What should I do when I want to leave or end the current relationship upon encountering conflicts and contradictions?

Good day, question asker!

From reading your account, I get the impression that you are a very aware person who can perceive your own similar coping behavior patterns. This is a very positive quality!

For instance, when you find yourself in a disagreement with friends, partners, or family members, you may find yourself reverting to a similar behavioural pattern.

There are a few possible explanations for this situation.

1. It is also possible that you may benefit from this behavior pattern.

I wonder if I might ask what is meant by the term "secondary gain" in psychology?

It is possible that the visitor gains benefits through the illness, such as getting attention from the outside world, parental attention, satisfying their narcissistic mentality, or getting compensation. It seems that the visitor gains more benefits when they are sick than when they are healthy or when they recover from the illness.

In summary, secondary gain can be understood as a way of using symptoms to influence others in a way that serves one's own needs.

The questioner mentioned that they tend to respond to challenges in a similar manner, which may be indicative of a past experience where this approach proved beneficial.

For instance, when your boyfriend does something that doesn't align with your expectations, you tend to end the relationship. This approach has the potential to elicit a response from your boyfriend, where he may express a desire to remain in the relationship. In such instances, you may experience a sense of being highly valued, or a desire to be valued, or even a feeling that the other person is dependent on you.

Additionally, there have been instances where my family and I have had differing opinions and experienced disagreements. On a few occasions, I have even considered leaving home.

It's possible that when you act angry, your family will be more compliant with you. Additionally, if you run away from home, your family will likely be desperate and look for you everywhere. This could also be a way of feeling cared for and valued. It's possible that you use this behavior pattern to satisfy the subconscious' thirst.

2. Could this kind of active severing of relationships be a way to "protect" yourself?

Our actions are often shaped by our inner thoughts and feelings. It seems that the questioner is not fully happy in this relationship, and is therefore avoiding or ending it. It might be helpful to consider the underlying desires and motivations behind these actions.

Perhaps it would be helpful for the original poster to consider whether this behavior might actually be a way of protecting themselves.

I'm concerned about being hurt by others, so I try to address any potential issues as soon as they arise.

Some people may experience a certain level of fear and worry in relationships, which can often be related to their upbringing. They may feel a sense of unease about losing control of the relationship, being hurt in the relationship, being denied, or being rejected. In such instances, they may choose to take the initiative to cut off contact as a means of maintaining some control over the situation. By doing so, they can at least retain some agency in the relationship and potentially manage the pain they may be experiencing.

If you don't take the initiative to end the relationship, it might become unmanageable, and the pain you experience at this time might be overwhelming. It might be helpful for the original poster to reflect on their feelings in the relationship. Is there a sense of fear?

Perhaps cutting off the relationship on your own initiative could be seen as a way to protect yourself. You may wish to reflect on this carefully.

3. It would be beneficial to learn how to deal with it in a constructive manner.

From a psychological perspective, it is not uncommon for us to respond in familiar ways when dealing with our emotions or external events. It is similar to when we go to a certain destination and realize that there are actually many roads that can get there, but we tend to habitually take the same one. It is also the case when we go to the store to buy something and we always tend to go to a store we're familiar with.

Often, we find ourselves dealing with our emotions in ways that may not be the most effective, even though we may not have a better option at the time.

With the benefit of new learning, we may find ourselves able to express our emotions in different ways and have new experiences. This could lead to a shift away from our old patterns. The original poster may therefore wish to consider learning and self-improvement, increasing their awareness, exploring more constructive ways of expressing their emotions, and developing more mature communication skills.

I believe it has the potential to make a difference and help us better understand and get to know others. I highly recommend Nonviolent Communication for communication.

The original poster may also find it helpful to read some books on the subject or listen to some audio recordings to learn more about reasonable emotional expression and mature ways to deal with conflicts.

I wish you the best!

Good morning.

In interpersonal relationships, those who are sensitive and unsociable may find their approach often differs from their true inner wishes. This could also be why many emotionally attuned people may find it challenging to easily enter into intimate relationships and reveal their hearts to their lovers.

In emotional relationships, women may find it challenging to rationally analyze situations or to fully trust their partners' decisions about their personal value. This emotional sensitivity and psychological self-protection can sometimes lead to conflicts and contradictions.

If we consider that women are not the ones who create problems in their relationships, but rather feel insecure and make decisions based on emotions when they cannot get timely understanding and care when problems arise, then after the emotion subsides, they may display signs of anti-emotional behavior and try to reconcile with their partners.

How might we consider adjusting unhealthy emotional coping mechanisms?

It would be beneficial to maintain the lubricity of the intimate relationship and reduce criticism.

If the questioner is unaware of the potential negative impact of their high standards and demands on their partner in an intimate relationship, it may be helpful for them to consider adjusting their emotions, using gentleness instead of accusations, and feelings instead of criticism when talking to their partner. This could help to avoid focusing on "right and wrong" and causing hurt feelings, which could potentially damage the relationship.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider lowering your sensitivity and learning to listen to other people's feelings.

It is only natural for people with different backgrounds to have disagreements when they communicate with each other. We must be careful not to let our own sensitivities escalate things to the point of breaking up a relationship. Instead of a rejection and non-acceptance attitude, we must first learn to listen and feel the other person's inner feelings and thoughts. Conversely, we must also see that the reason it is difficult to accept different ideas is because of internal feelings of insecurity and a fear of being abandoned.

It may be helpful to learn to control negative emotions and turn to a positive attitude towards problem solving.

[Open-hearted communication] and [hostile communication]. It is often the case that the former will lead to a positive development of the problem, while the latter will make the problem more negative. This is because pessimism and negativity cannot mobilize positive energy, nor can they convey positive energy to the other person. As a result, it is more likely that both parties will become caught up in a negative emotional vortex, which will prevent them from seeing the problem clearly.

If we recognize this characteristic, we can change the emotional interaction mode of "punishment" and deal with it in a more positive manner. Perhaps we could talk more about our inner feelings, let the other person perceive our true inner needs, and not pursue a perfect mentality to demand the other person.

Wishing you the best,

Hello, dear questioner!

What should I do if I want to leave or end the current relationship at the first sign of conflict? Let's sort it out together, my friend.

As the original poster has noticed, this is a way of dealing with conflict that we picked up as kids. It's a kind of automatic thinking that leads to certain behaviors, like breaking up or running away from conflict. These behaviors are related to how our parents in our original family resolved conflicts. We may have picked up our parents' way of resolving family conflicts.

This way of avoiding is also a self-defense mechanism. It might seem like you're the one taking the initiative to end the relationship, but deep down, you might be afraid of taking responsibility. For example, you might be afraid of facing the pain caused by the breakup or the various opinions of others on the breakup.

On the other hand, you might feel like you don't have control over the relationship, and that can naturally lead to the idea of ending it.

Another possibility is to attract the other person's attention. When we break up, we're really just reminding the other person of their words and deeds, and hoping that they'll meet our needs.

Let's think about it together: What is our purpose in breaking up? Once we've found the reason, we can adopt the best approach to deal with it.

If it's the first point, it could be a fear of responsibility. It's totally normal not to become lovers or unable to enter into marriage.

When this relationship ends, we'll finally know what kind of person is right for us. And the next time around, we'll be even better off!

Have you ever heard the saying, "Marriage is like a shoe: only the wearer knows whether it fits or not"? It's a great way to think about relationships! What others see is just the appearance and value of the shoe, but you know best whether it's a good fit for you.

If it's the second point, it might be a power struggle in the relationship, which is the most common conflict in love and marriage. This is totally normal! It just requires mutual communication. One way is to say, "You decide today, I'll decide tomorrow." If you decide, the other person will obey completely.

Another way to go about this is to find out if the other person is willing to obey or share power. You can decide which part you want to take on and the other person can decide which part they want to take on. It's a great idea to find a way to get along well together!

If it's the third point, we can take a direct approach and state our needs to get the other person's attention. People in love always think, "If you love me, you should know what's on my mind and take the initiative to meet my needs."

This is just a good wish, and in reality it is very difficult to achieve. But you can do it! We can let go of our pride and express our needs in writing or verbally.

It's so important to express yourself in a way that's kind and respectful. When you're feeling frustrated, it can be really helpful to talk about how the other person's actions make you feel and what you'd like them to do to make you feel valued.

Of course, these methods are more idealistic, which makes them more rational ways of solving problems. And when we're in the middle of an emotion, it's tough to do so.

This is because our senses give us information super-fast, and it's this information that causes our emotions to kick in. Our emotions then allow us to apply the learned behavior model to the information at the first opportunity.

It's so important to be aware of our emotions and to manage them well if we want to change our behavior patterns. With that in mind, I'd like to suggest the following:

When you want to break up, take a moment to pause and say to yourself, "I'll tell him tomorrow."

Take a little break from each other and give yourselves some space to think things over. Go for a walk, catch a movie, or do something fun on your own.

Let go of conflict. Ask yourself, "If you loved him, what would you do?" Then do what makes the other person happy.

As for other people's conflicts, if they have nothing to do with you, try to remember that it's not your responsibility to worry about it. They'll be fine!

I really hope my answer will be helpful for you!

Wishing you all the best!

Good day. I appreciate your concern. Avoidance is a fundamental instinct that has been present since the earliest days of humanity. When confronted with a potential threat, individuals have two primary reactions: fight or flight.

One of the ways humans cope with stress is by avoiding the situation in question.

First, a detailed examination of the aforementioned statements reveals a recurring theme of stress and avoidance behaviors. The final example is particularly illustrative. The desire to avoid conflict is evident.

If you are reluctant to act as the arbiter of your own situation, it may be because you lack the confidence to resolve the issue at hand.

Secondly, interpersonal skills are typically acquired from one's family of origin. The manner in which parents resolve conflicts may be imprinted on an individual, influencing their approach to similar situations. It may be beneficial to consider whether there was an elder figure in one's upbringing who handled problems in a similar manner.

If so, it is likely that you have learned it from someone else.

Finally, in addition to the inherent solution model, we can continue to learn or improve our own processing model as we grow up. This can be achieved, for example, by learning from those who have processing wisdom. It is never too late to start this process. Of course, you can also get help from an experienced counselor, which will be faster.

Once a problem is identified, it can be addressed and resolved. The crucial first step is recognizing that a problem exists.

I wish you the best of luck!

Hello, I'm Gu Yi. I try to be modest and self-effacing, and I try to remain true to myself.

It seems that we are currently facing some challenges, but I would like to commend you for taking the initiative to recognize your own issues. Identifying these problems is an important first step towards making positive changes.

It would be beneficial to gain a deeper understanding of oneself.

In psychology, self-awareness is a valuable quality that can help us identify and address any discrepancies in our behavior patterns. It is mentioned in the description:

Recently, I ended things with my boyfriend once more. We still care for each other deeply, and I recognize that I bear some responsibility. I have initiated the breakup on numerous occasions, and I am grateful that he remains in communication with me.

I would very much like to reconcile with him, but I am unsure if I will be able to avoid breaking up with him again the first time we have a conflict. I have given this a great deal of thought and realised that I have a tendency to react in this way.

The word "again" suggests that this situation has arisen on numerous occasions. Following some introspection, I have discerned the underlying issue. Primarily, I have consistently exhibited this behaviour, which may be indicative of an inherent tendency. It is akin to the remote control: upon pressing a button, a corresponding programme is initiated. Fortunately, once the issue has been identified, there is still scope for resolution.

I believe this is a very valuable insight.

After becoming aware of this issue, we reflected on our experiences and realized that we tend to avoid contradictions and conflicts, and that we sometimes have difficulty making choices. It is beneficial to recognize these challenges, as it allows us to grow, avoid similar difficulties, and learn from them.

I am pleased that you have come to ask a question and that you are determined to solve this problem. I hope that we can take timely action after becoming aware of the problem, so that we can better help ourselves.

How might we find a more optimal solution?

It may be helpful to consider the potential benefits of psychological suggestion. As we have discussed, even in the face of similar challenges, we have the option to avoid further conflict by calmly suggesting to ourselves that we "hold on, don't say anything for now." This approach could help us to remain calm and find a solution that works for everyone involved.

It would be beneficial to cultivate a positive mindset. Many individuals tend to reveal their character weaknesses during times of crisis. With this in mind, we can set ourselves a small goal in our daily lives, such as saying more positive and optimistic things every day and avoiding negative and pessimistic emotions. This approach can help us make adjustments in our mindset, reduce the number of times we lose our temper in a hurry, and gain more beauty with a more peaceful mindset.

Perhaps we could all benefit from reading more long, classic novels. We all have our moments of emotional outburst, but we deal with them in very different ways, which can result in very different destinies.

If we are not patient enough and our experience is still shallow, we can gain a deeper understanding of life by reading books, learn to cherish the present life better, learn to love the people around us in a better way, and gain insight into the pain that can result from rash words like "break up" and unintentional actions. By developing an open and receptive soul, we can cultivate a capacity to express and receive love in a way that is authentic and meaningful.

I hope this finds you well.

Dear Question Asker,

It appears that your natural response to conflict is to disengage. This is not inherently problematic. If you are unable to respond effectively to each other's conflicts immediately, then temporarily distancing yourself can provide a relatively undisturbed and independent space to process the conflict.

However, when a conflict arises, hurtful words are uttered, the relationship is damaged, and subsequently, remorse is experienced, it becomes evident that this is the root of the distress. It is a universal experience to have been raised in different environments and to hold disparate values, and it is to be expected that there will be occasions when disagreement with others occurs. Nevertheless, it remains a challenge to understand why there is such a tendency to engage in arguments.

It is essential to gain an understanding of the emotion of anger.

Anger is a negative emotion, yet it also serves a protective function. When certain deep-seated needs are not acknowledged and met, and when we are unable to express ourselves in a reasonable manner, anger can manifest as a powerful and overwhelming emotion. In our subconscious, we may choose to use this emotion as a means of attracting attention to our inner needs.

If one is unable to perceive and control one's anger, one may engage in irrational behavior during an argument, including the utterance of hurtful statements.

Consequently, when the underlying needs that give rise to anger are identified, it becomes possible to subdue this emotion and select a more effective mode of communication to express oneself and meet inner needs.

What are the concrete steps that can be taken to achieve this?

First, enhance your emotional awareness. When you experience a slight sense of grievance or anger, temporarily suspend the interaction with the other individual and inform them that you wish to postpone further discussion on the matter for the time being, citing the need to regain composure. Subsequently, disengage from the circumstances that evoke these emotions.

This brief period of withdrawal will afford both parties the opportunity to reflect on how to comprehend and resolve the conflict between them.

A brief respite from the situation will facilitate a more nuanced understanding of the underlying needs that drive one's emotions, preventing hasty actions and the potential ensnarement of the subconscious.

In regard to the subject of communication, I would strongly recommend the book "Nonviolent Communication." It contains a wealth of information regarding common problems and practical methods in interpersonal relationships, and it remains a valuable reference for me. I hope that the above will prove helpful in addressing your question.

I am Big Brain Hole, and I extend my gratitude to you for reading this text.

Good day.

After reading your question, I feel compelled to offer my support and understanding. We all have a tendency to avoid problems when they arise, but it's important to recognize that our thoughts and actions are often beyond our control. This can lead to feelings of frustration and unhappiness.

I believe we can all relate to feeling like we know our own problems, but feeling like we just can't do anything about them. It's reassuring to know that this situation isn't unique to you, as it's something many of us have experienced.

If the questioner is able to recognize their own issues and are motivated to make changes, they have already taken an important first step towards finding a solution.

It seems that we are unable to control our thoughts, and we tend to avoid situations that we find challenging. We may later realize that we should not have avoided a particular situation, but at the time, we were not fully conscious of our actions.

I believe the most beneficial approach for the original poster would be to seek the guidance of a counselor who can assist in desensitization. It would be helpful to consistently remind the original poster of their tendency to avoid in similar situations and to highlight the availability of alternative options. However, it should be noted that the cost may be a factor to consider.

The questioner may also choose to help themselves, and they may find it helpful to have a prop, such as an accessory on their body. We could give this accessory a meaning, which might be that when we are avoiding something, we can look at it or touch it to remind us not to avoid it.

The questioner may also find it helpful to read some books. I would suggest that the questioner read "A Change of Heart" by American author Byron Katie. In this book, the author suggests that we can find three things in the universe: our own affairs, other people's affairs, and the affairs of the heavens.

I believe this book can help us to reduce our expectations of others and to accept ourselves more fully.

I hope my answer is helpful to the original poster. Thank you all for your time. I am Jiusi, at Yixinli, in the world, and I appreciate your attention.