Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I am Kelly Shui, a psychotherapist, and on this winter night, I would like to discuss the topic of love.
What is the appropriate course of action if one feels unloved? How can one achieve mental health?
In the absence of feelings of love, individuals may turn to self-love as a substitute. The first step in this process is to establish a sense of self-worth.
Psychologist Le Bastide elucidates this line of thinking as follows:
The question thus arises as to why such thoughts are held.
Indeed, a considerable number of individuals adhere to this perspective. The underlying cause can be attributed to a discrepancy in communication patterns between adults, which manifests as a shift in attitudes compared to the selfless devotion observed in parent-child relationships.
The emotional world of adults is replete with a multitude of elements. While they are inclined to give, they also require a reciprocal exchange and are, to a certain extent, autonomous. Nevertheless, the desire for love is an intrinsic human need.
We must first consider how the psychology of being unloved develops.
1. A deficiency in self-confidence
Those who espouse the belief that "no one loves me" may, in fact, be driven by a profound need for praise from friends, a phenomenon that may be attributed to a dearth of affection in their upbringing.
Psychologists posit that this need for external validation is indicative of a deficit in self-assurance. During their formative years, children receive scant encouragement and affirmation from their parents, which may contribute to a sense of inadequacy.
As a result, we lack the confidence to believe that we are worthy of love.
2. Lack of self-understanding
We comprehend the present self, and it is conceivable that this is associated with the absence of growth during the process.
The past is accepted with equanimity, or with feelings of disappointment or pain.
It is important to recognize that despite the lack of familial love, companionship, and other forms of nurturing in one's past, and despite the insufficient love received from one's parents during childhood, it is still possible to understand that one's parents may have striven to provide the best care and support they could.
It is unfortunate that their parents were unable to express their love, which led to the erroneous belief that they were unloved.
We comprehend the past and the rationale behind our current beliefs, which are erroneous and stem from the notion of being unloved.
How might one substantiate a claim of mental health?
In addition, I will provide a few personal recommendations.
1. It is recommended that the individual engage in further introspection and maintain a record of their observations in a journal.
It is irrefutable that childhood experiences and growth play a significant role in an individual's mental health. One can engage in a more profound exploration of their childhood experiences, undertake a review of their own experiences and their relationship with their parents, and potentially gain objective insights and a more nuanced understanding of their parents' parenting styles. It is possible that they are the same parents that innumerable individuals have encountered.
Upon recognizing that they are not the "most unloved" child in the world, individuals are able to develop a more positive and optimistic outlook on life. This realization is a universal experience that can be beneficial in fostering personal growth and the formation of a sound personality.
2. Become an individual who is willing to express themselves and give.
Our relationships with others, including those we have with colleagues and acquaintances, necessitate the establishment of trust through interactions with others. This entails demonstrating sincerity and allowing others to perceive our affection.
As the ancients observed, one receives in proportion to what one gives. Rather than awaiting the arrival of love, it is preferable to cultivate its seeds, beginning with our friends, colleagues, and even strangers in our vicinity. This may be done with a smile, a compliment, an affirmation, or encouragement.
Indeed, when one gives, one is able to observe the joy of others and receive recognition. While there is nothing inherently wrong with happiness, expressing it often requires a willingness to take action, which can be challenging.
3. We accept the imperfections of life.
Indeed, it is recognized that imperfection and suffering are inherent aspects of life, and thus, the pursuit of perfection is not a viable or attainable goal. Perfection is merely an ideal state that does not exist in reality.
By ceasing to idealize and accepting imperfect life circumstances, individuals may experience a reduction in internal conflict and an enhanced capacity to overcome depression even in the absence of external support.
It is recommended that individuals engage in activities that promote personal growth and well-being. These may include attending a movie, reading books from the library, dining at a preferred restaurant, and purchasing a gift for oneself on a regular basis.
One may choose to focus on other aspects, such as hobbies, as a means of forming friendships with individuals who share similar interests.
It would be beneficial to spend more time with interesting and enjoyable individuals and less time with those who are critical and dismissive. Having positive relationships with friends during one's formative years can encourage personal growth and development.
While life may not be perfect, it is possible to create an ideal life for oneself.
The question thus arises as to whether a person always needs to be loved.
If one finds oneself in a situation akin to mine, where parental love is absent, a familial structure is lacking, relatives are indifferent, and interpersonal relationships are strained, what recourse is available if one is unable to find love?
It can be argued that humans require love during their formative years, as they are not yet equipped with the capacity to care for themselves and their emotional well-being. However, as they mature into adulthood, they are able to undergo a process of self-transformation through their own learning and development.
The author's personal experience, despite a challenging relationship with their family of origin, has led them to cultivate a sense of self-love and invest in their own growth and development.
A change in one's social circle, coupled with a shift in family dynamics and a reduction in the proximity of one's loved ones, can afford individuals the opportunity to devote more time to the cultivation of their personal ideals.
Some of my acquaintances enjoy a cordial relationship with their parents and frequently dine with them in the evening. My relationship with my parents is less than optimal, so I began reading at an early age and developed a keen interest in the act of reading.
There are valuable insights to be gained from reading. I have found that reading extensively has led to a shift in my perspective, an enhancement of my self-assurance, and the opportunity to interact with a more diverse range of individuals.
Additionally, one gains a deeper understanding of oneself.
It is advised that one reads more and focuses on the present. It is not possible to change some things, nor the past, but one can take responsibility for one's present circumstances and persevere and work hard. One will thank oneself for one's actions in the present on a future date.
2. Why do I perpetually become enmeshed in the anguish of interpersonal relationships? It is similarly distressing to experience a challenging relationship with another individual.
Such individuals prioritize the needs of others over their own, leading to a lack of self-awareness and self-care. By understanding oneself, one can identify the underlying causes of difficulties and implement strategies for growth and self-improvement.
For those seeking insight into interpersonal relationships, the book Growing in Relationships may prove a valuable resource. It is possible that the pain experienced arises from a desire to break through one's current situation and a reluctance to accept one's life circumstances. Human problems are often complex, and it is not uncommon for pain to be inflicted upon us by others.
It is possible to differentiate between one's interpersonal relationships and one's emotional state, as well as to establish personal boundaries. While it is important to recognize the value of both oneself and others, it is of paramount importance to cultivate a healthy relationship with oneself.
The experience of suffering indicates a desire to grow, to break through, and to understand. This process is akin to the journey undertaken by the questioner in search of an answer.
3. What are the causes of various psychological disorders?
This is an excellent question, as we are all human beings with our own unique backgrounds, upbringings, parenting styles, and ages. Consequently, it is essential to understand and examine various psychological issues to identify which needs are unmet or lacking.
Psychological problems are not inherently problematic; however, failing to recognize their presence or allowing them to persist can have adverse effects. Individuals who are particularly thoughtful and outstanding may be particularly susceptible to the negative consequences of such problems.
Psychological problems are analogous to physical ailments. Given that individuals consume a diverse array of foods, it is inevitable that they will experience illness. The moon undergoes fluctuations, and emotions encompass a vast spectrum. When an individual is in a negative emotional state, it is a signal from the body that necessitates attention.
It is important to be mindful of her needs.
Professional counselors are equipped to address a wide range of psychological issues, while medical doctors are trained to treat various physical ailments.
In conclusion, I extend my best wishes to you.
I extend my affection to the world and to you.
Comments
I feel you on so many levels. Love is a basic human need, but when it's not coming from family or friends, we have to find it within ourselves and in other places like communities or through activities that bring us joy.
Finding love and connection can be tough when the people closest to us don't provide it. Maybe exploring new hobbies or volunteering could open doors to different relationships where love and support are more available.
It's heartbreaking to feel isolated. Sometimes, the answer lies in seeking professional help or therapy, which can offer tools to cope with the lack of love and build healthier relationships over time.
The pain of complicated interpersonal relationships can really weigh us down. It might help to learn about boundaries and practice saying no, while also working on selflove and understanding our own triggers for neurosis.
Psychological issues often stem from various factors including past experiences. Focusing on personal growth, perhaps through therapy or mindfulness practices, can gradually help an unhealthy mind become healthier and more resilient.