Why do I think my mother-in-law was wonderful before having a baby, but not want to live with her after giving birth?

Firstly, it is important to note that there is nothing inherently wrong with your feelings. It is not uncommon for individuals to experience a range of emotions and confusion when navigating family relationships, particularly during this sensitive period following childbirth. This does not indicate any underlying issues. In fact, it is a very normal reaction.

I recommend that you have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your feelings and concerns. It is important that you clearly communicate to him why you are unable to accept certain behaviors from your mother-in-law and how these behaviors may affect you and your child.

Furthermore, you can collaborate to identify an improved solution that addresses your childcare needs while maintaining family harmony and stability.

Furthermore, it may be beneficial to seek the guidance of a professional, such as a psychologist or family counselor. These professionals can assist in understanding and addressing each other's feelings and needs, and in developing a more balanced and effective approach to the issue at hand.

The necessity of maintaining a certain distance depends on the specific circumstances between you and your mother-in-law. In some cases, maintaining an appropriate distance can help alleviate conflicts.

It is not necessary to avoid contact with her completely. Instead, it would be preferable to find a more suitable and comfortable way of getting along with each other based on mutual respect.

Ultimately, the decision to have a second or subsequent child is a highly personal one. It is essential to make this decision based on your individual circumstances and feelings.

If the current family environment and situation are already causing you significant stress, it may be advisable to focus on addressing these issues before considering an expansion of the family.

Hello, question asker!

Your change in opinion of your mother-in-law before and after your child's birth may be down to two main reasons:

1. Having a child has brought up some old trauma from your childhood.

2. Different family upbringing and cultural backgrounds can lead to disagreements.

I'd say the first of these is probably the main reason.

Before you had kids, you saw your mother-in-law through your own eyes.

After having a child, you see your mother-in-law from the perspective of a child. In other words, you've regressed to the self you were as a child.

You think your mother-in-law is hardworking, kind, honest, and responsible, and that your child will learn to be good by following her example.

You also believe that your self-realization requires the unified collaboration of family, society, and the individual. This is the rational you in an adult state.

However, after giving birth, you're afraid that your mother-in-law will compete with you for your child. This may have brought back memories of being abandoned as a child, as well as fears of losing loved ones or yourself.

Think back to your own upbringing. Were you ever worried about losing something important to you, including your own sense of self?

If you decide to stay home with your kids, are you worried about losing your job?

Is it harder for you to accept losing a structured job than having your child taken away?

If the child has picked up the dialect from the grandmother, it could also mean that the child is closer to the grandmother, which is another way of losing the child.

As for the mother-in-law opening your parcels without asking, coming into your room without knocking, it's not just that she grew up in a different culture and has these habits. It's also a sign of a lack of boundary awareness, and you feel like your boundaries are being violated.

In your family of origin, were the lines of communication between family members clear or blurred?

Do you have your own space and human rights, or are you feeling controlled and like you're constantly losing out?

If you're dealing with any of these issues and they're not just isolated cases, it's possible that what you're going through now is a result of a past traumatic experience.

These experiences require professional psychological assistance to heal.

Once you've made a full recovery, your relationship with your mother-in-law will also be restored, and you may no longer have to worry about your children being taken away.

Just above.

I'm Yan Guilai, your psychological counselor. I'll be with you every step of the way as you embark on your journey of self-discovery and truth-seeking.

Good day. I am Gu Daoxi Fengshou Slender Donkey, the Heart Exploration coach.

It is evident that the advent of a child represents the initial challenge to the stability of familial relationships. The divergences in perspective between two generations are considerable, encompassing not only dissimilar experiences but also disparate conceptual frameworks. This is an indisputable reality.

Having observed the conflicts between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law in child-rearing, it took several years to discern a key factor: why do mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law have so many conflicts in child-rearing nowadays, but not in the past?

In the past, information was not as readily available, and the concept of scientific parenting had not yet gained widespread acceptance among novice parents. As a result, young people lacked the knowledge and guidance to effectively raise children. At that time, the elders often served as teachers, and their guidance was generally well-received.

Modern parents have significantly more access to information than our parents' generation. Firstly, they espouse the view that one child should be raised according to the book, advocating science. Secondly, the education level of young people is gradually improving, and they are willing to learn and adapt to the concept of learning to raise children. Thirdly, the mother-in-law, as an elder, may not be as educated and may have limited knowledge to accept. Secondly, after raising children, she may feel that she has raised her child and may not be able to take care of the child. Thirdly, the elderly may have a fixed mindset as they age and are not willing to accept new things.

Once the underlying causes of differing perspectives are identified, it becomes possible to comprehend the origins of conflict. It is important to recognize that the divergence in views is not a deliberate attempt to be contentious. Rather, it is a reflection of the fact that the two generations possess distinct conceptual frameworks, which can lead to a lack of mutual understanding and persuasion.

I previously held the same beliefs as the questioner and was prepared to return to the family. However, my father was not amenable to this idea, stating that work was my foundation. My colleagues conveyed a similar message, and ultimately, I was compelled to compromise on the quality of childcare.

During the initial adjustment period, I did not find the situation agreeable. However, upon observing the child's enthusiastic response to the grandmother's return after an extended absence, I experienced a sudden sense of relief. Despite the discrepancy between my ideal upbringing and the reality, it is undeniable that the child displays affection for the grandmother.

As someone who has experienced a similar situation, I can empathize with the feelings expressed by the original poster (OP). I would like to extend a gesture of support and understanding to the OP. It is important to recognize that the child's mother, grandmother, and other family members serve as significant sources of love and attachment for the child. Despite the limited time the OP spends at home with the child, the regular presence of the mother at night can help to maintain a strong emotional bond. Our own child was raised with us until the age of three, and even though she is currently separated from us, she still displays a strong attachment to us when we meet once a week.

With regard to Mandarin, the questioner need not be unduly concerned. Our family also speaks a variety of dialects. My husband and I converse with our child's father in Mandarin, while the grandparents utilize the dialect. However, our children currently all speak Mandarin, not the dialect. Children are exposed to numerous individuals, including friends outside the family, and subsequently, after attending school, they will learn Mandarin and not be significantly influenced by the dialect.

It is important to distinguish the nature of family relationships. The most significant relationship within a family is that between a husband and wife, followed by other relationships. It is recommended that a consensus be reached with one's husband through communication, and that corresponding compromises be made if necessary. Otherwise, emotions and an overbearing attitude will drive the other party further and further away, leading to the deepening of conflicts.

It would be beneficial to attempt to comprehend the perspective of the mother-in-law. Given her roles as a grandmother and a mother, it is likely that she does not intend to cause discord within her son's family and desires to spend time with her grandchildren. Attempting to gain a deeper understanding and communicate more effectively may assist in fostering a more harmonious relationship. It is important to recognize that an individual's fixed characteristics may not readily change. The questioner may wish to reinforce their initial assessment of the mother-in-law as diligent and benevolent.

Once a standard of judgment has been internalized, it will inevitably influence one's perception of the behavior of others, particularly if the standard is negative. In such instances, it may be beneficial for the questioner to attempt a shift in perspective and re-examination of the situation.

It is recommended that the reader familiarize themselves with the following texts: Nonviolent Communication, The Third Alternative, and The Power of Empathy.

I wish you the best of success in your endeavors.

Good morning, I am Coach Yu, and I would be grateful for the opportunity to discuss this topic with you.

First, let's consider interpersonal relationships. Adler once proposed the concept that all human troubles may potentially stem from interpersonal relationships. Because people are often concerned about being disliked by others and of being hurt in interpersonal relationships, they may be prone to developing an inferiority complex.

It is worth noting that the inferiority complex that affects many people is not necessarily an objective reality, but rather a subjective interpretation.

It is possible that our reluctance to live with our mothers-in-law after having children stems from the perception that they may pose a threat to our children's well-being or our own happiness. Such concerns can lead to a deeper introspection and the discovery of aspects of our personality that we may not have fully acknowledged.

As the original poster wrote, my mother-in-law is hardworking, kind, gentle, and patient, while I am the opposite of her. When I am unable to see the child, I worry that the child will not hug me, which I find difficult to accept.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider what aspects of myself might make me feel threatened when I think of my mother-in-law and me fighting over the baby. Similarly, it might be beneficial to reflect on what aspects of myself might make me feel unhappy when I think of my mother-in-law taking away my happiness.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider what we think of our mother-in-law's words and actions in raising our children. What emotions and feelings do they bring out in us?

Perhaps we could also consider what the ideal mother-in-law might be like and what changes, if any, we might need to make in our relationship.

When we are clear about our own needs, it can help us to view the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in a more constructive light.

When we feel anxious, we might like to try taking a deep breath and asking ourselves, "What am I worried about? What does it remind me of?"

"When we learn to accept our emotions and allow them to flow, we may find it easier to act in a more balanced way, rather than in response to emotional suppression. It can also be helpful to try to record what our feelings are at the moment.

Please feel free to write about your feelings in an honest and open manner. This will help us gain insight into the origins and effects of our emotions, as well as identify the root of the problem.

Let's also consider the importance of boundaries. It's helpful to understand the boundaries of others and to know one's own boundaries. These boundaries help us distinguish ourselves from others.

In family relationships, it is not necessary to accept the whole of the other person. We can simply accept the part of the other person that makes us feel comfortable. Similarly, it is not realistic to expect the other person to buy into all of our demands. Attempting to get along in a way that is comfortable for both parties may be a constructive approach. The differences between people determine the different overlapping parts of us, which also serve as the boundary of our interpersonal relationships.

Sometimes we are reluctant to offend others, sometimes we are hesitant to damage relationships, sometimes we avoid potential risks, and sometimes we feel that we are "overthinking" and ignore the signals that our boundaries are being violated. We are uncertain about establishing and maintaining our own boundaries and may not fully protect ourselves.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether we feel offended when our mother-in-law opens our express deliveries and throws away the flowers we have planted, and how we actually feel in such a situation.

We might also consider whether we are offended by our mother-in-law not knocking on the door before entering the house or speaking loudly when we are resting, and how we actually feel about it.

It might also be helpful to consider what we would say and what might happen if we felt uncomfortable in response to these words and deeds of our mother-in-law.

It's not always possible to rely on others to protect us. Based on the principle of topic separation, we can't control what our mother-in-law says or does, and we can't necessarily expect her to know how to behave. It's therefore important for us to take the initiative to take some measures, establish our own boundaries, and clearly express to others when we feel uncomfortable, if necessary using some warning words and methods.

First, it would be beneficial to have a conversation with our husbands. After all, the relationship with our spouse's family is more important than that with our biological family. We should express honestly how uncomfortable we feel when our mother-in-law repeatedly violates our boundaries when we get along with her. We hope that our husbands can do something about it, and they must do something about it. At the same time, we should listen to our husbands tell stories about our mothers-in-law from the past, and how our mothers-in-law see us.

Communication can be a helpful tool for releasing pent-up emotions and deepening your understanding of your mother-in-law, which may in turn lead to a more positive development of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

If you feel you need help, you can also seek support from a family member or friend you trust. If you feel it would be helpful, you can also find a counselor and a support group, as it can be beneficial to talk through your emotions with someone.

It would be beneficial for us to affirm ourselves and empower ourselves. Based on the principle of separating issues, it may be challenging to change others; however, by changing ourselves, we can facilitate personal growth. On weekends, you may wish to consider going out for a walk with your loved ones and children, listening to the sounds of frogs in the rice fields and birds chirping, enjoying the fragrance of flowers, and maintaining a positive mood. Additionally, you could explore ways to enrich your knowledge and inner self. When our core is strong, it may positively influence the people around us.

You might find it helpful to read "Nonviolent Communication."

Dear friend, I can sense your confusion and stress. Navigating family tensions, the challenges of child-rearing, and balancing personal and professional development can be complex and stressful. It is understandable that you feel uneasy, anxious, and even want to quit your job to avoid these conflicts.

It is worth noting that emotions and stress can become more sensitive, particularly following a pregnancy and birth.

From a psychological perspective, the family can be seen as a complex system, with each member occupying a specific role and holding certain expectations. In your case, there seems to be a discrepancy between your mother-in-law's traditional values and your own approach to parenting, which is more aligned with modern concepts.

It's not uncommon for such conflicts to arise, particularly in intergenerational family relationships. Your mother-in-law, who is a hardworking and kind person, may have certain deeply ingrained behaviors and habits that are not easy to change.

At the same time, your expectations and needs are reasonable, such as wanting your child to learn Mandarin so that he or she can better integrate into society.

It is understandable that you have concerns about your mother-in-law, such as her possibly competing for your child's attention and the influence she may have on your child. As a mother, these are very natural concerns. At the same time, you are also trying to maintain your personal space and career development, which are worthy of respect.

It is natural to want a harmonious family environment and to hope that your children can grow up in an environment full of love and respect. These are all very good wishes. At the same time, it is understandable that you are also trying to find a balance that can meet the needs of the family while maintaining personal independence and career development.

The feeling of "stealing the child" you mentioned is actually a very common postpartum emotional response, which is called "maternal jealousy." This feeling may make you defensive towards your mother-in-law, worrying that she will replace your place in your child's heart.

This will require time and communication to gradually ease. It is a profound point that self-realization does require a unity of family values, social values, and personal values.

Indeed, striking a balance between one's career, family role, and social expectations can be challenging. Communication and setting boundaries are essential tools in this process.

With regard to the mother-in-law's behaviour, such as unpacking the parcel, taking care of the plants and the way she takes care of the children, these may be her ways of expressing her care and helping, but it is understandable that they do not meet your expectations. Although she may be well-intentioned, it is possible that these behaviours may infringe on your personal space and parenting autonomy.

In this situation, communication is of great importance. You may wish to consider finding an appropriate time to express your feelings and expectations in a non-accusatory way.

It might also be helpful to consider seeking the support of your husband, who could act as a bridge between you and your in-laws.

As for the question of whether to quit your job and take care of your child yourself, it is a decision that requires careful thought and consideration. It is important to weigh the relationship between work, family, and personal happiness.

It might be helpful to consider all possible options before making a decision, including seeking professional career planning advice, family counseling, or even parenting support. If you feel that the current situation is having a negative impact on your mental health and your child's development, it might be beneficial to explore alternative solutions.

Your feelings and experiences are unique, but they are also challenges that many people face together. It is possible to find solutions that are right for you and your family through active action and communication.

It is important to remember that your happiness and health are valuable, and that you should not hesitate to pursue them. Taking care of yourself is an excellent way to ensure that you are able to take care of your children and family.

Every effort should be acknowledged, and every ounce of effort should be appreciated. Feedback, attention, and praise are not only forms of recognition, but also motivators.

Such feedback can be likened to spring rain nourishing our hearts, inspiring us to pursue excellence and create more value.

You might find it helpful to read "Nonviolent Communication."

Dear question asker,

From your description, I can sense your inner confusion, anxiety, and helplessness. At the same time, you have a very good sense of awareness and the courage to face these uncomfortable feelings.

From your description, I have identified a few points that I believe are worth further discussion.

1. You perceive your mother-in-law to be kind and pleasant, yet you have a different impression.

2. When your mother-in-law came to take care of you after the birth, it made you feel somewhat uneasy. On the one hand, your mother-in-law and your husband spoke in their native dialect when they were with the baby.

It seems that the other husband listens more to his mother-in-law, which may make you feel a little uncomfortable. You even worry that your mother-in-law might take your husband and child away from you, and that your child might not be close to you.

3. Some of the behaviors of your mother-in-law may evoke feelings of discomfort and disrespect.

From reading your description, I can empathise with your feelings and understand your internal conflict. While your mother-in-law can help you share the burden, you are concerned about some of my words and actions, and even worry about taking away the child and husband.

I believe this is not your fault. It may be due to things you experienced with the previous student family's education model and postpartum endocrine reasons. You were able to detect it in time and come here.

I believe you are already on the path to change.

All problems can be viewed as resources, and we are adept at solving our own problems. Based on your description, I have some suggestions that I hope will be helpful.

If I might make a suggestion, it would be to try to become more aware of and clarify the underlying needs that are driving your emotions.

Could I ask you to share with me why you feel this way? When did you first feel this way? What was the situation? How did you adjust after that? When we encounter problems, we may find that self-awareness and self-clarification can often help us sort out our emotions and adjust our mood.

If I might make one more suggestion, when you are feeling emotional and confused, it might help to communicate more with your husband and express your emotions. Of course, this expression is not an emotional expression. You might like to tell your husband your inner needs and inner anxieties. Your husband's care may also help you regain some emotional stability.

It would be helpful to learn to adjust ourselves and accept that we can be in various states. So-called negative emotions may actually have a positive meaning. When faced with this kind of behavior from your mother-in-law, it can be an opportunity to recognize our desire for our husband's love, closeness with our children, respect, recognition, and understanding. It is also important to learn to love ourselves and respect our own feelings.

Perhaps the key to finding the strength to walk away from this uncomfortable state is learning to love ourselves.

You might consider seeking out positive experiences or finding ways to relieve uncomfortable emotions through meditation, positive mental suggestions, or talking to someone. Taking care of our bodies can also be beneficial.

If you feel you cannot adjust on your own, you might like to consider seeking the help of a professional counselor. A counselor can use their professional skills to delve into the root causes in your subconscious, adjust your perceptions, heal your inner self, and give you the courage to come out of this uncomfortable feeling.

Hi, I'm Strawberry.

People's relationships change over time. When people have different views and practices, what used to be an advantage can become a disadvantage, which can affect the relationship between them.

Different views

Before having children, the author felt comfortable with her mother-in-law. She approved of her character and felt relieved to leave everything in her hands. She even wanted her own child to be brought up by her mother-in-law.

The questioner and her partner are both working adults. She feels at ease with her mother-in-law, so her first reaction is to continue working and let her mother-in-law take care of the children. This seems to be the best of both worlds for the future.

Imagination is beautiful, but reality is stark. If people have different approaches to child rearing, it will be difficult to achieve a better educational effect. The child's character can also be affected by the different approaches to education.

The real reason for negative emotions

After her child was born, the questioner changed her opinion of her mother-in-law. She saw her as flawed and it made her anxious to live with her.

The question asker's mother-in-law speaks in dialect. She speaks to the question asker's husband and children in dialect. The question asker feels uncomfortable because her husband speaks to her mother-in-law in dialect. Now that her mother-in-law speaks to the children in dialect, the children don't understand. Once it becomes second nature, it will be more difficult to change.

The question asker doesn't want to learn the dialect, but her husband told her to just be herself. She felt like an outsider when they spoke in dialect in front of her. Now she's trying to stop them from speaking to their child in dialect because she's afraid it will affect her relationship with her child.

Is it my problem?

If you live together, you need to respect each other and be tolerant. Habits can be changed. If you only think about yourself, you are not thinking about how your actions affect others. This causes conflict.

☀️Pay attention to emotions: I don't like how my mother-in-law acts. It makes me worry. Even if it doesn't happen, it affects me and stops me from being normal.

Pregnancy, childbirth, and the early days of motherhood can all lead to depression. The physical changes that happen during these periods can affect a mother's mood and thoughts. If they feel down, they might think negatively about things.

Know your emotions, value them, talk to someone when you're troubled, and learn from others when you have problems. Once you know things are not that bad and you can control them, your emotions will calm down.

☀️ Communicate: Everyone has their own habits. The questioner wants to be tolerant of her mother-in-law, but her mother-in-law doesn't respect the questioner's habits. The questioner's husband is afraid to say anything to his mother, which makes it even worse.

Everyone in the house is family. If one person has to make the rules, it shows there are problems in the relationship.

The family should talk together. You are all equal and respect each other. You do not force your habits on others. Talk together to find solutions.

The change in the relationship between the questioner and her mother-in-law stems from the birth of the child and their different views on education. The older generation brings up children based on their own experience, while the questioner learns from others and teaches herself online. Different methods of education have little impact on the child.

As a new mother, I worry a lot. This makes small problems seem bigger. My anxiety affects my normal life.

The main thing you need to change is the idea that your mother-in-law is trying to take something away from you. Find a way to release your emotions. When you're optimistic and positive, you'll be less negative and anxious.

I hope this helps. Best wishes.

Hello, question asker. I'm Evan, a consultant in the fine-tuning school.

From the questioner's description, I can tell she is anxious, depressed, and afraid. Many women feel this way after giving birth.

If you don't handle these emotions well, they can cause problems.

It's normal to feel stressed after childbirth. This can make it worse if you also have to live with your mother-in-law. Small problems can seem big when you're feeling stressed. The feelings and troubles experienced by the questioner are common to many new mothers.

It's normal to feel anxious and worried after childbirth. This doesn't mean you have a problem. It just means you're adapting to your new life and facing future challenges.

We can't discuss the question in depth because it was asked on a platform. We can only give simple advice on how to deal with emotions and the relationship with the mother-in-law.

Open communication is important. The questioner can tell her husband and mother-in-law how she feels. She can also tell them how she raises her children, how she respects her family's space, and what she expects in terms of privacy.

When talking, avoid criticism and be understanding.

Set boundaries. Tell your mother-in-law that your home is your space and that you want her to respect your privacy. If she doesn't, tell her firmly.

The questioner can try to sit down with her and express feelings and concerns, while also setting some basic boundaries. When communicating, try to use language such as "I feel" to avoid accusations.

Co-parenting: You want your child to speak Mandarin, but the mother-in-law wants to speak in the local dialect. This is a difference in educational values.

The questioner can try to understand her mother-in-law's thoughts and expectations. Perhaps you can both speak Mandarin in front of the child, but in private, the mother-in-law can use the dialect to communicate with the child.

If you're worried about your mother-in-law's parenting style, you can try parenting classes or read parenting books together. This will improve your communication and ensure your child grows up safe and healthy.

Get help from your parents with the baby. This will help you and make you feel more at ease.

It's normal to have emotional problems after giving birth. These can be caused by past experiences. Having good support can help you deal with the current situation. This can be family, friends, parenting groups, or childcare staff.

If you need help dealing with these emotions and stress, you can seek professional psychological counseling. Family counselors or psychologists can provide guidance and help you find solutions to problems.

They can help the questioner and her mother-in-law understand each other better and have a healthier relationship. At the same time, the questioner can find out why they feel anxious and depressed and what they need from them.

Everyone has a different parenting style. What's acceptable today wasn't always so. The author's mother-in-law may not be as perceptive or as energetic as the author. This is understandable. What's important is that she wants the child to grow up well.

Try to accept some minor imperfections in parenting and focus on your child's overall well-being. While ensuring your child's healthy growth, also ensure your own physical and mental health.

This is important for the questioner's emotional stability and physical and mental health.

The questioner is not alone. Many new mothers experience similar challenges.

The key is to find a way to deal with it that suits you, to stay open and positive, and to work hard to find a solution. Dealing with the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law takes time and effort, but through mutual understanding, respect, and communication, the questioner can establish a more harmonious relationship with her mother-in-law and contribute to the happiness and growth of the family.

I hope this helps.

Hello, question asker. I see you're confused. I'm here to help!

First, congratulations on becoming a mom!

Your husband needs you to understand his situation. You and your mother-in-law are both important to him.

It's hard for him to be in the middle.

If your mother-in-law speaks to your husband in dialect instead of Mandarin, you will have a problem with it.

When I first moved to Shanghai to join my husband seven years ago, I was in a similar situation. At the dinner table, my in-laws and my husband spoke Shanghainese, not Mandarin.

Later, my husband's brother told my father-in-law that I couldn't understand Shanghainese.

Then the father-in-law switched to Mandarin.

Your mother-in-law may have grown up in a more traditional Chinese family and think your business is her business.

She didn't ask questions and opened your package.

Tell her when you're both at the dinner table.

If you're getting changed, knock on the door.

Tell your husband about the things you don't like about your mother-in-law, but don't attack or accuse.

Seek help from a professional counselor if needed.

A counselor can give you better advice.

I hope you can solve your problem soon.

That's all I can think of.

I hope my answer helps. I'm the answerer, and I study hard every day.

Best wishes!

!