Why do I dislike others learning about me through my family?

Hi there!

If you feel like you don't fit in, it's important to remember that everyone has their own feelings and choices.

1. [Don't give in just because you think it's loving and best for you.]

We know that there's a kind of emotional investment that goes something like, "Mom thinks you're cold," which often happens in emotional relationships. They're brave in expressing themselves, overly enthusiastic, and always understand life and treat their lovers in the way they think is right or how they feel. This leaves the other person unable to breathe, unable to establish effective communication. This is the "self-moving model" of love created in the name of "for your own good." To make the other person give up such behavior is a test of one's endurance and insight. What's more likely to suffer is the pain brought about by moral kidnapping. The other person will accuse, "Why can't you appreciate his good intentions?" when in fact he has never asked the other person what their real needs are.

2. Being able to love also means being able to perceive love.

If you pay close attention, you'll notice that people who always end up with bad partners are warm and friendly, willing to give their all for love, and eager for a faithful partner. But here's the strange part: they're always unable to identify truly outstanding individuals. Even when they're around, they're unable to recognize them and instead push them away. Why? Because they're unable to perceive the ability to love. They're able to give love, but when love comes, they're unable to perceive it. Instead, they experience the illusion of "love" in an emotional pattern that causes internal division.

So, if someone can't accept love, they might miss out on a great relationship.

The questioner needs to figure out where feelings in interactions come from on their own.

Wishing you the best of luck! ?

Hello, I can sense from your description that you are feeling a range of emotions, including frustration, anger, and concern.

When you were younger, you may have preferred that your friends not add your sister's WeChat ID, hoping to get to know you through her directly.

As you grow up, you may notice that the person you like or the person who likes you tends to get close to your family before the relationship is confirmed. This can sometimes lead to feelings of annoyance. Have you ever wondered why this is the case?

I can relate to your situation. It's understandable why you feel this way. It's not always easy to communicate directly with others, especially when we're trying to understand each other.

I can imagine it must feel rather uncomfortable for them to think that you are bad, that you have made mistakes, that you are hard to understand, and that you are not important at all.

I can understand why you feel this way. Your feelings are real, and there is nothing wrong with them.

It may be the case that you feel your family doesn't like you.

It's possible that your family once had the impression that you were an introvert, someone who doesn't enjoy talking and can be challenging to understand.

It would be wonderful if your parents and family could understand how you feel and what you have been through to become this way, rather than simply and rudely labeling you as such.

On the one hand, this assessment makes you feel that your family doesn't consider you a likeable person, and on the other hand, you are concerned that your family may share this opinion with their friends, which could potentially lead to your friends disliking you and choosing to distance themselves from you.

It is understandable that you feel aggrieved and angry.

You hope your friends can get to know the real you.

On the one hand, it can be challenging when friends choose to get to know you through your family, especially when it seems like they might have a different impression of you.

It can feel as though you are the one who makes your friends miserable and unhappy, and it's understandable if you don't want to be that kind of person.

On the other hand, the behavior of your friends may make you feel that you are not as important to them as family members are.

It would be really helpful for you if someone could see you, value you, and want to get to know the real you, and care about what's going on with you.

It would be helpful if you could try to understand and empathize with your situation, stand by your side, agree with you, and believe in you.

Perhaps they could be reassured that they are not like what they say, that they have their reasons, and that they are not wrong.

It would be helpful to trust your feelings and express your needs in a timely manner.

It might be helpful to start with the little things. When you have thoughts and needs, you can try to express them to your friends in a way that is respectful and does not upset them.

Even in the face of other challenges, those who truly care about you will choose to respect your feelings.

People who truly love you will likely choose to think and understand after a short period of unpleasantness, make adjustments and changes, and strive to understand each other better and become closer emotionally.

If you express yourself in a timely manner, those who love you will have a better understanding of who you really are, which can help to make your relationship more relaxed and comfortable.

I wish you the best.

Hello, questioner!

What I don't like:

"When I was young, something amazing happened! My classmate added me as a friend, and then my sister's friend added me as well."

"Now that I'm an adult, I still resist people I like or who like me getting to know my family well or trying to get close to them before our relationship is certain/stable."

So, why is this so?

Let's sort it out together!

This is a very common psychological phenomenon in interpersonal relationships, namely "jealousy," and it is also a natural expression of human nature.

This psychological phenomenon is all about exclusivity in interpersonal relationships (which is even more pronounced in close relationships). In our subconscious, we always think that we are attractive or different in the eyes of the other person, and that the other person pays attention to us and needs us.

And if the other person adds other friends, and this friend is someone I know well, because familiarity means there are some common points, this means that the point that attracts me to the other person is not unique, and I have no special status in the other person's mind. The heart of "jealousy" quietly and in ways that we are not easily aware of affects our emotions (no longer excited and agitated, becoming calm) or changing from calm to irritable.

Another thing is that in interpersonal interactions, we have the amazing opportunity to directly interact with the other person rather than indirectly through others. In our daily lives, we often hear people say, "If you have something to say, just come to me directly! Why go through someone else?"

And the other person's behavior is all about getting to know you better, catering to your preferences, and allowing the relationship to blossom. It's like they say, "Love me, love my friends." You love him, you love the people around him!

It's undeniable that some people are totally fine with this behavior! They'll think, "If he's so friendly to all of them, he must be a really nice person!"

Some people may find this objectionable, either because they are afraid of having to accept the person because they are nice to their loved ones, or because they are afraid of being bound by the affection of their loved ones. But don't worry! There are ways to overcome these objections.

I'm excited to share some strategies that I think you'll find really helpful!

(1) Embrace your feelings!

This feeling is totally normal! There's absolutely no need to dwell on the reasons or try to correct it.

(2) Express your needs!

You can explain to the other person that you want to communicate directly with him, rather than getting to know each other through family members. If you really can't get in touch, you can get to know each other through family members.

(3) It's great to let the other person have their own friends!

Although interpersonal relationships are somewhat exclusive, in real life everyone has multiple needs, so they make multiple friends to satisfy their various needs. This is a wonderful thing! However, we cannot control the needs and friendship-making methods of others. As long as the other person's actions do not harm us, there is really nothing we can do about their actions.

I'm so excited to share these suggestions with you! I really hope they help.

Warmest regards!

It's also worth noting that interpersonal distance can vary from person to person. Some individuals may be part of a close-knit inner circle, while others may be more distant. Some classmates may express interest in becoming friends, but they may also add your family members to get to know you better.

You may feel that this is a bit of an invasion of your privacy. Perhaps you're not quite ready to let your classmates get to know your family or get to know you through your family. It's understandable that you still have some concerns and boundaries. You feel that you are aloof and quiet, so other people worry about you.

It is understandable that you may not be comfortable with people getting to know you through your family.

It seems that this aversion has been present since childhood. It appears that your classmate has added you as a friend.

It would seem that your sister has been added as a friend, although it is not clear how well they know each other.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the role of family members in this situation.

It would be helpful to understand each other's perspectives.

It seems that they would like to get to know you through your family and find out about your news and your current situation. You feel that this is an invasion of your privacy and you are not yet ready to let your classmates get to know your family or get to know you through your family. You still have some concerns and boundaries. You feel that you are aloof and quiet, so other people worry about you. You don't like people getting to know you through your family.

It would be helpful to clarify the reasonable ways in which you would like the other person to get to know you.

Even if you feel offended, it would be helpful to explain the situation.

It would be beneficial for the other party to understand your clear boundaries as well.

You may also feel that your sister is not the right person to talk to about this, and that it is perhaps not the most helpful approach. It's also possible that you are still a little cautious about sharing your thoughts with your classmates and friends.

It's as if you're concerned that they may not fully comprehend your perspective, and that they might engage in actions or discussions that you're not aware of or aware of too late. This is something you might be feeling uncertain about.

As you have now become an adult, you may find yourself thinking more about interpersonal relationships. You may also come to realise what you can do to accept others and let some people you trust into your inner circle.

You may find it challenging to connect with individuals who are not fully formed. This could be perceived as a rejection and resistance by your heart. You may be concerned that you may be hurt by other people's unclear boundaries, so it's important to consider this carefully. It's not necessary to allow the other person to invade your boundaries from the beginning.

It seems that the other person may not have been aware of your current mood or the feelings of irritation you were experiencing. It might be helpful to consider expressing your emotions in a more proactive manner and working on refining the nuances of your emotions. This could potentially help you feel more at ease in interpersonal relationships, gain a deeper understanding of yourself and others, and facilitate more harmonious interactions. You might find it beneficial to speak with a psychological counselor about some of your recent thoughts. I hope that's okay.

Could I ask you a question, ZQ?