What should I do if I am isolated, in conflict, and my friends only care about their own ideas and it hurts?

Hello, I'm June.

You went to vocational high school with a junior high school friend, and you promised to stick together and go through high school together. But then she found other friends and playmates, and she started to drift further and further away from you. You argued, made up, and argued again. You wrote notes to her, but it was no use. You felt sad and isolated. Give yourself a hug. It will give you strength.

I started at the vocational high school with a friend from junior high. We'd been in junior high together for three years, but we weren't really close. When we got here, we promised not to make friends with people who weren't on friendly terms. It's just the two of us hanging out.

You mentioned "plastic," which I think means you two seem to be getting along well on the surface, but in reality you're not very close, right?

Before entering an unfamiliar environment, everyone feels a little anxious and fearful. They worry that they won't be able to cope with the new environment on their own. So they look for someone they know to "build up their courage." Can we say that your agreement to hang out in high school was actually a way to build each other's courage and morale?

Later, because of the epidemic, we were locked down at school for a long time. During this period, we had a fight. Her relationship with her roommate improved, even surpassing mine. I felt dissatisfied and asked her about it, but I was met with incomprehension.

If you think about how you felt in that situation, it's a bit like when you were a kid. You liked a toy, but other kids liked it too. Your mom said that kids should know how to share and gave your toy to someone else to play with. You cried and cried, but instead of comforting you, your mom scolded you for being so selfish. Have you ever thought about

First, she's a person, not a toy. So, how can she belong to you alone?

Secondly, if she doesn't interact with other students, will you still value her as much? Do you like her as a person, or do you like having her all to yourself?

Then we had a fight. She didn't look for me, but avoided me. She hung out with the others in the dorm. There were six of them in the dorm, four of them took her, and the other five were together. I was the only one left out. I wrote notes to make up with her, and I even put aside my pride. But she treated my sincerity as a joke to be told after dinner, telling others about it, talking about junior high school, and saying what kind of person I was. But I still wrote the notes and licked my face. Then we made up for the last time. We had a fight over a trivial matter. As usual, I wrote a note. During the cold war, she spent every day laughing and joking with them, while I was always alone. I was in class during lunch and evening rest periods. I told her a lot about how I felt, but she only cared about her own thoughts. I was really sad. Which group led the others in the dorm to isolate me together?

In this text, you've mentioned three things: first, she's integrated into other groups, and you feel isolated; second, she told other students about your junior high school days; and third, you made up with her and told her how you felt, but she only cares about her own feelings.

Let's look at these questions together.

1. You want to be friends with her, and it hurts to lose her. This shows that she has qualities that make people like her, right? So is it also very normal for her to be liked by other people?

Given that there are many people who like her, surely she has the right to choose?

You're having a disagreement with her. If she chooses you, it means she'll have to put up with your unhappiness and probably have to look after you. With someone else, she doesn't have to think about any of this and can just be happy and be herself. If it were you, what would you choose?

2. She's been sharing some things from your junior high school days with other people. Are you okay with that?

You feel threatened or ashamed when these things are brought up, don't you?

It's like you're out in the wilderness and you encounter a hungry wolf. Do you expect the wolf to let you go? Or do you find a way to escape, or pick up a weapon and fight the wolf?

3. You've had a few arguments and sent her notes to tell her your thoughts, but she's become distant. It's making you feel bad.

I'm curious if you're really listening to her and understanding her needs right now.

Human relationships are a two-way street. If two people want to make it, they have to give and understand each other. Otherwise, they'll fall apart.

I hope these suggestions are useful for you. Best wishes!

Hello, question asker.

It's really tough to see all the effort you've put in to repair your friendship and to see your genuine efforts being mocked. Let me give you a warm hug. Always believe that the world and I love you.

It's clear you're a very affectionate and ambitious girl who wants to keep herself clean. You've made a lot of attempts and efforts to restore your friendship, which takes a lot of perseverance. I applaud your perseverance. Let's review what actually happened to make your friendship sink.

Because of the pandemic, we've been locked down at school for a long time. During this period, we had a fight. She and her roommate became closer and closer, even closer than me. I felt dissatisfied and asked her about it, but I was met with incomprehension. Later, when we had a fight, she didn't come to me but avoided me.

You had an argument because you're jealous that she's getting along better with the other roommates, right? Do you feel like she's betrayed you?

So you feel pretty disappointed and angry with her, right? You want to be her only friend, do you think that's reasonable?

Jealousy is a psychological tendency to strongly desire to exclude or undermine the superiority of others. It's an intense emotion that contains elements of hatred. In fact, everyone living in society has a jealous mind to varying degrees.

It's normal to value what others think of you and pay attention to your position in the group. But being overly competitive and rejecting others shows a narrow mind.

It seems like your anger is not just about your best friend's betrayal, but also about not being accepted by your roommates. You feel like they're laughing and joking while you're left out, which makes you even angrier. It seems like you're being a bit arrogant. You want to join the group, so why can't you just admit it?

I'm not sure if your roommates are in the same class as you. If they are, then there's no difference between high and low. I'm sure there were lots of times during the epidemic when you supported and encouraged each other, and these are all precious moments.

I think you should trust your good friend. She can see people's true colors and tell right from wrong. Why not join their ranks?

If you feel isolated from the whole class, it's probably because you don't value yourself enough. Our emotions can be easily affected by what's going on around us. If you want to change your situation, the first thing you need to do is accept yourself. Admit your weaknesses, understand how they hold you back from becoming more popular, learn how to manage your weaknesses, stop trying to control everything, and let go of your fantasies and obsessions about the "perfect self" and "perfect world." Build your resilience and develop your own resources. You could even use your strengths to help others break the stalemate.

I'd like to suggest that you take on the challenge on the Yi Xinli platform: find your own bright spots for 30 days without repeating them. To become someone everyone likes, the first step is to like yourself first, don't you think?

I'm a psychological counselor, Zhang Huili. I hope my answer helps you. If you find it useful, please give me a like. Also, looking for the bright spots in others can help you become more popular.

I hope your life will soon be filled with sunshine and laughter, and that you'll say goodbye to all your pain and worries.

Hello!

Your friend ignores you, lowers her guard in an attempt to make peace, but you don't understand her and she ends up isolated. You feel aggrieved, uncomfortable, and helpless.

Let's start at the beginning.

The three of them weren't close in junior high school, but when they started at the same vocational school, they teamed up and made a pact.

She gradually became closer to her roommate, and they became much closer than you did. You felt angry and betrayed, and suggested that you fulfill the original agreement, which led to an argument.

She formed a group with more people, and you asked for peace, but instead you felt mocked and isolated.

It looks like she's moved away from you in this new environment, surrounded by roommates and other people, while you're the only one left.

Transformation

In the process, there were two big changes. First, the "plastic friend" became an "ally." Second, she had a closer friend, a new "ally."

The first transformation is down to a change in environment. When you're in an unfamiliar environment, it's always good to have some familiar faces around, because it gives you a sense of security.

The second transition lasts for a while in a new environment. Once you've got used to the unfamiliar, you feel secure and start to explore new relationships.

It looks like you're at different stages now.

She's still in a relationship.

We can ask ourselves if we want her as a friend or an "intimate" relationship, and if it can be someone else.

A relationship always starts, then it's stable, then it changes, and then it ends. It can last a long time or just a short while.

There are many reasons why a relationship might drift apart, including distance, changes in circumstances, differences in personal values, or changes in interests.

Not every relationship is warm and harmonious. There can be arguments, splits, jealousy, and disapproval.

When a relationship ends, you might feel regret, sadness, or anger.

How to handle a relationship ending, how to start a new relationship, and how to be our best selves may be things we always have to think about.

It's always on our minds.