Why am I scolded by my mother as a strange person just because I didn't eat the sugarcane she peeled last night?

Hello, Qingxiang here. I'd like to talk to you about this.

You seem depressed. Even when you're with your mother, you have to be careful because the slightest thing can make her angry, which makes you feel bad. You also feel helpless in this relationship. You've made a lot of efforts and sacrifices.

You say you're prone to depression and inferiority. Conflicts like these happen and impact your emotions. You're always the one who has to appease him.

But this isn't the case for you. You're hurt and don't know how to get out of this situation.

From what you said, I can see how much your mother loves and depends on you.

1) From the sugar cane incident, I can see the sugar cane your mother prepared and her expectations. He hopes these good things can be given to you, so when you say you won't eat it, he'll be upset.

Maybe he thinks the food is only for you to enjoy. It would be a waste or a sin if your parents ate it. So he shows you to throw it in the trash.

2) He didn't want to talk to you because he loves you. He wanted to tell you what you did was wrong and that you should listen to your mother. You can't do that again.

Love is deep, but separation must be gradual.

I don't know why your mother expresses her love this way, but it puts a lot of pressure on you and affects your body and emotions.

It's important to accept your mother's love and think for yourself. This is good for you, her, and me. It will help you grow and become more independent.

It's also good to talk about specific things to do. Here's an example of what I think about the sugarcane incident.

If you don't want to eat it, say:

"This time, Mum left me lots of sugar canes. It seems that Mum and Dad love me the most, and I don't want to eat them alone. How about we all eat them together?"

State the facts, share your feelings, and understand your parents' intentions.

If Mom is really angry, try saying:

"Mom left me lots of sugar cane because she loves me. I'll save it for tomorrow..." Then you can leave and wait for your mom to call.

3) Your mother is responsible for her own emotions. If she's angry with you, it's her choice. You don't have to try to please her. Just ignore it and say something to cheer her up.

This is not easy. Start with small things and build up your strength.

Get help from a professional.

There are many professionals and ways to help on the Yi Xinli platform. You can choose the method that suits you. You can talk to a heart detective, a listening therapist, or a psychological counselor. You can also go into the counseling room and talk about your worries. Through these means, you can gain a better understanding of your emotions and help you get through this period of time.

I'm Qingxiang. I hope my suggestions help.

I love you, world.

Hello!

Your words made me want to give you a big hug! (

It's so important to learn to separate tasks and take responsibility for your own life.

Parents have expectations, and that's okay! They want to satisfy their own psychological needs by controlling you or asking you to do the things they like. That's their business.

It's so important to remember that since they've made the request, they have to accept that no one else can fulfill it for them. This is how they can really grow!

And you know what? You are free! You have the power of choice!

When others make unreasonable demands, we have the choice to either suppress our own thoughts and please them to satisfy them, or we can follow our own inner thoughts. If it's a win-win situation, it's important to be able to satisfy it, and if you don't want to refuse, that's okay!

This is the first step in separating issues and growing up (or the first step in learning to be happy). It's okay if it's a bit confusing at first! Distinguish between what you should do and what others want you to do that you don't want to do. Then take responsibility for yourself.

It's so important to establish an effective sense of boundaries.

Boundaries are like a fence that protects us from people who might want to hurt us or bother us. If someone tries to break through the fence, we can get away safely.

So, how can we create some healthy boundaries?

1. Treat yourself! Set aside some time just for you to do the things you really like. This will boost your sense of self-worth and satisfaction.

2. Read more and think independently about some issues. You can absolutely choose to find and create the answers you want!

But with so many electronic products and so much information out there, it can be tough to think independently. Reading can really help us understand.

3. It's so important to understand what you truly want to do or like from the bottom of your heart, and what others are imposing or demanding. Weigh up the pros and cons and make your choice!

? There are ways to learn and grow, to set boundaries, and to separate issues.

Read! Read!

I'd like to suggest a few classic books that I think you'll really enjoy: "The Courage to Be Disliked." We all know that there are always people in this world who don't like us, and their words can sometimes upset and unhappiness us, affecting our mood. So how can we reduce the impact of these people on ourselves? The answer is to have the courage to be disliked.

It's totally normal to feel unhappy and uncomfortable when we encounter rejection. We might even react violently, like your mom did, which is really uncomfortable, and we're still angry. But here's the thing: we can choose to have the courage to be rejected.

In the book The Courage to Be Rejected, there are lots of classic psychological case studies that look at the whole incident in a really helpful way and give us some great practical tips to help us grow.

At last, there's a book called "Self-Boundaries" about our sense of boundaries! What I find so inspiring about reading this book is that I now understand why so many misunderstandings and grievances occur between people. It's because they don't understand where the boundaries are. They also seriously think that they are right and the other party is sick...

At last, you can start learning and growing professionally! Why not consider the audio section of Yixinli for psychology knowledge and the selected learning content? There's lots to learn, including parent-child relationships, family relationships, the workplace, self-affirmation, and emotional recognition.

I really hope my answer is helpful to you! I love you all so much, and I hope you have a wonderful day!

Hello!

From what you said, I can see your upbringing.

Your mother has had a big impact on you as you grew up.

1. Mom is emotionally unstable. If this has been the case since childhood, it will make the child feel overwhelmed. Over time, it will lead to self-negation, a feeling of being bad, and emotional experiences of loneliness and helplessness. For a child, pleasing mom becomes a model for how to relate to others.

It's rare you can communicate with your mother without giving up.

2. Your mother calls you "weird" and "unlikable." This makes you feel angry.

3. If your mother won't talk to you, it will hurt you. If it goes on for a long time, you will have a lot of problems and negative feelings.

This is not to blame the mother or shift blame, but to find a solution.

Growing up in such an environment leads to a lack of a sense of existence, a sense of worth, and a sense of powerlessness. This makes you prone to depression and the urge to cry. However, every time there is a conflict, your mother's attitude and words will stimulate the most vulnerable place inside you.

Your mother is no exception to the rule that everyone's character is influenced by the environment. All experiences leave traces within, but it is precisely because of this that we can follow a trail, discover ourselves, take responsibility for ourselves, learn to love and treat ourselves well, and treat ourselves and each other according to the laws of life. We will definitely be healed and regain the vitality of life.

Hello!

First of all, what your mother is doing is not the right approach, but she may not be aware of her own issues. If you bring these topics up with her, it might make things worse.

The reason for so much confusion and conflict is that mothers play an important role in our lives, and we value family ties and the desire for a good family relationship.

It seems like the questioner is trying really hard to improve her current situation because the pain has become overwhelming.

Things like eating sugar cane are minor issues, but it's the details that make the difference in whether you succeed or fail. What gets people down is the process of doing these things over and over again.

Could you reshape your living environment into something healthier, maybe by sharing a house with a friend?

Then, in your new environment, find a book to read every week. Enjoy the different aspects of life that the book presents.

You're highly sensitive, and reading is thought to be quite helpful.

Respecting such a mother means not getting in the way of her way of life. This doesn't mean you can get your mother's respect back, but it's as far as you can go as her daughter.

From then on, you can live your life without feeling guilty or inferior.

Treat yourself with respect and don't take your mother's opinions as gospel. Even if she wants you to agree with her on everything, there's no need to be obedient. If you get provoked and respond, it'll only harm your emotions and give your mother the satisfaction of continuing to badmouth you.

It's understandable that hugging the host, meeting an emotionally unstable mother, and refusing to communicate can make someone feel very uncomfortable.

We can choose everything freely, but parents really can't, so what should we do?

First, try to get a sense of your mother's past and experiences.

I can accept my mother for who she is now only by understanding her past and developing empathy and compassion.

How can you find out? You can ask your mother's family and friends, and you can also find out about the major events in China when your mother was a child.

Major events and the original family can really affect a person's character.

If you don't understand how your character was formed, you're living a blind life.

That's probably how my mother felt, living in her own "fantasy" world.

"You're a strange person, especially unappealing."

What actually happened to make her think that? We probably won't find out from our mother.

You can ask your mother's family and your father to find out why this might be the case.

Then, put yourself in the mother's shoes and ask yourself, "If I were a mother, what would I do?"

Many psychologists in the East and West have done research in this area. I suggest reading

I'd also recommend reading Dr. Susan Forward's "Poisonous Parents."

Why Does Family Hurt? by Wu Zhihong

The main issue is that parents aren't perfect. But because of our culture and kids' reliance on their parents,

We tend to think that parents are perfect and that their love for their children is selfless.

Our culture has also been saying since ancient times that showing respect to your parents is the most important thing.

However, this isn't always the case. Not everyone is perfect once they become a parent.

Most people are reluctant to change themselves and instead give in to their emotions because their children are vulnerable and unable to resist.

Typically, emotionally stable parents should accept their children's emotions and guide them in a positive direction.

However, in many families, it's the child who has to deal with an emotionally unstable parent and process their emotions on their own.

When we're unsure of how to proceed, we may feel depressed, inferior, sad, and inclined to cry.

It's because we haven't released our emotions and we haven't received unconditional love from our parents.

Then, it's important to try to become aware of your emotions and accept them.

We can't change our parents, but we can change ourselves.

The host can use a diary to help him understand his emotions better. Here's how the recording method works:

The fact is, I didn't eat the cut-up sugarcane because I had gastroenteritis, and my mother said, "You're weird."

I didn't refuse to eat because I had a stomachache and felt uncomfortable.

Emotions: resentment, depression, anger, etc.

I hope my mother can understand my feelings. Either I don't want to eat or I have a stomachache. I hope my mother can trust me.

Next, I took the painkillers and calmly told my mother that I was really uncomfortable and that I would take them when I felt better.

Similarly, you can try keeping an emotional diary from your child's perspective.

Here's what happened. The child told me she wanted to eat the sugar cane. I cut it up for her, and she said she had gastroenteritis and wouldn't eat it.

It seems like the child is playing with me, saying it wants to eat at first and then not.

I was pretty angry.

I hope my child sees how concerned I am about her and that I want to be a better parent.

Next, go over and check on the child to see if she's truly not feeling well. You can save the sugar cane for later.

Obviously, the above two paragraphs are based on the original poster's description, and the real situation may only be clear to you through the records.

Put yourself in the mother's shoes. She really cares about you and wants what's best for you, but she doesn't know how to express it.

If you want to get their attention and show them you care, you have to do it through anger.

Keeping an emotional diary helps us to understand our emotions, thoughts and expectations better.

Negative emotions are often generalized and can easily spill over into other areas, leading to a tendency to catastrophize.

But when we write it down, it's easier to understand what we're thinking, which helps us improve our self-awareness.

At the end of the day, we both love my mother, even if we don't know how to show it.

I really do think you should love your mother too. I hope she'll become more emotionally stable.

It can be tough to change our parents, but we can influence them by being emotionally stable ourselves.

There's a vulnerable child behind every angry figure.

Mothers also use anger as a way of covering up their feelings of inferiority and vulnerability.

Once you've had a chance to calm down, you can write your mother a letter. In it, you can share your thoughts and needs.

Learn to forgive and understand your mother better, and let love flow between you.

Many of these issues will gradually resolve themselves over time.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that the more you understand yourself, the more you can help your mother work through her emotional issues.

I'd also like to suggest a few books that I think you'll find helpful:

I'd also suggest reading Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents."

I'd also recommend Wu Zhihong's "Why Does Family Hurt?"

It is evident that your mother is afflicted with emotional difficulties. She is markedly unstable and prone to sudden outbursts of anger for seemingly trivial reasons. Once she becomes enraged, she is reluctant to engage in communication.

Nevertheless, based on the aforementioned description of the problem, there is still a hope that the mother in question will be able to maintain a stable mood, demonstrate understanding, and express gentle and caring words.

This is the crux of the internal conflict.

You were aware that your mother was unable to demonstrate tender concern and that you, in turn, yearned for such a display from her.

It can be reasonably deduced that the subject has not yet fully accepted his mother's current situation.

It is possible that this unfulfilled wish has its roots in the fact that your mother has never shown you tender concern.

In such instances, the individual in question appears to regress to a state of childhood, wherein they anticipate a gentler approach from their mother.

At this juncture, you also became as sensitive as a child. Your mother's explicit angry statements, such as "deliberate," "weird," and "unlikable," were all internalized by you and directly targeted the most vulnerable aspect of your emotional being.

In the past, the pattern of your relationship with your mother was that she would become angry and you would attempt to satisfy her desires, but your efforts were unsuccessful.

The underlying premise of being kind is that one is to blame when one's mother becomes angry. Furthermore, one experiences a sense of abandonment when one's mother becomes angry.

It is important to note, however, that a mother's emotional outburst may not be directed at her child.

When a child rejects their mother's goodwill, this rejection may activate her old trauma and trigger her defense mechanism.

Such behavior may be a result of her deep-seated fear of being abandoned, which manifests as anger and control tactics aimed at eliciting guilt and preventing abandonment.

The optimal response to a mother's trauma is to accept it.

It is important to allow your mother to experience anger about this situation and to permit her to express her frustration for a limited period of time. However, it is essential to maintain clarity and to reiterate that this is a matter that is primarily her own.

Once she has regained her composure, it is advisable to initiate a dialogue concerning your emotional state. For instance, you might say, "Mum, you recently referred to me as 'weird,' which has caused me considerable distress. While I understand your anger, I would appreciate it if you could refrain from uttering hurtful remarks."

Her reluctance to engage in communication is indicative of her apprehension regarding emotional discourse.

A robust physique may be indicative of a vulnerable emotional state.

It is possible that your mother may be more emotionally vulnerable than you initially perceived. She may even be unable to directly engage with emotional communication, which could contribute to feelings of discomfort and distress.

The act of transferring some of the emotional burden associated with one's mother to one's own mother can facilitate emotional release and provide a sense of respite.

I wish you the utmost success in your endeavors.