What is the root cause of always wanting to over-rely on others, and how to effectively control it?

Hello! I really hope my answer can help you in some way.

I totally get it! I used to rely on others too much. In relationships, I especially wanted to receive warmth and care from others, to be understood and cared for, to be recognized and encouraged. This was quite painful at one point, because it is actually very difficult to find someone who we can rely on all the time, including our parents, our partners, and even our best friends. Later, when I realized in the midst of my pain, I discovered that this was because I had placed all my needs on other people, hoping that the other person could satisfy me. Because I didn't know that these needs could actually be satisfied by myself. When I started to learn to care for myself, I gradually became more independent, and I also found a balance between independence and dependence, becoming a person who is more free and comfortable in relationships.

I'd love to give you some advice!

If you're interested in finding the source, it's a great idea to start by exploring our original attachment relationships.

It's so interesting how the patterns we display in all relationships are influenced by our attachment patterns as children. Have you ever thought about whether the way you get along with your parents is also more dependent on them?

I was like that myself! When I was little, I was very timid and needed my mother to help me out with everything, and my father to help me solve problems together. When I was away from home, they were also very worried and always gave me as much care and help as they could. I still remember that year after I had just given birth, my parents wanted to take a long-distance train to see me. They lived in the countryside at that time, and my mother grew vegetables. She asked me what vegetables I wanted her to bring, and I said to bring a little of everything. They ended up bringing a huge bag of vegetables, and my father's shoulders were red from carrying them. This was the way I got along with them: they always took very good care of me, down to the last detail, and sometimes they would do anything I asked. So I was always so dependent, and I think that's normal. It wasn't until later, when I started a family and lived in a different city, that they couldn't take care of me around the clock, and I couldn't rely on them anymore. I began to experience the pain of growing up. I wanted to rely on my husband, but he was busy making money to buy formula for the baby. I wanted to rely on my mother-in-law, but she couldn't stand being away from home and went back to her hometown...

It was during that time that I began to explore inwardly, and I saw the impact of my family of origin on me, saw my own patterns, and understood why I was like this. I began to understand myself profoundly, and on the basis of understanding myself, I also saw my own growth topics. I also wanted to become independent and become a more complete person. So, I learned to rely on myself and to accompany myself, ushering in real growth.

2. It's so interesting how we rely on others because we hope they can satisfy our inner needs. It's as if we feel that we cannot satisfy these needs ourselves. When we find these needs, it also helps us find the direction of our personal growth.

Absolutely! We rely on others because they can meet our inner needs. We may not even realize it, but we feel that these needs can only be met by them and that we are unable to provide them to ourselves. Just as you said about this schoolmate of yours, her patience, enthusiasm, and gentleness must have satisfied some need within you, making you feel like relying on her. What was that need exactly?

You can explore this together with me. Is it companionship you're looking for? Or understanding?

Do you need support or acceptance?

Or maybe it's about recognition or respect?

You've got this! The answer is within you, and you will find it. And when you find these needs that you want to be given through her, you will find the direction of your own personal growth.

I say that because we all need to feel loved and accepted, and if we don't feel that way inside, we'll look for it outside.

It's totally normal to crave recognition and affection. But when you find yourself craving her approval so much, it might be a sign that you don't recognize and love yourself enough. That's okay! It's a growth opportunity. When you learn to love and recognize yourself more, you'll naturally find that you don't need to depend on external sources for these needs. You'll be more independent!

3. Try using more constructive methods to meet your own psychological needs. You'll be freer and more comfortable in relationships!

We all need relationships, but just because we need a relationship doesn't mean we have to be dependent on it. A truly good relationship is definitely not one where you only take without giving. For example, in your relationship with your current schoolmate, you can get along well with her and feel her understanding, support, and care for you. At the same time, you can also give her what she needs. In this way, in your relationship, you nourish each other, and your relationship will be a healthier one that will last a long time and be stable.

It's so important to remember that you can't rely on one person to meet all your needs. But these needs still need to be met! The good news is that we can adopt more constructive ways to meet our needs. For example, you can make more friends, rather than relying on this senior schoolmate to meet all your needs. Some friends can meet your need to go shopping together, some friends can meet your need to study together, some friends can give you encouragement and support, some friends can give you companionship and acceptance... In this way, each friend can give you what you want, and many of your relationships will be harmonious, not overloaded. And most importantly, we need to learn to meet these needs ourselves, to see our inner lack, to care for ourselves. You need what others can give you, and you have it within you. When you really can recognize yourself enough, like yourself, care for yourself, respect yourself, and take care of yourself, you will find that you will not be so passive in relationships, because you already have it within you. They are the icing on the cake. If they don't give it to you, you don't care, because you are self-sufficient!

Of course, this requires practice and a process. It took me three or four years to go from dependence to independence, so just take your time and give yourself the space you need to grow. I really think you'll find "The Power of Self-Care" and "The Power of Self-Growth" inspiring!

I hope this is helpful for you! Wishing you all the best!

Hello, I'm happy to answer your question. I hope my suggestions help.

It's good to think of solutions in advance. This shows we're self-aware and kind. We don't want to cause trouble for others.

There are two ways to go.

One way to solve problems is to seek help from a counselor. They can help us understand the root of the problem and find a solution that works for us.

A counselor can also be a good listener and a reliable source of support. They can help us communicate our feelings and thoughts in a safe and professional way.

The second way is to improve yourself by developing interests and hobbies.

You can also enrich your daily life to avoid feeling bored. When you're unhappy, you can express yourself.

We can always talk to our friends about happy or sad things.

If we're in an extreme situation, we need to maintain a sense of boundaries with our friends. We can also seek the company of professionals to express our emotions.

In our daily lives, we are more likely to be self-centered. We spend time learning, entertaining ourselves, and spending time alone.

We hope that self-grooming or professional help will help you find a lifestyle and social world that suits you and that you love yourself!

I love you!

I understand your feelings. It is natural to want to find someone to rely on when faced with a new environment and challenges. Especially when you are far away from home and facing the unknown, it is reassuring and grateful to have a warm presence to support and help.

However, you know that excessive dependence can be problematic, not only for your own growth, but also because it can be stressful for the other person. You have already started to notice this tendency and you are taking steps to prevent it.

Here are some tips to help you maintain a healthy relationship while promoting your independence.

1. Self-reflection is key. Think about why you rely on others and how this dependence affects your personal growth.

Set goals. This is an essential step in focusing on your growth. Set goals for yourself, whether it be academically, professionally, or in your personal interests.

3. Expand your social circle. Connect with more people, including classmates, friends, and other dorm administrators. This will help you reduce your dependence on a single individual.

4. Communicate boundaries. Let your seniors know you appreciate their guidance but also make it clear you want to handle certain things independently. This will help you set healthy boundaries in your relationship.

5. Make sure you have enough time for self-care, such as exercise, learning, hobbies, etc. These activities will help improve your sense of self-worth.

6. Seek support. If you find it difficult to control your feelings of dependence, get help from a counselor. They can provide professional advice and strategies.

Remember, change takes time and patience. Don't be too hard on yourself. You've already taken an important step. Keep going and gradually build up your independence.