubtedly lead to fewer conflicts.

We don't seek a state of complete conflict-free, either. We accept the other person for who they really are.

First, learn to accept the real you! You must accept the good side of yourself, as well as the bad.

When we accept ourselves, we can accept others. Acceptance is a skill.

To accept the real self, you must integrate the good and the bad parts of yourself. You must see your own merits and recognize your own shortcomings. Don't deny yourself completely without regard to your shortcomings. And don't fail to see your shortcomings because of your merits.

Accept the part of yourself that you cannot change. Don't waste your energy fighting with it. Focus your energy on the part of yourself that you can change. In this way, you will encounter a better version of yourself.

4. Learn to respect.

We are all ordinary people, and when it comes to acceptance, there may be some aspects that we cannot accept. So, what do we do at this time?

We must learn to respect each other if we want to avoid conflict in our close relationships.

I may not agree with you, but I won't deny you. I will listen to you, but I will keep my own point of view unchanged.

In this way, even if there are parts that I cannot accept, it simply doesn't matter. I have no intention of trying to change the other person either.

I am Zeng Chen, a psychological coach at One Mind. I hope these words will inspire the original poster. We can also communicate one-on-one if you have any insights.

Good day, landlord. I hope my response proves helpful to you in some way.

I believe there is some truth to this statement. To address the conflict between the two, it may be helpful to consider adjusting expectations in a way that aligns with each party's respective needs.

Ultimately, a person's level of happiness in an intimate relationship may depend on their subjective feelings and interpretation of the relationship. It is possible that reasonable expectations could be conducive to maintaining love and enhancing the experience of happiness.

Many people believe that managing our expectations is sufficient. However, it is important to recognize that expectations in intimate relationships require management from both perspectives.

It would be beneficial to not only adjust our expectations on a regular basis, but also to try to understand and meet the expectations of our partners. This way, we can ensure that their needs are being met, which will hopefully lead to mutual satisfaction.

How might one go about managing expectations?

Often, we may find ourselves feeling sad or disappointed because our expectations are perhaps a little too high. It is also worth noting that having expectations that are too low can have a similar effect.

It could be said that expectations are the driving force of love. If you feel you have nothing more to ask of someone, it may be worth considering whether this is a sign that you are giving up or becoming bored. Such psychological expectations could potentially have a negative impact on the relationship. It may therefore be helpful to try to maintain a balance between having high and low expectations. Having reasonable expectations could be beneficial.

Could you kindly clarify what is meant by a reasonable expectation?

It would be helpful to have an understanding of your own core needs, as well as the personality traits of the other person, their strengths and weaknesses. It may also be beneficial to guide them to do what they can (especially for your core needs), and accept what they cannot change. This could help to reduce any worries you may have in the relationship.

For instance, a friend of mine, who is very capable and earns a good income, has chosen a down-to-earth, ordinary husband who is warm and caring. She needs him to take good care of her, to be there for her, to help her with the housework and to look after the children. He is considerate, attentive and warm-hearted, and he is able and willing to do so, so her core needs are met, and this seems to be a reasonable expectation.

However, when she encountered a financial crisis at work, she expected her husband to immediately become a superman and help her solve all her problems. This expectation may have been a bit unreasonable. The other person may lack the corresponding abilities. He may not be able to make money or manage a company. He may not be able to make such a transformation overnight. Asking the other person to do things that are beyond his abilities may be a bit demanding. At this time, expectations may need to be adjusted.

At this time, I gently encourage my friends to consider what supportive work the other party can do during this economic crisis. For example, can they assist with the logistics, take care of the children and the family more, so that you can focus more on solving the problems outside?

Once she had adjusted her expectations and discovered that her husband was able to cooperate well with her to complete these logistical tasks, allowing her to focus on dealing with the company's problems, she came to understand that she was also fully capable of resolving this crisis. As a result, she gradually let go and their relationship was promptly repaired.

How might one go about managing expectations?

It can be challenging to manage the expectations of others. From a human perspective, we often judge others based on our own standards and expectations are often fluid. This can make it difficult to accurately assess another person's expectations and manage them effectively.

However, there are two ways in which expectations can be managed.

1. It would be beneficial to try to understand the other person's core needs, be considerate, and if possible, exceed their expectations.

Many people in intimate relationships will express frustration, saying, "I have given so much to him, but not only is he not grateful, he wants to escape and even blame me. I'm not sure why this is happening."

It may be the case that what you are giving is not what he wants. To the other person, this kind of giving may not be valuable, and could even be a burden.

It may be possible to gain a deeper understanding of each other's needs through the use of non-violent communication.

The steps of non-violent communication are as follows: first, state the objective facts; then, express your feelings; then, express your needs; and finally, request that the other person take action.

When stating facts, it is important to be objective and avoid making accusations or judgments. It is also helpful to express your true feelings and needs, and to kindly ask the other person to take specific actions (within their capabilities, of course).

Through this kind of communication, you may gain a deeper understanding of each other's feelings and thoughts, which could potentially lead to more meaningful connections and a deeper level of understanding.

It would also be beneficial to consider the emotional feedback of the other person during the process of getting along. It is often the case that behind every emotion is a need. When the other person's emotional response is particularly strong, it may be worth exploring whether it involves the other person's core needs.

However, when it comes to meeting the other person's core needs, it's important to be fully committed, actively involved, and even exceed their expectations. For instance, if the other person's core need is to be appreciated and recognized, you could consider expressing your gratitude and recognition to her, praising her in front of relatives and friends, or expressing your gratitude to her by writing thank-you letters.

2. It may be helpful to gradually meet the non-core needs of the other person, in line with the law of peak end.

Given the limitations of our energy and the numerous demands of daily life, it is not always feasible to try to please the other person. A healthy intimate relationship should also have its ups and downs. It is not realistic to expect a constant state of harmony where you are constantly revolving around the other person and trying to figure out their needs.

It may therefore be helpful to consider ways of gradually meeting the other person's non-core needs, which could also be in line with the peak-end rule.

The peak-end rule, as proposed by psychologist Daniel Kahneman, suggests that our overall experience is influenced by the initial peak experience and the subsequent conclusion. If the initial peak experience is overly positive and then declines, and the conclusion is relatively negative, the overall experience may be perceived as less positive.

It is possible that a relationship that begins with a peak experience, where both people take meticulous care of each other, may enter a period of stagnation over time and as the relationship develops. In such a case, both parties may begin to slack off, paying less and less attention to each other, which could result in a gradual decline in the relationship and eventually a loss of confidence, potentially leading to a breakup. In such a situation, it is understandable that the experience of this relationship may have been perceived as negative.

It may be helpful to consider that if we don't try to meet each other's needs excessively at the beginning of a relationship, but instead gradually meet each other's expectations while also meeting each other's core needs, then the other person's satisfaction level may remain at a stable level, and the overall feeling may be better.

It is not realistic to expect that we can completely change someone. However, if we both adjust our expectations and focus our main energy on the other person's core needs, we can gradually improve a relationship that has lost its spark and strengthen our intimacy.

I hope this finds you well.

The ability to remain true to oneself is a challenging aspect of human nature. Many individuals find themselves losing their sense of self in the context of a relationship, attempting to align themselves with the expectations of their partner and undergo significant personal transformations. This process can be profoundly distressing, as it often involves a fundamental conflict between one's own identity and the expectations of another person.

The other person may also be inclined to find fault with a multitude of activities, assuming that you are not doing enough. For instance, they may question your decision to shower and change daily, wash dishes, dress nicely, lose weight, wear perfume, or compromise. They may also express concern about your physical appearance, suggesting that you are not as attractive as other people.

A variety of factors have contributed to the inability to "be like you." Romantic love can easily result in individuals losing their sense of self. The ideal state of a romantic relationship is that both partners can be themselves without having to make any changes. There is a mutual liking between the two individuals, and each is in their most authentic state.

Even if one partner exhibits minor shortcomings that do not cause harm to the other, the latter is still willing to accept the former and is open to understanding and accepting the latter's shortcomings. This kind of love is characterized by acceptance and support, and the other person will not impose significant challenges or difficulties. However, they will also provide love and support.

The phrase "as he (or she) wishes" indicates that the other person is unable to accept your genuine self and instead seeks to impose changes upon you. At this juncture, it is crucial to ascertain whether the other person truly loves you. Individuals who genuinely love you as a person will typically refrain from making your life difficult and from issuing demands that you alter your fundamental character.

In such cases, the answer will become even more apparent. For individuals who do not possess a profound level of affection for their partner, there will always be a means of extricating themselves from the problematic situation. Should the day arrive when the partner in question insists on a change in the other, and that change involves a matter of personal significance, and the other party is unable or unwilling to comply, the dissolution of the relationship may be the most viable option. It is often beneficial for individuals to seek a partner who is fully accepting of their inherent characteristics and values, or one who is less driven by the desire to impose changes upon their partner.

Please clarify the question.