Why does the sense of boundless helpfulness arise from an identity or the cultivation of a habit?

Hello!

You are a kind person who wants to help others. You don't want to laugh at someone, so you are very willing to help them avoid making a fool of themselves. Your intentions are good.

We often encounter awkward situations where our good intentions are not rewarded. We share our valuable experience with others, hoping they won't make a fool of themselves, but they don't appreciate it and may even reject it. This makes us confused and we want to know why.

You are thoughtful and have already started to reflect on yourself: "Do I lecture people because I don't have good boundaries? Is it because of my mother's teaching style?"

Are you preaching or teaching? Are you being too nurturing?

"

Your reasons are related to communication methods that can cause pressure and rejection. Even if you're right, the other person may not accept it.

If you don't lecture them, will they accept it? Maybe not.

There's a saying: "If the mother feels cold, you must feel cold." It means imposing your feelings on others.

So, the first step for a true enthusiast is to understand what other people need. What you think they need, they don't.

Some parents believe children should not be burdened with too much learning. However, if someone recommends an interest class, they may not accept it.

If you think something is helpful, share it. Don't worry if others don't accept it. In this way, you can do good in the world without feeling bad if others don't appreciate it.

The world needs you! Good luck!

Hello, landlord. I'm confident my answer will be helpful to you.

We have had similar experiences. I used to like to please others, and now I sometimes help others without expecting anything in return. We worry about the bad consequences for others, or perhaps it has something to do with our identity, but we want to gain the affirmation and recognition of others. We know that there is an important concept in psychology called respect. We must respect not only others but also ourselves. So, how can we meet our own needs while also respecting those around us?

This is not easy, but it is necessary.

If our boundaries were not respected as children, we will naturally be unable to respect boundaries as adults. However, we can and should practice and learn, even if it takes time.

When we learn to love ourselves and feel that we are worth cherishing, we earn self-respect. When we rediscover our own preciousness, we naturally respect our own boundaries and discover the skills and courage to protect our own space.

We avoid setting boundaries because we're afraid of losing the other person's love or being ignored. We're so hungry for love and approval that we let others walk all over us.

We invite aggression because we are not living our own energy. When aggression comes, we must recognize it and stop reinforcing this inner process. Our boundaries are important and must be respected.

Let me tell you how to establish your boundaries.

Know when you're being violated and set your boundaries.

Become aware of situations in which you feel violated. Identify the behaviors or words of others that make you feel attacked or ashamed. For example, consider instances when someone takes something from you without asking, when someone doesn't respect an agreement, or when someone doesn't repay a debt and never talks about it.

Yes, everyone cares about different things. When we feel uncomfortable and feel violated, our inner self will feel it. And we must relearn to respect our own boundaries. This is a process of constantly returning to oneself and trusting one's inner self.

2. Feel your anger and heal.

If we repress our anger, we cut ourselves off from our strength and condemn ourselves to shame. We must learn to say no and reclaim our self-esteem. This allows us to reconnect with the anger and shame we suffered as children.

You must create a safe and accepting space to release the anger. Reconnect with this energy and then release and express it in a suitable way. Scream and rant at someone or a pillow, or use the empty chair technique to release. In a room, put an empty chair, assuming that the person you want to talk to is sitting in the chair. Then, express yourself to the chair (anger, abuse are fine).

When you heal the anger that has built up inside you, you will be able to say "no" naturally when you feel your boundaries being violated.

3. Return to your center.

Having true self-esteem means trusting yourself and your instincts. When we're in tune with ourselves and know what's right for us, we can move back to the center of our own being and no longer need to build a fence around ourselves to protect ourselves.

For example, when faced with a choice, recognize that you are not being forced to act. You have chosen to act, and you must accept responsibility for the consequences of that choice. If you choose to act, you must accept responsibility for the consequences. Conversely, if you choose not to act, you must accept responsibility for the consequences of that choice. To make good choices and protect your boundaries, go back to your inner self and identify your true desires.

You can learn why you feel attacked and violated.

You need to ask yourself: what do you need from the other person? And can the other person give you that?

There is no other way to get this need met.

If you feel violated and have the space to share the hurt, do it. If you don't have that space, go back to your inner self. Look at your inner desires and needs. Satisfy this part of yourself through reasonable methods. If you want to be affirmed, learn to affirm yourself.

In the chapter on boundaries, "Embracing Your Inner Child" states the following:

Let me be clear: no one can bully us. Even the idea of being bullied is a product of shame and fear, part of our dissociation. To break free from it, we must feel ourselves differently, feel our center and dignity.

This will happen slowly, but it will happen. Once you begin to heal, you will be able to express your feelings more directly.

The problem is not other people. It is the wound of self-pity and the injury to our self-esteem. As long as the wound of shame remains unhealed, we will attract people who violate us and repeat the experiences of our early years.

Healing requires connecting with our inner pain and finding the inner strength to stop the harm. We work from within to stop external harm by understanding and feeling shame, feeling ourselves more deeply, and loving the wounded inner child.

I have also been working hard on this path of exploring my own boundaries. Looking back, I can see that after a lot of inner work and healing, I am now indeed stronger than before. I am also more able to make choices, to say "no," and to take the initiative in my own life into my own hands. I am still continuing to explore, and I would like to share this with you. Come on, good luck!

Dear Questioner,

From your description, it appears that you may be experiencing a common phenomenon in interpersonal relationships: a sense of boundaries. A sense of boundaries is simply a feeling that someone is encroaching on your personal space or your limits.

It is essential to establish boundaries in all types of relationships, including friendships, family ties, and romantic partnerships. The individual in question indicates that they are uncertain about how to interact with others. However, the underlying issue may be their inability to set clear boundaries, which can contribute to feelings of discomfort in social situations.

Individuals with a clear sense of boundaries often possess high self-esteem, confidence, and a strong sense of security. They are not afraid to decline requests from others and do not burden them with their personal affairs. If they do, they learn to be grateful because no one wants to be bothered constantly, even by those closest to them. Individuals with a weak sense of boundaries often lack self-confidence and self-esteem. They may invest significant time and energy in helping others, only to find that the other person disappears after a casual thank you. This can lead to a lack of gratitude from the other person, who may not recognize the value of the help provided. In business, this can result in a lack of recognition and respect from colleagues. It can also make it challenging to build genuine relationships and win the respect and attention of others.

The source of a weak sense of boundaries may be related to the original family. The lifestyle of the original family will affect us from an early age. The education of our parents is of paramount importance. The fact that the original poster's once-compliant personality is gradually awakening shows that the original poster's own sense of personality is also strengthening. Our entire life is a lifelong learning process, including our parents. Learning is an important thing, and through the study of psychology, we can understand ourselves.

How to Handle Boundary Issues:

[1] Refuse to engage in activities that are not your own and communicate this directly. For instance, the questioner can assist others in achieving personal happiness when they have the time, but if they go to the trouble of helping others without any reward, the other person will not even express gratitude. A direct and firm refusal is also an effective way to protect one's boundaries.

[2] It is crucial to understand your limits. Without this understanding, it is challenging to establish reasonable boundaries in professional interactions.

As an illustration, one can ascertain their tolerance for discomfort and pressure in response to a given situation. For instance, in a joking context, one might become visibly upset to reject the actions of another, thereby identifying their personal boundaries.

[3] Enhance self-awareness. Identify your preferences and dispreferences, and adopt an objective stance towards yourself, examining your attributes from the perspective of others.

For example, we can observe and analyze our own mental activities, behaviors, emotions, and their results. We can also understand ourselves through the attitudes of others, through others as a mirror, and through the results of our own activities as a mirror. We can understand our own abilities, strengths, and weaknesses. We can set goals according to our own situation, clarify what kind of person we should become, and firmly believe in becoming that kind of person.

[4] Learn to distinguish between issues. This means being able to differentiate between other people's issues and your own, as well as between other people's emotions and your own.

It is important to understand that we are responsible for our own affairs and not for other people's. While we can choose to help others because it makes us happy, we do not have to do so. It is also essential to recognize that human energy is limited. When we know the difference between other people's affairs and our own, we can refuse to help with other people's affairs because it is our right.

I hope the above is helpful to the individual who posed the question.

Dear Question Asker, I am pleased to respond to your inquiry.

Affirm the questioner's actions by offering a pat on the shoulder and words of encouragement. After acquiring knowledge in the field of family education, the natural inclination is to extend support to others. This behavior is commendable, yet it is essential to reflect on the most effective ways to provide assistance and the underlying principles that should guide such actions.

From the questioner's own description, it can be seen that when helping others, the questioner seems to prefer a didactic approach and likes to give advice. However, it is unclear whether this is a conscious decision or a result of the questioner's training. Given that the questioner has studied family education in the same professional institution as I have studied psychology, I believe it would be beneficial to share some insights from our respective fields.

Firstly, it is imperative that all counselors and family educators adhere to one fundamental principle when assisting others: the principle of value neutrality. This principle necessitates that counselors refrain from unduly influencing the values of their clients.

Specifically, in the process of psychological counseling, the counselor should respect the values of the client. It is unethical to use one's own value standards to make arbitrary value judgments on the client's behavior or to force the client to accept one's own views and attitudes. When the client's values conflict with their own or those of society, the counselor should treat the client with a non-judgmental attitude of understanding, acceptance, and respect.

In light of these considerations, analysis, comparison, and guidance should be provided to enable the visitor to make their own judgment and ultimately make their own choice. It is this author's opinion that regardless of the role one plays in assisting others in reality, adherence to this principle is imperative.

To illustrate, consider the following scenario: when attending a movie, the ticket inspector's sole concern is the presentation of a ticket. The inspector does not inquire about the wearer's physical attributes, such as the presence of glasses, hair length, mode of transportation, or vehicle type. As long as the ticket is presented, entry is granted. This exemplifies the principle of value neutrality.

In a similar vein, the humanistic representative Rogers once used this image to describe value neutrality: "When watching the sunset, we do not seek to control it, nor do we issue instructions for the sky to be positioned to the right of the sun in order for it to take on a particular hue. We can only admire it in its natural state."

Failure to observe the principle of neutrality when providing psychological counseling or family education counseling may result in two outcomes.

One potential consequence is that the practitioner may adopt the same perspective as the individual seeking assistance. This approach entails standing in one's own shoes and utilizing one's personal values to educate the individual on effective strategies and methods for addressing their challenges.

In the event of a discrepancy between your perspective and that of the individual seeking assistance, you may find yourself in a position where you must choose between two courses of action. On the one hand, you may choose to maintain your own point of view and attempt to persuade the individual to align with your values. Alternatively, you may opt to accuse the individual of holding an unacceptable point of view and demand that they change it.

Therefore, regardless of whether the opinions expressed are identical or divergent, the imposition of one's own values precludes neutrality. This may result in the seeker becoming dependent on the counselor or educator. If the approach proves effective, it is acceptable. However, if it is unsuccessful, the seeker may experience rejection and doubt toward the counselor or educator.

While the principle of value neutrality is undoubtedly a crucial tenet, it is not an absolute rule that must be adhered to in all circumstances. There are instances where its application may not be appropriate.

To illustrate, a client may seek help due to their spouse's infidelity and desire for revenge, which may potentially involve murder. In such a case, a psychological counselor or family educator should not adhere to the principle of value neutrality and merely suggest that the client's decision to kill is their own business. Instead, they should provide guidance and facilitate the client's adoption of a constructive, reasonable, and effective behavioral approach to address the issue. This approach deviates from the conventional practice of value neutrality but is more aligned with an appropriate course of action.

Similarly, when a high school student presents with conflicts with their parents over internet addiction and seeks the counsel of a counselor or family educator, it is not advisable to adhere strictly to the principle of value neutrality. Rather, the counselor or educator should provide the student with appropriate guidance.

In conclusion, the principle of value neutrality is based on the premise that the physical and mental health of the individual in need of assistance is best maintained. It also serves as an effective boundary for providing assistance to others. By comprehending this principle, the individual in need of assistance will be more likely to believe that they will also benefit from the assistance provided.

It is my hope that this response will prove beneficial to the inquirer.

First of all, let's give a big thumbs-up to the helpful questioner!

"Perceiving" is a really important part of growth. It's so great that you're able to experience this and use others as a mirror for comparison. It shows that you've already taken one foot onto the path of self-perception and self-growth. This is really wonderful, and it's the beginning and foundation of self-growth.

I think my upbringing is somewhat similar to the questioner's, and I'm also in the teaching profession, so I'd love to share a few more words here, hoping to be a little inspiring to the questioner. I might be a bit too tactful, but I really want to help! Of course, what I say is not necessarily right, so please consider it rationally.

First of all, I'm not sure how the questioner defines helping others. Before I really started to grow myself, my sense of self-worth was very low. I totally get it!

When I first started wanting to help others, it was mostly to see other people's problems, point out other people's problems, and try to prove my own worth in this way. I think there may even have been thoughts in my heart saying, "Look, I'm right and you're wrong."

I really hope to gain recognition from others as a way to prove myself. I see that you, the original poster, also mentioned the word "selfless" in your question description.

I'd love to chat with the original poster about something. I'm curious: is it selfish or selfless to help others and want to be recognized and praised by others, so as to reflect our value?

From what you've told me, it's clear you want what's best for everyone. It hurts your heart to see others suffering, and you want to help them. I truly believe your intentions are selfless. But when your answer isn't recognized by others, does that make the pain you feel a little less selfless?

So, how can we really help others, make our selflessness grow, and make selfishness smaller?

First, let's embrace our "selfish" side, warts and all. We're all imperfect, but as teachers, we feel this extra pressure to be perfect in front of our students.

But when our spiritual growth doesn't match our professional requirements, many people choose to wear a mask. And with the mask comes the shadow.

It's so sad to think that shadows can cause us a lot of pain in real life. We don't really see our own needs, especially when we leave the classroom environment and return to our daily lives at home. It's also very sad to discover that many of our outstanding peers did not have a happy family education. In fact, their family education was even worse than that of ordinary families.

It can be tough for us regular folks to have this awareness, and it can lead to suffering.

How can we really help others? The answer is simple: by helping ourselves first!

We all want to be left alone and not be told what to do. But we also want to become better people and have a happier family life, don't we?

So please be sure that the people you want to help definitely want a happy family more than you do. They definitely want to learn and definitely want to grow.

But we can't decide how they want to grow up. Everyone has the right to choose for themselves and to bear their own responsibilities accordingly. No one can help or change them, but we can all help them grow into the best version of themselves!

But if we don't judge their good or bad, but set an example, then naturally the people around you will come to learn from you and seek your advice. At this time, it is very natural and will not make people feel forced to express themselves.

So, for you, I really feel that the most important thing is to use all that great knowledge you've gained to grow yourself into a wonderful, self-sufficient person. And don't forget to enjoy a happy, fulfilling family life!

When we achieve this goal ourselves, we'll naturally gain the respect of others and be able to use what we've learned to help others even more. When we haven't achieved this, our words might come across as "preaching." But when we have achieved this, our words will be filled with the warmth of our experience.

A truly selfless person is someone who can truly love themselves. A truly selfish person is someone who, bless their heart, just can't love themselves well and wants to receive this love from others.

I really hope you can become a self-sufficient person soon! That way, you'll be able to love even more students, parents, and people around you.

You are absolutely awesome! You are a person who knows how to love others. You have an endless amount of kindness in your heart. I am so happy to see that you are such an outstanding person. You know how to empathize and are willing to give, which are very good qualities.

So now there are only two things to do: first, learn to protect yourself, and second, learn not to expect anything in return. These two things are based on the separation of topics, and they're going to change your life!

We love others with the hope that, with our own meager strength, we can make the world a less miserable and unequal place, and do justice in our hearts!

So when we see someone in need, it is our absolute privilege to be willing to help! It is our decision to do so at this moment. Since it is our own business, whether or not others are willing to accept it is also their business.

One can never control what others think, right?

If you agree with this, then you're already on your way to being just and having a clear conscience! You're in control of your life and your destiny. And you're ready to help others in the right way.

But kind people will always get hurt because the world is greedy and wants more. We ourselves have such precious energy, so we get to learn to protect it! This is our own task: to learn to protect ourselves.

It's time to learn how to protect yourself, see others clearly, and learn to protect your own energy! Don't let morality hold you back. Give to others according to your own heart. It's about what you can do, not about right or wrong. Pay more attention to your own feelings.

It's time to learn to establish a sense of your own boundaries. Not everyone can come to your world and behave like a child. You are the master of your own world! If you don't allow others to hurt you, then no one can hurt you.

The world needs kindness, just as it needs light! And you can be your own angel and knight!

Hello, questioner!

I've read your post and seen how you're struggling with some confusion and contradictions in the process of helping others. I'd like to share some of my thoughts and feelings with you:

1. How do you feel about your current situation?

One the one hand, you have a helpful heart. You used to be about pleasing others, but now it's more about not expecting anything in return. On the other hand, sometimes the other person doesn't appreciate it.

You also mentioned that you're not sure if you have a good sense of your own boundaries. Sometimes, you intend to help others but end up using a didactic communication style. You're not sure if this way of helping comes from your family education or your professional habits.

I also noticed that you have a strong sense of self-awareness. On the one hand, you really want to help others, but on the other hand, you also feel that perhaps a didactic approach to helping others is not well received by others, and it backfires. Then you feel that maybe you are meddling too much.

2. I'll also share some inspiration from the perspective of helping others in psychological counseling.

There's no question that psychological counseling is an industry that helps people help themselves. But there are also some ethics and rules in this industry that are meant to help counselors and clients build better relationships and ultimately achieve the goal of helping clients.

From a humanistic perspective, the counselor needs to give the client their full attention, focusing on the client's feelings and the current state of the client. The counselor guides the client to become aware of their feelings and state, creating a favorable environment for the client to discover and understand themselves, and ultimately change from the inside out.

❀ The counselor's theory is all about being value neutral. What that means is that the counselor has to be tolerant and open-minded, accepting the client's values, rather than trying to convince the client to change their values using their own values.

The counselor's job is to build a relationship with the client, communicate with them using some psychological theories and techniques, and help them understand and change. As the client trusts the relationship, they'll gradually start to change. This happens at the client's pace, not the counselor's.

Everyone's process of change will be different because each visit has different issues that need to be resolved. This is a unique process of change, not a production process on an assembly line.

Most counseling and therapy theories clearly state that counselors cannot give direct advice to their clients on difficult choices. It's the counselor's job to respect the client and guide them to uncover something they're not aware of so they can make their own decisions. The client is the decision-maker and responsible for their own lives.

I'm curious to know what the questioner will take away from reading about the helpful ways of psychological counseling. You have a kind heart, which is rare and admirable, but true and comfortable change often comes from within. Everyone needs to take responsibility for their own lives, and they must cultivate themselves through their own efforts. No one can replace the process of personal self-growth.

I hope my perspective helps you understand the part you're confused about. I look forward to seeing you always have a helpful heart!

Hello, question owner. I can tell from your description that you're feeling frustrated, confused, and stuck.

Given our experience with family education, we want to contribute in a selfless way. At the same time, we're concerned about the other person's potential for negative outcomes and want to avoid them making a fool of themselves. This makes us feel inclined to speak up when we see something.

But you find that sometimes the other party needs to appreciate it, and you don't know how to set clear boundaries without sounding preachy or patronizing.

We get it. You want to use your own experience to help others without expecting anything in return.

The idea behind offering help is that the other person needs it.

You have good intentions and want to help others, but

One thing you might have overlooked is that you're only looking at the problem from your own perspective. Have you considered whether the other person really needs help?

The idea behind offering help is that the other person needs it. But if you try too hard to express your views and impose your ideas and opinions on the other person, it can feel like an invasion of their space and make them feel resistant.

We're not the answer to a problem you're trying to solve.

When you're concerned about the potential negative outcomes for others and feel compelled to speak up, it's natural to believe you're right and the other person is wrong and needs to be corrected.

However, things aren't always as simple as they seem, and there are a lot of different ways the future could play out.

Only the person involved knows what really happened. We can't just rely on what we see to give the right answer.

It's also worth noting that nobody's perfect. We all make mistakes, even when things happen to us. So, how can we possibly know what the right answer is?

☑️Take a moment to understand your true thoughts.

One of the main reasons people try to please others is because they want to be recognized and liked.

You can try to sense your true thoughts. Aside from wanting to help others selflessly, is there a thought that you want to prove yourself and gain recognition and affection from others by helping them?

Otherwise, just help others and don't worry if they don't appreciate it.

I believe that laughing without saying a word and bearing pain without complaint is the highest state of being.

Wishing you the best!

I think the questioner's helpful nature is wonderful, and you should never doubt the rightness of what you're doing just because someone being helped isn't enthusiastic about it.

1. Remember why you're helping others in the first place!

First, it's important to think about why you want to help others. Is it because it makes you happy, or do you want to be recognized by others?

If you're mainly trying to help others and remind them out of pure goodwill, then you've done a great job! You've done what you wanted to do without any qualms, and that is something to be proud of.

2. It's possible that the other person isn't grateful because of their own reasons.

As for the way of preaching, the so-called loyal advice is hard to accept. Many people's first reaction after hearing it is to resist. But don't worry, this resistance is not because of you! It's like a smoker who will reject and avoid no matter what way you use to get him to quit smoking.

It's possible that at first, he might not be too happy about helping you. But who knows, after a while, he might even thank you!

3. There's absolutely no need to worry about boundaries when you're helping others!

Helping others creates good karma, no matter how big or small. And it's so rewarding! As long as you do things with a helpful heart, it is very beneficial to yourself and others.

Just imagine, when the Buddha saves all living beings, does he also think about boundaries? Does he think about whether he can help this person or not, or whether he can cross the line with that person?

It doesn't matter how you help someone, and it doesn't matter if they reject you at the time. What matters is that you do what you think is right and have a clear conscience. That's already very good!