Why do you start to feel disgust and aversion once you become intimate with someone?

Dear questioner, I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean by "intimacy." From what you've said, it seems like you're talking about a romantic relationship between two people of the opposite sex. You say you feel disgusted and uncomfortable with intimate contact that has a sexual meaning, like kissing.

I read that you're talking about close relationships between friends of the same sex. It seems like you feel uncomfortable with certain behaviors, like holding hands and using the same cup. I totally get it! I don't know your age, but I'm guessing you're a college student.

From what you've told me, I get the feeling that you might be a bit reluctant to get too close, especially in a sexual way. I'm not 100% sure if that's the case, though.

1. As you grow up, it's really important to get to know all about the science of sex. This will help you to understand your own body and mind better. It's true that as you grow up, you start to think more and more like a man or a woman. But it's not always easy to feel sexually mature when you're not ready.

It's so interesting how society has gone from being afraid of sex to superficially discussing it. And while there is a lot of talk about love, there is not much in-depth discussion of a real sexual culture. Wouldn't it be great if we could give ourselves the opportunity to learn and make psychological sexual maturity a topic for ourselves?

It's so important to learn about sex and understand how sexual culture has developed over time. This will help you to form your own sexual values, which will stay with you throughout your whole life.

2. You don't have to do things you find disgusting. Whether it's kissing or holding hands, it's all about boundaries.

If something makes you feel uncomfortable, don't worry! It's totally okay to set boundaries and put yourself in a more comfortable position. And remember, there's nothing wrong with you!

It's so important to put yourself in a more comfortable position and set boundaries with your actions. For example, if you're giving a friend a cup, and you have to use someone else's cup that has been used for drinking water, just wipe it with a paper towel.

There are lots of little things you can do to make things feel better, like wearing gloves or holding hands with friends.

3. When you feel disgusted, take a moment to think about the associations you have with the behavior you dislike. It's important to remember that disgusting behavior is only the surface. The associations brought about by the behavior and the meaning you give to it are what cause you to feel emotions.

So, take a deep breath and try to figure out what really makes you feel uncomfortable. Once you know what it is, you can solve the problem more specifically.

Intimacy is such an important topic in life. Having good intimacy is the foundation of happiness. It's so important to put in the effort to understand what's going on and to learn and grow. I highly recommend reading the works of Li Yinhe, such as Feminism. Wishing you all the best!

Dear questioner,

Hi, I'm Kelly!

[Regarding intimate relationships, I started in high school, and I have had this confusion in several subsequent intimate relationships]

Let me make an assumption:

First, let's think about some of the things that happened when we were kids.

First, let's work together to understand what affects our ability to form close relationships.

As we grow up, we all want to communicate naturally and comfortably with the opposite sex. We also want to be able to share those special moments with our partners, like romance, hugs, and kissing.

It's totally normal to feel this way! It's possible that the reason for this inability to establish a relationship may be that from childhood to adulthood, we had relatively little contact with our fathers.

Deep down, they longed to establish a relationship with their father, but sadly, they didn't get that chance.

Some were also lucky enough to be brought up by their grandparents.

The relationship with the opposite-sex parent is a great example for how we can build relationships with others.

Let's take boys, for example. Their relationship with their mother is really important.

For girls, it's all about the relationship with their dad.

As we grow and learn, the first time we meet someone on the other side of the gender divide is with our parents.

In such an environment, our parents are our wonderful teachers!

Some parents are very affectionate and have a great relationship. They appreciate each other, and their child learns how to show affection and express emotions in a healthy way.

Some parents are also quite scoldful and blameful, and as children, these two "teachers" will also learn these abilities.

All of this affects us in ways that are hard to put into words. In our minds, we want to be close to them, but we also have conflicting emotions.

If you're interested, you can also take a look at these stages mentioned by Freud.

Erikson's theory of personality development is really interesting because it looks at how our personalities are shaped by things like biology and culture.

You can also learn about Erikson's eight stages of life development, which I think you'll find really interesting!

He also mentioned that when we're young, it's really important to start acting independently and learning to doubt shyness. Our family is the main place we learn and grow.

I really wanted to fall in love, just like when I was a student. But I was never able to get involved with a guy because my mother always said that it was shameful to do so, that students who fall in love are shameless, and so on.

As a young adolescent, I was both curious and shy, and I also felt that I wasn't as cute as I could be, and that no one would love me.

I didn't really understand love and sex properly at the time.

It's totally normal to want to fall in love! But sometimes, things in our lives can get in the way.

2: It's always a good idea to explore yourself to find out if you have any bad experiences.

For example, we've all had those experiences of seeing people we don't like when we were young and having some bad memories. I remember that when I was young, I especially disliked an elderly relative from a distant family.

He was such a sweetheart. He would get all affectionate when he saw girls. My cousin told me that he kissed her once.

For a long time, I was afraid of him and also afraid of men. I know it's totally normal to feel that way!

These experiences are also what I heard and saw during my own growth process, as well as some heterosexual roles and experiences. I think these things may have influenced my perception at that time, but I'm sure I'm not alone in that!

It wasn't until my 20s that I was able to overcome some of my "prejudices" about the opposite sex. I did this through lots of reading and socializing with some truly outstanding friends of the opposite sex. I also gained a new understanding through dating.

3: I had a female classmate who was told by a male classmate that she wasn't pretty. It's so sad! She felt inferior inside for a long time, until she later met a guy who liked her.

Another classmate was afraid to fall in love because she was told she had bad breath. I told her to go see a dentist, and maybe a filling would solve the problem.

Another friend was really worried that if she got together with her partner, they'd see her imperfections. She felt like she didn't have the perfect body.

She's really self-conscious about her small breasts, bless her.

The lover sees the beauty in your eyes. I also said that someone who really likes you accepts your advantages and disadvantages.

Because nobody's perfect, and that's totally okay!

Some folks were also taught that men are dirty. It's so sad when this kind of thing gets stuck in their hearts, making them nervous when they fall in love and enter into an intimate relationship.

Some folks are also concerned about pregnancy, but they can actually learn more about contraceptive methods.

Some folks are also concerned about what some people call the "virgin complex."

I know there are people who have been happily divorced.

These are just a few of the stories and confusions that some friends of mine have shared with me.

You know, whenever you see a problem, there's always a solution!

One way to do it is to...

What options are there, my friend?

Firstly,

You can relax and not force yourself. Maybe some people really don't like it that much. And if you don't force yourself, there will be less inner resistance, and you can naturally enjoy love and follow your feelings.

Treat the other person as you would a same-sex friend you know. Have a chat, drink coffee, go shopping, talk about your ideals and hobbies. If you're comfortable, continue being friends. If you're not comfortable, don't force yourself, and you can end it at any time.

You can always try to find a guy you like. It's totally up to you, and you can pursue a relationship through your own efforts.

It doesn't matter what the outcome is, my friend. You can find some self-confidence and become someone who can make free choices.

Secondly,

If you meet someone you like, you can also tell your opposite-sex friend, and they'll be there for you!

If he's a mature person, he'll see your tension too. You can face it together and grow stronger together!

And you're also taking the initiative to be honest with yourself, which is so important!

This way, you won't have to worry or be afraid. You'll also give him a chance to understand you, help you, and understand your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. This will bring you closer together, shorten the distance between your hearts, gain your trust, and improve your relationship.

We often say that a good relationship is one where you can relax with each other, where your partner accepts you for who you are, and where the person who stays is someone who is willing to listen to you, understands you, and is the right person for you.

And finally,

If you need help, don't hesitate to reach out to a professional.

If something's been on your mind for a while, don't fret! Instead of letting it weigh on you, take the first step to clear the air.

Don't worry, these confusing feelings are totally normal. A counselor can help you work through them together.

It can be really helpful to speak your mind to a counselor. Learning to communicate will also enable you to apply these skills in your life and romantic relationships.

When we grow up and face our problems head-on, they lose their power over us.

Warm regards,

If you'd like to keep chatting, just click 'Find a coach' in the top right or bottom corner. I'd be happy to have a one-on-one conversation with you!

Hello!

Host:

The poster seems confused and unsure about herself. She's looking for answers. She's brave for sharing her feelings and seeking help. This will help her understand herself better and adjust her feelings.

I will also share my thoughts, which may help the hostess understand herself better.

1. What is intimacy to you?

You mentioned a relationship in high school that ended the day after he kissed you. At the time, you felt disgusted, sick, and nauseated.

But recently, I have become close to a good friend of mine (before we were just very close), and now I feel repulsed. When relationships become closer, people feel rejection and disgust.

I want to discuss this with you.

What is intimacy? What do your feelings tell you?

This is something to think about. Emotions have messages or needs behind them.

You seem to feel better when you maintain distance. What does that mean to you? These questions may help you figure out what's going on inside.

2. Explore your body to understand yourself better.

The poster said that when they get close to someone, they feel sick and their heart hurts. Find a quiet place to relax and notice your body. Which part feels uncomfortable or tight?

Our emotions often have a physical manifestation. We can explore ourselves through these manifestations. When we notice an uncomfortable body part, we can focus on it without judging it.

Imagine what this area would say.

This is a way to explore our inner world. You can also use this method with other emotions. If you're interested, read the book "The Body Knows the Answer" by Wu Zhihong.

3. Look at what affects our intimate relationships.

You can make changes by understanding why you are the way you are. You can also look at your upbringing.

These can also affect our relationships.

Our parents' intimacy in our original family also affects us. Think about this.

Some people were raised to distrust men. This makes it harder for them to trust and form close relationships.

Some people have had bad experiences when they were young. We can use an adult's perspective to review our growth experiences and see what may have affected us.

Exploring these may not be easy, but we can give ourselves time and space. If we need help, we can seek it. We can also learn psychology on our own. If you're interested, read "Intimacy" by Huang Qituan.

I hope this helps and inspires you. If you have questions, click Find a Coach to talk to a coach.

My name is Gu Yi. I am a modest and self-effacing individual who is consistent in my actions.

It is important to examine the fundamental aspects of any situation.

The emergence of a situation must have a breeding ground, which may be conscious or unconscious. Conscious aversion represents a failure to reach the heart, while unconscious aversion is a deep scar.

In your description of the circumstances surrounding the dissolution of your high school relationship, you have identified certain behaviors or situations that may have contributed to the breakdown. However, these observations represent merely the effects, not the causes. To gain a deeper understanding, we must investigate further to determine the underlying factors.

I empathize with your situation. When you approach intimacy, you tend to reject and dislike it reflexively. You may not be able to identify the specific reasons or causes for these feelings, but they are present and causing a certain degree of disruption in your life. You want to change, but you're uncertain about where to begin.

I would like to offer some advice.

It is advisable to set aside your own concerns and reservations. This does not imply a lack of personal boundaries, but rather an openness to experiencing a range of emotions. temporarily set aside your usual caution and inhibitions, and approach the situation with a willingness to engage and a positive outlook.

The origin of these inner wounds is unknown, but their existence necessitates direct confrontation. When aversion arises during the formation of a positive relationship, it is essential to summarize the situation and persuade oneself.

There is a duality to life, with both positive and negative aspects. The inability to form close relationships has affected many people to some extent, leading to feelings of doubt. However, it has also served as a protective measure for some. It is understandable to feel resentment when this has not happened. It is important to adjust gradually and develop genuine trust and sincere feelings.

Best regards,

Hello, I hope my answer helps.

The host knows how he acts in relationships. Intimacy isn't just romantic. It's also friendship. So why do we want to distance ourselves when we get close?

This is probably because of how you grew up and how you got along with your parents. Think about whether you didn't have a close relationship with your parents or if your mother didn't respond to you emotionally when you were young. We need to understand why you avoid people so we can improve it.

My advice is:

Try to understand why you act the way you do.

It's hard to remember what it was like as a child. Our sense of security in close relationships is established before the age of one. Think back to before the age of one. Remember how you were raised. Did your parents respond to your crying in a timely manner?

Did you get comforted in time?

Psychology calls this "attachment." It's the special emotional bond we form with those who care for us as infants. It affects our relationships with others, from parents to partners. From your description, we have an avoidant attachment pattern, which is insecure.

You were probably neglected and unloved as a child. This made you avoid your emotions and hide your needs. This pattern will continue unless you make changes.

We can't change our past, but we can change how we see it. We can understand and accept ourselves. Then we can make changes to become secure in our attachments.

2. Work on your attachment patterns to become more secure in relationships.

One way to change an insecure attachment style is to find a romantic partner or close friend with a secure attachment style.

Some secure people can handle insecure people easily. They are confident and patient.

Spending time with them will help you feel more secure and move towards a secure attachment.

However, it is difficult for someone who is not secure to feel attracted to someone who is secure at first. If you want to feel secure and happy, you need to spend more time with people who make you feel safe and warm.

We can also find a good counselor.

Counseling lets you release your emotions and talk to a counselor. A good counselor can help you heal.

There are other ways to improve too.

Understand what you are sensitive to and learn to think about things objectively.

Learn to express your needs and handle rejection.

Be honest and face conflict.

Manage your emotions and relationships.

Many people are insecurely attached, but they can feel safe in relationships. We can adjust our attachment patterns through our own efforts. You can take relevant courses or read related books.

This is just a reference. Best wishes!

Hello, if I may offer you a 360-degree hug.

From your question, it seems that you may tend to maintain a greater psychological distance from the opposite sex and a smaller distance from the same sex. However, it's possible that once you get too close, you may feel a sense of discomfort and desire to distance yourself.

From a psychological perspective, this is largely influenced by the upbringing model experienced during childhood and the moral concepts that were formed as a result. It would be helpful to gain more insight into this aspect.

You might find it helpful to categorize your relationships and consider what kind of distance you can accept and not dislike with different groups of people.

Could you kindly share what kind of physical distance you feel comfortable with when interacting with male friends?

As a general rule, the distance between people can be divided into three categories. The first category is what we might call "intimate distance," which ranges from 0.15 to 0.44 meters. This is the smallest distance in interpersonal relationships, where you can have a heart-to-heart talk and be very close.

The second type is what we might call "personal distance." It ranges from 0.46 m to 1.22 m, which is a distance that allows for a certain degree of physical contact while still maintaining a sense of propriety.

It could be said that friends and acquaintances belong to this type of distance.

The third type is social distance, which is more common in formal situations and social occasions and typically ranges from 1.2 to 2.1 meters.

It is understandable that everyone may have a different psychological threshold for physical distance. However, there is a distance that is generally accepted by all. If the distance is too close, it can feel uncomfortable and cause us to pull back.

In a relationship between a man and a woman, it is often observed that the distance between them gradually shifts from personal to intimate. While some may initially be comfortable with personal distance, it is not uncommon to find it more challenging to maintain intimate distance.

It is often the case that same-sex friends maintain a certain personal distance, even when they are in close proximity to one another. This can be quite different from the proximity observed between friends of the opposite sex.

It may be helpful to consider dividing the distance between you and different people.

Perhaps we could consider, for example, how much distance is appropriate for ordinary friends of the opposite sex, colleagues, or classmates?

It would be beneficial to consider how much distance is appropriate between a couple. Perhaps the first thing to think about is psychological distance.

It might be helpful to consider what kind of distance is right for you in a couple relationship. Many of us assume that if two people have established an emotional relationship, it means that the distance between them will be very small, and physical contact such as kissing and cuddling is a psychological preconception.

Could you please share your expectations and thoughts on the psychological aspects of possible intimate contact in a non-serious relationship?

How would you describe the appropriate distance between ordinary same-sex friends? It might be a little smaller than that between you and your male friends.

How much distance is appropriate between close friends of the same sex? Without knowing your age, I'll share my own experience.

I must admit that I can't recall the last time I held hands with a same-sex friend. When I walk with same-sex friends, we may hold hands, but it's not something we do regularly.

It is important to remember that everyone has a different sense of distance and that what is acceptable to one person may not be to another.

It might be helpful to consider these four types of distance and, depending on the relationship, to identify which distance makes you feel uncomfortable.

It is possible that this discomfort may be related to feelings associated with attachment patterns and the psychological distance formed by one's upbringing as a child.

For instance, it might be the case that when they were young, their parents did not hug them very often, or perhaps they did not hug them when they asked. However, it is also possible that they felt very loved by their parents.

This can potentially lead to some confusion in the child, who may want intimacy but is also afraid of rejection. Intimacy with others can sometimes manifest as a defense mechanism, which may involve rejecting further intimacy in advance to avoid possible harm.

It might be helpful to try to find out the reasons or talk to a counselor to understand what factors have affected your psychological defense against distance.

Once you have identified the underlying cause and gained a deeper understanding of your own behavior, you can then explore new experiences.

I often draw inspiration from Buddhist teachings and occasionally offer guidance with an optimistic outlook. I genuinely care about the world and its people.