When faced with conflict, I always try to be tolerant and forbearing. I can't express my emotions. What advice do you have?

Hello! You have an amazing ability to perceive. You are aware that when faced with conflict, you always tend to avoid it. Afterwards, you begin to doubt whether there is something wrong with you, and you become self-doubting. You don't want to be the person you are now, and you want to change, which is great because you can do it! Every time you try to change, you encounter some difficulties, which leads you to a point where you don't like yourself very much, but you can work through that.

1. Let's explore why we don't like conflict!

I actually dislike conflict too, but I understand that it is not because I avoid it, but because I long for peace within. I always feel that conflict cannot solve problems, and I am excited to find more harmonious ways to solve problems!

I have a feeling you're just like me—someone who truly wants peace and kindness in the world, not just sometimes, but all the time! It's so inspiring to see that you don't let fear of conflict hold you back.

The great news is that some things in life, things that we don't even realize are major principles, can be resolved without conflict.

Let me give you an example. Imagine you're in a department store and you're chatting with a salesperson. You're having a great conversation and then, out of nowhere, the salesperson has a bad attitude. You feel targeted and you get upset. But what if I told you that the salesperson has just been criticized by the boss, or has poor sales performance, or has just broken up with their boyfriend? In other words, that is the salesperson's emotion and has nothing to do with you. You can choose not to respond or, when you're already angry, you can tell the salesperson that you want the best for your store and that you're just wrapping up your conversation. When the salesperson is almost done, you can say, "I don't want to buy it for now." I know it sounds crazy, but I think you'll be amazed at how it can change the dynamic of the conversation.

And there are also civilized and harmonious ways to solve problems!

2. Each personality is a way to protect oneself—and it's a great way to do it!

No matter what kind of personality we have, it is a natural protective measure. And it's our job to identify the advantages that our personality brings to ourselves!

For example, I once had a visitor who hated her introverted personality and had to become extroverted. When she started to change and experience being outgoing, enthusiastic, social, straightforward, and carefree, she was always uncomfortable and felt great pain inside. But then, something amazing happened! Whenever she stayed quiet, she was happy instead.

At this time, she wholeheartedly embraced the value of her original introverted personality.

3. It's time to interpret yourself in a new way and break through that self-denial!

Keep using your subconscious mind to remind yourself that you are the absolute best version of yourself! You're making the best choices for yourself in every situation.

I can do this or that! It's all my right! Any state is the best! I can choose anger or I can choose calm. But I can't doubt myself!

The subconscious mind is there to guide us and help us make the best arrangements, accept ourselves, and reassure ourselves that this is the best!

Dear Sir/Madam, I hope you find this response helpful.

She is reluctant to express herself when faced with conflict. You also appear to be timid and withdraw when faced with conflict. You cite inaction as the primary reason for your anger. You question why you consistently encounter these issues and why you never learn from them, resulting in ongoing suffering. In fact, at an unconscious level, we may know that we should express ourselves and stand up for ourselves and our boundaries. However, at a subconscious level, when we encounter conflict, we tend to withdraw and become timid. This may be a form of protection for us and is related to our upbringing. However, it is evident that you do not want to keep withdrawing in conflict. You still want to be able to protect your boundaries, correct?

I advise you to:

1. Identify the reason for your apprehension regarding conflict and examine the underlying reasons for your reluctance to express yourself in such situations.

It is important to note that fear of conflict and a tendency to become timid and withdrawn in the face of it are merely superficial behaviors and reactions. However, without an understanding of the underlying causes, it can be challenging to effect meaningful change. In many cases, the fear of expressing oneself in the context of conflict or contradiction in a relationship stems from the concern that doing so may lead to unhappiness and a loss of likeability in the other person.

To avoid conflict and contradiction, we must prioritize the other person's needs to gain their approval and recognition. While the relationship may appear harmonious on the surface, underlying anger and dissatisfaction can lead to frustration and resentment when unresolved. These suppressed emotions may resurface when least expected, so it's essential to express them constructively while also addressing our own needs.

When you inquired about a product while shopping, the service staff informed you that you could easily see it for yourself. The manager then intervened and stated that you could not make that assertion. However, she continued to engage in a dispute with you.

She does not believe it is appropriate, and then proceeds to take the matter further.

From her perspective, she may have been in a less than optimal mood and hoped that the customer could see for herself, etc., so this kind of behavior occurred. And when you didn't cooperate, she felt that you weren't meeting her expectations, that you didn't understand her, that you were on her side, so she started addressing the situation in a more assertive manner.

However, was your own conduct entirely justifiable? From your perspective, you had requested an explanation and considered this to be within the scope of her duties. Consequently, you had anticipated a detailed account. However, this was not forthcoming, leading to a sense of disappointment and frustration, given that your expectations had not been met.

At that time, you did not respond, and perhaps she felt safe to "attack" you, so she kept talking. In that situation, you were unable to express your frustration, but it was still present. You wanted to respond in a confrontational manner, but your subconscious mind, protecting you, chose to back down. This caused a conflict within you, and you felt very conflicted...

2. It is essential to identify methods to enhance our inner fortitude, empowering us to express ourselves without concern for being disliked by others.

Accordingly, the primary reason for our apprehension towards conflict is likely due to a concern about being disliked by others. Additionally, we may hesitate to express ourselves because we lack the inner confidence. By addressing these two factors, we can make necessary adjustments.

The fear of others not liking or recognizing us is often a result of not liking or recognizing ourselves enough. When something is missing inside us, we tend to seek it outside. If we place a high value on others' approval and recognition, it may indicate a lack of self-approval internally.

It is therefore important to engage in regular self-acceptance exercises and to learn to accept and care for ourselves. As we become more accepting of ourselves and our worth, we will find that we are less concerned with the opinions of others and that we gain a sense of inner freedom.

In addition, it is important to identify ways to enhance our inner strength. In addition to the self-recognition, self-acceptance, and self-care exercises mentioned above, it is also essential to gain a sense of achievement and self-acceptance through practice. One effective approach is to set small, achievable goals for yourself on a daily basis. These goals should be tasks that you can accomplish through your own efforts. By consistently breaking through and growing yourself through your own efforts on a daily basis, your inner strength will gradually improve, leading to increased confidence and self-assurance.

3. In the event of a future conflict, it is advisable to express your feelings and needs. If the matter has already been resolved, you may also wish to consider ways of relieving your anger.

In the future, if you find yourself in a similar situation, there is no need to engage in a heated debate with the other party. Instead, it is sufficient to express your feelings and needs at the time. This kind of expression will not lead to conflict but will help the other person understand you better. Furthermore, expressing yourself will help you feel more relaxed. For instance, you could say to the waiter, "You told me to look at it myself, which made me feel very uncomfortable, aggrieved, and a little angry. I hope you can respect me and understand how I feel. Could you speak to me more gently?"

As an alternative, you can also express your feelings and needs to your boss. It is often the case that the purpose of communication and expression is not to argue about right and wrong, but simply to express our emotions and feelings. This can help to relieve stress.

If you were unable to express yourself at the time, as you are now, there are still ways to release this anger. For example, you can use writing therapy to write down your emotions and feelings. When writing, you don't need to care about the neatness of your handwriting or the logic of the content; you can express yourself as much as you like. You can also use the empty chair technique to express yourself: in a safe space, choose a quiet time, set an empty chair, and pretend that the waiter is sitting in the chair. You can say anything you want to her, including anger, abuse, grievances, etc.

This process will facilitate the flow, relief, and release of your emotions.

Please refer to the above for your information. Best regards,

Hello, question asker!

From your description, I can tell you're feeling a bit aggrieved, confused, helpless, and a little angry. Is that right?

At the same time, you are able to perceive this uncomfortable feeling in yourself, and it is great that you are likely to face it and actively seek a solution to the problem. You are already on the path to change!

You're always willing to help others and considerate of others at work, which is great! However, when others hurt you in an invisible way, you feel uncomfortable and want to argue back. You know it's not right, but you can't break free from this kind of bondage, which makes you feel confused. Is that right?

In fact, your feelings are shared by most people, and I also have similar experiences and feelings. The reason why we are like this may have something to do with our family, education, and environment, which makes us always empathetic and helpful to others. To put it bluntly, it is actually sometimes an invisible kind of flattery, hoping that others like us. But the truth is always the opposite of what we want, which makes us feel very confused.

I totally get it! When someone else makes a mistake, there's nothing we can do but accept it. We've all been wronged at one point or another. It's only natural to feel a little dissatisfied with ourselves afterwards.

Just imagine for a moment that a miracle happened and this uncomfortable feeling of yours disappeared. What would your life situation be like? What have you done to make the miracle happen?

Just imagine how your life will be after the miracle! Who will notice your change?

Based on your description, I'm excited to share some small advice that I hope will help you gain a relaxed and carefree life!

The first thing you need to do is learn to love yourself!

In fact, from your description, whether it is helpful or considerate, you will let yourself be wronged to benefit others. Even so, we have not gained a corresponding emotional experience. Since you are aware of this and want to change, you just have to learn to love yourself. In a word, if we don't respect and care for ourselves, how can we expect others to love us? So please keep being aware, keep trying, and find ways to love yourself. This is different for everyone. You can first allow and accept these feelings in yourself, adjust your mindset, and start

And then, get ready to learn how to establish a sense of boundaries!

There's a certain distance between people, and this sense of distance is also our sense of boundaries, which is a net of self-protection. It's a great idea to use it to your advantage! For example, in the face of the waiter you described, in the face of a bad attitude and poor service, you can directly retort to him, "I can see that, but I just want to ask you..." Even if we don't agree with what they say, we still have to retort these kinds of things back, otherwise we will form a self-attack.

As for the minor problems in your work and life, you just need to learn to say no and establish a sense of boundaries, so that others know what your bottom line is. Once your bottom line is touched, say no! Leave no room for them to argue back. In this way, you'll find that others will not hurt you, but instead will respect you more and more and follow your principles.

Second, you should definitely keep on improving yourself!

From your description, I can tell you sometimes neglect yourself and blame yourself, but I know you're better than that! These are all unfounded reasons. At this time, I suggest you start doing the things you like. Immerse yourself in them and persevere to gain a sense of accomplishment, which will help us boost our self-confidence and motivation. When we have self-confidence, we will not care about what others think, we will respect our own feelings, and we will slowly learn to love ourselves, and life will slowly become easier.

And then, you can learn to release those negative emotions!

I know you have suffered a lot, and I know you have a lot of emotions and no way to get rid of them. But don't worry! Prolonged accumulation will cause harm to our body. What you need to do now is learn to release negative emotions, empty yourself, and let go. And you know what? Once you do that, you'll be ready to start again and make up your mind to do what you want to do!

There are so many ways to get rid of uncomfortable emotions! You can go on a trip, talk to someone, keep a diary, or exercise.

And finally, seek help from a counselor!

I know you have worked hard, you have become aware, you have expectations and desires, but there is a big gap between knowing and doing. The good news is that there are ways to bridge that gap! One way is to seek help from a counselor. Counselors use their techniques to dig deep into the root of our subconscious, creating a safe and inclusive environment where we can adjust our perceptions and grow stronger.

In the end, I want to tell you something really important: we need to calm down and pay more attention to our roots, and then constantly clarify what we are.

Absolutely! If you have the time and are interested, you should definitely join the study of psychology. It's a great way to learn while growing and healing yourself. I had a similar experience to yours, and it's been an amazing journey. I've been immersed in psychology for seven years, and while my life hasn't changed dramatically, it's getting easier and easier. I've gone from complete self-doubt to being willing to believe that I can do it. This kind of change is intangible, but it's so worth it. Please believe me, and firmly believe that you can have a saying called "if you think about it, it will come back to you."

I'd like to recommend a few psychology books to you that I think you'll really enjoy! They're all great reads and I hope you'll find them helpful: Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychologist, The Courage to Be Disliked, The Story Box of a Psychiatrist, and The Brain Code for Happiness.

Hello! I am an old skinny donkey, and I'm ready to learn and grow!

From the questioner's words, I can feel the deep confusion in the questioner. I have a friend who was also very insecure in intimate relationships. If her boyfriend didn't reply for a while, she would wonder if he didn't want her anymore, if he liked someone else. But she was also very open to new possibilities!

Security actually comes from a lack of love in childhood. But don't fret! You can overcome this challenge and become more secure. Children who are unloved from an early age will be more insecure and find it difficult to trust others when they grow up. But you can change this! Try to understand the cause of your lack of security, talk to your inner self, and embrace and soothe your emotions, which will slowly calm you down.

The questioner said that it is easy to like different people, which is great! You can try asking yourself if you can extract the commonalities you like and dislike from these different people. This will help you to understand which qualities of the other person make you like them and which make you stay away. The essence of staying away may be that the other person has not been able to give you the courage to invest all your emotions, which has aroused your inner insecurity. But don't worry, this is something you can work on!

We highly recommend that the questioner try to understand:

1) Meditation: Allow yourself to feel all your emotions in a meditative state.

2) Ask yourself what your insecurities stem from and what consequences they may trigger. The good news is that, generally speaking, preparing for the worst will make you feel less psychological pressure.

3) What are the common qualities that attract you to different people? Is it because you want to rely on and like someone, or because you really love them? An emotional connection that is not invested with heart cannot last. But when it's right, it's the most incredible feeling in the world!

Refining the essence is a great way to help you see yourself clearly and make the right choice in love! We also highly recommend reading "Embracing the Inner Child" and "How to Embrace a Hedgehog" to understand your inner self and your self in love.

Wishing you the very best!

Hello, I'm Mo Mo, a psychological counselor, and I'm so happy to answer your question!

I can only imagine how you must have felt when you wrote about this problem. I'm sure you had a lot of complex emotions, such as resentment, anger, humiliation, unwillingness, and regret. It's so brave of you to have broken through the heavy emotional baggage, picked up a pen, and presented your vulnerability to the public. You're an inspiration!

It's totally normal to be afraid to face conflict, unable to express your true emotions, unable to say no to unreasonable demands, and always sacrificing yourself to benefit others. These are all typical manifestations of a pleasing personality.

It's so important to remember that our personalities can be formed in different ways. Sometimes, we might feel like we've developed a pleasing personality because we were neglected during our growth period. Or, we might feel like we've developed a pleasing personality because we were abused and suppressed. It's so common for people to feel like they've learned to express their own needs and defend their own rights is punished. And, it's so easy to feel like we have to humiliate ourselves to satisfy others. But, when we do this, we might win appreciation or rewards. But, over time, these habits can become so ingrained in us.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with this! At the time, you were just a youngster, and you had no choice. This was your way of surviving.

But now you're grown up, you have the strength, and you can realize that this survival strategy no longer suits the current situation. You've come so far!

But, as I'm sure you'll agree, habits are hard to change. And, while it's important to be aware of them, it's not enough on its own. What's really important is to make a substantial change to the situation at hand.

I'd love to offer some advice on this!

First, let's remind ourselves that this isn't because we're weak. It's how we protected ourselves in the past. But now we've grown up, it doesn't apply anymore, and we can choose a better way to protect ourselves.

Second, jot down your thoughts. Writing and just thinking about it use different parts of the brain, so it's a great way to get those creative juices flowing!

Third, start with the people closest to you. They'll be happy to hear you say "no" to things that don't really matter. It's not about saying no blindly, but following your heart and only saying no when you really want to.

Of course, you don't only practice when you're being rejected. For example, when a friend invites you out for dinner and asks what you want to eat, you don't say, "Whatever."

Instead, just say what you want to say: I want to eat spicy hot pot! Even if you end up eating something else, you'll feel better knowing you said what you needed to say.

Fourth, it's really helpful to experience how you feel after expressing yourself truthfully, and how it differs from feeling aggrieved. If you can, record it and review it from time to time.

Fifth, it's a great idea to learn some tactful ways to express yourself truthfully. That is, to express your unhappiness without excessively harming the relationship, and not in a blunt way. Practice more, you can practice against a wall or with someone close to you.

Sixth, don't be afraid of being hurt in a relationship. It's totally normal to feel this way! Just prepare for the worst, but still face it with goodwill. Remember, people who love you will stick by you no matter what, and people who don't like you won't change their minds just because you compromise.

I know these methods aren't easy to implement, but if you persevere, I truly believe they'll help you.

I wish you all the best in becoming the best, happiest, bravest version of yourself!

Good day, host. I am July.

From your description, it appears that you possess a personality type that is inclined to please others. This may explain your tendency to be more tolerant of others and to avoid conflict. Consequently, you may be motivated to consistently seek to please others, even when it involves personal sacrifice. This approach may facilitate more effective interpersonal relationships.

Furthermore, I extend a gesture of warm embrace.

Indeed, numerous individuals exhibit similar characteristics, albeit to varying degrees. To illustrate, I previously exhibited similar traits but subsequently recognized the necessity for change and implemented modifications. For individuals who have not yet identified the need for transformation, you have already recognized it and are striving to implement changes. Therefore, in a relative sense, you are already commendable, though it will require time and effort.

It is evident that the issue pertains to the narrative presented in the description, rather than the description itself. The problematic behavior exhibited by the waitress was a significant source of distress, as her actions and words conveyed a sense of aggression and offense. The assertion made by the boss that such a statement was unacceptable only served to exacerbate the situation, leading to a further intensification of negative emotions.

The more one reflects on the description of anger, the more it becomes evident that the anger in question is being gradually expressed rather than suppressed. Consequently, by inquiring with service personnel about the matter while shopping, the individual in question has become acutely aware of the issues that they are currently facing.

In this regard, I have also provided a summary of methods that may assist in alleviating the current situation, which I hope will prove beneficial to some extent.

(1) One should not be afraid of being disliked by others. That is, one should not care too much about what others think of one's self. Instead, one should break free from the constraints imposed by others and be brave enough to be oneself.

(2) It is recommended that individuals attempt to express their most genuine thoughts and feelings with greater frequency, while simultaneously avoiding excessive repression. It is also advised that individuals do not prioritize the thoughts and feelings of others to the exclusion of their own. Instead, individuals should recognize their own importance and the primacy of their thoughts and feelings.

(3) It is imperative to be courageous and decline to engage in activities that are not aligned with one's personal values and preferences. It is crucial to understand that these matters are not one's concern, as they are not within one's purview.

(4) When one is experiencing a decline in one's emotional state, it is possible to release these emotions through various means, including conversation, exercise, music, and the keeping of a diary.

(5) It is challenging to muster the courage to face the possibility of being hated. Therefore, it is important to allow oneself the time to process this difficult emotion. Given the difficulty of implementing significant changes in a short period of time, it is advisable to begin with small steps, such as expressing one's discontent and managing one's intense emotions in a constructive manner.

The world and I extend our love to you.

Sincerely,

Hello, question asker.

From reading your long text, I can see that you feel powerless and that you want someone to understand you.

You said at the start of the text that "the cause of the matter is a very ordinary thing." I actually think that even the most ordinary things are worth spending time and energy on. No matter how big or small the matter is, if it is causing you confusion, it is worth taking seriously. I can also see that you value yourself, and I think telling this story is the first step towards change.

I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you for reference:

***I notice a pattern in your writing:

Withdrawing in the face of conflict – not daring to assert your legitimate rights – being bullied and taking the blame – getting angry, regretting and blaming yourself (why didn't you do something for yourself at the time?) – the cycle repeats itself next time.

If you don't break this pattern, it'll keep hurting you. You've realized it, but you still lack the strength to change. I'm happy for you. Of course, to really change, you still have a long way to go. You have to feel the strength and courage within yourself before your behavior will change.

If you'd like, I'd be happy to walk through this process with you, to hold your hand and be there for you.

***When faced with conflict, you don't really want to do anything. It seems like you want to do something for yourself, but you seem trapped and unable to do anything. I feel like you have a conflict within you, with two forces struggling. One force is defending your rights, while the other is afraid that you really will do it.

I think that when you feel overwhelmed, confused, and powerless, this may be a distorted emotion rather than a real one. (Distorted emotions and real emotions are very important concepts in the transactional analysis (TA) that I have learned.) Are you also worrying and feeling afraid on the inside?

What are you concerned about?

Maybe you don't feel fear, or maybe it's just suppressed. From what you've said, it seems like you quickly switch to anger at yourself. And that real emotion slips away before you can experience it.

But this part is really valuable to you. You can allow yourself to experience it more carefully to catch this real emotion, so that you can make a breakthrough.

If you've done the above and found your true emotions, I think it's also important to release and express them.

Finally, I'd like to mention that there are many factors that influence how we act, from our emotions to our willpower and behavior training. This can be a slow process.

At the end of the article, you say that "at the very least, the next time something like this happens, I won't just accept it passively." I think it's important to stop accepting things passively. So, the next time you're in a conflict, if you think you still can't take protective action for yourself, there's one thing you can do: get out of the situation first and stop letting yourself be hurt by those people. (This is the technique of "giving permission" in my school of thought.)

It's not about running away, it's just about protecting yourself. Of course, there's still a lot of work to do afterwards, otherwise it could easily turn into avoidance.

I'm not sure if what I shared is helpful, but I'm happy to have a more in-depth conversation with you if you'd like. I'm Wang Xuejing, a psychological counselor. Best of luck to you.

In the event of a conflict, I endeavor to maintain composure and refrain from expressing my emotions. I would be grateful for any suggestions on how to proceed.

This query was posted ten hours ago and has already received 83 views.

The incident was caused by a relatively mundane occurrence.

The service staff informed me that I could have simply read the item myself. The manager then intervened and stated that I could not be expected to read everything. However, the situation continued to escalate.

She then proceeded to adopt an increasingly disagreeable tone.

Following the incident, I found myself becoming increasingly angry as I reflected on the situation.

I remained silent throughout the entire ordeal.

It is not that I am unwilling to communicate; it is simply that I am unsure of the appropriate course of action.

Good morning, I am writing in response to your query. Kind regards,

I empathize with the questioner's sentiments. When I first started at this company, I was frequently reprimanded and emotionally distressed. I lacked the assertiveness and quick thinking to respond effectively, and my personality was also very mild-mannered. Colleagues often held me responsible for mistakes, but as I gained experience, this issue became less prevalent.

What factors have influenced our character development? One potential answer is:

1. I was raised in an environment that was relatively harmonious, so I have limited experience with conflict resolution.

2. During my formative years, I consistently found myself on the losing end of disputes and consequently developed a tendency to avoid such situations.

3. Family education has instilled in us a tendency to avoid conflict, which has become a natural reflex.

4. During my formative years, I was consistently reprimanded for engaging in conflict and gradually developed a tolerance for it.

What steps can we take to enhance our performance?

1. It is advisable to disregard emotions and focus on the facts, which will enhance objectivity.

2. One may engage in practice sessions to develop argumentative skills by participating in debates or simulating conflict scenarios with colleagues.

3. Enact potential conflict scenarios and consider response alternatives. You may wish to practise further in private to overcome any reticence to speak up.

4. Practice articulating your needs and providing rationale for your decisions. Initiating a refusal can enhance your ability to engage in constructive debate.

Consider the potential outcomes of your presentation and evaluate whether they align with your objectives. Once you have established your core position, you will be better equipped to navigate challenging situations.

The questioner may also find inspiration in the book "Nonviolent Communication."

Best regards,

First, I will offer you a gesture of comfort, and then I will proceed to share my thoughts.

1. Identify the underlying cause. When faced with conflict, individuals often feel constrained by an invisible rope, leading them to retreat in fear.

This is a phenomenon that requires an understanding of the underlying reasons for your tendency to avoid conflict. These reasons may be related to your family of origin or your living environment, which may have instilled a sense of unmet needs for love, self-confidence, or persistence in your views. When facing conflict, your initial response is often to avoid or withdraw.

2. Identify specific methods for implementing changes. The fact that you are frustrated with yourself for not taking action and consistently falling short of expectations demonstrates a clear desire for improvement.

If you lack the knowledge to implement changes, you can seek assistance from trusted individuals who can address your queries and provide guidance. Additionally, you can initiate changes in small, manageable steps, starting with simple tasks such as making your own decisions, asserting your opinions, and expressing your thoughts courageously. Gradually, you can build confidence and make meaningful changes.

3. Be mindful of your actions. If you are helpful at work but others take you for granted, it may indicate that you are overly kind. Your kindness may make it challenging for you to assert boundaries, which may be due to your personality. However, if you don't know how to navigate kindness in a professional setting, you may find it difficult to advance in your career, and others may take advantage of you. It is human nature to exploit those who are less assertive and to avoid those who are more confident. In nature, it is always the law of the jungle: the fittest survives!

Hug for the questioner! I've been there. I know how frustrating it is when you want to argue, confront, or express yourself clearly but can't. I know how it feels to sulk in anger and not know how to vent. I know how it feels to want to change but feel powerless. I've been through all of these things, so I want to share my experiences with you.

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Why are we afraid to confront others when they make unreasonable demands or adopt unreasonable attitudes? We either hold back or speak up, but we stutter, our breathing is rapid, our tone is unstable, our volume fluctuates, and our logic is confused. This gives others more opportunities to attack us.

Dear, not everyone is good at expressing themselves. Some people are born eloquent, while others are slow of speech. There is no difference between the two in terms of social status. The former's advantages need not be mentioned, and such people are not easily disadvantaged. The latter, although disadvantaged, will be seen as right by discerning eyes.

For example, after interdepartmental cooperation, there was obvious unfairness in the distribution of rewards. The leader of the other department decided this matter. Even if he used logic to convince me of his reward distribution, I knew he would refute my thoughts. But I was not discouraged. Why?

I don't recognize what he says. No matter how well you speak, if you don't improve your department, I don't recognize what you say. He's just above me in position, but in terms of character, he's no better than an ordinary person. You don't need to take such a person's words to heart.

I value myself more, and I hope the original poster can remember that your value in the company is not judged by anyone else. If you think you are valuable, you will remain confident. Even if we say we are better than others, value is value. It will not disappear. Unless, you yourself are also clear that what you do does not have much value. Not only will it not improve your abilities, but if others do not appreciate you, you will feel even more lost.

Right now, you should focus on improving your internal skills, not your verbal skills.

Many leaders and colleagues are not good at talking but do a good job and gain respect. It is more important to do a good job than to be a good speaker.

The leader of our department is not good at speaking but is very capable. The leader of the other department I just complained about is mediocre at work but is good at talking. The company's leaders can see that the leader of our department has won widespread respect and praise, while the other person only gives the impression of being sneaky. The company's leaders know that the leader of our department has a lot of room for advancement in the future, while the leader of the other department has muddled along for so many years.

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Why do we have to be nice to people even if we don't want to?

We need to support each other. Maybe we need the love and recognition of others too much. We will help each other even if it is not our job, even if it makes us exhausted, and even if we are not respected.

Let's learn to please ourselves, be kinder to ourselves, and be more accepting of ourselves. Our mouths aren't very clever, and our brains can't keep up with rapid-fire speech. Everyone has the right to silence.

Everyone has the right to speak less and to cooperate non-violently.

Everyone is unique, and there are no universal standards for excellence or success. We all have our own standards. If we want to treat ourselves kindly, we must set our own standards. Without standards, we can only cater to others' opinions.

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What if someone criticizes us, makes unreasonable demands, or is unreasonable?

If you hear someone's unreasonable criticism, you can say, "I don't want it to happen again." Walk up to them, look at them for a few seconds, and walk away. This action may seem strange, but it's enough to make them stop. It also shows others that you're not to be messed with.

If someone makes an unreasonable request, you can try to accept it conditionally. First, reject it all. Then, say that you will try your best to help. This way, you can avoid taking on too much and win goodwill from others.

If you agree to help, you should get some support from the other person.

If someone treats you badly, ignore them. But tell their boss what you want. Being rude to the boss is the best way to get what you want.

I've shared a few tips with you. You don't need to say much to get things done. It's more important to cultivate your inner strength than to hone your verbal skills. Recognize your own value, respect and acknowledge your own value, and ignore what other people say. You'll still have a powerful aura because you have confidence in yourself.

Good luck!

Dear questioner,

Show them you understand how you feel and give them a hug. We gentle people have experienced this before: the good guys always get bullied.

I have felt exactly the same way. When I encounter people who are being unreasonable and attack me, I feel at a loss for words and don't know how to respond. Afterwards, I react, but I'm angry with myself for being so "submissive" at the time. I have lost my sense of boundaries because I always help others and don't know how to say no. This has allowed some "villains" to take advantage.

Personality is the result of the combined influence of many factors, including the family of origin, genetics, social environment, close friends, and many other factors. Given the limited information you have provided, it is not scientific to make a direct conclusion.

If you want to make a fundamental change, you need to find a good counselor, communicate more, and find a treatment method that suits you based on your specific situation.

I'm going to share my own experience of "de-sensitizing the nice guy" because I think it will be helpful to you.

Play the victim. You don't need to be perfect.

If you encounter this kind of waitress, you can and should reply to her with this formula: "What you just said was inappropriate and offended me, so I expect you to apologize." You can say this to anyone who offends you with their words.

This will make you feel better and avoid an argument. And it will work.

Say no. Say it firmly and kindly to anything you don't want to do. Don't be afraid of making someone angry. They'll only be angry for a little while, and it won't be a big deal. You can still do it another way.

If you always play the nice guy and accept what you are wronged about, wait until the accumulation reaches a limit, and then lash back angrily, you will offend the other person and it will be difficult to maintain the relationship.

I am confident this will be helpful.

Hello, question asker. I can see that you're facing some confusion right now, and I'm here to support you.

I can see that you are experiencing some emotional difficulties. Please accept my sincere offer of a warm hug.

It may be the case that you are sometimes afraid to express your emotions when faced with conflict, which could be related to your own upbringing.

It might be the case that when you were growing up, you wanted to express your conflicts, but your family stopped you.

It might be helpful to think of your inner child as being stuck in your childhood.

It may be helpful to remember that we all have an inner child, who is between the ages of 0 and 7.

The next time that little inner child comes out, you might consider telling it, "When I was young, I was not as strong as I would have liked to have been, so I had to put up with others bullying me and I was not always able to fight back when I was in conflict."

Then, you might consider telling your current inner child, "But you are now an adult; you have enough strength to protect yourself, so you can fully express your emotions when faced with conflict."

If you're unsure about how to work with your inner child in the way I've described, it might be helpful to speak to a professional counselor.

If it is helpful, you can use two cushions when doing this exercise.

One cushion represents the child in you, and the other represents the adult you have become.

If it would be helpful, I encourage you to read books (embrace your inner child).

You might also consider taking one of Mr. Shi Qijia's courses (embracing your inner child).

I am pleased to see that you are considering making a change.

I truly hope that the issue you're facing can be resolved as soon as possible.

I hope these suggestions are helpful and inspiring to you. I am the answer, and I study hard every day. Please know that I am thinking of you and wishing you well. I will keep thinking about this and will send more suggestions as soon as I can.

I hope my above answer is helpful and inspiring to you. I am here to serve as a resource and I study hard every day.

At Yixinli, we extend our love and best wishes to you and the world.

Hello, my name is Jialan.

After reading your account, I would like to share my views and suggestions, which I hope will be helpful to you.

First, it would be helpful to understand why we have developed such a pattern. This is because our interpretation of the outside world during our growth process has led us to develop an inherent pattern of behavior. We have become either avoidant or compliant, and in order to avoid conflict, we mostly endure and give in.

Secondly, when you mentioned "When faced with conflict, I always give in and can't express my emotions. What advice do you have?," it seems you've already taken the first step towards change. By recognizing your patterns and understanding yourself better, you've laid the foundation for positive growth.

Your awareness has led you to experience a different kind of distress, namely self-blame. In order to move forward, it is essential to accept yourself and gradually adjust your long-standing patterns.

It would be beneficial for us to consider giving feedback as soon as someone steps on our boundaries. This could be done in a calm manner, where we explain to the other person how their words or actions make us feel, and kindly request that they refrain from doing so in the future. It is also important to reinforce our behaviour patterns through positive feedback and the strength gained from repeated experimentation. We can start by practising on an empty chair by ourselves, or we can find family and friends to join us, so that when we encounter sudden "bullying" from strangers, we can respond by protecting our boundaries.

I believe in you. You can do this.

I would like to take this opportunity to wish you a happy new year and good health!

Hello questioner, I understand.

The words describe the problem very well and help solve it.

The questioner seems to be an office worker who has also faced unfair situations at work.

The questioner's worries are not unusual. Many newcomers and veterans in the workplace have similar concerns.

New graduates are more cautious and "compliant" to get approval or get along with others. They worry about conflicts with others, which affects their relationships and causes different outcomes. The more they worry, the more conflicts arise, which is unavoidable. They become tired and overwhelmed with work as a result.

The current situation is:

What kind of personality do you have?

The questioner's description is biased towards the "pleasing type." They are kind, not eloquent, weak, strong in endurance, and not striving for anything.

2) The "pleasing type" personality and thinking framework:

A personality that seeks to please others at the expense of one's own feelings is unhealthy.

"Appeasing" thinking framework: You care a lot about other people's feelings. You elevate others and belittle yourself. You have no independent opinions. You base your own actions on other people's evaluations. You are afraid of being disliked. You lower your self-esteem in exchange for inner security.

They are afraid to express their true inner needs. They are worried or afraid of being rejected. They are even more afraid of causing trouble for others. They are worried that they will become a burden on others. They lack recognition of the principles of the "relationship" model. They have a sense of security and relationship boundaries. They please others as the core and starting point. They are unable to maintain boundaries. They allow others to dictate. They break through the boundaries of the "relationship" in exchange for establishing intimacy. They often cannot satisfy others' expectations. They are hurt or unable to extricate themselves from self-blame.

3) There are many other special circumstances related to other people. If you cannot establish a good relationship with others, this is also beyond your control. Here, I will only explain the part that you can control yourself, in terms of things related to yourself.

How? What?

What should I do?

(1) Accept and express emotions in relationships. Don't "vent" them.

Venting anger long-term makes you angrier and can lead to a heart attack. Suppressing anger causes internal injuries.

When you feel angry or irritated, take a deep breath to calm down. If you want to speak, count to 3-5 seconds.

Ask yourself, "What makes me angry?" Use self-talk to calm down.

2) Stay positive and see conflicts as they are.

It's normal for relationships to have differences and similarities. Conflict is not bad.

Look at the conflict in a new way. Can you understand it and fix it?

If you can see the crux of the matter, conflict can be positive.

Conflict can make us change our minds and think about things differently. It can also show us problems in our relationships. We can then work together to solve them. Remember, there are always solutions, and attitude affects success.

If it is "no," understand and seek advice, or put forward different views and explore solutions together. Strive to find common ground and accept each other's differences.

3) Learn to handle the difference between important and unimportant events.

Aggressive language makes it hard to control our emotions. This can lead to arguments.

Don't argue. You might lose each other's trust and affection. It's important to regulate your emotions and think about each other's needs.

What is being said? Maybe we can understand it better if we filter out the offensive words.

(4) Be practical and neutral. Don't evaluate, criticize, or label. Seek harmony.

Avoid misunderstandings by communicating effectively. Seeking harmony in conflict doesn't mean causing trouble. It means reaching a consensus so you can work together.

If you work together, things will go well. This is the idea that if you're calm, you'll succeed. Do you agree? Is it similar to or different from thinking like a problem-solver? Then, you'll understand the similarities and differences.

Listen carefully and speak openly and honestly.

Speak sincerely and boldly, and explain your views and actions. Don't interrupt or offer suggestions while the other person is speaking or listening.

If someone is sharing their views, don't give advice. It can make them feel uncomfortable and stop communication. Wait until they're done sharing, then ask questions to discuss the issues.

Use more words beginning with "I" and fewer words beginning with "you." This makes the other person feel close, like-minded, and together.

6) "Pleasing types" avoid conflict.

Be confident, believe in yourself, and don't avoid conflict or give up on new opportunities. Conflict is just different opinions or approaches. It can lead to new discoveries and quick resolutions.

As long as you follow these four principles, I believe you can do it. Give it a try.

7) If you still have questions about the above methods and words, you can find a professional listener in the "Instant Talk" section of the Yixin platform. Talk about it together to benefit yourself and others.

I recommend the book Key Skills for Resolving Conflicts. It offers perspective and answers, and helps you grow.

I hope this helps.

I'm Peiwen, a listener on Yiyi Psychology. Love to the world!

Hello. I can see you're in a conflict and feel helpless. You want to change, but your fixed patterns make you feel powerless.

I'm a counselor, and I'd like to talk about my understanding from a psychological perspective.

You know your own character traits. When faced with attacks, you either don't respond or react in an evasive manner. You then blame yourself, thinking it's a sign of incompetence. This triggers feelings of resentment and powerlessness. How can you adjust?

Everyone's personality is linked to their upbringing and how they relate to their parents.

I'm guessing that your relationship with your parents when you were a child was negative. This is called an avoidant attachment pattern. This means that you avoid and tolerate external conflicts, but you can't express your grievances and anger.

This is something you learned as a child. When you feel threatened, you might attack to protect yourself. But as you grow up, this makes it hard for you to change and grow. It's time to start growing from within.

Second, accept your own patterns and start to adjust them. In the description, you respond to yourself with criticism, which makes you feel worthless and miserable.

Accept yourself, know your patterns, and face the waiter. You have never expressed it, but when her boss is teaching her, we will feel your upbringing, your tolerance, and acceptance.

If she isn't well-bred, someone will educate her on her words and deeds. If you were also very impulsive, blaming or attacking each other, you'd be two people with out-of-control emotions entangled with each other. Imagine how her boss would intervene.

You will suffer more. Know that when you step back from an attack, it's not a sign of incompetence. It's a sign of better emotional control. This is a high-level defense mechanism, not a low-level one.

Third, learn to express your feelings and emotions in words. Avoidance attachment is characterized by repression and an inability to express emotions in words. This requires strengthening and exercising. Expressing emotions in words can be angry, aggrieved, and helpless. For example, regarding the attitude of the waiter, you can calmly express your feelings.

You can leave a robot here. It doesn't need to talk or communicate. This is expressing your dissatisfaction without evaluation or verbal attacks.

I'm happy you asked for help to change your patterns. This is the first step to changing yourself. We can't control our patterns, but we can adjust them to suit our needs. Your sharing wasn't belittled. There will be more teachers to support you. The world and I love you. Learn to love yourself.

From your description, I can tell you're unhappy with yourself. I can also imagine how guilty you feel after something like this happens every time. You may even resent yourself for not reacting immediately. You also think about the whole situation a lot, imagining how you could have responded differently.

You want to change, right?

Let's look at what ties you down when the time comes.

You are kind and will treat others the same. You will never attack others for no reason. This is your attitude and the way you behave. You will look at others as kind and polite. You will feel surprised when you encounter an inexplicable verbal attack.

Secondly, you may find two voices inside you. One says "avoid conflict" and the other says "fight back." These two opinions are contradictory. One stops you when something happens, while the other blames you after the fact.

If you feel this way, you probably grew up in an environment that taught you to gain approval and avoid conflict. But you were also taught to blame yourself for bullying. You were never taught how to fight back or protect yourself in conflicts.

You want to change. You want to grow. You can come here for help. That's great!

Ask yourself some questions to explore and grow:

Where are my limits on helping and accepting help from others?

What if I say no to help? What does that mean to me?

What am I afraid of if I'm afraid?

How would I react to an attack from someone else? What would happen?

What am I afraid of if I'm afraid?

These questions can help you discover what's holding you back. It may be a key to your growth. Finding them may help you understand what's holding you back. If you need help, a counselor can support you.