What should I do if my 15-year-old daughter has been speaking in an odd way for the past two years?

My child, I was happy to read that you're exploring yourself. I have two children. The older is two years older, and the younger is three years younger. You're brave, smart, and kind.

As a first-time mother, I am also bringing the trauma of my original family to motherhood. When my eldest child entered adolescence, I didn't know that 15 is the new 18. I always treated her like a little doll, and even her rebellion triggered my old trauma. The soul of a child is actually older than that of their parents.

Our generation of parents is difficult to deal with. Your mother is experiencing separation anxiety and trauma. You can help her.

You are precise and observant. You know how to protect and care for yourself. You seek recognition and approval. Your mother's treatment of you makes you feel worthless. This is an excellent time to develop your self-identity. The external evaluation system will lose its effectiveness. You will heal and grow.

You should be a child with strong learning and language abilities. There are many courses and books on the Yi Xin platform. If you have time to learn, you can learn more about psychology.

The book The Ladder to Heaven says that certain areas of the brain stop developing because of abuse, neglect, or chronic stress. You can read this book.

Bless you and your mother. You must be an angel sent from heaven to save her.

I'm Zhang Huili, a listening therapist. Send me a private message if you want to chat.

Dear question asker,

It is likely that you are currently in your third year of high school, which means that, over the past two years, you have faced greater academic pressure than in previous years. Additionally, you have reached puberty, which has led to a situation in which you are unable to understand your mother and feel anxious about your lack of self-confidence and helplessness.

It is possible that you are going through puberty, and that your mother is going through menopause. In other words, the stages of puberty and menopause may be occurring concurrently, and it is likely that everyone encounters these stages in life.

You indicate that your mother's behavior has been unusual over the past two years. This could be attributed to a number of factors, including the possibility that you did not fully observe her behavior during your earlier years due to a lack of attention or that she has entered menopause and undergone a change in her behavior. Ultimately, the responsibility for understanding this shift lies with you.

It is recommended that you observe the situation based on your actual circumstances.

Given that your current difficulties in your relationship with your mother are causing you distress, it is important to understand that those who are suffering are the ones who seek help. It is also crucial to recognise that those who are suffering may change their behaviour in an attempt to adapt their relationship. You have identified the problem and have sought help on this platform, which is an important first step. In psychology, there is a view that self-awareness is the first step towards change. In other words, you have now embarked on the path of healing yourself.

The question thus arises as to how one might improve one's relationship with one's mother. In this regard, I will offer my personal opinion.

First, I would like to discuss the words in your question.

You stated that from childhood to adulthood, your mother never offered you praise, consistently identified shortcomings in your actions, and was sarcastic. However, you then made a particular assertion that prompted me to inquire further. You indicated that you have become a conduit for your mother's self-promotion. It is indeed possible for individuals to become unwitting instruments in their parents' efforts to showcase their children. Your mother's actions, therefore, would suggest that she views you as a source of pride.

Your mother only disseminates information about your positive attributes to others, but she has never offered you a personal compliment.

Secondly, if my hypothesis is correct, namely that you are your mother's pride, yet she has not conveyed this to you directly and continues to treat you in a peculiar manner, I posit that your mother's actions align with the character of people in our traditional society. These individuals, belonging to the previous generation, were prone to discouraging their children from becoming arrogant, offering them little to no praise, and instead focusing on their shortcomings. They believed that by highlighting these perceived deficiencies, their children would strive for improvement. While this approach may have had some merit, it is important to recognize the underlying motivation, which was driven by a genuine desire for their children's advancement.

Secondly, to phrase it in a less extreme manner, your mother is currently exhibiting these behaviours, or she has only become so in the past two years. In the face of such a mother, it is imperative that we respond in a positive manner. It is only through finding ways to change and adapt ourselves that we can live a better life. Consider how strong your learning ability is. You are aware that by coming here to ask for help and ask questions, your mother does not have this awareness. She believes she is doing the right thing and lives in her own world of thoughts. Therefore, we have such a mother, and we must acknowledge that her original intention is good, but because of her own limited perception, she has adopted inappropriate methods. We are in the process of learning, and we have a strong learning ability! It is, therefore, important that we improve our cognitive ability and look at our mother's actions from a different perspective.

It is likely that you will have more opportunities at school in the future. This will entail progressing from junior high school to high school and then to university. As a result, you will have less time to spend with your mother.

As one matures, one becomes increasingly capable of learning and increasingly independent. The influence of one's mother on one's life also diminishes. It is important to consider the future self, five years hence, and to recognize that the mother figure is also aging and becoming less influential. It is essential to believe in one's own capacity for growth and to recognize that the mother's words may not accurately reflect reality. The expectation that one cannot succeed may itself be a limiting factor.

In order to secure a brighter future, it is essential to proactively identify avenues for self-improvement.

I am confident that you will succeed. The world and I support you!

Good day, To whom it may concern,

From your inquiry, I discern that you are experiencing blame from your mother, sadness, frustration, and a hint of anger. I empathize with your situation and hope that the following perspective will be of benefit.

"No matter what I do, my mother is quick to find fault and deliver a lecture. I've never heard her offer praise, even as a child."

From this sentence, we can see that your mother does not accept some of your behaviors and believes that these "problems" of yours need to be corrected. However, she has never corrected you in a reasonable way. In fact, such a person also reflects in her heart that she does not accept herself either, and does not allow these things to happen. She has no praise for you, and has an image of perfectionism towards you, hoping that you will always do things according to her own ideas.

"I feel like I'm just a tool for her to show off. I can only please her to get a smile from her. When I was little, I liked to sing, but she always criticized me, which made me very insecure. Now she tells me I'm fat every day, but I'm actually below average. If I eat one more bite of food, she'll say, 'You're still eating? You're so skinny! Some people don't even know how fat they are.'

You feel that you are merely a tool for your mother to showcase, and that you are being manipulated. You believe that the only way to make her happy is to please her, but in fact, you also need to please her to prove to her that you are worthy of love and encouragement. You hope that these behaviors of yours will win her encouragement and that you won't be blamed. However, your mother does not accept this, including your weight. This also reflects in your heart how your mother treats your figure, which she also does not accept or allow.

"She can engage in self-talk for an extended period. When I relay information from school, she simply states, 'You studied hard at school.'

This has caused me to become very anxious. Despite my best efforts to communicate with her, she consistently ignores me, focusing on her phone instead.

She can engage in self-talk for an extended period. I believe your mother is experiencing feelings of loneliness and isolation. She requires your physical presence and verbal communication to feel supported. Individuals with this personality trait often exhibit low levels of inner security, which may result from an inadequate supply of inner psychological energy. This can lead to a lack of empathy and listening skills. The inner child in such individuals has not matured and may require nurturing.

It is worth noting that there are many parents who adopt a similar approach. In Chinese families, for instance, it is not uncommon for parents to use accusations as a means of influencing their children's behaviour, with the underlying intention of controlling their children's thoughts and actions. However, this strategy is ultimately self-serving and driven by a desire to exploit their children for personal gain.

In the event that you are facing a situation in which you perceive your parents to be blaming you, it is advisable to communicate with them effectively and inquire about their motivation for treating you in such a manner. You may wish to express that you are comfortable with your current physical appearance and that you would prefer to be slightly more overweight, rather than as thin as a skeleton. Additionally, you could convey that you believe that being overweight is also an attractive physical attribute. In the event that your parents are treating you with a particular emotion, it is important to respond in a calm and composed manner, reassure them, calm your own emotions, and express your feelings. For instance, you could say, "I have listened to my mother's words, and I feel very hurt. I hope you can accept my current state." It is also possible to offer suggestions. If you communicate with your mother in a calm and gentle way, it may encourage her to reflect on her own self-perception and potentially make changes. The most crucial aspect is for her to accept herself and also accept you. If you are unable to change yourself, you may wish to seek the guidance of a counselor. A counselor can provide assistance in improving your relationship with your mother.

I hope this information is useful to you.

Hello. I hope you're well.

Let's examine how your mother typically treats you, based on your description and observations.

1. Being weird (nitpicking) – attacking (hostility): There's a good chance that behind this is hidden high expectations, high standards, and the pursuit of perfection. There may also be jealousy (putting oneself in a competitive relationship), but all of this is just speculation. I don't know what it really is, but you can definitely try to find out what the hostility is. Once you know what the hostility is, respond to the need behind that hostility. What I see may be more of a need for recognition (and this may be her projection on you. She lacks something to project, and you are also prone to accept that projection, so it completes the loop. Alternatively, you express submission or loyalty, which is also control. You take what she gives you).

2. They like to please and feel like they're using you as a show-off tool. They need recognition. This can be seen as a kind of unhealthy narcissism, but narcissism and inferiority are often one and the same.

3. Blocking communication (not reacting to the content/but reacting emotionally: uh-huh, aah, oh, and perfunctory responses are also a kind of reaction)—this is not too bad, at least.

Loved ones are often treated as an extension of oneself, so it's likely that these ways of treating you are also how she treats herself.

Let's take a look at you. You lack self-confidence and anxiety. If you've been treated like this for a long time, you'll think you're only worthy of love if you meet her high standards and satisfy her demands. At this time, your self-confidence is likely to weaken. This is in line with the development of these emotions for you to feel this way at the moment. These perceptions and emotions could also be something you've inherited.

A person with a lot of these needs (many standards/mental things, etc.) is lacking and cannot see the other person for who they really are. It is difficult for her to see what is really going on with you (emotionally and spiritually).

You need to work hard in two directions to make a radical change. This is generally applicable to most problems.

Replenish mental energy. As I said before, you need to be relatively full to face the real world and see the people around you. So, replenishing mental energy is the first thing you need to do.

This includes dealing with emotional problems (anxiety), enhancing a sense of efficacy and a sense of worth (cognition), and so on. You must fill in whatever is lacking.

You can focus your energy on people and situations that give you recognition and satisfy your needs first. Do things that release emotions and build a sense of self-worth. When most people (including yourself) recognize your own self, the fact that others don't may not affect your self-confidence and sense of worth. This is the norm, and you know it.

Here's a different approach:

Try a different approach to communication. Write instead of speaking. This strange and hostile behavior is not the norm. Express it (firmly but without hostility) when you can communicate harmoniously.

If you don't get a reasonable response when you express your emotions and needs normally, you may give up doing so and suppress them. This is why it's crucial to replenish your mental energy.

Another way is to respond directly to the other person's needs when they are acting strange. This is an effective way to connect. At this time, you are not looking at yourself, but at the other person.

Write some response methods (for your reference).

Go home and tell her what happened at school.

She: You really study hard at school.

Me: Absolutely. I am very serious. (Echo her words and express agreement. There can be two attitudes in this: the first is hostile, and the second is sarcastic.)

(Without hostility) – You can clearly see the difference in the responses here. The first one focuses on the emotion, while the second focuses on the content (without taking on the hostility).

You must not take things you don't like (not everything the other person gives you).

Another is non-violent communication, which many people promote. It's simple: observation (not evaluation) + feelings + needs + requests.

"Mom, what you just told me, 'XXX (repeat),' makes me feel uncomfortable and unappreciated. I expect you to affirm me and praise me more."

Avoid hostility and be tolerant. Recognize that a need may not be met, and that it is not your problem. It is the other person's inability to give you what you want. This is a kind of ability and willingness.

Finally, there is one more situation to add. There are people who are not very articulate and do not have high emotional intelligence. When communicating, you must pay attention to whether the emotions really contain hostility. Most normal people can sense this kind of hostility, but it may be difficult to distinguish whether the hostility is from yourself or the other person (or both). I'm going to give you a reminder.

You must practice and gain experience. You can only change yourself. You must minimize the negative influence of others, mature, and solve your own problems (find resources that can help you).

Ask me anything you want to know.

Best regards,

It's clear that your relationship with your mother is causing you a lot of trouble. You care about her, but her strange behavior when talking to you or commenting on you makes you feel uncomfortable, puts you under a lot of pressure, and even makes you feel very anxious. I understand how you feel!

It is important to understand how to view your mother's attitude.

Every child is acutely aware of their mother's attitude. From the moment they are born, a mother's attention, companionship, and love reflect the child's own sense of self, who sees themselves in their mother's eyes and feels their existence through their mother's caresses and interactions. This sense of existence is the foundation of personality formation.

A child who receives enough love and attention and enjoys quality companionship and care will gradually get to know themselves and experience their own growth as they grow up. They will explore the outside world with confidence and assurance. A child who does not receive enough love and attention will lack a sense of security. This lack of security will leave a psychological trauma in the child.

Furthermore, children are dependent on their mothers from birth, and their mothers are powerful figures in their lives. Children are always used to trusting their mothers and adjusting themselves according to their mothers' wishes, trying their best to please their mothers and win their mothers' love and affirmation.

From your description, it's clear that your mother is overly critical of people and things. She tends to express her emotions negatively, and her thoughts are often unpredictable. For instance, even though you're not overweight, she still makes sarcastic comments when you eat. When you tell her about something that happened at school, her response is full of sarcasm.

You always feel that your mother is picking on you and being sarcastic. She cares about you, but her expression lacks acceptance and affirmation. A sarcastic attitude leaves children at a loss, unable to figure out what they have done wrong or where the fault lies. They just instinctively feel that they are bad, and over time this will make them very insecure.

You need to learn to differentiate yourself.

You need to learn to differentiate yourself to get rid of anxiety.

You are already very anxious about your relationship with your mother. When you communicate with her, she ignores you. It must be very disappointing and helpless for you to see that your mother is unaware of and indifferent to your feelings.

Parents' true love for their children is love given from the child's perspective and according to the child's developmental needs. This kind of true love, centered on the child's needs, will enable the child to become a person who loves themselves, loves others, has a strong sense of self, a healthy independent personality, and a high degree of creativity.

True parental love for their children is love that is given from the child's perspective and according to the child's developmental needs. This kind of love is the key to becoming a person who loves themselves, loves others, has a strong sense of self, a healthy independent personality, and a high degree of creativity.

Parents who can give this kind of love must possess this kind of independent personality and a complete self. They must have a full understanding of the role of parents and be able to clearly define family responsibilities.

It is unfortunate that not every parent is able to give their child this kind of love. We must acknowledge that every parent has their own limitations. Many parents may not have received the love and attention they wanted during their own upbringing, and they may also carry the scars of their upbringing.

Every child has no choice in the kind of parents they have, which is quite helpless. But you can choose to grow up and heal the wounds caused by your parents. You can become a person who can take the baton of happiness and well-being into your own hands.

This is self-differentiation.

Self-differentiation is the ability to think and reflect. It means having your own judgment when faced with other people's emotions and behaviors and being able to balance your thoughts and feelings. Let your emotions and behaviors be rational and not be influenced or swayed by others.

Self-differentiation is crucial for personal growth. Learning to differentiate ourselves empowers us to disregard external opinions, avoid letting them affect us, and recognize that we have the autonomy to control our emotions, even if it's our own parents.

When others praise us, I thank them, and I know my limitations. When others belittle me, I feel sad, but I know I have value and merits of my own. If I believe this, I won't be easily controlled by others and I'll be capable of paying for my own emotions.

Make your adolescence colorful!

You are only 15 years old, and your future is full of possibilities. This is your greatest asset. You have the ability to talk about the problems your mother has brought you here, which shows that you have sufficient self-awareness. This is a very commendable quality. It will help you lead a better life in the future.

I've given you all the tools you need to get out of this rut. Now it's time to take action. Here's what you can do:

First, stick to your own ideas and don't try to interpret your mother's behavior and attitude. For example, if you communicate your feelings to your mother, and she doesn't pay any attention to you on the surface, it could be a way for her to hide her embarrassment.

Say what you want to say and don't waste time trying to figure out what her expression means.

Second, stop focusing on your mother's emotions and establish boundaries between your emotions and hers. Your mother's expressions are a reflection of her inner emotions, which have little to do with you and are often caused by other people or other things.

If you pay too much attention to her emotions, she'll learn to rely on you to release them. This will trap you in a vicious cycle. If you're not affected by her emotions, she'll learn to control them in front of you.

Setting boundaries is the best way forward for you and your mother.

Third, pay more attention to things that interest you and make your life rich and colorful. You will make more friends at school and do the things you like with them. You can also spend your free time reading books and watching movies to enrich your life.

Focusing on your own feelings and taking control of your life will boost your confidence, make you stronger, and reduce the influence of others.

I am Teng Ying, a psychological counselor, and I know this will help!