When interacting with my child, I lose control of my emotions. Is this triggering an internal issue for me?

Hello, landlord! I really hope my answer can be helpful to you.

As a mother, I totally get where you're coming from. You're really perceptive and you know it might be related to your own childhood experiences or your own personal issues. There is definitely a connection there, but please don't worry. We can make some adjustments to change this pattern and bring you closer together and create more harmony in your relationship.

I really want to help you, so here's my advice:

It's so important to become aware of the reasons for your anger each time. Take a little time to look back on your own upbringing and see how you interacted with your mother as a child.

From the example you gave, we can see that when your daughter doesn't want you to blow-dry your hair, you start to get emotional. Is this a form of negation? It's totally normal to feel a little angry when your daughter expresses an opinion that is contrary to yours.

So, take a moment to think back to the way you got along with your mother when you were a child. How did your mother react to you? Especially when you rejected her or she rejected you?

I just want to check in with you and see if you're also going to be very angry.

We are influenced by the experiences we had as children, and we form limiting beliefs within ourselves. These thoughts and beliefs affect our patterns of behavior, and the reactions between them are very rapid, so we say that this is automatic. So, it's really important for us to see what kind of limiting beliefs lie behind our actions, and what kind of thoughts make us so angry about certain behaviors?

This is something you really need to explore for yourself.

Once you've identified these beliefs, you can start to adjust them. You can replace old beliefs with new ones, which will help you to respond in a more positive way.

2. Every child's behavior is a reflection of something going on inside them. When you disagree, you can adjust your expectations first. It's important to remember that your child's brain is still developing and not yet mature. They're also prone to emotional outbursts, which is totally normal! Once you've handled your child's emotions, you'll be better able to handle conflicts and other matters.

For example, regarding last night's bath, when she had finished washing her hair but not yet had a bath, you first dried her hair, and she didn't object. But then she suddenly had a tantrum and said she didn't want you to dry her hair, and since you had dried her hair for so long, you should also give her a bath. So, at this time, if we ourselves get angry, the problem cannot be solved, and then everything happens as you described, right?

At this time, you can go deeper and explore why she suddenly lost her temper. It's okay, we can figure this out together! Did she suddenly not want you to blow-dry her hair?

So, she's really just trying to get you to bathe her, right? And why does she want you to bathe her?

These are all things we can look into together. We can find the root cause of the child's emotions and work through it together.

So, when you have some conflicts and disagreements, remember that children are prone to emotional outbursts because their brains are still developing and the rational brain that controls emotions is not yet fully mature. It's important to remind yourself that she is just a child, adjust your expectations of her, and accept that she will have an emotional side. This way, you can empathize with your child and understand her emotions. For example, you can say to her, "Now, mommy is blow-drying your hair, but you suddenly don't want mommy to do it anymore, and this makes mommy feel a little uncomfortable."

When kids feel like you understand and accept them, they usually don't resort to tears to get their way.

3. When you feel your emotions rising, take a moment to calm yourself down before communicating with your child.

When you realize that you're about to lose your cool, just let your little one know, "My child, mommy is feeling a bit angry right now. Mommy needs to take a little break, and mommy needs to calm down." Then, we can all find a cozy spot to release our emotions.

In most cases, you can calm down by taking three deep breaths (you can also use the box breathing method). If you're still feeling stressed after that, it's probably best to leave the room and take a little time to calm down. Go to another room by yourself to let off some steam. You can pound on a pillow, or go to the bathroom and let some very loud water flow, then wash your face to calm yourself down a bit. When you're ready, you can come back.

It means finding different ways to let go of your emotions. Don't hold them in! Let them go. In other words, we must not let our emotions explode at this time, because this is really an irrational time and there is no way to express them rationally.

When you get back, you can say to your little one, "Mommy was really emotional just now, but I've calmed down now. I hope we can continue our conversation and talk about what happened just now."

You can use this as a way to calm and release yourself. This will help you change the way you get along with your children in this "emotional tug-of-war." And because you have positive communication, your relationship will become closer and more harmonious.

I hope this helps! Wishing you all the best!

Hello, question asker! I can see that you love your daughter very much, but sometimes you get a bit carried away and end up losing your temper with her. I can understand that this is wrong, and I know you feel conflicted.

First, let me know what you think.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you secretly hope that your daughter will beg you or cry until she stops, so that she realizes her mistake?

Or do you just hope she'll get over it and learn to curb her temper tantrums? You can think about it.

Sometimes, ignoring is a good way to teach kids. For example, if a child likes to bite, ignoring can help them focus on something else, which might help them stop biting.

So, what do you think?

Second, figure out what's driving the child's behavior.

Your daughter wants you to blow-dry her hair before you give her a bath, and she's found a way to get you to do it. You've said no because there's no such thing in your agreement with her. So, do you and your child have what it takes to stick to an agreement?

Or is there a precedent for bargaining between you? This child may not fully understand the concept of an agreement, so it might be a good idea to have a quick chat with her.

Also, can you tell me why she suddenly doesn't want to take a bath? Is she trying to make you feel bad by showing you the injury on her leg?

You can ask your child what she needs. When you're angry, you can ask her, "Why have you suddenly changed your mind?"

"You're doing this, and your mother is very angry. Do you want your mother to be angry with you?"

Third, your childhood experiences

Do you think your behavior is based on your childhood experiences, and that you act out the cold violence you experienced as a child subconsciously?

It's true that childhood experiences might make you feel similar, but the good news is that adult behavior is controllable. You don't have to be too stressed. You can perceive your true inner experience, so you can consciously control yourself in your behavior.

This is also good for your daughter.

I hope this message is helpful for you. Best regards,

My child, you're new to motherhood. I'm here for you. We've all been there. Now that our kids are older, I often regret how I treated them when they were young.

You remind me of me when I was young.

1. Accept your child. Kids have emotions too. If they're upset at school, they want their mom to notice and show them love. This makes them feel safe. Kids in kindergarten don't know how to hide their emotions, so they can seem willful and rebellious.

The most important thing with children is patience.

2. Don't let your emotions affect your child. I can see that you are impatient. I understand your feelings. Sometimes, you may not feel good, which affects your mood. You especially hope that your child will be well-behaved so that they won't cause you trouble.

Young children don't understand their mothers. They may understand, but they often put themselves first. When children are unreasonable, parents can't treat them rationally.

3. You said you ignore your child when she's angry or let her try to please you. You seem dominant and care about saving face.

Do you pay more attention to who bows their head? You're unconsciously bringing this out in your child.

In the long run, the child will start to take responsibility for everything. She will blame herself for any conflict. So your worries are justified. Although she will not become subservient, her lack of confidence will still affect her life.

Childhood issues can take a long time to heal.

4. You say you are cold-hearted and violent. Being strict is actually a form of violence and hurts children. Isn't it scary?

We think about our own mistakes and what we can do to change. We must make sure our children don't make the same mistakes we did. But we can't treat them the way our parents treated us unless we grew up in a good home.

5. I have some advice that might help.

(1) Accept yourself, be open-minded, and try to separate work and life. Don't take work home.

If there's a bad moment, try to separate it when you're with your child so they can feel your love. I know it's hard, but we can try.

(2) When your child is being willful, wait until she calms down. Talk to her and let her open up. Talk about what happened at kindergarten, how she feels, and even her opinions. Guide your child to calm down. Being a mother requires a strong heart.

3) Read to your children to help them develop good habits. The stories contain truths about getting along with children and family members. Speak to your children in the third person and without a lecturing tone. They will accept this well and be willing to learn from the stories.

Sometimes indirect education is more effective than direct punishment.

Love and patience are the most important things when raising children.

Dealing with your child's emotional problems can help you learn how to handle them better. Children can teach us a lot.

Their innocence may inspire you and open your mind.

Hello, I am Xin Tan, and I'm here to support you as Coach Fei Yun.

I admire your courage and insight. By examining your own experiences, you have taken a courageous step towards finding answers that resonate with you.

Perhaps the key is in your ability to recognize and understand your emotions and patterns. When we can identify these things, we can learn from them and use them as opportunities for personal growth.

With a mother like you, your baby will surely grow up healthy and strong. Let's share and explore together:

1. Consider embracing your inner child.

As you mentioned, it's easy to feel swept away by your emotions when it comes to your child. From a developmental standpoint, this can have a negative impact on your child's character and overall well-being. A mother's emotional stability is a crucial element in a child's growth and development.

As the child's primary caregiver, the mother plays an important role in providing the child with a greater sense of security. The way you interact with your child, the way you raise your child, and your own emotional nourishment and character development can all affect the child in various ways.

It is worth noting that a sense of security can have a significant impact on an individual's life, including their relationships with others, their spouse, and their children. In light of this, it could be said that a mother's peace of mind and calmness play an important role in providing their child with a sense of security.

If you look at the character "an," you might see a woman sitting quietly at home with her legs folded.

It may appear that a mother's fluctuating emotions have a negative impact on the child. However, if we examine the situation more closely, we can see that the parent-child interaction process can also serve as a beneficial self-healing mechanism for the mother, while simultaneously nurturing the child.

It might be helpful to remember that everyone has an inner child, and that emotions can sometimes be brought out when a situation reminds us of unmet needs from our parents.

And awareness gives us the opportunity to see things as they are, which in turn allows us the freedom to choose how we act and react in any given situation. We can either take out our unmet emotional needs on our children, or we can find alternative ways to meet our needs. We can also achieve healing through wisdom in the process of accompanying our children.

2. Consider ways to enhance your parent-child relationship.

It might be said that the process of raising children is also a way of nourishing the parents themselves.

Children may seem like little kids, but they often have a level of understanding and perception that is beyond that of adults. They can perceive themselves and others in ways that we may not fully comprehend. Take a moment to observe the children around you. They may appear to be fighting over a toy one moment, and the next, they are making up again. This is because they are truly "living in the moment."

Your concern that your child may become overly accommodating can be alleviated by you taking the initiative to change. It is important to remember that growth takes time. When you find yourself unable to control your emotions and lose your temper, you can calmly and bravely apologize to your child: "Sweetheart, I apologize for losing my temper just now. It was not your fault, and I will try to control my emotions better in the future."

You might also consider giving your child a heads-up in advance: high energy ahead. If you do that again, I'll be disappointed, but it's not because of what you did that I'm upset. It's because when you did that, it made me think of something that happened when I was a child.

It might be helpful to let your child have a "buffer zone" inside. When he knows that your emotions are not his fault, he may be able to feel more at ease. It's possible that there is only comfort, not guilt, and only care, not flattery.

You may also find it helpful to read "Awakened Mothers Have Power: Blossom Yourself and Nourish Your Children" and Lin Wencai's "Psychological Nutrition."

You might also consider role-playing the day's situation to strengthen your bond with your child while keeping a clear head. This could also help your child learn to manage their emotions and navigate conflicts and contradictions.

It is my sincere hope that the above will be helpful to you and to the world. I love you.

If you would like to continue the conversation, you are welcome to click on "Find a Heart Exploration Coach" in the lower right corner, which will allow you to chat together.