What lies behind the blame-based concern?

Hello! I just wanted to give you a warm hug from afar.

I'm so happy you asked for help! I really hope my sharing can be a source of support and help for you.

You so badly wanted your mom to accept you, understand you, show you care, and give you love. But instead, you got more criticism and rejection. This made you feel misunderstood, unaccepted, unloved, aggrieved, angry, helpless, and powerless.

It's so important to remember that the way we're treated affects how we treat others. I know it can be really hard to understand why your mum expresses her love and care in a way that makes you feel blamed when you just want to be accepted, understood and considered. But the truth is, she was probably treated in a similar way when she was growing up.

It's so important to show your love and care for those closest to you in a way that makes them feel comfortable and happy. But if you find yourself being criticized or made to feel uncomfortable, it might be a sign that your mother is struggling with her own feelings. It's possible that she's using this approach to prove that she's right and that your pain is not her fault. This is often a reflection of the child within her who is afraid and struggling to face her own mistakes. In her mind, if those around her are not good, it means that she is bad, and the pain of others is caused by her. She feels responsible. This is often a result of the trauma she experienced growing up.

So, when you feel hurt and sad because your mom is being critical, you can say how you feel. Be honest and open, so she knows that her words have hurt you. You feel unloved, uncared for, and ignored. But don't judge your mom. She doesn't mean to make you feel this way. She just doesn't know how to show you love and care.

It's so important to give your mom feedback and responses when she says or does things that hurt or make you uncomfortable. The good news is that when she's aware of this pattern of language, she'll be able to change.

But you have to accept that she might not change. Instead, you can choose to show your love, care, and consideration for your mother in a way that makes her feel happy and comfortable. The way you treat her will gradually guide her towards your way. What do you say?

I really think you'd benefit from reading Emotionally Immature Parents.

Hello, host!

It's so important to understand why blame-based care might be happening. It could be that the person is struggling with their own insecurities, a desire for control, self-centeredness, or emotional instability. It could also be a result of how they were brought up by their elders. Here are some possible reasons:

Some people may feel insecure inside and worry about losing the other person's attention or love. It's totally normal to feel this way! Through accusatory care, they try to control the other person's behavior to ensure their sense of security.

I'm just worried about you, sweetheart. I'm going to sound a bit strict and rude, but I'm only trying to help.

.

Control-seeking: Some people may have a strong desire for control and want to control all of the other person's actions and decisions. It's okay to want to take care of your loved ones! Through accusatory care, they try to manipulate the other person's behavior to satisfy their desire for control.

I'm so sorry to say that you're not keeping warm enough, and your parents will worry and be anxious.

Some folks are just a little too focused on their own needs and feelings, and they might forget about the feelings of others. When this happens, they might try to make themselves feel better by pointing out the other person's flaws.

I think you might be feeling a bit chilly, so I thought you might like to wear a little more.

People who are emotionally unstable may sometimes act in ways that seem a bit erratic, including being accusatory. When they're feeling emotional or anxious, they might show a lot of care and accusation at the same time.

We all get agitated, nervous, or anxious sometimes. It's easy to be harsh when you mean to be kind when you're feeling this way.

No matter the reason, accusatory concern can often have a negative effect on both people involved. But if you assume that the other person is acting out of concern and good intentions, or have become accustomed to it, it won't have a major impact.

If you find yourself or others displaying a tendency towards accusatory concern, it might be helpful to chat with a professional counselor. They can help you understand the underlying reasons and learn healthier ways of communicating.

However,

There are so many reasons why you might be blamed! Some of them are objective, meaning they're based on what you've done. Others are subjective, meaning they're based on how others feel about what you've done.

Subjectively, your friends and family feel a responsibility to make you reasonably expect the serious consequences of your actions, and they're eager to help you avoid ignoring important and urgent situations and take immediate action.

Have you ever stopped to think about the word "concern"? Is it always true that words of concern are pleasing to the ear? Well, in some situations, yes! But the way in which concern is expressed varies from person to person, which makes it all the more interesting!

Some people, because of their occupation, such as firefighters, express their concern by racing against time, setting off quickly, deploying cautiously, not fearing the flames, and rushing out of the fire with the person to be rescued on their shoulders. What a rush! Some people express their concern by caring about your progress in study and work, reminding you, sending you emails, and they may also be willing to share your joys and sorrows, face risks together, go somewhere with you to meet someone, and say something that needs to be said. What a blast!

For ordinary people, when they think of you and want to help you, their words may not be tactful and may hit the nail on the head, making you feel abrupt and crushed. This feeling may be a projection of inner vulnerability, and you feel that others are deliberately trying to embarrass you. But the truth may be the opposite: others don't think you can't take criticism. In their eyes, you won't be hurt or tired by their words. As long as you notice it, you can correct it immediately, and you won't be hurt psychologically. This is an amazing opportunity for you to grow!

If this is not the case, you have the power to make some adjustments to yourself and tell yourself that the care behind these accusations is directed at things, not at your personality.

You can do it! When life is going well, it's important to pay attention to your own progress. Affirm yourself more and develop a firm self-confidence within yourself to help you grow and become stronger. You've got this!

There are so many amazing things out there just waiting for you to discover them! Why not read more about social news and biographies to broaden your horizons and open your mind?

I really hope this inspires you! The world and I love you!

Hello, question owner, I see you're confused. Why is she concerned?

The example you gave sounds familiar. It's a phrase my parents and others would say. If the question hadn't been asked, I would have taken it for granted.

Your mother is worried about you and cares about you. She wants you to wear clothes to avoid catching a cold. When she says this, she sounds accusatory. It seems like she's saying, "If you listened to me, you wouldn't have caught a cold."

Why is your mother so accusatory? It's probably because she's not good at communication. People of her generation wouldn't use "nonviolent communication" to tell a story without judgment.

It's hard to change how your mother communicates. If you want her to change, you'll have to change too.

If the questioner can't accept this, they can change their mindset.

Your mother loves you and has no bad intentions. Change your mindset.

That's what I came up with. At Yi Xinli, the world and I love you.

Hello, questioner! I'm thrilled to answer your question!

You experienced your mother's critical care in such a way that you did not feel warmth, but only reprimand. This made you curious and eager to understand why.

Now, let's dive into the fascinating topic of accusatory care!

This refers to expressing concern in an accusatory tone and manner, which brings about negative emotions and resentment in others.

What is the reason behind this kind of care?

The mother is emotional. She thinks to herself, "If you had dressed more warmly, you wouldn't have caught a cold," but you didn't do that, so she is dissatisfied and disappointed with you. This dissatisfaction and disappointment is expressed through her accusations of you, in the hope that you will change—and you will!

? Control. Adults have a certain desire to control their children. When things get out of control or don't meet her expectations, she feels helpless and seeks a sense of control by blaming.

Self-esteem. When the mother thinks you are going against her wishes and contradicting her, her self-esteem and sense of worth are challenged. But here's the good news! In order to protect her self-esteem, she will defend it by accusing you.

They tend to ignore other people's feelings, which can be a challenge. It's not that they don't care about others, but they're so focused on their own emotions that they sometimes overlook the feelings of others. It's an opportunity for growth and reflection to learn how to balance their own feelings with the feelings of others.

Another reason could be a lack of good communication skills. She may not know how to communicate effectively, be good at expressing herself, speak bluntly, or not fully understand the meaning of the other person's interruption. This could make her communication style less than ideal, but it also presents an opportunity for growth and improvement!

I'm thrilled to share some of the reasons I can think of, and I'm confident they'll be incredibly helpful to the questioner!

Greetings.

Demonstrate comprehension of the issue you have presented and of your current emotional state.

In a previous response to a related inquiry, "What is the distinction between complaining, criticizing, blaming, and articulating needs?" an elucidation was provided regarding the concept of blaming.

The term "reprimand" is defined as "to point out faults and blame." It is typically utilized in discourse between superiors and subordinates, as well as between parents and children.

To illustrate, if a five-year-old child inadvertently breaks a parent's cherished flowerpot, the parent may respond with a statement such as, "I advised you not to touch it, and you did so regardless, resulting in its destruction." This is an example of blame.

Secondly, this kind of blaming will gradually generate a sense of disgust as the child grows older. Parents will form a habit of using this method to show their "authority" because they have not been exposed to the correct way of educating. If one were to define this kind of verbal behaviour, it would be the most obvious manifestation of a "hard hearted" or "inconsistent" attitude.

In your description, you indicated that your parents' actions are intended to express concern but are not conveyed in a manner that is perceived as polite. This suggests that you are aware that their actions represent a form of self-care, but the manner in which it is expressed makes it challenging for you to accept. This encompasses a broader range of content, including values, educational level, and environmental background.

Given your current exposure to higher education, you have the opportunity to refine the approach you take in educating your children. However, it is not feasible to send your parents back to school to pursue the latest educational system. While there are universities for the elderly, not all parents have the financial means to attend. Even though education can be demanding, parents recognize its value and place their trust in their children to provide a better future.

It is recommended that:

1. The issue of blame can be seen as a matter of character and behavior. If criticism and blame are transformed into suggestions or opinions, the effect may be different. At this juncture, it would be beneficial to develop communication skills and to persuade one's parents in a manner that is comfortable and effective for you.

2. Furthermore, complaining is often accompanied by a tendency to blame others. Just as the former is a means of expressing one's emotions, the latter is a way of attributing blame, which is frequently the result of an inability or unwillingness to resolve a problem.

3. The description allows the reader to ascertain that the subject demonstrates an understanding of their parents' behavior and is capable of effecting change through communication.

The aforementioned content is intended for reference only.

Gaining an understanding of the lack of substance in the world:

The communication within family units is frequently influenced by emotional states and established patterns of behavior. On occasion, despite the presence of concern, the manner of expression may appear somewhat abrupt or direct. This phenomenon can be attributed to a multitude of factors, including cultural norms, individual personality traits, levels of intimacy, and other variables. In light of these observations, we present a series of recommendations that we believe will prove beneficial to you:

It is important to understand the intentions of the other person. Even if their expressions are direct or offensive, they may be a result of concern or worry.

Communication skills: It is recommended that one attempts to explain one's feelings to the other person in a calm manner at the appropriate time and express one's hope for more gentle and considerate ways of showing care. It can be argued that establishing open and honest communication is the key to improving family relationships.

It is recommended that individuals set an example by modeling gentle and considerate communication through their own actions. Over time, this may inspire others to modify their communication style.

It is recommended that, when communicating with family members, constructive suggestions or compromise solutions be proposed in order to ensure that both parties feel respected and understood.

It is important to learn to be tolerant in family relationships, as each family member has their own personality and habits. It is crucial to demonstrate tolerance towards one another and to accept the differences that exist within the family unit.

In general, improving communication between family members requires a significant investment of time and effort. The establishment of a positive communication atmosphere and mutual understanding is a crucial step in this process. It is my hope that these suggestions will prove beneficial in facilitating improved communication with your family. Should you require further advice or support, I would be happy to assist.

The combination of concern, the desire to control, unstable self-esteem, ignorance of other people's feelings, and lack of communication skills represents a prevalent state of mind among parents.

1⃣️It is important to recognize that individuals who are 20 to 30 years older than you, who perform domestic tasks such as cooking and laundry, who provide financial support for your education and travel, and who save and budget responsibly are not inherently noble or inherently flawed. They are simply individuals who have adopted specific behaviors and values.

2. Explore methods to adjust one's state of mind to a more optimal level.

As an illustration, one may choose to temporarily remove themselves from the situation and refrain from communication.

For example, one may choose to direct their attention toward their work in order to enhance their financial situation.

As an illustration, one may choose to express their feelings by discussing the matter with friends or online, as is currently being done.

For example, one may engage in activities such as watching one's preferred films, listening to one's most cherished music, and dining at one's most favoured restaurants.

For example, one may choose to seek out a private space, utilize non-violent methods of self-expression, engage in physical activities such as throwing pillows or striking objects with one's fists, and release pent-up emotions. These are just a few of the many potential avenues one might explore.

3⃣️It is also likely that the other party, even if it is a parent, will treat you in a manner contingent on your strength.

If one is in a superior position to the other, whether in terms of financial gain, status, or capability, the latter will be less likely to engage in harmful behaviour, such as accusation, insult, ridicule, or psychological manipulation.

Therefore, in addition to exercising one's capacity to regulate emotions when confronted with adversity and anger, it is essential to maintain a positive outlook and engage in activities such as work, study, and interactions with exceptional individuals.

It is important to engage in self-improvement without expecting others to be highly qualified or to have a high level of contentment with oneself.

It is imperative to cultivate tolerance, much like the earth, which endures and permits.

Hello, friend. I'm Coach Daming, and I'm very happy that you're able to see the deeper level, which is that you know your mother is concerned about you, which shows the kindness in your heart. In addition, I can also sense that you're feeling a little helpless, and you seem at a loss for what to do in the face of your mother's reaction. After reading your question, I would like to explore it from the following aspects:

1. Could you please tell me why you want to understand the way your mother talks? What do you hope to gain from understanding this reason? This is an important question, so I'd like you to think about it carefully.

If you have any questions or concerns, you are welcome to ask your mother for her thoughts on the matter. If you would like to see a change in her behavior, it might be helpful to consider whether you can influence other people in a similar way.

2. I feel it's important to say that, regardless of the reason, we can't change the way she talks unless she makes a change herself. In the meantime, you may not have expressed your distress. If you are willing to communicate with your mother, you could say that you hear this way of talking and it makes you feel bad. Give your mother a hint. I believe she doesn't mean to make you feel bad, but she is just used to expressing herself in this way from her life experience. I can see that you are also influenced by your mother. You still care a lot about what she says, and you also want your mother to communicate with you properly. While we can't change her, we can remind her that this way of talking is not nice.

3. It is crucial to differentiate between your mother and yourself. Your mother operates from her own perspective, and you act on your own behalf. It is essential to distinguish between the two. She is her own person, and you are yours. Each has their own unique way of being and expressing happiness.

4. How might you make a change? If you were to catch a cold in the future because you didn't listen to your mother's advice to get dressed, it might be helpful to listen to your mother's advice in the future and think about whether it is a good thing for you. If she doesn't prompt you, you could consider summarizing the matter of getting dressed in the future and seeing when it is appropriate to get dressed.

I am confident that with practice and reflection, you will be able to improve your performance in the future.

I hope you will enjoy a long and happy life. I believe you have the potential to succeed in life.

Hello, question asker. I can see you're feeling confused, and I'm here to give you a big hug!

I totally get it. Why does your mom have to be so accusatory when she really wants to show you that she cares?

I think this is probably related to her own family of origin.

We're all influenced by our own families, so it's probably true that your mom is no exception.

It's possible that when she was growing up, her parents expressed their concern in an accusatory tone.

So, after being exposed to this kind of communication for a long time, your mom will think that the only way to express her concern is to point out your faults.

There's a great saying in psychology that I think you'll find really helpful: "What we don't have, we can't give to others."

It's not that your mom is trying to be mean when she expresses her concerns. It's just that she might not know any other way to communicate.

It's also possible that your mom isn't even aware that this communication style makes you feel uncomfortable.

If you'd like to see your mom change, it might be helpful to find a way to tell her what you're thinking.

For instance, you could say something like, "Mom, there's something I want to talk to you about. Please don't misunderstand me — I don't mean to accuse you, because I know you were also affected by your own family of origin. I just want to say that I don't like it when you express your concern for me in an accusatory tone."

It's so important to express yourself, especially when it comes to your mum. If you don't say how you feel, she might not realise that her caring approach isn't quite right for you.

When you're chatting with your mum, I'd really recommend using the "I" language instead of starting with "you".

You can also use the methods in the book (Nonviolent Communication). I really hope this helps!

I really hope the problem you're having gets solved soon.

I'm sorry, I just can't think of anything else to say.

I really hope my answer is helpful and inspiring to you! I'm the answerer, and I study hard every day.

We love you, and we wish you the best!

Take care!

Hello. I am honored to answer your question and I am confident that my suggestions will be helpful to you.

There are many possibilities here, and the answer is clear: we must communicate with our mothers constantly to find out what's right for them.

She may be a "tough love" person who is not good at expressing her love, and may only be able to express it in a roundabout way.

The second possibility is that this person is straightforward and says whatever comes into her head. It's entirely possible that she caught a cold because we didn't listen to her.

The third reason is that she is used to it and does not realize that there are other ways of educating and expressing love. For example, she may have grown up in the same way, and her parents expressed their love in the same way, so she thinks this is the normal way to express love, and so she does the same.

The fourth possibility is that we misunderstood. It's possible that he was blaming and scolding us, but we misinterpreted his blame as a kind and loving expression. The reality is that the other person doesn't love us. They're just throwing a temper tantrum and getting angry.

The fifth possibility is that the other person's personality is like this. A proud and arrogant person will say the opposite. They do this in any situation. Chopper in One Piece is like this. It's obvious that they want to express the opposite of their feelings, which is a way of showing love.

This is not a comprehensive list of possibilities. There are many more. We must get to know each other through our daily interactions. We also need to express our feelings. This allows the other person to understand that we dislike her way of expressing herself. We also need to communicate and get along with her in other ways. This allows us to better receive her love and care. It also facilitates emotional communication between the two of us.

You will understand the reasons and find a suitable way to get along with your mother through self-reflection and continuous communication.

I love you, and I love the world!

I hope my answer can be of some help to you.

It seems that this is a common pattern among mothers. Rather than directly expressing their concern, they tend to scold their children by accusing them. It's understandable that behind the scolding is concern and worry, but it can be challenging to navigate these situations and encourage a change in approach.

I would like to share some of my thoughts on this matter.

It is understandable that mothers are accustomed to this style of education, shaped by the background of the times and their own family experiences. This can make it challenging to shift their perspectives.

It's not just your mother who is like this. My mother is also like this, and I believe there are many, many mothers like this. This approach was likely learned from their own mothers, who in turn learned it from their own mothers. It's understandable that they didn't have access to other ways of teaching, and that they believed this was the best way to express reminders and care for their children without blaming them. It's not that they did this on purpose; it's just that they didn't have the knowledge or resources to do otherwise. Professional family therapy or self-growth and learning can help mothers recognize their own patterns and make adjustments.

However, this may require her to consider making some changes to her own behaviour, as this is something she has control over. If she is not ready to make these changes, it may be more challenging for us to influence her.

As the saying goes, "A single thought can change everything." There are three things in the world: one's own affairs, other people's affairs, and the affairs of heaven. It can be challenging when we feel troubled because we may not have control over our own affairs, but we may worry about other people's affairs and the affairs of heaven. Mom's pattern of behavior is her own business, and it is difficult for us to control. When we let go of our expectations of her and don't expect her to become someone who can express her concern directly, but instead allow her to care for herself in her own way, we may find it easier to cope with her accusatory concern. Because you accept her, you may be less offended and more able to show concern, rather than accusation.

2. It might be helpful to try to sense the underlying care and love behind the accusations, and to focus on that rather than getting caught up in the superficial actions and attitudes. This could help you to understand her better.

It is also possible to perceive that behind her accusations is concern and love for you, and that they are not merely superficial. We can also consider the reasons behind her accusations, her needs, whether she hopes you can listen to her, whether she hopes you can take care of yourself, and whether she hopes you can respect her advice. These are her genuine needs, and the act of accusing is not her primary intention. She cares about your physical health and hopes you can take care of yourself.

Perhaps her needs align with yours? It's likely that you also want to take care of yourself, right?

It's only natural to want to be healthy and avoid getting sick, right? Your needs are likely similar. If you can prioritize self-care and reassure her, I don't think she will accuse you anymore.

3. You might also consider communicating with your mother, expressing your feelings and needs, and setting specific expectations for her. It's possible that things might change as a result.

The family is a system. We have the power to initiate change within ourselves. When we have changed, other family members may also change accordingly. If you feel comfortable, you could try communicating with your mother. You could tell her your true feelings and needs, and make specific expectations and requests of her. You could use the method of "non-violent communication" to communicate again and again. I believe this could have some impact on her.

It is important to consider the timing of your communication with her. It may be helpful to choose a time when both of you are in a calm state. If either of you is in the middle of an emotional outburst, it can be challenging to communicate effectively. It may be beneficial to focus on describing and expressing your feelings objectively, without judgment or accusations.

For instance, you might choose a time when you are both in a good mood while shopping together, and then say to your mother, "Mom, I remember when I had a cold, and you said, 'I told you to wear clothes, but you didn't, and now you have a cold,' which made me feel really uncomfortable. I would really appreciate your understanding and care, and I would like you to comfort and take care of me when I'm sick, instead of blaming and accusing me. In the future, if I do something wrong, would you be willing to say to me, 'It's okay, mom will always be by your side and take care of you...'?" (Of course, you can adjust the specific content according to your specific situation).

It would be beneficial to listen to what our mothers are saying, to hear their feelings and needs, and what they expect and request of us. For example, she might say, "What if I lose my temper and can't control my tongue?" In that case, perhaps we could separate immediately and go to separate spaces, and wait until we've calmed down before talking again...

The purpose of communication is not to make someone listen to the other, but to create an environment where each person can understand the other's needs, which is essential for love and connection.

You might find it helpful to read the book "Nonviolent Communication."

Please feel free to refer to this as needed. Wishing you the best!

Good morning, host.

I am eager to assist you and welcome your feedback.

From reading the question description, I can appreciate the anxiety and helplessness of the poster. I would like to offer the poster my support and understanding.

Before answering the original poster's question, it might be helpful to discuss two concepts: one is called a fact judgment, and the other is called a value judgment. A fact judgment is similar to how we approach an exam, where there is a standard answer. For instance, if you were to ask how tall you are, we could measure it and provide an answer.

However, when it comes to value judgments, there is often no clear-cut answer. To illustrate this, let's consider a simple example: if I were to say that you are too tall.

This is a value judgment because there is no universal standard for height.

I find the original poster's question quite intriguing. I believe many of us may have had a mother who displayed similar characteristics. While her actions may appear impatient, it's possible that her genuine concern for our well-being is what drives her actions.

The original poster is seeking to understand the underlying reasons for this behavior. There could be a number of contributing factors.

However, in China at the moment, I personally feel that cultural factors may play a more significant role. When we were children, we placed a strong emphasis on the hierarchy and order of status.

In psychology, we refer to this as the superior-inferior dynamic. While it may be intuitive to assume that the mother is the superior figure, it's essential to recognize that the child also occupies an inferior position. The mother's assertion is not solely based on her superior status, but also on her challenge to that status by not adhering to her instructions. This implies that she is capable of expressing both love and anger simultaneously.

It could be said that the way we Chinese express love is deeply influenced by our original family. If it was not easy to express love in our original family, especially the expression of love by our father, we might be more reserved in this regard. Many people spend their whole lives waiting for a word of affirmation from their parents.

Given the difficulty of changing this particular aspect, Peking University psychologist Li Songwei once advised parents that if they ever feel that they may have been a little harsh with their child, but are unsure how to apologize, they could consider offering a glass of water.

It is not necessary to say sorry to your child specifically. The child may perceive the gesture as an apology from you.

However, when the original poster talks about how to change, there seems to be an assumption that parents' ways of expressing themselves using questions need to be changed. In psychology, we believe that change refers to one's own change, not the change of others.

I believe that parents have been this way all their lives and that they don't necessarily need to change. It may be more helpful to try to understand each other.

I hope this is helpful. It seems that every effort is eager to be seen, eager to get feedback from the host and people with a connection, attention, and praise (useful).

It is a common occurrence for individuals to engage in criticism. This can be observed in various contexts, including between parents and their children, teachers and their students, partners in close relationships, and more. There are likely multiple factors and motives behind this phenomenon. Some potential explanations, based on personal perception, are as follows:

- Concern and worry: The accuser may genuinely care about the other person, but may lack the skills to express their concern in a constructive manner. They may believe that by pointing out problems and offering criticism, they can motivate the other person to improve or avoid mistakes.

- Control and insecurity: Some individuals may attempt to exert control over the behavior of others or gain more control by blaming. This behavior may result from their own insecurity or fear of how things are developing.

- Personal experiences and values: Personal experiences and values can also influence the expression of accusatory care. Those who were brought up in an educational environment that was critical and accusatory may be inclined to express their care in the same way.

Some individuals may experience challenges in managing their emotions effectively, which can result in the expression of emotions in an accusatory manner when providing care to others.

Insufficient communication skills may result in individuals expressing their concerns in a negative and destructive manner, rather than in a positive and constructive way.

It is important to note that, from a positive psychology perspective, accusatory care is not necessarily intended with ill intent. However, it often causes the other person to feel negative emotions, such as frustration, anger, or hurt.

Healthy concern should be based on respect, understanding, and support, and care and help should be expressed in a positive way. It is important that both parties work to improve their communication skills and learn more effective ways to cope with challenging situations.

I hope this response is helpful to you.